Hi, time to talk to myself for a bit again

Played a brawl of a session today. Had an extreme amount of deep runs, the ones that hurts was 13th 109bb JJ<55, 20th marathon QQ<99 for CL pot w 120bb and 14th or so 109 centurion where i lost AQ to AJ for heaps. Still turned this ***** session around and grinded every mtt i saw for many hours to do so. Could have, and should have been more. I told myself after that this **** happens, nobody wants to hear about your bad beat, everyone takes them all the time (although some def have better timings on their getting sucked out game ). Its during those moments where you just feel like calling it a night i really have a love-hate relationship with myself because i always, and i mean always, just go another 8h of regging. I cant decide if its good or bad, lol. So also abi wasnt just 50 on sunday but its actually 52$ for the month (600+ games and somewhere around 5k$ up i think, im not sure how to track my real name games on party..?).

So, im murdering it on party and getting murdered on stars. This would not be a problem normally, but due to swedish regulations I am allowed to deposit 5000 SEK or around $600/week per site, meaning if i go busto or get low on a site i cant just reload and spread money out. Right now i have way more on party than stars, and obviously id like it the other way around. Oh well, i will make it work, be flexible on stars and compensate with more higher mtts elsewhere. Getting back on to ipoker again (but w 500/week so need some early binks lol).

Took 1st 33 hyper, 5th hot 44, 2nd 55 pko hyper party, 4th 109 sonic, 4th 215 5k party, 15th 109 centurion, 20ish-th 55 marathon, went from 1/5 to 4th in the $66 on party, and a bunch of more 5th-20ths.
Heres 109bb lobby, day graph of unstuckoing and chip graph on stars this month. I dont know if that is as bad as it looks?

The show goes on, gl out there.

got this little 2nd whilst wrapping up =)

Pretty ridic day today. Was playing some $22 spins for fun this morrning happily taking some $55 tickets n ****. After like 10-15 spins i get one where we play for ticket to $1050 scoop main which i shipped after a long row of 1bb comebacks from both me and my opponent lmao. I also had exactly two $55 tickets from those spins which i used for 2 sattys for 1ks, and i shipped both. So got to play the 1k deepstack (made a pretty disciplined fold in a 3b pot otr early on where i lost alot), then got above starting in a 3b pot where i open T8dd btn, bb with k9s goes b b jam on 986K8. After that i didnt play a damn pot, i had pads to my direct right and i 3bet him once only w suited wheel ace just to miss and lose a small one. Busted pretty early on. The 1050 Pko same story, dwindle dwindle dwindle, lose KKvA8o for 40bb and out early. Still got the main too look forward to, stars getting kinda low after going all out this evening., however after a bunch of bricking and a 14th in 109 centurion (again) and 20th something hot 215 (sattied in and busted kq<k5 in a std spot bvsb. Yoloed the irish open 530€ w 100% of my action and scraped through to day 2, i have 30bb w 23 left gtd 1.1k€ or so with 16-17k€ up top. Was 1/72 in the €55 one with 71 advancing to day to but managed to blast half my stack away, still got through with 500k at bb12k there. Probably wont play too much around those two tomorrow, its actually embarrasing how bad i play sometimes and its due to poor sleep and too many hours to ever be albe to stay sharp. This needs FIXING. Will also look to lower ABI quite substantially. Its too stressfull even whilst selling % to have swings that are a not irrelevant % of my BR. I think mentally it helps alot being overrolled and thats gonna be my goal, obviously not gonna play abi 15 for ever either,, i dont see it as a farewell, but rather see you soon again! (unless i win tmr ofc, then ill go bananas for the month). No expectations other than to get to sleep now, get some study done in the day and be fresh & at 100%.

TLDR: Irish Open > Scoop

Really enjoying this thread. Keep crushing, GL!

Hope your crushing it!!


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I saw we both had huge stacks in the Big Fifty today with about an hour to go and both busted before Day 3... I had 90bb to start the final hour and lost 3 big pots in a row to bust about 10 mins before end of day. Sigh. Lost one of those AK v QQ spots

Anyway, just saw your name near the top with me for a long time today and wanted to pop in and wish you luck with the rest of the Series!

loved too follow this journey, really impressive. Hope you post soon!

Good Luck my man

Thanks man, appreciate it

Slaughtered in april, rebuilding!

Yeah i blew a few of those lately, they are really hard to win until they arent!

Thank you!





So ive been off for a bit, played 2200mtts+ in april, got slaugthered after a solid start and went on like 10-15k downer, busted stars (limited with deposits to regulation so easing in there again) but started winning on ipoker & party and moved down a bit to grind back and study alot more. Turning it around, wont post any graphs until it looks a bit less uglier as it just makes me not so happy to see!

Shipped the €50 classic for €1.8k today which was sadly my first 4fig cash of the month, but still up a little bit and ended last month quite strong. Gonna keep on going hard on and off the tables, graduating in a month which will mean 110% all in on poker. Will try to update a bit more, appreciate the comments guys! Gl out there

I always feel like loading up some tourneys when reading this thread. Hopefully next couple weeks you start crushing again! GLGL

Hola good luck

Haha thanks. Nothing quite like it!

hello legend! =) thank you kindly!


Long and stoned post coming after todays long sudnay session. Promise to spend alot of words talkign about everything and nothing with little to no substance. My skype friends are on the edge, i feel blocks coming if anyone who play seriously wants someone to discuss with hit me up with skype. Looking forward to celebrating a SICK sunday performance wise. GL heroes

3 days of procrastinating later, here we go. Im going to keep it pretty short because i dont have much fun to share, ive been losing in anything and everything (mainly 100+ which i dropped completely for a while) and just a disgusting combination of running and playing bad with a bad mindset. My one focus has become improving mentally and i do this by daily goals of things i have control of, writing a journal and accepting that im not going to be perfect overnight. By writing daily i can clearly see how i slowly start replacing negative habits with positive ones, reflect over things and can start catching negativity or rationalizing in the moment. In the power of now i read something about identifying with your thoughts whilst they are not you, that really clicked for me.... Reading alot of books on bettering yourself and changing your mindset, if anyone has any recommendations feel free to share!

I didnt wanna look at these graphs at first, but then figured they are motivation rather than misery. Or maybe a bit of both. Half the time im making progress it feels like, and the other half i doubt i beat big 2 on stars. Lets see where we go from here, im pretty tired of losing so might change that! Heres since april all games & without 100+ and then total 10-90 graph for comparison, might stick to those games.. 100+ are just gross, no thanks. Oh and i did win a few bowls and took 6th in a big 55 on gg for $800 or so for a ok winning day, best one in a while sadly. Last one is the lack of 1k+ cashes in all those mtts, gonna be hard to win at that rate. Took 28th or so in lex something something with 30+k UT, have had a bunch of those kidn of runs, it will come when its time. Gl out there heroes.









TLDR: see ya at the micros, luke schwartz podcasts with joey ingram is the funniest **** ever. must listen! cried when he described playing polk on webcam and getting tilted by his vest :d

hola maybe this helps:

many friends of mine and myself started out running sharkscope filters 0-22, then 0-33, etc. i vividly recall thinking 55s were absolutely unbeatable. so its not just you but the thing i ve realized over the years is that unless u sunrun like hell the issue about these higher games simply is one thing:

the lack of sample. once u accumulate a sample thats relevant for any discussion you will realize 100s are basically the same ol games as the things u have 17x the volume in right now. keep your head up and keep improving bud see u at the tables

Hi, thanks alot for this post! Yeah i know you are right, its very hard to remind yourself of logic sometimes though when you let negative thoughts take over. Its literally 30k down in a few hundred games whilst busting my ass in big 5 at the same time, very very hard to win if the top games dont do well and if everything starts sucking, voila! Its just hard sometimes to even understand how people make the jump if they arent staked or dont bink big. Anyways, I have re-evaluated with a bit of a more clear head and will just be ignoring that part of the sched, work on myself and make some money again and then take it from there. Really nice of you to chime in mate, appreciate it! Gl to ya



So today I sat down, picked one of the 11 books ive read 10% off, and decided to only read that one for now. I find these kind of books either 1) Dont apply to you at all/you dont need them or they can hit really hard. Ive been on a "journey" for a while now focusing on improving mental health and overall health after probably the worst period of my life (not poker or even directly me, but issues around me that was very draining). Ive picked up things from here and there, discussed with friends, reflected and slowly but surely starting to piece together some sort of structure (unheard of for me). The biggest thing ive learned is how much we are in control of our own brains and if negative thoughts can form and create a terrible mindset made up of fear, anxiety or w/e, the same can be done the other way around. This is something i always "believed" in, as in i would say yes if i was asked do i believe in it, but i wouldnt truly mean it or even know anything about it. I dont think fear is a good reason for any decision and even more so when you arent even aware of it. Unless maybe someone suggests to skydive with no parachute, then fear as reasoning is probably a good call

Right now im trying to do less as ive basically been grinding unhuman hours this year (and for sure i need to accept that a big part of this DS is my own fault, even though im running worse than ever.) What have i done to help myself be prepared for this? Nothing. Have i put in an effort worthy of what i want to achieve? No, ive not even put in what i would consider to be minimal effort. All ive done is grind grind grind, sure some review here and there but no structure, no direction, no awareness of money and how important it is to treat it carefully etc etc the list goes on.

Right now im reading "Unfu*k Yourself: Get Out of Your Head and into Your Life" which has been very ***** eye opening in how ive been lying to myself and rationalizing things like my lack of study being because im just bad with structure. First of all, i have bought two courses for alot of money (to me) and barely gotten much use out of them. I think thats a way of pretending/telling myself that im actually doing something, and the other parts im not doing is because i struggle with that sort of stuff. But do I? Or could i at gun point structure it exactly as id like, and start putting in effective work? Yes I could, and thats that. So all i need to do is set up a plan to improve myself within certain areas, just a little bit everyday. With time this leads to bad habits being fewer and bad daysless bad, replacing the bad habits, thoughts and general health is good habits, an healthy mindset and this is something that i need to remind myself of every day. Wont go in to detail because this post will never end if i do, but i write a journal, set goals that im in control of daily and my only real criteria of judging if i succeeded is whether or not i tried to become better in any way as a person, and if i didnt just the awareness in it self is an improvement so the only end result is a positive one. I review these goals and change them as i see fit, and i also seperate life and poker and write journals for both. I think tracking how im feeling and thinking everyday will help realize that progress is being made which can be incredibly easy to not notice if your not looking for it. Me even writing this here without overthinking it and just speaking freely would be unthinkable not so long ago.

An example from the book that is really simple but eye opening to me is "If youre not willing to take the actions to change your situation - in other words, if your willing to put up with your situation-then whether you like it or not, that is the life you have chosen". Also "Theres nothing inherently wrong in working long hours and sacrificing quality of life, and some might be perfectly content doing so in order to make $ or career, But so many of us have actually forgotten why we are pursuing what we are pursuing in the first place. This was what i needed to hear. Poker was (is) attractive because of the freedom, less stress, not working in a job you hate and actually be your own leader, and somehow i by myself create a situation where i am just overworking and in a dumb way at that, creating alot of the issues that become very apparent when results start swinging. I am in charge of this and I am responsible for where i am, but more importantly where I go from here, and its probably the first time i ever say something like that and believe it whole-heartedly. This doesnt mean i think i have the answer to anything, or will be perfect at all times, but ive realized i can take control again and direct my mind towards better habits, and good things lead to more good things, that i believe more than anything. Anyways, might be a bit of rambling and not much substance but it makes sense to me, which is the only thing that matters really.

Played a session today after a bunch of note taking and reading because i was genuinely hungry to get playing and show the entitled lil ***** blaiming everything but himself that its not gonna fly anymore, and it worked well for today. Now i need to keep taking active steps towards improving myself and every day i will make that my top priority, forcing structure and good habits slowly until they are a natural part of my day. With the nice post above and the first 70 pages or so of the book as motivation i went in with these goals:

Never more than 10 tables. Doesnt matter if that 33 fo looks good or the 55 im missing, its about proving to myself that my impulses to go against what i want are not me, or my active actions, but its very hard to know when you are actually rationalizing or doing something for another reason than you think. I enjoy poker the most when i dont get stressed out because i cant focus due to table count, but i get bored (understimulated) with less tables...

Next goal was to be aware of when thoughts come that arent really mine but its my Unconscious (is that the word?) trying to blame my opponent, variance, how 22 always beat KK, yada yada. Its just habits, and when you start to notice it happen in real time its really hard not to feel like there is control to be taken, and with that comes endless posibilites. The past is the past, the future isnt now, so for now im going to stop rambling about because im not sure this eaven has any sort of meaning anymore, but im not even going to let myself worry about it looking silly or whatever stupid untrue reason i could find to not share what im thinking. Its def good to get some **** out sometimes.

Today i chopped 30 turbo bowl for $450, 20th 16.5 pko on stars, 4th in a gg $20 turbo, a bunch of 10ths,12ths etc in bowls and then ended with big 22 where i was comfy with a nice stack after these two hands in a row vs asme guy, second flat might be way too loose but i imagined him steaming so had to be in there. Very happy that i pull the trigger the second hand (ignoring any strategy at all, just that i didnt chicken out because i just won a pot v him, its a decent amount UT or whatever). However lost 40bb flip JJvKQo and then was short, stayed alive and ran A8s in to AA and we were out. Almost feel so little frustration about it that i get paranoid its too good t o be true Only stressing thing now is being quite poorly rolled, if anyone is looking for % on gg in very printy games id be happy to sell alot at low/no mu, not sure what is fair. I can sell to same guy for all sites but gg is a bit different, so if someone wants in holla at me! for now ill leave you with the b22 hands & lobby f that one and confirming my bowlchop. Gotta be up for some school **** in 7h so gonna smoke, read, figure out what i want to achieve tomorrow. Playing so many bowls so cant be posting 10 8th places every day, here are the most interesting ones. Lost a few hundo but its all good. Feeling really ****ing good right now because instead of focusing on how bad i run, how uunfair things are or whatever ***** ass reasoning i can come up with im looking at it as a challenge, i have alot to prove to myself. GL out there heroes!

Oh and yeah if someone playing lower (or anyone who wants it) want a few review sessions/coachings free of charge send me a PM

I was going to post the other day when you posted a small post feeling frustrated, unfortunately didnt have enough time. Good thing I didn’t because most of the things I wouldve said it seems like you’ve taken a step back and really looked yourself in the mirror and picked a few things about yourself apart to try and work on those things. One thing I might suggest since you continuously state about how you want to study or you’ve been half assing it - take a full 7 days off playing. Seriously. It might do you good and use the time to study and really study. Be very hard on yourself if you’re itching to play. You’re taking all the right steps it seems on reflecting on yourself and maybe the one thing you’re also missing is the taking a break and studying. That’s my two cents, maybe have some structure in your poker life? ie. Say thursdays are playing time and wednesdays are studying? Just suggestions.

You’re latest post really hits me since I’m struggling on my own mindset currently and I’ve taking a full 2 month break and really dug into myself mentally and emotionally. I’ve had a hard time studying too. Just a couple of days ago I decided I was ready to get back into the swings but this time with structure(all my other times I’ve never had structure in poker) I’ve also accepted I’ve failed multiple times and I’m good with it. It’s a teaching lesson. I do appreciate your blog and how true you are with yourself. It makes me feel great knowing someone who has struggling days and off days just like I do but most importantly knows how to deal with them.

Thanks again for the blog!


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Hey man, first of all i really appreciate this post and cant help but smile
at the irony of me making posts i wasnt comfortable with (doing something that i build up to be scary, and arent really) leads to the exact kind of replies i wanted in the first place. Your assessement is pretty much spot on except the shift has really gone from studying poker to studying myself. Somewhere along the line playing & studying poker fits in, im not too worried because if i constantly push myself towards improvement there isnt a possible way the end result is bad, and studying will eventually be #1, right now building the system, figuring out what my issues are etc is #1 and its all a bit messy. Im basically trying to go from impulsive, unstructured, self-lying, unaware, weak mentally and insecure to all the positives of those, going from poker fish to beast will be alot easier after that process is ongoing so to say. This is how i look at it, its really hard to put words to some of these things..

Yeah, reflection has generally been due to being forced in to being unwilling to continue as is, and ive over time used it to try and make sense of everything. Impulsive behavior, desire, entitlement (or as its called, "adhd") unfortunately come first, then comes reflection, adjusting, trying again and failing. Do that 15 000 000 000000000000 times over and over and voila, here i am But i appreciate the point your making and agree, its just not what im worried or focused on the most, it was however the single most frustration of "not being able to do it though i want to" which really was/is "I could if i was willing to, but im unwilling. so ill make myself believe im doing it to not have to feel bad about it".

Good man, acceptance is the most important and sometimes by far hardest thing, especially with being honest with ourselves. All we can really do is ask ourselves are we willing to do what it takes to get what we want, if not, then thats ok, but dont whine over it. I thank you too, it seems everyone thinks they are the only one who feels x or y but as soon as i share something i find most people get it before i even say it. I would genuinely say i dont know what your thankign me for, i thank you! Just knowing others feel/think about these things is some kind of mental support that is very important for me, i dont know why. I think you overestimate how much effort i put in v how much it helps, its a gradual process, i just like you handle **** poorly, am dissapointed in stuff or whatever it is. But the whole system im trying to build is guaranteed to one day lead to what the ideal might be, for now im really just trying to trust the process and enjoy it. Dont be to hard on yourself, answering PM now.

Winning day! Lacked in my effort to bring myself back when the mind wanders, and had a super tilted reaction to somethin someone said (which is still frustrating me) to the point where it definately affected me. Couldnt shut skype down but was talking about everything and nothing whilst playing the last smaller fts (atleast higher awareness when i played the big ones.). Had two rules which i would genuienly never be able to follow and never broke those, 10 tables & bi restrictions. Played super low & will do for a bit to minimize moneys effect on my mental work and being able to put as much of my attention towards it as possible. Alot of potential to progress in just about every aspect, including giving myself some positive feedback. I scored myself on how well i managed to bring my attention back when it wanders and lets just say i did not do well, meaning there is a ton to improve there and i cant wait to do so, because i am willing to.

Earlier today i was checking off my list of to-dos before grind, and got to the last one (throw the thrash, takes 2 min). Procrastinated and even started rationalizing it in writing by arguing something earlier that i missed meant i could just do this tomorrow, but before i was quite done writing whatever i wrote exactly i realized that i wasnt the one making the decision, sort of observing your thoughts as described in "power of now". This changed my view on it and i decided to instead of going down 2-0, i score the mental equalizer and make it 1-1. Get everything together just to find out my friend has my key so i cant get in to the thrash room. Usual response would be omega bill burr level tilt, instead i figured lets look for the key by cleaning he apt (this is a bigger deal than it seems probably), i cleaned and made up for the thing i couldnt control (my friend took the key days ago, i cant expect myself to remember that 100% of the time i write a list), but i did have good a good response in what i can control, which means the trash goes on to tomorrows list with even more being done today in a way. Good things lead to more good things, ill say that as long as i have to until i dont need to. Yep, just had to end on a "wtf am i writing". Sounds better in my head, i promise!

Tons of runs today, most noteworthy was 6th in a big 22 on gg, went deep in the 22 daily with 5k ut but ft bubbled. Went deep in big 22 too again but busted f2t. A few bowly runs, 2nd in some hyper & turbo 20s or something, dont tihnk the picture shows a completely correct image of the sesh but its impressive to myself that i got abi down as low as 15.
Gl heroes!

Exhausted. Stacks in everything but didnt really make much of it. I am in no position to be entitled enough to complain about anything, ive had a few winning days in a row and that is all i could have asked for when i was at my lowest, so now i got some momentum and im gonna make tomorrow a stuudy day then come back for a big sunday session. Gl out there heroes!



Making alot of mental progress (in everyday life and poker) which is very motivating. I am definately a little bit better today than yesterday, and i will say the same thing tomorrow when i go to bed.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mNeXuCYiE0U

Not sure how to post it in video format. This is an excellent video that puts words to alot of things im trying to say/write and also opens my eyes to different approaches of improving, for example i really like the idea of "never miss twice". So with food for example if im on a diet (usually keto makes me feel the best) and i **** up once, i use it as an excuse to snowball in to terrible eating for long periods of time. I almost did this today where i had fast food for "lunch" and then was on my way to getting more crap, realized i had made a mistake due to bad habits, made myself aware of it, and got on track again. So its ok to fail once, just dont fail the same thing twice in a row. For me that is the overall rule on everything im trying to do, now im in this weird place where i have to narrow down what i want to be improving on to maybe 3,4 big important areas. For now its physical health & mental health (these are seperate even though they certainly go hand in hand, so for example what i eat vs how i handle tilt will have different approaches and goals). Poker playing & poker studying are the last two, again they go hand in hand but with regards to playing its about doing it at preferred table count, minimizing risk whilst neccessary and things like that, studying is obv how to approach that. This is just very cluttery and unclear still, so will probably spend the night reading up on how to set up the plan more concretely so i dont have to create one from scratch everyday.

No playing today, will review a few hands but focus more on reading. Back for a nice sunday session. GL heroes.

Its been not so great last few months, will keep this update somewhat brief. So a lot of rough irl stuff has happened this year, not to me directly but just about everyone around me it feels like, and its been pretty rough to see multiple people destroy themselves and others, not being able to do anythin gabout it. And i seemingly have just played more and more and really not done too hot, have i ran bad? Sure, have i done everything i can to optimize my grind? Nada. Thats fine, ive kind of fell on the right path, then off, on off on etc. Probably a bit more off than i realized, today i read this article and it hit me very hard (in a good way). Alot of stuff ive read this year has felt similar, but its so easy to get off track and after a while realize whats going on, or atleast think you do. So with sort of some new energy and zooming out a little bit i have made a plan for this week, i do not struggle in being logical about things after the fact, but i am impulsive and i feel like i sort of worked very "hard", which in itself is not a bad thing, but i definately feel like i sort of forgot why i was doing this at all and really was just escaping reality a bit too much and not doing what i can and am willing to do, which ironically is less.

So, til the end of this week i will:

- No weed
- Have a plan, day by day, for studying and playing. Am i playing? When? Am i studying? When? What?
- Set aside time daily to read, the book im reading now is atomic habits and i will not open another one until its done. (i have alot of kindle books w/25-30 pages read...)


The idea is to make a short plan every night for the next day, if i forget i have no choice, the day doesnt start without a plan. And the golden rule is never miss twice. Obviously never miss, but if I do, dont use it as an excuse to snowball bad behaviors/old habits. I could (and did in word..) list 100 things i want to deal with, which is kind of the issue lol. I need to just take action, and my main goal is to do that each day with these things. Being consistent is far, far, faaaaaar more important then putting in many hours or whatever. I really need to stop saying what i should do and just do something. I know habits dont form themselves, good ones that is, and bad ones wont just take a walk and leave, so instead of having a bunch of big goals (like the title ) that i can not feel any reward from in the present, i will focus on every single day this week taking action towards building healthier habits. I do not need to know every detail about everything and never do ****, i just need to take action. Then re-evaluate. But thats for later.

Here is an excellent article on self-awareness (maybe this doesnt click for everyone but there are plenty of excellent topics on his site and he also has a book which i am interested by but will ignore for now, i think its pretty cool when you read things that just connects and i like the idea of sharing a good podcast/article/book when i post so will try to keep that theme going!


https://markmanson.net/self-awareness

GL heroes

Enjoyed reading this thread man, GL.

Hi buddy!. How are you doing?.

I took a break from mtt's since some months ago, and i just wanted to win some motivation again, and came to read your thread! I see no updates. Would be nice to know about you!. Regards.

Tell us you still luv us plz.

Thank you buddy

Hi man, i appreciate the post! Motivation is useless, because its never there when we need it



Really mostly not posting due to not being able to shake the feeling of these posts being repetetive/boring etc. Besides that life has been on the rougher side the past few months with alot of **** going on, and this past month ive actually been playing cg mostly which has been an interesting experience. I am looking to get back to mtts on my own roll as soon as possible as thats where my is, and maybe ill take this thread up again.


Heres a super good podcast with Magnus Carlsen which i was very inspired by.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ElHa52f_bC8