Borrowed $40 friend and had a small ABI ~4.5 session.
Nothing happened, bricked everything.
Frustrating despite how small the loss is
All I want is to win a tournament so I can start being rolled.
I cant work right now because I had a stint with the psychiatric ward from August to November and now I get paid $560 each month which takes me absolutely nowhere.
Think I already mentioned it on my post aboc but I am incredibly frustrated.

On top of that I am dealing with addiction (not poker) and it is hell on earth.
At the same time I am forced to receive an Injection of antipsychotics every 2nd weak combined with two other meds which kills my souls fire
10+ people have commented that I am missing my old spark. The old me, the energetic happy and positive dude.
Right now he is gone but I am sure I will make a comeback.
That was probably it for today.
No it wasnt.

I am grinding on a MacBook Pro which has a too small screen so it is not an optimal setup besides that my desk sucks and the way I sit hurts my back because I dont have a good chair either.
As soon as I get enough money I am buying a new computer first of all.

This sucks right now not owning a penny to my name and like $10k in debts to my dad who bailed out every one of my loans.
Besides that my parents God do I Love then (I havent moved out I live with them) keep nagging on me to stop "losing money" which is theyr definition on me playing Poker for a living.

Man I won a lot when I was 21 but if I just had BRM table selection and tilt (I used to tilt incredibly hard) I would have been rich now.

Also the first prizes used to be soo much bigger like wins of $10k+ in like a mid stakes even low stakes tournament.
Now all Is PKO and the first prizes are like $3-5k which is good but it used to be the double.

Enough nagging.

Besides this I got myself a HUD for a 30 day trial which is really good.
My game for sure improved because I had more information and I played differently in s couple of spots from what I used to do.

Lets get this man!
I have total Faith in myself and my ability.
Whatever I put my heart and Soul in I accomplish great things in.
For now I will find something to play with my last $2.20.
Kthxbai

Live update;
$2.64 to my name and I registered a $2.20 sattelite to Hot 22, sunrunned and won a ticket and right now I am playing it.
Time to ****ing win this TOURNEY!!!

Didnt win.
Rejammed A5o vs BTN open 18bb effective ran into better Ax.
Next hand BTN opens I rejam A7o and BB Wakes up with AK.

In the future I will be tighter with rejamming bad aces. I used to do it way too often but there are so many other spots to grab chips instead of rejamming an ace just because you think ace blocker lulz lets rejam.
Well we live and we learn.
Now I have to wait until Sunday because Im life busto i have $0.04 to my name.
This weekend im working (as a poker dealer) in an underground club so Ill make $150-200 which I will all put on Stars and continue the grind.

I dont only see the light at the end of the tunnel I can feel it. Bear my words I am in for one hell of a run.

If anybody reads please dont be shy, write something whatever. This journal is about to become Epic

Borrowed $100 from a friend and started a very sattelite heavy run.
Managed to satt in to the $44 BB, which I busted 30 away from the money.
The biggest shot I took was a $5.50 sat into a $55 into a $530 bounty builder.
I managed to punt off and pure bubbled a $109 cash prize which would be absolutely huge because now I only have $14 to my name on my account...
Besides that I final tabled a big $109 sat.
Busted 7th, was 3 tickets for the winners.

Why so many sattelites you may wonder?
I am trying to break it or make it.
If I bink one $5k win nothing can stop me anymore.

I have studied a lot of poker and my obsession with poker is back. Most of my waking time I think about poker.
Eventually I will make it, mark my words.
I will show everyone that I will make it and prove any disbelievers wrong.

Just took down 3rd place in the Hot Hyper 7.50 for like $170. Lost a flip 88 vs AK.
Also got 2nd in a 2.2 for like 46 bucks.
Now I got enough to play both tomorrow and on Sunday ship it!!!

These posts will become golden when I am a baller regging $5ks live.
Seriously my goal is to become a baller and one day I will be one mark my words.

Lets ****ing go tomorrow and on Sunday!!

Busto and total busto.
I owe a lot of friends money so I cant see how I will scrape together anything to grind with.

Why am I not winning?
honestly i grind way too much volume maybe.
i play 8 tables on a small MacBook setup 13 inch screen. this is what I have right now.

kind of messed up my MacBooks display though so insurance will hopefully pay me some money so I can buy a new setup.

i grinded 1.1s all night baring to absolutely nothing. Now I just Count down the time until tonight which my sick pay might be paid 00.00. I am gonna be degen and wait all day all day.

One day this broke misery will be nostalgia INSHALLAH

hey bitches its me and Im back with some GREAT NEWS
I just now like an hour ago shipped the Big $5.50 for $503.

I GOT A ROLL NOW!!!
My back was ****ing against the wall.
I owed literally 5 people money, so I had barely enough to grind with.

but i ****ing made it, i ****ing made it.

Goal now is never ever to go busto again.

here we ****ing go, from now on I am unstoppable.

SHIP IT!
Won the hot $4.40 for another $340 so now I am BALLIN
LETS ****ING GOOOO

Whats up bitches!!!!
I shipped the Hot $4.40 today aswell.
The sun run is for REALZ!!

Now I can finally afford a new computer.
And now I can actually afford to even exist.
Lets ****ing go!!!

Pretty proud of this win rate over 20k hands.
Lets keep crushing it!!

Are you bipolar?

That was a wild rollercoaster to read man. Entertaining but concerning at some points at the same time.

Funny to read about the RuneScape prop bets with friends, I actually did the same and also loved to “gamble” in the duel arena hehe

Goodluck with the tourneys man! And keep working hard on your mental game

Nice thread haha

Good luck

Probably not just a guy with very strong Emotions that can change quickly.

Yeah man that love to gambool came early for many of us, nice to have you in here

Thanks bro!!!!

So today was one hell of a rollercoaster.
My roll right now is at $700 but I was down to like $350.

I FTed the Hot $44 and busted brutally in 5th AJ vs QJ QQx flop KO me.

I felt devastated but the show must go on and I have my speedy resources to continue going on.

Managed to get a 6th in the Big $5.50 for $40.
Bustout hand was totally my own fault.

We are 3/6 60bb effective stack with villain.
I open AKo utg villain from Brazil! 3bets me i elect to call.

Flop is AQ6, we check he bets 1/4 pot we call.
Turn is a J he bets 1/2 pot we call.
River was something inconsentual but my spidey senses were tingling so I block bet 5bb leaving 20bb behind.

Villain jams and for some reason still unbeknowst to me probably fatigue from the long grind i call villain off for my remaining 20bb and he turns over AT for the nuts.

So tilting because I had played flawlessly prior to this and I managed to blow it in one hand which well... usually can be the case in poker.

Whatever atleast I got a nice roll to grind with and I am getting money from my insurance company for my "broken" computer which 4/5 works. I will upload a picture when I come home but basically one fifth of the screen is pitch black lol.
Despite this I manage to get around it and grind 8 tables.

I am a legend, I am a legend - I am a LEGEND.

Happy to see some faces around here dont be shy if you are reading this will be the most epic journal in this section mark my words.

Ya that one hand thing sucks. Can really bring me down also after a session. Lots of effort, and just 1 mistake can be costly, and
then you have to think about it till your next session.

Most epic journal.

I dunno about that. Your so up and down. 1 day its epic, the next day the sky is falling.

I hope you manage to suceed you seem like a nice enough guy. There is alot of skills required
to be great at poker. But effort and motivation can really be helpful, and it seems ot have
the drive anyways. Good luck

Thanks bro. Yeah its one hell of a rollercoaster.

I am close to bust rn only $30 left on my stars account.
Did a really degenerate thing and withdrew cash to buy some drugs and now I am close to bust ffs.
Once again my back is against the wall and all I know is going forwards.

Im all busto, so no pokers for me in a While....

If you were in a psych ward and were being injected with antipsychotics, then you clearly have something going on. Did you not receive a formal diagnosis? If it's not bipolar it sounds like BPD

Sorry if I sound harsh, but no chance you can be a successful poker player without effectively dealing with that, and the only way to do that is to see a therapist and receive regular mental health treatment. Sounds to me like you're +EV from a strictly technical perspective, but ruin that with bad BRM, mental game, and soft skills

Not to say that you couldn't get there, because you potentially can, but you have to be very self-aware and serious about your mental health in order to stop the self-destructive behavior that causes you to inevitably punt off your roll every time

You do kind of have a point but I am keeping myself in check.
Things happened which I won't disclose here which made me end up in the psychiatric ward.
Was a rough time, was there for two ****ing months.
Lost my physique (I was super musucular and I lost quite a lot of my physique) which affected me negatively.
Ive also lost my passion for poker.

I can't afford to play and when I do I just don't feel it anymore.
Besides that I watch a lot of poker on YouTube so I still have some love for the game but I just don't feel it anymore.
It used to get me super excited to play Poker but now I just feel empty inside.
Anyone else had the same experience and managed to find the passion back again?
As I'm writing I am single tabling the Bounty Builder 3.30 with a top 5 stack but I just don't feel like it.

Hello fellow, nice thread.

How did that bountybuilder end?

If you still love the game, but dont feel it anymore playing nlhe, maybe you should try Omaha variants and/or Mixed MTTs...
There are players who dont even know the rules in 11$ 8game MTTs, same as in the NLO8 ones, every now and then.

Normal weekly fieldsizes are small and soft, which reduces variance, but during a xCOOP or most other series, you also get big fields that are extremly soft for a change, every now and then.

Just try your luck on super soft 1$ PLO Spin and goes to learn how to play PLO shortstacked from 50 to 10 big blinds a little bit, then add some 2.20 or 3.30$ PLO MTTs after you've build some confidence and won at least a dozen of them, if you want new enjoyment of playing poker, id suggest.

If you have any questions about the Omaha or mixed games, just ask me here, if its an easy question, or send me a PM, if you want a long answer to smth.

Good luck, mate.

Thanks bro!!!
iDK how the bountybuilder went, guess I did not win it.

Happy to say that I am playing again and that I feel a level of excitement for the game.
No big bankroll yet but i AM ON THE GRIND!!!!

Im busto. The passion has reignited but I am Busto. Got less than $10 to my name and I need to survive three more weeks like this.

I work as a poker dealer though (underground) so I will get back to work ASAP and try to make it work. My plan is to get enough of a roll (about €1700) so I can travel to Barcelona 10th of July for the Lex Open.

This is my plan and it gives me a lot of hope but it will require that I work hard at the Poker club.

Thats it.
The session today was really miserable, I burnt my last remaining $30 to my name on some low stakes tournaments and $2 SnGs.

I will come back though, the passion has reignited.
Lets go!!!!