Hello

I'm starting this thread with intentions of removing any filter and allowing myself the best possible chance to productively engage in discussions on a variety of topics. Its quite likely that most of the thread will be made up of streams of consciousness and I'm unsure exactly how that will work.

I guess I should mention I'm a poker player. I suppose my screenname choice reveals a few things. I have an ego that can be a fairly significant issue whilst still maintaining some degree of perspective. I try to play in a fashion that 'makes sense'. Sometimes this is ruthlessly pursued in lieu of a style that 'makes money'. I tell myself and even others that i want to be a really great player but I do so with a roll of the eyes because my experience suggests this isn't true. My mental game discipline is laughable and I've done very little to change this. At a young age I never learned how to lose and that remains the same. I am a terrible quitter and am fiercely emotional. On the bright side I think I play 3bet pots with initiative to a very high level.

I'm going to 'try meditiation'; at least by the Tommy Angelo definition; starting tomorrow. I've always been intrigued by ideas such as mindfulness and consider myself to have the dispositions that would be particularly helped by its effective practice. Not just in the poker sense, either. I'm not sure I'd be clinically diagnosed as bipolar but then I'm not sure I wouldn't either. Finding some place calm has been a goal for awhile.

I've often been envious of others success and occasionally expressed otherwise. Trying to be introspective i believe this is because i believe 'i deserve' some X
level of success. I will berate a regs play whilst at my PC and yet have no issue with complimenting one's either. Trying to be introspective I believe this is because I consider my opinion to be worth more than it is; in other words worth more than anyone else's. I think this is a issue with 'being smart' and then realising it. The entitlement is real and potentially suffocating. I've a few ideas on how to approach this issue but I'd be interested in hearing more.

Itd be cool to get some active participation in here, ive fallen a fairly long way in a short space of time and have found a new desire to climb back up on the more forgiving terrain. For sure I'll post the occasional hand but with less of an emphasis on the strategic value of each decision and moreso on the actual process I went through arriving at it

So first test of this new approach to mental game has arrived, having posted a lengthy post i was logged out and put in the wrong password thus losing it all. Ooops

So today i tried out meditation for the first time. I think it has the potential to be one of those things that you can shroud in mystique without ever thinking about why. Meditation. It just sounds deep. With that in mind i decided to enter it with no expectation and read up on only on technique rather than outcome. I managed around 10 minutes overall spread over two seperate attempts. Firstly, i tried lying down in the bath in the corpse pose; i've always found warm water relaxing so that was the idea. The most noticeable thing was that i wasn't sure exactly how to deal with my thoughts. Actively trying to toss them seemed counter-intuitive and yet i knew the idea was to try and find a clear headspace. At one stage i was struggling to get the scene out of the Last Samurai from my head where Katsumoto's son is telling Algren he has 'too many mind'. I made a second attempt a little later by sitting upright on my couch. I found this to be a little more successful and even though inconsequential thoughts popped up every now and then they dissipated more easily. I would say i felt more inquisitive than calm by the end but thats possibly a good thing. Will try again tomorrow.

Before i entered my session i decided to try a couple of things out mentioned in the most recent Tommy Angelo/Lefort video on RIO. The first of these was to focus on your drinking everytime you took a sip of the water. I will admit i felt a bit ridiculous staring down the barrel of my glass and watching the water run down but i was 'aware' i was drinking and it did give me brief pause from my session. I also tried to correct my posture and recognise my breathing every now and then which i found to be quite effective, in terms of being able to refocus afterwards. On top of these i had a thought myself yesterday evening that i decided to implement. I think when tilted almost everybody plays faster than usual, and i am no different. I thought that if i slowed down my usual game and increased the difference that could be helpful. With that in mind i decided to wait until 10 seconds hit the timebank for every decision. Honestly, the reflex to fold 95o from UTG instantly can be quite overwhelming when you're a longtime fastfold reg but in general i managed to resist and was pleased to notice the change. I suddenly had a lot more time for rational thought and to build my strategy on a micro level. I was taking things into account that i had regularly neglected in the past and only ended up timing out once or twice. As a frame of reference, the session lasted 56 minutes and 715 hands. On two previous occassions last week did i play a similar number of hands; 684 and 723 elapsing 35 and 43 minutes respectively. Once did i play a similar amount of time; 59 minutes producing 1,011 hands played. I think the difference is quite significant and interesting. As with above, this is all a process and so we'll see how it goes as the sample increases.

Finally i'd like to share the last hand of my session

[converted_hand][hand_history]Party, $0.50/$1 No Limit Hold'em Cash, 6 Players
Poker Tools Powered By Holdem Manager - The Ultimate Poker Software Suite.

SB: $212.40 (212.4 bb)
BB: $100 (100 bb)
UTG: $251.05 (251.1 bb)
MP: $167.06 (167.1 bb)
Hero (CO): $100 (100 bb)
BTN: $160.55 (160.6 bb)

Preflop: Hero is CO with A A
2 folds, Hero raises to $2, 2 folds, BB calls $1

Flop: ($4.50) A 8 T (2 players)
BB checks, Hero bets $3, BB calls $3

Turn: ($10.50) 6 (2 players)
BB checks, Hero bets $6, BB raises to $22.08, Hero calls $16.08

River: ($54.66) 8 (2 players)
BB checks, Hero bets $72.92 and is all-in, BB folds

I decided to end my session immediately after this hand after noticing a couple of things. As i was raised on the turn i felt a small dread overcome me as i realised 97 was a very real possibility and that i could well end up getting stacked. Then, as the river paired, i heard myself comment 'oh boy' and was excited at the thought of stacking him. Previous to this i had been breaking down ranges, relevant stats and potential to exploit in the majority of the situations and yet here i had gone full h0mo erectus. I'm sure everyone does it from time to time but the pleasing thing is i managed to notice it and quit. I'm not naive enough to think this shows a great deal of progression though; i had played well and was winning a nice amount. When i manage to do this whilst stuck 4 buy-ins i'll allow myself a backpat

I've been giving meditation a go for awhile now and I believe it is making some noticeable difference. I certainly feel much calmer and for longer with each 'session' that I put in. The longer part is quite interesting. It might seem obvious but I found that as the time elapsed since meditation increased my propensity for intense emotions did also. Initially this meant my sweet spot for a poker session was about an hour. I suspect that for those involved with different pursuits meditation can sustain the calm and relaxed state for longer. I also noticed that my thoughts began to dissipate with ease as I trained myself; perhaps a good analogy is the difference between adding sugar to cold and hot water. Initially I had to stir quite hard for me to just 'be in the moment' but over time they began to dissolve just as quickly as they had entered my mind. I think I need a larger sample size than I currently have to determine how much of an impact it can have on my life but so far it's been promising

On the poker front my volume has been interrupted here and there due to spending a bunch of time with friends, family and gf but I've noticed a few things that exist. I am very quick to categorise players in extremes and not very adept at categorising them in between. My game plan has for a long time been intended to be static, theoretical and without big errors. As a result I think my ability to adjust is still somewhat infantile; for the most part it's as simple as A doesn't bluff, B bluffs too much and C plays a lot like me. I need to do some work on this because it's not a very functional approach in today's games. I also find that I am somewhat concerned about showing up with a very out of line bluff. I assume this must tie in with the above but it's a curious habit. To elaborate, I have no issue whatsoever running bluffs in any spot if I have the 'right' hand choice; it is when I feel like I should bluff but cannot bring myself to do it because my hand doesn't fit my criteria. Perhaps I feel like if he calls I am justifying him doing so by having this hand? Regardless I think it has cost me a lot of money over the years and still does. I play all types of games on various different platforms and my focus has always primarily been 'what is my game plan? What am I trying to achieve?' and maybe that will always be true. Who knows

Gl!

The hand made me laugh I would have been also little worried of the 79 on turn