Yeah I just keep sunday as my mtt day, usually playing together with a friend and splitting everything 50/50. I see them as entertainment and do like playing them, just expect to lose everything I put into them but ofcourse hope to bink one

Ok so I withdrawed again. I had to. ofcourse it sucks but it is what it is. Yesterday I played a bit of all stakes finishing the day around $40 profit but I noticed I wasn't playing comfortable at 25z simply because my current balance on my account is too low for that (yesterday I was playing terrible in general ).

So I came up with a plan I'm pretty excited about. To give my bankroll a boost I will grind 20k hands in 4 days in the NL16z pool and my goal is to win atleast 20 buy ins. Ofcourse in reality this is not how poker works, you can run bad, make mistakes etc. But I don't care to be honest. I just like to pressure myself in ways like this. I will try to play 5k hands a day and I will give you guys daily updates.

Lately it's going slightly better with my "fatigue problems". Partly to "Lockerl71" and "Nana_korobi_ya_oki", so thanks . I think eating plays a huge roll in it. I'm now tryna eat a **** load of food in the morning/begin afternoon and then I just eat small snacks during the day untill after I'm done with being productive for the day. I also consume more coffee (indeed controversial haha). I think I will order some sort of weight gainer because I'm experiencing trouble consuming so many calories in the morning.

Back to poker, because it's going better energywise I think on monday I will start with being very structured again (running, meditating, scheduling sessions) and I will play 25z only. It's about time I'm gonna rise in stakes again and keep challenging myself instead of making around $1k/1.5k monthly and make it myself too easy. In 10NL-25NL there are tons of ABC regs. I keep making adjustments to exploit them. I'm looking forward to play more balanced regs. It will become a big challenge to start making exploits on these guys.

I'm really looking forward on this 20k hands challenge. I don't find the 16NL pool very challenging but 20k hands sure is. I will go for a run. Eat as much as I can, chill for a bit (maybe some studying) and then the grind starts.

GLGL

Edit: " I don't find the 16NL pool very challenging" Inb4 I lose over the 20k hands of the challenge :P:P

GL! Will be seeing you a lot then hehe, I really like the 16nl pool because everyone is sooo spewy there

Day 1/4





Stacks: 3.5/20
Stacks in ev: 7/20
Hands: 4k/20k

Some serious button clicking yesterday. My focus was absolutely terrible. My hudstats were really confronting everytime I finished a session. At 10:30 PM I decided to go for a run and after that my focus became better. The luck wasn't on my side (see ev-line) but I started to play well.

Already over 1/3rd in ev! And quit calling me with 63o T5o etc u fish

Hahahaha Stop 4betting FFS

Haha I had it a lot against u, also saw u 4bet very rarely in the sample I had of u. 4b bluffed too much earlier and now overadjusting to the nitty side?

Day 2/4



Total results of this mini challenge:



Stacks: 10.5/20
Stacks in ev: 13/20
Hands: 6.3k/20k

Yesterday I was pretty tired because I slept terrible the night before. Because of this I wasn't able to put in a lot of hands. Preflop I'm still very undisciplined, I'm playing way too many hands, I'm 3/4betting wayyy too much etc. I don't mind it that much but at some point I think it's time to start being disciplined again with my preflop game. Postflop I think I played well, I'm still a bit too spewy and try to make to many fancy plays but again I think I played solid postflop.

Very nice man I wish my graphs looked like that cuz my redline still looks like a scared biatches redline haha

subbed

Just finished playing like 5 minute ago. I thought it would be a good idea to go on an absolute monkeytilt. I'm really dissapointed in myself. Since the start of this blog this is the 3rd time it happened I think. I'm pretty embarrassed about it so I thought I might as well post this right away. I'm overconfident in my poker abilities so it's good to face some reality sometimes but I would prefer a cheaper way haha. It's weird but I don't even feel that **** about it actually. But this just can't keep happening. If I didn't have to withdraw I would be playing NL50z rn. Things like this just keep delaying the process. But I rather have it happening here then there so I might aswell right now try to work on it from preventing it happening again.

Peace

When you tilt, how does it happen? Do you keep just rebuying on the same stake and going all-in with shitty hands?

Damn man explain a bit yeah, just quit immediately if you feel like tilted in the slightest.
If you can fix this you will crush the higher stakes ez

Have you read "The mental game of poker"?

Here is the graph of the mini challenge:



My bankroll still needs a boost. I'll come up with something similliar in the following days.

Well, I guess it's something that was buillding up in the days before this tilt. I'm playing awfull. Preflop I'm a complete mess (allthough I know my pf ranges like the back of my hand). I'm playing wayyyy too agro and calling down way too much. Although I was winning like 16.5bb/100h I was already noticing it. Yesterday I started playing terrible aswell but this time I kept missing the boards (mostly in spots I shouldn't even be in tbh) and kept getting coolered and I started playing more and more careless. It's not that I'm open jamming 27o but if UTG 4bets me I won't be able to fold the 55's for example. I started getting more and more frustrated and started whining more about running bad (I don't want to complain about it but holy f*ck I ran terrible). I kept playing more and more careless and calling down lighter and lighter and this was the result: -$180 in one session.

I tried to explain a bit in the comment above.

I will start reading it right now. Yesterday was a nice wake up call.

did you consider joining a stable?

that would address several issues you actually have:

- your withdrawals will not hinder you from moving up in stakes (they will move you up when u are ready according to your stats)
- you will play more responsible / not go on monkey tilt that easily (now its "just" your own money, if you play with their money / rules that will likely hinder you from tilting off)
- you get regular coaching (min. 2h per week), that you cant afford with your roll now

I have tilted off min. five 10-30k rolls in my life, only after having sole custody for my son and sharing my poker results almost daily with him (when he was 14, and he is cheap af ... hmm mbe I should make a parental test even when he looks like cut after me :P), anyway since that it never happened to me again in over 4 years now.

still, downswings had mentally hit me hard on my own roll, cause I had to move down to micros again and every bad beat on a ft literally crushed my life. since i play for a stable all these issues are gone and I move up in stakes almost every 3 months (playing 55s - 215s regularly).

Stick to your ranges preflop and only adjust slightly from them according to villains. Postflop I have no idea what crazy stuff you always do so do your thing there I guess but ofcourse don't go too crazy haha

I would suggest reducing your volume and investing in a copy of The Mental Game of Poker, and working very seriously with that book. It will help you to come to terms with and better understand the underlying reasons for why you have these severe tilt issues, and also give you some plans and strategies to gradually work through your problems and re-calibrate your misguided thought processes. There is no path to success unless you massively strengthen your mental-game.

Good luck.

Thanks for your advice. I will reconsider it when I'm starting to hit a brickwall skillwise. The thing is, I don't want to not tilt because it's someone else's money. I just don't want to tilt because I can handle variance and can deal with frustrating moments in poker.

Haha yes time to be disciplined again.

Mental game in poker can be as tough as stoke city away on a rainy tuesday. I will start with that book today.

Cheers for your advice mate!

Personal post:

So I'm really messing things up lately. I'm very depressed again and I walk around pretty "numb" I would say. I feel like I'm not being myself lately. I'm developing some sort of social anxiety where I'm experiencing trouble going outside my house. I'm feeling very uncomfortable when I do so I go either go in the morning or the evening outside my house or not at all. I've got a bunch of good friends that visit me off and on but this usually only makes me feel worse. For example when they tell me about recent fun experiences they had, I'm obviously happy for them, but it makes me feel like a bigger ghost than I already am. It makes me feel lifeless. Have I done something fun in the last couple of months? Btw this was also on Saturday the case. No wonder I tilted away my br afterwards. Although my friends try to be there for me. I feel very misunderstood by them. As someone who is being diagnosed with add and Intellectual giftedness (So trapped in my own world and "I guess smart in a weird way") I feel very misunderstood my whole life (maybe some people can relate).

Lately I'm slowly accepting being a depressed loner instead of fighting to become stronger. I'm acting very lazy. Things like going for a run or going grocery shopping is a big effort for me (or at least that's how it feels like). I'm starting to wonder lately if poker is the right thing for me. Being at home clicking buttons. + with my focus and tilt issues. I don't think depression and poker is a great combination.

Today was terrible day, I woke up pretty **** (like every day recently) and I'm being very slow during the day. I played some poker but I played in a way without using my brain (so basically button clicking) with some sort of self-pity attitude like: "Ooh can't focus anyway so why should I care". I had some other things planned like recording my first cover (I'm still playing guitar + I can sing for a tiny bit), going for a run and study poker but I end up doing very little. I found myself in bed at 7:00 PM with very negative thoughts. I didn't eat very well and didn't shower so I decided to make some food and jump in the shower.

While in the shower I was thinking things through. Like: how am I going to get out of this? Will it be worth it? Do I have any reason to live?
Obviously it's very hard to think of sunshine when you feel so bad but I decided it's time to get myself together (for the 47th time). I have so much to live for.

For me there are two key things:
1. Motivation
2. Structure
It’s time to become stronger again. I've made some sort of schedule and things to do on a daily basis right away. I will also study/play 50%/50% for now. No more excuses of like: “I will start studying when people start beating me”. I will start treading my poker like a professional again.

While thinking it through I was also thinking at the positive side of poker. I’m so close to making a decent living, I can almost smell it. I just need to keep working hard (probably harder) and be a bit more patient. In April (my 3rd month of playing cashgames)1. while being a complete fish 2. I’ve tilted 3. only played 15 days of decent focused poker, I’ve made $1.1k profit. What do you mean poker is not the right thing for me? By working hard I can tackle those focus issues. By becoming a mental boss, I don’t only become a better poker player. But I become a better human being.

Time to start working hard again! To be continued…..

You really need to look at life more positively, I've exactly felt the same way in the past too. I'm not diagnosed with anything but I've always thought my whole life that I had some sort of intellectual giftedness as well

You have great friends, you're very good at poker if you can fix your tilt issues. Hopefully you can also somehow fix the focus issue. If you can manage all this you'll be able to comfortably live off poker in 6-12 months imo

And also keep studying yeah, never think you're the best in the pool even though you may be the best. Always do everything to keep improving because you'll ofcourse need that to keep moving up the stakes

Say only positive things to yourself multiple times a day like: my friends love me, I'm very good at poker, I'm going to be a huge poker pro soon, my life is great. If you keep repeating this stuff multiple times every day your brain eventually will start thinking this way naturally

Keep your head up and keep crushing bro!

Edit: also because of covid everyone is somewhat forced to be much more of a loner, **** made me a bit depressed too last year. It's no shame especially if you are working hard to become a poker pro, it's not something people look down upon (some maybe do but *** m), most people actually thing it's insanely dope if you can make loads of money playings cards from your home

So this is some sort of follow-up to my last post.

This blog is getting way too personal btw but yeah it is what it is. Posting this anonymously helps a bit in a way.

So I'm still not feeling great but at least way better compared to last couple of weeks. I'm trying to live a sort of structured lifestyle again, and just go from there. At least I'm trying to fight again which will result in better days I hope.

Back to poker:

So I came to the conclusion that the in the last 30 days of poker I've been ****ing up a bit. I wasn't really learning a lot like in the previous month. I've been withdrawing too much (also unnecessary withdrawals just to because I was scared to lose it all I guess)which resulted in me playing lower stakes than I should have played or using ridiculous bankroll management. I returned to old bad habits like 4tabling zoom (I just can't do this, 3 or 4 tables makes a major difference to me), tilting and freestyling pre flop. In the month of May I've currently made around $250 profit. If you take in consideration I received $200 in rb I made $50 on the tables. And ofcourse variance plays a huge roll in poker but that has nothing to do with it. I'm just playing terrible.

Yesterday I started studying and my plan (which I schedule daily) is to study atleast 50% of my poker time. I currently started of with IP vs OOP srp (BTN vs BB mainly) starting to learn theory of frequencies and bet sizes. Ones I went through all sorts of boards I will start implementing this in my game. Allthough my confidence is dropping everyday by studying (because of how little I actually know and what kind of a fish I'm actually) I'm still pretty confident on my turn and river strategies. So for now starting with flops and going from there seems perfect.

I currently have 23bi for 25NL(z) on my account. I've already played 20k hands in April in this pool. So my plan is to grind 30k hands (no idea how long this is gonna take) and see how I'm doing it and also comparing it to my data in April. If I'm still beating it close to the winrate in April I'll finally move up to 50z.

Goals for the following weeks:
2k hands a day
Have a better theory understanding OTF to implement into your game (very vague haha)
Finish the book "the mental game of poker"
Keep being disciplined (also a very vague goal haha whatever)

Also in order to be less result oriented I will try to not post daily results. I will post results like ones a week or after an X-amount of hands.

Thank you for reading

PS: I told some rl friends at 10k views I would share this blog (I was a bit embarrassed to share opening up about my depression). So hello if you are reading this.

Exercise helps tremendously to sharpen your mind, but also it works like a shield against tilt.

And that advice about getting staked. Yes, it might help. But from my personal experience, if you don't like authorities and you don't like somebody telling you what to do and how much you have to play and basically, you will have to send your backer a lot of your profit.

I might be biased, but I wasn't in a good stables and that might why I am so pissed.

Anyway, you might find the good stable. And it will speed up your progress tremendously.

About depression, I totally get you. I was there too. And it might come back. Usually it means, that something is wrong in our lives. And during depression we got time to think deeply about everything. Yes, it will be mostly dark thoughts, but I still believe, that it depression comes for a reason.

Anyway, glgl on your journey.

1. Yikessss
2. I was pretty sticky with my JJ because villain is a Swedish spewer. Blocking JTc(c) is not ideal, because you block a lot of draws/semi bluffs. But on the otherhand, OTR makes it more likely he is on some Qx. Which made me more inclined to bluff river on Ax (except for Ax of clubs). He could still wake up with AcXc and hero me OTR. Pretty weird hand, against someone who XRaises a little to much a fold OTT would probably be the best play with my blockers IMO. Edit: I had very little timebank that's why the sizing is a bit awkward. I think jamming river is the best play because you give AxWK of clubs a very hard time calling. I wasn't really thinking about running into 9x because with a non club A this guy would triple barrel it high freq%.

Thoughts?

55 4x pre, bet flop urself imo, as played fine
JJ I prolly x back river but if you turn your hand into a bluff probably shove, you win against his missed draws and indeed if he had AXcc or maybe AXss he'll call this sizing, also don't think that many people would xr a Q on this flop

subbed man! GL