Hello, Im creating this thread as an attempt to control my behavior towards my goals in poker. I intend to write about some other stuff in my life too, like my mental health, which is a big concern for some time. I don't know if I can mix writing about poker and life here, but feel free to delete the thread if it is against the rules. I also don't know if I can talk so openly about the subjects I intend to; but again, feel free to delete.

So, Im 27 from Brazil, obsessed with poker since a teenager (despite the obsession dropping really hard as I had some problems with my psychological health). However, I see poker as my best way out of my current unsatisfactory situation. I studied 2.5 half years of Psychology in a public university here in Brazil, which changed my life really hard in some ways. I dropped out in a semi-manic episode, fact that I regret, together with a lot of other ****. So, last few years I put some volume in poker, but without consistency. I don't have a job, never had and not sure if I will go that way. If I put remotely close the volume I intend to put, I can make way more money than in a regular job, one dollar is worth close to 5 BRL at the moment. Ideally (!), I would play 400 10 dollar regular spins a day, at 4% ROI, which would translate in 4800 dollars a month, which is waaay more than the average salary here. You might be asking: "How the **** you gonna put this volume", and I would answer that I don't have a ****ing life, poker is all I have and my biggest hope for a better life.

This turns me to the subject of my mental health. I've been dealing with social anxiety, suicidal and intrusive thoughts, mild depression, persecutory delusions and some very light level of OCD and some other light level ****. I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder but, as someone with a little knowledge about psychological theory, I dispute the necessity and precision of all these classifications. Again, if possible, I would like to write about poker, but also about my whole life; not sure if it is the place tho.

Im playing 1 dollar spins at the moment with a 1000 BI BRM (yes, that nit). However, I intend to moveup at very least to 10 dollar spins.

You guys can ask me anything, I will post some reflections frequently. Life has been, if not hard, pretty tricky till now.

In case my PC don't explode, I also have a twitch channel where I have the intention to stream 6 to 12h/day: twitch.tv/beers2, I may interact with you guys in chat since my spoken englando is even worse than written.

So, thats it, I hope I don't give up on this thread in two days. If it happens... gl all.

Graphs this year so far:

https://imgur.com/a/eIKmqks

Could a moderator please delete this thread? It was a personal experiment, but gone wrong. Caused me some insomnia and anxiety. When a mod see this, please delete. Thanks and all the best for all of you.

From your original post it seems like those issues were present before the thread, maybe the thread helps conquer or gain insight how to tackle these issues. I didn’t notice this thread right away but I will definitely follow and pop in here and there to talk a bit. Your journey seems very interesting and I know at least one person curious to read more about it.

I hope things work out in life and in poker, GL


FWIW I think it’s not easy to open up and express yourself. There’s obv some clowns and trolls around here but also some really brilliant minds that you might relate to and even find possible friendships/connections with that go through or have been through similar. Poker can be incredibly lonely and overwhelming.

Thanks for the kind and rational words dude. Not always easy or simple, but you definitely have a point.