https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ejihzALlriE

basically... as this song says: i will do what i want.

hmmm actually, i wish i didn't do exactly what I want. Or I wish I didn't have those thoughts running on my mind. HA. At least it hurt less being aware I did what I wanted... I wanted explosion and I destroyed everything, myself included. Now I have to build... again. No, I don't have to do it. I WANT do it because will be better for me.

I don't even know from where I start this blog.... Thinking about intro ''who I am'', whenever this question ''who Am I '' pops in my mind I remember someone...

Im a man who is addicted to gambling. This is a good start to answer ''who Am I''. Unfortunally, its true.

Im 29... almost 30. My friends are saying we (early 30s) are old... I have few gray hairs here and there, when I sleep at couch next day my back is sore, that said, I still feel Im like 21. Im stronger than ever. People guess my age at 22-25. (I think they think 19, but says 25 because all my friends looks older, lol).

This aging question is in my head few months before I turn 30. I never thought about this, I never thought about life... actually I thought more about dieing than about living, but this was when my brain was ****ed and I had mental issues.

Nowadays Im stronger than ever, happy (not today, but overall), 0 problems, so Im in a good situation !! As someone who spent few years depressed, being genuine happy is awesome.

Hmmm. Theres one problem. Im addicted to gambling. And this is a huge problem. Its a huge problem, but here is is: THERES A SOLUTION ! You can conquer this and be who you want, do whatever you want . Even gambling, if you have money, you can . You can travel too, but you need money.

You might think Im pathetic because only weak people are addicted to gambling, you are right, I agree. Its a shame that I let this happen with me... not because what others will think, **** others, but because I can't live like this.

The major problem about losing money is wasting time...Im not rich... I make money playing poker. Im 30years old. Im sure I can make money playing poker, but the things, places I want to go, etc, I wish I could do it before I was 30years old... i still can do it, but maybe I won't be able to do at 40s ? It feels like this is my last chance of getting a decent life. Not a family, not that kinda of life, I mean, just having fun doing whatever I want do... and do nothng if thats what I want.

As I said, Im addicted to gambling. Today its obvious, but for many years I didn't think about it. The truth is, for many years I didn't think about anything. But recently I started thinking more about it... and I still didn't think I was addicted. I thought I was a fearless gambler mostly because I didn't care about life ... that and because its very fun.

In the past I was addicted to smoking and because of that I like to think I understand addicted people and how addiction works. I always knew I was addicted to smoking, but gambling, no. it makes sense being addicted to smoking, but how the *** someone get addicted with gambling ?? ?? no way! Guess what, smoking aren't the same as gambling.

Ok, Im addicted gambler.

I lost $30k last days. Honeslty I don't even know exatcly how much... This number is big, small, doens't matter... it was ALL my money, so it was huge for me. Money is relative, if I had 300k and lost $100k, Id be pissed, but id be fine.

Well, I had less than 30k... and I lost 30k getting loans etc. Plus I already owe money to friends before do this. By the way, my debts are P 37k F 10k and P 12,5k, total debt $60. I have to pay 5% fee per month on 47k .

I have $300 in my bank account and $300 at my pockets. Plus $700 on PokerStars. Idk how I managed to save those $700. My cousin owe me $200, I will get this money tomorrow.

I live alone with total monthly bills $2k, maybe 2,5k per month. thats a sick situation, especially because today is day 24 and half of my bills are day 5.

So, yes, I bet (and lost) everything . everything. not the 1st time, but its the last time I did this (i hope). Not the last time I bet big, I will do it again, but for sure (I hope) when I do it, if I lose, I won't bet until the last cent is gone... I saved $700 last night, but the minimum aceptable was have AT LEAST $5k... and with $5k would be already in a bad situation.

It hurts, but what hurt the most is thinking about how many months, how many hours I will have to play... how many more months I will have to wait to move up stakes at poker, how many more months I will have to wait to travel, how much time I will have to wait to buy things I want etc etc etc.

This hurts. I will say 1000 times, IT HURTS ! a lot ! No, losing money doens't hurts much, its losing things I want do because Im gambling. And I lost a lot of things I could do because gambling hardcore since 2013... This has to stop. And will stop. Gambling won't stop because I like it, but no control all in gamble, has to stop.

And at this time it hurts more than in the other times because now Im trying to (re)build, Im happy and motivated to make good things...

But before I write the plan about my epic comeback, let me say this...

I can't believe how Im this ****ed. Im suffering a lot because this. After thinking about it during few days, my conclusion: its not that bad.

... you wasted few years that could have been the best years of my life ...

... you could have (easily) 5millions .... I have 0. Actually, I have -60.

... you could have traveled to many amazing places... last trip I made was 6y ago.

....

...

.............. and many other things. but what if I could do all above, but I didn't what I write below: (off course, having both would be the dream... but thats asking too much)

But now, lets think about the positive things:

... Im alive. serious, I could be dead. The way I used to drive drunk, places I went to get drugs and my mental state, I could have jumped off a bridge. I mean, I couldn't do the last, just saying, I wouldn't be surprised if that happenned to me.... or I could have lost my legs racing ... or cancer, or unlucky and that ***** gave you sida... no, no, nothing happenned...

you are.... alive!... with 30 years old healthy !!! 100% healthy... Id rather be 23, but hey, my father thinks 40years is young.... plenty of time to do whatever you want.

... I like my body and how I looks.... I could be crushing at poker, milionaire, and be dead (!) or alive but ugly hating my face, or lost 1 arm... no, the most important things I already have !!!

What else I could ask for ? many many many things, but the 1st thing that comes to my mind:

Easy answer, impossible to happen: Id like to someone who is dead being alive. wow. this are a lot diferent areas... but ya I feel unlucky and traped in life because one person who I loved, died years ago. And how I will care about life after what I saw ? This is too hard and I prefer not talk about this, but if its about me, I had to write this above.

Anyway. Back to good things I have in life now.

Im thinking, the biggest problem in my life has solution, this has to be positive!!! Imagine how many problems I could have that doesn't have a solution... what if I lost a leg in a car crash ? Or dead in this car crash ? I used to drive drunk at very high speeds... I had lost few cards in some accidents but luck never hurt me or others involved. I could have cancer...

Now, I imagine Im sick. Cancer, lost something, idk, Im sick. If I play solid poker during 6months and make 0 gambling stuff, Im saved !!!!

Imagine if I had 2in dick and if I play good poker for the next 6months, my dick would became 7in. Or if I was 5'1'', after 6months of good poker, Id be 6'1''... Im balding since Im 18, if I play good poker for 6 months, I will have my head full of hair forever... whatever thing you don't like about yourself, this would change if you played 6months of good poker, you will be your perfect version at 30years old, come on, will be awesome !!!!! the only thing I want change about myself it IS possible !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And the most important: I , ME, IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII WANT DO IT . If I can do it ? Probably, but failing is possible.
It will be hard. But will be worth.


Failing , doenst matter if everything goes wrong, I will do my best to achieve my goals. If I fail doing the best I can do, its ok, I acept ! But you ****ing gambler, in your 29years of existence, everything you tried you were sucessfull. There wasn't a single competition that I wasn't one of the best. Sports, playing cards and other things.

I need remember myself Im proud from what I did ... not much in the last months, but overall. I need remember Im more than a junky drug gambler addicted (this is fun, but lets wait until I have money to lose, ok)

Ah, I almost forget, Im very good playing poker. Its sick how gambling **** your confidence... jesus, Im not very good. Im one of the best players who ever played this game. ****, im the man . How this stupid bet365 destroyed my mind, my soul... is trying to destroy my life, but Im better than that.

I see few guys losing their lifes at gambling. This blog is annonymous, so I won't name them and tell their history, but its pretty sick and if I keep doing what I used to do, thats what will happen with me too.

At this point with gambling. During this 4years with sportbets, we can't forget, there was some huge epic wins in the last second, many many happy moments... no doubt, the final result is total disaster, but there was amazing moments. Some wins I had, hours after, the next day ... many times I told myself : this **** is the best thing ever. So, from this 4years, I guess I burned 2 or 3. Its like, I went from being 26 and turn 29 next day. no, I improve and learned many things... idk .

How I will climb the moutain (again, for the 100th time) ?

the 1st step has to be get $10k bankroll to be back at games. 0.5/1 and 1/2.

But I also need pay bills on day 5 and get some money to survive while I play those games, so I will have to make cashouts...

--- went dinner ---

Im back now. Idk why Im writing this blog, I didn't read it, I barely remember what I wrote (too much weed) , but whatever, I will click send and have this place open to write whenver I want.

Before click send... last thoughts of my 1st blog entry: im very very sad. This big loss hit me like never in the past. I had lost more than this and never felt hurting... i hope it clicks and make me stop gambling the last dolar. gamble is ok, gambling until last dolar, not good.

While I was sad thinking ''HOW IM BROKE.......... I CANT BELIEVE''... I was trying to think positive. I just can't think positive. only if I see this situation from another pov.

Few years ago I had demons flying around my brain... many demons. They told me many wrong things. And I believe it. Hell, I create those demons , how I won't belive them...

If 5 years ago someone told me : hey, trust me 100%, this aren't real. You are crazy, yes you are, but not THAT crazy... this problems does NOT exist, the thing is, you are a little crazy, yes you are, just be crazy in the way you are and you will be fine. I wouldn't believe them. hmmmm I guess some people told me this, but I couldn't believe. If in 2012 someone told me ''give me all your money, you are in jail until November 2017. Do this and in 2017 you are free, happy. OMG. yes yes yes, great deal, off course I want this.

So, here we are... all those stupid things trying to attack your mindset, no, they doesn't exist. You don't have any problems.

the next weeks will be hard and I will suffer a a bit... but could be a lot worse! 6months suffering and after that Im saved, cured and will enjoy the best life possible !

ps: this is a fun blog and anything you see in real life, its just coincidence.

Idk if I wrote this above... I got $800 loan from friend and I might get more $2k tomorrow. If I get this 2k, I will cashout $1k and play plo50 with 2,5k roll. If I don't get any more money from friends, I will play plo50 with 30buy ins. Thats a bit crazy considering my liferoll... but when Im sober playing my best Im almost invencible.

Goal is play 20k hands until 31 October. about my october 20k hands: Im very happy with $1,5k profit, happy but not much with + $1k and ''ok'' with + $500. I know variance is huge, but Im the best.




DO THE BEST YOU CAN. THE BEST POSSIBLE. THE WORLD IS FAILING IN YOUR HEAD ? DOENST MATTER, DO THE BEST YOU CAN !!!!!!!!




WHAT IS DONE IS DONE . SEE THE FUTURE.




THE RESULTS DOENS'T DEFINE A MAN. ITS HOW HE REACT AT THE RESULTS THAT ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT.





GO GO GO. I want read this blog in 24 october 2018 and see how I did in this journey.

therapy. pronto !

I went for 1:30hour driving alone just listening rock... so good.

I was thinking about how I will play it like a boss in trash stakes and doing calcs about how much time I need to pay debts and be free.

My plan need more details, but its more or less this:

- play 700k hands in until end of june. win $84k (+ $12k per month)
- no bets, no gambling until end of june.
- starting at 25/50cents with 20k hands october, 105-115k hands at 5/1 and 1/2 other months

If I run at the winrate I have this year I will have $125k in 1st july. Im being humble and realisct because I won't be able to play my best during this time. doens't matter, if I play C game with tons of discipline, in June Im done with this homeless life.

ps: discipline is freedom. I love this words. Thinking this help me to deal with drugs

I went for years...sometimes I went twice per week, some semesters I didn't go 1 time.

It works, thats why I went so many times, that said, I don't enjoy it.

When I was going regular, gambling wasn't an issue in my life, it was just a fun thing I like . but I had lots of money so it was ok. Plus I didn't run bad like Im running since 2016. Or maybe I had tons of money because I was running good, LOL idk.

I talked a bit about gambling w him. I had to teach and explain this things to him. It was hard to him fully understand Im gambler but I don't gamble when I play poker (my job).

I thought about going to GA (gambler annonymous) and google places to go around my home. I almost went ...

I didn't go because NA experience. So I decided I will do it like I did when I was addicted at drugs. I never want quit drugs, I just want take a break and years ago that was almost impossible... I feel the same with gambling.

NA is full of losers and people who really lost their minds. I mean, I lost my mind decade ago... Someone 7ft tall saying ''wow, you are so tall !" thats it .

I didn't conect with anyone, I couldn't relate with anything there... all things they said was extremely depressing, people who literaly lost their lifes to drugs.

By the way... after years strugling with it, nowadays I can easily control drugs. I did at weekend, did yesterday, today I said, no drug, and what happenned, no drug, not felling bad/sad/pissed/anger, nothing, its ok. I admit, a bit harder to sleep, but no big deal.

people say its impossible, might be, but I will try . same with gambling.
i will go on my own, doing my things... and I will find a way to control it.

What site are you playing 50plo on, you have set your self some big goals too achieve. Your best bet is get a job stay away from all forms of gambling including poker, and lay off the weed and whatever other drugs you pump into your self, that wall of text you wrote up just shows you need some serious help.

Good luck. But if you lost that much money with poker why would u start winning money now? Or what kind of gambling games did you used to play?

About your advice, thanks, but I love playing poker and Im good player, I think its worth playing, I enjoy it.


I will start at PokerStars plo50.

I like gambling casino and sportbets. I lost a lot in this games.

At poker Im good, Im usually winning and I don't consider poker gambling. Luck is a big factor (more than pros like to admit), but I focus hard when Im playing poker, its total diferent mindset when Im playing poker and when Im playing bacarat or betting at NFL.

I got 2k loan from another friend. I have 3,5k roll now weeeeeee !!!!!!!! Im so happy that I could get this loans... Honestly, I don't deserve it . I burned way too many bankrolls

Its curious how Im felling rich and so happy with this 3,5k roll, and last week I thought I was poor with $5k and $27k debt. Now I feel rich with 3,5k roll and 60k debt lol.

I start my journey at nl50 with $3,5k roll, very soon shot taking at 100.

Do you got any graphs or anything of past results? GL with the grind hope you can turn things around

LOL at me... serious, how, just how... I thought having a blog and WRITING about things would make me remember and pay more attention.......... no, didn't work . I failed. before start... yesterday after getting loan from friend I thought betting 1k in a game was a good idea, Id have 4,5k roll and be able to play nl100 . hahahahaha it has to be a joke.. no, I really thought that was a good plan. I was sober, can't even say I was drunk. Im top imbecile. Plus, Im the unluckiest ever, obvious.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BHNP2u9L3Wk

Lost 1k... 2... 3,5k.... and bust again.

I was felling terrible, thinking about this time I really busted forever... its 1st time I broke without any back up plan AND already having asked most friends. No money for food... bills... I thought about trying a robbery or kidnap someone . I don't have a gun and Im not that type of man , but this crossed my mind. I couldn't believe I didn't have money to food, gas, etc, it was at that point .

finally I could sleep.

Woke up extremely desperate, no money to eat pay bills, no money to play , no money for nothing. one word define: desperate crying... Didn't even eat. Its sick . I have lost a lot in the past and this never hit me... I was like, whatever, ok, it happens, tomorrow I will win, I don't care about losing. But losing food money... thats way too sick, I hit a new level .

Like a miracle... I wrote yesterday ''I don't deserve get more $ loans because I burn rolls.'' Yes, thats it. I still say it, but Im glad theres few people who disagree with me... One friend sent me 2k today. I thought was impossible to get more loans...That said, I decided Im not addicted to gambling. That 1st pathetic cringe 1st blog I wrote here saying I was addicted. Im not addicted at gambling, period. Thats it, Im not . I won't gamble. Now its time to play poker. I will gamble next year.

Ok, back to poker.

$2k roll, I will play plo25 . 25k hands this month. its machine grind mode now. No tilt, no bets. Im the best. Serious, I am the best. I will rebuild like a champ because Im a champ . and this is the last ****ing time I put myself in this situation.

Don't think about the disaster, jsut play and play and play. results will come. I don't know why, but Im very confident and pretty sure I will do pretty good next weeks.

My plan was play tomorrow, but I felt I had to play to change my mind from thinking how ****ed I am, and start thinking about poker and put in pratice the rrebuild plan.

I didn't play under right conditions, I was aware I wouldn't play my best, but I really want to play.

I run terrible. Really really bad. plo25 is extreme easy...

Session review:

- 4k hands , results - $130 /// AIEV - $200 . ridiculous

- skill : not happy w how I played . The game wasn't hitting, I wasn't in the zone, moves not working, they always had hands, my aces floped bad etc . plus I wasn't in a good mode. very desperate mindset. Also its only 2 days since I stop w drugs and my head is still ''heavy'', its not clean, thinking slow, not confident to take decisions, often I was forgeting the action pre flop, few time outs etc . Will have to wait few weeks until my brain is clean and Im playing close to my best.

- mental game: 6.5/10 . Ok ... I was running TERRIBLE, VERY BAD , and didn't make any big mistake. Almost everytime I was pissed seeing cents on tables, such small game, sometimes there was all ins with $15, I was like ''short stack'', then I remember ''oh no, this is plo25, its a big bet''.

Didn't play close to my best, which is not aceptable, but under this conditions, it was ok.

side note: Last 9 sessions I breakeven one session and lost other 8 . 30buy ins below ev in 18k hands.. not the worst possible but close to it. This already would be enough to make me pissed, but what make me want kill someone is the fact the last 9 sessions I played a lot higher (only today not) than I usually play... and exatlcy when I take shots, I run ****ing bad . its sick . plus sportbets etc , losing tons .


edit: plan for tomorrow is 6k hands . Also back to gym after 3 weeks using drugs. Refresh , clean time. go go go.

talking about gym...

Yesterday I went run, after a long time. I never run and never did any exercise as an adult (played a lot as tennager )... started in february this year. I was running 5km at 27minutes, which is not good for runners, but its ok for amateurs.

Yesterday I ran only 3km at 19:42 and I was veeeery tired. Today my legs are sore... months ago I was running 5km and next day was normal .

I will be talking about my running progress in this thread too. Im very slow, but I love it.

yes, I have hands some hands I played at 2017.

thx.


--- I was doing good at 2017, thinking I was the best player in the world, but after going brke at gambling, Im thinking Im a donkey. its sick how losing gambling kills my confidence. Plus slow brain because weed, I really feel Im dumb .

By the way, this drugs... I used to love it, but nowadays, idk... I can't sleep the 1st week Im without drugs. the 1st day its usually 4hours in bed (I go to bed when Im already felling aslseep), 2nd day 2hours... both days have to sleep at couch with TV. 1st day 8hours at couch, slept only 4. lol. this sucks. also, its not healthy and I can't be my best at sports ... I might stop with it .

would be good if I could wait 1month without playing poker, jsut waiting my brain refresh and doing sports etc. it sucks being busted with bills to pay.

****, I just wrote a huge post with deep thoughts , but misclick and lost page. wtf .

resume:

- slept great night. not felling ''heavy'' or numb brain. 8hours sleep at bed.

- back to normal routine, back to gym. I guess gym/running make me more happy and satisfied than drugs , wtf, I can't believe Im saying this. Im ok now.

- after 3weeks without gym, I couldn't lift the same weights and this made me think about all hardwork for nothing, just like I think about poker. cute girl with huge lips at gym made me feel better.

- Changed plans. Not playing nl25... game is too small, hard to focus. I will play nl50 today with $1860 roll. Underolled, but seems enough. Back to nl25 if I have only $1k roll. Today session is very very important, this weekend will be important at poker. Hope I run good, because if depends on my skills, I will win a lot of money.

good luck man, interesting read, you should post some graphs!!
wish you the best with turning it around and finding happiness in your life, which imo is the most valuable thing in our lives

Thx. will post at end of month.

ahhh again I couldn't book a win. At least didn't lost everything

Im running very bad in a very very important moment of my life, this makes me very pissed. I already had important ''key'' moments that I really need money and ran well, but jesus, now its sick, I NEED this money. What I think its incredible is: all year I didn't run like this. 2-3 weeks ago playing drunk I was winning lol. Now sober needing money like never before, run terrible.. ***... Yes, I will complain and cry a lot in this blog.

Session Review. Plan was play 6k hands, but I decided go slow, took a 2hour shower to relax.

- 2k hands nl50 /// - $34 /// AIEV - $12. Again ridiculous ev stuff. they flop too good on 4bet pots.

- skill 6/10. I wasn't feeling in the zone, but I played ok. Focus, concentration, it was fine, but it was a dificult session becasue the cards weren't helping and many spots that I couldn't run and was crushed. Im thinking more about this... I think I played good. Im having a hard time to feeling in the zone with reads acuracy 99... maybe not because Im hungover from weeks drugs or bad mindset, maybe its because all field is new and I don't know how they play. Its easier for me play vs regs from higher stakes because I know their style ... ya, pretty sure thats whats happenning... New rate , I give me 7/10 today.

- mental 4/10 . I didn't make any mistake because tilting, no burning stacks, no donation, but every small pot I was losing I was thinking ''off course, I run too bad, always''... the fact that I ran worst possible last weeks make my skin thin to deal w poker. At one point I 3bet one hand that I shouldn't because I was losing... I swear god, only 1. And I didn't even cbet flop. maybe I should bet that spot, but to prevent tilt I just gave up the hand.

session I rate at 5.5/10.

Im enjoying this blog. After I finished my session I was pissed ''how I can't win...'' and after writing about the game I see Im doing fine, just unlucky. I need so bad to book a win to recover confidence and be able to make a little cashout to surive. I write Im the best, maybe sounds Im confident, but Im not, Im really the best, but sometimes I forget that... Winning 10 or 15 stacks in 1 session its nice to remember that.

------

Today I didn't feel my brain numb, still a bit heavy... compared to yesterday, 2/10 heavy and 0.5/1 numb. probably because 4th day clean and 1st day I sleep well. Its amazing feeling inside my head scratching, like my neurons are re-conecting, pretty sure thats it. also nice feeling asleep at 1am...2days ago was 8am and I didn't feel anything lol.

Idk what happens with me... actually I think Im aware: I lost so much, so unlucky, that I my alter ego thinks Im favorite to win the next. ''I can't lose EVERY gambling I go''.

I think Im not addicted because I compare with drugs. I started drugs at 16. Using recretional, party, friends etc until 18. At 18-19 I started doing it everyday everytime. side note: everytime means E V E R Y T I M E . Didn't sleep for 40hours straight... its been 24hours without sleep, I was very very tired but Id rather use it again than sleep. yes, Im addicted to drugs. One single day, no, this never ever happens. Doesn't happens because If Im at a place and I have it, its too tempting use it. I love it. Or used to love...

WIth gambling, its total diferent. I had chips to play yesterday and I don't want do it.

Given my drug experience, Id say, I am addicted (at this moment, verb ''to be'' in english is tricky because ''am'' means diferent things depending on context) which means, I can handle that and be back gambling like a normal person. Just like I did with drugs... most people would say this is impossible, no its not. I only take break from drugs because I love it. and I love so much, that I know if I live using everyday, I can't use never. So, often I use, but I control, not everyday. Next monday its 1 week clean.

Ok, now we are starting to improve.

That said, doens't matter if Im addicted or not. I think Im not, its just I don't give much value for life . so whatever, go all in. Idk, I really don't know. writing helps, feels liek therapy lol.

all I know is: gambling is ****ing my life... not right bet your dinner at casino. I still love it, but at this moment, its not a good idea. I won't gamble until 1st June 2018. I said that before, but didn't comited...

Don't gamble until june 18. Is that hard ? Seems so easy. With drugs It was obvious it was very very hard take a break, I never thought would be easy, sometimes I used to think I wouldn't be able to stop. with gambling seems easy. MAybe thats why Its been a little hard, because I don't give my best, don't take this as a serious challenge like I did with drugs.


Why i wrote this...

Because today I woke up and see bet365 ''just to see whats running''. There was an amazing (I took 10-15seconds to remember what game was. 3 days ago would be impossible to remember. if I was 100% clean Id remember in 0.5seconds... brain is realing. I think I need 1month to recover 90% of my brain potential, 3-5 to hit 95%, 9-10 to hit 99%, and more than 1year to 100%)

an amazing game basketball extraliga slovakia female, one of my favorite leagues. I didn't bet because cashout/deposit process was slow. But would lose 1k because failed (as always ). This made me very happy because felt like I just won $1k !!!!!

Plus its harder to lose 2 in a row, so I was a bit favorite to win the next (off course this doens't matter, but it does influence my ****** brain) .

I went to gym. I like betting at gym. If Im losing, I say ''**** , just because Im pissed I will die lifting more weight than I can '' and If Im winning I say ''nice, I will do my best to celebrate" . ------------- I have said this to friends before, but never wrote...writing this, its kinda a-ha moment for me. I guess thats what I most love about gambling: if lose, Im a warrior who tried. if I win, Im a champ who is invencible. Theres no losing side ?

back to gym. I see a good game. I bet $1k at basketball -34.5. 10minutes after handcap was at -43.5, very solid 3rd quarter, huge favorite. 4th quarter disaster, and I lost.

I just couldn't believe. off course Im not quitting after this... bet in a diferent game and double up FINALLY A ****ING WIN !!!!!! after 1 week. Still losing 10 days straight, but at least one big pot for me. even losing, I feel ok now.

think about this: you were never rich, but always pretty good money wise. could do whatever you want. when you started strugling with money ? exatcly in the year you start betting at sports. its obvious.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IS6n2Hx9Ykk



I wrote above... the listening song, I decided take a shot at 2/5zoom. Its nice play there. I was playing bad, hard to play well when your life roll is less than 4 buy ins. I don't know why I do this things... I called two 3bets and folded flop. Was already $100 down, and thinking ''omg... why you doing this... go back to nl50, and then in few months you can play here with tons of bankroll , play agressive and crush this nits... '' I don't know why, but I keep playing . few minutes in the game, I double up with KK with 50,1% equity. WEEEE running ok one time.

finished sessin +$400 . Im not going to make a session review because I played terrible, not right state of mind, also played only 54 hands, thats not even a session...

recap:

- Im an idiot.

- I slept very good.

- bet sports, lost a bit. Played highstakes underolled, ran good. Finished day at + $250. (+400 poker -150 sports)

- Im in a highway to hell with gambling. I need take another route, I will go to heaven with poker .

few songs Im listening nowadays.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BXWvKDSwvls

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKpQ...=RDJW5UEW2kYvc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hvKy...2kYvc&index=27

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FgDU17xqNXo

Im surprised Im enjoying country music, never was my taste.

wow, Im more addicted at gambling than I thought. Or more stupid . Probably both.

Yesterday after write what I wrote I bet $578 in a sportbets. Thats already ridiculous given my liferoll, but gets worse... My bet365 is banned and Im using friend account. He busted and said ''don't call me to use bet365 this days please, I hate this today'' , ok. So I logged at sportingbet, my account there isn't verified yet and I just moved to a new apartment a while ago and still don't have any bills to prove my adress, which means, what I deposit at sportingbet will have to wait weeks to be able to cashout. In my situation of semi homeless , thats just ... idk, no words to describe how stupid I am.

While depositing money there, I was dreaming ''imagine you double up here, you won't be able to cashout, so while you wait weeks to verify, you could be betting with the money and imagine 2weeks later you have $30k !'' jaja. Off course I lost the bet.

Betting under this conditions in a site that I can't cashout fast... I noticed something was wrong. before Sleep I was googling about gamblers and found few nice historys.

Some motivation speak and standard stuff.... what I enjoyed most was Stu Ungar history. I already heard about him, but didn't know details. I identify with him, I looks very similar in many aspects, but in smaller scale. Im not the best player in the world and I don't use hard drugs like crack .

Im really good player. Im one of the best. And Im busted. Just like Stu... He was the best and was always busted, thats so sad. Im going to be like him if I keep doing what I do... busted and die young . No, I don't want that. Im a gambler, I want keep gambling, but look at his peers, all gamblers, and many of them with money and still alive.

According to his friends, books would give him tons of credit and action because everyone know he would play until lose everything... He was the best, but he would play other games, he would play anything, and actually was a fish because his attitude. Idk how people think he is a idol, in my opinion he is one of the biggest idiot in poker history, lucky to born with a gift that he wasted. I feel pity for him...

The paragraph above describe me so well... damn it, I need change ! Past months I changed so much, I improved my life so well, only thing that I need change to became perfect is stop gambling for a while.

This happenned many times playing live poker... We are playing a game and I invite big fishs to play another games in another place. At poker Im very good, at gambling games... its 50-50% . One day I did this and fish (who turned my friend) asked ''why you doing this ? " I said, "I like gambling'', he told me ''I also love gambling, just like you do. We both are action players. But Im bad at poker. You are very good. Look, Im a fish, I suck at poker, but its obvious that you are the best player in this town. You shouldn't do this gambling thing. If I was skilled like you, Id never gambling like we doing. I do because its better for me, I don't lose. You don't need this, you can gamble and win at poker, its the dream''. Others told me more or less the same, but the way this guy told me, plus those words coming from a losing player impact more my mind than another professional player saying (tons of pros told me that).

Stu died 45years old stoned in a hotel room. so sad. I still have 16 years to be 45. Its curious that reading his history I felt so young lol. I still young, but not a kid anymore.
Plenty of time.

Today I woke up pissed. I couldn't believe I donated $578 from my roll. I was thinking ''I will quit gambling until Im rich, but I have to win a ****ing sport bet, just one !!!!!! '' Don't have bet365 friend account, sporting bet can't cashout... I called few guys and offer they take the book side. Then I ofered 5% more and one of them acepted. $1k to win $783. (bet was paying $833). This move prove to me Im an idiot. No surprise, I already knew it.

I finally one the ****ing game !!!!!!!!! It was a basketball bet I had away team at +24.5 . This games was the leading team in league vs the worst team, before the match start was +32.5. The last quarter started with my team losing by 28 points, but a crazy last quarter and I won the bet. Nice. Finally, Im done until june18. No more excuse, Im done.

After the bet I felt so happy. felling great. I celebrate so much hahaha. If lose, roll would be $500. Jesus, Im crazy. While I doing things doesn't seems crazy, but now writing about this, LOL. Now Im at $2283 roll.

Im writing this listening an old song that I listened a lot when I was teen. '''you might just let it go''... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Fa_...Px-6iW&index=3

After celebrate and feel the king of the world, I noticed I was a bit crazy and need tkae few days without seeing money flying to recover my mind. So I won't play anything until november. Wednesday Im back at tables.

MONTH RECAP.

- personal:

Because losing so much gambling I ****ed myself... I couldn't handle that while sober, so I returned using drugs. I was 10months clean, my goal was 1 year, would be so nice stay 1 full year. Damn it ! Using drugs, I stop going to gym, didn't sleep well, bad situation overall.

I lost money this month, but I also lost healthy, confidence and happinness. Is it worth gambling ? No, but its close, because the wave that comes when Im win its great.

I rate this month 0/10 at personal aspect. That said, Im happy right now lol.

- gambling

I lost so much...I was close to pay all debts , I thought I could just ''one'' gamble stuff .. but I lose, then I go chase loss and the end we already know, gamble until is busted with many more debts. Not sure how much I lost, but I guess around 40-45k usd. Plus fee from loans. Plus ****ing my mind.

- poker





Obv not a good month. But honestly, if I had only lost this and not gambling, Id be fine. About the results, the problem wasn't playing the game, was playing very underolled AND running worst possible while taking shots. The fact the most poor dude at table runs the worst makes me so angry... I know the deck is cruel and don't have heart, but **** it ! I will cry about this forever...

I rate my play at 4/10. My results I rate 0/10.

Lets see details about my month:

graph with higher stakes. nl400 up to nl2k .



I played 400k hands this year, mostly at small stakes and I never had a run 5k hands 20buy ins below ev. Off course it happens when Im playing the highest games. By the way, Ev is below 0, but Im sure Im winning player in those games. I was surprised how many fishs and weak pros at 500zoom . I will be crushing those games soon (IF I DON'T GAMBLE LIKE AN IDIOT)

Its hard to stop thinking I could be an idiot and run good... Imagine if this was reversed graph and I ran 20buy ins above ev in 5k hands at high stkaes... I have to stop thinking about this !!!

ps: tomorrow 1 week clean from drugs. Not hard acomplish this nowadays. Years ago stay sober 1day was extremely painful. I love see how I improved my discipline with drug.

November goals and how I will start building an empire.

life roll situation:

- $500 life roll (plus $150 loan from bank)

- $1k bills to pay on day 5

- $1k more bills at day 15

- $880 debt with friend on day 24. Other debts can wait without any problem. (he know Im busted and said ok, just do your best)

I might have another bullet... let me explain:

Talking with friend about my situation he told me he knows someone who swap credit card money for money in hands charging 15%. I have 2 credit card. One that I use daily with $800 month limit and an old international credit card that I don't for a long time with ~$6k month limit. If this $6k credit card still working, I will have $5,3k more in my hands. half to pay bills and half taking a shot at 5/10 live game. At live game the place I used to play charge only 10%.

If this credit card works will be very good, I will be able to breath but I need pay attention becasue I see tons of potential to became a big snowball with huge fees... but thats what I have and I like my chances . If this old credit card doesn't work, I will swap credit card money $800 for cash in paper and will pay debts and all I will have will be $2283. (this $800 credit card is the card I use daily to normal things). At least don't need cashout anything from poker roll until I move up.


POKER PLAN:

$2283 roll.

Starting at nl50, will add some nl100 tables when I have $4k and only play nl100 when I have $5,5k . Add nl200 tables when I have $8k.

120k hands. Play 21 days, thats 5,7k hand per day. I will be playing 4,5k-5k hands per day during week and 6k hands day during weekends.


what I expect:

- 15bb winrate I will be happy 8/10. I mean, its my job. 10/10 is 20bb or more.

- 10bb winrate I will be 5/10. 12% chance.

- 8bb or less I will be sad 1/10. 5% chance 5bb or less is 1% chance.

This means... (if I run ok)

after ~40k hands I will be playing nl100. and before month ends I will be adding nl200 tables .

I imagine things going well and I winning $10-12k this month. Not doing math calcs, just a roughl guess.

DO THE BEST POSSIBLE WITH THE TOOLS YOU HAVE.

last thing to remember : if things goes wrong, ok, part of the game. you might lose... variance is huge and you run bad . Do the best you can, if you do this, and you lose, ok, its fine. If you do the best you can and a disaster happens, if you really did the best possible, then you will be happy.

* poker plan depends on credit card stuff, because if credit card doens't works, when I will have to cashout a bit on day 5. Anyway, lets be positive and imagine credit card will work . Having $5k poker roll with $100 at bank is one thing. having $5k poker roll with $5,3k at bank is another thing.

Didn't play poker at Wed like I planned because I was gambling sporbets all day. . This can't happen again until I clear all debts. At least this time I ran good one day... after 3 weeks, one good day .

Roll was at $2,3k, I ran it up to $5,2k with sportbets. I already lost my mind... I mean, I won and still pissed. The thing is, I made the same bets I did last weeks, now Im broke making baby bets I win, at huge bets I ALWAYS lose. its ridiculous. Maybe I shouldn't be crying because this ''baby'' bet was 50% of my liferoll...

I did cashout $2,2k to survive in november. Now I have one confortable month and $3k to play poker. Plan was play nl50 and nl100, but I changed to nl100+, only 30buy ins, but thats enough for a snake alive with a 45.

here is the plan I made before the session I just played.

step 1: be back at nl200/nl100 as fast as possible. I need + $9k .
step 2: pay R $900 and D $100. dead line is 24nov. I need +$1k
step 3: cashout $3,1k. 1st week of december I will have 0$.
step 4: pay F $13k.
step 5: cashout $8k. $3k to pay condo that I didn't pay and $5k to survive
step 6: pay $20k to P.
step 7: cashout $5k to survive
-- I might take a shot $10k shot at 500zoom.
step 8: pay $20k to P.
step 9: cashout $5k to survive
step10: pay $12,5k to P2.

Thats almost $100k... so, lets make put this way: I need/want make $100k until 1st July. At summer18 I go travel.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KCy7lLQwToI