Back to back hair follicle tests. Third one in 6 months. Cried like a baby after the one I got today because now I have a bald spot in the back of my head. The lady says “you can’t see it”. That doesn’t mean it’s not ****ing there.

So I’m losing my ****.

There is no way they can make me take this many hair follicle tests, 2 of them within a month of each other.

I don’t even know what to do. I feel insanely violated.

Is it not possible for them to take your saliva, blood or something?

Perhaps you could try a haircut that takes advantage of the missing hair in that area.

So, I have done really good with my temper since the poor reaction I had about the hair follicle test.

I did apologize.

I have taken a back seat on this case, trying my best to just focus on being with Malakai.

I am back at ATX Card House and feel super happy about that. I honestly have the best boss in the world, and I love all my co-workers. They’ve missed me for the time I’ve been gone, and I feel much more appreciated.

It’s ironic really, I went in to another card house for an audition to get another dealing job, and even picked up a few shifts at an underground game. I started running like dog doo after I quit/fired/took time off from ATX, but luckily paid most of my bills a few months ahead before this happened so had a little time to recoup.

So after I was approved for the new card house, I went to pick my check up from ATX. When I walk in Bud is like “Hey, so I never fired you, you quit. You definitely needed some time off but if you want back on the schedule I’m not mad at you.”

I was surprised as ****, and happily asked to be back on the schedule.

I’m doing well in therapy and IOP, it’s been helping a lot with learning how to manage my emotions and reactions when I get triggered. I’ve been really happy recently, and when I do get triggered, I’ve been able to reroute my thinking in order to cope through better.

So, also news, is I’m running my first tournament ever next Monday.

They wanted to do a tournament on a day we’re usually closed, but since we’ll be closed the 24th & 25, we are gonna run. No one could really come up with what the tournament was gonna be, and I usually make our flyers for advertising so I got to thinking, and they accepted the idea, and I developed the details for it to. So here it is:

6-Max single reentry bounty tournament

20k SS
$75 buy in ($50 pool -$25 bounty)
there is a $25 club access fee.

Dealer tips will be $5-5K, $10-10k and at end of registration, a double dealer tip $20-20k

One time 5K extra in chips per ATX Card House merchandise worn.

$50 add on at end of registration for 30k in chips

Blinds will follow the BBA structure, which will make the first level after registration ends 500/1000/1000

You’ll be able to buy in for a healthy 20bb if just SS, or up to 70bb

Also will have a no-chop until money bubble rule :P


I have never run a tournament, but have played a ton, so I hope I do well!

You still have a cute eyeball if that is your picture. Sounds like your life going in the right direction. Playing poker, dealing now running tournaments. Your going to do mollys game part 2 huh? I think your a little to hard on yourself. We all make a ton of mistakes but its good cause we learn from them and become wiser. Anyone has a problem with my mistakes I just show them my middle finger and tell them to do something about it and that ends that conversation. If they aren't helpful they are wasting time your time. Just be around people that help you through your mistakes and not beat you down over them and I think you will enjoy life a lot more especially when it comes to work and dealing with a boss.

There's some good advice here but I don't recommend flipping people off as your go-to move when criticised about an error you made, especially if it's your boss.

Lol I’ve actually not flipped out on anyone, and I don’t flip anyone off

I handle most of my issues fine, and I don’t get mad about being criticized. Nothing I’ve gotten upset about is about being criticized, I take CONSTRUCTIVE criticism well.

I usually only get upset when I get triggered, which is why only since working in therapy to learn how to cope with my PTSD, have I learned to control my temper.

Took me a long time to find the root of my anger, as I’ve been in denial about how bad my trauma was for a long time. Abuse became normal in my life, and although I knew it wasn’t right, I didn’t know that the years of abuse had created a well of rage inside me that burst every time I encountered similar situations that reminded me of my abuse.

I’ve learned how to let myself feel feelings, instead of hiding behind my anger for protection. Instead of being fearful of my vulnerabilities, I’ve learned to accept them and appreciate that part of myself.

I guess the thing that’s always confused me about my anger the most, was that it seemed uncontrollable. And the fear of losing control, is what in actuality, kept me angry.

It’s one of those weird paradoxes that took me a long time to understand, but I’m a lot more level now that I’ve begun to slowly understand it all

**** the holidays.

This is so sad. Hitting on strange girls online is a weird and ineffective mating strategy if that is your endgame here. Or maybe you just like the attention of cute girls anyway you can get it. You're making yourself look dumb while validating the ego of a human being who probably has it validated more often than she deserves or maybe even likes.

Epic fail all around. I'm not trying to dis OP I'm just trying to educate a wayward fellow member of my gender. I at least assume that account is being operated by a man based on the post.

It’s crazy how alone I feel sometimes.

Today I found out that my Great Aunt passed away. She was one of the only people who gave me nothing but happy and positive memories in my childhood. Never once got mad at me. Never attempted to punish me. She loved me and taught me.

I haven’t spoken to her in a couple years, and was caught off guard by her death. I’ve tried to avoid all the “bad” in my family, and have many times also avoided the good.

Today, I can’t think of a single person I feel safe letting see me vulnerable enough to cry about how painful this loss is to me.

I feel completely alone.

And it’s crazy, because I’m surrounded by so many people.

I’ve been told by numerous people that they have seen a huge improvement with how I handle my emotions and reactions to unexpected circumstances. But this one, has caught me off guard. Wasn’t prepared.

I’m angry and sad all at the same time.

I have to admit, I don’t feel like I have any actual friends. I don’t have anyone I feel safe being vulnerable and expressing myself to.

I’m anxious.

When I get anxious, my mind starts playing tricks on me. Makes me spiral into paranoia. I don’t want to believe the paranoia, but it’s pervasive.

I’m at work and I just want to crawl into a whole and hide.

It’s been a super stressful few weeks, and today is no different.

My son is close to coming home. I’ve requested a permanency conference to re-evaluate the timeline until he comes home. He should be home in the next 2 months. And as happy as I am, I’m ****ing scared. I’m afraid I’m gonna **** it all up again. Afraid I’m gonna fall apart. Afraid I’m gonna fail as a mother and lose him all over again.

I have no one to talk to about this. Everyone wants to tell me how my son will be home soon, thinking that’s the cure all the how desperately dejected I’ve been feeling, but it only amplifies my anxiety. I have a hard time explaining how I feel, because I’m afraid of being judged, and people judge me enough already.

I don’t know. I’m in my feels this week.

Don't judge yourself for how you feel.
If you feel vulnerable, it's because you haven't accepted a part of yourself, and you should, because you're simply human

This is obviously something I need to bring to my therapist.. never thought of it like that..

These thoughts in my head,
I can’t pretend,
That I can defend,
My sanity.

They’re lying to me,
Breaking me,
Making me pull away.

My reality,
Isn’t right you see,
I get lost in my head.

I get lost in my head.

I fight it,
Try to see the light in it,
The dark tunnel that I live in.
It’s not easy,
To be uneasy,
To be my own worst enemy.

Some days are good,
Some days are bad,
But I always end up back here.

Full of fear,
Full of pain,
Full of “never good enough”, again.

It’s simple to push people away,
To keep to myself and pray,
Hoping that one day,
I won’t feel this way.

Grunching but I didn't view that as him trying to pick her up. Seemed more like a campy compliment coming after OP talked about being stressed out about possible losing hair.

Maybe I'm wrong though.

Done grunching. Agree you shouldn't judge yourself for how you feel.

The holidays are a very stressful time of year in general. Happy to hear your on track for your son coming back.

Hard to imagine you're really alone without someone to talk to. I could be mistaken and you may have already tried it but I'd be surprised if there weren't support groups just to have other people to talk to who can understand.

So it’s in discussion to move my visitation from 2hr community visits to 3 hr in home visits sooner than is scheduled.

I’ve made some really great improvements over the last 2 months with managing my triggers. DBT therapy has been a God send quite literally.

I’ve learned how to recognize when I’m having flashbacks, I guess I always knew I had them, but would dissociate when I had them so much that I wouldn’t realize WHEN I was having them.

For the first time in my life, I know when I’m having a flashback and am able to differentiate between current reality and my flashbacks.

This is super huge. I literally never thought I would ever be able to be normal and that I would be trapped in my trauma brain helplessly for my entire life.

I’m different now. I am more stable. I still have flashbacks and panic attacks, those are gonna happen. But now I’m able to stay in control and stay present, instead of getting lost.

I’m hoping to have my son home by his birthday on March 2nd.

Work has been complicated and stressful recently. I’m overwhelmed with all the paperwork and responsibilities with no one to really lean on about it.

But I’m doing alright, it’s getting better.

Haven’t been playing, haven’t really wanted to.. been so busy and stressed so have taken time off.

Here’s to hoping for a better year than last year

Hi. Jumping in this thread w/o having read much of it, but I wish you the best w/recovery from abusive and neglectful parenting and with getting your son back.

Do you do 12-step meetings at all? I've found a lot of good people to reach out to there. Definitely gotta watch out for 13-steppers tho, especially being a female.

Sounds like you are doing some DBT therapy so that's good.

GL w/everything.

Thank you it’s a 5 year long thread, lots of life & poker stuff in it, lots of growing and healing too. I was in AA in 2016, and it helped me get sober, but I had a core group of people that I got attached to and when I moved from Florida I couldn’t find another group that I was comfortable in so I stopped going. Every now and again I’ll go to a meeting, but there are a lot of tendencies AA people have that I don’t agree with and the meetings aren’t as helpful as the used to be.

The DBT therapy has been crucial for me, and it’s helped a lot. I have been working on rebuilding some of the relationships I detached from while isolating myself after my son went into foster care, so hoping that I can get better at reaching out to my support instead of getting lost in my thoughts

You're doing great. Being stressed about your son coming home is totally understandable. But you're a mother lion, you got this.

Been following for awhile but never posted. I just wanted to say first, how much I admire you and your vulnerability (made me think of Brene brown and her books in it) and the hard work and love you’ve given to your son and getting him back. I’ll keep on following and truly am in awe.

It’s official. Just met with my lawyer and Malakais lawyer. Malakai will be home for good on February 28th

I also started a new job at SA Card House in San Antonio. It’s about an hour commute from where I live in South Austin, but will most likely be moving closer to San Antonio when my lease is up in August.

It’s crazy to think about how much I’ve been through in this last year. And it’s crazy to think about how much everything has changed.

I’ll admit, as strong as it seems like I have been, I have easily fallen apart many times. I have completely lost my ****, burned bridges, treated people like ****, been selfish, and have done things I regret.

For those who truly know my story, the trauma I’ve been through is extensive. I have had chronic trauma since I was born. I have experienced things that I don’t talk about, that no one even knows.

The life experience I’ve had, gave me what my therapist calls “chronic PTSD”. As a result, my brain is no longer “normal”, it now operates as what is known as a “trauma brain”. Wired to respond to life in a completely different way than most brains.

As a result, the way I experience life and the way I think about every day things are different.

I’ve been in DBT therapy for the last few months, twice a week. This therapy was developed for personality disorders, which is similar to the way chronic PTSD effects the brain. We’re talking thinking patterns.

This therapy has helped me more than I ever could have imagined. It’s changed my life. I’ve never been so committed to healing as I became with my son being taken from me. It took losing him for me to realize how damaged I had become. It’s been a fight this entire time, and a fight worth fighting for both him and myself.

I am still working on me, and still have my faults. I’m harder on myself than anyone else has ever been, and I’m working on that too.

For a long time I used my history of trauma as an excuse to be the way I was. I used my pain as an excuse to not believe in God. I used my suffering as a reason to stay the same.

Because, what could I ever be if I’m not my trauma?

This last year has pushed me to change. It was change my thinking and behavior, or lose my son forever. It wasn’t a choice for me, I knew I wanted to change. I love my son more than anything in this world. But it wasn’t that easy.

After court on December 3rd I had a meltdown. I was certain I’d never get my **** together, that I would never be “normal”. That my panic attacks would never stop. That my anger would never subside. I was so sure I would never get my son back.

By the grace of God, that meltdown brought me to a new level of mindfulness.

In the following weeks, I began to understand myself, and stopped hating myself for everything I’ve ever done wrong in my life. I started to accept Gods forgiveness, and with his forgiveness, I began to forgive and love myself.

The change was so drastic, in such a short amount of time, it feels almost unreal.

I know it’s real because, although I still lose my ****, for the first time in my life, I can go weeks without losing it. I’ve learned how to cope through my flashbacks. I’ve learned how to think through my panic attacks. I’ve learned how to accept my pain and move on from it.

I’m not perfect, I’m not all the way healed. I have lost my **** a few times, but there are also times where I fully expected to lose my **** and I didn’t. This is progress.

I am stressed, and scared, and nervous about losing it. I know how bad I was, and how bad it can be for me, and that knowing is in my head. That knowing is motivation to keep healing. That knowing send me to God, praying for peace, for forgiveness, for wisdom and for love.

This experience I’ve had with my son being in foster care is a perfect example of growing through the struggle. Of becoming a better person regardless of the circumstances. Of being able to heal from any pain, no matter how painful.

So although you may be going through something different than what I’m going through, just know that you can get through it just like I have. You can heal, even if you don’t think you can. You are worthy of being loved, even if you don’t think you are.

God will move mountains to bring you to your promised land, if you go to him, believe in him, and trust in him.

I appreciate you

Played poker for the first time in months.

1/2/5 PLO

In for $200, +$336

It was a short session.

Ended Bc I had T397 on 33T/QQJ Bomb Pot and couldn’t bring myself to call/pot

Stood up and did to the whole table after the Pot was chopped between 2 players I woulda scooped “scared money don’t make money”.

Been so long since I’ve played, mainly Bc PLO doesn’t run anywhere in Texas that I can get to/haven’t had the time with working to get my son back, BUT, I will say.. I am happy with booking a solid win. Played for a little over 2 hours, and it will help me pay my bills this month.

So much is going on, I feel like having a move to San Antonio from Austin with my son In the near future is gonna open a lot of doors.

It’s like a whole new chapter of my life is opening up.

August will be 7 years since poker became the prominent factor in my life, and y’all can read through 5 years of it.

Sometimes I can’t believe how much I’ve changed, but I am grateful every damn day because, this life of mine could have never made it this far.

I’m a grinder, through and through. In ALL the ways possible.

****, if I can do this, I know anyone can.

We might be on winning tilt, but **** it. Chase those dreams and become who you need to be to reach them.

Blazin Out

Actually it was a good laydown. If somebody with 3JBB got it heads up with you, you would have put in 500+ to win ~40, and they would have been seriously freerolling you. Hell, a K had you beat. Your gutshot on the other board isn't worth much. wp

I appreciate the feed back.

I talked to my friend and ran down all the bad ways that hand could have turned bad. Mainly thinking since it was a Bomb Pot, my boat couldn’t withstand additional action and there were more bad turn cards for me than good ones, so I definitely agree with what you said. And I wasn’t even thinking for the other board, looked at it like I couldn’t scoop, and my hand couldn’t improve so I just folded.

Even more so I’m happy I left the session since my thought process during/after that hand was skewed. I saw I woulda won, had a pang of regret, and snap racked my chips as soon as my brain went to being results oriented. Feel like that’s poker suicide and one of my rules is to never be results oriented, so definitely a red flag to get out lol

It’s been months since I played live, played a little online but not much. Haven’t had the time. But, I’m starting to study again slowly, and thinking about the game again which I haven’t been doing because I had so much other stuff on my mind.

Happy that my life is going more steady now, and I have a lot more peace than I’ve had in awhile