It’s official. Just met with my lawyer and Malakais lawyer. Malakai will be home for good on February 28th
I also started a new job at SA Card House in San Antonio. It’s about an hour commute from where I live in South Austin, but will most likely be moving closer to San Antonio when my lease is up in August.
It’s crazy to think about how much I’ve been through in this last year. And it’s crazy to think about how much everything has changed.
I’ll admit, as strong as it seems like I have been, I have easily fallen apart many times. I have completely lost my ****, burned bridges, treated people like ****, been selfish, and have done things I regret.
For those who truly know my story, the trauma I’ve been through is extensive. I have had chronic trauma since I was born. I have experienced things that I don’t talk about, that no one even knows.
The life experience I’ve had, gave me what my therapist calls “chronic PTSD”. As a result, my brain is no longer “normal”, it now operates as what is known as a “trauma brain”. Wired to respond to life in a completely different way than most brains.
As a result, the way I experience life and the way I think about every day things are different.
I’ve been in DBT therapy for the last few months, twice a week. This therapy was developed for personality disorders, which is similar to the way chronic PTSD effects the brain. We’re talking thinking patterns.
This therapy has helped me more than I ever could have imagined. It’s changed my life. I’ve never been so committed to healing as I became with my son being taken from me. It took losing him for me to realize how damaged I had become. It’s been a fight this entire time, and a fight worth fighting for both him and myself.
I am still working on me, and still have my faults. I’m harder on myself than anyone else has ever been, and I’m working on that too.
For a long time I used my history of trauma as an excuse to be the way I was. I used my pain as an excuse to not believe in God. I used my suffering as a reason to stay the same.
Because, what could I ever be if I’m not my trauma?
This last year has pushed me to change. It was change my thinking and behavior, or lose my son forever. It wasn’t a choice for me, I knew I wanted to change. I love my son more than anything in this world. But it wasn’t that easy.
After court on December 3rd I had a meltdown. I was certain I’d never get my **** together, that I would never be “normal”. That my panic attacks would never stop. That my anger would never subside. I was so sure I would never get my son back.
By the grace of God, that meltdown brought me to a new level of mindfulness.
In the following weeks, I began to understand myself, and stopped hating myself for everything I’ve ever done wrong in my life. I started to accept Gods forgiveness, and with his forgiveness, I began to forgive and love myself.
The change was so drastic, in such a short amount of time, it feels almost unreal.
I know it’s real because, although I still lose my ****, for the first time in my life, I can go weeks without losing it. I’ve learned how to cope through my flashbacks. I’ve learned how to think through my panic attacks. I’ve learned how to accept my pain and move on from it.
I’m not perfect, I’m not all the way healed. I have lost my **** a few times, but there are also times where I fully expected to lose my **** and I didn’t. This is progress.
I am stressed, and scared, and nervous about losing it. I know how bad I was, and how bad it can be for me, and that knowing is in my head. That knowing is motivation to keep healing. That knowing send me to God, praying for peace, for forgiveness, for wisdom and for love.
This experience I’ve had with my son being in foster care is a perfect example of growing through the struggle. Of becoming a better person regardless of the circumstances. Of being able to heal from any pain, no matter how painful.
So although you may be going through something different than what I’m going through, just know that you can get through it just like I have. You can heal, even if you don’t think you can. You are worthy of being loved, even if you don’t think you are.
God will move mountains to bring you to your promised land, if you go to him, believe in him, and trust in him.