After writing this post above, I went to site to see the results for the 1st time today... Get ready (mental wise) myself, make the plan A, B, take a deep breath, think about many things, imagine what I do if its negative, what I do if its positive (!!! FKC !!!).....

aaaaaaand

-------------- Waiting.............. -----------

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o99_fJ2O9AM

Not sure what ''slow ride'' means, but I love this song and in my bad english mind it says ''slow stuff''... thats resume my day. Still waiting for the hiv results... still wake up.... came here to write .

Hospital said results would be avaliable until Monday, but I was sure would be avaliable online at afternoon... now already 2am and nothing... I did 4 test: b12 vitamin, syphilis, hepatitis c and hiv. My organism can't absorve enough b12 from food, so once in a while I take b12 injection. Its not a big deal, some professional athletes also has this problem, nobody loses perforamance... I test this 2-3x per year. b12 and sphilis results are already avaliable and all good... thats how I run at life and poker: easy wins at small things... but at most important things (or biggest pots)........ I swear to myself, if good hiv hep c result, Im never crying again , for whatever reason, will be happy forever !! (until lose the 1st AKK vs AA co vs btn).....

Im starting to get a bit scared because my 1st hiv test result was avaliable in 4hours... and now 12hours later, nothing... Thinking rationally: 1st hiv test was 1st week of January, hospital was empty. Today hospital was full, very busy. Hospital says result will be avaliable until Monday, its still Saturday.... and at least until now, its not a positive result !! thinking with my heart: **** **** ****, off course I have hiv... off course its positive and its slower because hiv positive has another protocol ... idk why I write this stuff, nobody reads this patehtic rant posts... I just venting writing to me what I already knows... damn can't sleep.

I can't count how many times I enter the hospital site to see my results... the password they gave me has tons of random numbers/letters and I already memorized lol. Im trying don't think much about this... but jesus, its been 3months waiting for this day. and heavy thinking this since Thursday... I went out and couldn't drink because hospital said no alcohol 24hour before test... so since Thursday Im living this anxiety...

To be honest, syphilis negative result gave me a bit more confidence, because if she was a ultra mega blaster dirty whore slut, I guess Id got one disease... I tested all sexual disease that exist and all negative... maybe she was a respectable whore I don't remember much... I guess its less chances getting ONLY hiv... but what I know, just wondering.

At least, didn't lost all day thinking about this... went to gym and run. As I said, Im enjoying gym... never thought Id like it. But today was a total mess... during workout all I could think was about test result... After gym went run... almost didn't run... it was raining , waiting results ... but I went. My plan was 5km below 30minutes.

But today, no, impossible... very tired from legs day on Wednesday and tired lower back from Thursday... I noticed at 250meters that wouldn't be a ''fast'' run, but tried push too far to see how its going, and after 1km I was on pace to finish below 30min, but it was obvious I couldn't, lower back legs too sore... I slow down a lot, and finished 5km in 33:40. Didn't feel THAT tired after all, because nowadays 5km 33:40 isn't hard for me anymore.

After running I didn't feel satisfied... felt I could have done better, even felling sore body.. that ****ing results waiting all my mind, also thinking a lot ''stop running today, just run 3km, you too tired... '' then ''stop at 4km, you too tired...'' but later I realized it was a very solid running training and felt good: wasn't my best, but I ran all planned distance and won the battle vs my mind.

IF hiv result is good, my plan is gym legs Saturday, rest Sunday, gym chest/arms and easy recovery 3km run on Monday and 5km below 30min on Tuesday !!!!

I was thinking about promise something in case hiv is good result... 1st comes to my mind is never go to strip clubs again, but its too dumb and when drunk Im sure I wouldn't honor my word. Thought about running 5km below 30min, but at this point it seems ''easy''. After I wrote this, I just realized, its not that easy, at least not for me.... so ya, if hiv negative result, its oficial: On my next 5km run (Tuesday), I will run below 30min or die trying. I also thought about promise 200k hands in one month... reading that ****** dude who donate his money at 200/400, he played 260k hands in 1 month. But for me, 120k hands month is absolute maximum possible. Also I want enjoy playing poker. Crossed my mind betting $5k sportbets, or taking a 5k shot at 2/5zoom ... idk what I will do. Proabbly just going to the most expensive strip club in my town... girls there are more clean than me, lol. And the 5km run below 30min on Tuesday.

----------------- Alive -----------

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zUQiUFZ5RDw

Got health results in the morning, all good NICE ! Went to gym very happy, but when arrived there, I was felling my right knee sore... same from last week... I think its because cycling + running + leg workout . I will take 10 days break from any legs workout/gym/cycling to recover my knes... so no 5km below 30min next week... Im back running and legs workout day 12 March. meanwhile will keep going gym to other everything but legs.

Waste time going to gym, just to comeback... so went for a haircut, place was full , and I leave... this would be enough to put me on tilt on normal day, but since my health test, its all good and always happy !!!

Poker Session Review

- skill 5/10. Didn't like how I played... auto piloting... said a while ago, have to repeat: stop 24tabling !!! 20 is good.. the problem is, game is VERY easy, I play online for very long time and its the easiest field I have ever see... its winning strategy play abc previsible because with so many fishs any weak player will win, but this makes me too vunerable... overall, I don't like how I played, but didn't make any major mistake.

- mental: 10/10.very happy, will take a while to put me on tilt ... had a bad moment where I lost lots of stacks, and later in the session lost 600bbs pot going drawing dead to river which hurts me too.. but keep going .

- imaginary results: even or maybe won $500 at maximum.
- total results: 7:28hour, 8,2k hands, lost $860, AIEV + $2,5k. sick run... and to be honest, with 4 fishs per table, $2,5k ev isn't that good...

Almost 50k hands breakeven at this moment... disapointed... especially because most games I have 5 fishs per table and I can't win.

------------ Grinding ----------

POker Session Review

- skill game: 7/10. Like how I played today !

- mental 10/10. Lost huge pot, 1000bbs... this made me feel bad and lost focus for a while, but review this hand 3-4times while playing and pretty sure I played well.

- imaginary results: even I guess
- total results: 5:25hour, 5,7k hands, won $450, AIEV $500.

Already 14k hands this month and already frustrated with results... not unhappy, since health results Im always happy, but ya frustrated with poker resuls... games very easy, tons of fishs, I could be winning a LOT if wasn't for this bad run... at least Im running bad and not losing...

That said, today was important to book a win because bankroll was $8,3k, if I had a bad session, down to $6k, hard to keep playing 1/2... now with + $500 and chests (lol) I have $9k... more solid roll... Another small good news is I booked 2nd winning EV session at 1/2.... it was 8 (!!!!!!!!!!!) sessions in a row negative ev at 1/2... I guess 1st time in my life that happens...

Im looking to a decent run so I can't stop being poor/always underolled... need $20k to this happen... I expect to achieve this by end of April, maybe middle of April if I run ok. $20k means $12,5k to pay last debt, $6k add to my roll and have $15k roll and $1,5k to cashout and use for normal day to day stuff. I need buy some clothes... basic stuff like underwear , t shirt.

What is your bb/100 in $1/2 since you started the thread? just wondering.
Best of luck imme!

6bb.

----------- Breathless -----------

Finally Im being able to wake up before 12pm... after a decade not sleeping well, sometiems staying up for 30, 36hours in a row, and going to bed stone all days... my body wasn't adjusted to sleep 16hours wake up and sleep 8, or 17-7... I play cards for a living, no boss, my days had 30hours, sometimes 40hours... it was a long road . At this moment It feels like being a kid, having to learn this basic stuff hahaha. but Im loving it, like I re-born again !!

.....

Very important session today... its been around 50k hands since I don't win (3 weeks) and given my extreme underolled condition and almost busted in real life, I ''have'' to make money. Today I woke up with $600 in my bank (cousin owe me $130,will pay tomorrow ) and $8,9k roll, felling pressure on my back, not breathing well !!! But then I remember: this stakes are full of fishs, patehtic regs, poker is crazy game, variance bla bla... what hit me was having 8 losing EV sessions in a row at 1/2 !!!! EIGHT !!!! But still, its just variance... By the way, Im not tired to say: whatever happens at poker, poor or very poor, whatever, Im very happy especially after health test, nothing makes me pissed anymore !

Felling pressure, so lets do my best ! I focus maximum I could and tried my very best today... worked well.

Poker Session Review

- skill game : 8,5/10. Solid, no stupid bluffs, no ridiulous calls, just solid.

Did two big bluffs, but it was good plays... one got called, other not . I should stop bluffing vs some guys who saw me bluffing a lot in last month.

- mental game: 8/10. Solid, strong.

- imaginary results : lost around $500-$1k. Because being very underolled, every all in I lost hit me like a truck... lol .
- total results: 4:08hours, 3,5k hands played, won $1k, AIEV + $1,4k.

Only 17k hands this month, 8k hands below pace . winning $600, AIEV +4,4k.

Today I skip gym legs workout... Im resting my legs for 10 days to re-start running at my best shape. Its fun realizing I wanted go to the gym... doesn't seems me...

------------- Strong -----------

Another grinding day...

Poker Session Review:

- skill game: 7/10.

- mental game: 9/10. I was very strong today. Being killed, being destroyed right and left and I keep playing a decent game... I couldn't play my very best during the peak of the bad run, but was playing ok. 10/10 would be someone who doesn't change anything while losing a lot... I might be that guy one day, but not yet..

- imagine results: lost $1k. I was destroyed at 1/2 but killed at 0.5/1.
- total results: 5:31 hour, 5,2k hands, won (!!!) $300, AIEV + $1,2k.

Sessions like today make me feel very confident. being destroyed and managed to win !

I spent some money last days... now liferoll is $120 that I have in my wallet. 0 at bank. $10k roll poker... its all my money. Will cashout $1k on Monday, so bankroll is only $9,3k... this makes every bad beat hurts more . Im so broke that I have to open every chest .. and when its $50 I celebrate.

Im experiencing an annoying breakeven run, 60k hands... not new, but annoying. Last 2 weeks of february was breakven results , and now this... at 0.5/1 Im killing, but they are killing me at 1/2, so Im breakeven overall... Last 60k hands at 1/2 Im losing -1bb with 2evbb. Terrible evbb, but this doesn't hurt my confidence at all... off course I will feel better if winning, but Im very very confident to play 1/2.

I look at some regs playing style and Im sure I have an edge vs most of them. Sometimes I ask myself "am I really playing well ... Am I sure... '' My results give me confidence (from past year and from January), but what gives me biggest confidence boost is some guys who play 1/2 and above (1/2 is their smallest stake), Im 100% sure Im better than most of them... they are previsible, they aren't that good...

............

Tomorrow will skip legs workout at gym to have my kness 100% on next week. Wish I could go to gym.. actually I could, but I think the wise decision is wait .

Talking about gym... sometimes Im a bit disapointed with results... I mean, Im satisfied, but Im going 6x week for few months and still very far from what I want... make me think could be better... I miss running...

------------- Very Strong -----------

Poker Session Review

- skill game. 7/10.

I did one bluff...I turned set in a bluff... trying to rep backdoor flush ... with 0 blockers. vs a good reg who knows I bluff... Don't need do this... I just did because I was very confident in his bet size tell, which happens to be right, but he ended calling with his mid flush... Idk if it was a bad play or not.

I also played 140 hands at 2/4... which I shouldn't do with less than 30buy ins (counting poker and liferoll) . The thing is: there was one 80% 3bettor player at 1/2, he leave with $2k stack and one player says ''he is at 2/4''. Im not even looking 2/4 lobby nowadays... The table with this guy was already full, but other 2 tables looks very easy with exatcly 1/2 line up, not very good regs, big fishs... I couldn't resist... Lost $1k being crushed at 2/4, nothing working...

Again I played 24tables..... I will insist a bit more and try play faster without paying attention... because my edge is too big at 0.5/1 that I should play maximum tables possible. But I need stop paying attention at details... and just play as fast as possible. not sweating all ins, having to play really fast...

mental game: 9/10. strong, very strong. Even when losing at 2/4, in a game I ''shouldn't'' play, I didn't get even close to tilt.

- imaginary results: even, maybe won $500.
- total results: 7:46 hour, 8,4k hands, won $1,7k, AIEV + $3,1k.

4th winning session in a row, now $1k life roll and $11k poker roll, very very important winning this 4 sessions, was close to poverty, now I can breath...

I did small changes in my game, not calling down too much and a bit more tight on big blind and more agressive in late positions... maybe just coincidence/variance, but my ev winrate this month is good.

---------------- The Locomotive -----------

This is my favorite title and I use when Im running over everything that happens to be in my table.

Poker Session review:

- skill game: 8/10. So many fishs...

- mental game: 7/10. My mental today was perfect, but wasn't tested, ran good all night, so only 7. Today my internet was terrible, losing conection all time, I folded AKKTs pre after 3betting and donated 14bbs and also folded top set on 853ss limped... but I was running so good that it was easy handle with this terrible internet.

- imaginary results: won $3,5k, maybe $4k.
- total results: 5:20hour, 4,4k hands , won $2,9k, AIEV + $1,9k. Started my session late, less tables running during midnight. 1st session Im above ev in March . I guess its the 1st time I imagine better results than oficial results...

Some thoughts:

1) I need see study a bit, Im aware I have some basic leaks (math/equity/theory/solvers), but I guess this leaks are the ''easy'' part to fix ... Also watch some videos, to know what others are doing ... I never see those stuff... Will do that when I start shot taking 2/5.

Im confident playing vs anyone, but theres some spots that I suck . Most small pots... and then big pots where its math, like 3bet pots with 2.5x spr. or 4bet pots with 1.5spr. ... Im currently top 5 at 1/2. the other 4 guys plays higher stakes, which makes me think my skill level at this moment is enough to beat 2/5. To be honest, I see some regs who play 1/2 also shot taking 10/20 and think I could play there too... Today I was multitabling everything and also 5 hu tables. I never quit a game.

2) Variance... Last 100k hands at 0.5/1 Im winning 20bb and only 5bb at 1/2... Impressive run at 0.5/1, bad run at 1/2... 2 examples with 2 hands I won. but one kills my ev... other skyrocket ev.



-------------------------------

For the 1st time in years I finally have more money in my hands than in debt !!!!! uhhwoooo !!! $12,5k total debt, $14k poker roll, $1k liferoll !!!! 3months ago it was like $100k debt , 0 life roll, $5k poker roll...

--------------- Plans ---------------

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGqITiXK42M

I made some cashouts, paid old bills (condo rent and governament fee) and this made me think a bit about my plans . by the way this bills I didn't count in my total debt because I don't care when I owe money to governament, I do care for friends or aquaintances that help me...

My situation:

At this moment I owe $12,5k to 1 person and 0 condo/governament... Im sitting on $9k roll with 8,5k starcoins (so poor that I have toount starcoins). Liferoll is $5,4k which is enough until end of May.

Money goals:

- step 1: have $15k roll and after hit this goal never ever have less than this.
- step 2: pay 12,5k to P2.

Thats $18,5k... rouding to $20k. After winning $20k, I will be confortable money wise. When this happens I probably will slow down a bit and I guess play ~80k hands / month instead the 100k hands Im doing nowadays . Or maybe I keep 100k hands becuase I love poker... But won't be mandatory... the oficial goal will be 80k hands. I also plan to wake up early in the morning... Im waiting have win $20k more to wake up early because games at late midnight are slight easier than games during afternoon/night, and at this moment I need maximum value because as I said many times Im broke hungry for money...

Initial plan was pay P2 as fast as possible, but he said he can wait forever and theres no fee in this debt... also 1-2weeks ago I had $300 life roll and $8k roll, which is kinda dangerous playing omaha $150 avg buy in.

1st day of march I wrote this below, will do a quick review in how Im doing:

----------

''''

I start March with $9,2k roll and $3k at bank ($3k is enough for 6weeks). very underolled, ''can't'' have a big downswing.


March goals ! ( almost the same as last month )

Major Goals:

- test hiv negative 100% conclusive. The results will be avaliable in 1st day of March...

SOLID RESULT !!!!! WEEEEEEEEE !!!!

- pay $12,5k to P2. Last debt... total debt was over $100k few months ago, $12k is nothing !

changed plans. this will be for April.

Poker Goals:

- 100k hands.

Slight below pace, but on right track at 35k hands. Plan is play 13 days 5k hands each day and hit 100k hands.

- $15k profit is 10/10. $10k is 7/10.Less than $10k will be annoying... $5k is 4/10. Less than $5k profit will be hard to acept, but part of the game. Have to remember even being the best its possible to lose

On right track. $5k profit with 1/3 of volume hands played. (aiev at $10k... running bad, but health test ok, so everything else is amazing !)

* I won't change much or try improve my game this month... will be just a grind machine... after I pay debts and have a good bankroll I will focus on getting better/trying new plays/play more agressive/fearless style.

keep doing this.

Sports:

- Sleep schedule: 8hours sleep, wake up at 11am.

Adjusting well... woke up everyday at 11am, but still not sleeping 8hours... most nights 7:30hour.

- eat better. Less salt, less pasta, going to a doctor specialist in food to eat like an athlete.

5% better... Eating less salt since today, lol... I decided I will wait I finish debts to go to speacilist in food.

- gym 6x week.

Solid, but thought I could injury my knes so skiped 2 leg days...

- Run 3x week. Run 5km below 28minutes. Run 10km (just complete is already good, doesn't matter time).

As I said above, skiped 1 week because knees, this make me change my Running goals... My new plans for this march running:

- Run 10km.
- 5km below 29minutes.

- bike twice per week .

Because knees... not going to happen and might don't happen not even one day.

- Start swmiming.

.... not.

- tenis 1x per week.

.... not .

''''

I will add to this goals, weight goal that is less than 93kg. Im 190cm with 96kg... around 22-25% bf. idk. Will measure bf % in April and keep measuring often .

--------------- Wiseman ------------

I took a wise decision and decided not play poker today... solid improvement. And the word wise remember me this song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMeICpLVF2Q

Slight Stopid is a band that me and my highschool friends used to listen a lot... I remember the 1st time I heard Wiseman I thought it was an old band speaking their own dialect, I didn't notice it was english... I thought their were old pirates from X place... (Im from Europe and obv english isn't my native languague ). By the way, 10years later my best friend from high school is a music producer. He made a big show and bring Slight Stoopid !!!!! Off course I had best vip stuff there, but I didn't went, because I had problems in that day... damn it !

......

I didn't play poker today because I arrive late at my home... I don't like playing ''short'' sessions .. its easy for me to get very tilted while playing short sessions and/or in days that Im like ''meh, shouldn't play today...'' I lost tons of money in the past playing in situations like this, just don't work for me... thats why WISEMAN !

I spent all day at my club laying in the sun doing nothing, beautiful day, amazing afternoon... This club is big, cool, has everything you can imagine... tenis, football, basket, gym, pool, bar, etc etc etc. The pool is very big, its actually 4 pools, very big place in a calm neighborhood.. I love that. From one of the pools possible to see some buildings are far away. No idea how far, but Id say 10km ....all those buildings are offices... I was in that pool looking to the buildings thinking ''lol, people have to work.... I can't believe people have to work !!!! its 4pm, Im doing nothing, at this beautiful place... while friends, family, most people in the world are in their jobs !!!!! hahahaha ''

theres a game that you love, one of your favorite hobbys ever... and this game becames you ''job''... thats what happenned to me... Im the luckiest person in this world ! Im doing this for many years, so its not new realize this, but once in a while I still find myself thinking ''wow, I can't believe its true... imagine if I had a job... must suck when you wake up and go to work. '' well, could be better... if I was rock star or NBA player... then I jumped in the pool, it was only me and few kids.. because adults are working !!!!!! damn, I love felling Im still a kid... Im Peterpan !!! (theres few aspects of being a poker pro that I don't enjoy, but 99% is perfect for me)

Review of day: Very solid mental game 10/10 today: recognize my weakness and didn't open room for the disaster.

whale hunter spotted

------------ The Chicken ---------------

Very short session... I spent all day at pool, then gym and later run ! Arrive home late, and as I always say, I hate starting late poker sessions... I like playing during midnight, but when Im already playing, START at midnight feels bad for me... Yesterday I didn't play because of that, but decided to play today...

Poker Session Review:

- skill game. 7/10

- mental game. 1/10. Today wasn't me playing... I was so scared ... like ''can't lose''... I hate late sessions !! After one idiot (he is a pro... lol) 3bet my utg open with a pathetic ds hand and hitting 2pair vs my aces I just closed tables... overall its a solid decision, but I can't be scared, so 1/10 mental game today.

Talking about mental stuff... I might be bipolar...

- imaginary results. won $300-$400.
- total results, 50minutes played, 750 hands, won $360, AIEV $470.

In days that I ''should'' play and/or ind ays I play less than Im supposed to play, I say ''don't worry, today would be a bad day... you would be $2k down and very tilted... the good run is tomorrow ''.

By the way, this small session today was important to increase my roll... with $360 and using my starcoins, now I have $9450 poker roll, thats a bit underolled, but not bad... $9k to 9,5k seems small diference, but in my eyes its a big diference because now Im almost $10k... and $5,4k liferoll... counting my debts vs my total money, Im $2,5k in the green !!!!! This doesn't happen since... idk, don't even remember, it was a long time ago...

RUN REVIEW:

Ran on Monday... after 10 days without any legs workout... its fun and sad at same time to see how only 10 days already makes a diference...

I ran 5km and my legs were sore until today...very sore. and I never feel my legs sore because I ran... its always because I did legs gym workout...

My goal was run 5km below 33minutes... I thought would be easier... it was very hard and I finished in 32:59. Its my 2nd best time running this distance in 2018, but very far from my best 18 time (30:15) and very very far from my personal record (27:17). I don't know how I ran 5km 30:15 2 weeks ago... so sick , it was hard.

Rest legs yesterday... today (wed) was legs gym workout... my legs still sore from Monday running... when I was at my best shape (which doesn't means it was a good shape), I could run 10km and feel nothing in my legs next day... anyway, today gym legs... again, 10 days since legs workout, it was hard ! But I did everything... and then I did something new ... run in the same day I did legs workout !!!! Im loving running and didn't want skip my running schedule... It was HARD !

goal was run 4km below 28min... but this should be an easy run, to rest and just give me more running experience... well, I did run in 27:45min, but it was really hard... heavy legs all time, felling sore etc . good news: felt legs sore, but not the part of my knees that made me take 10 days break from running ! felling good !

overall my month is being very good, just a bit annoyed because I played only 36k hands, a decent amount behind 100k hands pace ! This month I plan to play 12 more days to play, need play 5,4k hands each session to hit 100k hands.... and I usually like to not play much in the last week of the month, but this time will have to play a lot in last days..

------------- Frustration -------------

Poker Sessiojn Review

- skill game: 7/10. Tons of fishs... so many fishs... If this field was everyday, Id guess my winrate at 25-30bb at 0.5/1 and 15-20bb at 1/2.

- mental game: 9/10. Very very frustrated... very pissed... but managed to keep playign decent game. My only mistake was 3betting AK96ds vs MP nit ... (if this was the only mistake, look how solid I was ) ... I was steaming... and I just all in pot in this hand, just to increase my tilt . damn . run so bad today . but solid mental.

Again I started my session late, and was easy to get tilted today.... But I conquer this problem .

- imaginary results: no idea today. anything between losing 1,5k to winning $1,5k
- total result: 4:51 hour, 3,7k hands, lost $900, AIEV + $600.....

very very frustated today session... I finished wth 10evbb, but because had lots of set over sets in spots where fishs has large range.. but always set vs set.

Losing at Friday and Saturday always put me on tilt...

-------------- Again.... ------------

Frustrated again... losing in Friday and Saturday... wtf

Poker Session review:

- skill game 6/10.

- mental game: 9/10.

- imaginary results: won $500-$1k
- total results: 5:00hour, 5,2k hands played, lost $500, AIEV - $300.

Won one huge pot at 1/2, probably my biggest pot this year... and another one 3way on 1/2, so I thought I had won a lot... but seems I was owned in every small medium pots... this makes me feel like a lucky fish and why I gave myself only 6/10 at skill.

Today 2/4 tables were ridiculous... I mean, really, really easy... I sat to play, felt underolled... can't play that with 20buy ins. And quit... solid mental game... but damn it, the line up was all 1/2 regs and Im better than all this guys... but just couldn't play .

talking about this regs... they table select so nit... sometimes theres a semi fish at table and they leave lol. they might play on other sites, but still, quitting a fish...

Overall, Im very disapointed, but only pissed with poker, overall Im happy.. Im running too bad. But ok, part of game... Friday/Saturday are the easiest day ever and in both days I lost... felling miserable. Roll is only $8k now... damn it .

What make me frustrated is being poor with very very short roll... At least this is the last time I let this happen... $8k roll.... The last debt $12k I will start pay after I have $15k roll... in bank I already have enough for March April and May... so thats it...

I did cashout for 3months bills and had $9k left poker roll... I said myself it was the last time I play with short roll... Now I just need a mini good run to be above $12k roll and feel confortable... actually not a good run... just an ok run... or even just a ''not terrible run''...

$7k below ev this month... my avg buy in is $150... damn . only one ****ing session I ran above ev this month...

I turn off computer... was going to eat, but still felling insecure with my busted bankroll, my bad run, my ''I have to make money''... ''what if I don't win... '' I admit that 2 sessions in a really easy game with tons of fishs and weak pros with negative ev hit my confidence... ... Its crazy/pathetic felling this because I play this game for years and I know the variance etc etc etc ... I have million hands played, always top winner, but give me 50k hands without good results and I start ask myself if I still the the great shark... Im 100% sure Im top 3* player at the stakes Im playing and also 100% sure I will beat 2/5 when I have money to play there... but I need be more confident than that... actually, Im realizing... I doubt my skills, its just the fact that Im poor without money... I doubt the fact if a terrible run happens... its a fact Im invencible in the long run... but I need short term money...

really bad run at 1/2... since FEbruary nothing works at 1/2... and today I won huge pot where I floped 80% equity... and all in flop, but most of money went pre... so actually my true aiev today was worst than -$300... should be at -$600.. or more.

whatever... I will keep doing what Im doing and everything will be fine ! but give me the money! !

* I lack some basic strategy/theory and math/solver stuff and few spots Im previsible, but hell its 1/2, most pros suck and theres tons of fishs... the only guys who are good are those who play 1/2-10/20 and to be honest many of them aren't that good..

Me again...

still thinking about it... I went to HM to see my results... lol, I just over-reacted for this past 2 days for 2 reasons: 1) short/poor bankroll and 2) Friday/Saturday is whale festival...

my last 5 sessions:

Saturday (today) lost 500 aiev -300
Friday (Yesterday) lost 900 aiev +600
Wednesday won 370 aiev 400
Sunday won 2,9k aiev +1,7k
Saturday won 1,7k, aiev +2,9k
Friday won 300, aiev + 1,2k
Wednesday won 1k aiev +1,4k...

so, Im crushing... lol.

------------ go go go ------------

Poker Session Review:

- skill game : 7/10.

- mental game: 7/10.

- imaginary results: no idea... lost $800 at worst, win $1k at best.
- total results: 4:09 hours, 3,8k hands, won $900, AIEV + $800.

Overall pretty standard session, many fishs and I think I run like I deserve: good in some spots, bad in other spots... 16evbb, 18bbb which is what I expect in the long run counting only weekends.

Important session... key session money wise... had $8k poker roll, was worried about losing more and wondering if I should keep playing 1/2... now $8,9k, close to $10k poker roll... hope I run decent next sessions and finally stop being scared of going busto again. By the way, I already decided, doesn't matter what Im quitting 1/2... even with $3k roll, I will keep playing. In half million hands the worst run I had playing 1/2 and 0.5/1 was -$6k... happned 2 or 3 times. so its rare...

49k hands ''half'' of my poker month (100k hands), Im a lot behind pace because doing other stuff... I need wake up 10am everyday...

RUN REVIEW:

- Ran 5km Yesterday and today...

Yesterday legs were still very sore from gym (did legs at Wednesday ... but it was 10 days without legs and already felt weak) plus very hot/sun in my head, it was hard... but finished 5km in 34min.

Today my legs were better, but still not 100%... and again very hot... did 5km in 32:30min.

From now I will be running with an schedule that I read at internet... suggest stuff like run 400m x 5 in a day to training speed and in other days just go an easy run, other days run long (7miles), just to train overall running skills !! Im very excited to start this ! But felt my right knees slight sore today... disapointed with my kness... 10days break from stuff and its still there... I will keep doing and keep training and hopefully my legs get adjusted while getting stronger. only breaks now if real injury.

------------- Solid ------------------

Poker Session Review.

- skill game: 7/10.

- mental game: 10/10. Hard test today... tons and tons of stuff happenned. After losing many all ins, going all in with top set + fd and was like '' now I can't lose...'' and booom backdoor for them... so many times.

- imaginary results: lost 1,5K-$2,5K.
- total results: 4:24hour, 4,3k hands, lost $1,8k, AIEV +$1,1k.

After paying many debts, making cashouts to survive until end of April etc, I have only $ 7,1k roll now... (had 9k after cashout). Now Im already a bit annoyed with having only $7k, but will be worried for real if/when my roll hit $4k... if roll is down to $4k will have to think about the situation. Probably deposit again the money I cashout, but rats ask for huge fee ... I hate those rats by the way. and I have only $4,5k oustide bank, can deposit maximum $2k . idk what I do if down to $4k...

Im unning bad and doing it like a boss. I think mywinrate should be around 13-17bb at 0.5/1 and 8-14bb at 1/2 .

Resume my thoughts about my sitaution poker right now: it sucks run that bad especially after cashing out/paying debts (when Im short roll), but whatever, Im playing good and I guess in few days my roll is growing again .

-----------------------

Running Review:

Went run yesterday (Tuesday), plan was 7km . But it was raining a lot and didn't stop. it was raining tons and tons of water... couldn't run... after 30min I acepted and went back home (I don't like running in the tread mill, not real running)... after 20min driving, stop raining... I said, ****, Im going back and run !!!! - in the past this would be enough to think ''world hates me... stop raining when Im close to home''... but now Im enjoying every moment I have !

Unfortunally started raining a LOT after I ran 1,5km, and I don't want get sick... had to stop listening music because phone would be broke with so much water... raining, cold, I decided Id run until 5km and that was enough... total time was 35:30min 5km because I started slow thinking about 7km.. finished very proud with my discipline about running in that situation, warrior level !!

Today (Wed) went run again.. goal was the same as yesterday: 7km, no time... the dream time was 49min (7min each km)...

My legs was a bit sore from yesterday, it was less than 18hours since I ran 5km... and Im a beginner !!! Today it was sun and hard to run... between 2,5km-4,5km I felt VERY tired and thought maybe I couldn't finish the 7km... but it was just in my head and I finished 7km in 49:30min wooooohhhooo !!! last km I ran 6:15 hahaha It was faster than I thought I could do ! I only ran longer than 5km 4-5x time in my life, so its a big deal for me running 7km !

Right now have 2 main goals at running and after I complete both I will start follow a running training program, but only after I complete: 1) complete 10km . 2) 5km below 30min. I did this 2 things last year... it was hard. Im very close and I thnk I will do both in 1 week, 2 weeks maximum.

Overall Im very proud with my life... playing good poker, not tilting, doing sports, getting in shape, all good, doing the best I can !!

Forgot to write:

10 days left to end of month, I want play 47k hands more (100k hands total)... will play 9 days, 5,2k hands per day playing 9days with only 1 non poker day... will be sick !

Why no graph posts? I wanna see sick volume!

-------------- I took a Shot --------------

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LvoV2Lfk7Qg

Today thoughts like ''Running too bad... can't win... damn god, last 100k hands Im not making money......Im pooor...'' '' ****, I can't win !!!!! Why I run so bad ?? '' scared... Wait, who Am I ... how I am scared... damn god, Im fearless !!!! thoughts like ''omg, Im close to busto... poped in my mind and I noticed this little bad run it hit my confidence...(mental game improving but still lots of room to improve more). I thought about poker today more than Id like to... I guess I wasn't honest with myself in last post. I Will rant and might be confuse... whatever.

With that thoguhts running on my mind, I went see my last 100k hands graph...



Seeing this graph, I think Im an idiot for being scared and/or worried about anything related to poker. If this is a bad run for me... imagine what is a good run... hahaha.

The problem is - as I said many times before - Im poor at this moment ... I don't have money, I have make money everytime... yes, I know ''having'' to make money in short time playing poker is stupid, **** happens (more often than should), but thats why Im playing small stakes: because I can't have variance at this moment...


In that graph, from 10k hands to 70k hands , I ran terrible... It was tons of KK x AA, tons of doing good bluffs but running in top of ranges etc etc etc. I lost 40buy ins at 0.5/1... which is close to my biggest downswing ever in this stake. might be the biggest. And ran terrible at 1/2 too... (breakven aiev is terrible for me at 1/2)... those 60k hands were very annoying...

I might sounds an amateur complaning about 100k hands variance... lol .I have been playing cards for a living for years, and not my 1st and not the last breakeven period, but every ****ing time I think ''I can't win anymore... '' hahahaha

Month graph at this moment:



my average buy in is $150. so ya very bad run...

After I write this, its impressive how much I improved at mental game. I was a whale .... now I have 18evbb while running terrible... obvious Im running slight good at coolers , but still....... . by the way writing here makes me feel good and can see things with rational eyes. It sounds stupid the fact writing feels good... maybe therapy feels good too, even being very dumb thing to do...

/rant.

Then I read about guys who are better than me having 400k hands breakeven... lol. fauck crazy game.

edit: my situation is $7,1k poker roll ... have been in worse situations, but since I started paying debts its the lowest roll I ever had... and $4,5k at bank.

edit2: knees sore level 0/10 after running 7km yesterday ! AWESOME ! not injuried, 10km soon !!

just because you asked...