Everything you're about to read is true.

I love this game but man can it make me feel like a pathetic loser.

I’m 47 years old, I’ve been playing recreationally for many years, and I’m still playing micro stakes. I just can’t figure out how people make money at this. I’ve been playing turbo MTTs online and the variance is just soul-destroying. I turned a $200 bankroll into about $1200 and thought I was finally off to the races. Then I went on a brutal run to end all brutal runs and watched my roll drop all the way down to about $150. I was playing $11’s and $22’s at one point and now find myself back in the $3’s and $5’s.

I also used to suck really bad. How bad you ask? Let me tell you a story.

The year was 2008 – or somewhere around there, I can’t really remember exactly. I have a terrible memory. Now what were we talking about? Oh yeah, so it was 2008-ish and I was in Vegas for my brother-in-law’s bachelor party. I was about 35 at the time and had become interested in poker in the few years prior, but had only made a small deposit online. I had been reading a lot about poker strategy because I really enjoy reading and was fascinated by the strategic element of the game, but this was going to be my first opportunity to really test my skills in a live setting at stakes higher than 5 cents. I was more excited than a 13 year-old boy discovering boobies for the first time.

So I wandered into Bally’s for reasons and sat down at a 1/2 table, ready to kick some ass and take names. I looked around at my opponents – a middle aged fat guy, a middle aged Asian guy, and that’s all I can remember. I know there were a few others at the table but I remember these two because they contributed to my humiliation. I started to feel intimidated because, well, I’m a bit of a pussy, but I kept telling myself, “Just remember what you read in those books, good hand selection will win you the moneys.”

So my plan was to play tight and get full value for my big hands. I laid low for the first few orbits while I observed with my keen eyes – likely squinted to a certain degree because that’s what you do when you’re focused and observing – and then it happened: I looked down at AA. “Here we go,” I thought to myself. “Time to make some chips.” I raise and only Asian guy calls. Flop comes all low-middle cards. I put out a continuation bet because that’s what the books said I should do, and Asian guy responds with a raise. Wait a minute, is it racist to keep referring to him as “Asian guy”? It isn’t relevant to the story at all except it helps distinguish him from fat white guy. I’ll just call him “guy” so I don’t get accused of anything. I wouldn’t want to make any assumptions about his gender but this was back in 2008-ish so that wasn’t really an issue back then. So where were we?

Right, guy puts in a raise over my continuation bet. “Crap,” I think to myself. “If he’s raising me on this flop, that must mean he has a set or something. I finally got Aces and now I have to fold, this is so unfair.” And I folded. Face up, just to show how disciplined I was and how unfair my life was. Guy’s eyes nearly popped out of guy’s head. But I put it behind me and waited for the next opportunity.

A little while later I get AK and open with a raise. Fat guy – I know it’s not really nice to refer to him as fat guy, but that’s all I really remember about him and if I just refer to him as “guy” then you might get confused between fat guy and Asian guy. Or between the two guys. Maybe I’ll call this guy FG. So FG calls and we go to a flop, which misses my AK. I put in a continuation bet because books and FG raises me. I audibly sigh, toss my hand into the muck, and decide to call it quits. As I walk away from the table with my tail between my legs and my balls sliced clean off, I hear FG say, “Well, he just learned a valuable lesson.” Thanks FG.

Over the ensuing years I dabbled in poker without any real success. I managed to build a decent roll playing 45-man turbos but then watched most of it disappear. I played in a local home game tournament league and failed miserably for several years before finally seeing some results. The failure over those years gave me the incentive to work on my game, and work on my game I did. Worked on my mental game too since I clearly needed help with my confidence and aggression at the tables. All the work I’ve put in has been incredibly productive in the sense that I feel much better about my game now. Of course I still have leaks but I definitely don’t suck anymore. The problem is the results haven’t followed. Every now and then I have a deep run to keep me going but it’s just a cruel joke. I can’t seem to build any momentum at all.

At the moment I’m experiencing a bit of a mid-life poker crisis, for a couple of reasons. One is that I’m now 47 and I’ve been playing poker for years without any success. I’m still playing the same stakes I was playing 10 years ago. But more than that, I feel like I’ve wasted my best years. Poker really is a young person’s game – the hours, the ability to sit for very long periods of time without suffering lower back pain or groaning when I stand up, the mental acuity required. I’m starting to have this panicked feeling that I don’t have many good years left before I start to notice that I just can’t keep up mentally. I’m not that smart to begin with.

The other reason is April 4, which is very fast approaching. Why April 4? Because I live in Ontario, Canada, where the government has decided to regulate all forms of online gambling…including poker. And we’re going to be ring-fenced. Ontario has a reasonably large population – about 14.5 million – but the player pool is obviously going to shrink drastically. Enough that it will kill MTTs for sure. This is incredibly depressing as poker has become not only my main hobby but a kind of life challenge. I’m driven by failure and the desire to learn. I don’t want to admit defeat and quit poker while still being a loser. And I definitely don’t want to be forced to quit before giving myself every chance to succeed. I don’t want to be a grumpy old man sitting by the window wondering what could have been.

So for a variety of reasons I’ve decided to take up a new challenge: cash games. I’ve played cash on and off over the years but I’ve never enjoyed it. I just don’t find it fun at all. What drew me to MTTs is the competitive, last-person-standing nature of the poker tournament – and of course the dream of the big score. Playing cash just feels like work; I mean they call it grinding for a reason. But the more I’ve thought about it over the past week or so, the more excited I started feeling about the challenge.

So now it’s time, for the sake of my mental health and to prepare for the post-April 4 poker world. I’m going to start at 5NL and see if I can put in a couple of hours in the evenings. I’ll still play whatever tournaments might exist after April 4 but I’m going to shift my focus to my cash game. My ultimate goal is pretty simple: I don’t want to be a loser anymore.

Hey! I really like your writing style, good luck at the tables and in life!

Thanks man. Decided to do this one in a narrative style to make it a bit more entertaining.

What an amazing start to a thread! GL and I'll be following

Thanks and welcome to the thread!

You are not a losers sir
you managed to live and survive in this crazy world for almost half a century.

gl on renewed poker journey. looking forward to read some more.

good luck darth!!! From another recreational MTT Ontario grinder. Ill be following my friend.

Great first post!

I'm old too for the world of poker. You sound like you put yourself down, and maybe you're overdoing it for the comedic aspect of your writing style (which is very enjoyable); but if I'm correct then I think confidence counts for a lot in this game, so maybe that's been where a lot of your struggles lie.

Anyway, I'm speaking from experience as I have recently had somewhat of a resurgence in my game. I used to dwell a lot on 'wasted' years too; but we can't go back now so there's a lot of positive things you can focus on like finding the most efficient way for you to improve in this game with the time you have. Maybe changing to cash games is going to be what you really need at this time; and is more suited to your skills and experience who knows.

GL, rooting for you.

Very true, it is important to be thankful for what we do have.

You are correct, sir. I've always struggled with low self-esteem and a lack of confidence. I'm an introvert, and was very shy growing up. Doesn't help that I'm 5'8", 135 pounds, so I don't have much physical presence. I don't fit in with the alpha-male types. That's why I started my journey years ago by focusing on my mental game - my confidence, in particular. I realized that I often felt intimidated at live tables and let fear prevent me from taking risks. I'm also not a gambler. I enjoy the strategic aspect of poker but I don't enjoy taking big financial risks.

The confidence aspect of my game has improved a lot but outside poker I'm still not the most confident guy. It is what it is.

Good luck! I'm a 54-year-old woman and I can sit at a poker table for 12 hours+, so don't give up hope

Without back pain? Impressive.

Hey man,

If you enjoy the competitiveness and strategy aspect of the game then cash was always a better option for you. NL cash game with deep stacks is as complex as poker can be. Also Ontario if being fenced is actually not that bad cause we will play in a way weaker player pool now, which is good if you're aiming for profits lol

Great thread OP! i wish you all the best..


I have subbed and will follow your progress.. now go crush!

I can definitely see how cash can be more enjoyable from a strategy point of view. But you don't get the enjoyment of knocking people out and climbing the payout ladder.

Let's hope we get a big influx of new players after April 4! I did hear a rumour from the rumour mill near the grapevine by the water cooler that Stars will continue to operate with an open player pool until they get their license, which might not happen for another month or two.

I find variance in poker fascinating. But in the same way that I might find it fascinating to watch flesh-eating disease disintegrate my skin. Nah, that’s not the right analogy. Flesh eating disease isn’t good for anyone, but some people do benefit from positive variance. There is this mystery that surrounds it though. Like how long is the long run? Is it possible that I could run bad for my entire life? That I could be 80 years old sitting in front of a window (I really hope I have a window when I’m old, preferably one that faces the sun) and never know what it feels like to run good? If I could do some weird dance moves and travel to an alternate dimension a la The OA, could I end up in a dimension where players like Negreanu, Fedor, Bonomo, and Kenney are all nobodys who quit poker early because they suffered negative variance, while people like me are rolling in the poker dough? How much of their success is actually due to skill as opposed to just running good at the right time? Just think for a minute how different all their careers could have turned out if one hand didn’t hold up, or if one opponent’s draw got there, or if they just didn’t get dealt KK when someone else had QQ. Everyone in the poker world accepts that guys like Andrew Gold aren’t actually talented and just ran really well for one tournament, but isn’t it also possible that some pros have run really well for several tournaments? Or several years? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that Fedor Holz or Negreanu aren’t talented poker players. I have an immense amount of respect for someone like Negreanu, who basically reinvented his game to stay competitive and has had success over a long period of time. But he also had years of failure. What if those years came at the beginning of his career, and he just gave up? How many people are out there who could have become big poker winners if they just held on long enough for their variance turn to come around? This is part of what has kept me going all this time – convincing myself that all I have to do is stay afloat while I wait for my positive variance turn. Will I be writing this thread in 10 years, still waiting for my damn turn?

Looks like we got a stay of execution from the governor for April 4. Even though we don't have governors. Or executions.

Pokerstars announced they might not have their license for another month or two and until then Ontario players will be able to continue playing with the global pool. And GG has apparently decided to delay their transition, though I haven't received an email to that effect.

I'm enjoying playing cash though. It definitely isn't as exciting as playing MTTs but that's actually a good thing. It's a more relaxed and less intense game, and the suckouts and coolers are easier to take when I'm not faced with the prospect of busting when I lose them. It also takes some of the pressure off when you're not forced to make moves and commit your stack.

Pokerstars has added a Micro Millions event this weekend, maybe that's a sign. First the ring-fencing of Ontario players gets delayed, then Stars adds the one series that is perfect for my bankroll. This is it, I can feel it!

I'm going to take a break from studying and just play. I realized that part of my frustration and my negative mindset stems from putting in work and not seeing results. Maybe if I take a break from the work it will reduce the pressure and I'll enjoy playing more than I do. I feel like I've established a pretty good foundation and it's impossible to become a perfect poker player.

I do wonder whether there is a point of diminishing returns when it comes to studying poker, at least for lower stakes players. If you're playing high stakes against the top players, then it's reasonable to study extensively to eke out every edge you can against the opposition. But at the lower stakes, where most players likely don't study at all, or don't do much beyond memorizing preflop charts, there might be such a thing as studying too much. Maybe all we need at this level is to develop a good enough foundation to get us ahead of the population and then take it from there. Given that I'm focusing mostly on cash now I'll plan to do a check-in analysis after a few thousand hands but until then I'm not going to do any studying.

I think I need to set myself some goals. I haven't played cash all week - just haven't felt motivated. I fired up some MTTs over the weekend since Stars was running MicroMillions, but I busted everything on bad beats and it served as a good reminder of why I wanted to focus on cash for a while. But the problem I've always had with playing cash is it just feels to tedious. It's hard to feel motivated to play for a couple of hours to make $5 when I can just relax and play MLB The Show on Playstation.

Of course I'm not feeling particularly motivated in general these days. I'd call it a mid-life crisis but I've gone through this before. I work in a very specialized field that requires a significant amount of self-motivation and doesn't have any opportunities for upward mobility or career progression. So when I'm going through a slow period at work it's easy to feel discouraged and bored, like I'm spinning my wheels. I don't have an exciting life outside home and work either, which is partly by design. I'm an introvert and prefer a quiet evening/weekend at home, which is just fine 95% of the time. The other 5% is when I look around and wonder why my life is so boring and I tell myself I'm going to call someone I haven't spoken to in a while. And then I can't be bothered because I really hate talking on the phone.

So I'm thinking about picking up some charity work to give me something a bit more meaningful to look forward to. Maybe keep some old geezers company or something.

Haven't posted in a while - 5 weeks to be exact. My relationship with poker has changed a lot in that time. I haven't played cash at all and still dabble on the weekends but my attitude about the game is much different now. Not because I'm winning - I'm still running like crap and not getting much in the way of results - but because I just don't care anymore. Why? One reason is that I've found another hobby to occupy my time and attention. I've really gotten into betting on MLB games and I'm enjoying digging into the stats and analyzing games. But the other reason is that I've stopped taking poker so seriously. I realized that a big part of my frustration with poker stemmed from how much work I was putting in and not seeing results. It occurred to me, why the hell am I torturing myself like this? I play micro stakes tournaments recreationally and I'm putting all this work into studying with no return on that investment. Maybe I should let it go and just play? I've build myself a solid foundation with all the work I've done, so maybe now I should put the study on hold and just play. At least this way when I fail I just don't care as much.

Honestly, I don't think studying helps too much at micro-stakes because the other players have no idea what's going on and probably don't really care. My opinion is that they are just there to have fun, kill time, and hope to get lucky. I could be wrong, though.

I think it definitely helps up to a point but I've come to believe that there is a point of diminishing returns.