Very honest and well written, good luck in 2019.


Definitely stealing and reusing this, so so true.

Mate I can’t cant really relate to playing full time and relying on the funds to pay bills however I have logged a reasonable amount of hands to get an idea. One major issue I had and I wrote about it in my blog was tilt and anger. Poker made me angry when I lost etc

The answer which basically solved tilt and these mental game issues was journaling each day. Writing down emotions andd recognising why you feel a particular helps you contain and control. Well for me anyway

Glgl next year and hope to see you in Vegas again

the meditation should help a great deal with anger, also sounds like you have a great girl

not worried about your results, you are pretty good at poker, just stay disciplined, take shots only when you can afford to take shots, 2019 is gonna be great

Just randomly checked in on this thread for this first time in over a year and coincidentally you posted today - I've always liked reading it somewhat vicariously as someone who was prob in a similar career spot as you a few years ago but didn't commit to going pro, and always found your writing style candid and honest. I'm really sorry about your GF's condition bro, I don't really know anything about how surrogacy works but hope you are able to find a satisfying resolution.

That said, it kinda sounds like you are putting a ton of pressure on yourself with thinking about having stable finances for a family and whatnot, that should be the last thing on your mind during a session as it will affect decision making. You're still young and don't need to feel so much pressure, your partner will be patient (and maybe help out? not sure of situation) and the money will come in time if you keep on your current track. Majority of pros who have the financial stability you seek, took years to fully break out and attain that and I would guess you're easily ahead of the average pro at this stage of a career.

Anyways, sounds like you're getting into some better habits, best of luck in 2019. It's crazy how far you've come in a reasonably short time from battling me in 50/100nl 2-3 years ago to winning a 24k pot this year. Hope to battle some this sunday when I come home for Xmas.

As a fellow mid 20s pro playing stakes slightly lower than you, I can relate a lot to your story this year. So much of the struggle of playing this game for a living is figuring out how to deal with the non-theory part of the game. You're clearly very good at the game itself. It also seems like you are on a super solid path now towards mastering the other things such as handling variance, physical/mental health, and managing your time. Looking forward to more!

No one is perfect and we all struggle with things. Very brave to be open about the things you struggle with and doing your best to face them head on. If there's a setback at some point don't let it deter you from getting right back on the bike. Life naturally has the ups and downs of variance just like poker and we all get tested from time to time, some more than others. And I'll second what someone above said about your gf clearly being a great support and influence during your tough time. She sounds like a very supportive and kind person. The stuff about not trying to accomplish the house/baby/etc overnight was very well stated.

And in terms of the anxiety and avoiding to play I think that's a very normal feeling to have. I know that I struggle sometimes with the same thing and will avoid playing because I want to avoid the short term variance. Even if you are very confident you are doing the right things it's so easy to second guess yourself at times in a career where you can go to work for a month and make no money at the end of it. Keep up with your routine and the steps you are taking for your mental health and you'll see the results for sure.

Gl in 2019, looking forward to following your progress!

slowclap, we on the come up babyyy

Thank you for sharing your situation Ger.

Best of luck in all your endeavours.

Hey man, regarding part III, being able to openly discuss those situations is a great start as it is super hard thing to do. Awesome that your partner can be such a good support; I most admit that mine said something very similar to me a few months back, because I too, wanted everyhing NOW, and was ashamed of bad decisions I had taken a lot of years back.
Good luck at the tables next year and focus on sticking to your plan!

Respect the honesty and transparency in the posts. Most people don’t understand what some pros go through and the difficulties you can face when going through the worst moments. Gl op wish you the best


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Except he's not a seasoned pro at all, he only started playing poker 4 years ago and been a pro for not even 3 full years.

Most importantly, he's only been playing on his own dime for like 10 months! That's a big deal and now with a wife and desire for future house and family it's a whole different level mentally. That's when this professional side of being a poker pro kicks into gear.

The most important thing you can do at this crucial point in your career is truly realize that all the stuff off the felt is by far the most important key to your potential long term success. It sounds like you kinda hit rock bottom and have made some changes, which is great. You realized there's been a lot of things going wrong that doesn't pertain to your actual poker strategy that have really negatively affected you emotionally and financially. And you have a very supporting partner which is a huge plus. But it doesn't sound like enough to me. And when I read in another thread your'e going to be doing a volume prop bet in January I felt compelled to try to help a little, since I think that's a terrible idea.

So here's my quick advice as an 11 year seasoned pro with a family and house etc.

You need to examine why you have a compulsion to shot take, play against top players, and haven't had the patience to grind out a nice hourly at stakes you are comfortably rolled for when you clearly are financially stressed and trying to provide.

It's clear from the outside you are compensating for something (we all are to different degrees and at different points in our lives). You are trying to prove your worth through a game. Here's what you wrote a few months ago:

A successful month was definitely needed with the roll hurting, so gives me plenty of breathing room and the 2k shot is not too far away

A few random thoughts

1.) I can make a very comfortable living just playing 200/500 NL for the rest of my career. I would make plenty and really not have to go through much swings.

2.) ^That will never happen with me. The game is just way more fun/mentally stimulating for me against the top guys. 5k reg or bust for me.

3.) Despite the breather I have with the BR now, finance are looming. I have to pay my own health insurance for the end of the year, have future wedding/ house to think about it and that is in the not too distant future


So you have 2 paths you can go down from here. You can continue on the path you've been on (yes, you are still on that path even with recent changes) or you can be humble and make a huge perspective shift and go down a different path. Up to you, but it does seem like you are at a real crossroads right now.

Here's what I'd do if I were you:
1.) I'd hire someone like Elliot Roe immediately, I think that is probably the most important thing you should do.

2.) Focus on living a very balanced life- volume prop bet is a terrible idea imo with where you are mentally right now. Realize having that life balance right is not only the best thing for you mentally, but likely the way to have the best results financially for at least the near term.

3.) Stick to 500nl for a while. Then when your'e finances are in good shape and you're over rolled for 1knl move up. If your're a big winner at these stakes, then what's the rush to high stakes, being rolled for it if you choose to play in the future shouldn't be an issue.

Also, just remember its all about the long run in poker and in life. It's something that's really hard to internalize when in your 20's or not a long term pro.

Oh, and does your wife work? That's a huge help at anytime in a pro's career but especially at your stage in life, it's pretty mandatory imo.

/just my 2c and humble opinion. Best of luck!

So far so good, but consistency gonna be key. Big years for both of us though, I feel it.


Thanks for considering me a seasoned pro but I think that's probably false . It's interesting that I've been in way worse times financial times (that time I had to get a dog walking job, just to make sure I could pay the bills!) but my mental game was better at that point in time.

Yes, I really don't know where I would be without her, she keeps me on my toes and challenges me to better which is really great for me.

Regarding the variance, it was much different this year. From a buyin perspective, I ran fairly neutral. But anything 1k or higher was just horrible. I only played about 60k ish hands and was about 20 buyins below EV (definitely not that crazy, but considering my main volume was mixed between 200/500 NL it was brutal)

Steal away, and thanks for all your help!

Hey man, I completely agree re: the journal stuff, which is why I wanted to start again with this blog. For me, it essentially serves the journal purpose.

Yeah, I notice a tangible difference on days I meditate do days I haven't, so far have been making it a habit.

Thanks for the support, I should say that even through 2018, my confidence in my game was never really questioned by myself. I was aware when I was playing poorly, but the thought "maybe I can't win" never even approached my mind.

Hey man, yeah I remember the days of battling! Where are you located now? For sure, the pros are high and the cons are low when it comes to the game.

Our situation is kind of unique as far as everything goes. I really want a house, just since we sunk about 62k of rent for 2 years for where we live.
I don't really consider a house an asset, but at least whatever down payment comes it won't go into the black hole that is rent. Housing might have it's own post one day tbh.

As far as the surrogacy, there are some time constraints here which is why we're moving with this quickly.

But yeah, could always be worse and grateful that I have an opportunity to get everything I want with poker.

Yeah, I like to think every pro goes through some sort of trial by far in their career. Yes, I think the mental aspect will be far more important that whatever poker concept I try to maser etc.

Appreciate the support, Tyler. Having the support system I have definitely makes it easier, and I think it's much less likely I get stuck in a rut with them.

Hope all is well with you, buddy!


LFGGG

Appreciate it!

Hey thanks bro. I would say a strength of mine is being very open/able to take criticism. I'm not a yes man, per say but I definitely value others opinion.

For sure, it was important of me to recognize the feelings I had of guilt and shame, realize what I need to do to make sure this doesn't happen. Don't need those feelings turning into self loathing and setting me back.

Thanks for the kind words, full tranparency here!

This was quite well written, thanks for taking the time to write this all out. I agree with a bunch you said, with a few disagreements so let me just go point by point.

- 100% agree not a seasoned pro, Idk what 4 years makes me in the poker world...young vet?

-I think you may have gotten confused with other posts. I've been on my own dime my entire career, although I've had staking arrangements throughout my career.

1.) Playing 50NL on my own, had a stake to play 100/200 in 2016.
2.) Early 2018 had 50/50 split for 5k
3.) WSOP where I still had part of my own action

- 100% agree that long term success is things done off the felt.

- I think that post you quoted of me kinda shows my naive side as I just felt like I was going to crush, and my reckless side cost me.

Also agree that I look to shot take, although I really am confident I'm winning in those games, I'm going to take a shot when I'm much more over-rolled. In the mean time, while I have no intention of playing 2k/5k atm I realize I have some impulsive tendencies, so I blocked those stakes on my sites (takes one day to unblock). I do want to say, I don't think taking shots is bad at all, but need to be mentally prepared before I try again.

-As far as playing against top players, I have done pretty much no battling since I came back from Vegas. It's fun but needs to make the money.

-Outside of my 5k meltdown, I would say work ethic was more of an issue than patience.

- I looked at getting a mental coach, I've had one before and they're definitely great. I've heard nothing but amazing things about him, but at the moment I don't think spending the amount of cash needed $$$ would be optimal. I could be wrong here though, so we'll see.

- I think balance is definitely important as stated. Not planning to play 7 days a week, but hoping to put in 50-55 hours a week of poker going forward (including coaching +study)

-As far as the volume bet, to add a little bit of perspective, it's a 2 day bet. I actually approached him, since I'm not the best grinder and I thought banging out 2 strong days of volume would be really great for my mental game, seeing I started off the year well etc. That was the thought process behind said bet.

-I think in general I should be playing the games that give me the highest hourly, as long as losing won't affect me mentally or effect the games I can play with my roll

-100% on the long run, it's easy to lose sight of that a lot.

-Not my wife yet, unfortunately. Gonna ask for the blessing next month, and then be engaged soon after!

-She does work! We just live in an extremely expensive area. (Moving is not an option)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just wanted to shoutout pretty much everybody that's supported me, whether I've met you in real life or not. The support has me even more motivated to keep the train rolling.

I also had a few regs I battle with everyday reach out to me not only to wish their GL's but give me advice as well, and can't even put into words how great that felt. Thanks guys!

Christmas time is hectic with a bunch of traveling and plans going on, but I've been playing when I can, slowly increasing the volume.

Turn 26 next week

Bought my own insurance, and with my health issues, got kinda screwed with that premium

That's all for now, GL on the felt everybody

Got a very good head on your shoulders for 26. Well for any age actually lol.

Also, I thought I was the only one who had a girl that could stay by me even with fist holes in the wall. Neat.

Happy birthday.

Thanks, I try to not make the same mistake twice. And hey...great minds think a like right?

Funny enough, (and by funny I mean very awkward) her mother visited the next day and asked what the hole was, I told her (we have a very good relationship) and to lighten the mood I joked "I just played hi-5 with the door"

My girlfriend, still pisssssseddd after last night, hears my remark, runs out of the bathroom barely in a towel to give me some more of the business. So she definitely keeps me on the toes.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Holidays have been crazy, been traveling to family event after family event, so it's been tough to put in real volume with poker but have been putting time in as well.

I put in a small session tonight, was very tired, so decided to push through and see how I felt. Played ok, made a few disciplined folds and made some small profit. I did get a little bit anxiety (was playing just 200/500) so I just followed my breathing before quitting a bit earlier.

Very much looking forward to the dead space in my calendar that is January, lot of time then to focus on poker.

Have a lot of events to finish out the holiday, so hope everyone has a great holiday weekend. Will come back before the end of the year to talk about me and Gazzy's bet and some 2019 goals etc.

I hope everyone had a good Christmas/holiday. I was very busy and am finally home and getting settled down.

In the meantime, I managed to iron out a prop bet with Gazzy B.


2 Day Volume Bet

1.) Over a span of 48 hours (Jan 2nd 12AM-Jan 3rd 11:59 PM) whoever has the most hands recorded wins the bet.

2.) The bet will start for Gazzy at 12 AM his time, and start for me at 12AM my time.

3.) If you don't finish with a profit through the challenge, you will receive a -4k hand deduction.

4.) Only NLH hands 100NL or above will count.

5.) At the end of the two days, we send graph and stake breakdown of our hands to mutual friend who will declare a winner.

The winner will receive...

1.) $250
2.) Change the thread title of the other's for a week (this is why I really want to win)



To be completely honest, I am a massive dog to win given that Gaz can play zoom and I play strictly reg tables. But I'm hoping he looks ahead to the bet with Bena and/or is just lazy.

While the bet is -EV for me, I think a hard two days of grinding + competition of the grind will make up for it.

In the meantime, I'm gonna try to pull off the upset and I'm not the most creative person with names so if anyone has suggestions for Gaz's future thread title list them below and I will strongly consider using it

bro hes gonna like 8 table zoom, ur ****ed

Nice post and a good reflection in regards to where you are at in your poker career and what you need to do to succeed.

I would make sure that you really put in at least 8 hours working a day. It sounds like you had laziness and discipline issues overall during that bad stretch. 8 hours doesn't necessarily need to be dedicated to strictly poker, but make sure you're putting in time in other stuff.

In all honesty, from your post, it kind of sounds like you are a bit bored with poker. An important thing to do as a poker professional (at all times) is to be honest with yourself and ask yourself where you are in your poker career. Are you still enthused and excited to play every day? Is it something that you really love? Or has it become a means to an end and something you are doing purely for financial reasons? If it's the latter, make sure you are figuring out some transition ideas. And if you do still love the game, put in the time! A lot of people have a bleak outlook on the state of poker and being a professional in Western countries. You need to capitalize on this opportunity as much as you can.

I hope you can find a good routine that works for you in 2019. Also, your prop bet against Gazzy is a tough one for sure. I've witnessed firsthand what Gary can do grinding wise and, given the fact that you have no zoom poker accessible, you're a big dog IMO. 4k hands as a penalty for losing is nothing IMO.

I really don't mind if I lose tbh. I know that sounds silly but anything I think that will help my mental game I'm going to try. Lack of volume is definitely one of my biggest issues, creating an environment where I'm competing against a friend I think is a good spark for a big year.

Hey thanks for the insightful post, feels like a lifetime ago we were getting some tapas in Vegas, hope you've been good.

I definitely had lazy/discipline issues this year so you hit the nail on the head. This hasn't always been the case, but you can say my work ethic with the game runs fairly hot and cold.

As for poker, I didn't really address my love for the game so I can see where you got that interpretation. But yeah, I still love this silly little card game and it really doesn't feel like a chore to play the game.

At the same time, I should be grinding more where some hours get a bit uncomfortable and it feels like "work". This plus there's a lot more I want to accomplish with the game than anything, so it's not financially driven at all.

I have a lot of confidence in myself and if I do get my **** together I have zero doubt I'll be fine, even with my issues this year I increased my WR/hourly etc.

You make a good point of not being stuck in the mud when I transition from the game as a professional. I don't have a plan yet but I've reached out to other pro's who moved on etc. so when that day comes I'm sure I'll have a definitive plan moving forward.

Should do more than $250! That's like 250bbs at the lowest stake! But yeah you're ****ed if not playing zoom :') better get the cobwebs off of table ninja innit !

Gllggl

Just read through your longer life updates, wow. Really painful to read, but it feels to me like the process you went/continue to go through is a truly cathartic and crucial one. Your girlfriend sounds like the important grounding you need too - no wonder you look up to her so much, she sounds like a winner

Gl boss, will be following closely as always <3

Anyway we can get in on this prop bet. I'm happy to take Gaz's side if there are any takers?

Well to be fair any larger amount and I risk bankrupting Gaz

Cathartic is probably the best way to put it, thanks she's great. Glad you ended 2018 with much deserved HEATTT


You are probably going to have to give someone odds friend

2018 Goals


1.) Be the best 6 max player in my pool. It's a subjective goal, but it's something I feel I can be honest with myself about. I still have a ways to go.

2.) Earn $250,000

3.) Play 600,000 hands of Online Poker

4.)Play 400 hours of Live Poker

5.) Learn PLO

I have a ton of other goals but decided to keep those separate from this blog.

I'm entering Year 3 of Poker if I could classify each year

1.) Survival
2.) Ascencion
3.) Domination

I'm looking to manage my time much more effectively, continue to work hard on my game and hopefully crush for 2018.

Hope everyone has a great New Years and Drive safe!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2018 Quick Review

It's funny looking at the above post realizing how much can happen in a year. I failed every goal set by myself fairly miserably. Let's take a good look at the list.


1.) "Be the best 6 max player in my pool"

Can't even Skip Bayless this and make an argument. I'm not and the effort needed to even give myself a chance for this goal was not there.

Funny enough, this is not even remotely a goal for me in 2019. I just need to be the best I can (cliche); If I do that, the rest will fall in place. If there are regs that are better than me after I do my best, I will tip my cap.


2.) "Make $250k"

Not even remotely close, I didn't crack 6 figures which was also pretty disappointing to me. 2018 is technically my biggest year as far as profit but that's only because I didn't split 50% of my profits. My poker earnings in 2017 were greater.

3.) " Play 600k hands of Online poker"

Fell over 100k hands short. Inexcuseable

4.) Play 400 hours of Live Poker

Was a little below 200 hours on this... Definitely not looking to make live hours a priority for the future.

5.) Learn PLO

Learned it...fairly poorly. One of the biggest reasons for a bad year!


I obviously covered in my previous posts why 2018 didn't work out but wanted to recap some goals.

So Year 4 will be different:

1.) Survival
2.) Ascension
3.) Regression
4.) Domination


2019 Outlook

I have gotten a lot of great advice from friends/ players I respect since my revival about 2 weeks ago in the thread and I plan on implementing them for the upcoming year.

As I said, I have a lot of exciting things coming in the future...house, wedding, kids. But as we know, especially in my situation, these things cost a heavy price. Looking at it from a dollar perspective can be overwhelming. If I look at these costs, totaling hundeds of thousands of dollars, in a broad view and try to get there all at once, I will fail and crumble under pressure

It's all about taking it one day at a time.

Had a friend tell me this:

"I think a great approach is just aiming to "win" each day. A typical day is won doing x minutes of meditation, eating reasonably well, getting a workout in, y hours of studying specific areas thought out in advance, z hours of playing. Not necessarily easy to do but not overwhelmingly daunting.

If all those things are done obviously none of them will be done close to perfectly, but they were accomplished so hey thats a perfect day, everything set out to do was done. Start stringing these winning days together and success is inevitable."

I need to start stringing these days together and stack 'wins'. Once I get this into a habit, I think the positive momentum will get me rolling.

Reasons for Optimism

A lot of my issues this were mental...not skill related. In fact, since Vegas I've taken my game to another level.

I feel like if I get the mental game right, I'll be ready to go.


2019 Plan and Goals

I will be doing weekly updates on this blog throughout the year, it keeps me honest with myself and I can't hide poor volume or effort when I show my transparency here. To be honest, I don't think much positive things come from sharing graphs, so I will most likely relent showing it unless it's to show off volume purposes (which is most important to me), but I still will show hands, and I'll make sure they're more interesting than in the past.

I also am planning on doing 5 days on/2 off. I actually played 6 days often in 2018, but it was a lot of days of grinding 1-2 hours. I want to go balls to the wall on the playing days, and very poker free on my days off.

I have one planned vacation this year (paid for by future in-laws) in February, and I plan on going to Vegas although I'm not sure the length, it will depend how the year goes.

I plan on nixing pretty much all live tournaments...no Main Event this year or any WPT's. I also don't plan on stopping at Borgata too much for any live trips. My hourly online is just way higher.

I plan on grinding super hard til February 16th, followed by another stretch of hard grinding before taking a nice break March 21st-24th to AC to enjoy March Madness with some of my closest friends.

In the meantime, I'll be taking on a bigger role with BTS and I'm excited to get the students to crushing even harder this year, while getting a lot better myself.

As far as shot taking, I've gotten mixed advice so not sure how I will go forward, but I don't plan on even thinking about taking my 2k restriction off until the roll hits 100k again. I think it really depends on how I feel mentally more than anything.



2019 Goals

1.) Spend 50 hours Meditating

2.) Spend 60 hours of Yoga

3.) Dedicate 2200 hours to poker (Study+Play+Coaching)

Have already been tracking this; but very simple list...keeping my body and mind sharp is one of the biggest priorities to me.

My girlfriend is sick and is off work so I'm spending one last day with her, before I take another step tomorrow to changing my life for the better.


Hope everyone has had a kickass year, and it only gets better next year!

I think this is absolute golden advice your friend gave you!
Excellent introspective yearly review and future year goals post bbissick.
Certainly enjoyed it.

Here is to 2k19 being our best year yet!

Your head seems to be in a great place right now man, really hope you beast in 2019 and excited to learn more with you too!
wish you all the best