The Long Walk to Freedom: WalmartCNXN
03-05-2019
, 08:15 PM
Quote:
I don't disagree with a fair bit of that. I do think you need to be careful not to be results oriented though. I don't think winning this one specific tourney is really evidence of these folds being correct. I think you are for sure correct though that you can make some significant deviation explo folds based on likely human behaviors.
Just in this specific field where my stack was so corrupted by losing against nitty ranges compared to picking up chips with very little playback and variance, the latter seems optimal 
I mean, they still might not be correct who knows there's so many variables to assess and my best educated guess is that calling obviously equals +significant EV, but folding and picking up chips in so many easier spots with no variance might be significantly higher EV when you factor in heaps of micro factors.
Spoiler:
03-08-2019
, 12:13 AM
Welppppp
For lack of better things to do and extreme boredom I'll make a post in here:
Where are things at?
Life without poker is a little bit strange. (I have to admit I've had to play a little bit of 100z to play through some money that I had to ship out). You know that feeling when you're a kid and school rolls out and it's the first day of summer? You're so used to waking up early and having a structured day with obligations and then all of a sudden on the first day of Summer you're left pondering wtf to do with your days. Eventually you sit around in a stupor of boredom pondering the most random ideas under the sun of what to do. That's kinda how this feels.
One week into vacation and I have to say my days have been extremely productive. So many errands that I've put off for months have been getting downed faster than free beer at a frat party. I wish I could tell you that other random acts of gambling were not being used as a minor supplement of poker, but I'd be lying. Went to the casino and shot some Craps with my friend (don't worry not for big $ lol), punting in Daily Fantasy Sports, and other idiotic things. Been to the gym most days, eating clean, and tackling things on my to-do-list...could be worse!
I've been flirting with some ideas of things to do at my place. Some potential ideas: paint the walls, put in new floors, do a floor to ceiling clean, get a new fish tank, by an Alaskan King size bed (9 ft. by 9 ft.), or maybe just a King sized bed, spruce the place up, yada yada yada. My sister started a school/work co-op thing near where I live on night shifts so I cleared out my office for her which has actually been tilting af (bought my own place for a reason). She's done school in a few months so will be likely kicking her out and maybe getting a standing desk or make like a GTO office.
Health: A big concern for me has been testosterone levels for quite some time now. I went to the doctor a few months ago and got blood work done etc and he never called me back but tbh I know these levels are really low. It's the kinda thing you don't really realize it happening because the changes are super gradual. They definitely feel to be improving with working out and eating healthier last few months but idk definitely feels like all the acute stress of poker harms them. Read that cortisol is like anti-testosterone and 100% I think MTT poker is insanely stressful and constant cortisol spikes happen when you're playing long sessions. That stress often doesn't leave when your session is over either.
So yeah, I've been taking appropriate steps and to be honest feeling pretty good overall. Have really stiff shoulders and upper back from likely bad posture. Biggest things to work on right now: testosterone, correct stiffness, get shoulder surgery from torn labrum a few years ago. Other than that meditation, workouts, health have been top notch under my standards...Jason Koon may disagree.
-----------
Nothing of real substance in here but was a good way to kill some time
GL out there m8s
For lack of better things to do and extreme boredom I'll make a post in here:
Where are things at?
Life without poker is a little bit strange. (I have to admit I've had to play a little bit of 100z to play through some money that I had to ship out). You know that feeling when you're a kid and school rolls out and it's the first day of summer? You're so used to waking up early and having a structured day with obligations and then all of a sudden on the first day of Summer you're left pondering wtf to do with your days. Eventually you sit around in a stupor of boredom pondering the most random ideas under the sun of what to do. That's kinda how this feels.
One week into vacation and I have to say my days have been extremely productive. So many errands that I've put off for months have been getting downed faster than free beer at a frat party. I wish I could tell you that other random acts of gambling were not being used as a minor supplement of poker, but I'd be lying. Went to the casino and shot some Craps with my friend (don't worry not for big $ lol), punting in Daily Fantasy Sports, and other idiotic things. Been to the gym most days, eating clean, and tackling things on my to-do-list...could be worse!
I've been flirting with some ideas of things to do at my place. Some potential ideas: paint the walls, put in new floors, do a floor to ceiling clean, get a new fish tank, by an Alaskan King size bed (9 ft. by 9 ft.), or maybe just a King sized bed, spruce the place up, yada yada yada. My sister started a school/work co-op thing near where I live on night shifts so I cleared out my office for her which has actually been tilting af (bought my own place for a reason). She's done school in a few months so will be likely kicking her out and maybe getting a standing desk or make like a GTO office.
Health: A big concern for me has been testosterone levels for quite some time now. I went to the doctor a few months ago and got blood work done etc and he never called me back but tbh I know these levels are really low. It's the kinda thing you don't really realize it happening because the changes are super gradual. They definitely feel to be improving with working out and eating healthier last few months but idk definitely feels like all the acute stress of poker harms them. Read that cortisol is like anti-testosterone and 100% I think MTT poker is insanely stressful and constant cortisol spikes happen when you're playing long sessions. That stress often doesn't leave when your session is over either.
So yeah, I've been taking appropriate steps and to be honest feeling pretty good overall. Have really stiff shoulders and upper back from likely bad posture. Biggest things to work on right now: testosterone, correct stiffness, get shoulder surgery from torn labrum a few years ago. Other than that meditation, workouts, health have been top notch under my standards...Jason Koon may disagree.
-----------
Nothing of real substance in here but was a good way to kill some time
GL out there m8s
03-12-2019
, 12:45 AM
Approximately 11:45 PM and feeling completely wired for no apparent reason. Did a bunch of productive things today and capped it off with something that is surely the "be all and end all of productive activities": downloaded Red Dead Redemption. Sureeeeeely I'll be spending a few extremely productive hours there
One thing I've decided is that as soon as my sister is done school I'll be getting my office back (that she is using as a bedroom), I'll be converting it back into an office. Had a bit of a realization that when I spend such long hours at the computer: 1) my computer should be GTO and efficient for the job 2) my office should be GTO for the job and as optimal for health as possible.
Office Improvement To Do: Acquire standing desk, acquire new desktop PC with appropriate specs for poker (anyone have suggestions I'm a noob?), make setup ergonomically friendly, put my fish tank in there, get a trophy case, decorate it with some fake plants/pics etc...This has been a long time coming and although my future in online poker is uncertain: I'm sure having a GTO office/work set up can only be a positive for computer time well-being.
Bedroom Improvement: Much like the office we spend about 1/3 of our lives sleeping. Listened to this amazing Rogan podcast episode: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pwaWilO_Pig
^That podcast blew my mind...highly recommend having a listen. The quality of our sleep has a drastic effect on the quality of our lives and it seems to be something people undervalue. There's been this "hustle" movement in the past years that promotes that "sleep is for the weak" etc which is quite ironic and stupid imo. Anyways, to do: get a King Sized mattress, get better quality pillows, acquire blackout blinds.
So yeah, there's 2 areas of my life where I've massively under spent on in the past which have an enormous part of my life. Working to optimize them going forward. Stay tuned in here for pics etc. when I get it all worked out.
----------------------------------------------------------
Had this conversation with my friend the other day about "flaws of the education system" and my current state of insomnia seems like a good time to lull myself to bed with splurging a bit of it here. As per usual it's all just my random opinions mostly experiential with likely 0 research or evidence etc.
1. The system is archaic: Why are we teaching the same things we taught in the 1950s? Have times not changed? A lot of my Uni exams I would spend hours the night before memorizing things until 3 AM. I'd roll out of bed into the exam @ 8:30 AM and regurgitate it all onto a page before rolling back into bed and forgetting it all over a sleep of a lifetime. It just feels like a lot of the stuff taught is irrelevant and a waste of time to memorize when the answers are all right at our finger tips. For many topics grades are given on how well a student memorizes something as opposed to how well they understand it.
2. The system wastes a lot of time teaching things that are impractical in the lives of 99% of the students learning it. How many times outside of school have most people used the Quadratic Formula? Obviously, it would be practical to a few students and might be relevant for learning higher level math...but it seems absurd to force it upon 100% of students. Instead that time should be used learning things that are extremely practical in everyday life: how to do taxes, how to budget money, how to negotiate, how to "sell", how to improve your people skills, how to use social media, HOW TO USE COMPUTERS. Almost everything in our world nowadays has a computer behind it to some extent. Outside of learning how to type and some basic Microsoft program stuff I learned almost nothing about computers from school. Oh yeah, sex ed was pretty bad as well.
3. Everybody is grouped into the same funnel and the system aims to either dump them into 1) College or 2) University. When I was in school there was some type of weird pressure that if you had any decent type of brain you would be wasting your talent by going to anything other than University. In the era of most of my guidance councillors the answer was indeed University. When they were growing up everybody who went to Uni got good jobs right out of school and went on to make decent money probably...because Uni students were a lot more rare. Nowadays, degrees come a dime a dozen and a lot of kids waste their time and money going to Uni just because they felt some type of cultural obligation to do so. (Obviously Uni is great/necessary if you need it for the career path you desire.)
It seems like there's a definite demand growing for trades people and that is partly due to the education system/society trying to pump everybody into white collar jobs. We need to improve the system to groom students for the actual world we live in and the careers that would suit them well...not for the 1970s and in jobs they despise.
4.) The system squashes creativity and outside of the box thinking...on so many levels.
5) Schools should focus on building the foundations of a healthy and happy lifestyle. There is a massive cultural misunderstanding of nutrition/happiness/mindset/and physical health across North America and all of the bad habits everywhere seem to be spiraling downwards. The masses are misled by advertisements/governments or even just their own upbringing. The food industry is absolutely massive and corporations have so many tricks up their sleeves to acquire your money. Whether it's making you think that your burger is healthy because it's organic, or that "whole wheat" is healthy, etc. etc.
Anyways, getting a little bit carried away and probably sounding like Alex Jones conspiracy theorist advocate 101 so I'll cut it off there. Hope you guys are doing well and thanks for reading!
PS:
If you don't believe me check out the Canada Food Guide pyramid:
https://gyazo.com/9f70baa8504ce67eb9dd5bc69d2b5a53
Why have we brainwashed people to think they should be eating a diet with so many processed grains like bread/pasta/cereal? Our race got to be where it is today by eating meats, fruits, vegetables, nuts and other stuff natural to our environment. Our bodies aren't meant to deal with all of the processed garbage and large amounts of this stuff according to heaps of research leads to disease and worsened quality of life. I've been a victim to a lot of this mis-education and I'd be lying if it wasn't tough to kick some of these bad habits.
One thing I've decided is that as soon as my sister is done school I'll be getting my office back (that she is using as a bedroom), I'll be converting it back into an office. Had a bit of a realization that when I spend such long hours at the computer: 1) my computer should be GTO and efficient for the job 2) my office should be GTO for the job and as optimal for health as possible.
Office Improvement To Do: Acquire standing desk, acquire new desktop PC with appropriate specs for poker (anyone have suggestions I'm a noob?), make setup ergonomically friendly, put my fish tank in there, get a trophy case, decorate it with some fake plants/pics etc...This has been a long time coming and although my future in online poker is uncertain: I'm sure having a GTO office/work set up can only be a positive for computer time well-being.
Bedroom Improvement: Much like the office we spend about 1/3 of our lives sleeping. Listened to this amazing Rogan podcast episode: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pwaWilO_Pig
^That podcast blew my mind...highly recommend having a listen. The quality of our sleep has a drastic effect on the quality of our lives and it seems to be something people undervalue. There's been this "hustle" movement in the past years that promotes that "sleep is for the weak" etc which is quite ironic and stupid imo. Anyways, to do: get a King Sized mattress, get better quality pillows, acquire blackout blinds.
So yeah, there's 2 areas of my life where I've massively under spent on in the past which have an enormous part of my life. Working to optimize them going forward. Stay tuned in here for pics etc. when I get it all worked out.
----------------------------------------------------------
Had this conversation with my friend the other day about "flaws of the education system" and my current state of insomnia seems like a good time to lull myself to bed with splurging a bit of it here. As per usual it's all just my random opinions mostly experiential with likely 0 research or evidence etc.
1. The system is archaic: Why are we teaching the same things we taught in the 1950s? Have times not changed? A lot of my Uni exams I would spend hours the night before memorizing things until 3 AM. I'd roll out of bed into the exam @ 8:30 AM and regurgitate it all onto a page before rolling back into bed and forgetting it all over a sleep of a lifetime. It just feels like a lot of the stuff taught is irrelevant and a waste of time to memorize when the answers are all right at our finger tips. For many topics grades are given on how well a student memorizes something as opposed to how well they understand it.
2. The system wastes a lot of time teaching things that are impractical in the lives of 99% of the students learning it. How many times outside of school have most people used the Quadratic Formula? Obviously, it would be practical to a few students and might be relevant for learning higher level math...but it seems absurd to force it upon 100% of students. Instead that time should be used learning things that are extremely practical in everyday life: how to do taxes, how to budget money, how to negotiate, how to "sell", how to improve your people skills, how to use social media, HOW TO USE COMPUTERS. Almost everything in our world nowadays has a computer behind it to some extent. Outside of learning how to type and some basic Microsoft program stuff I learned almost nothing about computers from school. Oh yeah, sex ed was pretty bad as well.
3. Everybody is grouped into the same funnel and the system aims to either dump them into 1) College or 2) University. When I was in school there was some type of weird pressure that if you had any decent type of brain you would be wasting your talent by going to anything other than University. In the era of most of my guidance councillors the answer was indeed University. When they were growing up everybody who went to Uni got good jobs right out of school and went on to make decent money probably...because Uni students were a lot more rare. Nowadays, degrees come a dime a dozen and a lot of kids waste their time and money going to Uni just because they felt some type of cultural obligation to do so. (Obviously Uni is great/necessary if you need it for the career path you desire.)
It seems like there's a definite demand growing for trades people and that is partly due to the education system/society trying to pump everybody into white collar jobs. We need to improve the system to groom students for the actual world we live in and the careers that would suit them well...not for the 1970s and in jobs they despise.
4.) The system squashes creativity and outside of the box thinking...on so many levels.
5) Schools should focus on building the foundations of a healthy and happy lifestyle. There is a massive cultural misunderstanding of nutrition/happiness/mindset/and physical health across North America and all of the bad habits everywhere seem to be spiraling downwards. The masses are misled by advertisements/governments or even just their own upbringing. The food industry is absolutely massive and corporations have so many tricks up their sleeves to acquire your money. Whether it's making you think that your burger is healthy because it's organic, or that "whole wheat" is healthy, etc. etc.
Anyways, getting a little bit carried away and probably sounding like Alex Jones conspiracy theorist advocate 101 so I'll cut it off there. Hope you guys are doing well and thanks for reading!
PS:
If you don't believe me check out the Canada Food Guide pyramid:
https://gyazo.com/9f70baa8504ce67eb9dd5bc69d2b5a53
Why have we brainwashed people to think they should be eating a diet with so many processed grains like bread/pasta/cereal? Our race got to be where it is today by eating meats, fruits, vegetables, nuts and other stuff natural to our environment. Our bodies aren't meant to deal with all of the processed garbage and large amounts of this stuff according to heaps of research leads to disease and worsened quality of life. I've been a victim to a lot of this mis-education and I'd be lying if it wasn't tough to kick some of these bad habits.
03-19-2019
, 02:22 AM
Been awhile since I've talked a poker hand in here. Had to play through some money to send to a friend on Stars so logged ~20 minutes of 100z. Here's a fun one: https://www.boomplayer.com/30349108_E3F3ABC723
Not exactly sure I even love my line but sometimes I take pride (for some odd reason) in actually having bluffs in spots that most nit regs have a 100% nut range and never find bluffs. I'm barely studied in cash games so idk what's standard etc but my assumption his turn over bet is generally weighted strongly towards value in these games? Turn is possibly close to a fold vs. that sizing? As played felt like his value range would probably over bet the river and he probably isn't bet/folding much of his value hands/I beat all his bluffs. Maybe this is just a call idk. If he's capable of getting to the river with AA/KK/AQ maybe this is good. In terms of bluff candidates this is quite good imo: blocking boats/can credibly rep TT maaaaybe some 99/44 but probably x/r most of those combos on flop. So yeah, might actually be not great in hindsight but felt gangster at the time
------------------------
All poker aside let's have some real talk as I sit here red-eyed at 1:34 in the morning.
Nearing the end of 2018 I was in a really desolate place with poker and just life in general (kind of, an impoverished kid in Africa might consider this a rock star life). I was nearing my first ever losing year of online tournament poker, I made very little progress to almost anything in real life during that year, and the seemingly endless piles of expenses were taking their toll on my bankroll. A simple scan of blog posts in that era can reveal that I was in a very existential place.
Outside of 75k and 25k scores in live poker that year it was a complete write off, kind of. To be honest, I truly believe(d) that I was in the bottom ~1% of variance during 2018 in so many different gambling avenues.
So anyways, I was really beginning to doubt everything when seemingly so many of my foundations that support my life were crashing down. One day I got called over to my parent's place and got into a huge argument with my dad about applying to jobs. I'm sure you can imagine that when you feel down on yourself in poker-it adds salt to the wounds when people close to you are actively expressing their concerns about your lack of recent success.
Our conversation ended up with my dad saying "safe drive home and go get a job." I replied with "you remember this conversation dad." So I peeled out of there like I'd just robbed a bank and blared some music for my drive home to drown out the thoughts of uncertainty flooding my mind. I got home around 9:30 PM that Monday night and did what I've always done when in this type of state: loaded up a MTT session.
I distinctly remember having "Me Against the World" by Tupac blasting on repeat as I clicked buttons all night. I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a tear or two that hit my eye. Pretty sure I smoked a bunch of weed and took some beats then passed out. The next day I spent just being angry at the world and probably made some type of rant in my PGC thread to help ease the pain/ gain some motivation to get out of that slump.
As hard as I grinded the year didn't get any better to close it out. What came in with the best start to a year I could ever ask for: winning a trip to the PCA and cashing for 75k, ended as being maybe the worst year of my life.
Maybe 2018 wasn't all a waste though? Maybe going through that downswing and experimenting with literally EVERYTHING was a blessing in disguise? Maybe losing that flip on FT bubble of the PCA Main for chip lead was the best thing that ever happened to me? I never really realized it until recently but I grew a lot as a person and poker player during 2018. Through tough times with immense pressure we can crumble or we can make diamonds. It's tough to realize it in the moment but looking back on it there's so much beauty in the struggle.
----------------------
It's been almost a month since I've been out of poker and I'm feeling really good about things. I have to say it's been nice not having the outlet of poker for a few weeks. As much as poker has been my cash cow for ~7 years it has also served as my drug in a way. Whenever things started to get tough in my real life I would just crank some music and drown out those difficult feelings while I numbed my mind with decisions about ranges/ICM/clicking buttons/being a key board warrior etc. From one angle we can call this "hard work". "This guy grinds like a fiend and works so hard grinding 7 days a week while having a full course load!" From another angle we can call this a numbing mechanism that can be very destructive.
I got into this really bad habit of turning to poker when there was any type of adversity or problem in my life I wouldn't want to deal with. When my parents dropped me off for my second year of University I dreaded all of the festivities that came along with frosh week (wtf was wrong with me?) The only reason I was happy about going back there was because it meant I could grind alone in my room in peace as long and as often as I wanted. One Friday night my roommates threw a party and I was feeling depressed and anti-social af and they kept telling me to come out drinking but I told them "I'm just gonna play poker in my room with the door locked don't tell anyone I'm there". I remember blaring music in my headphones all night so I could distract myself from being social. That memory makes me really sad to think I would prioritize playing some nightly bowls over enjoying a nice social life in school and forming relationships.
This became a habit for so long. Whether it was distracting myself from the gym, eating healthy, being depressed, going to school, or just anything I had to face...I didn't.
The better I got at poker and the more money I made the problems beneath the surface grew. When it wasn't poker it was other things: video games, drinking, weed, just anything that would distract me from facing the problems at my deepest level.
If there's one thing my 20's have taught me it's that problems seldom fix themselves. If you leave problems buried they just grow, and grow, and grow. These problems will fester in your mind every waking minute until they're dealt with. Every time you shove them deeper you feel a little bit more guilt and they grow a little bit bigger.
This month has been dedicated to actually listening to the problems at my deepest importance for once and working to find solutions. From first hand experience I can say that winning money will solve very few of these problems. I can also say that facing those demons head on brings way more gratification than winning a poker tournament ever could.
Oh yeah, if you're wondering: my dad will always remember that conversation, especially after I sent him the photo of me holding the trophy
Wish I had more time to edit this post as there's a lot of jargon and rambling in here. Also wish I was a better writer but we can't always have the things we wish for
GN and GL/thx for reading
Not exactly sure I even love my line but sometimes I take pride (for some odd reason) in actually having bluffs in spots that most nit regs have a 100% nut range and never find bluffs. I'm barely studied in cash games so idk what's standard etc but my assumption his turn over bet is generally weighted strongly towards value in these games? Turn is possibly close to a fold vs. that sizing? As played felt like his value range would probably over bet the river and he probably isn't bet/folding much of his value hands/I beat all his bluffs. Maybe this is just a call idk. If he's capable of getting to the river with AA/KK/AQ maybe this is good. In terms of bluff candidates this is quite good imo: blocking boats/can credibly rep TT maaaaybe some 99/44 but probably x/r most of those combos on flop. So yeah, might actually be not great in hindsight but felt gangster at the time
------------------------
All poker aside let's have some real talk as I sit here red-eyed at 1:34 in the morning.
Nearing the end of 2018 I was in a really desolate place with poker and just life in general (kind of, an impoverished kid in Africa might consider this a rock star life). I was nearing my first ever losing year of online tournament poker, I made very little progress to almost anything in real life during that year, and the seemingly endless piles of expenses were taking their toll on my bankroll. A simple scan of blog posts in that era can reveal that I was in a very existential place.
Outside of 75k and 25k scores in live poker that year it was a complete write off, kind of. To be honest, I truly believe(d) that I was in the bottom ~1% of variance during 2018 in so many different gambling avenues.
So anyways, I was really beginning to doubt everything when seemingly so many of my foundations that support my life were crashing down. One day I got called over to my parent's place and got into a huge argument with my dad about applying to jobs. I'm sure you can imagine that when you feel down on yourself in poker-it adds salt to the wounds when people close to you are actively expressing their concerns about your lack of recent success.
Our conversation ended up with my dad saying "safe drive home and go get a job." I replied with "you remember this conversation dad." So I peeled out of there like I'd just robbed a bank and blared some music for my drive home to drown out the thoughts of uncertainty flooding my mind. I got home around 9:30 PM that Monday night and did what I've always done when in this type of state: loaded up a MTT session.
I distinctly remember having "Me Against the World" by Tupac blasting on repeat as I clicked buttons all night. I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a tear or two that hit my eye. Pretty sure I smoked a bunch of weed and took some beats then passed out. The next day I spent just being angry at the world and probably made some type of rant in my PGC thread to help ease the pain/ gain some motivation to get out of that slump.
As hard as I grinded the year didn't get any better to close it out. What came in with the best start to a year I could ever ask for: winning a trip to the PCA and cashing for 75k, ended as being maybe the worst year of my life.
Maybe 2018 wasn't all a waste though? Maybe going through that downswing and experimenting with literally EVERYTHING was a blessing in disguise? Maybe losing that flip on FT bubble of the PCA Main for chip lead was the best thing that ever happened to me? I never really realized it until recently but I grew a lot as a person and poker player during 2018. Through tough times with immense pressure we can crumble or we can make diamonds. It's tough to realize it in the moment but looking back on it there's so much beauty in the struggle.
----------------------
It's been almost a month since I've been out of poker and I'm feeling really good about things. I have to say it's been nice not having the outlet of poker for a few weeks. As much as poker has been my cash cow for ~7 years it has also served as my drug in a way. Whenever things started to get tough in my real life I would just crank some music and drown out those difficult feelings while I numbed my mind with decisions about ranges/ICM/clicking buttons/being a key board warrior etc. From one angle we can call this "hard work". "This guy grinds like a fiend and works so hard grinding 7 days a week while having a full course load!" From another angle we can call this a numbing mechanism that can be very destructive.
I got into this really bad habit of turning to poker when there was any type of adversity or problem in my life I wouldn't want to deal with. When my parents dropped me off for my second year of University I dreaded all of the festivities that came along with frosh week (wtf was wrong with me?) The only reason I was happy about going back there was because it meant I could grind alone in my room in peace as long and as often as I wanted. One Friday night my roommates threw a party and I was feeling depressed and anti-social af and they kept telling me to come out drinking but I told them "I'm just gonna play poker in my room with the door locked don't tell anyone I'm there". I remember blaring music in my headphones all night so I could distract myself from being social. That memory makes me really sad to think I would prioritize playing some nightly bowls over enjoying a nice social life in school and forming relationships.
This became a habit for so long. Whether it was distracting myself from the gym, eating healthy, being depressed, going to school, or just anything I had to face...I didn't.
The better I got at poker and the more money I made the problems beneath the surface grew. When it wasn't poker it was other things: video games, drinking, weed, just anything that would distract me from facing the problems at my deepest level.
If there's one thing my 20's have taught me it's that problems seldom fix themselves. If you leave problems buried they just grow, and grow, and grow. These problems will fester in your mind every waking minute until they're dealt with. Every time you shove them deeper you feel a little bit more guilt and they grow a little bit bigger.
This month has been dedicated to actually listening to the problems at my deepest importance for once and working to find solutions. From first hand experience I can say that winning money will solve very few of these problems. I can also say that facing those demons head on brings way more gratification than winning a poker tournament ever could.
Oh yeah, if you're wondering: my dad will always remember that conversation, especially after I sent him the photo of me holding the trophy
Wish I had more time to edit this post as there's a lot of jargon and rambling in here. Also wish I was a better writer but we can't always have the things we wish for
GN and GL/thx for reading
03-21-2019
, 04:19 PM
Quote:
Been awhile since I've talked a poker hand in here. Had to play through some money to send to a friend on Stars so logged ~20 minutes of 100z. Here's a fun one: https://www.boomplayer.com/30349108_E3F3ABC723
Not exactly sure I even love my line but sometimes I take pride (for some odd reason) in actually having bluffs in spots that most nit regs have a 100% nut range and never find bluffs. I'm barely studied in cash games so idk what's standard etc but my assumption his turn over bet is generally weighted strongly towards value in these games? Turn is possibly close to a fold vs. that sizing? As played felt like his value range would probably over bet the river and he probably isn't bet/folding much of his value hands/I beat all his bluffs. Maybe this is just a call idk. If he's capable of getting to the river with AA/KK/AQ maybe this is good. In terms of bluff candidates this is quite good imo: blocking boats/can credibly rep TT maaaaybe some 99/44 but probably x/r most of those combos on flop. So yeah, might actually be not great in hindsight but felt gangster at the time
------------------------
All poker aside let's have some real talk as I sit here red-eyed at 1:34 in the morning.
Nearing the end of 2018 I was in a really desolate place with poker and just life in general (kind of, an impoverished kid in Africa might consider this a rock star life). I was nearing my first ever losing year of online tournament poker, I made very little progress to almost anything in real life during that year, and the seemingly endless piles of expenses were taking their toll on my bankroll. A simple scan of blog posts in that era can reveal that I was in a very existential place.
Outside of 75k and 25k scores in live poker that year it was a complete write off, kind of. To be honest, I truly believe(d) that I was in the bottom ~1% of variance during 2018 in so many different gambling avenues.
So anyways, I was really beginning to doubt everything when seemingly so many of my foundations that support my life were crashing down. One day I got called over to my parent's place and got into a huge argument with my dad about applying to jobs. I'm sure you can imagine that when you feel down on yourself in poker-it adds salt to the wounds when people close to you are actively expressing their concerns about your lack of recent success.
Our conversation ended up with my dad saying "safe drive home and go get a job." I replied with "you remember this conversation dad." So I peeled out of there like I'd just robbed a bank and blared some music for my drive home to drown out the thoughts of uncertainty flooding my mind. I got home around 9:30 PM that Monday night and did what I've always done when in this type of state: loaded up a MTT session.
I distinctly remember having "Me Against the World" by Tupac blasting on repeat as I clicked buttons all night. I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a tear or two that hit my eye. Pretty sure I smoked a bunch of weed and took some beats then passed out. The next day I spent just being angry at the world and probably made some type of rant in my PGC thread to help ease the pain/ gain some motivation to get out of that slump.
As hard as I grinded the year didn't get any better to close it out. What came in with the best start to a year I could ever ask for: winning a trip to the PCA and cashing for 75k, ended as being maybe the worst year of my life.
Maybe 2018 wasn't all a waste though? Maybe going through that downswing and experimenting with literally EVERYTHING was a blessing in disguise? Maybe losing that flip on FT bubble of the PCA Main for chip lead was the best thing that ever happened to me? I never really realized it until recently but I grew a lot as a person and poker player during 2018. Through tough times with immense pressure we can crumble or we can make diamonds. It's tough to realize it in the moment but looking back on it there's so much beauty in the struggle.
----------------------
It's been almost a month since I've been out of poker and I'm feeling really good about things. I have to say it's been nice not having the outlet of poker for a few weeks. As much as poker has been my cash cow for ~7 years it has also served as my drug in a way. Whenever things started to get tough in my real life I would just crank some music and drown out those difficult feelings while I numbed my mind with decisions about ranges/ICM/clicking buttons/being a key board warrior etc. From one angle we can call this "hard work". "This guy grinds like a fiend and works so hard grinding 7 days a week while having a full course load!" From another angle we can call this a numbing mechanism that can be very destructive.
I got into this really bad habit of turning to poker when there was any type of adversity or problem in my life I wouldn't want to deal with. When my parents dropped me off for my second year of University I dreaded all of the festivities that came along with frosh week (wtf was wrong with me?) The only reason I was happy about going back there was because it meant I could grind alone in my room in peace as long and as often as I wanted. One Friday night my roommates threw a party and I was feeling depressed and anti-social af and they kept telling me to come out drinking but I told them "I'm just gonna play poker in my room with the door locked don't tell anyone I'm there". I remember blaring music in my headphones all night so I could distract myself from being social. That memory makes me really sad to think I would prioritize playing some nightly bowls over enjoying a nice social life in school and forming relationships.
This became a habit for so long. Whether it was distracting myself from the gym, eating healthy, being depressed, going to school, or just anything I had to face...I didn't.
The better I got at poker and the more money I made the problems beneath the surface grew. When it wasn't poker it was other things: video games, drinking, weed, just anything that would distract me from facing the problems at my deepest level.
If there's one thing my 20's have taught me it's that problems seldom fix themselves. If you leave problems buried they just grow, and grow, and grow. These problems will fester in your mind every waking minute until they're dealt with. Every time you shove them deeper you feel a little bit more guilt and they grow a little bit bigger.
This month has been dedicated to actually listening to the problems at my deepest importance for once and working to find solutions. From first hand experience I can say that winning money will solve very few of these problems. I can also say that facing those demons head on brings way more gratification than winning a poker tournament ever could.
Oh yeah, if you're wondering: my dad will always remember that conversation, especially after I sent him the photo of me holding the trophy
Wish I had more time to edit this post as there's a lot of jargon and rambling in here. Also wish I was a better writer but we can't always have the things we wish for
GN and GL/thx for reading
Not exactly sure I even love my line but sometimes I take pride (for some odd reason) in actually having bluffs in spots that most nit regs have a 100% nut range and never find bluffs. I'm barely studied in cash games so idk what's standard etc but my assumption his turn over bet is generally weighted strongly towards value in these games? Turn is possibly close to a fold vs. that sizing? As played felt like his value range would probably over bet the river and he probably isn't bet/folding much of his value hands/I beat all his bluffs. Maybe this is just a call idk. If he's capable of getting to the river with AA/KK/AQ maybe this is good. In terms of bluff candidates this is quite good imo: blocking boats/can credibly rep TT maaaaybe some 99/44 but probably x/r most of those combos on flop. So yeah, might actually be not great in hindsight but felt gangster at the time
------------------------
All poker aside let's have some real talk as I sit here red-eyed at 1:34 in the morning.
Nearing the end of 2018 I was in a really desolate place with poker and just life in general (kind of, an impoverished kid in Africa might consider this a rock star life). I was nearing my first ever losing year of online tournament poker, I made very little progress to almost anything in real life during that year, and the seemingly endless piles of expenses were taking their toll on my bankroll. A simple scan of blog posts in that era can reveal that I was in a very existential place.
Outside of 75k and 25k scores in live poker that year it was a complete write off, kind of. To be honest, I truly believe(d) that I was in the bottom ~1% of variance during 2018 in so many different gambling avenues.
So anyways, I was really beginning to doubt everything when seemingly so many of my foundations that support my life were crashing down. One day I got called over to my parent's place and got into a huge argument with my dad about applying to jobs. I'm sure you can imagine that when you feel down on yourself in poker-it adds salt to the wounds when people close to you are actively expressing their concerns about your lack of recent success.
Our conversation ended up with my dad saying "safe drive home and go get a job." I replied with "you remember this conversation dad." So I peeled out of there like I'd just robbed a bank and blared some music for my drive home to drown out the thoughts of uncertainty flooding my mind. I got home around 9:30 PM that Monday night and did what I've always done when in this type of state: loaded up a MTT session.
I distinctly remember having "Me Against the World" by Tupac blasting on repeat as I clicked buttons all night. I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a tear or two that hit my eye. Pretty sure I smoked a bunch of weed and took some beats then passed out. The next day I spent just being angry at the world and probably made some type of rant in my PGC thread to help ease the pain/ gain some motivation to get out of that slump.
As hard as I grinded the year didn't get any better to close it out. What came in with the best start to a year I could ever ask for: winning a trip to the PCA and cashing for 75k, ended as being maybe the worst year of my life.
Maybe 2018 wasn't all a waste though? Maybe going through that downswing and experimenting with literally EVERYTHING was a blessing in disguise? Maybe losing that flip on FT bubble of the PCA Main for chip lead was the best thing that ever happened to me? I never really realized it until recently but I grew a lot as a person and poker player during 2018. Through tough times with immense pressure we can crumble or we can make diamonds. It's tough to realize it in the moment but looking back on it there's so much beauty in the struggle.
----------------------
It's been almost a month since I've been out of poker and I'm feeling really good about things. I have to say it's been nice not having the outlet of poker for a few weeks. As much as poker has been my cash cow for ~7 years it has also served as my drug in a way. Whenever things started to get tough in my real life I would just crank some music and drown out those difficult feelings while I numbed my mind with decisions about ranges/ICM/clicking buttons/being a key board warrior etc. From one angle we can call this "hard work". "This guy grinds like a fiend and works so hard grinding 7 days a week while having a full course load!" From another angle we can call this a numbing mechanism that can be very destructive.
I got into this really bad habit of turning to poker when there was any type of adversity or problem in my life I wouldn't want to deal with. When my parents dropped me off for my second year of University I dreaded all of the festivities that came along with frosh week (wtf was wrong with me?) The only reason I was happy about going back there was because it meant I could grind alone in my room in peace as long and as often as I wanted. One Friday night my roommates threw a party and I was feeling depressed and anti-social af and they kept telling me to come out drinking but I told them "I'm just gonna play poker in my room with the door locked don't tell anyone I'm there". I remember blaring music in my headphones all night so I could distract myself from being social. That memory makes me really sad to think I would prioritize playing some nightly bowls over enjoying a nice social life in school and forming relationships.
This became a habit for so long. Whether it was distracting myself from the gym, eating healthy, being depressed, going to school, or just anything I had to face...I didn't.
The better I got at poker and the more money I made the problems beneath the surface grew. When it wasn't poker it was other things: video games, drinking, weed, just anything that would distract me from facing the problems at my deepest level.
If there's one thing my 20's have taught me it's that problems seldom fix themselves. If you leave problems buried they just grow, and grow, and grow. These problems will fester in your mind every waking minute until they're dealt with. Every time you shove them deeper you feel a little bit more guilt and they grow a little bit bigger.
This month has been dedicated to actually listening to the problems at my deepest importance for once and working to find solutions. From first hand experience I can say that winning money will solve very few of these problems. I can also say that facing those demons head on brings way more gratification than winning a poker tournament ever could.
Oh yeah, if you're wondering: my dad will always remember that conversation, especially after I sent him the photo of me holding the trophy
Wish I had more time to edit this post as there's a lot of jargon and rambling in here. Also wish I was a better writer but we can't always have the things we wish for
GN and GL/thx for reading
03-22-2019
, 01:27 AM
ty d00d I appreciate it.
------------
Not sure if I'm just some entitled millennial here but felt like I haven't been in much contact with my dad last few months. As I said above after that big quarrel I had with him in November I went home and put "Me Against the World" by Tupac on repeat. I don't want to vilify my dad here because I know my parents have been my biggest supporters my whole life. That being said, we have our disagreements regarding certain approaches to life. My parents have always had my best interests in mind and always will. However, these differences in opinion often result in me kinda being left to fight for myself.
I was getting fed up with trying to reach out and then every time I did, being read the riot act about what I should be doing with my money, my poker career, my life etc. Again, the intentions are good...it's just tough to hear when I hold different views and I'm trying to stay on what I believe to be a great path.
So anyways, I tried calling him the other day because we hadn't spoken in some time. Needless to say, after about 5 minutes of talking I was asked "how's poker going?" I told him "I'm taking the month off to focus on my health and some other things." So now he starts getting angry saying this is supposed to be my job and the world doesn't work like this. "You can't just take a month off". Things got a bit escalated and then he basically just said "whatever I'm busy gotta go."
Am I just some entitled millennial? Seriously man I don't think people who aren't online MTT grinders will ever have any idea the tolls that this game takes on your body/mind. I know it sounds ridiculous because you could live this profession full time and take ~2000 steps/week. Playing online poker professionally involves sitting in solitary/sedentary states for long periods of time whilst dealing with massive stress levels. I mean, just the nature of playing poker is very stressful (for me anyways).
I've said it a million times in here and I'm concerned about the way my health has been trending and I want to take a step away from the game to correct the path. Afterall, money doesn't mean **** if you don't have health and at no point again in my life do I ever want to sacrifice health for money.
I've put myself through the cleaners in life so many times because of what other people wanted me to do. If I give whatever I choose to do and get my health back to where I want it in the next few years what's the worst case scenario? Maybe I end up broke when I'm 30 and have to get on the career horse?
Future Prospects: As mentioned in the past poker is only a means to an end for me. I don't want to be playing this game for a living when I'm 40 years old or something. Have been spending some time to evaluate options and been running through business plan strategies with one of my good friends.
Sorta taken a leap of faith the last year or so and thus far I'm happy with how it's panning out. Thanks for reading and I couldn't help but resist playing the 109 Mini Thrill today. Here's a few hands:
https://www.boomplayer.com/30368780_A1FAFFF222
I mean his jam is kinda horrendous is it not? I actually puke called AKo here and considered folding it. Just feels like he's not ripping AQ or worse here ever. His jam basically just folds out bluffs and get's called by like JJ+AK which is a decent portion of my range cuz I'm a nit.
https://www.boomplayer.com/30368706_0FB568BA06
getting a bit out of line here. meh, he's reasonably capped by the river and I think I can have so many thin-ish value jams given bounty properties etc. Would much prefer like a flush blocker but meh I expect his range to be like medium strength heavy and just give me credit lots.
https://www.boomplayer.com/30368266_95E3204707
Open is quite questionable imo, although with short stack bounty next to me it felt obligatory. Think everything til river super standard. Only question is should we be raising river for value? I think population is generally leading most of their Qx on the turn, and not value betting worse than Qx with this sizing on the river? (or maybe they are idk).
My inkling is that on the river his range is pretty polarized like basically bluffs/9x/the occasional boat/maybe some Qx...given that range I think we should just call as he probably gives my river raise credit with worse fairly often/his value range mostly beats me. He probably perceives that my line is seldom a bluff (which would be correct mostly).
Also most players seem to lead their bluffs on the turn here if they are going to, which leads me to believe he's even more weighted towards 9x.
--------------
Am falling asleep writing this but tried to give thoughts they might not be legible
GN FAM
------------
Not sure if I'm just some entitled millennial here but felt like I haven't been in much contact with my dad last few months. As I said above after that big quarrel I had with him in November I went home and put "Me Against the World" by Tupac on repeat. I don't want to vilify my dad here because I know my parents have been my biggest supporters my whole life. That being said, we have our disagreements regarding certain approaches to life. My parents have always had my best interests in mind and always will. However, these differences in opinion often result in me kinda being left to fight for myself.
I was getting fed up with trying to reach out and then every time I did, being read the riot act about what I should be doing with my money, my poker career, my life etc. Again, the intentions are good...it's just tough to hear when I hold different views and I'm trying to stay on what I believe to be a great path.
So anyways, I tried calling him the other day because we hadn't spoken in some time. Needless to say, after about 5 minutes of talking I was asked "how's poker going?" I told him "I'm taking the month off to focus on my health and some other things." So now he starts getting angry saying this is supposed to be my job and the world doesn't work like this. "You can't just take a month off". Things got a bit escalated and then he basically just said "whatever I'm busy gotta go."
Am I just some entitled millennial? Seriously man I don't think people who aren't online MTT grinders will ever have any idea the tolls that this game takes on your body/mind. I know it sounds ridiculous because you could live this profession full time and take ~2000 steps/week. Playing online poker professionally involves sitting in solitary/sedentary states for long periods of time whilst dealing with massive stress levels. I mean, just the nature of playing poker is very stressful (for me anyways).
I've said it a million times in here and I'm concerned about the way my health has been trending and I want to take a step away from the game to correct the path. Afterall, money doesn't mean **** if you don't have health and at no point again in my life do I ever want to sacrifice health for money.
I've put myself through the cleaners in life so many times because of what other people wanted me to do. If I give whatever I choose to do and get my health back to where I want it in the next few years what's the worst case scenario? Maybe I end up broke when I'm 30 and have to get on the career horse?
Future Prospects: As mentioned in the past poker is only a means to an end for me. I don't want to be playing this game for a living when I'm 40 years old or something. Have been spending some time to evaluate options and been running through business plan strategies with one of my good friends.
Sorta taken a leap of faith the last year or so and thus far I'm happy with how it's panning out. Thanks for reading and I couldn't help but resist playing the 109 Mini Thrill today. Here's a few hands:
https://www.boomplayer.com/30368780_A1FAFFF222
I mean his jam is kinda horrendous is it not? I actually puke called AKo here and considered folding it. Just feels like he's not ripping AQ or worse here ever. His jam basically just folds out bluffs and get's called by like JJ+AK which is a decent portion of my range cuz I'm a nit.
https://www.boomplayer.com/30368706_0FB568BA06
getting a bit out of line here. meh, he's reasonably capped by the river and I think I can have so many thin-ish value jams given bounty properties etc. Would much prefer like a flush blocker but meh I expect his range to be like medium strength heavy and just give me credit lots.
https://www.boomplayer.com/30368266_95E3204707
Open is quite questionable imo, although with short stack bounty next to me it felt obligatory. Think everything til river super standard. Only question is should we be raising river for value? I think population is generally leading most of their Qx on the turn, and not value betting worse than Qx with this sizing on the river? (or maybe they are idk).
My inkling is that on the river his range is pretty polarized like basically bluffs/9x/the occasional boat/maybe some Qx...given that range I think we should just call as he probably gives my river raise credit with worse fairly often/his value range mostly beats me. He probably perceives that my line is seldom a bluff (which would be correct mostly).
Also most players seem to lead their bluffs on the turn here if they are going to, which leads me to believe he's even more weighted towards 9x.
--------------
Am falling asleep writing this but tried to give thoughts they might not be legible
GN FAM
03-22-2019
, 09:22 AM
03-23-2019
, 04:42 PM
Quote:
Really interesting stuff, your wall of texts are good to read haha.
Btw, it's normal to avoid negative people (even family), sometimes it's not worth to stay close to someone tbat gives you bad vibes until they start treating you well.
About the break, I think you're overestimating how much stress poker can give you, there are lots of other jobs that go even heavier on mental and physical health (specially when people work insane hours),like doctors, people working in wall street, people working in consulting firms. Not saying you're an entitled millenial, actually I think people should take vacations more often/quit their jobs to have peace with themselves. But some people have it way harder than you, just as an example, I got a friend that was hospitalized and he was still working from the hospital and he works a lot on sundays/saturdays, there's another one who is a doctor that says his dream is to have one weekend to rest every 2 weeks.
Your goal as a poker player should be to live a balanced lifestyle, save as much as you can and get a lot of passive income so you can work less and just stick to the best EV mtts you play. I think it's viable to be a 40-year old and still grinding, but obv the volume should be smaller at that age.
Gl man!
Vaaaaamoooo
Btw, it's normal to avoid negative people (even family), sometimes it's not worth to stay close to someone tbat gives you bad vibes until they start treating you well.
About the break, I think you're overestimating how much stress poker can give you, there are lots of other jobs that go even heavier on mental and physical health (specially when people work insane hours),like doctors, people working in wall street, people working in consulting firms. Not saying you're an entitled millenial, actually I think people should take vacations more often/quit their jobs to have peace with themselves. But some people have it way harder than you, just as an example, I got a friend that was hospitalized and he was still working from the hospital and he works a lot on sundays/saturdays, there's another one who is a doctor that says his dream is to have one weekend to rest every 2 weeks.
Your goal as a poker player should be to live a balanced lifestyle, save as much as you can and get a lot of passive income so you can work less and just stick to the best EV mtts you play. I think it's viable to be a 40-year old and still grinding, but obv the volume should be smaller at that age.
Gl man!
Vaaaaamoooo
Separating myself from negative people is something I've struggled with my whole life and I don't know why. One guy who used to be a good friend in poker did nothing but constantly drag me down and tell me how bad I was etc. We haven't spoken in 2 years but still I have a lot of negative feelings/thoughts about that toxic relationship to this day. Like why am I still having these feelings fester in my mind after 2 years of separation? Logically I know these thoughts have 0 positive effect but my mind seems to be drawn to them over and over? Like I said I love my family and they're looking out for me but I need to make some of my own decisions too.
As for the stress part of it: There's so many different things that can cause stress imo and different types of stress might be worse than others. Like a doctor can go to work every day and know they're doing something good for the world, get a nice fat/regular pay cheque, and the stress they face involves a noble cause at the end of the day. Many tournament players have no clue the certainty of their future career, don't have enough to support themselves through their next downswing, constantly have to sweat massive stress situations while remaining numb to their emotions. and 70-95% of their days involve losing money!
100% I need to improve at identifying stressful thought patterns and large stressors on my life (and probably most players could as well).
(Sorry for the bulky response lol but I'm passionate about these topics)
Quote:
h1 jam looks fine. he'll fold out your bluffs like KJo KQo AJo which is not bad result at all for his TT. what would u do from the bb, flat TT ? i don't think that option is very attractive. fwiw OR can fold AK/JJ in this scenario sometimes which makes the jam even better
h2 would just do 1/3, don't think our hand benefits a lot from being put into big flop sizing. go big w like J8s K9s that can instantly fold out plenty better hands make more sense to me. as you played turn and river seems like u just went full bananas tbh, it is credible line but his range is too **** strong after we size it up like this and yeah i dont hate the turn but think we shoud just give up river w no flush blocker
h3 everything is pretty reasonable - mandatory open. river feels a bit thin but i'd go for it too. think he can 3b jam A9 though
@ontopic : dads gonna dad
h2 would just do 1/3, don't think our hand benefits a lot from being put into big flop sizing. go big w like J8s K9s that can instantly fold out plenty better hands make more sense to me. as you played turn and river seems like u just went full bananas tbh, it is credible line but his range is too **** strong after we size it up like this and yeah i dont hate the turn but think we shoud just give up river w no flush blocker
h3 everything is pretty reasonable - mandatory open. river feels a bit thin but i'd go for it too. think he can 3b jam A9 though
@ontopic : dads gonna dad
h1: I probably don't have a cold calling range in the BB in his spot. Main issue is bounty on his head and I'm not folding JJ/AK but would almost always fold TT/AQ. I guess in theory it probably is +cev but not by much considering I'm sorta nitty on the button and it fkn sucks getting in 62bbs when you're flipping or close to dead vs an over pair. Looking back now I guess it's fine but I'd probably just nit fold TT and not tell anybody (other than here
)h2: sorta agree with some stuff you said and sorta not
i'll talk more on skype with u bout this oneh3: tyty and ty for ur thoughts as per usual sir, gl this weekend.
03-25-2019
, 01:14 AM
First session back in in 3-4 weeks now and game felt pretty good/make sooooooo manyyyyy Skansky $. Unfortunately, that means I lost some real $ and was reminded of how tilting online Sunday sessions can be.
Anyways, this is gonna be my last week off and gonna try to make the most of it. To do:
-Gym 4x
-Float session
-1-2 Hikes/Nature walks
-Finish this book I've been reading
-Go to live tournament on the weekend
-Maaaaaaybe play 1 online session to make sure I'm sharp
Btw reading this really good book that Olivier Busquet recommended on twitter (I think it was him). I'll confirm the name of the book tomorrow as this weed has been shackled to my couch atm. It's all about depression/the rise of depression and the factors that this guy has came up with which he believes cause it. I'm only about half-way through it but have really found some key points. A lot of my thoughts in the past few years have wandered towards understanding depression/why it's been increasing and this book definitely represents some of the theories I've had. I really believe happiness and the way our world has progressed have an inverse relationship.
Theory 1/9: This is the first part of the list that he has and all of the causes are in line with "disconnection". Theory 1 is called "Disconnection from meaningful work."
Anyways, not gonna spoil the whole book for the probably 1/3 of a human that will take my recommendation who also reads this thread
Have a good week h0m135
Anyways, this is gonna be my last week off and gonna try to make the most of it. To do:
-Gym 4x
-Float session
-1-2 Hikes/Nature walks
-Finish this book I've been reading
-Go to live tournament on the weekend
-Maaaaaaybe play 1 online session to make sure I'm sharp
Btw reading this really good book that Olivier Busquet recommended on twitter (I think it was him). I'll confirm the name of the book tomorrow as this weed has been shackled to my couch atm. It's all about depression/the rise of depression and the factors that this guy has came up with which he believes cause it. I'm only about half-way through it but have really found some key points. A lot of my thoughts in the past few years have wandered towards understanding depression/why it's been increasing and this book definitely represents some of the theories I've had. I really believe happiness and the way our world has progressed have an inverse relationship.
Theory 1/9: This is the first part of the list that he has and all of the causes are in line with "disconnection". Theory 1 is called "Disconnection from meaningful work."
Anyways, not gonna spoil the whole book for the probably 1/3 of a human that will take my recommendation who also reads this thread
Have a good week h0m135
03-26-2019
, 03:09 PM
03-28-2019
, 12:48 AM
Thanks for the feedback man I appreciate it.
1: I don't necessarily agree and I'd be careful about saying "we can't use a sizing". There's plenty of sizings from 1bb-all in that have various exploitative merits. I think I agree on river though given the sizing i used on flop/turn probably isn't getting many hero calls on this type of board texture, probably just value cutting myself for the most part.
3: What's wrong with his sizing? In a multi way pot he shoud be c betting a stronger range/a lot of that range needs protection. Think I agree we can fold flop vs. that sizing as well.
4: Also don't wholely agree and especially when there's a monkey in the BB Mixing probably is fine
I'm rusty af though and can admit I haven't been doing much theory work so I could be completely in left field on this one haha
1: I don't necessarily agree and I'd be careful about saying "we can't use a sizing". There's plenty of sizings from 1bb-all in that have various exploitative merits. I think I agree on river though given the sizing i used on flop/turn probably isn't getting many hero calls on this type of board texture, probably just value cutting myself for the most part.
3: What's wrong with his sizing? In a multi way pot he shoud be c betting a stronger range/a lot of that range needs protection. Think I agree we can fold flop vs. that sizing as well.
4: Also don't wholely agree and especially when there's a monkey in the BB
Mixing probably is fineI'm rusty af though and can admit I haven't been doing much theory work so I could be completely in left field on this one haha
03-28-2019
, 01:29 AM
I was randomly clicking through twitter as I often do and saw a book recommended by Dan Coleman. Aside from being a huge fan boy railing his HU hypers when I was ~18 and constantly trying to get him to coach me or something (yes, I know laughable now lmao)...I saw he recommended some book called "Lost Connections-Uncovering the Real Causes of Depression--and the Unexpected Solutions."
I normally just blow off book recommendations and most self-help books seem to be just regurgitating a few points over and over. I've gained the opinion that books like this are really good at trapping guys like me into not actually taking action. However, Dan Coleman is one of the goats of the game and seems to be pretty GTO in terms of life, so I bought the audio book.
Let's just say this is probably a top 3 book for me lifetime in terms of value. The past few years I've always felt like I'm on the brink of understanding depression but everything was just a little bit foggy. This book changed my viewpoints on depression and definitely has led to a paradigm shift.
Anyways, not gonna rave about this book any longer as you can go read it for yourself if you're so inclined If there's any semi-regular+ reader ITT who genuinely wants the book but can't afford it- PM me and I'll get it for you.
-------------------------
It's that time of year where all the BS snow/ice/-30 degree temps. start to taper off and the new season begins to sprout. Not a cloud in the sky today and 9 degree temperature right now feels like 30 degrees after what us Canadians have gotten used to the last 6 months.
You really learn to appreciate a little sunshine after the long dog days of Winter, to the point it would almost feel like a crime to spend the day indoors. People from LA would feel this weather and be like "stay the fk indoors and shut down the schools for this Ice Age".
Was bored so drove home and paid my mom a visit before going for a nice stroll through the Conservation Area near the house I grew up. Normally, the lap I did today would take me 30 minutes but today it took just under 2 hours. Here's why:
https://gyazo.com/d5883bd2c6bcbf459ab2bd457604e1b6
The paths were bombarded with slippery af ice. At first when I walked into the park was gonna turn around then was like nahhh fk it let's see what happens. Long story short it took me 2 hours to do the walk and some downhill parts I slid down on my ass tobboggan. I was sliding out of control down this one steep cliff side and grabbed anything I could to hold myself up: too bad it was a thorn bush.
Falling like an idiot across the ice and getting thorns stuck in my hand was actually quite a therapeutic experience. In a weird way just letting go of everything for a bit by myself in nature and focusing on just navigating myself through the ice ridden forest just allowed me to take the monkey off my back for a few hours.
This park virtually in my back yard when my home turf growing up. When I was little and had a bad day at school I'd walk home through it because I enjoyed the nature and nobody else would be in there ever. When I became a teenager my friends and I would sneak in there at night and steal people's beer from their coolers. We'd get chased around by the park patrol and once or twice the cops. We'd go in there and try to pick up girls who were camping (lol, worked out more times than you would expect, so like twice). We hosted a raging party for our high school friends in there until the cops were called. We built a tree fort one summer where we'd go hang out every day and just think of stupid jobs we could create for ourselves day to day all summer long. This was also the place I came to meditate before day 3 of my biggest score ever. Almost nothing changed. This has always been a place I can go to feel good.
Not that I ever promote stealing and I apologize to the families who were a few beers short when the woke up in the mornings on their holidays...but when you're 15 and stealing beers out of people's coolers it is a Friday night well spent in the summer. One night there was this couple banging in a tent really loudly so we all snuck up on this tent and lifted a corner each and lifted up their tent and before we knew it there was a full blown Miami Vice style chase through the woods. I know it sounds lame and it's kind of embarassing admit all this but: the rush that I felt doing that stuff was almost unparalleled to anything else. Just being stupid kids creating "Navy Seal" like missions for ourselves was some of the most fun I've ever had on Friday nights.
Eventually, we did grow up and stealing beers and picking up tents with people banging in them actually became us in the tents and the new generation of kids stealing our beers. We'd walk through that park as we got older but the only difference is that we were now men. The park rangers stopped us occasionally to ask wtf we were doing in there and we'd tell them "ah our kids are sleeping on Site 32 A so we're just out for a stroll."
Those were some of the best memories of my life and it didn't involve winning a single cent, winning an all in, paying my bills, making a hero call, getting a girl, getting in shape, driving a nice car, getting "likes" on social media...or anything...cell phones for kids were just kinda new at the time and we JUST missed the time where it became standard for kids to have one.
On this walk I was asking myself "what made me feel so good back then?" The answers lie so much deeper than I ever would have thought...
------------------------------------
Really not sure where I was going with this one lol. Maybe one day I can tell a story or two from those days in depth (they get pretty out of line trust me)
PS: Here's a couple pics from the walk today:
https://gyazo.com/668d6069aca78f33d19ebd6d3ad2396b
https://gyazo.com/79a67ed82caedd19f6a36b1ffa35fa66
much love thx for reading!
I normally just blow off book recommendations and most self-help books seem to be just regurgitating a few points over and over. I've gained the opinion that books like this are really good at trapping guys like me into not actually taking action. However, Dan Coleman is one of the goats of the game and seems to be pretty GTO in terms of life, so I bought the audio book.
Let's just say this is probably a top 3 book for me lifetime in terms of value. The past few years I've always felt like I'm on the brink of understanding depression but everything was just a little bit foggy. This book changed my viewpoints on depression and definitely has led to a paradigm shift.
Anyways, not gonna rave about this book any longer as you can go read it for yourself if you're so inclined
If there's any semi-regular+ reader ITT who genuinely wants the book but can't afford it- PM me and I'll get it for you.-------------------------
It's that time of year where all the BS snow/ice/-30 degree temps. start to taper off and the new season begins to sprout. Not a cloud in the sky today and 9 degree temperature right now feels like 30 degrees after what us Canadians have gotten used to the last 6 months.
You really learn to appreciate a little sunshine after the long dog days of Winter, to the point it would almost feel like a crime to spend the day indoors. People from LA would feel this weather and be like "stay the fk indoors and shut down the schools for this Ice Age".
Was bored so drove home and paid my mom a visit before going for a nice stroll through the Conservation Area near the house I grew up. Normally, the lap I did today would take me 30 minutes but today it took just under 2 hours. Here's why:
https://gyazo.com/d5883bd2c6bcbf459ab2bd457604e1b6
The paths were bombarded with slippery af ice. At first when I walked into the park was gonna turn around then was like nahhh fk it let's see what happens. Long story short it took me 2 hours to do the walk and some downhill parts I slid down on my ass tobboggan. I was sliding out of control down this one steep cliff side and grabbed anything I could to hold myself up: too bad it was a thorn bush.
Falling like an idiot across the ice and getting thorns stuck in my hand was actually quite a therapeutic experience. In a weird way just letting go of everything for a bit by myself in nature and focusing on just navigating myself through the ice ridden forest just allowed me to take the monkey off my back for a few hours.
This park virtually in my back yard when my home turf growing up. When I was little and had a bad day at school I'd walk home through it because I enjoyed the nature and nobody else would be in there ever. When I became a teenager my friends and I would sneak in there at night and steal people's beer from their coolers. We'd get chased around by the park patrol and once or twice the cops. We'd go in there and try to pick up girls who were camping (lol, worked out more times than you would expect, so like twice). We hosted a raging party for our high school friends in there until the cops were called. We built a tree fort one summer where we'd go hang out every day and just think of stupid jobs we could create for ourselves day to day all summer long. This was also the place I came to meditate before day 3 of my biggest score ever. Almost nothing changed. This has always been a place I can go to feel good.
Not that I ever promote stealing and I apologize to the families who were a few beers short when the woke up in the mornings on their holidays...but when you're 15 and stealing beers out of people's coolers it is a Friday night well spent in the summer. One night there was this couple banging in a tent really loudly so we all snuck up on this tent and lifted a corner each and lifted up their tent and before we knew it there was a full blown Miami Vice style chase through the woods. I know it sounds lame and it's kind of embarassing admit all this but: the rush that I felt doing that stuff was almost unparalleled to anything else. Just being stupid kids creating "Navy Seal" like missions for ourselves was some of the most fun I've ever had on Friday nights.
Eventually, we did grow up and stealing beers and picking up tents with people banging in them actually became us in the tents and the new generation of kids stealing our beers. We'd walk through that park as we got older but the only difference is that we were now men. The park rangers stopped us occasionally to ask wtf we were doing in there and we'd tell them "ah our kids are sleeping on Site 32 A so we're just out for a stroll."
Those were some of the best memories of my life and it didn't involve winning a single cent, winning an all in, paying my bills, making a hero call, getting a girl, getting in shape, driving a nice car, getting "likes" on social media...or anything...cell phones for kids were just kinda new at the time and we JUST missed the time where it became standard for kids to have one.
On this walk I was asking myself "what made me feel so good back then?" The answers lie so much deeper than I ever would have thought...
------------------------------------
Really not sure where I was going with this one lol. Maybe one day I can tell a story or two from those days in depth (they get pretty out of line trust me
) PS: Here's a couple pics from the walk today:
https://gyazo.com/668d6069aca78f33d19ebd6d3ad2396b
https://gyazo.com/79a67ed82caedd19f6a36b1ffa35fa66
much love thx for reading!
03-31-2019
, 12:32 AM
03-31-2019
, 09:24 AM
04-02-2019
, 01:22 AM
Seems like a long time since I went for a McDonald's late night drive-thru binge session. Had a nice goal last month to hit gym 16x and only have 4 cheat days for the month. Although diet was not 100% where it should be was definitely a very productive month and my month at the gym was maybe my best yet. Getting some nice compliments from people that haven't seen me in a few weeks saying I'm looking way more fit which is nice to hear...
Still doesn't make me feel great about ramming through the Mickey D's drive thru at half past 12 PM to order a couple McDoubles. That food is just complete poison and every logical cell in my body knows it. Wish I could just not be a degenerate 99% of the time. Just because this bet was now closed March 31st for some reason I told myself this was acceptable behaviour lol.
----------------
Made a comeback to the regular grind the other day and it's been pretty fkn withered so far. Running like absolute aids (on Stars especially) and it genuinely feels almost impossible to get any type of run going on there. I'll be the first to admit I've gotten lazy with poker study last year or two and I have to be honest in admitting the passion isn't the same as it used to be. Hate to blame external factors for my pitfalls but Amaya has made the games pretty fkn depressing and just seeing these stupid chests/changes every day almost puts me on tilt even just logging into the client. Have been multi siting more than I ever have in my career but that needs to ramp up even further. Now more than ever I think my volume should be like ~40% party, 30% stars, 30% other sites. (That's a goal for April btw).
My sister is moving out of my spare room (old office) in about 1 week which will give me some time to get the standing desk installed and make the set up ergonomically/visually friendly for SCOOP season. Time to buckle down and get my ass into gear with a heap of study this month and get in the proper head space. Probably gonna be my last full SCOOP series so would love to make the most of it and get a title under my belt. When I get my office all set up I'll post a few pics of my place/grind set up so stay tuned
------------
Vegas: Probably dropped the ball on this for yet another year by leaving this to the relative last minute...BUT...I do want to try and grind a big schedule this year. I also want to get a house with some friends off the strip that has a pool and what not. Living out of hotels and playing poker all day just gets straight up depressing after a few days and especially if you are there basically by yourself. Anyone have any suggestions or references to GTO places please let me know.
I'll probably just put this off even further and end up staying @ the RIO/stratosphere/gold coast like I always end up doing and leave after 2 weeks because of burnout
------------------
So ermmm apologies if this post was a erring a bit on the negative side and kinda all over the place. Just wanted to summarize and post where I'm at. Haven't had a lot of time for this thread lately because I've somehow adopted the internal belief that Red Dead Redemption is like a chore now and it's become this self fulfilling prophecy that I need to beat the game. On a more efficient note: have been busy with gym, reading, float tank, girl stuff etc etc.
I'll close this out with a few articles I've found to be of interest or value in the last few days...enjoy
https://problog.partypoker.com/2019/03/im-tired.html
^great post and I agree/have similar thoughts to all that stuff.
https://www.theplayerstribune.com/en...o-kart-tattoos
https://bitbcash.com/2019/03/30/the-...olver-in-2019/
Still doesn't make me feel great about ramming through the Mickey D's drive thru at half past 12 PM to order a couple McDoubles. That food is just complete poison and every logical cell in my body knows it. Wish I could just not be a degenerate 99% of the time. Just because this bet was now closed March 31st for some reason I told myself this was acceptable behaviour lol.
----------------
Made a comeback to the regular grind the other day and it's been pretty fkn withered so far. Running like absolute aids (on Stars especially) and it genuinely feels almost impossible to get any type of run going on there. I'll be the first to admit I've gotten lazy with poker study last year or two and I have to be honest in admitting the passion isn't the same as it used to be. Hate to blame external factors for my pitfalls but Amaya has made the games pretty fkn depressing and just seeing these stupid chests/changes every day almost puts me on tilt even just logging into the client. Have been multi siting more than I ever have in my career but that needs to ramp up even further. Now more than ever I think my volume should be like ~40% party, 30% stars, 30% other sites. (That's a goal for April btw).
My sister is moving out of my spare room (old office) in about 1 week which will give me some time to get the standing desk installed and make the set up ergonomically/visually friendly for SCOOP season. Time to buckle down and get my ass into gear with a heap of study this month and get in the proper head space. Probably gonna be my last full SCOOP series so would love to make the most of it and get a title under my belt. When I get my office all set up I'll post a few pics of my place/grind set up so stay tuned
------------
Vegas: Probably dropped the ball on this for yet another year by leaving this to the relative last minute...BUT...I do want to try and grind a big schedule this year. I also want to get a house with some friends off the strip that has a pool and what not. Living out of hotels and playing poker all day just gets straight up depressing after a few days and especially if you are there basically by yourself. Anyone have any suggestions or references to GTO places please let me know.
I'll probably just put this off even further and end up staying @ the RIO/stratosphere/gold coast like I always end up doing and leave after 2 weeks because of burnout
------------------
So ermmm apologies if this post was a erring a bit on the negative side and kinda all over the place. Just wanted to summarize and post where I'm at. Haven't had a lot of time for this thread lately because I've somehow adopted the internal belief that Red Dead Redemption is like a chore now and it's become this self fulfilling prophecy that I need to beat the game. On a more efficient note: have been busy with gym, reading, float tank, girl stuff etc etc.
I'll close this out with a few articles I've found to be of interest or value in the last few days...enjoy
https://problog.partypoker.com/2019/03/im-tired.html
^great post and I agree/have similar thoughts to all that stuff.
https://www.theplayerstribune.com/en...o-kart-tattoos
https://bitbcash.com/2019/03/30/the-...olver-in-2019/