There are quite a few responses that are about seeking therapy, so I’ll respond to all the queries here in this post

I am actively seeking therapy.

I’ve had a psychological evaluation, the diagnosis I was given (that I’ll share) are PTSD, Panic disorder, depressive disorder, ADHD, ED (eating disorder).

I went to the psychiatrist today, so as to get an opinion about what approach would best fit me in my current situation.

The psychiatrist said, he feels that my PTSD is exacerbating my anxiety and depressive episodes and thinks that I should start there.

Today is the first day I felt heard and not judged by the doctor examining me, and it gave me a feeling of hope that has long been unattainable for me in regards to therapy/ medication.

This week has been hard, I’ve been working nights and going to appointments in the day time. I’ve been so stressed and exhausted, I missed my sons hair appointment on Saturday and had a meltdown in the email correspondence and was so emotionally distraught that I sent emails to the foster parents instead of to my caseworker that then resulted in my communication with the foster parents being ended. The foster parents also added some not so nice things about the effort I’ve been putting in, but told me that they would consider resuming communications when I am able to exhibit more emotional stability.

I apologized profusely, and acknowledged my behavior was inappropriate and completely understand why they would rather not keep communication open with me, as I have not been the most stable.

I will say, that although my behavior has been emotionally charged, I have been doing all that I can to cope with extreme mood swings and severe anxiety without any medication, as my self medicating is something I can no longer do and although I am pursuing therapy and proper means of being medicated, it is a process and one that has not been easy. Not only have I had to stop smoking pot to help with my anxiety, but I also have the additional stress of the CPS case making me even more reactive. I feel helpless, and lost, and a lot of the time I feel like I have been made the enemy of my son. All these things have driven my behavior... inexcusably so.

It’s been a wake up call.

I had taken for granted the ability to reach out to my son, and I lost that ability because I took it for granted. I allowed my emotions to get the best of me, and I allowed myself to react in anger which has only EVER lead to self sabotage.

I meet with my lawyer tomorrow, we’re going to discuss everything that’s been going on, and how I can hopefully mend the bridges I’ve burned.

I asked the foster parents to forgive me, and told them I don’t expect them to and I am immensely sorry for lashing out.

It’s hard to separate the pain I feel from the people who are involved in this case on the side of CPS, as in my heart it feels like they are my enemy.

I want very much to be able to change that perception, and to be able to change the way I respond when I am upset.

I have been doing all my services, and have been participating as much as I can, but I am still doing things that are basically me just hanging myself when I don’t have to. I’m very aware that I am in the wrong.

I have a new mindset, and I am much more receptive to healing and allowing CPS to help me than I was before. I hope that I’m able to continue to grow in a positive direction.

I played a tournament today, had TT snapped off by AQo for 15bb and couldn’t fade .. yikes

As for the Kratom, I’m very aware of the dangers of withdrawal, but I have been using it and it has been helping me immensely with my neuropathy pain as well as has cut the frequency of my panic attacks in half. I’m hopeful that this is going to help me get through the next few weeks until I can get on proper medication, because in all honesty, the pros outweigh the cons with the circumstances I have. And I am actually extremely grateful to have found something that can help me get through this without jeopardizing my CPS case.

If I missed anything, just let me know please!

I really appreciate all the feedback from everyone, you’ve all been so helpful and supportive, I can’t even explain how much that means to me <3

I have been feeling a little less tilted while playing, but have still been getting too tilted when losing so I’m still taking it easy at the tables. I HAVE been dabbling in those ACR jackpot SNGS and doing pretty well, keeping myself sharp at least

Ok so last night was crazy stressful.

I go to see my son for our rescheduled Monday visit because of Labor Day.

I found out that along with no correspondence with the foster parents, they apparently also don’t want to drop him off to me in the lobby of the visitation office anymore.

I found this out because I arrived 10 minutes early as I usually do, but as 8:05am rolled around, they were nowhere to be seen. I messaged my caseworker that they weren’t there. She responded “they’re here, be there in a minute.”

The visit was from 8am-9am. They came into the lobby at 8:11. I had an appointment at 10am downtown with my attorney. Traffic is horrendous in Austin (yes, worse than LA even) and even without traffic, it’s a 30 minute drive from North Austin/ Round Rock area.

So I said “Hey, you know I understand that they don’t want to see me but I would appreciate if they are going to be dropping him off to you first if they could try to be earlier so it didn’t cut into my visit please.”

She says in a snarky tone “Oh, I bet you would appreciate a lot of things. You’ll still get the 10 minutes.”

And I’m like “Look, I know we don’t get along, but I didn’t come at you with an attitude and I was asking nicely. I have to go meet my lawyer at 10am, and it’s downtown. I don’t appreciate the tone, when you’re cutting into my visit and not respecting my time and I always respect yours.”

We headed into the visit room, and for the first 15 minutes of my visit I got to have a mini panic attack that I had to pretend I didn’t have so as to not ruin my visit with my son.

After the visit, before they left out the back I said

“You know, I know you don’t like me but it’s not fair that you expect more from me than I am capable of. You take my son, and force me off the medication I had to cope with my panic attacks and depression. I am going through the most stressful thing I’ve ever been through. I’m facing the possibility of losing my child, and I am distraught and unmedicated. I am aware that my emotional responses are inappropriate, painfully aware. I am doing my best, and I apologize and take responsibility for everything I’ve ever said or done and you are still treating me like I’m a piece of ****. The whole reason you have my son is because of my mental health, because I need help, yet you lack the empathy to understand that I am not a bad person, I am struggling. I am doing my services, spending $100 a week in gas so I can run all over Austin to make these appointments for both me and my son. I don’t think it’s fair for you to hold my behavior against me when at this point, I don’t have impulse control when I have severe panic attacks. I don’t get credit for all that I am doing, but the second I do something wrong, it’s amplified and used against me. If you truly wanted to help people, you would see that I’m trying and you would be more understanding of what CPS is currently putting me through.

The look on her face was that of guilt, but I don’t know that she even cares.

So I go meet with my new lawyer. We talked about my psychiatric evaluation which recommended that my therapy focus on treating my PTSD first and foremost, as he feels the anxiety is the worst of my struggles. She offered EDMR therapy, and that is what I will be doing once we find a therapist that can do it.

I have an appointment on Friday at 11am with a regular therapist.

Today I got my MAPS card, which is health insurance for people who get denied for Medicaid, it lowers all my copays and it covers mental health and medications too.

Last night at work I wound up getting into it with my coworker, and he yelled at me for a long time and he yelled at me that there is something seriously wrong with me if I thought he was yelling .. it started because after I finished dealing the tournament he asked me if I was good to start cash and I said I didn’t say I was gonna deal cash, and he snapped. It was because he thought I was accusing him of lying, he said we had a conversation I didn’t even remember having with him the way he says it went. All I remember agreeing to was being first cut, he said I agreed to stay until a certain time. I told him I didn’t know why I would agree to stay when I am so exhausted and I have a drug test in the morning at 8am so I needed to get sleep. I became despondent during the argument which seemed to only make it worse, and the verbal abuse was horrendous .. I just kept apologizing and saying I was wrong.. one of the players came out into the parking lot where he had followed me to keep yelling at me when I tried to leave after he kept raising his voice at me in front of all the players inside the card house..

Now I’m supposed to go in at 9pm.. I don’t want to .. I’m so stressed and exhausted but I haven’t been angry in awhile, I’ve just been in a really sad phase and crying a lot.. I’ve gotten a lot done this last week, and only have 1 more bill to pay which is my car insurance.. and once I pay that I’m gonna sleep for like 3 days.

It’s been really hard to feel cheerful and I’m not sure why, I know I’m stressed but it’s different..

I guess realistically I feel defeated and hopeless.

Played another tournament, got 15bb in 5 handed with TT vs AQo and couldn’t fade the river :/

But I ran really good the rest of the tournament so I’m hoping I can at least find my way out of this downswing.

Hi there. I've been a long time reader and can't imagine how hard it is to be in your shoes. All i can say is don't give up, despite it seeming so hard at this moment. Take it one step at a time. Things will get better but it won't be a quick process. Hang in there girl!!

Aces, I'm exhausted reading your story. I ain't the youngest anymore.
You're way overextending yourself. All the things you're dealing with and then going to deal and then playing tournaments and cash poker.
Fatigue influences our behavior.
Negatively, not positively.
Take a step back. I understand you have to deal to make a living.
But take a step back. Reacess your priorities.

Thank you hun <3

I am taking each day, moment by moment, and trying to just focus on doing the best I can each step of the way. Sometimes it’s hard not to get down on myself, but I am trying to trust the process and have faith that when all of this is over (because I know one day it will be) I will be a stronger soul because of it!

Obviously shouldn’t be playing poker until your life is more situated. Come on, man

You are very right, and in the first couple of months I was very aware and mindful of this fact.. but when I was told I wasn’t doing enough I started pushing myself and crammed absolutely everything I could into these last two weeks, so I burned myself out absolutely.

Luckily, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and I have a good day off tomorrow and am going to take some time to myself to recoup my mind and body.

I’ve definitely laid off playing a lot, since when I do play I’m not very focused and haven’t been handling losses too well so just taking that slow too and have really only been playing in a tournament like once a week because I still love the game even though right now my life is filled with so much other stuff I’m not able to play my best. I figure it’s like keeping my feet wet so to speak rather than really putting in sessions to grind it out lol

I have been playing a small tournament like once a week to blow off steam and to have fun. I’m not putting In long sessions or pushing myself. I have NOT been playing cash games.

I have so much stuff in my life that makes me miserable, and you’re really gonna tell me to just not play poker at all? Come on, man. Would you rather I just not do anything I enjoy when I have the time to do it?

I think your comment is a little insensitive :/

I’m just saying what I’d do/what I’ve done in situations less bad than this one.

Aces - you are airing an insane amt of dirty laundry in this thread.

People are gunna give feedback. Not every 1 is a cheerleader. With your current mindset I think it is fantastic advice not to gambool. Calling that insensitive is completely lol.

You couldn't have said / handled that any better...that was a perfect statement.

All in all, I know this is so tough and stressful. I can't even imagine being in your shoes. Having said that, hang in there, know we are supporting you and wish you all the best!!

Oh I understand completely.

The insensitive comment I was referring to was “come on, man”, not the don’t play poker part lol

I’ve said a bunch of times that I’ve been staying away from playing because I haven’t been handling it all that great when I lose with what’s going on. Also that I haven’t been able to focus or play my best.

I just felt like that the “come on, man” part in particular insinuates that I’m not aware that I shouldn’t be playing if I’m not in a good headspace.. which I definitely am :P

I’ll admit, if I’m not playing/studying/around poker in some form or fashion I feel like I’m suppressing part of who I am in a way.

I was actually doing fine playing for awhile, but in the last couple of weeks it’s just been too much which is why I stepped back.

I immersed myself into playing when my son was taken, it kept me as steady as possible for awhile there. Then i hit a downswing in poker and it was doing more harm than good for my headspace because I’m in a life downswing as well so I was like “nope, don’t do it to yourself.”

But I keep going back because I guess I figure, if I manage to sit in a tournament and lose without it hurting, then it would be a kind of proof that I’m healing if that makes sense?

But you’re completely right, not playing at all would probably be the best thing to do.

I’m just saying, the best I can bring myself to do is limit myself to firing a single bullet in a small tournament that’s not going to break me if I lose (financially/emotionally) <3

You’re right, gotta clean it somehow!

Not looking for cheerleaders at all, I wouldn’t have come to this thread for that. The history on this thread has not been full of cheerleaders lol I’m looking for thought provoking responses that hopefully trigger the change in perspective I need to grow.

I want to be called out on my bullshit if you see bullshit 100%

How else will I grow if I don’t overcome the safety and security of instinctual denial?

But I wasn’t calling the “don’t gamble” insensitive, because you’re right, that would be lol

I just didn’t specify what I meant, which was the after thought of “come on, man” .. so it was just a misunderstanding.

I got in my feels, my bad guys <3

<3<3

Haha, I don't blame you. I hate the phrase come on, man. It comes across as very condescending and as if the other person knows better than you.

The only time i like the phrase is when ESPN does the segment on the MNF pregame. That **** is hilarious and a valid use of the phrase.

Gl with all the things you have going on OP. Stay strong

I more mean every second you spend focusing on poker is a moment taken away from activities that could benefit your life. Poker is a game/hobby, not a part of who anybody is as a person, even if some fall into the trap of identifying that way.

Instead of playing a game of chance, you could be reading a book that might help with the issues you are going through, sleeping, etc.

You don't think taking the time to do something she enjoys as a hobby is beneficial? We all have different interests and things in life that we enjoy.

She even said she's down to playing the occasional tournament. It's not like she is putting in hours every day and punting off buy in after buy in.

It has to be about balance. If she is always trying to do something to get better, she is going to burn out. She even said that happened to her already. Sometimes it's good to be selfish, even in a situation like hers where she is fighting for her son.

Who knows what helps her cope? Maybe reading a book about her issues would help, maybe it wouldn't. Maybe sleeping more would help, maybe it wouldn't.

She has to learn how to get herself better through whatever method works best, but that doesn't mean she can't take some time to get away from it all and do something she enjoys like playing poker.

If she never does something she wants to do for herself, then she will never feel good.

Agree to disagree.

Gl op, I’ll go back to lurking.

You know, I really appreciate all the support I’ve been getting, but I just can’t keep doing it. I’m a very open and honest person, I don’t bite my tongue or leave out even the smallest of details.. most people love me for my honesty, but there are a lot of people who think it’s too much.

I’m gonna try to update a bit less frequently, at least until o can figure some stuff out and am less stressed out.

I love you all for the support I have gotten, I really needed it these last couple of weeks.

I want to cool down and get my head straight, and get back in he headspace I need to be in so I can do what I gotta do and want to do for my son.

This is not the stuff I wanted to be posting about on here, but when it comes to poker goals and challenges, I’m facing the biggest challenge of my poker career to date. Of my life, and need to focus on that.

I think you are being wise. One of the best thing to do when you go through these trying times, and we all go through them, is to write down your thoughts. It helps you to think straight. Post and update when you feel the need to. You'll know what the right time and amount is. No need to worry about how others accept it.

Needed that <3 thank you

As someone with a chronic opiate dependency, I would advise against using kratom.

I think herbal anxiolytics would be better. Try valerian tablets/tea or something.

Okay, now I've read it all.
I'm surprised you're still alive. I hope you continue standing up straight and have focus on what's best for you and your son. You've been through so much so you know what's best.

Someone (not the OP) has reported this most recent post and requested that we have a look, and I can see why. As mentioned in the post report, this last post includes an email screenshot with both the first and last name of OP's son, and pictures of his face. This seems unwise, at best, and I'm going to err on the side of caution and delete those.

OP, you need to think really, really carefully about what you're going to post about any minor. Not just what consequences it might have now, but next month, next year, 10 or 20 years from now.

Not a personal criticism - many people have posted things they've later regretted, and often the posts came from a good place as I'm sure this one did. And maybe I'm being overly cautious, but I'd rather be safe than sorry here.

To the post reporter - thanks.