I’m not fighting for custody of my kid.

They aren’t taking him away from me unless I don’t do what the court orders me to do.

I’m doing everything they are asking me, and extra stuff too.

They have no doubt in my ability to care for my son.

He was taken initially because of my medicinal use of marijuana.

He’s remaining in foster care because I have no family support or support from his father but they need me to go to doctors and get medicated for my health issues with a prescription.

I have panic disorder and PTSD, and my son has behavioral problems and a delay in cognitive development according to an ECI evaluation.

He’s been struggling with head banging, and also an extremely hard time with being separated from me which triggered detachment in relation to me.

The only reason my son is in the system right now, is so I have the ability and support to get myself healthy enough to take care of my son who has his own extra needs.

At first I felt like I had my son stolen from me, I couldn’t imagine how this could be fair or right.

Over the last 3 months, I’ve come to realize that this is a blessing in disguise.

I was drowning in being a single mother, never having time to get my mental or physical health together. Sleep deprivation was making me lose my mind even more.

I love my son, and I am there for him in every way I can be.

Prior to moving back to California from Delaware in early 2017, I had opened a case against my mother to have my 14 year old sisters put into foster care.

Long story short, my mother had a break down and abandoned my sisters at my dads in Delaware and went back to Baltimore.

Family court told her in order for them to come home, she had to follow the family plan.

The whole time she just would say how she couldn’t do it, how she didn’t need to and she was a good mom.

Meanwhile my sisters are loving the group home because they get more stuff like food and clothes and respect than they’ve ever had.

They’re still in the group home and my mother still hasn’t changed.

I don’t want to be that person that just goes through the motions and is a victim so I’m gonna be a better person for my son.

I don’t find anything wrong with sharing my experience, and I don’t see how having a vlog would be a bad thing.

My CPS caseworker plays poker, we’ve talked about it and she knows and respects that I ply and deal, for what it’s worth lol

Almost 4:30am and I’ve been dealing at ATX since 7pm.

Made almost $400 tonight

Tips have been good since a player was telling all the other players aggressively to tip more lol getting like $10+ tips in a 1/2 game <3

Driving home, it’s 7:20am.

Dealt for 12 hours, made $500.

Coming back tonight.

It’s been an alright day guys.

Might have the heart to play again..

Oh, I didn’t tell you:

I get into my friends 1/3 homes game for $100. I open 88 to $10 first hand, dealt 6 handed. 1 caller, then my friend (game runner) ships it for a bit more. I’m like “What’s that?” He says “What, I’m board.” So I know I have his range crushed lol

Fade to the river and his A5o gets there

That was that and the heart went back into hiding sheesh

Triple negative! Nice!

I count 2 and the response made sense in the context of the question being answered. Also, I don't see anything wrong with doing a vlog if you want. Takes some effort but maybe doing something creative is good for you. Good luck.

Lol good one

I made it a tongue twister on purpose man, keepin ya on your toe-sies <3

Damn, I’ll tell ya, personal growth is hard.

But it’s necessary.

I’m currently trying to figure the best way to get myself to do things that are in my best interest, even if I don’t want to do them.

Oddly, when I put it like that, I think there are like 3 things in my life at the moment that this is creating a big road block to my happiness.

Most of the time I can’t tell if it’s procrastination, denial, or some sick twisted mix of both that have come to drive my impulsivity.

It’s like I have a toddler in my head saying “no ****ing way, that does not look fun” along with the other facet of my personality that’s huddled in the corner of my consciousness like “omg will you stop and just do this ****?”

The awareness I have about this is minimal, it’s new.. but I’m thinking this is something there has to be a method to fix?

I’m sure therapy will do wonders

Denial and avoidance are two very common coping mechanisms (procrastination being a form of avoidance, I'd say). Pretty much everyone employs them at least some of the time. My brother once joked, "Denial and avoidance: how would I get through the day without them?"

That said, I think it can be helpful to sit down and think about/write out your priorities and goals. You mention that you perceive three obstacles to your happiness right now. Just being able to articulate that shows great insight. Now think about what steps you need to take to overcome these obstacles, and also what behaviors or choices might be preventing you from taking those steps.

Years ago I read a self-help book called The Road Less Traveled. One of the ideas in it that has stayed with me is a fundamental approach to how you should organize your life: You take care of obligations first—the hard stuff, the painful stuff—whether it's work or chores or family or whatever, then you do the fun stuff or the enjoyable stuff. Wash the dishes first, then watch the movie. I'm not saying I always follow this advice, but my life tends to work much better when I do.

Personal growth is hard. And necessary. And it never ends. Good luck to you!

Ever show up to your court ordered parenting classes 15 minutes early, only for the person you were supposed to be meeting with to be completely MIA and unreachable for what is now 30 minutes past when it should have started.

Awh man, I’m just over here like “How am I gonna use this **** against them without looking petty?”

Because that’s where I’m at

I would say that avoidance is a pretty innate coping skill for me as I suffer from panic disorder.

This is something I’ve only recently discovered, and haven’t talked much about or had any help with.

I’m not sure how to describe it really except for how I’ve managed to help people in my life understand it.

Imagine a time you got all sweaty, heart was racing, chest was tight, you couldn’t breathe, you start crying, body was tingling because you were extra nervous about something that was happening.

Now, imagine that being an every day thing.

Also imagine, not knowing what made you feel like that half of the time.

So, I know MOST of my triggers, and avoid them.

But then there are these things I’ve just started calling “ghost triggers”. (since I don’t know what they are or are called)

The ghost triggers cause panic attacks with absolutely no outside stimuli.

It’s like, me and my brain are just chilling reading a book. Reading an article or just looking at the clouds outside while on my balcony, then BAM: I get a tingly feeling from head to toe which feels akin to a drug rush. Then my chest gets tight, and I get an overwhelming urge to break down in tears.

For no reason that I’m aware of.

Sometimes I can identify thought patterns that may have lead to it, but most of the time I’ll have no idea what it is.

It got much worse after having my son, and I suffered greatly with postpartum depression and anxiety.

I feel like the worst part about this CPS case is that these people are treating me like I’m a villain when I was adamantly trying to find ways to afford the immense amount of therapy I obviously need in order to be able to function prior to them even being involved in my life.

My anxiety is coupled with pretty severe ADHD as well, so I have a really hard time scheduling and organizing my life and getting things done.

My anxiety has also manifested agoraphobic phases throughout the last few years and as an every day struggle to avoid my panic attack triggers, I find it often hard to do many things that involve leaving the house.

So when it comes to addressing this road block, the obvious answer would be therapy.

And it’s funny you mention “The road less traveled” because when I was 17 (some 10 years ago) I read “The road less traveled, and beyond” which was the sequel to that.

It talked about the transcendent ego, and of what I remember, he talked about acknowledging emotions that come up during times where you need a level head and then setting them aside to deal with during a more appropriate time...

Ironically, as I typed that out, it resonated with me and my current situation.

One of my other self imposed blockades has been my unsanctimonious anger towards anyone whom I perceive to think I have ever abused or neglected my son.

And I’ll admit, I stopped talking about my son to people because I’ve recognized that just about anything said in regards to what’s in the best interest of my son by anyone has been a trigger.

I’ve been pushing for them to let me visit him every day in daycare, this is after it took a month for them to find a way to arrange 2 one hour visits a week for us, then another month to make it happen..

They make the statement that they’re only keeping him so I can get these therapies, so I can be more emotionally stable and have access to resources as a single mom.. but their CPS protocol requires them to restrict access to my child as if I abused him.. they’re only reasoning for restricting my ability to see him has been:

• it’s protocol
• scheduling for transportation to visits
• completing my services

I’m like, my child is 18 months old. He needs to know I didn’t abandon him.

He’s been acting out, and has been sick since they took him with a plethora of different ailments.

Currently has an ear infection and a rash they think is from an allergic reaction to the antibiotics..

He went completely nonverbal and despondent when they took him to the point where they thought he was deaf and dumb.

When we switched to 2 visits a week, he started talking again. It’s been two weeks and he talks consistently all the time now.

My read on the situation is that the more he sees me, the more safe he feels when I’m not around and it just infuriates me that I can’t be there for him during a crucial part of his brains development on a chemical level.

I feel like if he thinks I abandoned him he’s gonna hate me, so I’ve been fighting it. I want him to be happy and not miss me, so I’m fighting for more time..

I’ll add to this that I did a ethnicity estimate for my son, then took the raw date file to codegen and researched the genes he has. I still don’t know if it was information better left unknown, but it showed that he has the gene markers for autism and speech delay as well.

We don’t know as much about how it develops, but they do know that something like 40% of what causes autism are environmental factors. Also, that it develops around 2-4 years of age.. so in my head I’m like “I know that childhood emotional trauma has catastrophic effects on the brains development so I have to protect his brain.”

And CPS is aware my sone has a genetic predisposition to Autism, along with behavior that is very concerning with this as a shadow on his development.

So I’ve asked for them to in addition to play therapy for behavioral intervention, I’m now as of this weekend pushing my caseworker to advocate for pediatric massage therapy as an emotional support for him. The reason I’m doing this is because it’s a therapy used as an early intervention for children with ASD, so I’m hoping to implement it as a buffer in the current situation we’re in with CPS and hoping that will calm my anxieties about how this is all gonna effect/affect him.

Thank you for helping that thought process <3


TD;DR

Need to just keep pushing and finding ways to be ok with not having control of the situation or the perception CPS has of me regardless of how I feel because my lack of emotional control is EXACTLY why I’m not getting what I want. So I’m trying a new approach, and working on identifying my roadblocks

I work tonight at ATX so hopefully it’s a good night and I can get my mind off how stressful this all is

The more you describe it, the more complex your situation sounds—both your own psychological/emotional state and your CPS case, as well as your son's physical, psychological, and emotional state.

You've mentioned therapy several times. Do you have a therapist that you see regularly now?

What about a lawyer? Did the court appoint a lawyer to represent your interests in your CPS case? Did the court appoint a separate lawyer to represent your son's interests?

Years ago I volunteered as a CASA, or count-appointed special advocate, in San Francisco, where I live. There's a CASA office in Travis County. A child involved in a CPS court case could be assigned a CASA to spend time with him (like a Big Brother/Big Sister), get to know him, and look out for his health and educational interests. The CASA also does some independent research, interviewing family members, teachers, and other important people in the child's life, and makes an official report to the court regarding the case—should the child continue to live in foster care or be reunited with his parent(s)? Not all kids in the system get CASAs, but if a child exhibits behavioral problems (and I think head banging and becoming nonverbal would both qualify), the child's attorney or the court might ask the CASA program to assign a volunteer to work with that child. This might be something to explore or request for your son (in addition to all the other services you're requesting for him—good job, by the way).

About the unsanctimonious anger you mentioned, it's understandable but unfortunately not helpful. (I think you know this.) You want to regain custody of your son, and you want to see him more regularly until then. You also want to be the best mother you can be for him. To achieve those goals, do everything the court and CPS social workers ask you to do, so as to convince them that your son will be safe and well taken care of by you. Challenging as it may be at times, calm cooperation will be the fastest route to family reunification.

Good luck to both you and your son!

(It’s a long one )

About to head into deal, literally been knocking out 12 hour shifts this whole week. Yesterday , only made $130 dealing but still grateful bc I love my coworkers and job <3

Personally, I think the progress I made healing from my childhood trauma was fragile when I got sober, and even more so because I was sobering up and had to experience all the pain i had been suppressing for the better half of my life.

I identified unhealthy coping mechanisms. Discovered characteristics about myself that I didn’t like, and became painfully aware of how they effected my life and relationships.

•6/29/2015- move to Tallahassee from Vegas to get sober

7/29/2015 - get sober

Major life changes:

•Oct. 2015- Move to Jacksonville

(Play 2/2-2/5 live & grind online 25c/50c & 50c/$1 PLO until I move back to my dads)

•Oct. 2016 - End my relationship on the 1 year anniversary because I couldn’t commit to the expectation of anymore time making this man suffer my emotional instability that had caused a huge rift in our intimacy.

•Nov 2016 - Stay with Dad in Delaware

•Dec 2016 - mom and my 14 yr old twin sisters move in

•Jan 2017 - Mom has breakdown, leaves sisters and goes back to abusive BF in Baltimore

• sisters stay with my dad as a family foster arrangement, mom is out on family plan to get them back

•Feb/26/2017 - Older sister dies in car wreck. My sister who i had lost contact with and never made amends to for being a brat towards her while I was using. Devastated me.

• I start losing it..

•March 2017 - Moves back to California with a friend of mine from the LA underground.

Seeking comfort through my pain caused me to allow this person to manipulate me into a relationship I never wanted to be in. It gets verbally and emotionally abusive

•4/30/2017 - move into his parents house .. horrible idea I thought would stop our arguing. But he was doing blow behind my back, and his irrationality only got worse.

I was regularly playing 1/2/5 PLO and booking $1k-$2k a WEEK at this time.

• May - officially get my Cali med card and go to like 30 dispensaries to learn about the different stuff available for my neuropathy pain and anxiety.

Start smoking with this guys nephew who was only a year younger than me. We got along great, I remember the exact moment I latched onto this person as a confidant.

I was talking about something while I e were smoking, he goes to look at his phone, and I just stop talking because I had been conditioned to believe that I talk “too” much, and also that what I talk about is dumb or too serious. (Lol, noooo)

He immediately looks up from his phone and says “I’m listening”

And, it had been so long since I felt heard that I warmed to him instantly, as a FRIEND. We hung out and talked all day every day.

Dude came home and argued every night.

Started accusing me of cheating on him, trying to force me not to hang out or smoke with his nephew. Obviously, I wanted to more because deep down I liked making him mad for a reason since he was always mad for none...

Long story shortish here, I wind up leaving this dude, his nephew hits me up after I leave and starts flirting with me, I take him with me.

This guy is my sons father. I know, please don’t judge me because I know how bad that is..

So then, I’ve touched on what happened in Vegas.

6/26/2017 - find out I’m pregnant after committing myself for being extraordinarily suicidal in a way I had never felt before. Go figure, hormones make me crazy, literally

Then all that stuff with my child’s father abusing me, and the suicidal thoughts.. then I got the kidney infection that wouldn’t go away..

I don’t know what you know about chronic kidney infections, but they cause so many more issues than just kidney pain. I’ve had like 3-5 infections a year for the last 5 years. And because of the numbness caused by my neuropathy, I only know I have one when my body starts shutting down from it and I literally can feel my body dying..

Also, kidney infections and fever are two of the most dangerous things for a fetus, so I also spent this entire time fearing I would lose my baby.

It created this emotional boundary between my child and I while I was pregnant, I couldn’t feel love for him the way I do now because I was so afraid to lose him and afraid of how much that would hurt.

Then his birth was traumatic, he wasn’t breathing and they had to intubate him, give him donor milk and keep him in the NICU. Didn’t see him for 3 hours until he stabilized.

I wasn’t ready to go through ANY of that stuff. I didn’t know how to cope while it was going on.

I had a realization today, I think most of my emotional discrepancies come from the inability to trust myself and my decision making because I have made SO many decisions that have just ****ed me up real good.

So it’s just like when someone lies to me and I don’t trust their word really anymore but I still try and give them the benefit of the doubt that maybe they have learned..

I feel like I approach the interpersonal relationship I have with myself in this same way.

I don’t trust myself, my decisions or my emotions.

And to dig even deeper, if ANYONE had to listen to the hatred I spew to myself in my head daily, I don’t think anyone would be able to function properly. As much as I try to love myself, here recently, with all these things going wrong in my life, I really wish I didn’t have to be in the same room with myself a lot of the time..

Currently I’m not in therapy, I don’t trust therapists (go figure) to fix me because I’ve not found anyone to help me before.

But I think this thought process has been increasingly self sabotaging.

I’m court ordered to therapy once a week, so I will be in therapy as soon as the referrals go through.

Malakai does have a CASA, and an attorney of his own. Since they’re concerned about his behavior and development, they’ve been immensely helpful in getting him the help that honestly, I had no idea how to do for him even when I wanted to.

My lawyer called this morning and told me she’s transferring me to a new lawyer who has more availability because she said my case needs more involvement and she can’t give me what I deserve in that respect because she’s gotta do other stuff.

I was sad, because this woman really got me and understood me and could see from a mile away if I’m suffering emotionally. Honestly she’s been a god send with this case, and I’m gonna try to “trust” in her judgement and hope this new lawyer can help me too.

TLR

I think I’ve come to terms with the fact that my overall well-being is not where is has the potential to be. I have issues with loving AND trusting myself, which, as hard as it is to admit, is not the kind of person my son should be raised by because I do need help so I don’t ruin him with my trauma like my mother ruined me with hers.

There’s this crazy thing I’ve been trying to adapt in my life, and it’s elusive, but it’s the concept that NO ONE “causes” or “makes” me feel anything, except for me, myself and I.

Man, these last 2 weeks have been so crazy and stressful that I still don’t even feel like playing poker.

I was losing bc of poor decisions and tilt, which is why I’m dealing at the moment while I work on my headspace.

Along with needing to take care of my issues for my son, I also need to get my head on straight for poker.

I’ll be honest, July was my first losing month since February, and i don’t even know how much I lost because I stopped tracking it since I was on life tilt and didn’t give a crap... I’m pretty sure it was like -$1k, and so far in August I got wrecked in those tourneys and I’ve just punted in the few cash sessions I played.


I feel like if I were to give an all around estimate on how much this downswing has got me for I’d say it’s the over on $2k, but definitely less than $3k.

I generally take a break anytime I go on a downswing so I can REALLY identify why I’m losing.

Sometimes it’s a betting or range leak, and I can fix those and keep playing.

But when I acknowledge that I have a mindset leak, I don’t let myself play until I know I’ve handled it.

So I’ll keep dipping my feet in to play and stay dealing mostly for now until I can get through a session without punting or tilting when things don’t go the way I want..

It’s just so agonizing sometimes to sit and want to play, but to know that there is no way that I could bring myself to the level of focus I need in order to sit down.

And recently, I’ve realized that I don’t actually have many friends to talk to in Austin, or anywhere really.. so I hope this thread can get me back to being able to focus

I’ve been doing some research on the way synapses and neural connections are made, there’s an interesting theory that it’s plausible for us to be able to rewire our brains essentially based on the original way the brain develops in early childhood.

Curious if anyone knows of anything in regards to this?

Look up Bruce Lipton

Love you <3

I've read many of the posts (perhaps not in great detail) but here are some thoughts for you to consider (I don't want to quote all of your posts). I'm not an expert on this stuff or anything, but I've been through some $hit in the past and struggled to get through it and stop hating on myself. It seems like you want to do the same, and you appear motivated and intelligent enough to get through it:

- I suggest seeing a therapist. I've had bad experiences from childhood through family court stuff so when I was older I had a very negative view on them. I eventually got so fed up with not knowing what to do about how bad I felt (everyone told me I should be happy/excited because I was doing great in many aspects of my life - work, school, sports, etc. - but I still felt like crap) that I reached out to one based on a family friend's recommendation. The therapist was great and everything worked out well, but my initial meeting with her was demonstrative of how skeptical I was of the whole process. Therapist said her rate was $X per hour. I said how about I pay you 50% of $X and then if I end up feeling like therapy worked, I'll pay you the remaining 50% plus another 50% on top of that (so basically 1.5x standard rate). She said no haha. Anyhow, she was helpful in getting me to see where my view of the world (and myself) was wrong. She wasn't "fixing" me as much as giving me a way to "fix" myself.

- Try to see a therapist with emphasis on EMDR and CBT. I think the trauma you've been through and how it has framed your perception of your life may be better addressed with these techniques than others that I've heard of. Maybe some mindfulness/meditation on top of it would be good especially since you play poker.

- Is there a chance that you have attention deficit disorder? I don't recall seeing a mention of it but I've had friends who didn't realize they had it until they were much older. I don't know about taking drugs for it, but being mindful of the issue may be enough to navigate things going forward.

- If you ever feel like you are suicidal (or even going through less extreme crises), consider contacting Crisis Text Line. I know people who volunteer there and the organization is really thoughtful about training its people and working with others going through a broad range of problems. You write well and this forum seems like a way for you to organize your thoughts and sort through your feelings. CTL doesn't require immediate responses but the dialogue is faster than posting here (if that's useful to you).

Don't take kratom--you might as well pick up an oxy habit.

Happy to help!

So I have my sons visitation from 8-9am, gonna take an hours drive to get there.. it’s 1:30, can’t sleep.

It’s been one hell of an emotional 2 days, but I’ll update a bit more on that tomorrow when I get a chance.

So I lay in bed, finally put the phone down and snuggle in real nice like with my 7 pillows, 5 different kinds of blankets, and put on my white noise I compiled with 9 different water sounds to soothe my racing thoughts.

I start going over some stuff that’s been on my mind, and on today about how hard it’s been for me emotionally.

Then it hits me.

I think I figured out how to rewire my brain.

(Bear with me, I’m super tired so this will just be a sloppy put together so I don’t forget )

So we’re born with millions of neurons and synapses, and as our brain develops it wires and rewires by building new synapses and doing this thing called “pruning” as we grow. Pruning is essentially just ridding the brain of unused synapses. The way the brain decides if a synapses is worth keeping or ditching for the sake of organization and simpler functioning is by getting rid of the synapses that are unused.

This is why poor children are thought to have lower IQs, because they don’t have access to as many things as babies to keep these neural connections.

This makes that study about the two babies where one died because it didn’t have any human interaction make sense. Because essentially, without the external stimuli to give the brain a path towards organization, all the synapses will die, and inevitably, well, the brain dies? Not sure if that’s a correct assumption, because it is just an assumption.

Anywho,

I then have the thought, well.. I guess that’s why time heals, because when you don’t think about something, when you aren’t exposed to it, the synapses eventually is severed and new connections take its place.. our brain is constantly wiring and requiring, just not as exponentially at 27 as it would have been at 8 months.

So this is why meditation and mindfulness are so powerful, because you’re tapping into the ability to rewire your brain.

Basically, I feel like if I am able to find ways to stop exposing myself to the negative thoughts/experiences, and instead replace it with a bombardment of positivity, then I will eventually ACTUALLY heal from them by means of rewiring the negative thought processes with more productive ones.

I’ve felt powerless over the way my brain works for a loooooong time. I think this understanding is what I’ve been looking for, it’s an understanding that gives me hope in my ability to heal from things that have felt so out of my control.

This understanding also gives me a new kind of motivation, a direction, and a goal. I’m actually super happy for the first time all day, and honestly don’t even know why this made me so happy.. and it seems silly that I didn’t understand this before but I’m so grateful, I’m finally tired too now

^you can absolutely "rewire" your brain for good and bad. I like to call it "learning" as it sounds like psychobabbly haha.

Mindfulness/meditation is useful for bringing awareness to your thoughts and behaviors, but that in it of itself doesn't promote the change (perhaps if you throw in some loving kindness practice that could help). You need to adjust your thoughts and behaviors for your brain to change. CBT and EMDR are two ways to address the behavior part.

You may find this guy's writings interesting: https://www.rickhanson.net/. It brings neuroscience and dharma together. The positive neuroplasticity articles would be a good place to start.

OP please take it into consideration above. I want you to know that I really went out my way in finding my old 2+2 acct just to post this

This is your journey and for us to advice you in seeing a therapist probably annoy the sht out you. From my observation, you're pretty dang intelligent. But it's time to let the right people into your life and it starts with therapy. It's not about whether you believe in it or not, it's about you getting rid of the biases. You have already started this opening up on here or maybe to friends and it might help or not but seeing a therapist is part requirements . Do it for your son. Don't go in there just get check mark. Do for your son. Let go of whatever it is in you and even if therapist doesn't help it's a good and proactive start . Let your thoughts struggles perception resonate outward thru your voice. Anyways I hope u can feel genuine sincerity from my poor writing. I too has gone thru some stuff in life. My childhood development was abnormal and when I was 19 join Army as infantryman, PTSD I'm familiar. Doing drugs to brink of death - been there. I've been cleared minded for over a decade but as faith intertwine I met my gf who's going thru similar struggle as you. It's tough for us all but she's done alot better because she let go of her ego for her son and saw therapist. It's a work in progress. Anyhow, good luck on your journey and may the force be with you.

Nice work keeping your PGC going for so long. I plan to follow and read some of your updates more closely. In the meantime...GL GL!

I respectfully (thoroughly) disagree. Vipassana is that bridge necessary for that (immense/life altering) change to happen. It does take several hours of it without distraction (and yes, metta/loving kindness is a good closure as well). But I am derailing the thread. GL OP

It’s been a long journey, can’t believe sometimes that it’s been over 6 years since the very first time I found myself at a poker table! So many ups and downs, and so much growth over these years too.
I appreciate your readership <3 GL to you tooooo!

<3