I'm at a crossroads in my life, and it's starting to feel like make-or break time.

While there are many aspects with which I am struggling lately, I've also been blessed with a kind of awareness, and I've decided to finally make a real run for it, to become the person I want to be. I will trace that journey in this thread.

My Poker Background

I have been an on and off pro for about 10 years, playing low-mid stakes live mostly. I currently play mostly 1/3-2/5 (partially due to bankroll reasons, partially due to availability), but I've played as high as 25/50 (maybe 300+ hours lifetime). I've been relatively comfortable throughout my career, although I've had bad patches and have gone close to broke once or twice (have always had ways to make money back or borrow or get staked when that happened so it wasn't quite as dire as it sounds).

So everything's fine, I'm just plugging along, what's the problem? Well, a couple of things.

Health:

I've been struggling with my physical and mental health all my life, and have always dealt with it halfheartedly. I've managed to survive and function through it all with only a few lapses, and as a result have mostly let it be, but I think it's taken a real toll on me, and it's starting to accumulate to the point where if I don't do something about it, my life is going to fall apart. I've always just dealt with it, but my health issues (physical health, anxiety and depression) just makes it a lot harder for me to put in volume, have a social life, or enjoy life and motivate myself. Sometimes I can't leave the apartment or get anything done. A few times it's disrupted my grind or travel plans significantly.

Poker:

Throughout the years I've moved up and down quite a few times, I've gotten into some financial issues (health related stuff or having to "lend" people money etc) and it's stopped me being able to move up or keep playing higher stakes. I also help support my family, but I don't see that as a leak so much as just something I want to do with my money. I'm luckily reasonably competent and have always managed to compete, but the games are progressively getting tougher, and with all the problems I've mentioned in my life I just haven't ever been able to push myself hard and maximise my talent and make the best out of it until it runs out.

Like with my health and lifestyle, my poker career is a ticking time bomb. I'm in my 30s now and I know I'm not going to be able to continue like this forever. Arguably it was a miracle I even lasted this long. The last 5 years the games have been soft enough I can sometimes play <50 hours a month and still manage to stay afloat through my edge or with my savings, but those days are going away. My health and other attributes make me not have great prospects making money outside of poker, so I think I'll be playing poker for a long time (though maybe not that long, I don't honestly know how long I will live, might not be that long, not to be cynical).


Solutions and Plans

So all that is a bit depressing, but it's what it is, and facing the reality has actually been liberating and motivating, and has inspired me to make some serious changes to my life, to make plans to live the life I want.

As I mentioned, I will be playing poker for the foreseeable future and the least I can do is to make the best of a good situation and save up money, and also work on my health so that in the future when my hourly lowers I can manage to put in 40-50 hour weeks without imploding.

I have some surgeries/medical procedures coming up (will hopefully fix my shoulder soon), and I've started seeing therapists and psychologists to hopefully go on medication or something. It's actually a big step, because it actually takes a lot of time and effort to get all this done, not to mention the cost. I think I might potentially self-medicate as well as an option, after doing some more research and seeing my options.

My ex is moving out of the apartment soon back to their family, and I intend to move out as well, and then do some travelling and seek out better and/or higher games if bankroll allows. This change is obviously a very big thing for me and what really sparked this thread, but it's not too poker related so I won't go too deeply into it. I think I've needed to be alone for a while to focus on myself and my aspirations, and I think it'd be good for the other parties as well. I will be supporting them financially, but I the reduced stress will be very welcome, and it'd allow me to work on my health and also poker.

Poker-wise, aside from generally trying to move up and grow a bankroll, plans are mostly up in the air for the near future. After all, that's part of the charm of poker. I've got a reasonable amount of money saved up, almost 50k, and after moving out of the apartment and having more time I should have a lot more leeway with taking shots than before. I still can't really shot too aggressively for now since I'm still sending money and got health expenditures that may come up, but if I can put in a solid grind for the next few months I should be able to grow my roll and start playing 5/10 10/20 more often.

In the meantime I've also started talking poker more with higher stakes and more motivated people. I don't really want to make this a strategy focused thread (I mostly wanted to do some journal-ling and to track my progress) so I won't go into it in detail, but I intent to spend a lot of time studying. That, and health, will take priority over grind at least until after WSOP.

If I do exceptionally well I might move out before WSOP, go to Vegas, and make a big trip of it, but either way it's not that important, sometimes you just run bad, after all, no need to force the issue. I do think there's a good chance I'll hit a nice upswing though.


Expectations/Goals

I think goals are kind of necessary for this kind of thread even though I feel like it's good to be adaptable, and to be realistic and not make overly ambitious goals. I'll start with three main ones, and then some "bonus objectives" so to speak.

Poker:

1) Stabilise my expenses and have a solid bankroll for 2/5 to start taking shots higher

2) Consume study material I have planned (10-15 hours a week of studying)

3) Get better at putting in EFFECTIVE hours. Be better about starting and ending study and grind, and not just drone on.

a) Get rolled and confidence to stay in average 2/5-5/10 games.

b) Hit all time high for bankroll. I have 25k at the moment, and would like to double in the next 9 months, and break 6 figures in 2 years.

c) Expand my poker: travel more, start playing online and tracking stats..


Non-Poker:

1) As above, use time effectively and exercise, meditate, or relax, and not just drone on doing things I am not enjoying.

2) See all the doctors I'm supposed to see, take the medication I should take, do the exercises I planned for myself, keep eating well, be my authentic self, that kind of thing.

3) Be better about allocating time on people, more with people who are good for me, less with those who are not.

a) Start dating casually again, and be more consistent about socialising, not just in a patchy way.

b) Keep better track of my finances/expenditures

c) Try picking up a regular hobby. Swimming or rock climbing maybe.

good luck on your journey.

health is by far the most important thing. without health, we have nothing. my parents always remind me health is most important. money comes and goes. health, once it starts declining, is really difficult to maintain or improve for the most part.

hope you hit and exceed whatever you set your mind to.

get a real job imo

Are you hiring?

You pay enough for me to support my family? You paying my medical bills too? I have like 5 conditions that need treatment, I need a ton of sick days, and I might get a seizure with no warning and have to take the day off or get sent to an emergency room, I assume you okay with that or you wouldn’t have told me to get a job that I have never seen available to me in my lifetime.

Do pm me your offer, look forward to reading it, I really appreciate it.

p.s I have an empty resume for 10 years and a drug history, but I assume, again, you wouldn’t discriminate.

damn i guess poker it is then

Subbed. Good luck, Pixie.

good luck, do u play plo? noticed u giving me advice there earlier

Unfortunately. People really underrate how many advantages there are to playing poker for a living compared for some people. I'm pretty sure without poker I'd be homeless right now.

Thanks!

Thankfully I've always dealt with my problems okay, but as you say, these things can get out of control fast. I've seen it happen to people. One month their fine, a month later everything seems to collapse. In my case though, money is very important in keeping that in check, at least in my current situation. Having a surplus of money allows me to take breaks and take care of my health I wouldn't be able to otherwise.

Sorry, I missed this post.

I play a mix of PLO and NL. There isn't a huge selection of games where I am so I have to make do with playing both. I've spent different periods of my life playing only PLO and only NLHE.

PLO where it's a limpfest with little raising is one of the worst experiences ever, especially when it's so slow. This happens especially a lot at lower stakes games, and is the worst when the rake is terrible. Games have been decent lately though, so I've been mostly playing that.

+1. GL Pixie!

Thank you!

Time for a quick update:

Won small since the start of the thread (<$1k)

Not too much poker. A friend of mine had been made homeless temporarily and was staying at my place and I was helping him get set up, get a temp job, find a new place and so on. Worked out fine, thankfully, but having someone in my space makes it hard for me to put in as many hours or study as much.

That's kind of what I mean about socialising again but better balance. I need to be able to do it, but not at the expense of my routine. As it was, I spent a lot of time with my friend (sharing music and talking about books and such), cooked a bunch of meals. It was great, and stuff I want in my life, but clocking in at 25 hours of poker in 10 days is not what I want.

Part of the reason was also that the games at the start of that period weren't very good and I ran pretty bad. I was losing almost 5k, which is a significant portion of my bankroll. After he left (a pure coincidence, of course), I manage to win it all back.

About 1/3 of it is from live. I think I was pretty unlucky when I lost, and pretty lucky when I won. That's the thing about live poker; most your sessions will be decided by a few key pots. Also saw some pretty brutal beats/funny drama between regs, from regs trash talking each other behind each other's backs and being pissy with each other, ending up with some slowrolls and so on. Live poker is a real trip.

I usually play mostly live, so it is rare for most of my results to come from online. I was playing actually only .5/1 and some 1/2, but PLO being what it is, the swings were pretty big. Some of them were untracked sites, but some not, so I will be reviewing some hands. Also increasingly worried about collusions on these less tracked sites, but I assume at low stakes it's no big deal. The thing is, I intend to move up, in which case it might be a greater danger.

I also played some NLHE but it was pretty boring and made up a small part of my results (I steadily won a a hundred here or there over the past 2 weeks). I did some check raising with bdsfd and and barrelled down and took a big pot down that was kinda cool, but honestly it was standard low frequency bluff on dry board, nothing actually exciting. I think I lost KK vs AA and then won with a set vs KK in another spot, and besides that didn't have any big pots.

The NLHE games just have not been that exciting, usually just some passive fish with short stacks and some tightish weak regs. When it -was- gambly, which happened a few times when a big spot sat down, I haven't managed to find a hand to get involved.

I also went to my doctor's appointment, and had a minor surgery that went well. Feeling pretty good about that. Have some more coming up next week. My ex has moved out, and I went out to help her paint her new room and spend time. That was nice.

I think I'll probably move after the series, or potentially I might store my stuff somewhere and go on a roadtrip. It's kind of up in the air right now, but I think it's no hurry. I kind of want to focus on padding my roll for the next few weeks first and then see what to do. I'm thinking of going to Vegas and LA if I get enough of a roll to play some 5/10, but realistically I don't want to do that until I have 40k. That said it's not like I have to play 5/10 if I go play there, it's just those places have somewhat more pricey accommodations and slightly better regs so if I weren't going to play bigger there might not be as much point to go.

I do want to move up faster, at least to a stake that rakes less though. You can make a healthy amount at low stakes, but you are capped by the rake and by the fact that a small local player pool just doesn't have that much money (after the rake especially) to lose.