Sorry I've struggled to find the time to write recently! I'll get an update out soon

2024 Week 18

The backing deal I've been a part of for 5 years ended on Monday 4/29. Frankly, I had no idea it was coming. When I hung up the phone I felt hints of the crippling anxiety I hadn't experienced since I was a kid. One moment I was outside enjoying the 80+ degree day we were having here in New Jersey; the next I was out of a job with absolutely no plan given I had no clue this deal was ever in jeopardy of ending!

I walked around in a stupor the rest of the day. I'd planned on going to Borgata for their Spring Open the next day to play their $500 opener. Initially I was teetering on not going since it was the only good tournament there that week and it would be one of the smallest buy ins I'd played live in years. Could I even afford to play it now?? I hadn't thought about bankroll management in 5+ years!

Tuesday morning I got on the train to go home to get my mom's car, as was the plan. She's retired and is always willing to help because she's a sweetheart so she was going to let me use the car for the week. We got lunch and I told her about what was going on and she did really well to help me stop panicking. She suggested I go to AC but not worry about the poker. Just treat it like a vacation and try to calm down and figure out the next steps. The conversation triggered memories of her helping me when I was in crisis as a kid and reminded me I wouldn't have made it back then if I didn't have a mom like this who never gave up on me.

So I drove to Atlantic City and checked in to Harrah's, feeling like a fraud. I didn't belong there. All these years of using someone else's money to play poker and now that was gone in a snap and I was helpless. What the hell was I doing here??

They were out of my room type so they gave me an upgrade and the room was very nice. I looked out the window at Borgata and the bay and remembered when I used to come to AC all the time before being backed to play the small buy in tourneys and see if I had what it took to make a living playing poker. I called back on how the backing deal started in the first place; two guys thought I had potential to be great and started asking to back me in 2016. For 3 years I turned them down, wanting to prove I could do it by myself, before finally conceding in 2019 that I needed help if I really wanted to make this a viable career.

From very early on in the deal I realized what a mistake it was I hadn't started it earlier. I was proud and wanted to prove I could do it on my own, but if I'd started earlier I could've started making big strides much sooner. And now I was staring out the window wondering if I was "above" grinding smaller buy in MTTs. I felt like my world was collapsing because I knew I couldn't play 3k mtts on my own dime. But after being backed and coached for 5 years I was a) a MUCH better poker player, b) much more well off financially then when the deal started, and c) much more experienced and aware of how the poker world worked. That initial panic was understandable. A massive change had occurred with no warning that threw my plans for a loop out of nowhere. But it was also silly to panic. I had a wealth of knowledge and resources to call on. I was not the same person who didn't have any guidance before being backed; not even close.

So for most of Tuesday night and the first half of Wednesday I sat in my hotel room planning, writing, thinking, calculating, talking out loud to myself, anything to start to form a cohesive plan that would give me some guidance on what steps to take next. By Wednesday afternoon I had a solid outline of what my bankroll looked like, what my liferoll looked like, what my schedule *could* look like. I was still very anxious but now it took the form of a more excited nervous energy as opposed to the panicked anxiety I initially felt.

A sense of intense relief had also come over me. For the better part of the last 18 months I'd been chasing the dragon so to speak. I was playing bigger and bigger, both in mtts and cash games. I lost $50k+ in Las Vegas last summer and found myself in the red on the year at the end of SEPTEMBER. I proceeded to win 6 figures in October and November collectively and still ended with my lowest year of profit in quite some time. In November I was at Borgata, chopping the $600 opener for $54k. In December I flew to Vegas for 10 days, 7 of which I was deathly ill in bed, missing the tournament I flew out to play in the first place. This year I went to Borgata in January for 10 days, eventually coming 37th in a $5300 for $15k. In February I went to Maryland to play a live series, losing $8k, which ended with me stone bubbling a $3k in painful fashion. In March I went to Vegas and lost $10k live (with another soft bubble in the $3500 main) while winning $16k online. Why had I left New Jersey at all?? I lost $17k in cash in one day in early April. Ten days later, I won $27k in mtts in one day.

And what did I have to show for all this effort and heartbreak and anxiety and travelling and being away from Amy and eating unhealthy food and staying in hotels for weeks at a time and spending hour after hour after hour after hour after hour in casinos? $1497. I was up a grand in 4 months this year when I was dropped.

My backers had reached a point where another $50k loss in Vegas this summer was something they weren't going to feel comfortable swinging. And I genuinely had the best backers I think you could possibly hope for. At no point during any downswing, no matter how long or how big, was there even an OUNCE of pressure put on me to win. The focus was always the process. Keep improving, keep working hard, keep striving to be great and we couldn't care less how the results go. Well, we'd hit a point where they were going to feel the heat of a bad summer and they knew they couldn't continue to tell me that results didn't matter. So to Gags and Sean, I appreciate all the hard work you two put in which led to me becoming an INFINITELY better poker player than when I started working with you. I wish you nothing but the best in the future.

All good things must come to an end, and I probably should've ended this on my own a while back, but I couldn't shake the feeling that the big MTT score was right around the corner so I kept chasing it. I don't regret it and there are plenty of universes where the Borgata $5k, or the Maryland $3k, or the Vegas $3500 goes slightly differently and I hit that big six figure score. In some universes I go a day or two deeper in the 2021 or 2022 Main and make life changing money. But this wasn't one of them. I won't be results oriented about the big scores not coming, especially since there were a lot of big results along the way. 79th in the WSOP Main in 2021 for $81k. 112th in the WSOP Main in 2022 for $63k. Chop the Borgata $600 in 2023 for $54k. A $46k online score a month before that, and an entire page worth of 5 figure online scores on the P5s page to go with it. I didn't get rich from this deal, but I steadily built up an amount of money that led to me living very comfortably. It also gives me a chance to build on my own.

After I'd taken a step back and thought about all of this I realized that tournaments are ****ING CRAZY! When you're winning they're fun, but let's be honest, you're not winning all that often when you play these things, especially if a bulk of your volume comes in the live arena. It takes days to play ONE MTT. Over the course of my career I've seen a lot of what variance can do. I'll never forget running KK into AA when being 2/11 with 300k up top in a Borgata tourney in 2019. With a massive gap between myself and 3rd place, I got dealt the ultimate cooler vs the only person in the MTT who covered me. I felt like my tournament career was defined by these moments. In 2021 I got AK in vs AQ on day 6 of the WSOP Main and the board ran Q43KQ. Don't get me wrong, I ran hot in a lot of spots too, and for all I know I've actually ran above EV and I'm whining about not being rich now . But it always felt like I was so close to the big score, and if I just worked harder and put more volume in it was going to come.

So my first reaction to being dropped was panic that that was all over. It was unfinished. I hadn't hit the big one yet. I needed more time. But after hours and hours of combing through it all and putting in some deep reflection, an extreme wave of relief came over me. I didn't have to do that anymore. I didn't have to work and work and grind and grind and pray and hope that eventually the big one could come. I could play cash! Rather than spending all my time travelling all over the country trying to hit the big one, I could slowly build up my net worth by using a skill my backers had taught me near the end of 2020. And thank god they had. After the chaos that was MTTs for me in 2023, I'd barely profited on them for the calendar year, digging out of that 50k hole from the summer to finish in the black. But cash made up most of my profit on the year and kept it looking respectable.

For a couple months near the turn of the 2021 new year I'd grinded cash hard and it went well. I've never put all my energy and effort towards it though. I've always mixed in tourneys and felt the need to stay up late and wake up late and live that sort of lifestyle. My new plan was to focus on hands played and try to get in a routine and schedule that would allow me to be with the people I love more. After 9 years playing full time at all hours of the day, I now craved a taste of the more traditional 9-5 lifestyle! I set up a schedule and decided I'd start it on Monday and see how it felt.

But first was the $500 mtt at Borgata. I'd decided I'd play this tourney and that'd be it on the MTT front for a while. On Wednesday 5/1 I played a bullet, completely resigned to the fact that I was going to lose. I sat down and got 66 in on 876 vs a BB defend. He xr'ed my flop bet then called my shove for quite a bit more with 64o. Turn was a 5 and I kinda smiled at the fact that I wouldn't have to do this anymore. MTTs are SO soft but you can run bad in them for so so so so long and I think I realized I was just tired of it. River was a 7 so I doubled but later got AK in vs KK to bust.

The next day I played 2 bullets, busting the first with TT<QQ before max late regging the last bullet. At all 3 of my tables people were happy to be there and playing poker. It made me feel really good to see people enjoying the game. It reminded me how long it'd been since I'd played these lower stakes tourneys at Borgata. The third bullet went well and I bagged 521k from 100k to head to day 2 and the 8k/16k level.

I sat down to day 2 and the guy to my right said "hey I follow you on Twitter, it's good to meet you and thanks for all the insights you provide." I'm not sure exactly what insights he's talking about but it was really nice to hear that. I again flashed back to before I was backed when I'd look at the day 2 assignments and get excited when I saw someone I knew from the blogs or whatever. I'd do the same thing, introduce myself and fanboy a bit. We talked for a while and I really enjoyed myself while I was there. It felt like a nice way to say a temporary goodbye to the Borgata and casinos in general. I'll certainly be back at some point but I'm extremely excited about putting all my energy and focus into the online cash grind and spending more time with my loved ones. I busted the tourney a little before the money and drove home ready to start on my plan.

Weekly Results

Meditation 7, Walk 7, Soda 0
Studied 20, Played 22.25, Coached 0, Total 42.25

Through all the turmoil I managed to meditate each day and walk each day. Those meditations have led to me being able to handle anything life throws at me. I credit them for keeping me sane through every twist and turn I endure.

Hah welcome to the cash grind. Live tournies are fun but the hourly is deceptively low after factoring in travel time. Plus, it's hard to beat playing in underwear while watching Netflix for $60+/hr

Another thing I'm realizing is I feel so much more "stable" at the moment. The stress of planning a Vegas trip in the summer has been replaced with the realization that I get to spend my favorite time of year in Hoboken rather than in the desert. Instead of spending my entire birthday playing the $1500 6 max and busting at 11pm PT, I'll be at a restaurant or bar with the people closest to me, with 75-80 degree weather and a breeze, instead of 110 in an oven. It's slightly less exciting, but WAY more enjoyable, relaxing, and stress free.

+1 Hoboken is beautiful this time of year

Crazy turn of events. I think you're going to find it's a lot less stressful playing for yourself than for someone else. I don't know how you are, but the mental burden of playing with someone else's $$ was always higher for me.

What buyins for cash do you think you'll play? How will that hourly compare to splitting profits with a backer?

Yeah I think you might be right! I'll be playing the same stakes I always have given the main perk of the backing was being able to play tournaments I wasn't otherwise able to afford. I've got no idea what the hourly will look like since I've always had a foot in both camps when it came to cash vs MTTs, so I'll just have to put in a bunch of volume and see!

Huge news! Always enjoyed reading along and sweating your tournament runs but wishing you nothing but the best in this next phase of your career.
If you ever sit interesting live cash games I’d be up for reading about them. I don’t get to play a lot but live cash is my favourite and living vicariously through the stories of those who do it best - especially those who are able to write about them so well - is something I really enjoy!

Do you have any intentions of getting out to the WSOP at all this year still, or not at all? If you sattied to the main would you go out and play?

gags confirmed busto

Tournaments certainly aren't going to be gone forever for me, but I'm really enjoying this break to focus on cash. There's certainly a high chance I go to Vegas just to play the Main and play cash on my off days or if I bust early, so I might take you up on that!

2024 Week 19

A week behind schedule on this thread but I'll catch up eventually.

I started the week of 5/6 nervous but excited to start to put my plan into action. The goal was at least 10k hands/week to ensure 40k+ hands during the month of May. That was the number that made me feel like I could make a good living consistently so long as my winrate was around what I thought it was. The only way to be sure I could play a lot of volume *and* maintain the winrate I had when being more selective with my games was to put the plan into action and play a lot of hands!

The plan was to play 4 full days and 2 half days each week, similar to what I've been doing all year. The focus now, however, would be playing 2000 hands on the full days and 1000 hands on the half days, which would replace the former goal of 8 hours of work per full day and 4 hours per half day. At first I decided to do both, keeping those 8 hours per full day and 4 hours per half day with the hand count goal in mind. I was under the impression that I was going to need to play around 6 hours per day to get those 2k hands in, so I'd study 2 hours per day as well, breaking each full day into 2 blocks of [1 hour study, 3 hours play]. But after playing 5:15 on Monday I was over 2800 hands and pleasantly surprised with how much less time (or less tables) I'd need to play to hit my goals.

Tuesday I played 5 hours and got over 2400 hands. Wednesday I hit 2k hands in just over 4 hours. Thursday was the same, but by the time I was done Thursday I was absolutely exhausted. I'd been waking up around 7am when Amy left for work and going to bed at 11pm. The routine was great, but I wasn't actually falling asleep until 12:30-1:00, and the combination of getting 6 hours of sleep (I'm used to 8) and then playing an intense 4-5 hours of poker each day had caught up to me. I realized that going forward sleep was going to need to be a priority and it was going to be important I force myself to stay in bed later than 7am (or really fall asleep at 11pm).

After a big winning day on Thursday I had a big losing day Friday, my first half day of the week. My entire focus and all of my attention was on hand count and effort though, so the 1275 hands I got in Friday still counted as a win for me.

That night I went with Amy to visit her friend and her friend's husband in Long Island. They're a ton of fun to hang out with but it's always been really hard to get away during the weekend since I need to stay home to play tournaments. Saturday morning I woke up, took the train home to where I grew up, visited my parents for a while, then drove to see a close friend of mine who again, I hadn't seen in too long due to not being able to take time off. She has two young children and I really clicked with the 3 year old, who I'd met a few times before but never in a one on one kinda situation like that. I picked up one of her toys with my toes and acted like a monkey and apparently a few days later she did the same thing and told her mom, "look, just like Uncle Dan!"

I think getting that text from my friend was the moment I realized how valuable the end of the backing deal might prove to be, not just from a financial perspective, but from a freedom perspective. Again, my backers were incredible and never put any pressure on me to play, but I put a ton of pressure on myself. I understood what an amazing deal I had with them and was completely focused on getting the volume necessary in tournaments to make a ton of money before the deal ended. Even when I took nights off, a part of me felt like I should be playing the random circuit event that was going on online that night, or I should've flown to Florida to play the WPT, or I should've been taking shots at the highest stakes cash games since my bankroll could handle it given I had a bunch of "free shots" at tournaments at my disposal at all times.

I haven't felt that pressure to play since the deal ended because I'm playing my volume during the day then taking my time off at night and on the weekends. You know, like a normal person. For the first time in a long time I'm completely relaxing, guilt free, because I know I've done my job. It's possible I decide the games are way better at night than they are during the day and I start to shift back to more of a nighttime grind. But even then I think I'll still be able to have my weekends free. This will all be a feeling out process but it's been so exciting this first couple weeks to see that not only can I still do this for a living, I might now have a healthier lifestyle going because of it.

Sunday I visited with my mom for Mother's Day then took the train home to get my last 1k hands in. I played the 1k hands and 1 tabled a $100 PKO Stars was having. I couldn't help myself; the Stars chest I'd just opened gave me a $100 ticket instead of cash and the guarantee on this thing was a wild 125k. I was still in when I'd finished my cash hands so I switched to the ipad and went to hang out with Amy on the couch. I mincashed around 11:30 then went to bed with Amy, happy with how the week had gone.

Weekly Results

Meditation 7, Walk 7, Soda 0
Studied 12.75, Played 25.25, Coached 0, Total 38

Finished the week with 11,686 hands played, well above what I was aiming for. I imagine I'll be around 40 hours each week but I'm not committed to hitting that number exact anymore, so long as I get my 2k hands in on full days and 1k hands in on half days. I was able to finish before 7pm each day during the week to spend the rest of the night with Amy or with friends which was great. Getting 8 hours in before 7 is a pretty tough task but I've been getting close given I'm waking up so much earlier. I started writing this post at 9am today; I'll probably play session #1 when I'm done until around 12:30-1:00pm, grab some lunch and go on a walk, come home and relax for an hour, then play session #2 with the hopes of being done before 7. So I do get close to 8 hours despite not putting in any time at night. The schedule has been great so far and I'll continue to monitor whether I think a move to night sessions would be way better for my bottom line. If it's close or even just a little more profitable, I'll most likely stick to this current schedule.

2024 Week 20

Another week of getting in the volume and learning more about what the cash game grind looks like. It's been fun putting my full attention and effort into cash without tournaments to distract me. After 10,390 hands this week (5/13-5/19) I'm at 28k hands in 19 days, just a few thousand hands off my highest volume month ever. That record will go down early into week 21 as I continue to play my 10k+ hands per week, completely focused on putting in the volume and improving at the game.

I started playing 5/10 again this week. While I was backed for MTTs, I'd played all the stakes offered online in NJ (up to 25/50), with most of my volume coming at 2/5. 5/10 and 10/20 felt comfortable to me, and I'd shot take 25/50 when the game looked good and I felt good. I was much more willing to aggressively hunt games when I was backed for tournaments since a huge score could always be around the corner; losing a bunch in cash would hurt me less financially given I had a free way of potentially securing a big bink at all times. Now that bankroll management is much more of a concern for me, I wanted to slowly ease into the bigger games to avoid getting discouraged. The original plan was to only play 1/2 and 2/5 all of May, but they'd gone well enough and I felt comfortable enough the first 2 weeks that I decided to fast track it a bit and start to get in good 5/10 games this week. I have milestones in my head that I want to hit before moving up again, but knowing me I might see a good 10/20 and say screw it, so I'll hold off on rigidly defining any of those targets for now.

The literal second hand of 5/10 I was dealt this month I 3b squeezed JJ with a fish in between then got it in on 7665, only to get stacked by a reg's AA who'd flatted the 3b. If anything I was almost happy that happened because I got to see how little it affected me emotionally. I've already played these stakes and swung much bigger in the past; the fact that MTTs weren't backed anymore wasn't going to magically make me prone to being more emotional during swings. If anything it might be the opposite; knowing the swings of MTTs are not something I'll have to contend with if I don't want to puts me more at ease when I lose at cash because I have the confidence that it'll swing back to the positives MUCH more quickly than tournaments ever did.

I'm noticing that stretches of hands that would take days to play out in the past now take just a few hours. Getting 2000 hands in from 10am-6pm sees me swinging 5-6 buy ins each way a couple times a day. Before being on my own I'd play way less volume and sit with the results longer, feeling good about winning or bad about losing, which was silly given how small the samples were that I was focused on. I think I've got a much healthier balance going now. I realize simultaneously that one big hand won't define my session, but it's important to stay focused every hand and not get sloppy and lose a buy in when it's not necessary.

I think my brain is built for this and I'm really excited about continuing to put the work in.

Weekly Results

Meditation 6, Walk 7, Soda 0
Studied 13.5, Played 23, Coached 0, Total 36.5

I finally missed a day of meditation! First one since the end of January. On Friday night I went to a friend's house about an hour away and had a great time catching up. The five of us were up til like 4am and by the time I got back to my place the next day (around 2pm) I was exhausted. Amy and I watched shows til about 7pm at which point I felt sick and had to sleep. I woke up at like 6am the next day and realized I hadn't gotten the meditation in! No worries, just time to start a new streak.

Putting the 10k hands in will naturally get me near 40 hours per week but again, that isn't a strict goal anymore. As time goes on I may decide to start doing some work after 7pm but for now I've been reserving that as time off. Getting 10k+ hands and nearly 40 hours in each week without using any of those primetime hours is pretty impressive imo. Maybe in the future I'll put some later hours in but I'd really like to keep some sort of a schedule down as far as not going to bed super late goes; it's definitely way healthier for me. So potentially a session during the day then a session 9pm-12am or something could be an option later on. For now I think I'll stick to the schedule I've been on for the entirety of May.