Intro,
A memoir of a degen:
I've always loved to gamble, and I have done so since I was a kid. It did not start of very well either, I was buried deep in ''debts'' as a 8 year old when I ran incredibly bad playing rock paper scissors against a friend for Runescape in-game currency (had to grind for two weeks straight killing monsters and collecting loot ffs). This passed on and every game I played had the touch of gambling. I played Habbohotel (a online-community where you could interact and have rooms which you could decorate with furniture) where you could actually have your own casino, lol. You basicly had in-game dices that you rolled and the closest one to 21 won double theyr wager. At the age of ten I was playing blackjack basicly for real money since the in-game furniture actually costed and I was playing pretty high stakes. It doesn't strike me until now how sick that actually is and that it was not targeted in any way.

Fastforward until I'm 18 where I started actually gambling a tad, the occasional slot or some blackjack. I really loved it, a bit too much. However that was short lived, I still remember my first experience on Pokerstars. I deposited 20 bucks and played 25NL, doubling it up quickly and as quickly dumping it. I deposited again and started playing some 6 max hypers and I was hooked. This was the ****, and I was actually good at it! (roflmao I sucked and ran like Hermes). I made like 300 bucks in two days and thought I had found out a way to print money. Cashed out, and was incredibly pleased with myself. Well spoiler alert, this was not a way of printing money. I kept playing and I sucked so bad that I just kept losing for months, the fact that I was playing $15s. I gambled away every single penny I earned through my job as a; wait for it..: croupier (lol how unexpected). It sucked, I was such a degen and I hated myself for it. I was counting down every single day until my next salary which is the 25th here in Sweden, and then procceeded to go broke within days. Rinse and repeat. Relatively it was not very big sums at all, but it was what I had and it started to escalate.


I had tried to play tournaments at times, but I just did not have the patience. Patience has never been my thing, and patience is key in MTT poker. 6 max hypers were perfect, fast paced and mass variance. My cup of tea. I would try the occasional turbo but even that was too slow for me. I gave the Hotter 16.5 a shot one sunday and I managed to go deep. I played like utter bull****, but with 30 left I was 2nd in chips. I was about to burst in pure excitement, this was my DREAM. To break even and even be in big profit. Every degen knows that they only have one goal on theyr mind, to break even. You look forward to that ****ing day when all your losses are buried by the big score. For months this was on my mind, I had to make back what I lost. But I was quickly pulled out of my dream. I busted in 16th when my A9s could not hold up against KQ. The queen on the floop was like a sledgehammer to my nuts. I could not sleep that night, I felt so incredibly bad that I did not know what to do with myself. I was so close, but I was screwed. ****ing ****.

Somehow the next Sunday I manage to run deep in the Hotter 75. I remember the prize being 20k+ and I felt that this was my ****ing chance, I was given a second ****ing chance. This time was my ****ing time, and when I see a shove and reshove and wait impatiently to click call with my KK the excitement was beyond the roof. I even flopped a set, but I got backdoored by A7o which rivered a straight. I proceeded to bust in 50th place and once again I was a wreck. ****ing hell, fml. So ****ing close again why was I so unlucky? Little did I know that worse was to come.
I decided to solely grind turbo MTTs, I had been so close to my goal and felt that I kept grinding that I could do it. Over the coming 6 months I ran so ****ing bad that it was not sane. Admittedly I was not very good at playing, but I just took some insane and outrageous beats where I should have just held. It never stopped and I kept being manhandled deep in tournaments over and over again. Obviously this is not good for your economical status and I was torching money at a very fast rate. As the months kept passing I had an occasional small 1-2k score which I lost back within weeks, enough to keep the small fire within myself burning.

My first real big score was the Hot 27, I won $4k. This was in december just a couple of months ago. And somehow I was not satisfied at all, this was rougly more than 1/3 of what I had managed to lost in the previous year. I had to keep grinding, and grinding I did almost managing to bust my roll again. For a couple of weeks I was swinging like a ****ing yo-yo. Losing 2-3k, binking a mtt, losing 2-3k and then binking again. At this time I decided to invest in a coach, I GRIND THIS (best coach NA) which pointed out my obvious leaks (punting and random spazzes lol) but also overall helped me play a much more solid game. Well, shortly after I procceeded to have the sickest sunday ever where I chopped the Hotter $33 for $10.5k, won a $109 turbo for $5.8k and chopped the Hotter 8.8 for $2k.

Finally I had managed to break even, and was well in the profits region. But it was not as I had imagined to all. All I felt was apathy, it really was not as big of a deal as I had thought. The coming days I barely played at all, and when I did i played sloppy since I had no motivation at all. I had gone from zero to actually having much money (by my own standards) and I really could not give less of a ****.

This was just a month ago, I actually was about to start a journal here before that but I just could not be arsed at that time.


With all my rabblings put away this will be my log where I log everything. All the MTTs I play, all my feelings and what not. I will try to take a much more serious and stricter approach towards poker where every single hand and BI matters, as of right now I'm not always playing my A-game and sometimes I basicly punt away stacks especially early on in tournaments. This journal will be a way to enforce myself of playing a solid game since I will log every single tournament played with any occuring spot or if I do something plain stupid.

As of now I only have one goal and that is to make $25k until the end of the year, not including earlier cashes so I'm counting from journal start.

So sit back, fasten your seat belts and enjoy the ride!

Thread savers:


My graph, lol. Outdated one tho, I might be a tad + since then.


A newly taken picture of me.

lol, in

i would recommend not posting too much in mtt forums, it'll drain you after a while with all the trolling and shenanigans...just my 2 cents from someone who has been there

In, interesting OP to say the least.

The only and only RWE, yea lol I'm starting to understand that..
Lol, yeah.


I should be updating much more frequently, and I should've logged yesterdays grind but I'm kind of down because I dropped 2.5-3kish playing PLO this Saturday. The game is beyond soft, but the swings are just not very sane and I should have been prepared mentally for losing 10-15 BI. Umm, I lost a very big flip in the 109 turbo sunday special for 30b++ with 50 left that kind of sucked.

Next update won't suck as much I promise, lol.

This just happened in a $82 hyper, ffs I shouldve went with my gut feeling


Bankroll on stars atm is $3790 I only keep about 125-150 BI on the account and have the rest on my bank account. Umm yeah, thats it.

Man I feel miserable. Winning the Minuit Express on .fr two weeks ago after just bricking everything for weeks I felt like a king, punting away $2.3k on PLO some days later I wanted to sink through the ground; amongst the worst feelings I've ever felt in my life. A couple of days later I take down 4th in the Big $162 and once again I felt euphoric, but still with the nagging feeling that I could have done better, with the nagging feeling that I could be so much more up if I just did not punt away my money the previous day. But still I felt good again. I have some kind of manic desire to always count my net worth, I count my bank account, my bankroll, my stocks and I also have quite a big loan given out to a friend. I think of how much I would have had if I did that and just stayed away from that. I don't even know why I do it, I'm usually not that fixated to money and I realize that money isn't everything in the world but I just can not stand the horrible feeling of being stuck.

I played some live PLO this weekend and lost $2.8k more, I just kept getting coolered over and over again. It did not really hit me the same day but man did it sting the day after, I shouldn't be playing that high not that I am the worst PLO player but its just so incredibly dumb to expose myself to that kind of variance. I just can not take it. It just feels so undescribably bad and on that I entirely bricked this Sunday having some deep runs but getting wacked over when I really needed it. At the end of the session I felt so ****ing devastated, man **** my life what the I hate myself this ****ing sucks so much. And for every brick day I just feel worse, I keep counting my net worth and its slowly decaying. It is killing me from the inside, and I'm seriously questioning myself if I really have what it takes. Especially after just having a coaching session and seeing a deep run of mine I really started to doubt my ability. I did nothing special, I just ran good. Everyone can ****ing run good for a couple of hundred hands.

I really needed to vent my feelings, hope someone can say anything that cheers me up.

I really hope that I rise up once again at the count of nine as I have done so many times before

Here is my actual poker graph for what its worth, makes me cringe thinking about how much more I could have had right now so I cant take myself to watch it for too long without feeling incredibly bad about it.

Meanwhile crying I won a small 33 turbo for $930 bucks, really ****ty pay but atleast made me feel like less of a loser. I'll be starting with daily updates from on now.

Jeez dude. No one says anything "to cheers u up" cos You are such a mental train wreck and gambling degenerate.

You should give up any idea of playing full time and go study or get a job. Play part time. That's the best advice anyone can ever give you about your poker. The path you are on is probably going to ruin your life. Hope you see sense and get out or barring run hot its most likely just make up/ financial ruin/ stunted growth /single town for you

I know we have clashed on here before but I was just being trolly, now I'm being serious. Think hard and Good luck


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Thanks your your kind words. As a person I have a very hard time setting myself apart from what I am doing, when I do bad at poker I do bad at life. It used to be the exact same thing but with my training. If I did bad one week I totally panicked out and immeaditly thought I was the worst in the world. I just have to work on that, I am quite a confident person but when I break down I do it big time.. I don't think I'm that bad and I have actually made quite alot of money the past months atleast by my own standards. I have come really ****ing far from where I started as a lousy degenerate and I should be very grateful for this oppurtunity
Forgot to add my french graph, did better on .fr for a while while I bricked on .eu.

Lol donkaments. I really hope poker is not your only form of income

Get a mental coach w ur poker coach. It'll help.

**** off you pathetic piece of ****, how come all of these ****ing ******ed idiots playing 2NL swarm around me. You are a ****ing loser and you probably haven't made a dime in your ****ing life playing poker and come here because your a miserable drooler
Thank you for the advice. Where can I look for one? Probably time to read The Mental Game of poker again aswell.


My problem lies outside of my playing, I feel really ****ing bad after a bad session. I am such a competetive person and I hate losing incredibly ****ing much, add do that that I swing like a madman. When I reach a certain threshold of being ''stuck'' it feels like I have a massive boulder on my shoulders that weighs me down. I hate that feeling, I hate it so ****ing much. It is what has driven me to improve, to never feel that feeling again. But I derail at times and has to go thorugh the fire again, to get back on track and come back stronger. Albeit it might sound like I'm incredibly depressed so isn't the case. I live a great life with a perfect gf and a ton of friends, I do great in school and by my own standards I have much money.

I am aware of the fact that I'm exposing myself unnecessarily much which some pathetic persons are trying to exploit. I could pretend to be someone else, someone that is as cool as the other side of the pillow. I could just post my wins and when I feel great, I could pretend that this isn't a game that doesn't suck your life lust out of you at times. If I had a different manner I would be praised and cheered on, but thats not really my purpose with this log. I'm doing this for myself, trying to vent my frustration and keep a journal of my feelings and results. In worst case it is probably funny to look back at in a couple of years when I'm a baller.

afaik both elliot roe & jared tendler are good. I'd recommend elliot, but i'm not really familiar with jared so I might be biased. Only have heard positive things about elliot. He also has a lot of good podcasts on his website (www.pokermindcoach.com ) with all kind of poker guests

Alrighty thanks! Will check that out for sure



Such a dissapointing day. Had several really good runs but no really good finshes. Busted a 3.3+R in 16th, was chipleader but I made such a bad call for half my stack on a QdJx7d board with AJ, literally at the same time I bust a 109 turbo when I 4bet jam A8dd into AK. I opened in the hijack to 2.1k from my 25k stack villain with a 54k stack makes it 5.9k, its three away from the money and I felt like he was just ****ing with me so I decided to shove. Felt like such a ****ing punt but now afterwards it feels like the right decision. That sucked unbearably much going from maximum hope to none in seconds. In pure dissapointment I smacked my wireless mouse against my laptop and it just died lol, so I somehow managed to break my computer as well which is a beat of its own. Ran deep in a 55 turbo 6max aswell and ended up in 20th place think I also placed 20th-ish earlier today in a 5.5 hyper so atleast its going the right way but still incredibly dissapointing and to be honest I had a massive mental breakdown after busting the 109 on the bubble basicly and the. 3.3R being commanding chip leader just a couple of hands before. Meh what can one do.

Back again, its funny how the bad times bring me back here. I didn't write anything when I shipped the Minuit Express,when I took 4th in the Big $162 or when I finished 2nd in a turbo PSKO. For some reason the negative stuff brings me back here, and I think the view of myself I give off is heavily biased and much worse than it actually is.

This period of playing has gone incredibly bad, and I feel miserable. I'm not even playing terribly, which I recognize myself doing when that happens - but if it so was for my life I am not able to hold during a deep run. Just plain impossible. I am tearing through my bankroll at a very fast rate and its becoming depressing. I hate it so ****ing much, being a loser. Being a winner it feels like you are on the top of the world, I feel like a ****ing genius (lol all i know is pushfoldcharts-geniusmuchlmao?) but being amidst a ****ing losing spree I feel like such a disgusting degenerate. Man I'm so negative, I have to write some kind of happy post when I bink a MTT soon.

just took a selfie
come in here and throw a tomato at me and laugh, I'm doing really ****ing bad lol

Its beyond sick I just keep losing and now I'm starting to tear through my life roll aswell. Whoever predicted that I'm going to go busto, man you are a ****ing psychic**** my life am I ****ing running bad. May god bless my soul. **** me

but first lemme take a selfie

I've been playing like a ****ing mad-man this entire week from 21-07 in the morning (14k hands since monday, is that a lot?), and it finally paid off in a $27 turbo PSKO win which I ran ridicilously well in; albeit well deserved considering how I've run lately.

I've dropped the primadonna style of not playing ''low stakes'' tournament, and I've played a lot more reg speeds with great results. I've stopped looking at the first prizes and just going for the value which is like poker 101 but it took great time - not to realize it but to actually implement it and drop my ego and actually sit down for 5 hours in a $11 reg for 3rd. I'm basicly playing every single tournament on the schedule at nights here in Sweden that isn't a micro. 11+R with 65 participants,? Bring it on. Reg speeds used to bore me to death but now they actually amuse me somehow.

I'm going to say (for the 611th time) that I'm going to be more active and I'll try to post more actual poker content instead of bitching and whining. I'm probably bashing heads regularly against many of you, Chani1995 is probably not that unfamiliar and I've probably punted off some stack at some time to you lol.

Online poker is dead []








Gave me a great head start in the $27 PSKO lol






Thawing in progress

Lol the fish photos are funny.

Does I grind this still offer coaching?

hehe

I think so, his thread isn't here anymore but probably yeah.

GRIND ON THE MIND LFG TODAY

This turned out to be a bigger sweat than I expected.

My sister came in, I shooed her away but some ****ing how I ****ING CLICKED CALL WTF AND NOW I AM 90% ****ING DONE FOR THE EPT ****ING MAIN

im going to PUKE

why cant i post imgs?