OMG

spot on

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Definitely taking a beating atm. Usually am able to shrug it off and 400 average buy-in downers (down to 50%) are bound to happen when you play such ridic fieldsizes. Yet, considering the last 3 months consisted of eating, sleeping, a little reading and watching old movies but above all pretty much just poker, often times in spite of me not being overly excited to do so, I would be lying if I were to say I'm in the bestest of moods right now.

This aweful mixture of feelings of anger, pain and self-pity that is so unique to poker or.. specifically poker-tournaments^^
I absolutely hate that feeling.
Anyhow I often feel like a complete fraud when I go outside into the real-world which is always good for a reality-check.
That is, passing some of the 3! million homeless people in this city.
The plan on saving as much money as possible has been officially on ice for the last two and a half months too as I'm living in a super save and comfortable condominium in walking distance of both casinos having paid ~600$ for rent +utilities.
I've never felt so white and privileged and ashamed in my whole life..
The doorman and the security guards amplify that feeling by licking out my anus everytime I pass by.. literally.

I've been scouting some areas but while it can definitely be done, this city is simply too dangerous for it to not be stupid. When some 13 year-old kid has to remind you, "you should watch out because there're some very bad people around here", I should probably do so.

My live-poker excursion has come to an end for now..
My beloveth 5 peso chip got jinxed and after running around 4k under all-in EV it had to be exchanged for a new 50 peso chip that turns out to be a grinder chip..at least I could make some low variance money and get some hours in when I wasn't keen to commit to a 9h+ grind online during a rough stretch. Overall it helped my game too as it reopened my eyes for spots of exploitation and extreme adjustments.
I remember a session I played in Sihanoukville last year where this Finnish guy, that allegedly frequents the cash games in Barcelona, repeatedly goes off on how I am so "Chee-thee-ohh", so "Chee-thee-ohh" after playing with me for a couple of days.. Took me a while til I understood he meant "GTO" which made me laugh quite hard..
I guess what he meant is that I happen to have some sort of gameplan in most spots as surely no one should play a GTO oriented game live lol.

Anyway, let's end this on a positive note!
3 days left until adventure time!

The plan:

I hear you on the poker downswing, depression-self-pity-anger-etc-ensuing emotions and being white and privileged in a third world environment. I also feel somewhat torn by living in a 600$ apartment in da nang right now (my younger self would of heavily criticized it), feeling outraged by my recent poker run bad while poverty is literally residing just outside my front door Hard to reconcile these emotions sometimes. Being privileged within omniscient poverty. Variance in poker. In life. Tilt. Entitlement. You know, all that jazz.

Really looking forward to your Philippines TR, some of these places new to me. Hope you will post some pics and off the wall stories Run good friend

Quick Update:



Arrived in Sablayan yesterday. Now it's only a 2h boat ride to "Apo Reef", the world's second-largest contiguous coral reef.


Place is filled with white-tip sharks, grey reef sharks and hammerhead sharks, which will soon be at risk of extinction.

A bit saddening when you have to travel this far to get to see sharks.

Couple of pics from snorkel excursions around Mindoro:



Awww


Awww


Sting-Ray


sea snake going to the surface to take a breath 3m in front of my face with sh**ty visibility..

Good luck for the huge funday Matteo!

I didn't make it all the way through to Puerto Princessa and flew back from Coron to Manila after 21 days. Will do a proper write-up shortly.

Now I'm sitting here and legitimately have no clue where to go for the first time... ever?
Stars continuing on it's path of total wrath was already anticipated and it's fair to assume there's more to come, which leaves me with not that much room to plan things ahead.

Yesterday I felt like yolo'ing a flight to Cape town (only 560 bucks!) from where I could later get to Namibia. Visa situation is pretty chill and I might not have that option anymore by the end of the year.

Southern Africa, Israel/Egypt and Nepal/Tibet are the endgoal travel destinations.

More "reasonable" options would be to:
a) fly to Macau and transition more into live. If games aren't as good, flights to Perth, Australia are very cheap for some reason. Could get to Melbourne afterwards and check out the Crown even though the rake is sky-high.

b) Extend my Visa, fly to Davao, stay and grind there for cheap until after SCOOP. Then re-valuate.

Thoughts?

All the best man, reevaluating as to where to take it from here as well, as far as poker goes... Didn't you exclusively play MTTs on Stars? If that is the case, how does the recent changes affect you so much?

As far as your potential plans are concerned, South Africa while gradually climbing your way up sounds like a very legit plan. I guess you would have to take a break from the grind for some time though (probably not in S-A, but internet might be unstable in some neighboring countries...). Australia sounds solid as well. Have you ever checked out DrTJO PG & C thread?

http://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/17...015-a-1500273/

Great writing and the dude goes through an epic cringe-worthy downswing, while staying grounded, keeping perspective, being honest and putting all of it in writing. Anyhow, he plays mainly at the Crown and lots of good info in there. I think Macau, would be a bad idea. Too much of a small, micro grinder's scene with nothing to do and not many outlets when the unavoidable DS hits... Davao sounds like an ok plan, but live games will be 50-100 at the most and only running occasionally. If you asked me to rank them, I would go for

1-Australia : Great country, lots to do, and even beaches in Sydney (one of my favorite cities).
2-South-Africa/travelling : Can't go wrong with new adventures.
3-Davao : Although the Philippines gets old fast, me thinks, and is somewhat limiting (despite the new areas to visit...).
4-Macau : bad idea, me thinks...

All the best man As you probably know, my plans have come down to either : playing online in Vietnam after my Canadian stint, or the Florida/New Orleans games.

Peace

edit : I heard someone talking about the juicy live games in Katmandou a few years back... If that area is an end game for you, might be worth it to look into it...

.

Sorry for the lack of updates, been getting crushed irl now too on top of the 17k downswing which has resulted in me killing more then 4 packs of Marlboro lights (unlucky at cards, lucky in love my ass..).
So yeah, going to have to donate about ~9k at some point. I won't look for any charitable organisations though cause I rather do it myself (no administration fees ftw).

Had some sort of "Matt Damon moment" at the casino tonight were I gii w/ 93, 91 & 91% within 3 hours and could not hold.
All in a fun fashion and generally very happy to take the Sklansky bucks but now I find myself cash broke once again.. Weeeeeee

All good though, took a lot of days off to study and my stats are trending to become much prettier this year and more like they should look like.
For example, at the end of last year I was running:
71% cbet, ~50% fold to 3bet, ~50% fold to cbet.
Nowadays it's 51% cbet, 42% fold to 3bet, 38% fold to cbet etc.
EVbb has been hovering around two digits on most sundays, so that's cool too.

New short-term goal is to ship the h82 on a sunday and everything will be juuuust fine!

boy, what a night.. had to break up a fistfight between a ladyboy and a gay.. prostitute? that ended at the police station where I had to explain to the authorities what happened.. bit embarrassing since the officer had to assume they were fighting over me, which might or might not be true.. idk my Tagalog is still very, very bad.
They held the guy at the police station so that the ladyboy and me could walk off peacefully. Invited her and another two working girls for dinner afterwards.
Getting to know people and their perspective from all walks of life. From self-made millionaires, generals and Korean comedians to drug dealers, pimps and hookers.
Made friends with some guys here that at first glance appear pretty intimidating but some turn out to be ridiculously kind. Full body tattooed and look like they carry around Tech-9's (maybe they do.. but if not they at least know someone that knows someone who does^^).

Looks like I'm trading the red-light district hostel where I've been sharing a room with a bunch of prostitues, for an appartment in Baclaran tomorrow.
Near the place where I got invited for dinner at christmas-eve by total strangers.
Would be cool to find them and do something meaningful for once in my life!
There was also this kid that gave me his number to go play some bball someday and I never ended up calling him. Idk what the f*** is wrong with me sometimes

3rd measure: The 3rd Day Grind

Played 33 sessions by now and expected to run much better (actually expected to snap ft the milly) during the 3rd day grind. Would've liked to post this w/ better results but hit the downer inside of a downer.
The idea is to put the outcomes for every 3rd session that I play together and use the profits to better my environment.
I could've just went with 33% of the total EV as there'll be a huge amount of variance in it's results but this way it'll keep some sort of "destined to be" element in it which is cool and helps to stay motivated.

Results so far:



Rules:
-It will run for the remainder of the year (at least)
-I will deduct 20$ +rb for every "3DG" session that I play by the end to cover living expenses

Already spent 575$ that I didn't clear yet, because why not

I need to write these things down now and feel the urge to capture this very crucial moment somehow.

For the last 5 days I've been more dead then alive.. Sleeping almost the entire day. Not even close to being able to put in some work..
When I'm not sleeping I smoke cigarettes and walk around the slums. I have not seen a white person in about 6 days.. perfect.
This sheer chaos that unfolds around me is the perfect metaphor for what is going on inside me. One of the reasons why I'm so attracted to it. There's something beautiful to it.
This seemingly never ending struggle.. I can relate to the suffering because I've been tormented for a whole f***ing long time now.. By my own divided soul.
To the point where I'm having some really messed up psychological nightmares of my manic-depressive mother who is blowing her brains out with a handgun.. Her comitting suicide is one of my biggest fears. And I'm on the other side of the world minding my own business.
I'm also barely able to eat. Fairly sure I'm down to <64kg now..
But I still look quite fat standing next to the folks here, that is for sure.

I hit a new low-point. It feels like a relief to become aware of that.

On wednesday when I was lying in bed, across of the aforementioned prostitutes who would oftentimes just run around nacked and tease each other, driving me insane, I found myself fantasizing how I would just end this today and go f**k both of them, to forcefully fall into the abyss of full blown hedonism. Just to force some change.
They were still asleep..

I'm slowly getting the pieces of the puzzle together now. I think it could be summarized with one single word... DOUBT
I'm doubting my ideals. If they're even worth striving for. I'm doubting their practicality. Their necessity. But above all.. I doubt that even if they would turn out to be worth striving to and turn out to be practical and of necessity.. I doubt that I will ever be able to fully dedicate my life to it and be able to make those sacrifices.. So I doubt myself.
And there's this overwhelming fear that even if I were to overcome myself,
and God knows there is nothing in this world that I ever wanted more..
It would ultimately end in utter demise.. death.

Then I try to remember what I've been thinking about for years. That, and I quote: "Given that it's certain that we die. When and how doesn't matter."

There's about 3 options on what will eventually happen:

1. I accomplish the Goals

2. I will die trying

3. I fail

There is no coming back. I won't just grab my things, go home and live a normal life.
If I fail I will abandon this world.
I have some ways in mind on how to do that but I don't want to name them yet.

All this time I more or less thought that I just got carried away by my freedom that hovers above me like the sword of Damocles. Dizzied of infinite possibilities..
But it is not freedom that overwhelms me, it is doubt.


So.. back to wednesday. I leave the hostel and hit the streets of Malate. In front of a 7/11 I bump into this dirty, squalid 13 year old kid that's begging for food/money.
"Sorry", "dude", "no", "I can't help you".
Completely immersed in my own world I just move forward while he is trying to block my way.
Passing a McDonald's I decide to shove some burgers into my throat. I buy him a cheeseburger meal. I ask him what his name is. "Marc Anthony de la Cruz" he proudly introduces himself.
When I asked about his parents he made a very clear gesture, demonstrating they are dead.
A second kid named "PJ" shows up. He's one of tens of thousands of streetchildren in Asia that rather sleep on the streets then to live at home where they suffer domestic violence.
Turns out the kid is really smart, we were talking about politics and the oncoming elections and he had a surprisingly opposing opinion then everybody else I talked to. He told me about the gang wars and how this part of the district is hostile towards the district that starts at this and that street etc. About the "syndicates" they fortunately don't belong to, that profit off most of the children that are begging or selling bracelets or flowers.

When I got back to the hostel in the middle of the night, I realized that I just spend this whole time strolling around the streets with at some point 4 kids, not thinking about all those issues at any point. Instead of having a threesome with two prostitutes and thereby completely erase what little was left of me, I was playing Dota at the internet cafe..

I had to think about all the streetchildren I've met in Cambodia.
I refused to take their bracelets when they offered them to me as a gift.. "Take them, so you won't forget us", the oldest girl said.

A lot of things make sense now!

It seems like dark and gloomy times friend... I can identify to the sentiment of achieving your quest or die trying, a strong determination that kept me company in the past when I was trying to find an answer to my pain... In fact, I can relate to pretty much to every single word that was written. The hope. Desperation. Intensity.

Manila is probably second (and a close first) on my list of place visited that I hated the most. It is not only the chaotic urban settings, the poverty, the vibes, the insane amount of homelessness, but the fact that being immersed in such surroundings while not striving to change any of it for the better, brings a sense of hopelessness to me. But I feel that is precisely what attracts you to such a place and that perhaps your end (utopian) goals might just revolve around such a walk of life and helping the people inhabiting it... (helping out street children, perhaps...). Anyhow man, am sending out much love.

Peace.

Damn dude, it hit me hard to read all that

I think the way you strive for your ideals is very admirable and I can't pretend I can fully relate to being amidst of real poverty and problems while dealing with your own. It sounds hard as **** and massive respect for the way in which you try to achieve your goals (whatever they may specificly be). I wanna say it sounds like you should try to put stuff in perspective and try to stay positive, but I realize that that might not even be a thing when you see **** going down everywhere, all the time and you really care about it.

So not sure what to say to you really, but I wish you a lot of courage and strength man. Maybe try to visit your mom somewhere in the near future and take a breath from all the heavy, loaded stuff you're trying to do. I get that you're very idealistic and admire that a lot but it's not all on you to fix everything you see in your travels

take care

^means a lot guys.. and I'm not just saying that <3

It seems to me that what you are doing is connecting your poker results too much to your results in your life dreams, which is very very dangerous because we all know what an unreliable bitch poker can be. They are of course connected, and Poker might be the best and fastest way for you to make money right now and therefore the best way to achieve your goals, but it doesn't mean that it is the only way. There might be ways out there you haven't heard of yet, they might be just as fast, more reliable etc...

I can relate to your mindset of either shooting for the stars or shooting for your head, no alternatives. I have been to some dark places myself, putting myself under a lot of pressure by aiming for some really high goals and doubting myself all the time. I wish I could say that I got completely rid of it, but that wouldn't be true. It goes up and down, and maybe it's not even supposed to go away completely. Doubt is important to improve (and part of a brain with some sense for realism), you can be arrogant and self confident after you made it, and pressure is part of going for something big. If you want to be a great painter but only paint when you have the time, when your mind is at ease because all bills are paid for and the dishes are washed and you did your yoga class and you tell yourself you will be proud of whatever you paint today, then join the club of crappy weekend painters. If you want to be a Van Gogh (I know, almost too easy of an example now), you might have to delve down into those dark places once in a while and eat some paint while being in an asylum (but sure enough he got out and made many paintings that blow away peoples minds more than a hundred years later, and his name will likely be around as long as humanity itself).

Best of luck to you man, just got to keep going at it and not give up.

I moved back into the red-light district after I realized a couple of things.
The last days have been quite the hassle. "PJ" broke his arm climbing a mango tree and we had to go to the general hospital. Place resembles a WWII military hospital..
You definitely don't want to be poor AND sick in a third world country. Seriously. Just don't!
The kid spent 2 years on the streets and about 1 year in a governmental shelter of which he escaped. The doctors were obliged to either have a relative show up or call this institution. Otherwise he would get no treatment.
He was absolutely terrified by the prospect of having to go back. He didn't go into detail about what happened there but all of the other kids seem to share similar sentiments. If they all prefer the street over a guaranteed meal and a roof over their heads, something goes very wrong.
Neither the doctors or the social worker would understand that they are not doing him any favors by calling them up. He asked me about a dozen times to leave. I was unsure on what to do, but we left after almost 4 hours of waiting.
So we had to go to a private hospital without an appointment or anything but fortunately found an orthopedic who helped us out. Took the x-rays and of course given how lucky this kid is his arm was not strained but severly fractured, possibly dislocated and would need surgery if he doesnt want to be handicapped for the rest of his life.
Didn't expect to hear that at all by the way PJ was handling his injury but I guess he's just a tough motherf***er.
He transfered us back to the general hospital as that's the only way the costs of treatment would get covered by the government/charity.
Now we have to reach his parents and get one of them to show up, since that's the only possibility.. or reside to plan B, which was to get one of the older guys to pretend he is his uncle.^^
We found out her number and she finally, finally answers the phone. She said she is on her way.. We ended up waiting for her for 4 hours to show up but she didn't come..

So today we f****ing take the train and multiple tricycles to the outskirts of Manila and go to his home. Someone would have to take care of his 5 younger siblings while the mother is at the hospital with him so we had to wait for his father. I aksed him if that's alright for him and that he doesn't need to see his father if he doesn't want to. He said "it's okay".
As soon as this man crossed the door sill something immediately changed.. There was something really dark about his presence.. I've never experienced anything like that.
He didn't see his son for a year. Something far worse then a broken arm could've happened to him and God knows what he has been through, but there was not a single word of kindness. Nothing.
Instead he goes off on about how he deserved what he got because he was disobedient and he should not get any treatment so he could learn from his mistakes. He then takes him upstairs to "talk to his son" and he just shouts at him for 10 minutes.. meanwhile I watch two of his ~7-10 year old sisters beat up their dog over nothing.. because violence breeds violence.
PJ comes downstairs with tears in his eyes. I felt insanely angry but at the same time much more like crying then smashing this guy's face.
I felt like I should stand up for him and say something but all I could come up with was the std "Look, I'm not trying to tell you how to raise your kids..." yadda yadda, and followed it up with some very mediocre speech that he didn't even understand because he barely speaks English.

We took the train back to the city alongside of his mother who was pregnant with him at the age of 14.
Same procedure at the hospital, same long ass waiting times, two people almost about to die in font of my eyes etc. etc.
When we were let into the orthopedic station I left. Last thing I heard of them was that they waited for 8 hours but have to come again tomorrow.

ouch this is a really bad story

in many aspects
feels so odd to read about this terrible failing father who is of no use for his kids...
only making there lives worse
to the crazy situation in the non private hospitals in phils

hope this story will have a good and for PJ

if there is any good thing in this then hopefully that helping PJ in this case gives you some inner feeling of belonging, meaning, happiness
I have been very egocentric person first 30-35 years of my life.
And only later figured out that helping others can be a big win-win for both.

run godlike if you're playing scoop man not sure if it matters to you right now

Yeah, SCOOP coming around is quite unfortunate. Still planning to play a bunch but definitely not as high and not as many and not as long.

Already took monday off because of massive cruelty on sunday.
Right before the sunday grind I bubbled a ~540$ live tourney on my 2nd entry in Robert de Niro's casino (well it's not exactly his but he has some shares and it sounds cool) that managed to get about 500 entries and a lofty prizepool.
Had a lot of fun and a lot of chips throughout but meh.

Him and his mother had to wait in the ER for 35! hours (I was there for a fraction of that time and I saw things that will haunt me in my dreams forever), and then another 3 days in the orthopedic department for his operation..
He is still at the hospital but it went well according to the doctors. I guess time will tell. There was def a good chance they would just butcher it.
His mother stayed wih him almost throughout 8 or 9 days now and he's going back home when he gets released. Sounds good in theory and he would like to go back to school but having met his father I can't see that working out.

Updated Results/Graphs post:

At the end of last year I somehow I purged the wrong section of my database in PT4 and had to reimport the hand/tournament histories. I'd have to unblock Sharkscope to be sure but this seems to be at least 90% accurate. Unfortunately all the hands I tagged got lost as well and I told NeverscaredB that I'll confirm the 10h of coaching after what was going to be a very busy January.
I had 50+ really interesting spots tagged where I was legitimately lost/considered all 3 options etc. and was planning to get through all of them. Never ended up confirming as I felt to nitty spending the hours going through random deep runs etc.. Pretty frustrating as he got out of poker now and I'm busy amassing a sample size of spots again and look for alternatives.

Anyway, I'm going to update results/graphs in random timespans of about 3-6 months now instead of monthly graphs as they are pretty much meaningless and there's already enough pressure as is. Just trying to be as careless as possible about the swings/money (I know, I know.. mental fish obv).

Running quite bad on a small sample ever since I stopped posting graphs so expect the pg&c rungood very soon (down to 40%).
Also lol at my live poker results^^
Below all in EV by the lots and a terrible bb/100 in the 200/400 game that was pretty good but ran very rarely, but still..
I would classify that excursion as..

[x] fail


stars.com

stars.fr

live

It's really tough to craft all my thoughts together and put it into words. That's why words can't express how grateful I am for certain brilliant minds who are able to do just exactly that.
I'd wish someone would've pointed a gun at my head to force me to pick up and finish Kierkegaard's "The Sickness unto Death". I would've been able to adress my most existential fears much sooner.
Kierkegaard is just so incredibly hard to read.. (especially in German). He is very well known for his habitual use of irony.. Like, the introduction is basically just a massive joke where he repeatedly makes fun of his own thesis (and of German philosopher G. W. F. Hegel). Hard to find that funny when you're left scratching your head, re-reading it about 5 times, only to put it away because you still don't quite get it. People used to troll in very different ways in the 19th century..
You're right that doubt will always be a part of it. I've spent too much time longing for objective truth that can never be obtained and am just now coming to the realization that no matter what your circumstances are and how doubtful you may be, how much tension it causes.. at some point you have to let go, and take everything you know, all your experiences and beliefs and start doing what you believe is.. "right". Because "The only proof that you have a convincement, is that you live according to it".

Never getting to that point, unwilling to wager my life on something whose outcome is uncertain I remained nothing but a mere shadow of my own self.
If your actions are not lined up with who you are internally and thereby contradict yourself, you will experience some sort of cognitive dissonance. If you go even deeper you might discover you were unwilling to be yourself in the first place, sometimes at the same time while paradoxically desperately trying to be yourself.. Steadily I became more and more conscious of my condition, dating back about 9 months ago when I started traveling. But it was already there long before.
And it reached a stage where it's nothing less then unbearable.
It's kind of ironic because the only way I see out of this is to surrender myself.. Which was the plan all along.

It's interesting to note that this awareness came along during a time where circumstances have truly never been better..

Well put^^. It seems to me that the most important decisions in life have to be made while facing rough/overwhelming circumstances and while we aren't fully mature (maybe developed is the better term)