AGHHH had a social anxiety episode today where I was inspecting some blueberries at the store. I perceived someone judging me for nitpicking which ones I wanted (because that means someone else is gonna end up with the ****tier blueberries). I got nervous and just put the blueberries into my cart (they were fine but normally I would look for better). By the time I realized she didn't care, she had already started meticulously inspecting a box of blueberries and I had already started walking and then started thinking it would have been weird to stop and be like "ah OK I didn't wanna be the first person to do that", LOL /sigh
So yeah, I would say this episode highlighted 3 manifestations of anxiety that I'm trying to improve upon:
1) panicking that you are doing something wrong when you are not
2) imagining others are thinking about you when they aren't
3) caring at all what a complete stranger you will never see again is thinking
These blueberries are seriously underwhelming though. Thank god for all the suckers out there who let me swipe the S tier ones, and everything has a happy ending because I'll appreciate them even more after this incident
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rin-Inky
It does strike me that you overestimate happiness a lot; perhaps your optimism sometimes lets you down; you keep saying you're top x% of happiness all the time and you talk like it too, but as a friend I say that you don't seem that way. Like, I think you focus so much on the good things and so little on the bad things, you seem happier than you think, and because other people have more outlets for expressing anxiety and sadness, they seem more sad to you than they are, so you think yourself as happier than reality.
Like in some ways, especially superficial ones, you're way more positive than most of my friends, but for quite a while, like, you recall me recommending a therapist quite a bit earlier than even when you started saying that you're quite depressed, and it's not omniscience or anything on my part (in fact M had noticed this also despite not knowing you super well). I think you're just used to using a specific set of cues for figuring out happiness vs sadness, but that doesn't always apply, especially for someone who's gotten very used to bending the rules around it and forces (it seems like) happiness on oneself.
I wonder if it seems weird to you that I indulge in sad thoughts and negativity so much, and I do do it too much, but sometimes being sad can be very therapeutic and let you become happier in the long run.
I might be over theorising at this point, but I wonder if this long-term unsustainable way of approaching mental health and personal wellbeing/happiness, the lack of outlet for negativity, is the cause of this mental downswing, because as you can see, despite some poker run bad, there's no shortage of good stuff happening during this period too. And like, there's some rough stuff in there, but there was also some rough stuff in the earlier years where you had felt better about poker, but that stuff didn't cause you to careen off.
So I briefly addressed this 4 days ago, but wanted to talk about it more- didn't have the right words to say at the time. So, was this episode kind of a superficial way to make myself happy from a "bad" thing, for getting inferior blueberries (and also for letting myself freak out about what a stranger was thinking about me) by saying the result was good? What is "superficial happiness"? I mean, like I genuinely feel happy. Is this costing me something? maybe it's like hiding smaller issues and letting them fester within a house of cards, I don't know
Another thing that I've been wondering: is it possible to feel happy when you win in poker, yet at the same time, not feel unhappy when you lose? Or is it more zero sum in that specific scenario? I'm not really sure what the answer is. But either way, something I realized was noticing a lot of the streamers who are actually gods at fighting variance seem visibly wounded when they lose a flip, something that live players always played down because IDK, a bunch of reasons: 1) it can be bad etiquette to celebrate someone else's pain, 2) live is often a masculine environment and no one wants to seem weak by revealing that they, in fact, have feelings, or 3) they don't want to reveal that they are tilting until they showdown J7s after 3betting from UTG+1 next hand because it's more fun that way
So perhaps I should try to channel more of my emotional energy into short term excitement/pain, which is not something I've consciously attempted before. Of course I don't know if this is zero sum either (I'm hoping more energy in short term = less energy in long term?), but MAYBE IT MIGHT WORK IDK.
Anyway, I ran good in poker today (won before groceries and lost after, so notably I was still anxious despite being happy) and I also feel like I'm making good progress fixing my life up this month... so I'm happy.