I've been intending to do a PGC for a very long while and am finally getting around to it. Hopefully it will be at least mildly rewarding for all parties involved. Perhaps the only party will be myself, in which case I hope to get used to and enjoy the echo of my own voice.

A brief poker background: I've been playing professionally for the past 3 yrs both online and live. In my late teens/early 20's I played a bit of online poker and a handful of times live and, despite decent instincts and feel for the game, was a loser (5-10k) due mostly to poor bankroll management, though I'm sure I was horrible back then also. After a very lengthy hiatus, I got back into the game on Bovada in 2013, made my first withdrawal ever (!!!) and started studying videos and reading a great deal of material online. Because I moved to NJ to live with my brother that same year (entirely unrelated to poker) I played on the NJ sites and grew a meager few hundred dollars into a 10K bankroll. In addition, over the course of a year and a half I grinded the 1-2 game at the Borgata and built my live bankroll from $300 to roughly 30k. I started to play 2-5 over the past 6 months and have made that my main game.

A less brief real background: I'm 34, single, live in Newark, NJ (and sometimes at the Borgata: I stayed 75+ days straight at the Borgata/Harrahs last January/February due to using me and some friends' comp nights), and have an unconventional past. From age 13 until now I have dealt with severe depression and crushing anxiety that has yielded a life in disarray. Though I was/am very smart, it took me until age 26 to get my BA (started at Penn State, transferred to Colgate in NY, eventually finished at PSU after several leaves of absence). I've had tremendous difficulty getting a job due to my avoidant personality/anxiety/depression. While I have an excellent skill set, I'm extremely insecure and unsettled most of the time and when not on any medication/treatment my life devolves into suffering alone in my room for extended periods of time (months/years). I've seen dozens of psychiatrists, taken over 45 different psychotropic medications (even those ordered by me from EU countries that have different drugs available that are not FDA approved), been in a clinical trial at Columbia U. for an experimental drug, and been hospitalized for my condition. Over the years the condition has proven to be quite treatment resistant, though I have managed it far better the past few years with poker in my life and a couple of different medications which have moderate efficacy though significant side effects. Interestingly, if you met me there's a very good chance you would never believe all of this to be true. I'm quite friendly and warm, and I manage to hide myself well by asking others tons of questions since I'm insatiably curious.

The purpose of this: I'm not entirely sure yet. I tend to not talk about myself as much in my relationships with others and I give a lot more than I take, so part of this PGC is so that I have at least some canvas by which to express myself. Basically, I want to be able to talk to other like-minded players (compassionate, thoughtful, mature types), and challenge myself to take steps in poker, and in life, that I haven't taken before. Since I am naturally a scared person, I'd like to make some goals here that put me to the test and force me into some uncomfortable situations that might yield long-term benefits. I'm skeptical of myself, but I'm always skeptical of myself. Thanks for reading: let's see how this goes.

Good luck OP! Subbed and curious how this journey goes!

Good luck mate, look forward to reading more of your pgc. I have had pretty much life long mental issues, and something I am looking to start doing once I can get out from under this ****, is the Wim Hof Method, someone I know was saying its really helped them with there mental issues, so much so that they have been able to get off there medication.

Been waiting for your PGC. In of course. You do come across very happy go lucky so would never imagine your struggles. If you ever need to talk poker or anything else you know where to find me!

Interested to see where you take this thread, gl with the journey boss.

Clever title I can relate as I also lived at Borgata for a few months in 2013, have struggled with depression and anxiety in the past. GL with your goals, will be following along!

Thanks very much. We'll see though (I've been known to disappoint)!

Thank you. Obviously I empathize a great deal with anyone else whose had mental health issues (and hopefully I'd be similarly empathetic even if I didn't have my own struggles). I'd heard of Wim Hof but not his method, until now. I'm generally wary of treatment methods that haven't undergone significant scientific research/clinical trials, but I do also think that if there is little/no cost, material or health-wise, other than a very small amount of one's time, then it's worth trying basically anything to improve mental health. Unfortunately for me I cannot subsist without medication, but obviously everyone is different. Feel free to PM me if you have any additional recommendations/thoughts/questions about mental health care: this is a subject I know some things about.

Thanks J: I really appreciate it. I've been following you too and am happy to see things going so well. Careful against the V-man though! I was watching the HU yesterday and pretty nervous for you. That's the kind of I really admire, but don't have.

It's sadly quite possible that the title of the thread will be the most redeeming thing about it . It's nice to meet another one-time Borgata resident. I enjoy your art, by the way (I took a look at your website).

I'm going to write out some goals for the rest of the month and post them tomorrow.

I have also suffered (and I use that word lightly) from bad anxiety almost my entire life. About a year ago it got very bad, and I ended up on Ativan which I took every day for about 8 months straight since last Christmas. It got bad at that time and around April, I saw a video on youtube about a lady being cured of crippling anxiety after a visit to her chiropractor. It seems when the C1/Axis is misaligned on the top of your neck, it puts pressure on nerves going into the brain which causes anxiety, depression, and in my case bad insomnia as well.

To make a long story short after he saw C1 was out and adjusted it, I felt immediate results. I had to go back about 3 times a week for the first month then slowly less and less frequent. I'm now down to once a month for maintenance but I'm completely cured and also stopped the ativan (along with everything else I was taking to sleep) a few months ago (I had to slowly keep cutting the pill until I was down to an 8th of a mg).

Since that time I've sent two people to see him. One was an 18 yr old kid who had bad anxiety and another one was an older lady, both of them had the same exact issue and felt an immediate relief. I don't think this is a fluke. I suggest anyone going through this should have their upper cervical spine checked and adjusted by a chiropractor. Costed me $40 a visit (non insured rate).

I am really wary these days, theres a lot of con men out there, this is the only guy I would put my faith in though because he has Guiness records, and has scientists studying him and his method. Yeh definitely wouldn't stop the meds though.

Thought this was a decent vid explaining how the breathing technique aspect of the method works.

I see Hitchens, I sub!

solid title. part of me will always have some weird connection to AC. GL!

A great title got me to this thread, and the excellent writing quality and compelling story will keep me reading.

Good luck on your journey!

+1

If you're half as smart as Hitch you'll do well.

Getting off benzos is not easy, so that should be considered a triumph in itself. This chiropractic treatment option is something I'll take a look at. Thanks for the recommendation.

(Hitch on Jerry Falwell, two days postmortem, to Sean Hannity) “If you gave Falwell an enema, he could be buried in a matchbox."

I have an affinity for the city as well, despite its rather serious flaws. Thanks.

That's very kind of you and thank you.

The guy would get plastered at his own dinner party and then disappear for a bit to go write a 5000 word essay to turn in the next day before returning to the party.

One of my favourite people ever. Truly upsetting to have lost him so soon. It's so incredibly rare you see someone with such intellect who is so socially transportable as well. The definition of a real genius imo.

Some monthly goals (by January 1st):

25 RIO vids

I've watched about 2 videos a day over the past month on average, and am particularly enjoying learning mixed games through Christopher George, George Danzer, and James Obst. I just started to play in a small private mixed game once a week but am hoping to become proficient enough one day that I can play stud or OE in a casino setting. I'm not even remotely close to that point.

75 live hours

It can be excruciatingly boring at times and remarkably unpleasant when one's tablemates make it so, but I simply have to put the hours in.

1 Tinder/OKC/Bumble/Person met in real life date (by Feb 1st since I'm going to be traveling a lot)

My futility with women is as impressive as it is sad, so this is probably the goal I'm most likely to fail at. I'm petrified of interacting with attractive single women to the point of paralysis, unless I'm on medication. Fortunately I'm *heavily* medicated.

Medication: Mirtazapine, 45 mg before bed

How long I sleep while on this medication: 10 hrs average with about 2-3 hours after waking where I'm in a semi-sedated stupor

How much I look forward to taking the medication, on a scale of 1-100, knowing that the next 12-13 hours after taking it are "accounted for": ~5

A few pictures:



For whatever reason, I felt compelled to have this shirt made a couple of years ago. Then I felt really embarrassed to wear it, so I didn't for awhile. Anyway, I do still like it.



I may or may not have heating implements in my hotel room that can cook oatmeal, brown rice, and beans and toast bread, bagels, and rolls.

Disparate thoughts:

I don't stare people down as I find it really uncomfortable/unnecessary, but just one time (after they execute some really bizarre/inexplicable play) I feel like I should give someone the Larry David-look of skepticism while playing the music from my phone that is played when he's in those stare downs on Curb.

I have many leaks when it comes to live play, but I think the worst of all is that I'm simply not a very competitive person at heart. I do not like adversarial relationships and poker is defined by them. These relationships are far more acutely felt when playing live than when playing online against avatars and screennames. I think that often when I feel an urge to not play (which is frequent), it stems in large part from this trait in myself. And of course it affects my ability to be cut-throat, and thus my bottom line. I will say that the detrimental effect it has on my game is mitigated to some degree by my obsessive personality, which in my head demands that "hands be played the right way". But the amount of times I've kinda just given up "competing" in certain hands is bothersome. I wonder if other people feel like this?

I need to stop playing Spin and Gos. I've played probably 15k+ Spins since PSNJ entered the market, and though I'm a winning player, it's just a time-suck that isn't worth the effort I've put in. I'm sure my hourly is pathetic. I'd like to make some online cash/tourney goals for the next month or two but am not sure exactly where to start.


This is a modest beginning but I'll add a couple more things in the coming days.

**** I need that shirt.

Bump?

A non-poker story:

As a young kid I was happy. I had a good family, excelled at school, sports, and music, and while I was never really popular, got along with everyone very well. So it was unusual when I called my mom at work on a February afternoon while in 8th grade and told her that I had a headache and didn't feel well when in fact I didn't have a headache and felt physically fine. At the time I didn't know exactly why I made up the story: I was not a manipulative child in the slightest. I just remember thinking that I didn't want to go to school the next day and that telling her I was sick would solve the problem. My parents had no reason not to believe me and I stayed home the next day. A week later I was still at home and still complaining about having a headache and not feeling right. I had spent the entire week in bed or on the couch doing nothing but watching TV and playing video games. I was no longer playing soccer on my travel team or practicing piano. My parents were getting concerned but thought it was just a virus. That's what my pediatrician said and that made sense for the time being. Three weeks later with no abatement of symptoms, according to me, and the situation appeared more complicated. I continued to tell the same story to my doctor and he'd thus referred me to a pediatric neurologist. A CT Scan and MRI were done, to no avail. My parents were scared and I was scared, for different reasons. I would sit in my room all day, usually in the dark, emerging to watch TV or play video games. Another month went by of doctor's visits and me idling in my room. My parents were desperate, so we went to Boston to meet with one of the preeminent child neurologists in the country whom a family member knew. I provided him the same answers I did everyone else: headaches all the time, dizzyness if I tried to read or move around a lot, and low energy all the time. He listened and looked at more test results and said there's nothing he could see given the evidence provided. We went back to Albany and I'd missed 2+ months of school. At some point around then one of the doctors recommended that my parents just push me to go back to school and see what happens and if the symptoms subside. They forced me to go back for a day, and I came back saying I couldn't do it again. I said the headaches got worse. My parents got a recommendation for a local child neurologist and sent me to him. He said they needed to do a spinal tap to test the cerebrospinal fluid. When I expressed great fear about the procedure being done and refused to participate, he seemed very annoyed. He also seemed skeptical of my story and repeatedly pushed me for details on how I felt. I stuck to my story. Eventually the school year was almost over and I'd missed ~4 months. Around this time I told my parents I was starting to feel better, but still had some residual headaches. Since I had been such a strong student prior, the school district decided I could graduate middle school as long as I took some tutored classes over the summer. As the school year ended, my parents brought me to a psychologist whose expertise was in biofeedback, hoping it could be of some benefit to my supposed headaches. In the first appointment alone with him I told him I had a secret but I couldn't say it. He told me to write it down on paper and leave it with him at the end of the appointment and we'd talk about it next time. It took some convincing but I agreed, and I wrote down that I had faked the whole episode.

A poker story:

I got *actually* sick last Sunday (how's my credibility after reading the previous passage?) and it really ruined me the past week and a half. I have a terrible immune system and get sick regularly, which, if I believed in any superstition at all might lead me to think that it's some form of wicked retribution for my Munchausen episode. Anyway, I'm sure my poor physical health is in part related to not being emotionally healthy. That could be the subject of another long-winded story. Regardless, I've been at the Borgata the whole time but have not played as many hours as I wanted. The time in bed did give me a ton of time to watch RIO videos and that goal is already completed. I never made an online poker goal as I planned to but I'm still not sure what to do. Maybe 10000 hands in .25/.50+.50/1 in January in addition to my live hours. Maybe I'll play some online tournaments or something. I don't know yet.

I'm curious - can you remember why you faked that illness as a child? That seems like a really awful experIence for your parents.

Man, if those were legal I'd take 1 per week. 10 hours of sleep!!! that's a complete pipe dream for me.

With mental health, the older i get the more exercise is all about mental health. I work out everyday for that reason. I'm happier and easier going from lifting/treadmill work.

I don't look much different now by exercising. I also recommend intermittent fasting which elevates my mood considerably. I'm a weak man so I cannot fast as often as i should.

I love the thread. Will be following and rooting for you.

I cut out sugar in October and had the best health this fall/winter I've ever had. I know that's anecdotal but it worked for me. Read Gary Taubes book on sugar. It's amazing.

I'm obviously not OP but when I was a kid I got 'sick' a lot on and off and didn't realise until much later that the nausea/headaches/weird feeling was anxiety. All I knew then was that I felt really bad and felt less bad if I was at home.

Gl OP. Happiness is a journey. So long as you're trying to progress things will continue to improve for you.

In my account of the episode I intentionally left out most of what I was thinking at the time or the reasons why, since I thought that would make it for a more convoluted narrative. I can be a bit verbose at times and thought I might go on forever if I started including motivations, etc. Maybe I'll go on forever here.

The proximate cause for doing what I did was a growing sense of anxiety that related to school. Until 8th grade I'd never really gotten any final grades lower than a 97, outside of a 94 in 6th grade gym one quarter because I was scared of swimming and refused to dive headfirst into the pool. In 8th grade science class I got a 90 in the 2nd quarter and could tell that there were students in the class stronger than I. They picked up on the material quicker and it made me feel like I was a failure. I had scored in the 99th percentile on standardized tests since grade school, scored ~1100 on the SAT's as a 7th grader, and always been a top student. The only place I'd previously felt outclassed was at a Johns Hopkins CTY summer camp I'd gone to after 5th grade, where there were some legit prodigies/geniuses (for example: a 9 year old girl who could read the entire A section of the NY Times in under 45 minutes).

The root cause is an avoidant personality disorder which very likely was brought about or exacerbated by hitting puberty. Many mental illlnesses have their onset (or become more pronounced) during adolescence, and that certainly seemed to be the case in my experience. My specific form of AvPD has a great deal to do with feeling inadequate and fearing rejection. Clearly I felt deficient in my school performance, but being scared of being judged harshly by others (about anything/everything) factored strongly into what happened as well. Socializing for me has always been utterly exhausting as I always feel like I'm both participating in the conversation and also 'watching it from above', constantly assessing my performance in real-time from a hyper self-aware/self-critical perspective. And relationships around that age become much more complex with a lot more variables one has to concern themselves with. For me, rather than worry about what X girl thought when I said Y in a never-ending loop, I just gravitated towards a simple life of isolation in my room. Instead of yielding some form of serenity, though, it ended up just corroding my mind further.

Thanks for your support. I agree that exercise is paramount to good mental health, though I've also let it at times become an obsession that was actually very counterproductive.

Remeron/Mirtazapine is definitely legal! It's not OTC, if that's what you mean though. Also: just because I sleep well (i.e. feel like I was struck in the head with a baseball bat for 10-14 hrs after taking it) doesn't mean you would get the same effect. Have you ever tried trazodone or any sedative?

I loved Good Calories, Bad Calories and Why We Get Fat but haven't read the latest books. Even if there's some rehash from those books in the new one, I'd still like to look through it. Great recommendation and thank you.

Were these a form of a panic attack? Thanks for the well wishes. Though I'm not certain of the veracity of your final claim, I desperately want to believe it's true.

Assorted thoughts:

A few months ago I started carrying candy around the casino to give to different staff members, dealers, players, etc. I don't eat candy (or sweets for that matter, outside of a clif bar/powerbar preworkout), but I do garner some vicarious enjoyment from seeing others eat it, and I like giving gifts so I've kept up with it (for now). The response it gets in the poker room, in particular, can be funny. One funny (or sad, depending) response occurred the other day, when a player at the table simply couldn't understand/appreciate my motivation. First he said that he assumed I gave the candy away because I wanted players to, in return, go soft on me since they'd feel like they owed me. I said that that wasn't it at all and that if that were it then why do I give to dealers, floor people, security guards, front desk associates, etc. He remained dubious. He asked me why I don't sell the candy for money and that it didn't make any sense to just give it away. I told him that I wasn't interested in that type of transactional approach to it, and that I had no entrepreneurial ambition. He wasn't buying it (p. intended). We continued to talk about it for another minute, making zero headway as he continuously demonstrated comprehensive unawareness to the idea of altruism. Eventually I gave him a couple of Snickers (leading him to chk it down with me, his AA vs my KK on a T7224r board...kidding).

The lengths I go to figure out details pertaining to online NJ/live Borg poker players is kind of ridiculous, bizarre and perhaps (moderately) disturbing, as well. Obsessive thoughts have always been part of my condition, but there are times (say, when I'm on the facebook page of the brother/sister of some online NJ regular who I don't even play against and doesn't know I exist) when I can't really even believe the degree to which I'm curious about someone so unrelated to me. A couple of years ago I was trying to figure out basically who every 1-2 (and up) online NJ reg was, even though I had so little to go on in many cases (if I knew Gags or somebody like that, a 10 minute conversation of me peppering him with questions would have saved me hours upon hours of time). When it comes to live play, I'm frequently checking bravo (or the player cards when they're tossed to the dealers) to see if I can figure out who I'm playing against, what their history is in poker, etc. I've always wondered if anyone was like this but I'm guessing it's fairly rare. It's not exactly the type of thinking that is conducive to being a functioning adult.

Borgata's Do Not Disturb sign doesn't mean what you or I'd like it to mean. I feel bad for the maids. Apparently if they aren't allowed in your room such that they can dial some number on the phone to indicate that they've done their job in that room, it means that they have to go to another floor and clean a different room, which is very inconvenient for them (even though this explanation doesn't really hold up, at some point). So the maids are always really desperate to get into the room and dial that number. DND sign on the door? Not so reliable. Sometimes they'll just knock/come in and sometimes you'll get a call asking if you want service. When you leave a DND signed room, the maids are lurking and they want to know: do you need service, do you need towels, do you need ANYTHING? Your refusals for these things will bring about looks of great consternation or even exasperation from the poor maids. I wanted to start leaving "Sorry we did not let you in during our stay" notes for them but it's probably pointless.

I'll post tomorrow, reviewing my first couple goals from December, setting some new goals, and getting more poker-centric for the time being.

Subbed.

OP I believe that you simply possess a greater intensity of the problematic symptoms you have than most people. I don’t even know that a condition is the right word for what you have. I don’t like to label things like that necessarily. I think your intelligence is part of the reason why it’s so intense. I’ve got a lot of thoughts/firsthand experience/years of different types of professional help and personal research as well so I’m interested to hear your thoughts on what I say.

I experienced some of the crippling anxiety and constant-questioning about myself to a great degree my entire life. At times when I was younger I would worry that I was driving myself crazy because I would repeat things I’d say out loud over and over in my head, analyzing it. I was almost unbelievably insecure. I don’t know why. I just never was ok with who I was.

I was unable to cope so I did different things to try to cope with it - I lied about who I was - my past, and details about myself (even the most inane ones) constantly. I felt the need to paint a different picture, ANY picture, of myself to other people. I made up that I was adopted. The list went on and on.

I didn’t know it at the time but the fact that I was good at basketball would end up saving me from going down a worse path than the already bad one I was on. I learned how to be confident through that; being able to walk onto a court with confidence. Still, I lied. Constantly. Anything not to be me.

I covered up with my insecurity with cockiness. I started to get girls and although I never felt like they REALLY liked me the props I got from my friends made me feel good. It was all a big facade, of course. It just didn’t come crashing down til later.

Long story short I couldn’t ever find enough attention to ever feel good about myself. Started to have real bad panic attacks in my early 20’s. Always liked drinking and drugs (I stopped questioning myself so much when I was drunk or on coke) and spent 10 years either drunk, high, broke, homeless, in jail -you name it. Got worse as the years went on. Lucky to be alive a million times over. Got sober.

I mention my “stuff” because I believe with my full heart that you just have a different degree of many of the things I and others have experienced, and that you have just “coped” (actually, obviously, addiction or seclusion are both the opposite of coping) with it in a different way.

I think your issue isn’t your obsessive personality or your overactive brain. I think those are just things about you that make dealing with the real issue harder. I believe your real issue is that you don’t like who you see in the mirror. Maybe you think you do, or you like certain aspects, but you don’t to the extent that is necessary for a healthy life. I wholeheartedly think it’s something that can be fixed. I don’t want to clog the thread with unwarranted advice or whatever so I’ll leave it at that. I am 100% in your corner and will follow the thread closely. I’m rooting for you!