-------------- The Lucky Clown -------------------

Im an idiot... Its hard to believe in the things I do... its fun, but jesus lol Now I calm down, adrenaline is gone, I ask myself... how the **** I was gambling at those stakes given my money situation ?? Actually... lets be honest: this is the best felling ever !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

With $3,3k I busted... Tried play poker, sat to play zoom 0.25/0.50 and 0.5/1, but it was obvious I should take few days to relax before play. Running terrible + wrong mindset = disaster. The last bucks I cashout and lost at casino... desperate, I bought $2k... This $2k it was $700 I had in bank and $1,3k friend outside poker loan me... its a bit diferent when a rich guy who plays $5k pots everyday send me $, and when someone who work 9-5 job loan me $1,3k, a good of his salary. it wasn't a money to gamble or play poker, it was food money !!!! And I lost this $2k ... **** **** **** ! this should never ever happen... Started asking money to everyone, very desperate, like a poor junky, more or less like homeless crack user . I thought it was impossible get more loans, never thought this could happen, but got lucky in find this friend who sent me $10k. I had 0, nothing... having this $10k means the world to me.

Guess what I did with this money ? Sporbets obvious! But cautious... deposited only $2k.

Start betting $2k at NCAA and won $1,6k. Then lost a ridiculous handball game, finished day with $2350 at sports, but felling rich because wouldn't be starving next weeks. Before sleep, I thought about my situation and decided I was quitting this gambling . Im poor, and the reason is gambling too much . I cashout $2350. But 1min later I decided: wait, cashout tomorrow, lets see if you cashout when you are with clean head.

Woke up and still in bed saw good handball games.. No cashout, I made solid bets , won most of my bets, ran it up to $6k. Then I bet $1k in a perfect game, in couple minutes my +17.5 was +9.5 and I was thinking ''damn it, Im good at this. I have the skill to read the games... Maybe I should try go pro again'' . It was a locked win, no way I could lose. I wasn't happy because felling weak, regret for betting only $1k in a perfect game. This felling sucks... win and not happy . and boooom.... game finsihed 25 goals diference, I was destroyed, but I didn't tilt , I was felling relief, like ''ok, now you quit, because this **** doesn't have logic, plus 17% rake... and this game proves you know nothing about sports''. $3k up in the day, time to cashout your $5k and focus at poker.

But a pretty good game shows up... NCAAW team 11-0 w-l was being destroyed, at this game Im sure bet365 made a wrong read in the game and gave 7.5 points edge to leading team... I bet $2,5k at +7.5, and same felling ''should bet everything in this game... its perfect''. But I didn't because I remember what happenned in the +17.5 minutes before that... This time was diferent and was an easy win, game finished 43 points diference. Again, my plan was cashout, but again good games shows up....

NCAAW, 2 bad teams. +18.5 to away team. I bet $1k at +17.5 with that felling ''should bet everything''. I don't want go busted... Games looks good, away team is losing 15 x 17, I put $1k more at +14.5... and I couldn't resist, bet $1kto away team win the game with 11.00 odds. . And another $1k at +12.5 . $4k total... At that point, espn was giving +1.5 to away team. I wanted bet everything at this 11.00 to win the game, but the problem is: espn site had wrong scores... while bet365 said away team was losing 9 x 14, espnwas saying game was 14 x 10 to losing team. If espn was 100% right...

1st half finished with away team losing 28 x 29 . good ! We weren't destroyed. Seems my +17.5 and +14.5 was big favorite to win, +12.5 also looks good. 3rd quarter finished with away team LEADING by 7 points 52 x 45 OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!! Solid 4th quarter and we won by 14 points hahahaha

Biggest game for me in 2017, won $12,7k in this game. Also best day in 2017 for me, overall $16,5k up.

I had 0 at bank. 12 hours ago I was wondering how I would buy food... When I say 0 at bank, its actually -150, I was in the red... I went to backery, bought bread, milk, magazine, $20, my debit card didn't pass.... (credit card worked fine... have $1k / month credit card) , but lol, very poor.

Cashing out some money and paying debts too... and more gambling on Sunday, hopefully its a big day and I win a lot again !

ps: While I write this , Gonzaga#15 is losing by 5 points with 12:30min left in the 2nd half. Game started Gonzaga -30.5 . Not betting in this game, not felling it, but jesus, epic if Gonzaga loses ....

Im only playing HU with you if you are a big fish No reason to play vs reg at small/medium stakes... this games are full of fishs.

ps: NCAA gonzaga game went to Overtime. SICK ! Overtime started with Gonzaga -5.5... huge favorite !

Im using espn site to see more info about NCAA and NCAAW , but doesn't seems a decent site.

Always give more % to the worst team. Right now Eastern Washington @ Purdue, handcap -19.5 and espn give only -1.5 Purdue. Exatcly like yesterday at the epic game I won $13k. Main reason I bet $1k at 11 yesterday was the espn site... but seems they do this with every game lol.

Need study at other sources.

By the way, just woke up and already winning $1,5k. Sweet going to breakfast being 1.5k up. solid basket and handball... Im in love with this handball strategy. Works very often .

------------------ Where are my Balls ---------------

I lost them...


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Jae...1Rhsi&index=13

Remember the movie "The Big Short'', history about few guys who saw a huge mistake in Wall Street and got millionaire... as my hero Mr Pelayo says ''if Nasa Rockets fails, if Swiss watchs has flaws.... sportbooks will make mistakes''.

The game was NCAA Savanah St @ Baylor#21. Started -31.5, and at -50.5 I saw a good bet, I put $1k at +50.5 (genius bet going at + in this game), Im proud of this bet size. 1min later another $1k at +49.5, again, thats not ok... should be $2k more. After 1st half its +46.5... and again I bet only $1k. Should bet $5k total in this game, maybe $10k. No, $10k would be way too much, but $5k would be decent ... I was seeing it, very very good at +46.5, but pros making the odds are watching the game, how I could know more than they ? I bet total $3k at this game. But damn god, how I can be confident at something that pros are saying the oposite ? Im just an amateur... thats hard. If I was a pro too, Id trust my guts and go all in at oposite...

1min left to finish game @Baylor and my team is losing by 30 points, easy win...

$4k up at this moment, but not happy with my actions... there is a handball running right now, and later more basket games, NFL ... day not finished yet.

------------ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2lqdErI9uss --------------

The Title today is a song... MONEY TALKS ! I love this song and also love the message ''money talks''.

Today I played 2/4 after a long time and felt scared.. Its curious... Im betting everyday $1k per game, sometimes $2k, and right now while I write this blog I have $1,4k handball game running. And I get scared playing 2/4 ... hahahaha Must be a joke, scared money playing 2/4... no, its true. I played ''locked'', not my style. Its curious because shouldn't feel big...

One fun thing is thinking 2/4 regs will read my soul hahaha. Felt scared, but also felt pretty good, its nice to have this felling again, climbing the poker mountain again... and obvious, 2/4 regs still the same, will crush them. Theres few guys playing really good and its impressive, but most are normal players.

Im very tired, played 7k hands session... Ran terrible !!!!!!!! lost $800, AIEV at +$200, but could be up a lot more... I hate playing poker and gambling at sports at same day... I did this today, and feels akward... tilt easy.Tmorrow is cristimas and I don't like much my family, plus Im not in good state of mind overall, will be a sad day for me. I shouldn't go sleep at 8am like Im going to do... damn it. But the games were very good, if games keep like that I will stop playing 0.5/1 and will focus on 1/2zoom and 1/2-2/4 normal tables. Maybe its just holidays, but if 1/2 is always like this.... jesus, what a soft game. Tables were so easy that I didn't stop do have a dinner... ita 6:30am and Im going to eat my dinner now jaja.

***, I hate cristimas. And I love poker... it felt great playing today, couldn't enjoy much because was running bad and not confortable with stakes. Its been 2-3weeks since I didn't play a long poker session... nice .

ps; the account Im using at bet365 will be limited soon...3rd account limited in last 2months. HAHA. its annoying, but being limited at bet365 is my degree at sportbets! Im beating a game with 17% rake. A game that everyone says it sucks... Still able to bet on this account, but $1k bets in non-major leagues aren't going fast like it was before, they acept $200-$400 and the rest the ''analist'' see it and almost always its aproved, but not always...... If I insist and bet again, it works. This happenned in other 2 accounts, in 1 week I will be limited to bet $3 per game . The best part is turning my addiction and something that I love in making money .

----------------- New Life -------------

Last weeks were terrible... by far the 2nd worst 5 week spam in my life.

I thought I was gonna die OMG. went to 3 doctors, all of them said it was almost impossible to something bad happens to me, that was ok, but Im the unluckiest guy in this planet !!! thats why I didn't relax, my paranoid thoughts skyrocketed ...as mr pelayo says, ''if swiss watch has flaws, if nasa rockets explodes.... everything is possible''. I started making theorys in my head and all of them was with me with terminal disaese.

I couldn't celebrate cristmas or new year eve because of that. Imagine you are scared of airplanes... you talk with the pilot and co-pilot and all airplane staff, everyone says its impossible your flight explode, but you still think its possible that a disaster can happens, even if its 1 in 4million... imagine your flight is 840hours trip (5weeks)...

I lost 5 weeks of my life suffering a lot, but after I see this negative exam I won a new entire life. As everyone says: when you face a huge problem, you stop complaing about little things and get happier. I didn't face a huge problem, but in my crazy mind it was a huge problem, looks like a real death case. Before exame results, I made plans: plan A If a miracle happenned and I got sick Id became a serial killer that kills hookers. Plan B if you are ok, after this you will live your life to the best possible, maximum effort to achieve everthing you want, don't forgot your problems, but conquer them! Forget your regrets, after all, you are healthy, alive, head full of hair with decent body at 30years old !!!! NICE ! Im 30 years old felling 18. Very happy !!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9n5G0qFBsHM

By the way, gambling help me a lot during last 5 weeks, if I lost, Id get pissed with gambling and ''forget'' my health problems, if I win, well, its a win.

I promissed if results became good, Id focus on poker... one of my big regrest in life is gambling like I did. Don't get me wrong, I love gambling, but betting everything on that its a regret. Only because I lost, if I won, Id be proud haha.

One of my plans if result became good was $5k bet to celebrate. Once I saw the result, I thought... ''come on, do it everything the best you can, and you know that betting $5k in this game isn't the best you can do. Take this money and go play poker. If you want gamble, take this $5k and take a shot at 25/50''. I decided no gambling, only doing solid good right things, but $1k bet to celebrate was something that I deserve. Bet $1k at 2.15 West Ham to win vs West bro Premier league.

go go Hammers ! Game started 0x1.... **** !!!! Got a little pissed ''how Im so unlucky'', but quickly remember Im alive and won't complain about little things... Andy Carrol scores 1x1 at 60min and at 93min he scores again 2x1 GO HAMMERS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Awesome ! But my stupid mind remembers me: idiot, you should have bet $5k .... whatever. Won $1k and 1st time in my life Im taking a break from gambling after a winning streak.

I cashout everything from sporbets site and put everything at poker site.

RECAP from gambling season, not 100% accurate because don't remember well, but I won around $55-60k last 2months gambling. I was total busted, both at life and poker roll.

epic moments, most memorable bets:

- Illinois ST NCAA $1,9k bet to win $6k profit. If I had lost this game, Id be busted, it was crazy bet. If this didn't work, nothing would happens...

- Memphis NCAAW, $3k bet handcap and $1k bet with 11 odds to win the game. $13k profit.

- worst day was losing $21k. half sports, half casino. 2 or 3 days after my worst day I had the best day of the year winning $18k at sports (Memphis day).

- Losing bets that most hurt was a Portugal handball game only $1k bet but it was a locked win... couldn't believe I lost it. Also NCAA game that my team was leading by 12handcaps with 6minutes left. And another basket game, my team was leading by 20handcaps with 13minutes left and lost by 1 point with other team doing 2/2 FT in last second (team was 45% ft). This day I kicked my phone in the wall lol. I had lost $5k NCAAW game and some $5k roulete bets, those hurt, but not much.

I think I found a way to be a winner at sportbets, but betting trying to win isn't that fun... have to follow way too many games. I like to bet and pray ! Also I love poker and my edge at poker is good, thats why Im taking a break from sports.

Paid a bit of my debts, now I have $27k roll and have enough $ to pay debts until February. Debts are still big, but manageable with everyone being aware about my situation, they are ok. Spent $2k with hospital/doctors. Also my mother is back to my town and I had to give her something ($1k) .

$27k roll, holy **** !!!!!! top roll! Will be playing 0.5/1 up to 2/4. Poker goals this month is play 100hours. I want $15k profit, but $10k Im happy.

After 5 weeks, today Im back to gym and to running !!!!!! My goals at gym is get stronger and fit. My goals at running is run 10k below 1hour. My personal record at 5km is 27:07minutes and I only ran 10k distance 2 or 3 times in my life, Im a begginer at running and still slow. I want run 10k below 50min still in 2018. And maybe run a marathon, its on my mind, but not a goal.

----------- The Locomotive is Back ------------

finally back to my lovely routine. Gym, Ran, Poker...

My plan was play during afternoon, but today I really wanted play poker... I shouldn't play with things to do after play because when I do this my mindset isn't in the perfect zone.

But I did it anyway. Won't do this mistake again, but damn it, I really wanted play!!! The session wasn't that good, I finished even with EV at +$400. I made small mistakes because I need get reads on players and after that I adjust pretty well. Also Im new at 2/4, I have to make wrong plays to understand how they are playing nowadays. And good news: they aren't doing anything that I can't understand.... the things they do and I can't understand are terrible plays without reason lol.

By the way, my run at 1/2 is terrible. Last 10k hands Im 30 stacks below ev. Pathetic. Im doing good at 2/4, and not good at 0.5/1. The main reason is variance/luck, but I think Im not paying much attention at 0.5/1 and also taking some gambling spots that are close, but -ev. ''its only $50...'' no, its 50bbs, thats a lot ! Need pay more attention on this !

--------

The reason I come to write is to talk about running/gym/exercise, but got excited with poker and wrote a lot more than I expect. its amazing loving the game again... playing 2/4 is making good for my mindset, Im enjoying play like old times.

After 5 weeks Im back doing sports ! Took a break because I thought I was going to die, paranoid, demons flying around my mind.

I like exercising and I was proud about going, all good, but its so sick how I felt so weak... lifting way less weight and been tired.

Same at running... my goal was run 3km, maybe 4km if I was felling good, after 300meters I realized 3km would be my maximum , but had to stop at 2,5km becuase I was VERY tired. My pace? 7:30minutes per KM. hahahaha pathetic!!!!!!! 7:30min pace and not running 3km, thats a shame !!

Actually I could run 3km, I also could lift more weights, but I didn't want give my maximum because it was the very 1st day, going slow to prevent injury .

I expect huge progress in next 4 weeks. At gym I want bench press 60k... Thats my record, I know , thats ridiculous, but I started few months ago and Im proud if I do 60kg. At running I want run 5k below 30min in february, my personal record is 27:07. before 1st semester ends I want run 10km below 50min .

This year I will focus hard on sports/exercise... not only because I want get fit, but mostly because Im loving doing this things. Its a new thing for me, hard to believe its me saying this lol.

By the way, Im 189cm 93kg. skinny fat.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kd9TlGDZGkI

------------ Alive -------------

Yesterday was the day the final exam result about my health would be avaliable. 2 doctors said I was ok and that was almost impossible I have something, but had to wait this 2nd exam. It was 99,99999%, but the 0,1% was terrible.My mind wasn't good... was enjoying my time at gym, having fun at pool, beautiful day , but back of my mind I was like ''Im huge favorite to be alive, but what IF.... '' .

Anyway, after 5 weeks suffering a LOT mentally, after the 1st result that gave me 99,99%, I finally started doing normal things like gym, run, poker, pool etc . I also stop gambling last 3 days, the key day was the exam 3 days ago.

Yesterday was the day to confirm. I was looking at internet all day waiting to see result, and every ****ing time tons of anxiety and ''still not avaliable''. everytime I was remembering how I feel checking results from my huge bets, it was similar, but this time was (literally) my life !

Went to gym, pool, beautiful day, and lunch. I wasn't ready - mentally - to play poker ebcause waiting exams , but sat to play anyway. Few minutes into the session, lost internet conection... exatcly in a big pot where I have QQ on Q93 3way pot. **** . ''Im so unlucky...'' internet signal was showing 100%, so I was waiting to auto-reconect... meanwhile, I went at my phone to see if exam result were avaliable and WEEEEEEEEEEE 100% alive !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!! OMG ! happiest ever.

Internet didn't reconect, I couldn't play my top set, I was probably losing 1 or 2k in the day, but lol, **** everything, maximum happy level, nothing stop me today. I thought about going out to celebrate , but I really wanted to play poker. Called internet company, they say I lost internet/tv because I didn't pay last month. I had 0 at bank in the day and they couldn't process the payment... haha. I paid and 10minutes later I had tv and internet working well.

Back to poker, sat every table from 1/2 to 2/4, doens't matter who was posting blinds, how many tables or if I was losing, Id play ! This didn't work well hahaha. off course, tons of table plus starting tables hu with many good players...

At one point I was on 12 or 14 6max tables 1/2 and 2/4 and 6 hu tables , 4tabling vs someone who plays high stakes and 2tabling vs normal reg. Im new to 2/4, didn't play those stakes in years, so thats a big game for me. I like to start playing everyone at new stakes to losen up my mind and don't be worried to play big pots, or to make hero calls/bluffs. if I just table select I feel locked...its not the best for my bankroll, but its the best for my mindset.

Results were -4k at 2/4, AI EV -4,5k (-3k starting tables vs top pros). I didn't play well overall, but in many spots I played well.. probelm was way too many tables + hu tables too. Anyway, I liked playing and from what I saw I think I can beat this guys, even the top reg, I think I could beat him. I made few gambling raises because I was happy... lol

I Ran terrible at 2/4... way too bad. 4bet pots they floped sets a lot vs me ... Its good to run bad and keep playing improvemnet. Talking about bad run... at 1/2 in last 11k hands Im 35buy ins below ev WTF. That would drive me nuts months ago, but now I have a solid roll and Im healthy, nothing tilts me anymore. or al

After the action slow down at 2/4, I bet $600 twice at casino, lost both, and went play 25/50. Wasn't a tilting decision, but I don't think Id be there if I was winning ...or maybe I was tilting and don't want admit ...... anyway, was -6k and wasn't pissed, losing wasn't hurting.

Very short session at high stakes because I wanted book a win and I ran hot. Its nice playing this stakes because winning 30bb pot already feels good ! I didn't play well, ran hot, but again, felt I could play at that level... people say this stakes are very hard nowadays, but everyone has the same amount of cards, some are more lucky, but in the end, its the same, nobody can do magic with cards. With decent bankroll and good mindset, I think I can play regular there too. Play big pots at poker is so enjoyable...

finished day ALIVE and +$100. MIndset at perfect zone and used to big pots... now playing 1/2 anbd 2/4 is impossibel to tilt. I expect I will crush hard next weeks at poker and at everything else. Happiest ever!!!

------------------- The Locomotive ----------------

Played 9hours straight... 9k hands. Won 46stacks. Total + $7,8k, destroyed everyone at 1/2. Its my 2nd or 3rd best session ever counting buy ins.

Again playing 2/4 vs anyone who was willing to start tables. Im starting to feel more confortable and more confident... My results at 2/4 are bad at this moment, and I don't think I have an edge vs top 2/4 regs, but they also don't have an edge vs me. They aren't making mistakes... but not doing anything super good. And theres some really weak regs at 2/4. Not common, but they are there too.

SESSION REVIEW

- skill 7/10. didn't play great. Just ran good. Most impressive thing I did today was focus and stamina to play 9hours with decent game play.

- mental 7/10. After surving last 5weeks I don't think I will be tilted soon... but can't give me a 10 because I was often thinking ''fml, Im so unlucky''. I didn't realized I was winning a lot... I thought I was up $500 or somethng like that lol.

To celebrate... a song that Im listening a lot lately https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_O3wgiymXg


for the next days I expect more and more winnings. A disaster can happen because its me in the comand, but its rare.

ps: wednesday I ran 2,5km in in 18:40min and my legs are still sore now ! LOL. In 1month I will be running 5km under 30min and next day my legs will be 100% .

----------------- The Locomotive ----------------

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EjdDb7T23oc

Played another session that gave me more confidence. This session, I didn't like how I played... most of time I was 22tabling auto piloting, many times I time out... didn't concentrate, didn't focus 100%, I was tired, forcing to play more and more and even in this situation I won ...

Talking about forcing to play, motivation etc, I read cumicon history, very impressive, inspiring me a lot to focus and play maximum volume possible ! I always lack in this stuff, about professional aproach...

Session Review

- skill 5/10. I played average... normal. Could play better than today. Also folded too much, not focus... tired etc.

- mental 8.5/10. Lost some sick pots vs fishs... losing is part of the game and I acept, what drive me nuts is losing vs ridiculous hands, those miracles that shouldn't happen... and this happenned fairly often today . Plus I was very tired, last 48hrs I played 17,5k hands... and Im dealing with this very good.

results: won $4k. aiev $5,7k. 8k hands.

What I didn't like about this session is I wasn't enjoying ... I love playing poker, but today I forced myself to play more and more... didn't have fun doing this. anyway, tomrrow will do the same, but will try fix this mistakes:

- focus 100% of time.

- play the best possible every hand.

- 5k hands minimum.

-------------- Demons -------------

damn it !!!!!!!!! My paranoid mind is back.... again I think I have something, even exams says Im fine. Doctors said no reason at all, one doctor said she is 100% sure Im 100% healthy, still, this ****ing demons flying around my head, I can't feel good... It feels like Im the chosen one to be the 1st human in the world that doctors will find a disease... Im almost sure Im OK, but maybe... what IF... what IF.... damn it ! doctors say to me ''I have never see a case like that''... what if Im the 1st ? Then I go at internet searching for symptoms for x or y and if a minimum symptoms matchs I already think I have a death sentence. I recognize isn't rational, I just lost my mind..................... I wasn't like this... I was very calm person who didn't care about things... I don't know why I changed. I suspect its because disaster that happenned years ago or years of drugs changed something in my brain that control the anxiety. Or maybe both.

Its very frustrating how I let this stuff get the best of me... people look at mmy life and might think ''this guy has a perfect life'' because Im smart, good looking (not handsome, but above average), but this mental issues don't let me enjoy my life in many moments........

My plan was play lots of poker today (sunday), but with this problem in my mind, I won't play... actually I might stop playing for few days/weeks. I don't know what Im going to do. Im so frustrated.

At least I played in Friday and Saturday the amount of hands that I planned to play until Sunday, so Im not lacking volume from my original plan... but I have been playing so good, the games are soft in January...

1st week of January .



Im proud of everything I did at poker in this 1st week. Good volume, very good winrate, ok mindset and the most important thing: running well helps. This graph shows how variance is huge at this game... I believe that most pros understimate how luck factor makes a huge diference in their lifes...

10k hands I was breakeven, losing a bit. Then next 10k hands I win 70buy ins. lol.

Few days ago I was complaining about 0.5/1 results, this is my lowest stake and a game that Im dominant... I thought my bad results were because not paying attention in those tables, auto piloting, and after 1 full week my results at this tables are back to normal, good to see I fixed this. Im still auto piloting, but Im doing this in a good way.

Nothing to do... killing time until its tomrrow so I can talk with my doctor and hopefully he will say he is sure Im fine. will watch some tv series, but before, I was reading about poker and found some inspiring threads.

https://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/1...style-1696548/

https://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/1...y-pgc-1686775/

the 1st one is very inspiring because his motivation and his volume. Plus I like a lot how he still motivated to play a game that many say its dieing (sng) and he still make a very good profit from that.

2nd thread is a reg who plays similar stakes than me. Not fan of his thread, but I love this post, that I will copy so I remember and re-read .



''

I chose to just put it in terms of big blinds because the mix of 100-500z makes the swings look arbitrarily big/small. I haven't played 100z since like June I think. The vast majority of this graph is at 200z with probably around 25k hands of 500z.

You'll notice a near 50BI downswing in there which was pretty sick. I had never been on such a large downswing, which in itself is quite lucky given that variance calculators indicate that this isn't that uncommon. I was talking to a player better than me during that downswing and he told me that he had actually been on three ~50BI downswings. It was just especially brutal because the first 20 or so BI of this downswing was at 500z.

It's crazy how as a poker player you think you have a strong understanding of variance, but even most of us likely don't fully grasp it as well as we should (me included). Riding the emotional swings, both up or down, is something I'm certainly guilty of. I haven't found a way to shut it down completely. One thing that I'm proud of though is that I can quite confidently say that losing a bunch doesn't affect my play (by no means do I mean to imply that I don't make mistakes). However, my mental game can still be improved.

The biggest reason that I get frustrated during losing stretches is ego. I've always been hyper-competitive in everything, and I think this has been, for the most part, advantageous with poker. It's easy to find motivation to study and get better. I'm excited whenever I find a spot that I realize I don't understand well. I've also enjoyed playing in the 500z pool with world-class players like OTB, MMA, and probably a few others that I'm forgetting. This also rings true for guys that may not play the highest stakes, but are undoubtedly crushing 500z. However, this same competitiveness and ego-driven motivation is a detriment when it subconsciously creates entitlement. It's easy to feel (whether consciously or subconsciously) as if you're "above" playing 200z. This is an absolutely futile thought and one that I'm embarrassed to admit that I've had plenty of times at some level. Nobody is above playing any stake, and nobody is too good to forego variance and play the stakes that they feel they should. I'm also in no position to evaluate my own game without incredible bias. While my winrate is good and I've had success at 200z, this doesn't mean I deserve to just move up. Even if we assume that I'm one of the top regs at 200z (which I'm sure some would contest), there are still a plethora of regs that are vastly stronger than me at 500z.

The other night I had a chat with another really strong player (different from the one mentioned before). He's probably the best player I know and the conversation was incredibly motivating. He's had a tough stretch recently, one that trumps mine by a long shot just given stakes, even though he is undoubtedly +EV in the games he plays. If someone that strong can have such a brutal swing and find the motivation to keep grinding and improving, then I've got nothing to feel entitled about.

I'm not worried the least bit by how many superior regs there are at 500z, I'm excited by the challenge. I'm confident in my game and the improvements I've made recently. I'm even more confident in my ability to work hard and improve. I can get so much better, and I will.

''

------------ Plans -------------

Yesterday I talked with doctors and both said Im 100% fine. Ok, great.

Felling good, I sat to play poker and played a very long session, 9,5k hands in 9hours. And this session killed me... Its sick how sometimes Im so strong and confident and so little already hurt me...

I lost $1,6k with AIEV at -1,1k and felt like a fish... This EV is ''wrong'' because they floped way too many sets in 4bet pots against my aces.

But to be honest, I also was owned in some hands.

Theres 3 specific hands... one hand that I bluff for 300bbs at 1/2, very big pot. I don't do this often, I think my play is good, and from his side, its not a bad play at all, he had the best calldown hand possible, but still, its not a spot where people bluff. Locked board, my play shows strenght all streets , flop was 3 way with one short stack, which makes my range even stronger. meh, even w his hand, if I was in his shoes I might find a fold because flop was 3way with one short stack gambling player.

the 2nd hand was a medium size pot at 2/4 where I c/c all streets and villain bet pot river in a spot that ''nobody'' bet full pot with his hand, I called with good hand, but worst than his, felt owned because of his size. This hand almost put me on tilt, because happenned while I was running terrible and despiste being owned by his size, on flop I was 95% favorite.

3rd hand, I bluff all in on river with a medium hand and villain calls with worse hand, lol. He is a good player and Id also call in his spot.

The only good thing from yesterday session was my mindset... I give me 9.5/10 for mindset. And 6/10 for my skill game. Its hard to keep confident while for 10k hands they flop the goods and you always have hands to continue, or every good bluff spots they have hands etc .

I ran terrible, lost very big pots and 0 tilts. good !!!!! If I keep doing this, the world will be mine .

After writing this, I feel a little better, and actually happy with how I played.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WkYIrj03fso

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w6r4E514nJg

---------------

Anyway, I changed my plans and decided my very 1st goal is pay my debts. I mean, pay debts it was always my 1st goal, but given my deals with the guys sometimes Id try play higher stakes before paying everything.

The thing is, Im so close to pay the biggest debt... and playing at 2/4 , the players are good, theres a chance I go in a losing streak, variance etc. I REALLY want pay debts , I don't want get tilted for losing 20 or 30stacks at 2/4... and at 0.5/1 and 1/2 Im almost invencible...

My 2/4 journey was short, but I will be back for sure. Results doesn't say much because sample size... Played 7k hands with $1,9k winnings and +$600 AIEV. Played everyone, started tables with strong players and felt I was at their levels, thats very nice. Also saw players who plays up to 10/20 doing some mistakes that I didn't expect.

So, why I quitting 2/4 ? Because I want finish my debts for sure, 0 chances of variance or tilting situation. I have been on debts for years and now Im so close...

Sent some chips to one guy who I hate but had to pay him anyway (off course), and sent 23k to friend who gave me a loan in many many situations... now I owe only $15k to P, $1,3k to J, $2k to S and $12,5k to P2. I really want pay $15k to P... he never puts pressure, actually the oposite, always help etc, but this debt has been going for years, will feel pretty good paying him . $2k and $1,3k are very small debts and for friends outside poker, its a bit diferent. $12,5k can wait ''forever''.

Anyway, will be playing only 0.5/1 and 1/2 until pay everything .

No poker for me today, will play 5k hands on Wed, no poker Thrusday and 20k hands between Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

----------------- Why Im So Unlucky --------------

Another really bad session...

Lost 22stacks at 0.5/1 in 4k hands. Thats so sick !!!!!!! Acording to poker variance calculator the worst possible for me is losing 23stacks... jesus, so sick! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its the worst session at 0.5/1 I have ever played... at least in this database (350k hands at 0.5/1). How someone with 15bb can lose 23stacks in 4k hands... this game is so sick, honeslty, sometimes I truly hate this. Because the lucky factor is huge...

Also played 4k hands at 1/2 and again nothing worked... game full of fishs, but they hitting 1 ****** out , how I can win.

Total 8,7k hands played, lost $2,7k AIEV at -800. Ridiculous, ****ing ridiculous . If it was a hard game with lots of good regs, ok, I Acept, but game full of fishs... fukcing jesus !!!!!!!!!

- skill game: 7/10. I actually played ok. I checked my stats, its exatcly the same than the day I won 46buy ins.

- mental game 10/10. Didn't tilt... got very frustrated and pissed, but didn't make a single tilting 3bet/4bet. Nice. Im proud of this.


What is making me crazy is running so ****ing terrible exatcly after the day I paid tons of debts... had only 10k roll, after this terrible session Im sitting on 7,3k, which is very short to play 1/2.. also I have only $1k at bank, will have to cashout... F U C K , I always run bad when I can't... when I can run bad, I run ok. I hate my lucky! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

----------------- Recovering --------------

Played another session.. Today my goal was ''not lose a lot''. Last 2 days was terrible, yesterday was one of the sickest days ever in terms of running bad - lost 25stacks without any tilt - , today my mind wasn't very good, so I just wanted not lose, maybe win a little...

Session started like last 2 days, everything going against me, and when I thought I had the goods and was slowplaying, they had top set with redraw, LOL thats pathetic.

SESSION REVIEW

- 5,8k hands , won $176, AIEV +$86 . At one point I was losing $1,3k... winning a little sounds great !

The games wasn't that good... all tables had at least 1 fish, but wasn't a fish festival like 1 week ago. Seems regs are back from holidays...

- skill: 7/10. I did few mistakes, I like how I played. Could be a little more agressive in some hands...

- mental game: 9/10. Doing great, even with my personal issues kicking my demons... I just want be healthy...

I have only $7,5k roll, so small winnings are welcome, can't keep running bad... but if does happen, ok, I will try my best .

10k hands is my goal for this weekend.

------------- meh ----------------

Didn't play on Saturday. I changed my goals... Im waiting more exams about my health, results come at day 1st February, until that day I will be playing what I can, without force anything. The final result comes on day 1st march, but at 1st February will have a very good idea . February I will be playing ok (if result come good), but probably not full machine mode. Only after final result in 1st march (and if its a good result) the locomotive will be back.

That said, I expect ~80-90k hands at January and 60-70k at February.

Session Review Sunday 14 January 2018.

Skill game: Played good.7/10.

I did 2 mistakes... not major mistakes, but a player with my skill level should do the right thing. the 1st I had a huge hand and block everything, plus had a note on villain being able to do crazy stuff, but even with those information, its a spot that almost nobody bluffs. Just fold... Another mistake, well... villain had semi nuts with blocker to the nuts... my line is very strong, he tanks forever. its ok play, maybe slight -ev, but with metagame created by that play, its a good play.


mental game: 9/10. I won $1k running above EV, but it was a hard session mental wise because I lost 15buy ins in the last hands, and quitting right in the middle of the storm was the reason I give me 9/10, such a perfect quitting time.

results: 4,5k hands, won $970, AIEV + $320. finally a ****ing day above ev !

Talking about ev... Im running so ****ing bad... its so sick ! Im winning $9k since Im back playing poker (23 december), AIEV at $9k, maybe sounds ridiculous complain...

in this period:

- my AIEV at 0.5/1 is 0.00 in 32k hands... LOL . Im the king of this stake, running breakeven at ev in 32k hands is pathetic. winrate is 5bb, still, very low for a player like me. Off course I can complain, even being above ev... the spots aren't happenning to my side.

- at 1/2 Im $9k below ev in 32k hands !!!!!!!!!! **** ! AIEV at +17bb and winrate at 4bb....

Honestly, games since cristmas were very easy, my true winrate at both stakes should be around 16 or 17bb. Maybe 18bb.

Just running terrible at my main games...

that said... I can't really complain about overall luck, because I ran great at sportbets and ran great taking shots at 25/50. But well, I like crying... if My exams became good I swear I never ever complain about luck again in this life.

------------------ Love Poker -----------

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WkYIrj03fso

I really like poker. Today was a day off from poker... did nothing, just rest, tv, gym ...I slept at couch late afternoon, now 1am don't feel asleep...was at computer, and open Stars just to see what games were running... If the games at my stakes were good Id play a small session... Its a day off, but I want play to enjoy the game.

For a while I railed 10/20 and 25/50... damn , this stakes are so nice !!! playing big pots, winning big money, that style of poker are the best !!! While I was thinking about playing there as soon as possible, felt a big motivation to play poker tomorrow at baby stakes I have been grinding.... because I want play 25/50 again !

Past 2-3 years I was in big debt and ALL time I was going to play it was to pay debts (or use at sportbets, lol)and if possible save a little for my bills... play poker, win, pay debt (or lose at sports, or pay bills), and back to the same stakes... win, back to same baby stakes... whats the moving up goals ... thats not nice style of poker. I don't enjoy much playing with that goals...

Now Im so close to pay all debts, Im happy to play poker again! Only need win $30k to have a confortable money situation . That means ~200k hands more, maybe 300k hands if I run bad , and I finally will be free to play whatever I want !!! (By the way, guy who send me loans put 0 pressure on me and alow me to play whatever I want, its my own pressure, my own thoughts that I can't feel freedom while on debts, even if friends are very compreensive).

Can't wait to that happens !!! 2018 will be my year !!!!! both at tables and outside too!

Today I talked with my father ... he is traveling far away. Long convo, 1 hour. Im felling a lot better about my health now, he said very condifent that I don't have nothing and told me to feel ok because its all in my head, that exams I will do to confirm, but he and all doctors say its 100% sure Im fine. I got a little angry, because while thats true, its hard to believe. Im confused... but yes, felt good hear that. This health situation proves to me that I have mental issues . Lesson learned... or not, lol.

Hey man, can you explain what symptos you feel? You are writing so much about your health concern and how any exams you taken, but you never wrote what exactly are you feeling.
tnx

IMO you should test yourself on being bipolar. Your addictive behaviour and your writing sounds like you're suffer from bipolar disorder or something similiar in that regard. Just to be sure you should talk with your doctors and be really honest about everything.

------------------- Lucky Idiot --------------

Played another long session, 8hours straight... played terrible... really bad.

Session review

mental game: 0/10. Tilted hard, played worst possible, I should lose a LOT today, just ran very good in huge pots, broke many aces with pathetic holdings...

What drove me nuts today was a fish at one table... I was a bit down, session wasn't working well, I was semi pissed, but ok... then this fish... 3betting 70% hands, twice I get KK and AA, he doesn't 3bet, board comes bad and I have to c/f... actually, what make me really tilted is one player who I hate was sitting with 12stacks at that table ! he was winning all money... he is nit, I know him personally... he seems good guy, but jesus his style at playing plo makes tilted !!!!!!

At worst point I was losing $3k (25 stacks)... then playing bad got rewarded and I finished winning $400 !! today I don't deserve anything... I hope I remember today and never complain about running bad ... at least not until February haha.

skill game: 1.5/10well... hard to rate me at this. When I was tilting I made so many bad plays... but after tilt, I used my image and got the best from everyone... during my best moments today I played 10/10, some really good plays... its fun, playing tilted sometimes I try new things that open my mind. This session will change my style... on the other hand, while tilted, I played like a monkey....

I will try mix this super lag style at my game... need a bigger roll, but I think its the key to move from the king of small stakes to medium/high stakes crusher.

by the way got owned hard by one reg at 0.5/1, his plays worked everytime vs me...

Total results:

8,5k hands, won $460, AIEV - 370, but this game is very crazy, to be honest, my real AIEV today should be -3k or -4k . I played VERY bad.

I thought I got aids... 1st week of december I was having sex with a hooker and condom broke. Next days I felt sick, symptoms like fever, sore throat, diarrehia, look at internet and it says might be aids symptons.

What make me very scared was because she was a dirty hooker , I found her at streets, she doesn't even has a place, she ****s at cars or even blowjob at street... lol... she is very cheap, probably only have sex with drug addicteds. When condom broke she said it was fine and that she prefer without condom WTF you ****** slut !!!!!! I put a new one and keep going... She was very loose... off course she has lots of STD.

Its the 2nd time condom broke with a hooker, other time I didn't care because that girl looks clean and she didn't react well when the condom broke, which made me think ''nice, she care about her health when having sex with a stranger!" I didn't even get tested or went to a doctor, really didn't care...

This time is diferent because the girl is a dirty girl... weeks I went to 2 doctors and they said I should be fine because its almost impossible for a man get aids from a woman... this make me calm down , but theres times that comes to my mind .. WHAT IF.... what if....

The worst about this situation is you can't get tested for aids the next day, you have to wait ...wait.... wait... this anxiety waiting the exams to confirm was driving me nuts !!! jesus !!!! I got tested 1 month after and result was good.... To confirm 100% Im ok, need wait 3 months after the day, because theres some rare cases of false negatives results... still 6weeks to go. One doctor told me she is 100% sure Im ok and its impossible for me have aids or any other problems... At this point, I think being scared is more a mental issue, but as I said, once in a while comes to my mind ''what if Im the unluckiest ever and if 0.00001% happens..''

Many people told I might be bipolar, but honestly I don't think I am. Im sure I have deep mental issues, but I don't think its bipolar. Not saying Im NOT, maybe I am, who knows... but at this moment I don't think I am.

Im starting therapy next week, lets see what he says .

------------ Locomotive -------------

Another long session...

Session Review:

- skill game: 6/10. Didn't made any amazing plays, or any big mistakes. Standard session.

- mental game 7/10. I was getting frustrated, but didn't let this change my game plan. After 5k hands I was going to quit, but the games were very good and I just couldn't quit... felling tired, playing in a game full of fishs... and bang bang, everything goes wrong, in 600 hands (30minutes) I lost $2k (13stacks!) . Got PISSED !!!!!!!!!! But I keep playing my game... and recovered 1,5k to finish winning $1k .

Total result session:

- 6,7k hands , 6hours, won $1k with AIEV at + $600.

some thoughts...

Most important, my roll is back to $10k, which give me more confidence... I have $600 at bank, will have to cashout something in last week of this month to survive... had $7k roll 1 week ago and thats kinda dangerous because I will have to cashout around $2k, playing 0.5/1 and 1/2 with $5k, one bad session and busto ! Now at $10,1k roll, I can cashout $2k, and if I have a bad session losing $2k I still have $6k.. Off course still very underolled, but for me feels safe.

My results at 0.5/1 are making me pissed... nervous... frustrated... everything ! Breakeven this month (40k hands)... counting last year, almost 80k hands breakeven... aiev at +5bb, but anything below 10evbb at 0.5/1 is not aceptable ! sick sick variance... but maybe isn't just variance... Maybe Im not paying much attention at 0.5/1... Will try focus more at this stakes while Im at others.

----------- **** **** **** ----------------

Very tilted... how the **** I can run so bad especially late at night... losing when Im about to quit its what I most hate at poker and this is happenning so often!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! fkcing god how much I hate this stupid timing...

SESSION REVIEW

- skill game : 5/10. I was playing well, good decisions, but in the end I made 2 or 3 wrong decisions... actually Im not even sure if they are all 3 bad decisions, its close, but going all in at this 3 hands...at least one could be a fold or a call. I Don't know... I think I should fold pre flop one, not that bad 3bet, but whatever, fold is better...2nd its a call, 3rd is maybe a call or a shove, idk whats the best. I guess all in.

- mental game: 7/10. Should be smaller than 7 because I got semi tilted and did small mistakes (unfortunally all close decisions was at big pots that cost me a lot, but the mistakes , aren't big)... I give myself a 7 because my timing quit was perfect !!!! Learning how to quit !!!

total results: 5,5k hands in 6hours, won $550, AIEV at +$2,2k.

Im proud how I played today... if I was going to make a review later - when not tilted -, Id be happy with how I played... I was winning $2k, lost $1,5k very fast in the end.

one smart decisions I took was stop 24tabling... from now I will only play 20 at maximum . last year there wasn't so many fishs, so I was often at 12-20, this year is full of fishs and I get greedy and try play 24... not working. Felt good today playing 20.

Also played lots of zoom hu today. there was one huge fish 2tabling there 3betting all crap... and destroyed. lost $1,5k there. *** !!!!! idk how rigged is this zoom game... I can't trust 100% stars anymore, maybe they make fishs run a bit better, or make the fishs play each other more often than vs pros. Also, how trust a poker room who give more benefits to the losing player... hate this site.

----------


Since Im back playing, since 23december... 42k hands at 0.5/1, 0bb, -2evbb LOL. True winrate there is around 12-15bb... and this **** happens. at 1/2, 43k hands played with +6bb and 16evbb... true winrate at 1/2 is 10-12bb. overall running really bad at my main games, but ran good at shots. My goal is win $15k each 100k hands, this month I played 76k hands with $10,7k profit... not bad. but not good . games during holidays has been really good and the amount of hands Im playing should be rewarded with a $25-$30k month, but its not going to happen.

edit: I went check at HM... last 6 sessions, in 5 I lost a lot in last minutes... sick !!!!!! its usually the softest games... and Im losing ... lol

----------- The Pool -------------

Today I played in the easiest games in a long time... there was some tables that was me and 5 fishs lol But the results aren't good... this game is just too sick .......... ****

SESSION REVIEW.

Right now Im not happy with results because it was very very easy game and at my peak I was $2,7k up, ended only $800 up...but its by far the session Im more proud about myself, very happy with this.

- skill game. 7/10 tons of hard spots... will post the biggest pots I lost.

- 500bbs with aces... I was 500bbs with a big fish... I got trip aces... its always a raise, but table had 2 big fishs without fold button, 3way my equity won't be good. that said, sometimes, once a while they could find a fold... lost 950bbs pot this hand.

- standard hand, but I want cry... 4bet pot AAKx, villain AQT8. flop is J92... obv he hits... this was at 2/4, shot taking there, and off course, run bad.

- T987 300bbs vs huge fish... this fish was ******ed. I mean, there are fishs that obvious they have a clue about omaha, but they are gambling and don't care. BUt even the biggest fishs, know that overpair is weak at many boards... this was the sickest fish. and he was a huge donkey. its a fold vs 99.9% of the field.. .he happens to be the 0.1%. and off course, he has it. by the way, this idiot was sitting on 1k bbs... running like god... I had position on him, was making hands, but miracle rivers ALL TIME !! so sick!

- plus tons and tons of standard spots where they floped the goods vs my 2nd best hands. so sick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hands like 4betting AKKTds, fish with K533 his set on QJ3.


- Skill game. 10/10. I think its the 1st 10 I get ... played for 10hours straight, lost $4k running worst possible in a game full of fishs... what I did... just keep playing the best possible ! Today I was perfect in this aspect !!! Played like a pro LOL.

Total 10hours, 9k hands, won $800, AIEV $1,2k (should be +$4 or 5k aiev if this game was fair).

thoughts:

-I already said that, but will repeat... stop playing 2/4 before I pay all debts. Given my skills I should play now, but because my account runs bad I need a huge bankroll. Im unlucky, its a fact .....

- Im not tired of saying this: Im running TERRIBLE. This games are so easy, full of fishs... should be winning 18-20bb at 0.5/1 and 12-16bb at 1/2. Thats my true winrate in this line ups... The game has so many fishs that I can't acept winning only $800 ... have 7evbb this month and very frustrated.