Lead by Example!

Thank you. My Mother has expressed how much it means to her to be able to talk to me about these things. I did manage to get a friend of mine to let my sister stay with them for a few days. I was told that she'll be moving to Tennessee this weekend to live with a friend there for awhile. I'm hopeful that things will begin to work out better

Today is officially 3 months clean & sober for me! It's an amazing feeling that I am constantly finding new ways to appreciate every day. I am forever grateful to have been given this opportunity to change my life around, and I'm intent on continuing to do this well. Even my worst days sober are still better than my best days drunk. Words can't describe the freedom I've come to know and love. <3

Good news about my sister, she seems to have found a place to live in Tennessee. Unfortunately, no one knows who this person is so we won't know how safe she's gonna be.

It's funny in a not so funny way how much she reminds me of myself. It's like i know exactly how she feels even without talking to her much. I truly am wishing and praying for the best, but with the knowledge of how the real world works, I fear for her.

I went to the doctor today for some blood work and tests, will be going back in a couple weeks to see her again. The visit was much easier this time, as I feel as though I prepared for it mentally and intently focused on happy thoughts!

I had forgotten to mention that on Tuesday I went to play the 5/5 PLO at Gretna. This session was short (40 minutes) and quite a disaster in terms of variance. I wound up -$1000 in only 3 hands before I left.

The first hand was UTG with KdKcJc9s, I open to $20 and get 3 callers (UTG2, MP1, SB. Flop falls AxAc8c. I bet pot, UTG2 repots, MP1 all in for less and SB folds. I tank for a bit, then starts talking myself through the hands that UTG2 would repot me with, obviously I put him on an Ace, but can't put him on A8 with the preflop call, I decide that my flush draw is ahead of his range and eventually make the call for the rest of my stack. Turn falls Tc river Qx. As I turn over nut flush, he turns over AJT9 for a boat, and the kicker here is that MP1 turns up TT62 -_-

Obviously I rebuy another $500.

I go through the blinds and decide to straddle $10 on the button. SB calls, BB calls, HJ calls, I look down at AAKKhh. I pot to $40, call, fold, call. Flop falls 783cc, goes check, check, I bet $150, SB repots, HJ all in for less I tank fold. Knowing my over pairs without a redraw is dead. They run it twice, HJ rivers flush, and boats on bottom.

So very next hand button straddles $10, SB calls, BB calls, UTG2 calls, I have AA6h8h and decide to just call with the intention of getting it all in if button pots, so button pots to $50, SB calls, BB calls, UTG2 folds, I repot to $200 with $90 behind, Button thinks for a sec before he calls, then SB takes a bit longer than he does and eventually calls. Flop comes like KJ8 rainbow. SB checks, I dump my last $90 into the pot, button thinks for a sec a calls, SB folds. Button turns over K9cc, board getting running clubs.

Pretty standard, I'm not sure I would have really played those hands any differently. I was kind of caught off guard by running so bad and losing 2 buy ins so quickly. I'm aware that PLO has higher variance, and I'm alright with that most days, but this session just pissed me off. I'm ok now, and I've come to terms with the loss.

I've thought it over a lot and talked with a friend that grinds the 2/5 NLH in Jax and for now I think I'm gonna take a break from PLO and focus on 2/5 NLH cash, and maybe some more tournaments.

Unfortunately the poker room here doesn't offer a beatable NLH game, but I'm more than happy to drive over to bestbet to play for the weekends

So till next time hope everyone is well!

Thought and prayers for your family (and you). It sounds like you are definitely headed the right way! Keep it going!

Limit Holdem!
Congrats on your 90 days.
Positive vibes to you and yours.
Keep on showing everyone how to get it done!

Thank you <3

Lol gonna take a lot to get me to start playing limit holdem lol

LOL! Spoken by someone who has been through a lot!
You would be surprised on some of the pot sizes.

From Demons and Wizards
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DKxZY0DIxIk

You write incredibly good for someone with little education. Lol I got my BA and my english is terrible compared to yours. I wish you all the luck in life and in poker.

Awh thank you that's sweet! Good luck to you too <3

Sick run today at Jax. Came back to grind the 2/5 and leave down $800.

So HH goes like this, 2 spots just go so wrong.

Start hand with $750ish in 2/5

UTG straddles $10, UTG1 limps, folds to me on Button I look down at KK and raise to $40, SB folds, BB goes $140, UTG all in for like $150, I got all in and BB snap calls and flips over AA, UTG AK. Leaves me with like $280.

Play for a few more hours, drunk fish sits down to my left, I only have like $200 so I add on $300. Nothing fancy happens, fish gets stacked a couple times then leaves to the table games and the table breaks.

New table, I'm down to like $380 without picking up any cards or spots.

So I get J8o in BB with like 4 limpers. Flop comes T82r. I lead for $10, everybody folds and MP1 raises to $25. I think a bit, ask if he has a ten and he asks if I have an 8 as I call to float a card. Turn comes 8, I check, he bets $45, I think to make it look hard then call. River comes 2, I lead $100, he goes all in, I snap, he flips over T8. Gg

Lol what a 8 hr session. I feel like I played well just got in some sick spots. Hoping to grind again tomorrow.

Hoping to run a little better, but don't we all :P

So recently I've made a few changes in my life, fairly large ones.

I started dating a very good guy who lives in Jacksonville. He plays poker and makes me happier than anyone else ever has. <3 I decided to move to be closer with him, as well as to get away from the situation I was in that was very unhealthy. I'm now playing poker full time on my own money and living in Jacksonville.

I'm still working on my recovery, and honestly I'm happier than I believe I have been in a really long time.

Today I played on my own money for the first time since Vegas, and I had a winning 2/5 session. 4 hours, in for $300 & out for $745. I played well, and was super focused. Things that I believe had become difficult for me to do under the circumstances of my previous backing situation.

I'm not gonna say that I'm not a little nervous about making such a big change in my life, but with sobriety in my life I have more faith in the decisions that I make concerning my life.

I'm grateful for everything I have, and at the moment I believe I have everything I want/need.

Congrats but be careful. I don't see any mention of a thin crust Pepperoni
Mushroom and Sausage Pizza.
Has that is what really makes life complete.

Ty :P

Had another successful session, about an 7 hour grind for almost a $400 win tonight.

Had a ton of fun, got to know some of the regs here as well

I think bestbet might be my favorite poker room :P

This sick hand happened on my table too, super close to a bad beat



4 ways to flop $10 each or so. checks around. Turn comes out and goes check check, third guy makes checking motion then tries to bet but check goes through to the river when it goes check, bet $10, raise, fold, fold, 3bet, 4bet, all in, snap call.

Pretty sick lol

Oh, and I flopped Quad Aces, although I didn't get to get stacks in :/ maybe next time!

Have only read the first page so far but I think your OP might be the longest thing I have ever read on 2+2 probably because I can relate to a lot of what you expressed. I personally don't have a healthy relationship (or any at all for that matter) with any of my family nor have I since my mid teens. Also have a history (still off and on more off lately thankfully) of drug and alcohol use. And definitely caused a lot of **** over the years

Takes balls (or the female equivalent? lol) to post something like that but it can definitely be somewhat inspirational for people who have gone through or are going through similar things.

Thanks for posting and I am going to sit down when I get a chance and read this thread and hope it has gone well for you since that post..............

Thank you

I hope that those who read my story are inspired, to help anyone in anyway truly makes me happy. I've shared my story for this purpose, and as a result was able to find hope for myself as well. I've come a long way from my OP, and couldn't be more grateful.

I wish you the best, and maybe you'll find something you've been looking for in these pages <3

Yeah, I've been meaning to read your entire blog from the beginning. Finally did it. You are incredibly insightful and not afraid to look at yourself for the answers to problems. Not always an easy thing to do.

I also admire the way you've handled the trolling here. It is uncalled for anywhere, but especially here - in a blog.

I'd wish you good luck but I don't think you need it.

I just realized I never responded to you. Thanks for answering all those questions.

I'm really sorry you're dealing with some new family issues. I've never had to deal with most of the things you've had to deal with so I can't imagine the toll it can take on a person. But I'm glad that going forward you'll be able to tackle these issues with a clarity you might not have had before. Both you and your family will be so much better off because of it.

Keep up the good work and best of luck to you and your family.

I'm glad you have enjoyed reading the thread and appreciate your support very much!

I know I'm not perfect, but do try to improve upon what I can if I can

Thank you <3

I've been through a lot, but feel my willingness to change has been my biggest advantage. Many people will go through struggles of their own, and I feel that they all take the same kind of toll to a varying degree. In the past I've not been able to reach out to family, but with the recent changes I've made I find it easier to find that emotional support through my family.

Thank you very much, and I wish you the best as well!

For the last couple of weeks I've been going through a list of my personal fears. There are some that are seemingly trivial, and others that bring about immense emotional indignities.

These fears have at times been all I've known in the frequent absence of hope throughout my life. I've become fond of some, feeling as though they are part of what makes up the better part of myself. Yet, most of these fears have become the breeding grounds for more fears to flourish.

Some fears appear only subconsciously, floating in the back of my mind as only a passing thought. Others are persistent, continuously causing strife between the conflicting perceptions I have about what might be right or wrong.

As I continue to reflect on my shortcomings, there seems to be a growing sense of serenity within myself. It is abiding by the terms of time, constantly reassuring me of its presence.

Prior to personal investigation, there was an overwhelming fear that I would be ashamed of who I had become, apprehension was at the forefront of my mind. Coinciding with these fears of who I had become were the fears of who I would become after all these things I was were gone.

Fearing that in recovery I would be a worse being than I was while using seems silly, yet I have not known my sober self for many years. It seemed justified.. We can justify almost any fear, as we can also justify allowing ourselves to live without those fears.

Living without these thoughts that have crippled me for so long will change who I am, in many more ways than I could have ever imagined with a frightened heart.

When I think of all the things that recovery has given me in such a short amount of time, I am now only overwhelmed with a feeling of unconditional gratefulness. I've been gifted an opportunity to have a life worth living, a life full of happiness. A life free of fear, anger, and regret. A second chance I never thought I'd have. <3

Those are very powerful insights. Its seems like you are getting in touch with the emotions of your authentic self. That has to be a liberating and an amazing feeling! Happy for you. You've given yourself the opportunity at a life that once seemed impossible, that's an achievement to be proud of.

You have a keen self awareness, it has served you well in uncovering all the little things that matter. Thank you for sharing your words. Hope you keep on living a full life, good and bad

Thank you for your kind words <3 I appreciate all the support!

This week has been a week where I've found it comfortable to keep to myself for the most part. I suppose it's sometimes necessary to have time to reflect on ones life, but recently this has been increasingly difficult.

I've reached a stage in my recovery where I must take stock of all the promiscuity in my life, and discover where I have harmed those I've been involved with.

I find myself replaying over and over again my most shameful mistakes, things I don't dare speak of for fear of there being little possibility that a normal person might understand.

These are things I can't imagine ever doing had I of been living a sober life, and yet as I sit here nearing 4 months of sobriety, I can not seem to overcome the overwhelming sense of regret and guilt I'm beginning to drown in.

Many people, I assume, go through their entire lives with little cause to reflect on the pain they have caused themselves and the others they've interacted with. They're able to simply "move on" while the people they've hurt are the only ones who seem to suffer while they partake in pure denial as to not hurt themselves. This seems to be a normal thing to most.

Before I left my home in Baltimore to move to California in search of a better life for myself, I was living in regret every day for the things I said, did, and even thought of doing but didn't. I was something of a cruel sadistic person, with little concern for those I did claim to care for. I was the epitome of selfish, for I had grown with contempt for the feelings of others.

Why should I care for others while others did not care for me?

Except, I did care. I cared more than I was capable of showing because I was never shown how to care. It seems trivial knowledge, the ability to show others their importance in your life, to give them the attention they desire, to admit they are worth something to you. Sometimes this act of showing you care will give those whom desire it a sense of purpose.

What is life without purpose?

Perhaps, this is part of purpose. If so it is, then one without this particular sense of purpose may be driven to do seemingly crazy things to obtain a sense of fulfillment. Although, one might lose track of what they are looking for and become discouraged.

This discouragement breeds a whole new type of disease, one that symptoms with jealousy, envy, and fear. There awakens the beast of self loathing, postured with careless chaos. One might try to run from the adversity of incompetency only to find it waiting patiently for their return, in the heart of who they've allowed themselves to become.

There are expectations of upholding the moral standards of humanity without little thought for those who are deemed sinful. As if with puppies, were one unable to learn his tricks in the predetermined amount of feasible time, he would be abandoned to a shelter or beaten into obedience.

Do we truly not understand why this does not work?

We are so burdened with time that our impatience breeds intolerance as it condemns those who have made mistakes to hide in the shadows afraid to ask for help.

So where did it all go wrong for me?

I'm very much like the puppy who was unable to learn, one who until recently was met with neglect and abuse whenever I attempted to change my habits. I was hopeless, I can not argue that fact. I did not believe I would be able to live life on life's terms, for life's way of living was out of my grasp. For years upon years I hide from myself, committing atrocities at every peak and turn while running away.

I might choose to blame society, my mother, my father or my higher power for the suffering in my life. I could do that, sure. Though, I choose to eliminate blame from my life so as to not fear being wrong.

This world is not one meant for full understanding, if we were meant to understand everything we would. We are meant for learning ourselves, as well as others. We are meant to care for others and ourselves. We are meant to grow, whether it be up or old. We are meant to live this life the way it wishes for us to live.

So no matter the faults and failures I have acquired in years past, I feel I was meant to live this life the way I have lived. I will forever be grateful for the things I have learned of myself and those around me. I no longer feel my life is meaningless as I have in the past, nor do I resent purpose in life as I have. I am someone who will make many mistakes, will do many wrong things, yet will do whatever I can to learn from those things so that I might make them right.

After all I am only human, and that is what I intend to be always. <3

Just passed by this in Jacksonville and had to take a picture, too perfect lol