I am sorry.

Will stop posting.

Just delete this thread.

No apology needed, and I'm not asking you to do that - but if that's the best approach to help you get where you want to be, then that's a good idea. Keep posting, or take a break if that's best - whatever works for you.

Just so you know, if you ever feel you need to stop posting for a while but are having trouble doing so, you can always request a temp-ban here:

https://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/5...e-quot-204579/

Best of luck with everything.

Please delete all posts having to do with my son at least.. I knew it was a bad idea I just don’t know what to do and was looking for support but this is not what I “wanted” to be posting about, unfortunately, it’s what I have in my life and it is sad and depressing and I don’t think anyone else should have to deal with it, because even I can’t deal with it...

I've now deleted the two most recent posts that had pictures; if there are others, I'd suggest using the Report Post feature (red triangle to the left of every post) to make the request(s).

We don't *normally* delete entire threads, because it removes a whole lot of other people's posts, but if after some time to reflect, you really think that's best, send me a PM and we can discuss. But unless there's something terrible in this thread or its existence is causing you great distress, there's no reason to rush to a decision like that.

If you just need to get away from the thread for a while, we can lock it (it can be unlocked later at your request), and/or you can request a tempban as I mentioned in a previous post.

Yes, thank you.. I don’t really want it deleted, I will go through tomorrow and report the posts that I feel are too much from the last couple of weeks.. I appreciate your understanding

OP, I literally just found this the other day skimming the new posts, missed 99% of it but after seeing the first few pages was pleasantly surprised to see after all this time still up and running and didn't go down the predictable gutter than a person of that situation would end up in if they move to Vegas.

I had subbed and while not even sure if it's even about poker anymore, will be following along. I understand that this is an emotional time, I can't imagine being in your shoes and totally get how you want an outlet to express what's going on. I saw that post in question and viewed it as a knee jerk reaction, as would be deleting the entire thread.

Wish you the best and will be around following the rest of the journey - poker or otherwise.

When my life is full of darkness,
You, are the one who brings light into my life.

When my soul can bare no more pain,
You, mend my broken heart.

When all seems lost,
and my feet skip a step,
You, are there to catch me so that I do not fall.

I pray for absolution, for mercy, and for Your love.

May my mistakes not make who I am,
But teach me who I will become.

May my pain be the strength.

May my suffering be my hope.

In You I find my solace, my comfort and my peace.

Warm my desperation,
Be kind to the part of me who still does not know.

I pray for Your hand to hold.

-Amen

Always, me.

I hope you are doing well, OP. Any progress in the last week?

Been better, but have been worse as well.

Quick poker update, had a very small winning session in a PLO/NLH cash game session.

Have been finding my peace recently by eliminating relationships that have only added stress to an already difficult situation.

Been working insane hours, but haven’t worked since Saturday and I’m not scheduled til Friday... they said they didn’t do it on purpose, but I’ve been having issues with some players being mean and I’ve just been crying a lot. Skin has been pretty thin since what happened to my son.

They moved him to a new foster home after the accident, the injuries stopped for about a week and now he has the same bruising showing up on his legs again. I can’t find an attorney that will touch a lawsuit against CPS, so I’m just reporting to the hotline and CC-omg everyone I can on every email I send. They’ve still not had him properly evaluated by a doctor, but I’ve pushed enough to get enough people in DFPS to force them to have him evaluated at the local children’s hospital for his injuries.

Me, I’ve been struggling.

I’m in the process of moving to north Austin, as that’s where my son and all his services are and his doctor is in cedar park which is 1.5 hours from my current apartment. I don’t know how I’m gonna do it. Also looking for a new job I can work daytime and is flexible but after almost 7 years in poker, every job seems dismal.. but I have a feeling that’s more to do with my state of mind than anything else.

I’m at a crossroads, where my previous life is no longer intertwined with my future.

I’ve worked so hard and done so much to get to where I am, and in essence, it’s all for not.

My son is the only thing that gets me through the day, knowing he needs me is the only thing that keeps me wanting to see another day.

I’m changing my therapist since 3 weeks in therapy with this therapist has done absolutely nothing but make me more distraught as she too dismisses my concerns about my child’s safety.

I don’t know what I’m gonna do, but I know that my life is pivoting towards a new unknown direction. The thought of losing who I’ve been for so long to become someone I know will be better is absolutely terrifying.

The only thing I’m 100% sure of in my life right now is that I want my son to come home to me, and I just pray I can find the strength to do what I need to in order to make that happen.

My caseworkers supervisor said this morning that she thinks my son will be home sooner than in most cases, and that has given me a glimmer of hope that I’m finally doing enough.. but with it being almost 4 months without him, my heart is in pieces and I can’t figure out how to come to terms with losing him even knowing I’ll have him home again.

I’m ok, and I’ll be ok. I just pray he’s ok and we’ll be ok.

Contact the press about your son, or your state or US representative.

I’ve honestly considered this, but don’t know exactly what I should do.

As I’ve recently found out, they didn’t take him because they found me abusive or neglectful, they took him because, according to my caseworker and her supervisor and my lawyer, they think that “there is a chance of neglect or abuse in the future because of my mental health being untreated.”

So they fabricated evidence in the initial affidavit submitted to the court that back up these claims of me being unstable. Things such as “she was yelling at herself on the balcony” when in fact, I was on the phone with my dad.

They said there were bruises on his legs at intake, I have photo AND video proof that he had no such bruising minutes before he was taken from me.

They’ve twisted the things I’ve said, and have made me seem as though I’m completely crazy because I have panic attacks.

My psychiatric evaluation stated that, medication hasn’t helped in the past because I do not have a chemical imbalance, he suggested I have a personality disorder from my PTSD, and thinks I only need therapy.

He also said a lot of contradictory things and blatantly lied about things I never said. And left out things I did say while staying I never said them.

The ****ed up thing, is they say that I couldn’t account for the cuts and bruises on him, when I have sent screenshots of the correspondence between the daycare lady and I about his injuries being the fault of another child sitting on my child.

They have no proof I ever hurt or neglected him, but I have over 100 pictures of the injuries he’s had since being in care, and the black eye being a result of neglectful supervision since it was completely preventable.

This past weekend he fell on his face on concrete, not once BUT TWICE. How is that acceptable? Why would you let him run around on concrete after he just smashed his face.

This is so insane, I really feel like I’m crazy because, how is even possible I’m in this situation where my child was safe with me and now he’s not, and he’s being hurt in their care but nobody is blinking an eye.

I’m not the only parent this has happened to. The CPS departments all across the country take children away from their parents because of “a chance of abuse or neglect in the future” and then those kids are abused and even killed in foster care.

I’ve talked to a bunch of attorneys, still looking for one that can help me. I obviously am not in a place to be able to afford an attorney on my own, and have been looking for advocates.

But yes, I do need to call the state representative, but honestly don’t even know who to call or what to say

If I take it to the news, I’m afraid of that backfiring on me, I’m afraid they’ll use that to make me seem even more crazy and unstable.. I am so exhausted emotionally with all of this, I feel so helpless and lost ..

this can be very difficult to do but is really helpful

also, i'd be very hesitant about contacting the press, it's not their job to help you, it's their job to get pageviews... you could easily become a meme or the article could easily come out against you

you could become part of a clickbait article that doesn't do anything to help but ensures that's the first thing anyone ever sees if they ever google you or your child

state reps, pro bono law firm and social institutions are your best bet

Think about how many people have to be out to get you/incompetent/etc in order for your perspective to be reality.

Kids fall and get bruises. The pics you posted seemed well within normal.

Get the help you need. Work with the state in getting the help needed instead of fighting them, and you will get your son back much quicker

Definitely exactly what I’d be worried about contacting anyone.

But I will say, the pictures inexplicably prove that he is being neglected AT BEST.. so even though I feel crazy, there are more people telling me I’m not crazy .. I’m in such a sick spot, I’m in the tank, because the wrong decision could have irrepressible consequences for the love of my life.. I’m stuck

Yea this has obviously crossed my mind, and I’ve expressed the concern that maybe I’m just crazy to a lot of people, and a lot of people who have toddlers say that they aren’t normal..

Even my lawyer thinks it’s not normal..

Lawyers don’t think it’s normal.

I’m getting the help I need, I’m doing what I have to do and more so.

Unfortunately, I’m not in a warped reality hun

you don't need to explain yourself to trolls and dickheads

there's definitely some red flags about perspective to consider, but nobody browsing this thread is in any position to make any judgement calls

i personally am in no position to judge or anything such as that, but i've also been in a relationship with someone who had some mental health issues and she was often convinced everyone was out to get her rather than the more reasonable approach that statistically speaking, it's more probable she was misinterpreting things

people who've had a lot of bad things happen to them in the past are very justified in always being on the lookout for worst case scenarios, that is very reasonable, but it can tend to exacerbate the issue bringing up false positives and "me against the world" mentality

you're not wrong for being concerned, but it may not be nearly as bad as you imagine

The thing is, the pictures I posted that are still in the thread don’t include the black eye and gash on his cheek and cuts and bruises all over his body that warranted his removal from the foster home who let him “wiggle off the bed and fall into a nightstand during a diaper change.”

My lawyer didn’t believe it, and we both made reports to the abuse hotline because of it. The caseworker didn’t think it was an issue, but CPS hotline had him removed within hours of my report because the story didn’t match the injuries.

I am not in a warped reality in regards to my child’s safety.

Children being abused and killed in foster homes is a very real thing.

There is also currently a lawsuit against CASA in Texas.

It’s not a matter of me thinking people are out to get me or my son, it’s that they just don’t give a ****. CPS employees would not have a job if they didn’t remove kids from homes, and quite often fabricate evidence, ignore evidence in the parents defense, and violate civil rights of parents in the process. Most people don’t think they can do anything or fight it.

The recommendations from my psychiatric evaluation stated that I am completely competent and only need treatment to help with my ptsd. They did not diagnose me with anything except PTSD and preliminary ADHD. I am not delusional. A personality disorder is not insanity, it is maladaptive coping skills.

I understand that I could not possibly write in and explain exactly everything that is going on, as I will not under any circumstances neglect the obvious signs of abuse and neglect on behalf of the state while my son is in foster care. They are doing exactly what they accused me of, and have absolutely no grounds to keep my kid, as they never should have taken them in the first place. I have proven this the entire last 4 months.

There is not a chance in hell, after consulting with multiple lawyers, and multiple parents of toddlers, that I think I am over reacting.

I recently met with my parent coach, who also does not believe he is being taken care of properly, and does not understand why he is not home with me.

You have a right to your opinion, but I will not just put my head down and do what they say while my child is being hurt. That’s crazy. I am doing everything they have asked and will have my services completed before my next court date, and they will have to return him home to me because they can not show that I am incapable of caring for him.

What I am going through, no parent should ever have to be put through. And yes, there are people, specifically family members, who have gone out of their way to try and separate me from my kid. So unfortunately, I’m in a ****ed up situation I shouldn’t be in and am doing everything I need to do that my child and I survive this experience.

Some foster parents are just in it for the money and not good people. I wouldn't believe the "fell into a nightstand during a diaper change" story either. At best that seems like negligence. Good luck with everything.

+infinity

Some really good updates guys.

These past few weeks have gone much better since Malakai was moved to the new foster home. The bruising on his legs has become normal and minimal, and they are now providing injury reports.

My parent coach is an amazing woman who is 100% on my side and believes I am a good mother and that my son would be best home with me.

My temperament has been more stable over the last couple weeks as well, I have been having fewer panic attacks and haven’t experienced any tilt while playing poker. I’ve also begun winning at poker again, and I attribute that to being able to remain calm while playing.

At our visit today there were several people from my sons care team observing our visit, as well as my parent coach being involved in the visit. They had a bunch of good feedback after the visit, which will hopefully go a long ways to having me approved for my visitation expanding to longer visits and visits outside of the visitation room, one step closer to unsupervised visits and him coming home. Also hoping to have video calls with him, hopefully daily, so there can be better communication with him.

I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and things are starting to feel calmer and less chaotic in my life.

I’ve not had the best last few months, but I definitely feel as though my hope is beginning to replenish itself.

This experience has been a very eye opening experience. I started domestic violence classes, and through them I am learning that a lot of the way I feel about things and the fears I have are largely to do with being raised by an abusive and neglectful mother. It primed me to accept abusive behavior as the norm, and to become complacent in an abusive environment. Apparently this is a cycle, and a hard one to break. I will say, I am definitely going to do everything I can to break this cycle.

I’m still waiting for my referrals to DBT and EDMR therapy, as well as a neuropsychological referral. This will be ongoing therapies, and will help me to recover from the trauma brain I have. I’m fully dedicated to changing my thinking, and hope to one day be a little closer to normal. (Not completely normal though )

You know, it’s crazy how life is full of all these obstacles that have 2 possible outcomes.

1.) you get lost in the pain

2.) you get stronger from the pain

Regardless, it’s a choice that not everyone knows they get to make. It’s also not a choice everyone has the resources to make. It’s also not an easy choice.

I am blessed to be aware in a way where I get to make that choice. I’m blessed that my pain has not completely destroyed me. I’m blessed to have healed at all, because some people die from their emotional pain. I’m blessed to have my son, to have the love for my son that I do, driving me towards being stronger for him. I’m blessed to hate failing so much that I give myself no choice but to push myself as hard as I can until I figure out how to overcome every damn thing this life throws at me. I’m blessed to still love as deeply as I do. To be hopeful even when I feel hopeless. To be strong even when I feel weak. I’m so ****ing blessed to be who I am and am becoming.

It’s easy for me to get in the headspace of “woe is me, my world is crumbling.” As I’ve sure most of you have seen at times in this thread, especially in the beginning.

But when I get like that, it’s like a light goes off and my god tells me “you are stronger than your pain.”

I can’t even tell you how many times I have wished to go to sleep and never wake up. Or how many times I have yelled to the heavens about how unfair life is to people.

The other day I had a woman confess to me the pain she’s been through, and I was literally balling my eyes out because I understood her pain.

I told her “you’re going to get through this”

She said “don’t ****ing tell me it’s gonna get better!”

I told her in a stern voice “I’m not telling you it’s gonna get better. It’s never gonna get ‘better’, because life ****ing sucks. But YOU are gonna get STRONGER. This pain will make you stronger, for you, for your babies, and for anyone else who needs your understanding of this pain. You CAN heal, and you will be stronger when you do.”

And for the first time in my life, I knew exactly why I’ve gone through everything I’ve been through, am going through, and will go through.

Love you all, especially the ones out there struggling <3

this is really good news, one thing i've definitely witnessed first hand - had an abusive girlfriend who's only reference point was her parents and her own previous relationships

she literally didn't see anything wrong with screaming at the slightest thing or smashing something she could easily afford to replace and thought that was normal behavior because her mom used to smash the tv once every few months growing up and the next day a new tv would magically appear and it wouldn't be discussed again

every time i'd point out something being toxic or unreasonable, she'd mention that's what her parents did or that her exes did that or were ok with it etc not realizing that she shaped her exes that way and someone who wouldn't enable or allow that behavior wouldn't be in a position to ever become an ex in the first place

in her mind, she honestly believed i was the one with pie in the sky ideals and that her behavior was standard and everyone acted this way behind closed doors

good luck

I GOT IT

Starting next Friday, my visits are being moved out into the community, and then they will be extended in length as well!

I’ve been pushing and pulled together a bunch of stuff this last week, putting in a ton of work to lead into asking for my visitation to be expanded. I made a clear case that Malakai needs more interaction with me to lessen his emotional outbursts that have begun to cause him to self harm and overeat as a coping skill after our visits end. There was not a single objection or negative view on my interactions with my son, (minus the caseworker who was shut down by my parent coaches observation on his behavior) everyone acknowledged that I am a very nurturing and responsive mother who knows her son and his needs.

I’m so happy

I’ll have all of my services completed by the end of the month, and will be in ongoing therapy to prove my sanity and emotional stability.

Next step, to get to unsupervised visits

I CAN SEE THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL! My baby will be home soon

I hope to have him home with me by Christmas, and to have community visits in less than 4 months makes me think this is a reachable goal.

Thank you God

That’s great news! Keep focusing on what’s really important. Much respect for your openness. I know youll pull thru!

Thank you so much!

I really appreciate the support, more than you know, gives me strength to keep pushing <3<3