There comes a time, I suppose, in most lives where a general reexamination becomes necessary. The last 45 days or so have provided that time for me. On Nov. 20 2017 I was in the ICU with a breathing tube in my throat and the doctors telling my family that if I had not gotten to the ER when I did, I may not have pulled through. I don't say that for sympathy, only to set the scene. As I have struggled the last few months to get healthy, I have realized that I have to have some things in my life that are mine. I started thinking "take a couple of shots at the Spring Classic" (a "big" tournament in a nearby town). But as my head has come back to poker, I've started to study more, play a bit against snowie, and generally gotten back into this headspace I've decided to do something different.

When I get my tax refund I am starting a small bankroll for online play. I know there are a lot of arguments about when a BR is necessary, or when that word is best used, whatever. In the next few weeks I'll have some money set aside for poker, and I'm going to start grinding 50NL and see where I can take it. I have a job (I guess it's bordering a career at this point) that I find quite fulfilling, I'm returning to school in a week, and I have a family, so I won't have the intense schedule that a lot of people with these threads have. Furthermore, my goal is not, at this point, to turn pro. I just want to play as well as I can and run up my modest starting roll to whatever is possible, without sacrificing the rest of my world.

My goals are:
-4 hours of poker week assuming 3-4 tables at a time, I should be able to translate that into...
-1400 hands per week
-2 hours of solid poker study per week
-1 MTT per week

I have no graphs or charts right now. I'm basically starting everything fresh. I'll post here as I go, and hopefully have some good news to start sharing soon.

Thanks for your interest
-Nate

gl man.
what happened for go hospital?
why you need goals if you dont need be profesional? you can play this hands in one morning, why you think is a good idea put this goals? if is for money are a very bad goals, and if is for enjoy why you need goals?
only not understand, but GL mate
pd: 1 MTT? how 1 mtt? dont think is lost the time playing 1 mtt?

I was in the hospital because I attempted to end my own life. So, for me a lot of this is about putting balance back in my life. Not that poker is, in itself, important. But because I had gotten so far out of balance that I had nothing that I was doing to make myself a better "me."

The goals are for me to have something to work towards. I understand that four hours is doable in one morning. But, again, with a full time job, school, a wife, and four kids, I'm not looking to grind 8 hours a day. The goals are so I have a way to check myself: am I working on the things I need/want to work on, am I being serious about them, etc. 1 MTT is just for me to do for fun. I want to focus on cash, but keep my tournament game up a bit.

the idea that we only need goals for things that are our profession is a bit odd to me. I appreciate the response and the questions, though. I hope my answers make sense.

OMG, i dont question more, i dont imagine nothing nothing that can take you to that whit four kids, only say GL to you and to your family.
But no, I dont find sense in play poker if you dont need money, I think play games like this are bad for humans, boby fisher say this. I think is lost a power of brain in a simple game. Is no my intention discourage you, is only my point, im a kid.
GL

If I wasn't willing to discuss it, I wouldn't have posted it. So don't worry about it. I appreciate the good wishes.

Nice to see you start a PGC and write about your experiences. GL!

Thanks! I'm a few weeks away from funding anything, so right now is a lot of study (and a few freerolls, just for fun). I just wanted to get this started otherwise I never would.

I suppose between now and having money, I will post here in a manner similar to a blog: talking about things that are important to me in some sense or another.

One of the biggest hurdles I'm facing (both in life and in poker) is that my ADHD is currently untreated because the amphetamines that are typical in treatment really ****ed with my depression. I thought, for a long time, "my depression is gone, maybe I just had ADHD and was upset that I couldn't think." That was not the case.

My work is suffering because I'm not on ADHD medicines anymore. My thoughts are significantly more clear, although they are slower. This is fine for day to day life, but not good for my line of work (I cook at a fine dining restaurant) or for poker.

I am working my way through "Applications of No Limit Hold 'Em" by Janda and I find myself terrified. "What if it takes me a year to work through this?" "What if it's beyond an unmedicated me?" I'm still going to slog through it, but there is doubt there.

For the first time in weeks there is doubt about all of this. "What if I can't play at a high level?" "what if you were only ever decent with the adderall?"

I don't know the answers, but I'm going to find out. And, hopefully, the answers don't totally destroy me.

I hope you are all doing well, both on and off the tables. Thanks for your interest in my little journey.

For the first time in weeks there is doubt about all of this. "What if I can't play at a high level?" "what if you were only ever decent with the adderall?"


Hey bro, I'm not sure what your extent of adderall use is but I was on it for a decade and it was like steroids for poker until it wasn't. I just needed more and more to get the same affect. I abused addies for the last 5 years of my using and it caused my play to suffer big time. It made me a compulsive gambler and I could never quit...I'd play for 30+ hours until I was delirious.

Depending on how long you used adderall and what dosage, its going to take your brain some time to heal but I'm telling you it does heal. You have to be patient though. If you struggle focusing at the tables shortly after quitting addies don't get discouraged.

I quit for good 20 months ago and I can tell you that in the past couple months I've seen HUGE improvements mentally.

Lastly, if this is going to be tough for you to kick I recommend the forums on the site quittingadderall.com its a unique community of people who can relate to what your going through.

I had the same fears as you dude, I wondered if I'd ever be able to play solid poker without adderall and there is nothing more satisfying than booking some solid sessions completely sober

Tonight was my first night playing anything against humans and not just against snowie. I played a few SNGs but the real fun/learning happened playing one table of NL25. After studying a lot and playing against snowie, I felt reallly good going in. I noticed two things tonight that I wouldn't have previously; really great bluffing spots and when my focus/thought processes had broken down to the point that I wasn't making good choices. Before, I would bluff pretty recklessly. But tonight I was really looking at what each street would have done for his/her range and how it affected mine, and applied pressure where I thought it was a good spot. Then, after a big hand that went my way, I sat and thought "i'm not realy sure any of that was right." And I left. Not a big deal for most, but I used to be really spewy. Playing recklessly and not paying attention to myself. Not huge stakes, no huge haul, but a solid success for my first session back. I feel good.

Hey man, GL with your poker journey!

Sounds like your making good mental decisions, especially re; tilt. Keep it up!

So, I've played about 300 hands over the last few days. I'm winning about 100BB (obviously a super small sample and not indicitive of anything.)

My frustration is that when I play against snowie, my play is rated relatively highly. When I import my hands from my real sessions into snowie I'm making errors all over the place. I know it just means I need more study. But it's got me down.

Gl, Nate.