Thanks for your advice. But Im a gambler who wins at poker.

You only can't control what you can't if you stop trying.

-------------- Rocky ----------------

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I33u_EHLI3w

After most tilting session of the year, I decided to play again the very next day. A bit dangerous given my history, but I was 100% focus on not making mistakes. Today my goal was play the best possible... But the session started great with $1k winnings and then I changed my goal to finish the session with a profit... this make me play a bit locked, not exatcly nit, but locked.

SESSION REVIEW

- skill game: 7/10. didn't play anything special... Im felling Im playing very good, like the best players at my stakes, but not better than they... in the past I used to feel I was playing better than the best... need work on something.

There was one play that I double float and shoved river... and was owned by top full house, lol.

- mental game: 7/10. ran good early, in the end I started losing a lot and bad memorys from started pop in my head... went from + $2,5k to + $1k in 2k hands.. not 3,5k loss like yesterday, but it was a bit tilting... because of that, in the last hour I changed from my fearless style to nit mode... I was trying to avoid losing big and folded some close spots and/or didn't bluff spots that I could bluff..

total results: 5:06 hour, 5,2k hands, won $1,4k, AIEV + $800. (Im never satisfied when my final result is far from my peak result... today peak was + $2,5k )

saying the obvious, but never enough saying: variance at this game is HUGE ! YEsterday tables were a LOT easier than today and I think I played better yesterday... and today result a lot better.

Poker Weekend review:

played 21k hands (including Friday), won $3,9k with $2,8K AIEV. I expect to win around $15k each 100k hands, so this results can't be bad, but Im not happy because I played 9k hands on Saturday at the easiest games ever, so I expected special results.

Already 48hours played this month, 50k hands and $7,8k winnings with $6k AIEV. How Im always crying and felling unlucky... lol. By the way, $17k roll, most ''side'' debts already paid... very short on bank account, will need cashout $1 or $2k . Getting close to finally pay my major debt (only $15k left ).

------------------- Thoughts -----------------

On Sunday I watch a movie Silver Linings Playbook that I identified with the guy who has mental problems... its slight diferent mental issues than mine, but I recognized myself in some stuff, especially the traumatized part... again, its diferent problems, but I recognized. Also the movie has a part where hero say a bad thing to a girl and she react ''yes, thats true, but I love my problems just like I love my good parts. And you, can you forgive yourself for real ? '' Love this paragraph, wrote at paper to remember .

Another part of the movie that I identified is the father of the hero who is a gambler who is very superticious and likes to bet everything in a game when he is felling it . Amazing ! But thats a movie and in his last bet off course he wins. I thought this would be a bad movie, but I like a lot !

That paragraph about loving your problems and acept yuorself stuck in my mind... I did some huge mistakes in my life that I regret... and that paragrph gave some peace in my mind.

Its weird that next day (Monday) I woke up felling bad... Idk why... somedays Im not good. I guess might be with the fact I didn't have a good holiday, I really don't know. Many people told me I might be bipolar... even in this thread strangers who don't know anything about suggested that. I still don't think its the case...

Went to gym anyway. Started slow, not very motivated, but in the end I was doing more than I usually do. 30min resting at bar drinking Orange juice and went for a 5km run !

Few things to note:

- 1st I run this distance in many months... I guess the last time I ran 5km was in August, before hurt my ankle and only 5th time Im running in months (at that time personal record was 27:07min and it was running 5km in 30min without much effort)
- running after gym (a bit harder)
- perfect weather to run... not rainy, not sun.
- I didn't sleep well last night, was felling a bit tired and not motivated to run, espeacilaly after gym workout.

That said... after 300meters I was happy and motivated running, damn running is magic ! My goal was just complete 5km and not think about the time because its the 1st time running this distance in a long time.

RUN REVIEW

0 - 1km , 7:13min, easy.

Started at slow pace, in my mind 7:30min peace would be good and just finish the distance.

1 - 2km 7:19min, easy to medium.

Got motivated with songs and said, ''****, Im running to have fun... I want try 5km below 35minutes !!!''

the songs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1l0x...=RDRFxRTLmtsbE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ID-j...mtsbE&index=27

After making 500meters with 6:40min pace I started felling tired and remember Im coming back and thought I couldn't complete 5km if I try 7min pace, so slowdown a lot ...

2 - 3km 7:10min, hard

It was hard, but not much. It was enjoying running...

3- 4km 7:14 very hard

Felling tired, from 3,2km to 3,8km I was felling weak and everytime I heard ''you won't make it... you didn't slept well, you did gym today... 5th time you running in months... its too much for you, just give up, 4km is ok''. mental wise I was very very tired, 10/10. At this moment the only reason it was enjoyable its because sometimes I like to suffer and try to conquer the hard part.

4 - 5km 6:40 , medium to hard .

Was easier than I expected... after I cross the 4km barrier it became easier.. Mental wise it was easy ''only last km, now Im sure you will make it !"

total run: 5km , 35:34minutes. Achieve the main goal that was running 5km, and almost made the dream time below 35minutes. Now I see that I could have done below 35min, but I had no idea how my body would react... Happy with progress, soon I will be running 5km 30min without effort.

I LOVE RUNNING !

Wednesday my club is closed, no gym, will run in a park, more a slow run to give me more experience and get my body used to running often... the park has small ''mountains'' ups and downs... really, time not important, just running... 3km in 20min. Now I can easily run faster than that, but I want save energy for Thursday because it will be legs day at gym.

On Saturday will be a serious run and goal will be 5km below 34km, very audacious goal for this moment. By the way, its fun and sad at same time to see how few months destroy my performance... I was making 6min / km pace easily and now 7min / km its hard ! Also, I wasn't happy with my record 27min 5km , but now Im giving more value... still slow to any runner, but not that easy !


For today, Tuesday, my goal was wake up felling good, and that happenned !!! I was a little worried if Id be injuried in my shoulder because pushed hard at gym and if my legs (ankle/knees) would be ok given my 1st 5km run... also was a bit worried with fever and sore troat... not worried with hiv anymore , but what ifff.............. nothing, all good !

Going to gym and after dinner 5k hands poker session .

------------------ Session -----------------

Played another session... Late afternoon games at my stakes wasn't that good. Games have been amazing everyday, so I was a bit disapointed, and thought today was going to be a short session... well, I was wrong, action filled and during night/midnight games became great !

SESSION REVIEW (from today, I will be writing this session review before seeing any results... off course I have an idea because tables stacks , but sometimes Im 24tabling and don't even follow the final result - its rare, but might happen I get semi tilted thinking Im losing andand won 20stacks, and the oposite also happens . I Think Im more honest with myslef and less oriented by results writing this before seeing it)

- skill game: 7.5/10. I like how I played, did some solid bluffs, nice value bets.

few hands:

- playing HU vs ukraine reg. I 3bet 9876ds with 200bbs stacks, flop is 542cc, I got flush draw, amazing flop. I go for the c/r, he ck backs... on turn, I go for the c/r again, but thinking about the hand, I should just bet the turn... I cr turn, he repots which is obvious slowplayed 63, I call and cf on a blank river.

This hand its wahtever... but it was with a reg that Im playing everyday hu (starting tables). To be honest, I always imagine regs who play hu vs me are a bit better than others, but this guy, I can't understand... He does some really bad bluffs... Im calling down him a lot and overall very sucessfull. But he adjust: now he bluffs only almost always, not always. Also I have a very strong read on his bet size and also on his calling range. Im crushing this guy, but he makes me tired, especially when multitabling, because he is way too agroo. Playing a lot vs him.

- another ''standard'' hand is a hand that CO limps, I open $9 on button with KQ97ds, reg on SB 3bets $32, CO min 4bets $67... I think its a call pre flop. or maybe re shove because SB is very agroo and I dominate his non AA/KK hands. Also my hand is great 3way. But I folded... lol. SB had aces .

- KQQ2r on BB. Button opens (same reg from above), I defend BB with KQQ2r. Flop is AK3r. vs some guys Id cr flop and bet huge on every non 2 4 5 turn/river. But vs this guy I c/c to c/r later... turn is Jh putting a fd on board, he bets big, I call, river is blank, he bets huge, I crai, he folds.

This reg from this 2 hands above is the Belarus donk that put me on tilt few days ago. He seems to be good... maybe very good. Right now I put him at blue color (reg, not bad, not good), but I might improve him to green top regs. He is giving me a hard time, putting tons of pressure. I thikn Im adjusting very good vs him and protect my ranges very well, but still having a hard time vs him. When I call a reg ''donk'' its either a very bad reg or good player who puts me on tilt... this belarus the later.

- mental game: 7/10, wasn't a hard session, ran good for the most part, but in the end (always in the end!) there was lots of fishs and I was frustrated because nothing works.

- how much I imagine the results: I think I won around $1k. Started winning $1,5k-2k and lost a bit in the end.

- total results : 6hours, 5,4k hands, won $2,5k, AIEV + $850. I thought I killed 0.5/1, but was breakeven there (both $ and EV).

--------------- The Whale ----------

Good day... raining a lot... But while washing my face after Lunch I thought my lymph nodes was a bit larger and hiv infection ran in my mind... its been 10 weeks since I fcked a prostitute and condom broke ,doctors says symptoms might apears only 8weeks... and mostly 4weeks. Also I did exams with negative result... but after I quit drugs my mind is extremely paranoid . I called my father, he told me go to therapy, which made me a bit pissed... anyway, I realized I was being very paranoid at something almost impossible(or at this point, impossible for real) and went run...

Run REVIEW

Club closed, went run at park. My 1st time running in that place, has some hills...

My plan was an ''easy run'', just to kilometer and improve my running experience. But seeing those hills, rock n roll music in my phone... I got excited and run faster than my plan. Running in the hills its really hard. Tomorrow is leg day at gym, but I didn't realize those hills were so extreme and hard... I drive by car there everyday and see people running there, seems so easy when in a car... lol.

I like it, but it was raining a bit in the end so I couldn't enjoy the park.

3km run at park, 18:54min, not review each km because with hills each km is diferent than other. The 1st extreme hill I did in 6:00 pace and almost died..... then after this hill I was almost walking pace to recover lol, but at least didn't stop running. overall, 6:18 pace.

I was seeing my running watch... I ran 4 times in November... I was also coming back, and my 1st 5km was 35:00min and the next was 33:29min. It was so long break like now... I did ran 35:30min 2 days ago, so Im almost sure I will make it sub 34min 5km on Saturday.

... Shower, Dinner at 6pm and soccer Madrid vs PSG. I don't like this teams, but its a great game to watch. But I hate more PSG. bet365 was saying PSG was favorite and paying 2.20 to Madrid qualify... crossed my mind betting $5k in that... but I didn't, just watch the game, Im so close to finish all debts, can't lose big money now.

Then poker session..... POKER REVIEW

Session started PERFECT, hitting all boards, all rivers, bluffing working... to complete I hit 1 out at 3way all in. Overall the action was a bit slow today, more like it was last year, not tons of tables running like holidays, but still very good.

- skill game: 9/10. I played very good... did some solid plays and pretty strong bluffs. I did one mistake... I raise pre with 7765s and got married with hand later... easy fold riv. but overall I played great.

- mental game: 10/10. As I said, session started perfect... Hit n running crossed my mind because action was slow, but Im a warrior on a mission and keep grinding... grinding... , until midnight, where games got VERY good with big whales.

lol... if I knew what was coming.... No joke, the whale Im talking about was 100 vpip with 91% 3bet. He went from $200 to $2k stack !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And most of that was all my chips... (most of hands it was deep stacks because the chips were flying):

- 5bet pot with AA87, flop is 662r, I shove and lose vs Whale holding T643ds.

- I 3bet AKKQcc 200bbs, I don't know why, but he didn't 4bet... his 4bet was very high. Flop is T54r, I bet he calls, turn Qx. I bet big and Im very confident, but then he shoves... Not a good spot, vs this guy I have to call and Im not in terrible shape... well, I was, he had floped set.

- I 4bet AQQ8ds for 230bbs. He calls. flop is KTTdd with my nut flush draw.$160 on flop, $370 stacks. Dificult spot... He pots, Im all in, he calls AQJ8rainbow and I lose to a ****** 9 on turn. AQQ8ds vs AQJ8r, should be a law that says this hand is 100% winning rate ! *** !

- Reg opens CO, I flat AKJ7ds button (only 100bbs now.. was losing a lot), waiting the Whale, which happens, he 3bets, reg calls, I pot $110, both call. Flop is 882r, whale donk bet pots $330, reg shoves $500, whale folds. LOL... just like that...

Then I win some nice pots (standard hands) and have $600 stack.

- AJT8dd on CO, I open, Whale 3bets SB, flop is AQTr, whale pots, turn 7h, POT again, river 4, POT, I call and win $1,1k pot vs his KT63rainbow.

I had to be very very strong mental wise to don't go nuts... this whale was destroying me and burning my money to other regs... so fkcing tilting !!!!

There lots of hands, tons of pathetic stuff, this are the biggest... One interesting thing is most hands won at this table was by the Whale. Everyone knew he was bluffing and potting all time, but still he won a lot of hands. Overall he won 109 pots vs me and lost only 26. SOmetimes we just can't call... This Whale played all days I played in this week, he is losing only $250 with AIEV -$1,8k.

This whale teachs me that a strong bet bet bet strategy is the way to go and crush high stakes . No joke... It shows that even when players know you are bluffing, more often than not they still can't call.


imaginary results: I think I started winning $1k, lost $1,5k, and finished around $500 up.

total results: 5:12hour, 4,7k hands played, won $2,5k AIEV + $2,1K. So I ran great at all tables expect the Whale table. Thought I had lost something at 0.5/1 but actually won $2,2k there today... only $300 up at 1/2.

ps: One reg is crushing me ( J )... but he do so many bad plays... I don't know his level thinking... he cold calls 3bets with 6654, but do some good post flop plays.


felling very very strong mental after today !!!

Glad to see you slowly getting rid off your bet 5k$ thoughts. Reading through the blog couple of days ago I was sure you were gonna get ****** one day with those debts and your gambling issues. Seems like you had "good" friends who would borrow you money at any time. I strongly believe they were doing you more harm than good but what can I say probably worked nicely for them in the end with all the fees that you had to pay. Stay strong and hope you actually get 100% clean of this gambling issue. You seem to have decent poker discipline but when it comes to other stuff I see such weak minded person. My advice is to stay with poker and never touch any casino/sports betting again. Good luck.

Most guys who send me money do this because I pay big fees, thats for sure. But some of them also do this to help me... From all guys who I owe money, I hate half of them. Annyway, Im doing good and hope never ever ask for money again. Its really bad spot, I hate asking for money... but sometimes , no option left.

About discipline: Im improving a lot in this area , especially since 2017. As you said, I was always very weak minded person, and still weak in few aspects. About your advice, thanks, but I will be back at gambling for sure. My goal is do that with strict stop loss .

--------- ALELUIA ------------------

Started late my poker session... woke up, went to club to gym workout, but my cousin was there, and invited me to play tenis... At phone I said I didn't want to play, but when I was there I changed my mind and played... 3rd time in 15 years that I play tenis... I had forgot how much fun is playing tenis, will play a lot more often !

Im not in good shape, so I was sweating a lot and because it wasn't planned I didn't have other t-shirt... after that I went to gym with my t-shirt 100% wet and with air-conditioning at gym I might be sick with fever tomorrow........ hopefully not, but its possible. Its only 2 weeks left to final hiv exam and I really hope I don't get fever until that... If I have fever tomorrow It will be because wet t-shirt, but will make me a bit paranoid anyway. (how ****** I can be... Im writing its because wet pants at air conditioning and still saying I will be scared about hiv... LOL). Also Im starting going to gym everyday and running 3x/week, don't want lose that now because a stupid fever...

POKER SESSION REVIEW

After gym , went play poker... I don't like start playing late... I like playing late at night, but when in the middle of the action, butstart late, not nice for me. I had a strong felling that today would be a terrible poker session... for 2 reasons: 1- starting late and 2- Im winning too much last days and feels like its the time for the bad run . Before start playing, I asked myself , ''are you ready ... you going to lose $2 or $3k today''... Well, I was wrong...


- skill game. 9/10. Play while winning its easy... but Im playing very very good.. Sometimes I think my only problem is overfolding hands, but at small stakes, don't think players bluff too often, so might be ok. But the Belarus donk bluffs... he is giving me trouble and I promoted him to top reg label in my ranking. Its rare put 1/2 players at that label. I think I adjust very good vs him and doing lots of traps vs him, but more often than not that board runs ugly and he keeps firing in cards that help my range, and I just end folding...

- mental game: 7/10. Session was easy, ran great, wasn't tested mental wise. Only mental stuff was thinking I will have fever tomorrow... and the fact I started late .

Total results: 4:53hour , 5k hands, won $3,9k, AIEV + $2,2k.
- no imaginary results today because I misclick and saw my cashier while openning new table while still playing. At that moment I thought I was around $1k up, but was $4k.

Finally I paid the biggest debt !!!! Now I only owe $12k. But this debt Im paying today its the most important because it was the biggest amount ($50k at peak), I owe money to him for years... damn, thats so cool !!!! Weeks ago I owe ... don't even remember, but I think it was around $80k in november.

Now my roll is $11k and $1,5k at bank with $12k debt. Im starting to feel Im rich ! hahaha

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zgdu...mtsbE&index=12


one thign to remember and never forgot: I also run good !!!!!!! seems impossible, but yes I do run good too !! but off course I will forget this in the 1st running bad session....
Last 10 sessions at 0.5/1, Im 50 buy ins over EV !!!!! (2 sessions was breakeven with EV breakeven). Today 13buy ins above ev, yesterday 12buy ins above ev...

------------- Stupid Variance ------------

I have been playing this game for years... and still can't believe how the lucky factor that decides what happens.

I played more or less like yesterday, but today I lost $600 and yesterday won $4k... pathetic... and yes, Im not tired of crying... jesus... I think Im crying so much because this games are very easy, so I ''don't acept'' losing. By the way, its the 2nd Saturday in a row that I lose... I lost only 2 days this month, both Saturdays, the best day for my game/stake....

POKER Session REview

- skill game: Played very good. 8/10. I did 2 big bluffs and both got called... One the guy had the nuts and I had semi blocker + gut shot.. but he was blocking my gs and killed my aiev. lol. I love crying ................ other was a hand that I float flop and turn in a locked board and villain was bluffing and got showdown vlaue on river. He won the hand, but to be honest, his call river is TERRIBLE... Im bluffing with that bet size almost never... 1 in a million I will have air there... who double floats... jesus .

negative ev at 1/2 always make me feel like a fish... but Im confident . This year I have 11evbb at 1/2 and 10evbb at 0.5/1 while running bad... today Fish called pot raise with 1 out, $10 left , and hit turn.. lol.

Today I palyed very good vs Belarus donk. Adjusted very well. Im probably the best player playing this stakes. Not that means much, most regs here suck.

- mental game 9/10. I played good, but I was owned too... but I didn't let this have an efect in my game. Also ran really bad in setups that killed my aiev at 1/2... but kept playing well.
session started + $1k, then lost $2,5k to be - $1,5k... very tilting stuff. solid mental game for me. improving.... I only don't give me 10/10 here because I played 3hours more because I was losing... my game was still solid and great, but if the results give a decision, its to STOP (stop loss), not play more, lol.

total results. 8:15 hour, 8k hands, lost $700, AIEV + $650.

ps: didn't got fever today, felling good, but not 100%, didn't run today ... but went to gym. My cousing got fever because tenis match yesterday... now Im felling very confident about my healthy too .

------------ Very Strong --------------

I like play long sessions... especially on weekends. But I woke up late today (8k hands yesterday) and went for a ''short'' session today. Usually I don't go to gym on Sundays, but last Wednesday my gym was closed so I went today to compensate........

POKER SESSION REVIEW

- skill game. 9/10. Im playing good.. Solid, fearless, strong. Right now I could be playing 2/5zoom and probably would destroy that field too.

Games today was a lot harder than last weeks... there was more regs and few tables running only regs. Their problem... Im killing everyone . hahaha joke, its my problem too off course.

2 hands... 2 bluffs... both got called, lol. I love both my plays... the 1st one I got straight flush blocker, my range has 0 air. But didn't work, he called anyway, lol, but I like it.

The 2nd bluff it was spew play by me, but I think its important to be spew sometimes. Its a limped pot, flop A84hh, I lead QJ87. he raises pot... I repot. good play. Turn 2x, pot is $100, we have $160, I have to check. river is 5x. A85hh 2x 4x. I go for the c/r, he calls 76J4. Very good bet sizing by villain on river..

- mental game. 7/10. Ran hot, not many bad beats...

imaginary results: I guess I won around $500-$1,5k. In the end of session I had huge stacks , but lost some big pots too..
Total results: 3:44 hours, 3,6k hands, won $1,4k, AIEV $500.


------ I saw a poker video... was seeing big pots at youtube and site suggested Jnandez channel. Guy seems to be a reg at 2/5 up to 10/20. Very happy with I saw because many plays that happens often and Im not sure what to do, he was doing more or less what I do and in few spots that I think regs are going to fold, he was folding, also his bet sizes... matchs with my reads.

------
Played 200k hands this month with total 10bb and 10evbb. 100k hands each level, 10evbb at both levels. Last weeks Im doing great at 0.5/1 and bad at 1/2... Last time I had a session with negative ev at this stake was 16 of January. Its 22 sessions. 2 sessions were breakeven ev. 20 winning ev bb. Im invencible at this level. no, NO ! don't forget you had 40stacks downswing there in January... at this game everything is possible.

76k hands this month, ahead pace of 100k hands month. Will play 5 more days . $17k up at this moment, anything above $15k is good, but now I want be $20k or more

----- Another thing... clock changed in my country, and because of this I want start playing my sessions 1 hour early... wake up 1 hour before than Im used to do.

Great comeback! I am rooting for you!

Edit: you seem to be a good player (I am not as much). What would you recommend me to do in order to improve my game in NLHE? (either Cash Game or MTT) I don't grind (I don't plan to), I play for fun, although I think that I have potential and I understand the game well, but I started playing again cash game NL5 ($0.05), and I've been winning some $ in general against some fishes (my bankroll is 30-40 USD and that's fine for me - as I said, I play for fun).
(I also have the problem of betting my bank trying to double it up, but I end up loosing after all - of course, in a very small proportion if compared to your old bets, and that doesn't affect my life ***although I lost a large amount once in a crazy move (600 USD, not from my bankroll, but from my savings, which made me feel really bad, even though I accepted the risk), something that I intend to never do again***, but I think it is a terrible behaviour because it makes me lose what I win by playing poker - preventing me from moving up to higher stakes -, and I want to stop).

I recomend you looking and observer what plays they do vs you and learn from that. Learn how to adjust etc. Thats how I learned playing poker. for example: If someone makes a play vs me and I have a strong hand but still have to fold, I copy that play and will bluff with that line.

Im a gambler, but playing nl5 with $30 bankroll is suicide. At least 20buy ins... and 20buy ins is already very crazy.

What was the crazy move you made with $600 bet ? I love gambling story ! I also love betting my bank trying to double up. Thats why I got in the **** hole I am lol.

----------- Boring session -----------

POKER SESSION REVIEW:

Started late... damn it, this will change for the next month ! When I start late, not many tables running and I don't feel motivated to play. Today games were good, but not many tables running and I felling bored, soon I was pissed and then semi tilting...

- skill game: 6.5/10. The lowest rate I give myself in a while... I started playing perfect, but lost focus... there was some fishs destroying me without showdown, jesus... so tilting.

- mental game: 8/10. As I said above, tilting stuff... I did ran good at 1/2 so this gave me a bit relief mental wise, but overall was tilting session, lost a bunch at 0.5/1... pathetic. Also, one reg put me on tilt... I think I lost all pots bigger than 10bb vs him. One of things that put me on tilt is when same guy wins EVERYTIME vs me... and this happenned today... I start trying force and try win everypot and then they start slowplaying vs me and I lost a bunch... This guy is bad... I mean, diferent than the Belarus donk, which I say its a donk because he puts me on tilt, this Brazilian reg is bad... just bad. tons of leaks...

- imaginary result: Lost $1k.... I think I started winning $1k and then lost $2k... bad day at 0.5/1 and good day at 1/2. Today if I lose less than $500 Im happy.
Total result: 4:40hour, 4,1k hands, Lost $430. AIEV - $1,4k... lol how this game is... I didn't play well, but not that bad either. Just tons of wrong showdowns... example: I get all in 3way with QT96 on J82r. Usually I have 40% 3way, sometimes 50% if both have sets... today I had 20% in that spot lol.

Today was the 1st negative EV session since day 4 February. Im coming from a very good run... but paying tons of debts, my roll is still very small. Only $9,5k now... Can't have a downswing.

Not a good session, but being bad and losing only $400, I should be happy... next sessions Im starting maximum 6pm... 5:30pm, would be perfect.

ps: changed my workout at gym, doing more intense stuff, stronger everyday, very motivated with that !

------------------ The Athlete -----------

Doesn't even seems its me doing all this sports... used to smoke pot all day, don't sleep... why I wait so many years to start this stuff... its because I LOVED with all my powers the lifestyle I had before this , lol, but now is better. Im so excited with sports that I plan start swimming... tenis, swmining, run, gym, soccer... might start basketball too. My main goal is get stronger at gym and run 10km below 40minutes. 10km below 40min is semi pro level... a very good amateur will run 10km at 50min.

Yesterday I went to my club with my bike (cycling. not motorbike) for the 1st time ever !! Thats so hard... I live in a area with lots of hills... not a good place to bike because not only the huge hills, but also its a bit dangerous people try steal things... and tons of cars/bus... but I enjoyed a lot going with my bike and will be doing this more often . I didn't imagine Id feel so tired cycling... my plan yesterday was going with bike, run, and gym workout (legs). but lol, I arrived VERY tired, just went to the pool laying down waiting 7pm to gym workout. After legs gym had to comeback... bike at night... damn god, so hard ! Arrived at home felling at top of the world, but very tired ! Today my plan was gym and run 5km below 34minutes. Did very strong stuff at gym... And went run... I was felling my legs very tired from yesterday, also a bit tired from gym today, but nowadays Im trying following my plans.

RUN REVIEW:

0-1km, medium

at 500meters doens't seems it was possible run 5km today. Usually at 500m Im not felling anything, but today was already: legs, all legs.... bike yesterday...

1-2km, medium... at this point I started ask myself if Id be able to run 5km today...

2-3km, hard, was tired and now seems for real I couldn't complete my goal, so I thought ''run until 4km... then see what you can do''

3-4km, extremely tired... 9.5/10 tired... legs felling heavy, also mental wise all I could think was ''legs workout yesterday... bike ... Im TIRED ''.

4-5km, extremely tired...

total time : 34:03 !!!!!!!!! almost 34min, but I finished 100% happy, did my best, great time giving conditions !!! If I made 34min in this situation, next time if don't do workout legs before running, Im sure I can make it around 32minutes... maybe 32:30 at worst!

Very happy with running. next run is tomorrow, will be an easy/recovery run, 3km below 20min, just to rotate my body and give me more kms... my next 5km will be on Monday. Might hit 5km below 30min still this month !

----------

POKER SESSION REVIEW

Again started late my poker session... I hate doing this... harder for me have 100% focus.

Theres a reg... I mean, he don't even deserve I write about him , but he ALWAYS running perfect and making not good plays that works vs me , either because I can't believe he can be that bad or because board run out always help him. Serious, the plays he makes, only he is making those patehtic plays. At least he is always sitting out vs me, which makes me happy because he probably realize he don't have a chance vs me. (I re-read my post... he isn't that bad... but the fact he always run good vs me, make me say that )

Talking about sitting out... I don't know if they are on downswings and is table selecting, or if they are playing other sites... but the fact is: regs stoped starting tables with me. Today I started tables with one reg and I destroyed him. The guys who usually started didn't do this today... they were sitting out. In my opinion Im the best at 1/2 at this moment. Which doesn't means much because is small stakes, but whatever, makes me happy. From all players who plays 1/2, Im top 5, because theres some guys who plays higher and also plays 1/2.

- skill game. 7/10. I started playing bad... running bad... and this bad run plus not 100% focus, playing wrong, making bad calls, not reading bet sizes, auto pilot, everything bad. I started playing 4/10, but then I reach my peak and started doing spectacular plays 10/10 level.

- mental game 9.5/10. Everything was going wrong... playing bad, running TERRIBLE, **** ... in this situation the normal is play even worse... but somehow I managed to start playing a little better, than a lot better... and in the end I was crushing right left north south.

In a key moment I lost $600 pot with AA x AJJ vs a fish... and in another key moment I lost AA97 vs KJ99 on 3bet pot, 765r, 8x... at this point, the hand was mine, I was ck/calling traping.. river T. max tilt this spot, especially in that key moment of tilt.

- imaginary results: I think I started losing $2k, then recovered $500 and lost another $1k . and in the end won $1k... lost around $1,5k-$2,5k .
Oficial results: 4:52 hour, 5,6k hands, won $50 , AIEV - $1,1k haahahahaha At worst point I was -1,5k... and recovered a lot in the end.

Last 2 days Im losing $2,8k in EV and losing only $400 in real money. Tons of coolers, bad spots, fishs 30% ebetting holding AA when I have AKK deep stack etc. I still very confident and thinking Im the best at 1/2. This last 2 bad days made me more hungry... to eat sharks fishs and whales. Like I want to prove myself that Im the best. Tomorrow I expect a long session, starting early (6pm would be good)... I don't need prove anything, at least not at poker, a game that I always win a lot... but having this bad ev days makes me more motivated to destroy tomorrow. (if I was -2,8k ev and -5k money Id be motivated to burn everything lol)

----------

Im counting days to see March.. 12 weeks ago condom broke with a prostitute and I got scared... now only 1 week left !!!!! I alread tested negative for all stuff after in January, but have to wait 3 months window period to confirm 100% results... jesus only 1 week!!

----------- Not Packed ---------------

Played bad today... but my mental game was very very good.

- skill game: 4/10. Didn't play well... all close decisions I took the wrong decision, all felling spots my guts were wrong. Not bad luck, just bad play. today I admit I was owned. but Its important to say that even playing like I played, Im sure its still a winning style given how soft is 0.5/1 and 1/2.

- mental game : 10/10. Ran terrible, playing bad on a Friday... everything happenned to me go on monkey gorila king kong tilt: running terrible, being owned by pros, fishs being lucky, etc etc... plus my computer sucks and I don't know how to fix, its lagging a lot becaue HM2 and time out/folding hands... it was very annoying seeing this while 20tabling.. while lagging, I was 4betting AKK6, called by AKQ6, to see a flop AQ5r with 1psr... ****.

Extremely tilting plays... I 4bet in 3way AAxx, reg calls... even being lag, my range here is AA heavy... flop is A53r. We are deep... villain lead 50bbs on 100bbs pot... jesus... he is donating money... how he can be so bad.. with 9876 !!!!!!!!!!. turn is 4 off course. Another very tilting situation... Lost 200bbs ebcause I misread my hand, but damn ****** god, so tilting !!!

whatever.. I stayed strong and actually improved my game while losing. Last days were bad at poker, but mental wise Im getting stronger everyday. Off course I will fail one day or another, but Im improving a lot in this area.

Even before play I was a bit pissed... My gym workout wasn't great as I expected. it was good, but not great. Also I woke up late and couldn't go to pool to see the sun... I wanted go to pool today, damn it.

- imaginary results: before this, I will say that Im very proud with how I reacted today...it was a losing day, one of the worst, but I reacted great!!!!! If I keep doing this, I will fix my biggest leak and soon Im rich.
I imagine I lost around $3k... started losing a bunch, maybe hit -4k, and won $1k in the end.
- total results: 5:20hour, 5,7k hands, lost $1,6k, AIEV - $1,6k.

Last 3 sessions were really bad. Im taking a look at HM2 and its incredible how bad Im running... Since last year its the 1st time I lose 3 times in a row -$1,5k EV per session, 3 in a row !!! 500k hands, its the 1st time this happenned... last 2 sessions I tried my best, but I didn't play that good, but wasn't a burning tilting session... counting only 1/2 I have 5 negative EV sessions in a row... this month almost 50k hands at 1/2 with +2evbb and +1bb winrate. so sick... last month 55k hands, +11evbb and +14bb at same game, doing more or less the same stuff.

breakeven last 30k hands... seems it was going to be a great month, but not... my roll is only $8k now, very underolled to play 1/2 for a living, but what I can do.. hope next 2 days I win something.

--------- The Blind Fish ---------

I was reading some stuff about other blogs about poker... And I realized I wasn't being honest with myself. For example, today review hands, I saw a 3bet QJT4ss btn vs co. Not terrible 3bet, but def not the best. By the way, floped flush on A93hhh, check check , turn is A and I lost vs quads. Yes, I ran bad, but I can't change this... Im thinking too much about what I can't change (lucky factor) and not thinking enough about what I can change (how I play).

The truth is: last 3 days I played bad... Why ?

- Auto piloting... Not paying much attention.
- thinking Im the best and will run over everyone, which leads to spew bluffs, bad hero calls etc, spew mode.

Also, my mental state has been bad ... Before this 3 days, I had 80k hands and $17,5k profit. It was Monday, day 19 and I already achieve the money goals for the month plus I paid the most important debt .

So, the month was ''finished'', I was waiting the end of month... well, this is extremely important, actually the most important thing in my life : Last day of February it complete exatcly 90 days since condom broke with a prostitute... Next Friday, 1st March I will be doing the final and conclusive HIV test. And damn god, last 3months has been nerve cracking... actually past month I was ok , but always in back of my mind ''what if....''. In this aspect, January was mixed fellings, 1st week maximum happinnes possible because I got negative test, but then my mind started creating stuff again ''what if''... December was a total mess, I suffered a lot thinking I was going to have HIV for sure. I didn't do anything in December, was sad/anxiety all time because had to wait 1month windor period to test hiv... all I did was sleep, eat (eating bad stuff) and gambling a lot to kill time. It was terrible, and cristmas, my birthday and new years party happenning in that month just made everything even worse... thinking Im dieing and people celebrating...

I have all reasons to think I don't have HIV, I will list that below, but before, theres one reason that makes me scared:

- that girl was a dirty prostitute... street drug addicted who has sex for $40. When I noticed the condom broke, I told her, she smile and said ''lets go without condom, more fun'', LOL, are you ****ing kidding me.................... If she was a normal prostitute who ask for $200, I wouldn't be worried... or even if she was a cheap slut, and reacted being pissed/nervous when the condom broke, Id feel more relief... but her reaction and her looks, obvious she doesn't care about her healthy, either because she is crazy and/or because she is already infected and doesn't matter anymore. by the way she wasn't hot, I could have sex with a girl 100x better than her without paying... Not the 1st time condom broke, but other time was with a random/normal girl and obvious I didn't even think about it, didn't test or anything, was fine all time.

Thats the only reason that Im scared... now, the reasons I should feel fine:

- 17% of prostitutes has HIV. Its probably higher rate in slut street without a place, but its not even close to 100%.

- if, IF, again, I F , she has HIV, its 1 in 2500 that I get hiv from pus ssy... jesus, 1 in 2500, Im not asking too much, am I ?

- When condom broke I was too drunk and horny, put a new one and keep ****ing... Arrive at home, took a shower, started getting sober and I realized ''****, my dick touch that slut pus.ssy... I might got hiv !!!!!'' mind racing, went to hospital... they gave me some meds to take for 28days. I didn't even imagine this meds exist: if you take this meds until 72hours after being exposed to hiv, it reduces in 80% your chance to get infected. 2018, strong tecnology ! I started this meds after 18hours and study says if you take before 24hours its almost 100% efficacy....Plus One doctor told me that I shouldn't take this meds because my sexual active was minimum risky and that this meds are only for high risky ... this give me confidence.

- I didn't have symptoms. 0, nada, nothing ! study says 80% of people who is infected with HIV has symptoms in the 1st-8weeks...

So, everyone, from clueless friends to specialist doctors, everyone saying I don't have it... lets recap: If I got unlucky and that whore has hiv (1 in 5) if, its 1 in 2500 to get hiv ... jesus, 1 in 2500... no symptoms, another 1 in 5. took those powerful meds, 1 in 5 again...

theres one last thing that give me confidence:

- I did test hiv and many other STD 1month after the condom broke. All tests negative... this tests after 1month is 95% accuracy, and some sites says nowadays this tests are almost 100% accurary... Also, the fact I didn't have any other STD, makes less likely to get HIV, because if she was a dirty infected slut like I imagine, she probably would have other stuff... plus other STD are easier to catch than HIV...

So, ya, at this point, its more a mental situation... I mean, its almost impossible... but what if doctors are negligent, if they are bad doctors... ya I don't trust in anyone, god, doctors, nobody... I trust in facts: 3months conclusive test, its the final word!

Ehy man where are you from?

Russia.

---------- Swings -----------

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QrsHsgMpIOU


Poker Session Review

Again started late my session... damn .

- skill game. 8/10. I liked how I played today, really like it. Did some solid folds and not many spew bluffs... I did played one spew hand... I mean... I tried a new play. standard is check fold flop with bottom 2pairs, but blocking everything, I lead trying to make top pair fold. I like this plan. If got called, I give up... but the turn , Im holding the nut blocker, so I keep firing... got called by top set ... meh, actually I don't like this plan, should just cf flop, lead is way too optmisct.

- mental game: 9/10. Session started great winning every hand, then ... ****ing damn it ! A big whale shows up 2tabling 1/2 and just takes all my money... $80 into $1,6k. I lost two $900 pot vs him. During this moment I lost my focus, didn't tilt, but wasn't playing my best during 30 or so minutes. whatever, my mental was strong today. Doensn't matter the hands, the showdown, the equity, when I lose big pots vs 90% vpip whales its always unlucky... obvious, its like, GS Warriors losing vs Phx Suns... but its poker, so yes happens a lot that the Suns being favorite... **** .

- imaginary results: about even.
- total results: 5:35 hour, 5,3k hands, breakeven results and breakeven AIEV. I played well today, games was full of big fishs and I got breakeven even... obv running terrible in setups... damn god, how I can run so bad in a Saturday game with so many clowns !!

Its the 6th session in a row I have a negative EV... My run at 1/2 its been BAD . since Im back to poker, always running bad at this stake... Without doubt Im one of the best at this stake, still very confident, but its sick, after playing 50k hands, Im breakven... part of the game, but damn god ... I mean, the game is VERY easy, thats why Im pissed... if it was hard challenge, like, game full of solid regs, ok, having downswings, breakeven a long period etc, but in THIS game with THIS FISHS, not winning make me very pissed !!! Today I lost 14stacks in 1,5k hands... in a Saturday night with fishs !!!!!!!! hahahaha **** me.

Last 3 sessions were all bad, but found a good thing: last 3 sessions I won $1k in the end in all sessions... its good, shows Im still playng a decent game even when stuck... solid improvement.

already 97k hands this month, tomorrow last session of the month...

-------------- Last Session -------------

Poker Session Review

- skill game: 6/10. Played ok, but nothing special.

- mental game: 6/10. Winning all session... late drop a bit, quit, no big deal.

- Imaginary results: about even.
- total results: 5:46hour, 5,4k hands, won $800, AIEV + $100.

------------- The Legomotive ----------

Month REVIEW:

Mental game and overall mindset its been good, paranoid is leaving my mind ... last time I was stoned was 4months ago (october) .

Since my healthy tests were avaliable I started doing lots of sports, gym 6x/week, didn't skip a single day this year ! Also started running... not following a running program/routine, but will do that in March... In February I start using my bike (cycling), make me tired, but loving it ! Because Im still ''new'' at running and gym, Im saving my energy and not using much my bike, but soon I will be strong and will use bike more often. And last sports, played tenis with my cousin, something I don't do in years... Want start playing tenis 2x week and start swimming too!

Back to poker... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NEJniCCuqR4

- stamina: 10/10. 102hours and 45minutes of poker, 102,8k hands played. Solid. Was almost always enjoying the game, but if I was rich Id have played around 60hours. In the end of month felt a mini burnout... but not much, played 2,7k hands more than goal because was having fun playing it.

Won $16,1k, 11bb, only 7evbb.

- skill: 7/10. I think Im playing well, but off course theres many situations that I can improve. My AIEV this month sucks because I just run too bad... really bad... game full of fishs, sometimes I don't even 3bet standard 3betting hands to invite fishs to hands...

- mental game: 1/10. Almost all month I was strong and lately having mini bad run while 40k hands breakeven my mental game was going from 8 to 10, which is great ofc. But at poker, one bad day can destroy everything... and this happenned. The very 1st day of the month I got tilted, burned $3k... and went for $4k sportbets ! won the $4k bet, but thats the route to going broke . If wasn't for that day, Id give myself 8.5/10.

2nd month in a row I have around $150/hour. Thats good for the stakes Im playing, but not that good as a pro player.

Poker/sports goals I made to February:

... February...
Major goals:

- test hiv 100% conclusive that Im fine. Come on, Im not asking much... its 1 in million... test will be avaliable in last week of february. if this come negative everything else doesn't matter !

Will be testing in last day of month.

- pay $15k to P.

Done !

Poker Goals :

- 100k hands. Its mandatory.

Done.

- $15k profit is 10/10. $10k is 7/10.Less than $10k will be annoying... $5k is 4/10. Less than $5k profit will be hard to acept, but part of the game. Have to remember even being the best its possible to lose !

$16k. Done. but not 100% satisfied... was $17k up with 60k hands, last 40k hands breakeven, breakeven all month at 1/2...


things that I can improve at poker:

- mental game: stop crying, stop complaining !!!

Not even close... running a lot above ev and find stuff to cry... $1k more than goal, and not happy...

- skill game: pay attention at small pots. fold less to cbets. cbet more. stab more at small pots. Overall, be more agressive, fearless style, both pre flop and post flop.. more 3bets, more 4bets. More floats. More hero calls. idk if I will do this while playing underolled with debts to pay...


Not done. Poor, no money , underolled... Will try this after pay last debt AND when have at least $15k bankroll.

------------

Sports.

- sleep schedule. I need improve this... want wake up early, 11am its good. Stop wake up at 1pm.

Not done... actually this was worst than last month... slept around 8hours every night, but going to bed late and wake up 12pm...

- eat a bit better... less salt . less pasta at dinner.

Not done. Will try again in March.

- gym 6x per week. Don't skip a single day.

Done. Loving it ! Stronger everyday !

- running... 5km sub 30minutes, very modest goal, but Im slow runner ! run 3-4x times/week without felling too tired.

Ahhhhhh not done !!! Best 5km time was 34:04. Probably will finish month with 32:30min and 7 total runs. 3x week is 12 runs !!! damn it !

Only run 5 times in February and off course couldn't break the 30min barrier. will run 2x more this week , total 7 runs. My 1st 5km was 35:34min and my 2nd 34:04min. Very slow, but I love it. On Tuesday will run 5km again and goal is 32:30min. On Wednesday will be an easy 4km run 28min just to run and give more muscle to cardio.


-------------------------------------

I start March with $9,2k roll and $3k at bank ($3k is enough for 6weeks). very underolled, ''can't'' have a big downswing.


March goals ! ( almost the same as last month )

Major Goals:

- test hiv negative 100% conclusive. The results will be avaliable in 1st day of March...

- pay $12,5k to P2. Last debt... total debt was over $100k few months ago, $12k is nothing !

Poker Goals:

- 100k hands.

- $15k profit is 10/10. $10k is 7/10.Less than $10k will be annoying... $5k is 4/10. Less than $5k profit will be hard to acept, but part of the game. Have to remember even being the best its possible to lose

* I won't change much or try improve my game this month... will be just a grind machine... after I pay debts and have a good bankroll I will focus on getting better/trying new plays/play more agressive/fearless style.

Sports:

- Sleep schedule: 8hours sleep, wake up at 11am.

- eat better. Less salt, less pasta, going to a doctor specialist in food to eat like an athlete.

- gym 6x week.

- Run 3x week. Run 5km below 28minutes. Run 10km (just complete is already good, doesn't matter time).

- bike twice per week .

- Start swmiming.

- tenis 1x per week.

The games are good with tons of fishs... but its impressive how regs improved. Theres few guys playing very solid at 1/2 . Most regs still terrible, but the top 10 players are strong. This top 10 guys aren't special, but they don't make the mistakes they used to do a while ago...

------------ The Unstoppable Beast -------------

I started this blog because I was pissed and need a place to vent... I was at my worst moments and many bad thoughts in my mind, I just want vomit those thoughts.... My plan was stop writing after paying debts... but Im enjoying this blog and will keep going on here. In last months Im doing lots of sports and writing here about this... so this blog is Poker/Sports nowadays. Today I came here to review my run !!! My goal running for february was 12-16runs and run 5k below 30min, but until yesterday I ran only 5times and the best was 34:04, aiming for ~32:30 in the last run of the month (today).

Before my run review, I want say that my new gym workout is intense and very good. Getting stronger everyday !!! I was thinking people at my gym was clueless and was giving me ''bad'' workout programs, but this time I really like it.I laugh at myself thinking how the **** I can have an opinion on this being clueless about gym workout while they are doing their jobs... but ya I have my opinion ... its like a 90vpip fish saying I play bad poker...

RUN REVIEW:

I was felling my right knee slight sore... it was 6/10 sore on Sunday, because all legs / bike / running last week... My body still didn't adjust to my new life. But only 1/10 sore today.. Because of that, I almost didn't run today... the wise decision would be not run. But I love running... My plan: run some meters, if hurts, stop. If doesn't hurt, run 5km below 33:00 is already good because your knee aren't 100% .

In the 1st meters I already felt my right knee... wasn't hurting at all, but it was a signal that my leg wasn't 100% fine. I keep running....at 500meters, I was like ''I might get injuried if I keep running... '' which leads me to think '' if Im going to be injuried, lets run the most possible ! '' LOL @ my thinking process.

Im 8 or 80.... almost always 8... but sometimes 80. Normal people thought process: ''I might get injuried. Ok, I will stop''. idiot people ''ok, so I will run faster !'' This mindset is part of my personality in my life and often leads to bad result... once in a while leads to amazing results, but in the long run, not worth. I don't have brake... that important pedal to balance speed. it took me years to realize that haha.

At 500m listening https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZk_i6fWn94

'' **** it, will run 5km 30minutes !!!!!!!!!!!! ''

The 1st km wasn't that hard and I felt like Id be able to complete 5km below 30min.

It becames really hard in the middle around 2,5k mark and extreme hard 10/10 level at 3km. I started thinking about giving up, pace went down... but like a warrior I recovered my pace. The last km I was extreme tired, but as always the hardest km for me isn't the last, because mental wise ''Im almost there... I will make it''. while before the last km Im like ''so tired... still have a long way to finish... ''

Last 2km I was suffering... very strong mental to make this total time 30:19 !!!!!!!!! incredible happy and satisfied !!!! I went from 34:04 to 30:19, almost 4minutes less in a day !!!!!!!! This made me really happy !! I hope Im not injuried tomorrow, but being realisct, I will probably be. Anyway, recovering my good shape... If Im not injuried, soon I will be running 10km !!!

ps: As I said several times in this post, Im very happy with my running results today... but Im aware that this results aren't good, even for an amateur runner this is slow. Keep in mind that I only ran 5km twice in 2018 and in all my life I guess I ran 5km ~15times . 10k only twice in life... Im a begginer and smoke a lot for more than a decade . because of that Im very proud !!! In 2months I will be running 5km below 30min withouth much effort Im sure. The title of this posts sounds like Im going to write about Usain Bolt haha.

https://www.runnersworld.com/tools/age-grade-calculator

This site says 5km 30:19min is faster than 43% of male runners at 20-30years old. I need run 5km faster than 26min to be faster than 50% of my age group 20-35years old. My new running goal is run 5km faster than 26min !!! Will take some months... and 10km in 53min to be faster than 50% male runners... New goal for december 2018: run 10km below 53min !!!

by the way, The fastest guy in the world runs 10km in 26:40min... jesus... its like, HOW its possible... when I see Messi playing, I think its very hard and if I try 1000 times I might do it once... if I try run 10km in 26:40min, if I can run for 30 years, If I try 1million times I don't think i will be able to do it... so sick how pros are so fast.

good! Stay health but don't push too far

------------ Anxiety -------------

Here I am, felling the maximum anxiety I have ever experienced, and I remember you... the songs we used to listen... Im listening right now, but sober... alone.... where are you Hashsh ? This moments you just fit perfect . actually that fit all moments haha. now this would help me right now...

I just did my 3month hiv test, which is the last test and 100% conclusive result. I did test at 13pm, result will be avaliable soon... and theres one idiot who put ''aids'' at his title in this poker goals blogs... I enter and read that...must be a signal... fml . I wasnn't felling good during test... parking my car, I got odd number, last number 1 ... I asked to change and the guy gave me 1402, solid number to give me lucky.

All I need is a negative result. And I swear to myself (god don't exist), if good result, I will do maximum best possible with my life from now, no regret, stop complaning about little things, and also stop complaning about big things too, lucky unlucky, whatever, just be happy always... stop crying over things I missed, stop crying over things I did too much....................will be a good turning point: just turned 30years , will do everything possible that I want !!!

I told few friends about this, they don't understand... ''you are fine, look at the odds, its almost impossible, doctors said they are sure you are fine, don't worry... '' same my father tells me... but ****, WHAT IF .............. also I don't trust doctors... because what iffffffffffff.........

One thing that makes this worse is HOW I will see the result. Its green (good result) or red (bad result)... yes or no, alive or dead ! tons of anxiety... this remembers me when I used to bet all money I had in one game.

at sportbets, in games that I bet everything in a single game. have to win or don't know what happens if lose. I love watching many diferent sports, but when its a game that its all my money (''my life'' ), I don't watch.... each 5-10min Im going to see the time... 3pm, game start. 3:10, see ''1st quarter, 7:30 left''. don't see result. and keep going only seeing the time. this reduce the anxiety... end of 1st quarter. See my team points... and make a range: 12-16 is terrible, 17-19 medium, 20-23 ok, 24+ awesome. 30+ orgasm. see my team result... ''11 points''. worst quarter possble... but not dead !!!! go see other team result... and theres still 2nd, 3rd, 4th quarter... this prepares you to the worst... its not a yes or no in a heart bat...

now, no, its green or red, nothing in the middle, and its actually all my life... jesus...