What’s been going on has absolutely nothing to do with being better organized. I am extremely organized. Being organized isn’t going to prevent my son from getting sick or prevent someone from giving me false information. It’s also not going to make it where driving 1.5 hours to and from work/daycare and also having to get a toddler to and from work with me, as well as make sure he is getting adequate sleep easier. I’m as organized as possible. I have been doing everything I can possibly do with the time I have and the circumstances I have had to handle.

I wake up 1.5 hours before I have to leave for work. I leave 1.5-2hrs before I have to be at work. It takes 45 minutes to get to the daycare, then another 20 minutes to get to work from the daycare. I work for on average 9 hours, I start work anywhere from 9:45am-11:30am, I get off between 7:30pm, and 8:30pm. I get home around 9:30-10pm. I get Malakai fed and bathed and in bed by 11-11:30pm. I have to wake him up between 7am-8:30am on days I work.

There is little room for my toddler throwing a fit and not wanting to do something. Little room for leaving something in the APT on the 3rd floor that’s a 5 minute walk from the closest parking spot. There is little room for going less than 75mph on the freeway, if there is even a little traffic, it makes a significant impact on my arrival time. There is little room for my son to get enough sleep at night, and I’ll be damned, if I’m cutting the little sleep he gets on work nights so I can be 5 minutes early.

My lease isn’t up until August, and my CPS case doesn’t close until June. I will have to travel to work with my son until then.

I’ve said before, none of this was an issue before my son came home because I only had to worry about myself. My son has been home for less than a month, he is 2 years old. He is adjusting to an entirely new routine, an entirely different life than he is use to, and he has been doing an amazing job. I’ve been doing an amazing job.

**** going wrong does not mean I am doing something wrong. I am not always the one responsible. Sometimes life and things are outside of my control. This is something that I am trying to learn and understand. I KNOW I am doing everything I can. I know there is nothing I can really do except for learn what is and isn’t working for me.

When it comes to work, and the travel, I’ve made it where my schedule is closer to noon so Malakai and I have more time between shifts and work. Since I’ve only had him for 3 weeks, obviously it has taken trial and error to figure out what shifts work best.

I’ve discussed issues with the daycare, I now have the proper information, so I won’t be having those issues.

I have made my own mistakes, because I had not seen it coming, as I have been o my responsible for myself for the last 9 months and I went from 2 hour community visits to having my son home all within a month so there was zero transition time to figure all this stuff out BEFORE he came home, so I have done what I can to figure it out with him home because I was never going to wait longer for him to come home. It would have probably helped, but I wanted him home.

As for organizational skills, I have alarms set for everything I need to do within a certain time frame, prep everything beforehand and make sure to minimize the stress of taking stuff my son needs by leaving most of his stuff in the car, taking breakfast with us, or putting his shoes in the bag and putting them on as I drop him off.

I don’t know why you assume that I need to be better organized? It seems an odd conclusion to come to given the things I’ve shared.

I thought that because you are experiencing preventable bank/insurance errors, and forgot whether it was 5 or 6 days, things that are stressing you out and presumably costing you money you can't afford. Your "head in the clouds" subject line is also a tell.

Didn't mean to piss you off. Have a good one.

The insurance lapsed because I was never notified of the payment being declined over 2 months ago. It’s always just been taken from my bank account. Had I of been contacted, I never would have had it lapse. I’m never late on any bills. I always pay my bills ahead of time and generally have 2 months paid at a time. The email was removed, and the payments were never pulled on a regular schedule, usually every two months it would hit my bank so I didn’t think it was a problem.

I never forgot whether it was 5 or 6 days for anything. I was told I could take my child to the daycare for 6 days, but only 5 were covered by the full time rate so I would have to pay the hourly drop in rate. I was given false information, that lead to many issues that had nothing to do with my error, or my inability to organize. Had I of gotten correct information when I was planning ahead, I never would have had my job at risk.

The reason I can not afford these minor disruptions in my finances at the moment, and the reason they are adding stress to my life, is because with each day the restrictions get more strict, and with each passing day I am looking at losing my job, as well as not having childcare since the daycares are also being closed along with schools. Each day, it is up in the air whether or not the poker room I work in stays open.

This blog was made almost 5 full years ago. When I made the blog, yes, I had my head in the clouds. But I am far from the person I was when I made this blog. But I understand the assumption.

And I’m far from pissed off. I’m simply clarifying for you since you seem to have misunderstood the things I was talking about. I get the feeling you haven’t read through the entirety of my thread, and probably have only just now stepped in. It’s all good.

I’m for the most part a very well put together person who spends enormous amounts of time thinking about and taking action towards bettering myself and learning from my mistakes.

The reason I share on here changes from post to post, but all in all, this is where I go to when I want to share about where I’m at in my life, and when things are going well, or not so well, so I can be an inspiration to other people who might be able to relate to the ups and downs of life and life in poker.

This virus and all its restrictions just cost me my job.

Please don’t listen to someone like VforVendetta-clearly they are ‘perfect’.

Listen, this virus situation is an absolute crisis worldwide and the timing is truly terrible for you and I’m deeply sorry. Everything you’ve explained, and again you do not owe ANYONE an explanation, ok? But with all you’ve faced-I am impressed with your measured and polite response because I, personally, wouldn’t be as gracious. Is there anyway that we can help? Because I don’t think I speak just for myself when I say that you are an inspiration and a fighter and I’d love to be able to help. Even to help brainstorm. Send groceries-whatever. Please just know that you aren’t alone and if you could think of a creative way we could help without giving any personal info to the creepers��.

all of the rooms here in Houston closed down tuesday by order of the mayors office--except for one small room technically outside of houston which said they dont sell alcohol so theyre exempt.

but it seems on poker atlas all the rooms in san antonio are still open, so why would u have lost the job? at least not for a few more days.

without a place open to play, its going to be impossible for me to make any money to cover the cost of my hotel every month til this ends.

Big surprise that this is what I'm dealing with as man offering constructive criticism to a woman in a thread that is subscribed to by women. You shouldn't get defensive when a stranger on the internet offers advice that could be helpful when you're making posts in your blog thread about how shitty your life has been lately. People like me interpret that as you soliciting advice.

My time is valuable to me. I get literally zero value from talking to you on the internet. I tried to help and I get rah rah rah girl power in response. I'm speaking mostly to Ann3 here, but so many of you things of the female variety are the same way - impossible to deal with.

Good luck on the job search, you might want to look into available government assistance asap.

Edit to add: It's not true that I get zero value, I get a sense of satisfaction from helping people when I can.

Edit to add: LOL "creepers." Only in the mind of a woman can a situation arise where another woman starts a thread seeking attention and then it's cool to auto-assume some of the attention is from "creepers" because some women don't like men hitting them with hard truths, and it's satisfying to the ego to assume that men in your periphery are creepy somehow.

Absolutely impossible to deal with.

Lol breathe.

This thread is not aimed towards a specific gender, and I don’t believe the audience of my thread is one gender or the other. I think the people drawn to my thread are more than likely just a compilation of people who relate to what I’m sharing about and cheer me on, as well as a compilation of people who I annoy and who generally are just here waiting for me to fail in all aspects. Both with spectrums, of course lol

I don’t understand where you get that I was not receiving you advice? I was just trying to curtail what wasn’t applicable by iterating what I already know.

None of my responses are intended to be defensive nor aggressive. I was only trying to have a conversation, as I have had with many people in this thread That’s how I am able to benefit most, is to talk about the way to implement the advice within my life, along with the other things I’ve already learned and currently implement so as to integrate them into a smooth working process and routine that I’m able to prioritize so it’s utilized in the most beneficial way.

You say “so many of you things” in your response. I’m wondering if this is a typo?

The “Edit” that follows this post about not getting any value out of talking to me on the internet: I assume this is you implying that I have nothing to offer you? I can assure you, if you were to actually take some time to read the previous 1,400 or so posts, your perspective might change.

The reason she is standing up for me has nothing to do with girl power. It’s actually one human supporting another human who is doing their best to improve their life. Supporting a person who 5 years ago, was at rock bottom and decided to let the whole world watch her wondering, “Will she sink or will she swim?”. Then, they watched as I overcame enormous obstacles and have settled into being a strong person that is given a million chances to give up, and doesn’t.

As for seeking attention, call it what you will lol I feel like everyone seeks attention, some are just better at getting it

I appreciate you and your advice, it was never my intention to invalidate your feelings or to curtail you from wanting to add to the value of this thread.

Just because I don’t feel like I would gain much more benefit from the topics you referenced, doesn’t mean there is someone else out there that could significantly use this information about grasping the importance of better time management.

I’ve done absolutely everything to manage my time, because if I don’t, I would literally not be able to survive my life the way it currently is.

I’ve had to do significant amounts of studying and search high and low for ways to manage being a single mom of a toddler, that works full time, has multiple responsibilities regarding a CPS case, travels an average of 150 miles a day, sometimes more. Toddlers are super slow btw lol so all the little bits of extra time I had are filled with trying to teach a human how to not hurt himself lol

Sincerely wish you the best and hope you continue to follow along with/add to this thread

I hope you and your son are doing well. We are missing the updates. Just checking in

Hey, the last few weeks have been a blur.

I’ve spent the majority of my time on the phone trying to figure out how to counter the financial disaster that the virus has caused, and spending time with my son who is having a horrendous time adjusting to our new life.

I have been on the phone 2-3 times a day trying to find a therapist for Malakai and arrange an ECI evaluation to follow up since his first one that qualified him for services was weeks after he was removed and while he was traumatized from the separation, which even then he barely qualified for services. When I read the evaluation, things he had easily done prior to removal, he wasn’t doing, so I never agreed with the evaluation but didn’t fight the therapy because I 100% agreed that would benefit him, even if not for what they were giving it to him for.

I have been helping him learn healthier coping habits when he gets upset, but he also hits himself and hurts himself when he’s not upset, or at least he isn’t visibly upset when he does it. This morning he whopped his head so hard on the carpet that he has carpet fiber imprint blood spots on his forehead.

I have finally gotten in touch with a behavioral therapist, he now also has a behavioral health coordinator, and they will be helping me help him get better and to teach me how to minimize the damage he does to himself.

The new therapist has a brother who plays poker, and she had tons of cars in her office when we did FaceTime today, so it appears she is a perfect fit for understanding the passions of both my son and I! Lol

I will say, that he is doing much better since I’ve been working with him even without the direction of a therapist, so I am confident he will be able to learn and adjust with all the support I’m able to give him, with all this down time that allows 24/7 interaction, and a therapist to guide us in behavioral therapy.

On the financial aspect, it’s been hard but I’ve been doing well. I have been approved for food stamps, and had my tax return deposited into my bank account today which I used to pay rent only 10 days late instead of an entire month. I had worked out a payment plan with my leasing office and am happy I was able to pay the rest 2 weeks before they expected.

I am also immensely blessed to get the news today that the card house I work for, and the amazing boss I have, was approved for the payroll loan and I will start receiving payroll checks again next week. This gives me the relief from a great deal of stress I have had.

Currently on the last few pages of my favorite book “awareness” by Anthony De Mello, and it has been life changing mentally as it is every time I read it. The first time I read it was in the summer I got sober, and it opened my mind up to a plethora of new perspectives, and I am hoping to be able to “Wake Up” again, and to be able to feel the passion for writing I’ve had in years past prior to my sister passing and all of the stuff I’ve been through these last couple years.

It sometimes feels like my creativity is locked inside a room in my brain. I know it’s there, but it’s hidden and unreachable. So I am also using this time to do whatever I can to improve my thinking and to repair any damage I’ve suffered through my trauma and just haven’t had the downtime to do it.

It’s crazy, to be 3 weeks into quarantine and to feel completely blessed. Overwhelmingly so. I pray everyday that this passes and we are able to heal from this. I know life will never be the same, we will never be the same. I just pray that we are able to grow stronger as individuals and as a world.

There are a lot of people who are suffering, and I feel like a lot of people who may not have known they were suffering with mental health issues, may be struggling with them now.

I had a conversation with my own therapist because I had started to get sick, and forget to eat, and had been struggling with severe nausea and headaches. I talked through the last agoraphobic episode I had back in 2016, I locked myself away and played piker online and stayed away from people for a good 6-8 months. I had a mental block and couldn’t leave the house, would have a panic attack just thinking about leaving the house. This agoraphobic episode also triggered the worst anorexic episode I’ve ever had in my entire life. I lost 30lbs in a month, and was physically ill and unable to gain any weight back because my body couldn’t digest food.

So I say all this to my therapist, and she tells me this eye opening thing.

She says that when we suffer from traumatic experiences, and we go through extreme stress, our bodies can disconnect from our brain. Which often happens with eating disorders.

The interesting thing is, I’ve been doing well in recovery from my ED and no longer struggle with body image issues. I didn’t understand why my body was acting as if I was in an ED relapse.

So she told me, that when your brain disconnects from your body, your body can be triggered by situations that mimic trauma, and your brain can’t tell it that nothing is wrong because of the disconnect.

So because of the quarantine, my body is reacting to being stuck in the house and isolated by assuming that I’m in an episode when I’m not. It’s ****ing crazy.

She told me to try and meditate to reconnect my body and mind. To re-establish the communication between body and mind. So I did. And my body has started to recover. I’m able to eat again without feeling sick, and my level of stress has been decreasing. The anxiety that was high the first week has begun to be normalish again, and I’m starting to feel more relaxed.

The main point I’m trying to make, is that everyone in the world is experiencing trauma right now. We will all be reacting to it as differently as we are different. It is imperative that we focus on our mindset and remain intact psychologically. It is imperative that we are willing to admit that we don’t have control over our response to the trauma, and by doing so we can all find ways to cope through it and stay sane.

I pray for everyone who is reading this to reach out to me if you need someone to talk to. If you need support or a friend, I will be here for you.

Wish you the best

Thank you so much for sharing. Your words brought tears of joy to my eyes-to hear the awareness and growth you are expressing is just......amazing. Inspiring. So so so thankful you both are doing as ‘ok’ as possible, the news of the small business help and the wonderful and insightful therapist. YOU ARE AN INSPIRATION. And so is your little boy-if anyone can help him learn his body and how to cope...it’s you. Never ever give up because you are a survivor!!

That is great that you'll be receiving checks! Things are difficult but you are doing the best you can and with all that is on your shoulders it is pretty amazing. I do wish you luck moving forward

So I played some on a poker app these last few weeks, got all in on flop with middle set and mini wrap against two super loose players that both flushed me on the river last night lol that was fun. I like the app, it lets you peel cards and fling chips, never used an app like that before.

Anyway, this quarantine is really messing with my agoraphobia for obvious reasons. I can barely bring myself to take the trash out, it comes and goes every few days. The one thing that is my worst enemy is fear of leaving the house, and I just have all kinds associated with the way life is now. Fighting it best I can, best I can do is be aware of it.

Good news, my son has settled and is being less aggressive towards himself. The head banging has all but stopped (yay!) and he’s back to a routine which has helped significantly along with the behavioral therapy. We do sessions outside with a dog to play too and he loves it.

We start phase one of reopening tomorrow, and phase 2 is supposed to be scheduled for may 18th for bars and nightclubs, card rooms are supposed to be in phase 2 as well. So if all goes well, Texas poker should be back on by mid to late may.

Kinda crazy to be living through all this, but if my experience and life has taught me anything, this is something that will inevitably make us stronger. Regardless of how difficult this all is, I can almost guarantee there is an opportunity for growth during this time in one way or another.

Whether we learn to develop healthy coping skills, increase our level of discipline, practice mindfulness and learn to observe ourselves and our “emotional reactions” without judgment so we can become more aware of the ego we’ve attached ourselves to, make up for lost time with those closest to us, or just learn to be grateful for all that we have by realizing how much we have to lose at any given moment.

There are so many things to be taken from this time, so many different perspectives to have, and if you ‘choose’ to have a perspective of hope, gratitude, and revelation, it becomes an opportunity rather than a punishment.

Happiness and peace is relative to the way you choose to look at things. When you observe your life as is, with its vast ability to be absolutely anything, rather than becoming attached to the emotions that create negative experience, your life can change instantaneously.

This is but a chapter, and there will be an end, and the hope for a new beginning and all that it will bring, has infinite possibilities

Thanking youuu

Hi there. Long time lurker to your blog but don't think I have posted.

Hope you are ok and the craziness isn't affecting you too much. Have the poker rooms in Texas opened up yet?

All the best to you and your child.

I hope things are going well for you.

Imo you should just keep grinding online. The lockdown has attracted so many new recreational players to the field such that online poker has never been softer in the past 5 years.

But whatever path you choose, I wish you the best of luck.

I’m doing good! It’s honestly been a very eye-opening experience and I’ve been beyond grateful for the time I’ve had with Malakai after missing out on so much. I think the amount of healing we’ve both had over the last two months would have been impossible if not under these exact circumstances oddly enough (^_^)

A lot of the poker rooms have opened up over the last week or so, some of them had to close or sell during the quarantine. I’m not sure when I’ll be on the schedule, but SA Card House is opening June 1st. Think they’ll all be 6 handed, with the rare few at 7 handed. Some have mandatory masks and some have them optional for players but mandatory for dealers. Most are all following the same guidelines, and some are doing different stuff or stretching the guidelines. I think since everything has been pretty smooth since we’ve been opening, almost everything is open. We’ll have to just wait and see how it all plays out over the next couple months concerning room capacity and such.

And thank you for the well wishes! Always love to hear from those who read, gives me more motivation to keep posting when I feel myself drifting away from it

Thank you, I’ve been getting by for the most part, I actually think next month will be the hardest of them all. Will have the most uncertainty.

And yes, I think I’m gonna stick to online. I’ve been playing 1/2 NLH in a club on poker bro’s last few weeks but honestly haven’t put in a ton of volume because it’s hard to navigate with the toddler 24/7 and I’m usually so exhausted it’d be a bad idea to play even if I have the time lol

Luckily, daycare opened up last week and I am currently in the process of arranging for Malakai to go back to full time daycare, that’ll give me plenty of time for a nap and time to grind during the day. I’m hoping that once I’m able to play some solid sessions I’ll be able to make enough by mid-June to be able to relax.

It’s funny, I’ve noticed that the apps are much different play wise than they are on the websites. I’ve never actually played on an app, so it’s been a little bit of an adjustment. It’s also quite the adjustment to switch from live PLO to app NLH. I never realized why NLH players made fun of PLO players playing NLH until I went this whole last year playing and dealing only Big O/PLO and switching back. A lot of the way I’m thinking about hands is more PLO, so I’m having to go over my HH to see where I’m still playing NLH like PLO. It’s been fun, it’s given me a motivation towards Holdem that I though was gone forever. If any of THAT makes sense lol! Hope you are well too!

rooms here in Houston have been open a long time, surprised your room hasnt reopened. the main room, still is 7 handed, but some of the others quickly went to 8 and 9. lots of people quit wearing the optional masks. the girl Mel who deals at 52 reminds me a lot of u, i had to make sure she wasnt u by asking her, and no she wasnt. im sure she would be a friend if she knew u though.

We opened this past week at 8 handed. I’m hoping to be back on the schedule on the 15th when my sons daycare opens up! The protocols are different in each city which is why everything opened up at different times. But I’m happy to be able to go back to work soon

Great news you're able to go back! Casinos just opened up here in Vegas, people were ready to gamboool

So some crazy **** happened with an ex a few days ago.

In a previous conversation he had asked if I was looking for work. I told him I was employed and not in need of money. He insisted that he didn’t want to have the conversation on text, so I figured it had to do with maybe working in an underground game so I let him come over to talk about whatever was so important. This is where I made a huge mistake.

Due to previous attempts on his part to try to hook up with me via text, and me denying his advances, I made it clear that the topic of conversation wasn’t even on the table. I was really proud of myself for being able to establish my boundaries and not waiver even though he attempted to be manipulative once he came over. He did not respect my boundaries, and because he kept asking me what my feelings were towards him, I got uncomfortable fast.

Every time he would ask me something, I would blurt out something messed up that either he, or another recent ex, had done to me since moving to Austin. The guy I dated after him was even more horrendous than he was. I was in full on word vomit mode. I had no idea why I was confessing these things to him, they weren’t any of his business, and I honestly didn’t “want” to be sharing any of it. I just wanted him to leave, but he wouldn’t no matter how many times I asked. I was anxious and didn’t really know what to do.

Then came the question: “Would you sleep with someone if they paid you?” And my response was: “My ex raped me.”

I was frozen in disbelief at that very moment, realizing I had suppressed what had happened to me and that was the first time I was able to say those words out loud since it happened.

He immediately became irate. He was yelling from my balcony at 1am while I begged him to be quiet. He demanded me repeat those words that had taken months for me to even come to terms with. I was reliving the experience all over again, frantically trying to push it back out of my mind. Begging him to leave it alone as he said he questioned the legitimacy of my statement. Saying things like “I’ve known him my whole life! If it happened, why didn’t you tell anyone!”

All I could think was of how shameful I felt. That was how that relationship ended, that’s ‘why’ it ended. I had suppressed it so deep so I didn’t have to come to terms with it happening. And here he was, making me feel so small, making the man who did this out to be a saint, when I knew who he really was.

As I started to cry, I begged him to leave. He kept asking to hug me, and I said I didn’t want to be touched. As he violated my boundaries by hugging me anyway, I just kept asking him to leave. He refused many times on the grounds of “I’m worried about what you’re gonna do if I leave” as if I was somehow going to let this break me again.

I finally got him to leave, and he kept texting to come back. I just wanted to go to sleep.

I sat there thinking everything over, having a new perspective on why I fell apart at the end of last year. I was a wreck, and was miserable. I had suppressed what had happened so much that I just thought my pain was from not having my son with me. I acted out and burned so many bridges, and didn’t even know why myself. The few people I did tell, had no idea how bad it was effecting me. I was destroying myself.

Honestly if I hadn’t of started therapy when I did, there’s a good chance I wouldn’t have recovered emotionally from what happened to me. I didn’t realize how much pain I was in. My therapist has very well saved my life in more ways than I can count.

Then the entire situation took a nasty turn really quickly. A few days after I had this conversation with him, he hit me up on Facebook messenger. I edited the cuss words out and the name of the person I told him to pay(in context):







I posted these to Facebook, as everyone knows who he is and he’s screwed over a lot of people. I had friends reach out to see how I was doing, and to talk to me. I sent all of the messages to a friend who wanted to tell the person he was with, of all the conversations where he approached me and I refused his advances.

Then I see this that he posted:



The amount of pain this has caused me has been significantly traumatic. He received so much backlash for what he did. He was kicked out and had to go back to his mothers. He wound up deleting the post and posting an apology, as if what he said and did could be taken back.

I wound up spending the entire day with the woman he has been with, who he has caused so much suffering between the 2 of us, having each other hate each other for almost 2 years now because of his lies and manipulation. He tried to tell her that I was trying to break them up so I could be with him, and that it wasn’t true. She had all the evidence, and made her own choice. And through all of this, we were able to bond and become friends and are able to support each other.

It’s taken me a few days to grasp everything that has happened, but above all, this horrendous experience has brought healing into my life. I now understand what I was going through. I understand how much I’ve really healed over these last 8 months. I am proud of being able to go through this, stay sober, and although I’m shaken, I’m still standing.

I had a dream yesterday about pulling a never ending thread of cotton from my throat. At one point, I chose to accept that it was there, sever the tie, and swallow what was remaining and move on. I could feel happiness after I did this in my dream.

I looked up the meaning of that, and the psychological interpretation is that i had things I needed to say deep in my subconscious but had been keeping them in. The dream represents releasing those things, and speaking about them.

I keep asking myself “What else do I need to heal from?” And praying for the ability to accept my past and to heal from the trauma I’ve been through. I think that, for a long time, I was afraid to feel anything. I was afraid to accept being powerless over things other people did to me, because I didn’t understand how I could still love myself if other people didn’t. I’m learning that, having love for myself gives me the power to heal. I’m learning that, bad feelings serve a purpose to teach me something about myself, and that it’s ok to have them. It’s ok to be in pain, and to feel hurt. I’m learning that I don’t have to let those emotions control me, or dictate my behaviors.

I really hope this helps someone. I don’t know who, and I don’t know how, but I hope sharing this experience gives you hope to keep going. To let you know, that no matter how bad you feel right now, it is possible to heal and it is totally possible to love yourself. I didn’t know that for a really long time, and I’m so grateful I do now.

Bless y’all

I saw! I heard the rooms are practically free there right now? Good luck!

Dude sounds like a real piece of **** sorry excuse for a human. Hopefully he learns from his encounter with you not to be such a POS in the future and I hope you move on and don't let this bring you down. Good luck with everything!