Quote:
Originally Posted by LarryGrill
Hey there, long time reader, first time poster. I’m curious what made you start posting again after 2 years with no activity and 1 year of little activity? What made you want to start the thread in the beginning? Are you still sober? THC does not count obv
(Trigger warning)...
My last post was right before I went to the series in 2017, and I had every intention of posting a lot that summer. It was the first summer I was actually gonna play more tournaments than cash games and I was really looking forward to the PLO games because I was on fire really. Just playing well and winning a lot.
I had a back up job lined up in Vegas, and was supposed to be staying with someone through a friend of mine.
All of that fell through, and I had tried to contact my backers to stay with them but at the time the person I was with didn’t understand why these people were gonna help me because as I soon after found out he was extremely jealous.
We were staying at a hotel near Sun station I think, and when the time in the room was up, we wound up being without a place to stay.
We went into the casino while I tried to contact someone to stay with, and while I did this, the guy I was with was just verbally abusing me saying it was all my fault and making a big deal about how he didn’t know anyone in Vegas.
He was drinking with the last bit of money we had, and after enough drinks he started threatening to hit me so he would get arrested and at least have somewhere to sleep.
He wound up hitting me in the throat while sitting next to me as I was turning towards him. He just barely missed crushing my windpipe. I freaked out, he ran, I filed a police report, he begged me to go back to him, my dumbass did because I felt bad for bringing him out in the first place.
We make it to the strip, we sleep outside on the streets behind the bushes in the back of the casinos.
Find the tunnels behind harrahs, stay there for like a week.
I’m feeling insanely suicidal, I’m 10 days late on my period and freaking out because I’m too broke to get a test and I’m sleeping on the streets and my boyfriend is insane and wants to kill me.
So I try to kill myself by making a slip knot out of the scarf I had, it was working really and I was starting to blackout when my boyfriend realized I was just gonna let myself go out and he fought to stop me.
The next day I had myself committed.
They told me I was pregnant and I stayed in the hospital for 2 days.
I get out and find out he gave my dog away. Then he leaves me on the street and has his uncle pick him up and take him to AZ.
I go stay with my backer.
Make another dumb decision to go to his parents in Kansas bc I was pregnant and had no ****ing clue what I should do. My parents were of zero help. I was alone and confused and abused.
I was doing well at his moms.
2 weeks into being in AZ he gets drunk and arrested for domestic violence against his uncles wife. Jail for 5 days, comes to Kansas the night before my birthday July 16 2017..
He was cold and distant.
After the pregnancy confirmation on the 18th, he told me he was being mean because he thought I was lying about being pregnant. He was constantly telling me that I shouldn’t feel the way I felt. Told me none of the things I wanted for my baby were gonna happen. Told me I couldn’t go anywhere with his baby, I wasn’t allowed to leave.
I tried to arrange a secret escape on July 22nd through my father, he discovered I was trying to leave and stole my phone.
Forced me to cancel the flight or he wasn’t giving it back.
My dad stopped talking to me, assuming I wanted to stay, not realizing I was fearing for my life and the life of my child.
The physical abuse became daily.
He threatened to poison me and tell the doctors I did it to myself, his mother said she would back him up on his accusations.
He threatened to kill his 9 month old daughter while she was sitting on his lap, to prove to me that he’d kill me too.
On July 26th at 6am in the morning he was supposed to get up for work.
I had been laying awake, bible clutched tightly to my chest since 5am when I awoke crying from the night terror I had of him beating me.
I couldn’t go back to sleep.
I waited patiently for the time he was supposed to leave so I could go to sleep.. to rest without fear..
I kept asking him to wake up, every few minutes I would ask if he was getting up and tell him that his mom would kick us out if he lost this job.
He kept telling me to shut up.
In the darkness, while I lay at the opposite end of the bed staring at the ceiling through the faint morning sunrise, he slams a pillow into my face, screaming at me to shut up.
Out of reflex, I sit up and swing. Punching him right in the side of his face.
He jumped up out of the bed, I tucked my head into the blanket between my legs and grabbed the back of my head bracing myself as he punched me in the back of the head..
He called me a dumb ***** and went to the bathroom.
I grabbed my book bag, laptop, phone and wallet and ran past his mother and out the front door.
I didn’t really know where I was, but knew there was a church nearby. I picked a direction and ran as fast as I could while praying it was the right direction.
By the Grace of God, I found the church and hid behind the fence of the AC units.
I called my mom, in shock, and then called the cops.
They took me to the hospital, then took me to a women’s shelter.
I had been in contact with my cousin while he was deployed, and when I told him what was going on he offered a spare room. I went there after 2 weeks, and that’s where I went through my pregnancy and the first 7 months of Malakai’s life.
I moved out of their house and into assisted living for single parents while trying to find a job in Colorado.
There wasn’t any poker, and I was honestly extremely depressed.
Was offered an opportunity to get into dealing without a bunch of red tape, and an opportunity to be able to still do what I love and support my son while doing it so I took the job and moved to Austin.
Throughout all of this I was extremely depressed, the issues with his father were continued and are continued, he’s a dead beat. He had another son 4 months after mine was born.
I’ve had so much stuff going on, I really pulled away from sharing my story because I was hurting too much from everything that was going on.
My life has been a **** storm these last few years.
I stayed sober through it all guys.
I was a wreck, but I was sober.
It goes without saying that going through what I went through was created an impossible amount of shame and regret. Pain, depression, anger...
I wasn’t playing poker, I had tried to play online in Colorado but honestly my heart just wasn’t in it.
My heart wasn’t in anything.
I had a rough pregnancy and constantly thought my baby was gonna die on top of constantly wanting to die myself. I know many nights I would imagine what would happen if I killed myself, many times I found myself in despairing piles of guilt for even thinking the way I was thinking.
I had a kidney infection the majority of my pregnancy and was in severe pain from it. Had fevers constantly from it, could never sleep, I would just binge on Netflix.
I had no motivation.
I’ve had no motivation for a long time.
I’ve been locked in this place of despondency for a long time, and then the most crippling thing that’s ever happened to me happened, I lost my kid.
I’ve been without him since June 13th 2019, and it’s completely rocked my world.
I’ll admit, I fell apart in the worst ways. Spiraled for a few weeks, then realized my son needs his mama and I started pulling my **** together.
I’m new to Austin, so I don’t have a lot of friends and I have pretty much cut my entire family off in the last 2 months as well as burned a lot of bridges.
I got back on the wagon and the fog of despair is beginning to lift.
I have a responsibility to get my **** together and be all that I can be for him. I need to advocate for him, be aware of how what’s going on is going to effect his development because he’s only 17.5 months old and his sensibilities are fragile.
I want to be his protector, and I want to be all the things for him that my parents were never for me.
I want to end the cycle, and I’ve realized that unfortunately, I don’t know everything. And although I know deeply how to love my son, I might not know how to care for him the way he deserves because for one, my head and health are a wreck, and for two, my parents did not teach me much in the ways of good parenting.
So TLDR: lol
I used this thread to get through some rough ****. I gained inspiration to get better and be better by inspiring others with my story. After my sister died I got crazy writers block that was exacerbated by continued traumatic experiences over the last few years, and now I’ve found my way back to being in the headspace I need to be in when I share these aspects of my life that are admittedly over personal.
Plus, I’m playing poker in Austin TX, and I didn’t even know that was possible until i was offered the job and it’s way different here than anywhere else so I figured I’d share that with everyone too.
Since I’m also now a poker player on my upswings and poker dealer on my downswings now too