Originally Posted by damhill
good evening every one its 12:20 here we had cashes today didnt do **** in the 100k just ran bad was card dead and lost a few flips.
cashed a few other events and played some plo cash where we won a buy in or so over a few minutes, the plo50 fish r gambly morons.
Still running horrible in the 11$ sngs, but we are ending the night with the BR at $513.25
Gonna call it a night got to work on some stuff for the other project I know that's like 6 months away before we have to do that full time, and its like 90% a go at the moment, the last 10% would be either a funding issue, which I would be able to over come or solve either out of pocket or just with a smaller budget to start, the other part of the 10% would be me just deciding I didnt want to do it. Like I said I cant share to much about the other project yet, but it would be a huge strain on my PTSD/Anxiety, exposure therapy is the best treatment, in the long run it would actually probably be really really good for my anxiety for me to do it because I would be forced to travel, which I havent done in like 5 years due to the anxiety from my PTSD. So even though at this moment in time anxiety wise I wouldnt be able to leave and do start it today, 6 months is a long time, I could easily build up to that point, and honestly I think it would be better, my anxiety although it is from my ptsd has gotten worse honestly because I allowed it to. When I first started having anxiety attacks they were few and far between but they became more and more common, and the doctors were so reluctant to give me benzos, which would actually help to stop a bad attack when it happened, that I started living my life in a way to avoid having attacks, which just made me a shut in causing me to have anxiety attacks because I was worried about having anxiety attacks. Honestly I think its the dumbest thing in the world, its literally my body fighting against itself and being a Veteran and a soldier, my entire military and sports career we were constantly taught mind over body, but when you feel like you cant breath, feel like you are having a heart attack, feel like you're gonna pass out, your heart rate is going up, your blood pressure is increasing, and your breathing is going faster, which makes you feel more like you cant breath, yeah that really ****ing sucks a lot. All the breathing exercises and stuff they try to teach you to do can only do so much, and then its down to medication, which is also bad for you long term and you become dependent on it. So we gotta find a way to work past it, or literally die trying. If I have a heart attack trying to get past it and die, drink a beer in my honor yeah?
I feel pretty open tonight so I'll share with you guys a bit more about me and my current situation. I am considered 90% disabled by the VA. I am considered this because my anxiety and such makes it so no one can really give me a job because if I have a bad anxiety attack best case I need about an hour for my medicine to kick in and everythign to get back to normal, worst case I have to go to the ER where they will give me even mroe medicine then im gonna be pretty high for several hours after that, so it's pretty hard for me to find work. I get a small check from the VA each month about 2k a month which like ive said before pays my bills but leaves me basically unable to eat the rest of the month so thats where poker comes in, I've been staked about the last 3 years I just recently ended that stage of my life and I've talked to a stables and turned down a few offers and decided I would rather not be staked again, its a very stressful life style with make up and everything.
So now its just me and my 3 dogs in a big house, (my ex cheated on me so many times I just couldnt put up with it anymore, but thats a long story with an amazing 4 year old autistic boy, who isnt my bio child but I've been there since the day my ex found out she was pregnant and I dont get to see him any more since the state I live in doesnt recognize father figure rights, yeah **** you to Nebraska) But since its just me some days, like today, i order door dash twice a day and dont leave home, those are bad days, that makes my anxiety worse, but we are working on all that and changing a bunch of stuff and hopefully in 6 months I will be in a better spot and a different person and up about 15k ready to start on my next adventure through life.
I know I kind of rambled here but hopefully it gives you all an idea of who I am and what to expect in the future.
GL every one see you on the stream and on the tables