Thanks, man!

Always enjoy kind words.

Yeah I find that observing it is different from denying it or suppressing it. When you suppress a feeling, it doesn't go away. It comes back stronger sooner or later. Observing it and giving it room to breathe without identifying or engaging with it lets it run its course and flow through. This way, every moment is closer truth - nothing is contrived.

Engaging with doubts and fears gives it fuel to grow. Suppressing it with overcompensation allows it to fester. In between there's a balance of respecting it enough to acknowledge it while at the same not letting it affect you.

It's hard to know that balance, but hey, that's what self-reflection is all about.

"This too will pass."

I'll just start typing to prevent myself getting stuck in thought.

A sensation arises, and it passes. It is never permanent, so why suffer from it?

I have a losing day, and then another. Another pot lost, another suck-out suffered. When does it end? It never does. I have no control how the cards play out. What I have control over is how I react.

Another pot lost. The familiar sting appears. Why is my forehead itchy all of a sudden? Why did I almost automatically scratch it? I'm not tilting, I'm in control. I take a conscious breath and continue forward.

Another buy-in lost. The familiar sting appears. This time it has spread throughout my body. I feel hot.

"****"

Another. The same friend appears. I greet it with anger. A mouse is slammed.

Then a refreshing breath finds a way in.

I smile.

"This too will pass."

Another pot lost. The sensation flows in. I observe.

"This too will pass."

An pot won. This time the cousin. I observe.

"This too will pass."

A pot lost. Hello, friend. This time his stay is shorter.

Another pot slides whichever way. Simply, just another chance to observe.

I've only written in this PG&C thread when I've been inspired to write - to share something. Before writing anything, I would think about a subject for a while. I'd formulate a theme, an agenda, a point, before typing a single letter.

I'd like to try something different for the next 30 days. I'd like to initiate writing first and see what naturally comes out after. So often in life, we formulate plans before ever stepping foot into pool, and we try to account for everything. But the pool is infinite and there's no way we can ever contain it. We have to jump in first to but understand what it means to be surrounded by water. We can learn all about the swimming, but until we actually start swimming, we will never understand it. As trite as it sounds, life starts with the first step, it never starts before. But here's the thing, life REWARDS you when you take the first step. It opens doors and opportunities that you weren't privy to before. Then you get excited at all the possibilities and life then tells you to shut up and pay attention, because there's more, there's so much more. Your ego shrinks because you start understanding your rational mind can never contain it, can never control it, and you surrender to the Whole - to Compassion.

So I'm not sure what I'll come up with in the next 30 days. I'll just continue writing. Continue writing and out-running my rational mind, my self-critical mind and hopefully reach a point of pure unadulterated self-expression. Even if it's for a single true sentence among pages of contrived drivel.

In spirit of yesterday's post, I am writing whatever comes into my mind. I am writing this before today's string of sessions. I woke up late today, which is a disappointment, as I have been trying to wake up at 5am to meditate for one hour and exercise before I play. So far, I've done it about twice this year. I'll get the hang of it though, and it'll become a easy habit.

Today, I want to focus on playing as long as possible while remaining as relaxed as possible. I've noticed the right side of my body stays very tense because that's the hand I use my mouse with. I care too much about results when I am playing poker and try to force things to happen that I have no control over. I am going to simply relax while playing today and let things come and go. This does not mean a relaxation of focus, I will maintain high awareness of both my opponent and myself as well. I will make sure I do not, in anyway, act upon a sensation. Remaining stoic throughout the day is my number one priority.

This year has been interesting so far. I feel like I've grown so much as a person, but my poker path has been a bit stunted. I don't blame it on personal growth, I think it's extremely necessary if I want to grow as a poker player, but I can only spread so far before I lose focus in one area. I see it all as an ebb and flow process and ultimately my flow will come back stronger than before. January and February were months to find my footing, and March and the upcoming months will be when I lunge forward and run as fast and far I can. If I want to make a million this year, I need to be able to handle discomfort. I will need to learn how to keep running when my lungs are hurting.

Subbed, pretty heavy chit after my mid-afternoon 420 medication session

One thing I'm going to start doing next month is planning my day ahead to the smallest detail and sticking to it. I've always had a disdain for schedules and structures, but I believe they are necessary if I want to reach high goals. Removing impromptu decisions and creativity sometimes feels like a blow to the human spirit, but constraints can actually enhance creativity. Sonnets are highly structured poems that accentuate creativity rather than dull it. Naughty Dog, the creators of Crash Bandicoot, were hailed as programming geniuses because they were able to make amazing games despite Playstation 1's limitations. They were able to stretch the given boundaries to the fullest extent.

By structuring my day before, I am also allowing my brain to become more present throughout the day. I will not have to plan ahead and decide what do eat, what to do, when to start, when to end, or deal with any other decision that may distract me from the present moment. I'll be able to simply pay attention fully at the task at hand. I'll be able to become immersed to the infinite possibilities between the given boundaries.

I'll be able to play.

Okay, let's do this. Let's flow through.

its really hard for me to make a case for sitting for more than a few hours at a time when there is so much real life to be taken in
just for health reasons
my body is happier when moving
i know this about myself
but that's my journey...

i've tasted enough of poker to know that there is something awful at the heart of it
layers and layers of self deception and manipulation
zen is about stillness
and right mind
exploitative strategies fits in the "right mind" exactly how?

the smell of the money is what gets me in the end
too much terrible history made every day by people with it
it is a tool used

plus i seem truer to myself when broke
using my brain to help others seems like my road
they are happy for my perspectives
i'm happy to help

your body wants to move
get out of your chair once an hour and do something physical
oxygenated blood fuels better decisions

play less, but for stakes that feel like a punch in the stomach when you lose
this is the only way to conquer fear
face it

i know that the only reason i made it thru the depressive side of my genetic gift was to embrace it as a friend.... i liked that you echoed that discovery

come on in friend... your cousin was just here... lets feel as ****ty as possible while you are here... ill get the red wine and morrissey albums

when i listened to the world i heard the internet say, what are you doing here? you arent old or sick or infirm... get some sun, son,

which is why i about the yoga retreat

keep on searching, i have a book to get to, peace and thanks for the good read

thx for those words. they were beautiful

Awesome thread.. I really like reading your introspective posts. I do a lot of this kind of thinking too, and I'm fascinated with the way the mind works.

It's a good relief from all of the threads of a degen nature on this forum

Good luck to you.. I'll be following.

Oh, and Steve Jobs used to plan his day meticulously so he didn't have to make those annoying little decisions every day like what to wear, what to eat, etc. He just had a black turtle neck and jeans set out for every day and wore them.

I'm sure you've heard about decision fatigue as well. Basically we should be trying to make basic life decisions automatic, kind of like many of our poker decisions. Deciding what to eat should be as easy as deciding what to do with AA preflop, but not planning for it can wear down on your mind as you decide what the hell you have in the house, what you want to cook, do I need to go to the store? etc...

I've also started planning every day starting a week ago as I've never really been a planner, but it's nice not to have to spend my mental energy on little things, and then always have something spring up that I forgot about. Plus, when you write something down, you don't have repetitive thoughts about doing it and having to constantly remind yourself to do it.

First time seeing this thread, and it's fascinating. Very unique for these forums, in a way which at least to me is really refreshing.

Up at 5am by default. Couldn't sleep all night and had to make due with about an hour of light sleep. I take it as a blessing in disguise as I would have trouble otherwise waking up at 5am. Cheers to keeping up this habit from here on out. This one was a freebie.

Hello,

On my way back to Mexico. Saw some old friends yesterday and it was awesome. It's interesting how much I've changed in the past year. I don't let things affect me negatively as much anymore. I also don't let myself get carried away when feeling good. Poker has not only changed my life, but it's saved my life. I wonder what I would have been like if I had taken a job that didn't allow such ample time of self-reflection. I was pretty miserable before and I'm not sure if I would have gotten conscious enough to break through that misery. I would have obviously never had the time to go on the 10-day meditation retreat. But besides that, I wouldn't have had the opportunity to inspect myself daily because I would have been so caught up with the daily grind. I would have blamed my job, my wife, the economy and my past for my unhappiness, never realizing unhappiness is solely created by me from within. Maybe. Maybe I would have still gone down a path of self-reflection in a different way. However, I know for a certain that the path of poker has lead me here, to a state of contentment and I might even go so far to say to a state of happiness. If not happy, I feel like at the very least I know the direction to happiness.

^^ I agree 100% with that

When you're miserable at a normal job your only thought process is "god, I really don't want to come back to this place tomorrow."

You spend all day dreading it, thinking about how you read that statistic about 90% of people hating their jobs, so you just deal with it because it's "normal."

You never get to take time (or even think about taking time) to figure out what the hell is actually going on in your life. I think one of the main benefits of being self-employed is you have that flexible schedule that allows you to take some time to think about what's going on inside you when you're unhappy, and you can change paths. It's much harder to change paths when you have a normal job that you are basically screwed without since finding a new job can take a long time.

Change is possible.

Change is beautiful. Change is powerful. Change is the central nature of the universe.

I've changed. I am changing. From moment to moment to moment to moment. Each breath completely new. I am anew every second.

No need for attachment. No need for suffering. This too will pass.

Love is change.

“You want to know how to paint a perfect painting? It's easy. Make yourself perfect and then just paint naturally.” - Robert M. Pirsig

Too often we rely on outside form to dictate how we should act. We believe that the world is solid all the way through and things are just the way they are. We don't focus on what's going on inside. We don't realize how important our insides are. We don't realize that how we are inside is actually everything there is and that the outside is only a mere reflection of that. There is no separation of the outside and the inside - that is just an illusion created by the mind, which in turn is also part of the universe. Again, another fractal.

Poker is an art. It's an expression of who we are and what we believe.

How like"Old" are you and stuff mannn?

Never give your power to anyone. Never sell yourself short. Be realistic, but on your own terms. Question everything about what you believe in yourself. Find out where every belief comes from. Find out my motives - discover, examine, and re-examine my definitions of success, happiness, and reality. Reflect, and reflect again. What is this connection that we all feel? We all wink at it, but never explore it further. Because it's crazy - irrational.

You are strong enough. The world may you give you millions of different reasons to give up and give away your power, but please understand that you are strong enough. You are able to hold onto negativity, contain it, and without any complaints, without any ego, you can take another step forward to positivity - to Compassion.

?

I am turning 28 this year

Just got done watching The Fountain for the third time. Great movie. The movie reminded me about giving in to inspiration amongst other things. Great moments of discovery can happen at seemingly random points. Tesla had the inspiration for alternating current while having a near seizure. Einstein conceded that hypothesis don't necessarily stem from inductive reasoning alone, but from an unknown place.

We live in a world of paradox. Or perhaps, we're just not intellectual developed enough to make sense of a reality free from paradox. But that's the way it is. Godel's Incomplete Theorem and its dismantlement of Principia Mathematica proves that we do not live in a reality that can be defined strictly by logical and rational thinking. Only through creativity can we express reality in its entirety.

The present experience is all that is real. It is all that we need. There is no salvation anywhere else.

Exciting times in poker. We are going to make incredible strides in finding the solution for NL holdem in the coming year. Everyone is at the starting line at the moment, and the winner will be whoever puts in the most work in.

I have my running shoes on.

Hey 0desmu1, great thread, great initiative, great insights.

I share your poker journey in the sense that I view the game as practice for self-understanding, and even spiritual realization, if such things exist! For me the game is a martial art, a weird medidative practice that forces us to keep ground in the midst of a perpetual storm (mostly fuelled by ourselves and our own illusions). Finding ground in poker can be liberating in life as a whole, because we train ourselves to understand and resist our inclinations and past conditionning (which budhists call karma).

Ultimately, poker doesn't have to be only about fame and money, although those 'rate' our level of achievement, to a certain extent. But there is also : finding peace through poker (and despite poker!), getting to know the human mind, both the rational and irrational part, the subtle langages that flow around (especially in live games, with body langage and presence at the center), the creativity that arises from that, which you mentionned above (interesting insight about creativity / structure ; freedom / rules).


I like to write about poker sometimes, and you can find some stuff here, if it interests you!

Cheers, GL for your goals, and keep up with the learning and sharing!

I wrote a long post comparing Marlon Brando and his paradoxical mannerism of both having total respect and total disregard to things happening around him and the contradictory nature of the teachings of Confucianism and Taoism, but I got logged out in between writing the post and posting it so it got lost in the ethereal realm of the internet. I admit, I was pretty proud of it and got pretty annoyed when it became erased. The sentiments I wrote felt true to the moment and re-writing it felt like it would lose the essence. And it would, I would think. The ideas I would try to express again would be convoluted, trying to recreate something that was already spontaneously created, rather than producing something new and true. However, this is true. This moment is as true as the one I had writing the previous post, and deserves the same level of attention and respect as the other one. What is being produced is secondary to my relation to the moment when producing whatever What is.