GL with the 500 gamesz!!

thanks mate, played a bit of sample (like 12k hands, barely on ps) and it's going well. But now I decided to wait until my roll is better, it's just I still feel sensible to variance when I play it. I'm not really scared money but I just feel bad losing $2k in an hour and I want to avoid this. Last couple days I just sat down if there was a good seat at 500, and after dropping like 1 or 2 buy ins I take the L and sit out. I will continue doing this but won't force it. If I start doing stupid things I will self exclude (now self-exlude is at NL600>).

A new beginning

I've finally managed to "fix" my sleeping schedule. It was quite the struggle because of my mental problems. Especially when it was "survival time" (so moment I need sleep but try to extend staying awake to fix schedule) I often got very anxious/stressed and I just tried to avoid that by going to sleep. Since 2 months I'm really struggling mainly with heavy stress (overthinking, creating non-existing problems in my head etc.). some days it's alright. Some days I can barely deal with it and all I want to do is give up on everything to the point where there is nothing left anymore to care about.

Together with the struggles mentioned above recently I've been feeling very depressed and down. More and more isolated, not being happy with myself. Living unhealthy and skipping all habits I was working on for extended period of time (meditating, exercising, journaling etc.). It was such a contrast with like 2 month ago when I was doing good. One thing that didn't help was that my roommate went back home. We got along well and I was enjoying living with another poker player. Just nice to chat some **** and grab a beer after a long grind. Or to have someone to tell me let's get tf out of the house and go to the city. We found an apartment here in Vienna, and like 1.5 week before we went in he told me he was going home - right before signing the contract - because of financial struggles (was directed by his cfp to take agro shots and was in make up big time). Now I had 10 days to find something for myself and this was a very stressful period in which the most struggles that already started (because was already feeling less good) worsened. I ended up find a decent apartment (in which I'm settled now) but since I miss my friends and family so much I really starting to ask myself "what's the point sitting here alone, I rather give up on all of this and live with a friend in Amsterdam....".

But now the day has arrived. I finally woke up early after a good night of sleep and I feel the strength to get myself together. I will slowly build up some habits again, live healthy and try to make the best of it. Because I"m only allowed to complain about not liking it here if I actually tried to build up a social life. And the last 3 weeks I haven't done **** to do this, and so it"s up to me to make the best of it. I will start going to the gym and try to take this serious for an extending period of time. Also some of my friends will visit here in 2 weeks so that's gonna be a lot of fun. I know I can't change 100 things at once and I have to take things step by step but I also have plans to focus on something else besides poker, it doesn't have to be a career path but something that is fulfilling. Recently I started to become more interested in psychology and on not even a deep level I'm a complete fish to this topic. And maybe I just start with reading some books on this topic. Also I enjoy writing. For a while I'm thinking about doing a course.

This is matching with the next thing I want to mention. In poker I'm looking for too much "inner gratification" (idk if this is the right word in English, but I hope what I say makes sense). I give too little about actual ev and too much about being the toughest reg on earth. There is too much urge to proof and challenge myself. I will go deeper on this in a later post, why I have this so much. But in short all my life I've been a massive underachiever. I never tried anything and I was always lazy and afraid to fail. I pretended to be somewhat above average intelligent but besides decent general knowledge and strong in debating random subjects I have nothing to back this up. And I was desperate to change my perception about seeing myself as someone "who can't do anything". I know this is deep, but during this journey it has decreased. But there is still an uncontrollable hunger to decrease this believe even more. Also after actually trying something, I started second guessing if I'm really that intelligent as I thought. And I like the idea that I'm nothing special. Now I have this "seeking for inner gratification" mindset since the beginning of this journey and it's not all negative. For example it allowed me to find working hard easy - prime example studying. I've developed a skill in which I can make money comfortably for the next few years (and if I can keep consistently working hard it can be more than this). But now it's time for a more professional mindset.

A fellow poker player and friend of mine "Basmatillio" mentioned this concept for the first time recently. He mentioned that he is seeking other things in life to face this competitive drive. Poker itself it's challenging enough; like stress management, emotionally but also develop a skill set in which you can compete in strong line ups. And this drive to fulfill something in yourself can (not always the case) be something that is not inline with a professional approach. Like for example table selection instead of reg battling. Or not making a gangstercall soulread just to show "I'm thinking deeper than you" while in fact there is a big change I just got lucky he found that one bluff.
Also in the podcast of JNandez which I listened for a bit this morning it was mentioned. The difference between me and Jnandez is that I'm not at the point of self-acceptance. In fact, I found acceptance in not having acceptance. But I just have to find "this" somewhere else than in poker. The gym is a good starting point, and learning something complicated (like psychology or other things I"m interested in) as well. I can't change the mindset overnight of-course, but awareness is step one.

Great you are getting your routine back and hopefully with it contentment in life, I think eventually self acceptance isn't based on anything external, so trying to find other areas to base it on wont work The competition element can certainly work for those areas yea Although for me I'm very competitive at the gym but then not in poker (only recently found out why) For poker I think it would be smart to not challenge yourself when you aren't totally stable, I think you are still working towards that so I'm wondering why you think its a good idea to play 500nl? I'm way more on the safe side so I would focus on mental health now and move up later. But maybe this is cuss I'm not as competitive in poker. Think you put a lot of pressure on yourself by trying to fix every area of life at once, then burn out and burn some of your br with it

new strategy lads, just go complaining and desperately looking for sympathy mode (lOoK iM RUnING wORsE tHAn Uuu) rather than punting the roll away. Just a casual morning session getting rekt everywhere

WTF IS GOING ON LAST COUPLE DAYS??????




This was the icing on the cake... I play my usual style but this time it's 45wwsf :/ Like what's the point type feeling....

Ok complaining over, now I go do something else, bye

f

This is how it ends for today. In the end started spewing a little. But yeah it happens. Last month with the tiltsess included (which I should include) I was -$13.5k at some point and I ended the month +$2k. And this month it's starting again ffs, now -$3k for the month and I really want to experience less stress with this poker stuff.... So best to take a couple days off and restart fresh.Might even play some 100nl for couple of days... Roll is still looking good for nl200 tho + have some money on the side for next 2/3 months so it's not the end of the world but in the moment I feel the insecurity of my play (which makes sense because since a month im playing awful) developing, which is forcing me to play more theory oriented in times like this because I lose my sanity with every bluff getting called) or that poker is dryed up etc. Obv being biased because of runbad.

Besides poker being a bitch, rest of life is going well and I feel good and pretty happy. I wanted to make a post about it (but I dont want to make a post about every mindset switch otherwise I would be posting everyday) but I managed to zoom out a little and seeing wtf I was doing. Just too obsessed with this shitgame. So yeah if you see me in 2033 still playing 200nl being a fishreg you can assume I made the right decision. Because I love poker, but I'm being too focused on it for the wrong reason like I wrote about in some post above. And just feeling alive grinding a couple hours a day makes me happy atm.

ps. This doesnt mean I should stop opening PIO like I did for last 5 weeks, because I'm just clicking buttons with 0 thought process and I need some food for my brain ingame (apparently not disciplined enough to think deeply about ranges ingame)

Get back to being curious about the game. Kinda a **** advice because not very specific. Put thing in perspective. Sure a year ago you would have loved to be in a position to loose that type of bread and still be able to say. Life is going well and I feel good and happy.

This +1000

yo Skullkid I appreciate your input. I agree man I'm slacking on this part. Always when I stop opening pio for a while first it does something positive. I give myself time to implement certain stuff and it gives me a bit of confidence boost (depending on the run obv). But afterwards there are no "rules" anymore how I play. I deviate harder and harder and my game is becoming more and more ****. Also to keep my sanity in this game I need to keep learning new things so I can have other things to focus on besides variance + have food for my brain ingame. My autopilot is absolute spew (in a negative way) and implementing new learned stuff is forcing me to think.

I read your comment a couple days ago but I really struggle to get started opening pio. My motivation for poker is at an all time low. I will try to atleast review a couple hands everyday and try to get a routine going again.

Do you need more material to maybe get ideas or direction from?

Did you end up looking into any sort of coaching?


FWIW we out here rooting for you dawg, no sweat

for me when my motivation for poker is low I just focus on other things more and then naturally I feel like I want to play again. Maybe doesn't work as much when being a real pro but at the same time forcing yourself to love the game isn't the healthiest either. For me it helps when I have other things going which create some positive momentum (things you actually have full control over) and then I feel like it also effects poker positively.

Yo thanks for your comment Swerbs, yes sometimes some material can help me get things started again and current situation might suit it well. I have some untouched material which can be very valuable but I'm procrastinating it hard to get started. Atleast I started with reviewing some hands again on a daily basis so hopefully I can go from there.

Yes I still look for some coaching. But not 1on1 coaching for $/h. Not because I think it's not worth it but for my current situation it doesn't suit me very well (not that I don't have infinite things to learn). The idea of someone being invested in me (so coaching for profit) and looking over my shoulder is something I"m looking for. Someone to tell me I'm a ****ing idiot when I level myself too hard like a funplayer and/or spew too hard. Private cfp or something type thing. I'm sometimes in contact with people but never found anything that suited both parties. I even messaged some hs reg ingame the other day but we didn't come to a partnership.

Thanks mate, I wish you gl aswell

I see what you mean. But it's my job. And right now I'm just a funplayer (eventhough my results on 200&100 are fine). For me a lack of motivation doesn't project itself on volume. I can still play and I (not always) enjoy playing. But I need a routine going again. This means not play hu/6maxzoom/regtables/stakes depending on mood/playing games Im barely winning type approach. Also my mental game relies on willpower. I know this is bad, but it is what it is atm.... And if I don't give a **** about it its so easy to get back into old habits. For this to work I need to get some sort of routine going which includes habits, studying and playing 1 stake (which will be nl200 multisite) and sticking to it. This week I'm trying to get started but I'm struggling. The longer I play this game the more I realize it's all about consistency and thats the thing I"m struggling so much with.

About focusing on other things to create positive momentum I agree. Recently I started going to the gym and atleast with this I somehow have some momentum going. And it's good to have something to focus on with slightly more linear progress.

Sounds like you need a good break. Have you been on holiday recently?

Hey man, thanks for continuing to update your journey here, I’m always happy to see a new post in this thread
I’ve been considering writing a post like this for a long time and always type something out before deciding not to post it. I just wanted to share something that has helped me
The gist of it is realising that I’m ok as I am without needing to do or change or achieve anything
Not needing to be good, or respected
Being ok with being imperfect
Not needing to tell myself a story about how I’m good, or a story about how I’m bad but will work hard so that in the future I’ll be good
I feel like I could write forever about my experience with this
But hope that this is some food for thought, even if you don’t agree with it
GL

yes you are right, my friends from home called me out on it aswell. After Mexico I have not done anything holiday related. It's hard for me to plan something with my friends since they all have 9-5 jobs/structured lifestyle. But next week some friends are visiting here so I will take a break and consume some drinks here and there.... I'm planning on going to Brazil/Argentina begin next year with 2 friends but I need to find someone that want to rent my apartment for 2 months....

Hey man good to see you are still lurking. I hope you are doing well. You still on the pokergrind?

Thanks bro, I try to adapt the mindset. it goes in phases (sometime I'm getting closer, sometime getting further away). It's an interesting "goal" to be imperfect and this

is something I should repeat more often aswell also in times of not being content with the current situation. Thanks for your sharing your thoughts, feel free to reach out on discord if you want to talk or go for a study session. I want to say I still learned quite a bit in terms of strategy concepts from when we sometimes studied together that I still benefit from today!

Small poker update: Playing itself is going alright, took some small shots higher which went meh again. Current stakes still cruising (bit of a ds on stars but cruising on other sites). There is no motivation to share results or cool hands but it will come back (I understand blog is boring without graphs ). Same with studying. After the mental struggles I started from scratch again in terms of habits and slowly I'm rebuilding everything (gym, meditation, eating healthy, sleep). And studying will become part of this at some point, I just learned if I try to do everything at once I will fail. Also the motivation for poker in general is increasing again since after a very annoying downswing>upswing>downswing I'm now doing pretty well. I understand relying on motivation/rungood is ridiculous. And I try to strive from consistency. But for me after 2months of no pio I struggle to get started again, maybe some of you readers can relate. The delusional believe that I'm gonna get far in this **** was gone for a minute, which also didn't help. To make a good living + save up some there is no need to study with solvers anytime soon in the current state of poker. But if I want to achieve something, I need to go back to working even harder just like I used to do when I was hungry af. I recently learned that I'm not as good as I thought. I genuinely thought it would be a matter of roll to play and do well in 1k for example. But luckily I learned this was rather delusional, and I'm a fishreg far from my potential. So I guess not progression for 2 months had it's benefits, because I needed this realization.

Yesterday was one of the more "fun" days I had in poker. I was railing "RaphDarko" stream and playing him in the hu zoom pools. I think together with Easty he is the most entertaining streamer there is They just show a way more "human sight" to poker(me approaching it too human is one of my biggest leaks actually ). I ended up playing RaphDarko hu on stream in a homegame. The cards were in my favour this time... (100nl hu)

When I saw the hu stream. I dunno why but I was expecting you to take a shot at the lord.
Yeah I agree Darko is one of the best cash content out there. Just so funny to watch.

RaphDarko, the One and Only Lord.

Got smoked today, bunch of tilt aswell. I just jumped in after skipping my routine. I'm not sure how many times this has to happen for me to realize my brain doesn't function if I wake up, have breakfast and open tables....

In general poker is going allright, I'm rolled for 500 but I'm scared to go in. I don't have faith in myself being able to move down if I lose 20bi. Or being able to stop playing at the planned time when I'm down 3.5bi.... Patience is good, but exploiting nitregs for 8bb lately (5bb this year) at 100&200 seems like the easy route - even though I still feel mental game struggles even with a 5-8bb winrate on lower limits. On the other hand just building a solid roll for once can't do any harm



Some random sample on tracked sites, which started after that massive losing session I had 2 months ago. I played most volume on a site where hands are not auto-tracked by tracking software and where rakeback is everything...

Sick bro.

What are blockers and why do people keep mentioning them?




woops there goes my tower :/

Sick thread, started with $20 now winning $1000+ in a day congrats!

Ty mate


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Absoluteeeee whopperrrrr