Just to preface this to myself, I'm not sure where to post any problems I feel either.

Intro

Hello everyone. My name is Eric, I am from a small town in Northern Canada. I am 20 years old, started playing poker sometime around December last year. I have put all the time and theory into reading and understanding poker, I just need to build up my bankroll to support higher limits.

I am also suffering from clinical depression which has led to 7 suicide attempts in the past, the last one with my heart actually failing for a brief second. I am working on controlling this problem at the same time as improving my poker skills, and change my life around.

I currently play 5NL, w/ small WR. I feel I just can not put in enough time to play to get up there, yet when I look back at my day, I sat around on the lap top anyways having fun.

Goals

This month of August is already part way done, yet I still feel I should have plans made. I am hoping to, by than, Playing 5nl, and 5.25HUSNG, to have my roll enough to play 10NL (Preferably BR-250 before taking my shot), as well as putting in solid grinding time at each level every day. I also want to hit silverstar in August, I need 599.71 more to go.

I have also been convinced to start working out more often, which is highly beneficial (between doing something and being with people). I came up with the program with a help from a trainer that I will post here on my first day of training, and also let people know how that aspect is coming along. Newb gains should increase my gains by large % in the first 2 months or so.

Preferably by the end of this year, I would like to, as well as hitting my physical goals, hit my poker goals. I have an above average intelligence, the emotional *detachment* to the money/results, and a bordering OCD-like willingness to learn this game and every aspect. I feel that by the end of this year, I will be able to be beating 25nl for 5bb/100 (not 5BB/100), to produce enough spare money to store away when the problems inevitably come.

Why the blog?

I feel many of the younger players in this game have probably felt the same way. I would like to make some friends that I can discuss poker problems with, as well as a place to vent. I also feel committed to making this thread, and will be giving constant updates to it. Any problems I run into will be posted here more than likely, and give me help.

Left, as of August 8th
BR: $126.25
VPP: 599.71

Honestly, if you are diagnosed with clinical depression, poker is probably not the best thing you could start getting yourself into. The mental side of it can be terrible, and losing large chunks of money in a short period of time happens fairly often, which in turn could trigger your depression.

Of course, this is your decision, so whatever you decide to do, best of luck.

Dude,

please don't do this.

spend some time dealing with your life issues & whilst doing that read & study the game. The forums/Reading books/watching Videos...

once you are happier in yourself then start playing. Get yourself sorted 1st then worry about poker.

The money and feelings from I get from poker, I believe are almost, numbed? I can go 4 hour sessions of the worst suck outs, and it doesn't feel anything. The problem in itself is being solved, through medication, counseling, and friendship. Poker is being used as a hobby, I am highly intrigued by the numbers aspect, working my mind, and using it as a "mental exercise". I will never become professional, but with goals set to help train my mind, I feel I will gain from the aspect of working on it, as well as working out following a program.


Anyways, right after this, I went and 4table'd a little bit before sleeping. Now, My HUD trial expired, I have to get one, so no graphs or stats updates really. Sorry!

BR- 129.90 (+05.15)
VPP- 177.79 (+20.5)

505 hands $0.02/$0.05 NLH (6-max) $5.83 Aug 5th - 4:00am CDT Aug 5th - 5:14am CDT

Good luck Skeaver! It looks like you are practicing good bankroll management with a small amount of money. A great way to start, have fun!

Thanks Snow.

Update, not a good one poker wise.

149 $0.02/$0.05 NLH (6-max) $-9.37 Aug 5th - 1:18pm CDT Aug 5th - 1:45pm CDT

Basically was getting sucked out on left and right, plus first session since my HUD trial expired. I threw in an hour at 2NL to see if a HUD was needed to 12-table there, turns out it isn't, so I might grind the 45$ out there to purchase the micro version of PT3.

I threw in a session today, but PTR hasn't updated my page yet, so I'll update it tomorrow with it. It was around +6$ for 1- 1/2 hours

BR - 126.60
VPP - 198.48

Gotta put more hours in or I won't hit silverstar before the end of the month.

For your stakes, the vip program is not a good deal - FTP w rakeback will get you to your goals faster. The VIP program on stars requires very large volume (favors massive multi tabling) at higher stakes to be comperable to FT's rakeback.

GL GL

Sorry if it's insensitive, but you can't really be trying to off yourself if you can't even get it right 1 out of 7 times, can you?

Not really insensitive, or may be, but who cares. Actually, 4 out of the 7 times were legit attempts, the other 3 were more or less a cry for attention. The other times people noticed my body twitching, asked if I was ok, and I was unable to answer, so they took me to the hospital.

I am set on turning my life around, and I feel the intellectual challenge and stimulation I receive from playing this game will further enhance the recovery/whatever it is.

Holsinger, thanks for the GL. I wish you the same.

If anyone wants to talk about HH's, etc, I am open for it, and would love to have a chance to have my line of thinking corrected by those superior to me in this game.

Lowsy, I thought about getting my funds over there, but I have no way to transfer them, and without being known on this board, I do not expect anyone to accept a transfer.

End of today's results:

BR: 126.19
VPP: 227.42

Gl man but please get a good healthy view on downswings and tilting. especially if you go play higher for bigger amounts of cash.

Well, I was playing blackjack as an advantage player (using edges above simple counting), and the swings there were much more drastic than poker. I understand downswings and variance are part of the game, suck outs happen, and here is nothing to do about it. Just keep playing those people that suck out on you, and get your money in good.

Thanks for the concern BTW.

Well ran bad at some DoN's, and tilted off around 20$ in one day. Moved down to 2NL to regrow BR and also adjust to multitabling w/o a HUD, and so far so good, 2 sessions in the last 2 days;

3190 $0.01/$0.02 NLH (6-max) $8.58 Aug 18th - 3:53pm CDT Aug 18th - 8:07pm CDT
Didn't play straight through this session, took about a 30 minute break to go eat supper, but felt I played well, didn't run awesome or anything like the session below!

1222 $0.01/$0.02 NLH (6-max) $14.60 Aug 17th - 6:57pm CDT Aug 17th - 9:13pm CDT

Plus cleared 10$ of the bonus deposit. Man that takes forever at 2NL as a bronze!!

Just figured I'd drop an update, as I haven't in a while.

Gl op, in both poker and your personal issues.