This is where I lost trust in myself.
My intuition.
My “gut” feeling.
Y’all should know by now, the opinion that weighs me down the most is my own. The rest are just back ground noise that feed that negative train of thoughts to keep going. The perfectionism is built into me, sooo don’t worry I have it covered
I think honestly, it’s doubt in myself that holds me back. It’s the doubt that, I’m gonna be able to finish what I start. It’s the doubt that I’ll be able to handle failure if it comes.
It’s the feeling that I won’t be able to keep pushing through the hard **** to get to where I know I want to go. I can see in it my mind, the “I made it!” .. so why all this doubt, this fear, this .. what is it really?
That’s it, right there. The problem, The Lies.
Not the “me”.
The lie that keeps me in bed.
The lie that keeps me from doing the work that would get me to where I want to be.
The lie that covers me in a depression & dampens my light.
The lie that makes me isolate myself and makes me believe that I don’t make a difference.
The lie that tells me other people’s opinions somehow magically dictate to the person I am on the inside.
The lie that makes me believe that it’s impossible for “someone like me” to reach their dreams.
Yet reality is relative given that our perceptions of things dictate the way we experience our journey.
I’ve lived life with many perceptions, and still try to find new ones every way I can, because I know that my experience is only part of the “Whole” story.
The experience I have feeds into a much greater understanding in all of us. The more I learn myself & share that, the more that energy will be out there. The more synchronicity there will be given to it. The more I’ll pull the things I want towards me rather than those I wish to avoid.
The less those around me have to suffer
I think the moral of all this, to myself and anyone else this helps, is to be open to awareness. Be open to seeing the real you. Open to letting down the walls you’ve built to keep the real you a secret. Stop believing the thoughts in your head that are fundamentally not who you ‘want’ to be, stop giving the old you power to keep you from blossoming into a beautiful ‘new’ you.
Stop letting the negativity of this world dim your light the way I have for years, I hope you join me on this journey towards healing and self awareness. To be at peace with the fact that none of us are perfect, and most of us know what we want to change deep down inside even if we say we don’t. A lot of us just don’t know how, but you WANTING to know is where the life transition begins.
We can’t get rid of our feelings, they are in our biology- thank God -Because without our feelings, we wouldn’t have anything to experience right?
——————————————~~~~~———17—-
I have been through a whole lot here recently, and honestly it’s so much it would take me a couple hours to type it all out. I probably will tell what’s been going on, but long story short is I got super sick, went to the doctors after a few emergency visits for various things, and after months of tests every week, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. I was also diagnosed with panic disorder that has sudden onset without cause. So I’ve caved for the first time in my life and went to the doctor to get medicated.
They gave me Cymbalta for the fibromyalgia, and for the first time since I was 19, I don’t have pain all day that’s constant or that gets triggered by a plethora of causes.
The panic attacks we’re getting as bad as they were before CPS put my son in foster care. When they started getting worse, I knew therapy wasn’t enough for whatever episode I was going through. I also have a current open CPS investigation, so a breakdown now would probably be not so great, huh? :P So apparently the panic attacks were worse than even I thought and the pain was making my blood pressure and heart rate constantly high.
It’s was crazy to finally be able to think my own thoughts without having all these things trigger panic attacks without me even knowing why. My life has been extremely difficult being sick, but I never wanted to be “the sick girl” so I guess I always avoided a diagnosis. Used traveling for poker as an excuse for 6 years you know ~_~
Point is, CPS investigation is most likely gonna be closed as long as I’m able to keep my brain from losing control.
I am very proud that I faced a myriad of fears in order to get the help I needed. I am also proud that I’ve been very honest with what’s in my head and body with the doctors.
I have applied to disability with a lawyer and they seem confident in my application being approved, which I don’t know if I should be happy about or not.
I’ve been in a bit of a depression since the diagnosis, and have done what I can to focus outside of myself, yet I keep being pulled back into my head to just crawl is a hole.
I’ve been fighting it, don’t worry. I know it’s there, but also know the depression is not part of who I am, and is only part of my experience.
I’ve spoken about rewiring of the brain in this thread before, and have gotten a much better idea of how it all works & what helps most. The key is to “take the action” - “do the behavior” ~ without consideration of the feelings attached or the result of if it was done at all, done perfectly, or done horribly, only that there has been a plan of action out into place for your brain to begin to build a NEW neural pathway for that mew behavior you’re wanting to have. If this new path, this new behavior, interferes with the unwanted behavior, the neural pathways that were there for the unwanted behaviors will fade and that pathway is weaker by the opposing new behavior and pathway is enforced.
This is why it takes time to change behavior. Why we can want to be this person that seems galaxies away from the person we are and have it sometimes make us want to give up. But If we don’t give up, we WILL succeed.
But it’s on you and only you.
My success or failure depends on my ability to push through the parts of life I would rather not have to deal with, and to what extent I’m willing to sacrifice my old self and the behaviors of my old self, to become the new self that I want to be.
All will be well, we will keep fighting.
Poker has at least been kind to me lol