Hey man,i hope you are feeling well health wise! Poker wise don't stress it out to much man,you are def getting there!

Small midweek update:

I'm slowly recovering from being sick. Other than that things are going quite well mentally. Poker is really going well and I look forward to move abroad of like 6 months (or longer). I'm thinking about Malta, Croatia or Mexico (I'm open for suggestions). I will probably do this around the end of the year. I want to be vaccinated and I want to have a couple of steady $2k+ profit months so I got some sort of back up when a big downswing occurs(and to prove myself some consistency).

Haha I was planning on showing a bunch of hands where I went completely out of line. You see, I'm proud of the fact that I'm a punter and that I'm trying to make way too fancy plays. I really enjoy poker because of things like that. But sometimes I really need to chill and act more like a professional. So I just show some "more normal" hands I guess:

HOLDDDDD



Feedback on this one is welcome



What about my turn sizing?



Ambitious



Ambitious call



Really like this sizing by villain OTR



Just one punt I wanted to show haha

Oh it's far tougher than that. We're garbage these days. Just scanned through glad to see you're working with TMGOP and in a far better mindset than when you were at rock bottom. Totally relate to the stuff you wrote about depression and these spells of despair. Would suggest listening to Garret Adelson podcast with Joe Ingram as that's very relevant and useful. Good luck mate. Never give up wanting to get better at life. Far better to be at rock bottom and in distress about your situation, than to be someone who learns to tolerate being in that state.

66 fold river
54s size up so you don't overbet shove river if you play this way atleast

.....I was even break-even after 3700 hands but then I went on the second monkey tilt of the day

I don't think I'm gonna quit. The progress I've made in 4.5 month is huge. For once in my life it's time to give something my everything. And I can't say I gave it my everything after I quit after 4.5 months. I think there are way more positive thinks than negative thinks. This huge leaks in my mental game can be fixed. Skill wise I'm good (that's also the frustrating part). Sometimes I doubt that I overestimate my skill but if I see how I donate stacks on a daily basis. And even with that in play I'm still a (not after yesterday haha) +8bb/100 (PRE RB)winner on all the stakes I've played so far.

So far the positive things.... I don't know what to do anymore. I obviously need at least 1 day break. I don't want to have a day off. I want to work but that's not how it works in poker. I can and will do a lot of studying. Yesterday I tried to use my limited theory knowledge in game (flop sizes and go from there) and this went pretty well I would say ("Yeah we can see that in that amazing looking graph":P). Makes me more motivated to study. I'm still rolled for 25. My motivation for 25 is very low btw. I dislike that pool so much. Everyone playing ABC poker and everyone nitty. I can't play ABC/Nitty poker. I'm just not able to do it. I already proved I can beat that pool easily. And to be fair. It's quite a good test, to train my mental game. Just 3 table and be very patient in my decisions. Yesterday I tried something like that but at the moment I just can't do it.

To be continued......

That looks painful man,don't give up man,just need to put in more work! You got this! BTW i suggest UK,come here man,you will love the weather and we got crazy lady's and everything else that you need hahaha

Hahahaha Opens new tab to google one way ticket to UK



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So in order to keep faith in the process I came up with a plan for the upcoming months:

I thought it through for a bit, my style is very exploitative. When I play my A-game it works and I'm able to get nice win rates up to an x-stake. I keep whining about the 25z pool but I think it's best to use it in my favour in the learning process. Also the 50 pool is around the same so I better get used to it. Yesterday I played like 500 hands in the 100z pool and I really had fun playing in that one (Sample is too small to have a proper feeling what it's like + the higher the stakes the more exciting). I'm planning on playing 50k hands in the 25 and 50z pool and really challenge myself to control myself when it comes to hero-calling and bluffing. Also I will try to play without a hud (in the 25z pool challenge at least) and don't look at results. Also studying will get a way higher priority.

After 50k hands in 25z that pool:

-If evbb/100h => 5
>Move to 50z

If evbb/100h < 5
Do it again but allow myself to play with a hud

I will do it similar in the 50z pool. After I manage to complete this challenge in the 50z pool I will grind a couple 100k hands in the 100z pool before even considering moving up. At that time I want my strategy to be way more balanced than it is right now.

If I don't tilt I think I'm able to beat both of the 25 and 50 challenges. But I do tilt.

What am I gonna do about that? I honestly have no idea. I think a lifestyle change is very important.

1. Keep reading the mental game of poker step by step and make notes while reading
2. Try to move to another city as soon as possible. Running away from social anxiety is a terrible idea but for now it seems like the best option. I stress the f out when leaving my crib in the city I'm living in right now.... This is bothering me extremely hard.
3. Surround yourself with more people. For example yesterday after 3500 hands (I was almost b/e at that point) a friend texted me that watch football. I declined, felt bad about afterwards.
4. Go to the gym; again with my social anxiety this is such a big step. But crucial. Exercise + surround myself with people is the nutz for me right now. Maybe some people are reading this and thinking; just stop being a pxssy and get over it. In a way you are absolutely right.
5. So I have basically planned out my life for the upcoming years "career wise".
I'm not gonna go over it but i still think there is a bright future for me. I'm actually quite confident on this matter. But I think it's also important to look at other thinks in life. For example, I was planning on signing up for "acting school" (hopefully this is the right translation) but I ended up not doing it. Same with writing crime blogs/articles and not publishing them. I think I have talent in doing something like stand-up comedian and I can even sing for a bit. I don't have to make money with any of this but I think it's good to expand myself a bit. And for once stop caring about what people might think about me, my life would be 100000x easier if I wasn't ****ing trapped by this all the time., this is holding me back on so many aspects in life including things like pursuing my dreams.

So after I donated around 1/3 of my br I think it's very important to keep challenging myself instead of keep regretting my monkey-tilts. This blog really helps with this. I'm gonna study for around 2 hours. Then I'll play some guitar. I might play some poker but I'm not sure about this one. Then I will watch football with some friends and probably have a beer after 3 months of being sober.

Thank you all for reading. This blog really keeps me going. Also I want to thank "Shelly" for the kind words somewhere above!

Sucks man, try to finish that book asap and when you're playing just turn off your pc immediately when you feel the first sign of tilt
Also you played 50nl with less than 20 bi? Wouldn't recommend that esp when still having tilt issues

Don't give up you'll 100% get there if you fix this bs

Small update since last post;

On Saturday I tilted a bit again. Then on sundaynight I came home watching the Netherlands game with some friends. I had a few beers (since 3 month of not drinking). I felt like starting up some tables but first I withdrew all my money what was left on my account and left $60 left to play with (to prevent me from ****ing up bad haha). I ended up not really playing (and break even).

Then on Monday I decided to fully focus on fixing the tilt issues. I've been tracking it, I've been reviewing tilted hand histories and other steps according to "the mental game of poker".

I still have had many moments were I started playing mindless and I even tilted. I don't feel like I'm improving at all on this aspect.....

One thing I'm really improving is my focus and the ability to grind. I feel like the meditation is really helping me with this. I managed to grind 20k hands in the last 4 days! Hopefully I'm able to keep improving this.




As you can see I changed my strategy for now. I'm not loving it but it's time to train myself some discipline and just play ABC poker for a tiny bit (see poor red line haha). I still bluff and **** but I try to keep the crazy fancy plays for what it is. Considering I started in 5NL on Monday and considering I still tilted and punted I'm happy with the results.

So right now, tilting is the only thing what's holding me back to. Today this blog is 5 months old. If I could sign to be where I'm at right now in terms of my poker career I would definitely do it. I'm very motivated to take care of this tilting bs and to continue this steady progress.

Tomorrow I will continue in the 25zoom pool and if I manage over 50k hand sample to somewhat control and fix my tilt issues I will do the same thing in the 50z pool. If I pass that test than it's really gonna start! I'm looking forward to move to another city or maybe moving abroad.

Thanks for reading as always and advice when it comes to my mental game issues is always appreciated.

I try to avoid focussing and posting daily results but I had one my best days so far today;



As you can see I'm up like 13.5 stacks in EV today. I started this day playing pretty bad, I wasn't playing focussed and I called a 5betjam with AJo (vs AA). Was down around 3.5 stacks in 25z. I was close to getting frustrated but I randomly started playing and running very well. I decided I'm actually going back to playing how I like to play and I actually made some very nice plays and bluffs. Recently I started to apply my studies I've done in game (so for example I stopped betting range in some spots etc.) and I feel like my game is evolving (obviously easy to say after such a winning day haha).

480bb pot;



Cooler of the day;



Have a nice weekend

Well done bro! Keep it coming! Props on the discipline,ABC poker is hard hahaha!!!

Short update for June week 3:

This week I focussed on my tilt issues. I'm gonna be honest: This didn't go well. I still was way too result oriented and I still got frustrated way too fast. I had one tiltsession on saturday where I blasted of around 6 bi (after I lost 2 when playing somewhat decent so 8bi in total).

I will try to come up with new things, I will record some audio for me to review later and I will review the tilt session I had. Also I will pick up the habit of not checking my results.

Other than that this week was great poker-wise. I started on Monday with $60 on my account (for reasons explained in another post). And right now I have my bankroll back without having to deposit the money I withdrew one week ago

This week I:

made my most weekly profit until now: $710 (500 table profit + $210 in rakeback)
played my most hands in 1 week: 30k hands
realised my focussed has increased a lot
Surrounded myself more with friends and familly

Still tilted and didn't make any progress on fixing the tiltissues
Still was too result oriented (even in this post haha)
Didn't go outside as much as I planned to
Didn't study as much as I wanted too
Still had struggles with fatigue

So I still have a lot of things too work on. Especially on my game there are a lot of spots I need to study.

Also my guitar is broken which really sucks. I need to fix this asap.

I will post graphs at the end of the month I think. Thank you for reading.

Really nice volume and profit! Still not finished the book yet?

So poker is going great right now. I've made some crucial changes in my game but at the same time I kept the same style. In previous posts I talked about how I struggled playing disciplined and how I slowly keep playing more and more aggro until I have some sort of intervention with myself hahaha. So I've been really disciplined pre flop lately. I was just seeking for action, overplaying pocket pairs and calling 4bets way too wide. Since the last post about the big monkeytilt I've been playing really solid and disciplined preflop. When I feel frustration or tilt preflop is the first thing I start ****ing up....

So my philosophy in poker (mainly from a low stakes pov) is that simplifying is great. My plan to learn theory is too de-simplify step by step if that makes sense. So know now I'm using different sizes on different board textures and I'm trying to work on that more and more. This is really going well. It's interesting to see how the pool react to certain sizes I started to use lately. My biggest leak is playing OOP (agressor) v IP (SRP). I started of with checking range here with a somewhat well(?) constructed X/R range with bluffs and value and a lot of of turn probing with an overbetsizing and smaller sizing. Now I'm trying to bet flop aswell and untill now this is not going great. Ofcourse villains show up with a really merged range (PP's, Suited connectors, Weaker suited Ax etc.) but I still find myself in a lot of spots where I just triple off my gutshot into a hand villain should always 3bet pre. But I rather pay the price for learning to play this spot better so I will keep trying to contruct a betting range and I will also study this spot soon. Any tips on this spot are welcome . Also mtw I'm not very strong I would say, against regs you have a somewhat idea what they show up with but mtw against high vpip shortstacks who snapbet pot I end up being wrong and losing a lot of the time.

Some funny/spewy/toughspot hands:

1. I squeeze here a questionable hand pre because both villains are way tooo wide preflop

PokerStars - $0.25 NL FAST (6 max) - Holdem - 6 players
Hand converted by Holdem Manager 3

BTN: $36.03 (144.1 bb)
SB: $25.70 (102.8 bb)
BB: $53.40 (213.6 bb)
UTG: $23.25 (93 bb)
Hero (MP): $40.49 (162 bb)
CO: $25.00 (100 bb)

SB posts $0.10, BB posts $0.25

Pre Flop: (pot: $0.35) Hero has 2 A
fold, Hero raises to $0.62, 2 folds, SB raises to $2.29, BB calls $2.04, Hero raises to $7.25, fold, BB calls $4.96

Flop: ($16.79, 2 players) 6 4 A
BB checks, Hero bets $3.00, BB calls $3.00

Turn: ($22.79, 2 players) 8
BB checks, Hero checks

River: ($22.79, 2 players) K
BB bets $15.24, Hero calls $15.24

Results: $53.27 pot ($2.00 rake)
Final Board: 6 4 A 8 K

BB shows J T: (High Card, Ace)
(Pre 46%, Flop 7%, Turn 20%)

Hero shows 2 A: (One Pair, Aces)
(Pre 54%, Flop 93%, Turn 80%)

Hero wins $51.27

2. Lots of draws brick OTR (so I have a bunch of bluffs here like KJ etc.)so I guess this jam is fine?



3. I try to bluff whales a little less but in the heat of the moment I still get caught up in it haha....



4. FFS haha, little bit ambitious....



5. So I genuinely thought the calling square said "call all in 10.3bb" instead of "103 bb". When I called I was like "nooooooo" but for some reason I didn't get punished for this mistake haha

Allrighty with the $60 I had on my account on last week's Monday I managed to make around $1k profit! I've made $600 profit (slightly less) on the tables and $400 in rb.



So I came up with a plan which is different from the previous plan. 10 days ago I withdrew most part of my bankroll (which is rn on my bank account) but I still count it as my bankroll. So with the 1k what is on my stars account I decided to just start in 50z with a 16bi shot. If I'm down 16bi I still have $200 on my stars account and I can just redeposit my bankroll and I continue in 25z until I'm rolled for a new shot. I'm not expecting to lose 16 bi but this back up bankroll takes away a lot of pressure which is nice. I'm probably starting in the 50z pool tomorrow.

Wish me luck

GL man, a 16 downswing can always happen but lets hope it doesn't come soon, cya at the tables!

hope you run hot and the shot is successful bro!

First two days in the 50z streets went alright. It's hard to say things about the pool over a 5k hand sample. The regs are a bit better and a bit more creative which results in some tricky spots. I feel like my spewy style performs better in this pool than in the 25z pool but again hard to say after such a small sample.





Up around 5 stacks and 7 stacks in ev. On Friday I was close to tilting and I made one omega punt (I called down 133bb on with A high on a KJ9xx board. I'm too embarrassed to show it. I took a break, I went for a walk outside. After that i managed to pick up the good spirit again and I have been playing my best poker until now I would say (only on friday). Nice thing is, because there isn't any real pressure behind this 16 bi shot. I don't really mind about being down a couple 100 bucks (obviously not ideal but it's not that I'm starting to panic when it happens).

I have 70 pages left in the TMGOP. I set a goal to finish that (with note taking and practical thinking) in 4 days.

Here are some hands:

Sometimes you have a feeling you know exactly what's going on (haha I had this feeling a bunch of the time where villain shoved the omgenutz). I snapcalled river wayyyy confident:



This is a good example of thinking you have a feeling what's going on because villain is a fishy spewer. (I know blocking AQhh/QKhh is tragic):




I don't like this call looking back to it....:



Greedy bastard going for max value:

PokerStars - $0.50 NL FAST (6 max) - Holdem - 6 players
Hand converted by Holdem Manager 3

BTN: $81.73 (163.5 bb)
SB: $50.00 (100 bb)
Hero (BB): $58.84 (117.7 bb)
UTG: $72.65 (145.3 bb)
MP: $93.44 (186.9 bb)
CO: $29.70 (59.4 bb)

SB posts $0.25, Hero posts BB $0.50

Pre Flop: (pot: $0.75) Hero has :Kc: :7c:
3 folds, BTN raises to $1.50, fold, Hero calls $1.00

Flop: ($3.25, 2 players) :7s: :9d: :7h:
Hero checks, BTN bets $2.26, Hero calls $2.26

Turn: ($7.77, 2 players) :4d:
Hero checks, BTN bets $3.91, Hero raises to $11.81, BTN calls $7.90

River: ($31.39, 2 players) :7d:
Hero bets $43.27 and is all-in, BTN calls $43.27

Results: $117.93 pot ($2.00 rake)
Final Board: :7s: :9d: :7h: :4d: :7d:

Hero shows :Kc: :7c:: (Four of a Kind, Sevens)
(Pre 12%, Flop 95%, Turn 98%)

BTN shows :Kh: :Kd:: (Full House, Sevens full of Kings)
(Pre 88%, Flop 5%, Turn 2%)

Hero wins $115.93

Feedback appreciated on this one:



Peace

Looking good so far!

QT just fold flop against this sizing imo
88 check flop because you never have a set here and he can have all of them, as played definately fold river
J9 already discussed that one with you, interested to see what others think

Little midweek update:

The heater is real boysssss! Working on my game creates a snowball effect for me lately. I'm working hard on it and I feel like my game is getting better and better everyday. This makes more motivated work even harder. The hard work over the last months is slowly starting to pay off. I'm really satisfied by it.

Since Friday (when "the shot" started):



Total results in the 50z pool so far:



Results over the last 16-ish days:



If we add rakeback to it aswell I'm close to $1550 profit in the last 16 days.

I turned this $60 into more than $1600 (which is my stars roll atm)!

When I started this blog I was in a very dark place and I felt like there was no way out. I dedided to give my life one last shot with the start of this blog, so the title is slowly starting to make more and more sense...

I still struggle with:

Health issues (mainly fatigue)
Depression (mainly on Friday/Saturday where all my friends are doing fun **** and I feel like I'm in a prison)
Social anxiety

But the sky is slowly turning in looking blue again since a very long time. Even pre covid when I had a very socially active life/dating life, I always struggled with depression. But I'm really grabbing the bull by the horns and it's slowly starting to pay off. Since a very long time I'm slowly starting to look forward again!

Very motivated to keep working hard!

Ps. Sorry for the way too personal posts, it feels good to sometimes write about my **** anonymously

subbed, gl OP

Awesome! Keep it up, sir

Thanks mate. I really enjoy reading your blog as well!

The start of July has not been amazing. On Thursday I was up around $350. On Friday I knew I wasn't ready to play but I still decided to play in order to complete another $400 rb challenge. I tilted a bit (no monkeytilt) and I was down around $300.Yesterday I was not in the right mind to play again but because of that stupid rakeback challenge I still started playing. I'm not very good in spotting variance I would say. Funny thing is, it's hard to spot for me because most of the time when I run amazing I play amazing and vice versa (I'm aware those are massive leaks in my mental game). Anyway yesterday I'm confident in saying I played well and I played around -1bi while the pool was full of whales.

I came to the conclusion that I'm not going to push the limit for $400 rb. I've made a calculation (100k hands, 5bb/100h) where I should be able to make around $3.5/4k (including rb) a month playing 50z. So the $400 is not crucial for the process any more. I think it's not worth it to mess up my sleep, play poorly, get frustrated easily, break my confidence because of it etc. I really like playing poker and I want to keep it that way. Also yesterday and the day before I started to notice that in some standard spots I didn't know what to do any more. Always when this is starting to come up I know it's time to take 2 days off completely and comeback fresh. So that's what I will do. In the meantime I MUST FINISH TMGOP and I will do some other "mindset studying" but I will avoid anything else poker related.

I'm gonna try to change my sleep schedule as well. I really love playing after diner (lower ratio of Easter-European nits/all other players in the pool), but I just need to be active in terms of exercising again and with my social anxiety I just can't go outside in the afternoon atm. Also I think it's better to just have one time where I can wake up instead of waking up whenever I want because "my working day" starts in the afternoon anyway.

I'm busy looking for other places to live right now because I want to be "free" again. I'm aware this is basically running away from my problems but I'm OK with that. I'm just gonna say it: I absolutely hate the town I'm living right now and although I have great friends here, great memories, I used to be a very social guy here..... I just want to leave and come back like twice a year max when I'm doing better. I'm currently working my ass off to leave and in my head my life will start again when I'm out of here.

Let's get back to crushing on tuesday!! I will try to post results on sunday after playing and try to be consistent with posting weekly results

LEGEND

Sick stuff! Just catching up with the heater. I'm impressed, you should be proud.