------------ FML --------------

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s5BJXwNeKsQ

Yesterday did surgery teeth, 2hours there, not painful, didn't feel anything, but ofc boring as hell... The worst part is after. Didn't eat anything, watch tv ...

Today is Friday and its a tough day for me. Lost $37k this week, now I have 0 poker roll and $10k debt. Its not the 1st, not the last time this happen, but now its more painful than the others because I can't do anything... When this disaster happens, I do other things, go out, go run, eat nice food... Now I can't go out. I can't smoke. I can't drink. Hell, I can't eat !!!!!! Im starving eating some stupid soup and ice cream... Damn ****ing god I can't go for a run and refresh my mind... running at maximum effort when Im pissed its the best thing ever and after the sensation is the best of the world, clean my mind.

Not being able to eat make watching tv series less enjoyable... Im startving thinking ''Id be eating popcorn now... or a toast. or a chocolate... no, nothing, or this ****** soup . ''

Im doing nothing and just bad thoughts cross my mind and I can't do anything to relax !!!!!! I had bad weekends, this won't be in top 10 worst weekends, but will be a bad one...

I want this weekend just evaporate and I see Monday , will be able to eat decent food, at Tuesday I will play poker, Wednesday Running, Thursday gym, and my pathetic routine that I love is back. By the way, got $10k loan from friend to play poker and $600 from another friend to pay bills... Im back to poker next week.

One good thing that cross my mind is: Few months ago I was scared about getting aids... if someone told me ''in 11th May you will have $10,6k in your pocket, debt $20k and won't be able to eat or do anything for 5days. But for 100% sure you will be healthy'' Id be the happiest guy in the planet !!!!!!

Another good thing: suffering a little like I am now its bad, off course it is, but the other side is good: make me enjoy the little things !!! Next time I run or gym I will be so happy !!! Since Im at home now without anything to do, Im like ''damn, I REALLY want play poker !!!!" ... next time I play poker I will enjoy a lot !!! As I always enjoy, but even more !! Next time I eat pasta, pizza, or even rice... I will love it !

You write this exatcly after I write how I lost a lot and ****ed again hahaha

------------ The Plan -------------

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QeM1fRcqWl8

Im doing plans to get back on track and have 0 dets as fast as possible. The disaster last week was sick, but not that bad...

debts:

- $375 G1
- $700 P1
- $10k P2
- $10k F

Poker roll $10k
Life roll $500 (actually $1,5k life roll right now, but will have to pay teeth + watch next week).

My plan is play 200k hands until end of June and I expect to win $30k. Paying $22k (21k + fee), I will have $14k in my hands ($8k left from the winning + $10k I have now but I use $2k per month to live.).

I think its safe to say I will make around $30k . And thinking about running really bad, I don't think its possible to me make less than $20k (if I only play poker). Last 8 months I average 99,5k hands per month with $14,6k per month. Thats enough sample size to say I can expect $15k per month and thinking if I ran terrible, $10k per month. But never know, poker variance is crazy, maybe I lose money ... being humble and realisct, because stupid things happens !

At this moment I just want leave the bustoland and pay my debts... If I make $20k and arrive in June with $8k roll 0 debts its good.

Theres one thing... Im not used to play 200k hands in 6 weeks, and this will make me play worse. But I will try my best. 60k hands in May and 140k hands in June. 10 days in May Starting day 15 Tuesday. June 23 days, 6k hands per day in both months. Machine mode. The locomotive is back !!!

After this exhausting 6 weeks I see what I do.

ps: Already 48hrs after teeth surgery... still a bit swollen , but ok. Still not eating, only soup and ice cream fml. still doing nothing... just going to drive around listening music and watch tv. Will enjoy so much when this ends... Thursday I guess.

I just read this whole thread tonight and now its 1am! Towards the end I was certain that you crash as soon as you had managed to pay back all your debts, and sure enough the minute you had it all paid off you were back in the hole $30K. Its a classic cycle and I don't think you want to get out of it. Im so sorry to read about your demons, and I wish you well.
I would send this thread to a movie company and have your most recent post be the final scene!

lol nice, it seems nobody reads what I write. But I like writing feels good.

Everyone knew I was going to crash at old habits... Maybe it was obvious, maybe I was blind and didn't pay attention.

If this thread is a movie, this is half of the movie, that part where hero colapse and seems its going to be a bad end, but just like a hero he makes an epic comeback and finish as the king.

Talking about movie, yesterday I saw Men of Honor, its about the 1st black guy in USA marine, based on a real history Carl Brasher. idk if its all true or they put sugar, but its truly inspiring history. It happenned 70 years ago when USA was a **** country full of racism. After he achieve everything, he lost a leg during a mission... and then he became the 1st guy in USA marine with one leg. Not only that, he became Master Chief, the highest status he could be with 1 leg. To him, doesn't matter what happens, he always tried his best, even when he got unlucky or when dumb people was trying **** him. Got knocked, whatever, keep going !

Im trying to remember that... But all bad things that happenned to him wasn't his fault, he was always doing his best. For me, Im (was ???? ) always doing the worst possible, not trying to fight... not only in poker, overall in life too. Yes I got very unlucky in some stuff, but if I was making my best, Id be in a lot better position. Trying to forgive myself for mistakes (not only in poker, but in life too) is hard. It gives me peace the fact Im alive and only 30... avici killed himself. amy winehouse dead overdose... I did tons of huge mistakes, but hey, I managed to keep alive. thats good. thats pretty important. Yes I could be doing better, but could be worst too.

Men of Honor has Robert de Niro as Billy Sunday, Master chief Marine who ****ed his carrer getting drunk and getting into wrong fights over and over again... thats me lol.

---------

As for my teeth, it looks ugly, purple, hopefully its only standard scars healing. Not hurting, I stop taking pain meds and today I finally had eat for 1st time since Friday.... I think its going ok. On Thursday I will know for sure, but Im almost sure its ok.

I still can't run or gym, and not eat normal... probably on Thursday I will be able to do everything. Tomorrow Monday I will start playing poker again... $10k loan from friend arrives !

He told me last week he would send me whenever I want, today I message him, he said ''ok, but lets wait 1 more day. I know you''. I was calm, and as I said here, my plan is 100% poker until pay debts. Yes Id play poker, but Id make 3 bets... 1k at random euro basket game, 1k at handball challenge cup and maybe 2k at Cavaliers @ Celtics. All 3 bets looks sure bets, especially NBA game, but all of them failed hahahaha NBA Cavaliers didn't have a chance in any single minute of the game, destroyed !! And now, without touching money, Im felling I just won $4k up. This helps to heal my mental scars from past losing gambling session...

Im very motivated to play poker. Tomorrow chips arrive and Im going to only play poker, no casino, no sportbets. Theres GS Warriors @ Houston tmorrow night and in my opinion GSW will eat houston, but lol, what happenned today shows me how Im clueless about this stuff. ONLY POKER !!!! I told my degen friends do NOT message me during games, even if its the best game ever, Im out ! If I only play poker, soon I will be playing as a regular 25 50, 50 100. Its not that hard.

-------------------- The 200k run -------------------

200k hands until end of June. 60k hands may, 140 in June. Never played so many hands in 6 weeks, will be my personal record ! Because Im stupid and need strait jacket, I will be writing and reviewing every session during this 200k hands.

Just a quick recap:

- Starting Roll $9,6k , stakes $100 and $200.

- 200k hands until end of June.

- Expect to win between $20-$30k. Anything is possible, but less than $20k I will be very very frustrated.

Original plan was start on Tuesday day 15th May, but Im happy and motivated, so starting tomorrow Monday 14th May. Im hungry all time because teeth surgery, and changed a bit my sleep schedule, Im not going to play like a machine in the 1st days... goal is just play and have fun playing poker, machine mode starts Friday !!!

He Imme,

Don't know your first name, but if I can give you an advice it is to not set goals to pay off debts and stuff, but more use it for something that makes you grow as a person. So instead of focusing on paying off your debt immediately, just pay half off your debts and reserver the other half for something that makes you widen your life and the person you are (you mentioned liking writing maybe you can use it for obtaining a college degree in creative writing or you can use it to take a positive, understanding family member out for a nice vacation or like going on a sports vacation if you enjoy running+nature). I think in order to break through this cycle you have to put your money where your passion and your personal growth potential is. You have to use the additional money to progress yourself, not your degen friends or whatever type of human low life you call these people. These people are not your friends, once you stop gambling/needing debs, they're gonna be gone in a heartbeat and looking to scoop interest from some other weak addictive person. Plan to progress, not to repeat.

Thanks for your advice, its pretty solid, I agree with almost everything you said. But...

I prefer paying debts fast instead paying half and using other half to enjoy myself: I feel bad having debts with other people... they say I can pay whenever I have money, but its really not nice owe money to others, I prefer end this chapter as fast as possible and later go travel use money etc. Also, theres month % fee on this debts.

What hurts a lot in the last big losing gambling session (last week, that put me back in the hole) is that I was ready to cashout $20k to go travel and do what you said... and boooom, burned everything . pretty sick.

About friends: You are right about half of those guys, but I owe money to diferent people... half of them are rats who only want my money, but theres few guys who really try help me.

----------- Vruummmm Vruummmmmm Loco... -------

Poker Session Review

the 1st session after a colapse is always a tough one . Playing for $100, $400 pots while I still remember the roulete going for $10k ... ''will have to swmin forever to get out ''... Also I start with very short life roll at $11k playing $150 avg buy in with $2k / month bills. So ya , not a good situation... But after some time I remember Im the boss and started crushing and felling at home... kinda sad felling at home at this busto stakes, but whatever.

- skill game. 7/10. strong. Played solid.

- mental game. 2/10. weak. As I said above, I still had scars from going busto, bad things crossing my mind and I did 1 or 2 3bets semi tilting... I lost $1k in 10min twice in pathetic situations that shows how weak my mindset is at this moment. Its very important to me try my best and be strong right now is key moment, but it helps a lot if run good when Im starting this bankroll to remove scars and heal my brain .

Plus my teeth still annoying a bit... doesn't hurt, but its annoying felling weird there. Also has to take meds to recover faster and taking this meds while playing is annoying and a small reason why Im weak mindset today. and on top of that I can't do any sports... running and gym really clean my mind, but have to wait Thursday ****ing teeth .........

- imaginary results: won $500-$1,5k
- total results: 8hours (!), 6,9k hands played, won $1,6k, AIEV + $1,1k.

Very decent 1st session... 53k hands left this month. vrum vrum turn on the engine !

paid G1 $375.

now debts are

$700 P1
$10k P2
$10k F.

by the way, Im ridiculous... Im complaning about a teeth... yes its annoying but hell I could have a big disease , its just a teeth !

Read all the blog... And seems you are wasting talent bro... You seem to be a very sólido player! Maybe you need a stronger mindset and more discipline... How good your life could be if you just grind with bankroll management, with clean head... You could be a crusher.
Wish you all the best

Damn that was a sick read. Makes the Degen Stories thread in BBV look like a Kindergartenparty.

What I don't understand as a person with degen tendencies myself. When you feel like putting more money on the line, why don't you just play higher stakes instead of betting or casino games?

I wish you the best of luck tho.

Do you have link to that thread Degen Stories?

I don't like gambling at poker because you have to think... When I want gamble for big money I don't want think, I don't like gambling and thinking at same time... Im just praying asking for my cards enjoying listening music etc. For me gambling doesn't match with need focus pay attention etc.

I guess its a sick read because I like writing more when Im losing, I come here vent and write my frustrated thoughts... I enjoy a lot gambling at sports and casino, but when things are going well I don't write much about it.

------------- Locomotive -------------

Poker Session Review

Like a machine, 8k hands today. 15k hands in 2 days. Won a lot, now I have a decent bankroll ($14k) to play and not felling pressure.

- skill game. 8/10. Solid, very good .

- mental game. 7/10. Strong. There was one reg who say some stuff on chat when he wins putting me on tilt... Also he isn't that good , but he is agroo... losing to agroo regs who aren't good tilts me !! When Im loisng to very agroo regs who are good, Im like ''ok, he is good''... but losing to bet bet bet regs its tilting...

- imaginary results: won $1,5k
- total results: 9:00 hour, 8,1k hands, won $3k, AIEV + $1,6k.

Very very important running good in this days when Im just starting rebuilding, give confidence and makes me enjoy more the game. Also helps to heal faster from the big loss.

Ah I see, thx for answering.

Here you go:

https://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/5.../index133.html

-------------- ........... -----------

Poker Session REview


- skill game 6/10. Got a bit frustrated in the end, tried force some plays...

- mental game. 7/10. Even being a bit frustrated, I still managed to play ok. I recognized I was prone to get tilted, and could get back from 3/10 mindset to solid 8/10. In the end, 7 is a honest rate.

When I finished session I thought I won $500-$1k, and seeing I went from + $1,3k to - $800 put me on tilt... I ran 1,7k below ev in 2k hands... as I wrote many times here, I hate , but really hate, losing in the end... this put me on rage tilt ! 5 min ago I was really pissed, now Im seeing few hands, I see this could be a day where I get very tilted and do stupid things, but reacted pretty well, even with mistakes, thats a solid evolution.

- results: 7:30hour, 6,5k hands, lost $800, AIEV + $200.

Tomorrow I go to dentist 1st review since surgery... if its everything ok I stop taking meds and can go back to gym / running. This meds are giving me bellyache , its very annoying...

This loss in the end changed my mode... Spent 20minutes staring at nothing thinking ''how I lost so much in the end... '' very pissed.

So I went see HM to check what happenned and WHY I lost... I cehck stats and compare vs other days where I won . (last 2 days) Its exatcly same stats !!! it was just variance... sure because I was running bad I didn't play my very best, but its not like I played bad or I deserve to lose...

Which just shows how weak my mindset is... my new goal is don't let variance change how Im felling.. I played the same today and yesterday. Today lost , yesterday won. I play for a long time and always let variance get the best of me... I will change this. See in few months I can be in a state of mind that whatever results I have, doesn't change my mode.

Long OP, for those who didn’t read, here’s the cliffs:

-------------- What happenned -----------------

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ak8sOWiRO3Y

Last 2 days I won $2,5k gambling... and damn god, it feels great ! Im not saying only because I won money.... amazing. I will gamble forever, I just need learn bankroll stuff and WHEN gamble.
I love it, but theres moments that Im pretty sure I shouldn't gamble...and this are one of those moments. Def not 2k bets when have $15k liferoll and ~21k debts. But mentalwise it was a moment that I need gambling to recover my mindset, to stop thinking I was the unluckiest ever. Works fine when works . I promissed that if I win $1,5k Id stop gambling until I have a decent roll... no numbers, just enought to play 2/5. But Idk why I say this stuff, when I already knows myself lol. But will try keep this in mind and jsut gamble after I build a very solid roll. Won $1,5k more than my plan.

I cashout $4,5k and now I have $6,5k in the bank , enough for 8-10 weaks, felling confortable moneywise. And $11,5k poker roll, almost impossible go broke if I only play poker... and now I don't need cashout anything, just need win $20k and Im done with all debts (again).

-------------

I went back to dentist, she said scars are healing ok and I stop taking meds. Still can't eat 100% normal (food can't touch left side), its slow, but at least can eat everything .

Im happy because already can go back to sports, drink, whatever I want, normal life. I still have to go 4-5 sessions there to rebuild everything, a bit annoying, but the worst part is done and can do everything while rebuild what need to do.

Why you so stupid ? Why write something that has nothing to do with this blog ? Why you think about dicks when we are talking about poker, gambling, casino etc... I never wrote about my dick here...

you sure about that? You’re the one who said it, I just quoted it.

NEW GOALS

I changed my mind. Won't go for huge amoung of hands, will keep doing what I was doing, it was working very good : 100k hands per month. And for this month, its 50k hands since day 13th , total hands would be around 70k, but Im only counting since day 13th because its when I started my new bankroll.

Going for 200k hands until end of June its possible, but I might not enjoy . I started with that idea becuase I wanted recover fast from my gambling loss, but its better going like I was doing before

I re-read OP and you are right, I forgot that. Was too pissed and was just venting... its true, its small.

-------------- Lucky Clown -------------

Poker Session Review

Tilting day... tilting hard ! It was one of those days that I deserve go broke. Its days like this that make me feel a relief for being broke... one part of me thinks its sad a player like me playing 1/2 0.5/1 and Im pissed ''I could be doing better'', but days like this, tells me ''you are where you deserve'' and this give me peace .

- skill game. 1.5/10. 70% of the time I was playing a solid game, but got tilted and started playing really bad.

- mental game. 0/10. Pathetic... played bad, raising trash ds looking for gamble spots haha.

There was a weird time that during 30-40min not many tables was running, and when I thought would be a dry day, suddenly many tables started running. Lack of action, 4-5tabling, slow action, not patience from me, leads me to play higher and get tilted.

- results : 7hour, 4,5k hands, won $250, AIEV + $2k . AIEV is high today, but its wrong, I admit I played bad and got lucky... I deserve lose a lot today.

Hope I got better mindset for the next sessions... gambling is alowed, but NOT when losing. Now my account is limited only play up to 1/2, no more 2/4 shots with 30buy ins roll.

Often I complaing about bad luck...

Im running great past 3-4 days and have won $6,2k with risk of ruin around 99% . got the 1%.

Now I will reset my mind and comeback playing the best possible, even under the storm.

------------- Col... ------------------

Poker Session Review

- skill game. 7/10. Played solid, good lines.

- mental game. 10/10. It was very very tilting session... tons of fishs, one special fish 3betting 50% put my tilt level at peak, but I managed that well , reaction solid. Proud of myself today, nice that I turn around things... last 2-3 days I was in a gambling/tilting wave, today was a really tough test because I ran TERRIBLE in great games. At worst point I was losing $3k... and finished ''only'' - $1,3k. playing great .

- results: 9:00hour, 8,1k hands, lost $1,3k, AIEV + $100. Lots of good tables with big fishs, 9hour session, could have been a big day... Im a bit frustrated right now, but if I always play like I play today, if I always react to bizarre stuff like today, I will get rich.

Today I lost $1,3k with AIEV + $130 and I think I played very good with strong mindset. Yesterday I played very bad with terrible mindset and won $250 with $2k AIEV lol. This game is ridiculous, have to just focus on play the best possible and hope to lose, because thats what happens very often.

I did changed small things in my game... cbetting more, a bit more tight pf in multiway pots ... I really like how I played today. Im a bit