Hi All,
It’s been three years since I completed my previous challenge:
Anyway
cliffs for the 2015 thread are that I began playing full-time that year, at a range of stakes, from 1/2 to 25/50; played here in Melbourne, as well as the USA, mostly in Vegas and New Orleans, but also Florida and LA; logged very poor results at PLO and good results at NLH, making around 30k for the year.
Since 2016, I’ve experienced much repetition in my poker life, which, in terms of monetary results, has been a little under break-even:
Playing mostly 2-5 and 5-5 NLH over the last three years, I’ve twice taken breaks of four-months or more; during this time-off, I’ve played music overseas (France, Italy, Chicago), worked on a great unfinished novel, and looked seriously into the reality of a non-poker existence.
So now I’m playing 1/3 NLH, on a full-time schedule, rebuilding my bankroll. I fully acknowledge that what I’m doing isn't to be recommended, and, simply put, just doesn’t make sense to most outside observers. I’m 47 years old, with a Ph.D, a decent CV, play pretty good drums, etc., and am in a solid relationship, so, really, the thought, let alone the sight, of me grinding away at a low-stake/$300 buy-in/$15 raked game, most early mornings, should sound alarm bells (and p.s. thanks to all those dealers and players who’ve said as much to me in the past month or so).
What’s more, and, this is how I envision the value of this thread, the guy sitting at this game is not always the zen-like character he wishes himself to be; he’s angry and ashamed that he’s regressed to this level, after proudly being a 5/T regular, someone who had moved up from these stakes, five or so years ago.
One thing I can be relatively certain about is that anger doesn't get one very far in life, especially in poker. We all know, as poker players, the scenario where anger, not to mention shame (its hidden partner in crime), runs riot at the table. One person’s run-good is another’s run-bad, for we are playing a zero-sum game after all (disregarding the rake, of course, for those who choose to be technical); and few of us are the emotionless poker heroes we are meant to be---and thus does the anger arise, sometimes directed at the situation (what we may soberly regard as ‘variance’), but most of the time at our opponents, occasionally at ourselves.
And don’t get me wrong, I’m a relatively civil person, and play in the heart of one the world’s 'most liveable and wealthiest cities'. Having logged 5k hours as a live pro, all the while being a small winner, rarely do I openly show this anger and berate my opponents, nor do I often display any hint of aggrieved body language, which one could, if one felt the need, interpret as a form of hostility (I find that one does do this a bit more than one should, really).
But I know I’m angry most of the time when I lose. And seldom do I get a chance to express this anger, even in the private domain. My partner doesn’t even know the difference between a big and small blind. I don’t have any poker buddies. It's mainly this guy who keeps me company during the day, but he doesn't say much, particularly in the way of poker psych:
With him at my side, I'll continue to log results, keep a journal, occasionally analyse a hand, read 2+2, maintain the daily meditation practice. I'll still measure, on a spreadsheet, my ability to tolerate variance, maintain nutrition and mood levels, implement desired strategy, properly quit a game, remain sensitive to non-poker life.
However, these metrics aren’t sufficient: I need to openly document, for an understanding audience, the anger I experience at the poker table. So, this is what this thread will primarily be: a series of observations about my negative internal states, when grinding away at one of the smallest games in town. There will be occasional updates about my progress, too, with hand-histories included largely for the sake of context, and some periodical results for the sake of narrative momentum. I'm hoping there will be some optimistic thoughts scattered in the mix, as well, particularly those which aren’t entirely driven by the quantity of big-blinds made.
So, wish me luck, please, and thanks in advance, for the interest!