This is gonna is be the last post I make in a while. Maybe at some point I feel like updating again. Also I'm not in emotion or whatever right now (also not on downswing lol). And there is nothing wrong with Vienna, it's a great city. But I feel like writing out my plans and whats on my mind.

For a while I'm falling back in old habits. I already wrote a little about it here and it's going with ups and downs. I'm really struggling with depression, stress, anxiety. Basically these last few months have been complete ****. I know I'm to blame with not taking any "real" action towards it. But also I think my current lifestyle is part of the problem. After spending some time in Mexico this year started great. And the first 1.5 months here in Vienna were great aswell. I was rooming together with a friend and fellow poker player. I was feeling good, weather was good, somewhat balance with everything. But when my roommate left (for financial reason) that's when the struggles started and recently I've been thinking a lot.

From that point I was alone here in Vienna and also from that point on I'm reconsidering my life and career choices. Sometimes I have social activities, tried dating apps, friends from home visiting etc. But all in all I've been living like a loner here. I just learned or rather got confirmed that I'm really bad in opening up to new people and being myself around people I don't know that well. I just suck in making new friends. Again, I have myself to blame. I didn't fully commit or tried all the way. But ever since my roommate went back to Germany and another Dutch guy I met went to Mexico I constantly ask myself: "Wtf am I doing here?" or "what am I doing with my life?".

In the first year of this blog it was lockdown period. The whole world was standing still. And I used this as an opportunity to catch up and go in this "grind mode" and work on myself and on some sort of career path, which in this case is poker. Especially in the first few months I had this image in mind of where I want to be and what I'm doing it for. Waking up 4:30am to go running and study hard while grinding micros and other weird tryhard stuff. And where I wanted to be back then pokerwise, is where I am right now. And clearly it's far from how I pictured it. Ofcourse human brain always wants more, and it doesn't feel satisfying at all to be making 2.5x/3x what my friends back home are making. In my head I'm a 200nl punter not being good enough for any tough competition (this sounds super negative, but also I enjoy this hunger/grind for more). But the true problem is the lifestyle. I'm 26, I can literally go wherever the **** I want. And yet I'm sitting here lonely in a random country feeling miserable.

So part of the problem is me not having a good community or a lot of friends in the "poker world". I already wrote above I"m to blame for this. Maybe I'm also unlucky, but plenty opportunities came and a lot of the time I was just too unbothered to put in the effort. Also in terms of studying this always has been a problem, since I do everything by myself (which is just punting). I do have friends in poker. People I'm in contact now for 2years+ and people who I consider my friend. But along the way many people have quit of and on, don't study, doing bad financially, have a family etc.

The dream would just be to find some squad with people from my age. And go rent a grindhouse in Thailand, Bali or Argentina or whatever. This freedom that I have has so much to offer, and it feels like I'm completely punting by settling down in Austria living on my own not having a lot of friends here. There are a lot of people in poker who have this mindset of "I'm going to do everything to make it big financially in the next couple years so then I can chill". That Bencb type mentality. And even though I respect it and understand it. I don't share it all + We are all witness of what happens when all I have is the growth of my bankroll (too much, stress, emotion, tilt etc.). I saw some footage of a finish poker crew called "beasts of poker" (think some hs plo guys) and what they have/had was really inspiring - One massive -ev thing from the poker lifestyle is the loneliness, and they just make the best of it by teaming up and renting an office. Same with trips for Mtt's or travel. I have no one to go with. I also notice I'm getting frustrated with this. I'm aware this is just a form of not taking responsibility. But for example my main poker mate (who I was also rooming with here) is pretty lazy and barely on the grind and tbh with his work ethic he"s not really getting anywhere. These are his choices, and it's non of my business. Yet sometimes (even though I know it's irrational) it's really frustrating that I'm just always a lone wolf in this. And we can talk all about great travel plans, but it's never gonna happen anyway.

After post from November 7th in an impulsive mood booked a ticket back to the Netherlands for the next day, and I ended up staying there for a week. It was the most fun weekend/week I had in a while. Seeing all my friends and family. Going out a bunch. Especially in the first year of this blog I often talked negatively about my hometown, how people are so judgemental and all that. How they talk a lot about other people. And even though this still true, I think I've grown as a person to the point where I don't really care a lot about this **** anymore. If I"m a: gambling degen getting lucky over and over waiting to crash to go back to a "real job" - so be it. I have plenty of people who respect and like me there, and I realized it's not so bad just living a simple life with friends and family around me.

So after this holiday the doubt about what I was doing became bigger and bigger. And it came to a point where I just gonna go back to the Netherlands. Soon I will contact the landlord and I hope to be out of here end of January/end of February. The regulated poker market in the Netherlands is really **** for cash games, so if this means adios poker it is what it is. I'm willing to quit if I have to (allthough quitting next year seems unlikely). The whole point of this post is; It's just not worth it anymore, I give up too much life-ev. I can still travel, play live or play part-time or whatever. I can even consider switching to other formats. Although whatever I do, I wouldn't mind taking a job for a day or 2/week. Or even some voluntary work. Just to be more around people. The lonely grind is a price you pay to pursuit this poker dream, and tbh I'm now at the point where I"m done with it. My love for poker is not over yet, recently after feeling like a dog 3max morning games 500nl stars I started studying a bunch again. And I still really enjoy and be grateful for being able to do this. But some things just have to change....

thanks for sharing your thoughts. I used to be a reader in your blog but i kinda want to share my own story because i can connect to the stuff you wrote.

It's been now 6,5 years since I left Malta und moved back to Germany to be surrounded with friends and family. I visited them over christmas, had a lot of fun times hanging out with them and when I arrived back in Malta I felt pretty empty and lonely staying in a foreign country. The winter was hard and i think the warmest i felt when i took a bath (which i then took everyday^^).

Had a lot of self-talking at this time and kinda glorified my old country and dreamed about going fishing with my dad or hanging around with friends. Now this is when things can be dangerous because those dreams and home-sickness were so hard because i spinned the thoughts over and over in my head. But deep inside you are not who you think you are and our monkey-mind can make things really worse.

To be fair I had plenty of opportunities to live a better lifestyle while being in Malta. I even lived in an apartment right above a crossfit gym and guess how many times I went there What if i would have just entered the door and tried some new sports in there, meeting new people that share same interests etc. But no, I have chosen to be alone. Like in Poker, we have always a choice what our action is going to be. The better we know our opponents combined with game theory the sharper our actions will be. I have the feeling that it is the same with the life outside. The better we know ourselves and understand life, the better our choices will be. But how can you really know yourself when there is so much dust....we think too much and feel too little as Mr Chaplin would have said.

Back then I took the easy route and moved back to Germany. I was so distracted from my own mind and gave him full control and talked myself into a life that I was escaping in the first place. Spoiler Alert: Things did become worse over the last years but I used some good moments to change my direction and I am on the way to take full responsibility for the things that are in my control.

Recently I had an interesting phone call with my brother. He was asking me directly why I was so down and not making progress...why I am still living this boring life in Germany...stuff like this. I don't exactly remember my answer to his question but I do remember the next one: "Are you a mommy's boy?"

I was reflecting on our conversation a lot. Right now my answer would be a mix between missing a woman in my daily life, love in general and not getting enough fuel from sunlight.

sorry man, it's so hard for me to tell you what I want to tell because this is not my strong language. I am getting tired also so maybe I'll be back in a few days with a more clear wall of text. Funny how exhausting it is to write in a different language. If you are up for we could chat over discord (might be interested in the apartment as well because playing in Germany sucks as Tourney Player)

Hi man,

Thanks for being so honest in your latest, and actually all of your posts.
I've read the whole story including comments 3 times now, it's amazing and inspiring to see where you came from, and where you are at this point.

You seem the have a lot of talent for the game, and also a good work ethic/natural curiosity. The way I read it, it's the peripheral matters, especially social wise that are holding you back from becoming a top top player who is crushing nosebleeds. Because I honestly think the talent is there to make it. But like you said, it must be worth it, and you must be able to sacrifice a lot. At the end of the day it's not about reaching the top or making a F ton of money, it's about you being happy with what you do.

I hope you're able to reflect back on the last 3 years since your first post, and realize the process/story you've created is actually an amazing adventure, that's how I read it at least.
And don't get me wrong I also noticed the downsides, but looking at the bigger picture I hope you don't have any regret what so ever.

In my opinion, if you are able to surround yourself despite your "lack of social skills", as you call it, with the right people, you can become a top top top player, remember you are The average of the Five people you spend the most time with. Of course one is more sensitive to this saying than others, but I think there is a truth in it. Taking some time off could do you good I think, 2024, new year new chances buddy.


I want to thank you again for sharing your whole story, it actually inspired me 2 weeks ago to start my own blog here (actually wrote about you in my first post), where at the core I am saying the same as you do in your latest post: "Wtf am I doing here?" or "what am I doing with my life?". I am where you started 3 years ago, you're still so young dude, don't be to hard on yourself, you've developed so much more than you could've imagined when you started this blog, remember that.

Hou je haaks! Je komt er wel

gg, insane insane badrun last couple days + 36bi under ev for the month

Sucks man. I'm also running -EV for a while but not quite that bad, I'm only 15bi under

that's a savage one - head up mate!

Looks brutal, GL next year

bruh
its gonna turn around. just gotta keep swimming.

allright lads, everytime I say I'm not gonna update for a while but then I proceed to still update. Anyway because I blogged a bunch this year and because I put you through all these boring long text posts I felt the need to share some sort of 2023 graph and poker year wrap-up to compromise a little

I tried to import the last 200k hands of the year (because once again after tilt sess created new db as a "fresh start") to my main databass but after 3 attemps I gave up. Just did the 2hour import thing again, went out and when I came back 70k hands missing.... So unfortunately will have share it in two parts:





Around 5evbb for the year. I'm content with it, because of the obvious mental game/performance struggles but also because it's inflated by zoom (had like 4bb in zoom this year). Important to note (and I assume this isn't a suprise) I lost a lot higher and won a lot lower. Also paid insane amount of rake of which I got quite some back in $$ but imo %wise too low, I try to not complain too much about those things but just want to say for me rake is the biggest enemy of online poker on (lowstakes) midstakes.

Also quite some hands untracked, about some of it I have posted already (post about how I degened my roll away). Some of it was on GG here in Vienna. I have imported Barely any of my hands played on GG so not really displayed on the graph posted above. There is not much to show anyway, I made quite some money there but most of it was rakeback. After one mega tilt session end of August which I posted about in here, I locked myself in the house and played close to builderman-volume (also facing him a lot, he played suprisingly well) on gg for 2 weeks still with a good pvi and was able to do really well $wise. On the regtables I still did ok having 3evbb or whatever on mix of 200 and 500 (<60k hand sample or whatever so doesnt say anything). And in 200rnc I punted a lot of stacks of away and I'm convinced I'm losing hard in that pool also if I play there now. Not because the competition is tough, but meta is so incredibly-incredibly tight (also those autofold charts, so recs also supertight) and I'm just not disciplined enough to play there. I can try it and do ok for couple k hands but always the same thing happens when I start calling 4bets with TT tight positions. Slipping up there and make a couple undisciplined calldowns is just winrate suicide there.... I stopped playing on gg because 1. too stressfull, low winrate high variance 2. This "high- rake, shitreg get more %rakeback system" just bothers me, I try to be less of a crybaby about this 3. Essentially I'm gambling decent part of my year ev with risking not binking a jackpot or any jackpot $ for 12 months which is very possible. 4. high volume rakeback grinding is not for me (a conclusion that is repeated over 17 times here already ). I'm still keeping the option open to play 500nl there at some point. In terms of action it's the best (not considering rake). But I need to have a bigger bankroll for the swings there and have a better plan vs the recs and regfishes from Asia. They are very tight, but also very unpredictable and tricky and I did only well vs them bluelining.

In terms of run, I think until September I ran pretty well. It's not displayed in the graph because I lost my mind in March. But I think it's important to mention and appreciate lifetime I still run decent especially in the first year of this journey. Just the last couple months of the year were brutal and swingy. I started regbattling morning hours 500nl on stars (+ mixing other sites 500), and went down$10k-back up$10k-down$10k in like 7/8 days. I stopped reg battling 500 after that. Also including like 20bi under ev untracked(mainly gg), around 70bi under ev for the year. Luckily it didn't happen in the period when I was rebuilding my roll from almost scratch, but still it adds up. Facing runbad makes me understand and respect variance more. And gives me a more professional attitude towards the game (table selecting, playing good quality volume). But sometimes it's hard. Last couple months I'm running insanely bad on stars, and even though I know it's ridiculous - I don't want to play there anymore Just an example of how variance can **** with you. Will not stop playing there because of that reason ofc

Always when I **** up with like big tilt sess or anything like that, I go on a rant about how I'm not making progress and it's just a ticking timebomb to do it again. But honestly when I zoom out and reflect I see that I'm making steady progress on the mental game/performance side of things. I just realized I'm a slow learner, and I learn by experience. And this gave me a boost in trusting the process. In the first year when I went to Malta with a 6k bankroll to play 100z I was genuinely convinced I was a winner in those games. And even now 2 years later I still think my technical game was good enough for (low) xbb/100h + some rakeback, but to play somewhat reasonable state of mind/professional poker was so incredibly hard for me back then. And it wasn't working out. And now 2 years later, it's still a grind for me to just play normal focused poker. And I ****ed up many times this year, so many 10+bi tiltsessions. So many 0 equity punts. So many $ wasted on tilt, including busting a $22k bankroll in 2 weeks completely losing my mind. But still somehow instead of the -2bb I had back then, I now have +5bb. This is a big w for me. And it shows that I'm making progress. That not only my a-game but also my terrible c-game autopilot spewstrats are improving. And that I'm slowly improving with dealing with adversity. And also in terms of $ it still has been a decent year. Less than I hoped and aimed for, but still good and something I would have taken if offered before the start of 2023. And I'm confident that I can keep making progress, and if I play this year 30% of my volume on tilt instead of the 50% (these are just random numbers haha, but to make a point) of last year. That will be another big w.

2024 I want to focus more on life and less on poker like I discussed above. I"m gonna move back to the Netherlands and share an apartment somewhere with one of my best friends and I'm excited about that. Other than that I want to go to Argentina for a month or 2 and maybe a small US livetrip. I have never been there and would really want to go, and I would like to mix that with playing some live poker. I wrote down some life-goals (or more a to-do list) and plan of action (like doing therapy, work on depression etc.) but I like to keep that for myself.

Some goals for poker:
no zoom
Play more live
Learn basics of tournaments (this was also a goal for last year but couldn't be bothered)

Maybe will start updating again later this year. For now no need to document everything since the focus is not so much on poker. I'm now playing 200-500nl on a couple sites. And if I play those same stakes at the end of this year, I'm genuinely content with that. This year I was too focused on "the climb above", and besides good work ethic for studying this was part problem at times. Because my expectations were too high, but mental game too weak. Right now I genuinely accepted that in terms of tilt and performance/focusing, I come from 0. And at least part of my personality, doesn't exactly fit something volatile as poker. And improving this, which is the whole point of this thread, is a slow steady curve feed by experience.