(Days 15 and 16 update)
Day 15
Hands: 1,032
Results: -$121
Another lackluster showing in the day's hands and results, but my game felt better which is really all that matters. I was more level headed but also daring, and that’s a great combo. I’m still not giving myself enough raw hours at the tables in order to experience those inner “aha” moments that spark a blast-off in my results and confidence, but I’d like to think I’m taking baby steps in that direction.
Hand #1:
Good example of not being scared to go too big for value.
Hero (BB): $102.70 (102.7 bb)
UTG: $218.46 (218.5 bb)
CO: $145.14 (145.1 bb)
BTN: $432.95 (433 bb)
SB: $106.71 (106.7 bb)
SB posts $0.50, Hero posts BB $1.00
Pre Flop: (pot: $1.50) Hero has 7
7
2 folds,
BTN raises to $3.00, fold,
Hero calls $2.00
Flop: ($6.50, 2 players) 4
7
9
Hero checks, BTN checks
Turn: ($6.50, 2 players) 8
Hero bets $4.82, BTN calls $4.82
River: ($16.14, 2 players) 4
Hero bets $29.72, BTN calls $29.72
Results: $75.58 pot ($2.76 rake)
Final Board: 4
7
9
8
4
Hero shows 7
7
:
(Full House, Sevens full of Fours)
(Pre 54%, Flop 94%, Turn 91%)
BTN shows 8
9
:
(Two Pair, Nines and Eights)
(Pre 46%, Flop 6%, Turn 9%)
Hero wins $72.58
Hand #2: Villain earned the fancyman label from this hand and others like it. If he's going to raise my overbet he needs to shove for me to consider folding value otherwise he should bluffcatch or fold.
UTG: $110.11 (110.1 bb)
MP: $122.31 (122.3 bb)
CO: $107.44 (107.4 bb)
BTN: $137.87 (137.9 bb)
SB: $228.75 (228.8 bb)
Hero (BB): $109.71 (109.7 bb)
SB posts $0.50, Hero posts BB $1.00
Pre Flop: (pot: $1.50) Hero has 6
7
fold,
MP raises to $2.25, 3 folds,
Hero calls $1.25
Flop: ($5.00, 2 players) 6
8
9
Hero checks, MP checks
Turn: ($5.00, 2 players) 6
Hero bets $3.32, MP calls $3.32
River: ($11.64, 2 players) K
Hero bets $16.59,
MP raises to $39.00,
Hero calls $22.41
Results: $89.64 pot ($2.76 rake)
Final Board: 6
8
9
6
K
MP shows 5
5
:
(Two Pair, Sixes and Fives)
(Pre 53%, Flop 13%, Turn 5%)
Hero shows 6
7
:
(Three of a Kind, Sixes)
(Pre 47%, Flop 87%, Turn 95%)
Hero wins $86.64
Hand #3: This one got my heart pumping. I felt that having two diamonds and the Qd was good enough to go for it.
UTG: $164.31 (164.3 bb)
MP: $101.50 (101.5 bb)
CO: $109.93 (109.9 bb)
BTN: $136.37 (136.4 bb)
SB: $226.17 (226.2 bb)
Hero (BB): $144.78 (144.8 bb)
SB posts $0.50, Hero posts BB $1.00
Pre Flop: (pot: $1.50) Hero has Q
9
2 folds,
CO raises to $3.00, 2 folds,
Hero raises to $12.00, CO calls $9.00
Flop: ($24.50, 2 players) 2
A
K
Hero bets $7.44, CO calls $7.44
Turn: ($39.38, 2 players) 8
Hero bets $26.19, CO calls $26.19
River: ($91.76, 2 players) K
Hero bets $99.15 and is all-in, fold
Results: $91.76 pot ($2.76 rake)
Final Board: 2
A
K
8
K
Hero wins $88.76
Day 16
I played zero poker today, and spent the whole day thinking, writing, or talking about the topic I address below.
I’m not proud of last night, but I think I should write about it in the hopes that by doing so it will help me change the pattern. Yesterday I woke up, meditated for an hour, ran on the treadmill and ate healthy throughout the day. I studied, played some poker, organized some things, and the day looked headed towards a strong showing in terms of lifestyle and creating healthy cycles.
Then things backslid into “fk it” mode. I finished half a bottle of wine during an impromptu but compelling 2hr+ conversation with my mom, which led to sloppy decision making for the rest of the night. Coffee at 10pm is one example, as well as many instances of suboptimal late night snacking while binge watching Star Wars. I finally got to bed around 6am
and woke up at 4pm today. My first thought was "oh great, this again..." and immediately felt rushed because the day was cut in half, leaving little time to put towards my goals - an all too familiar place for me.
Anyone who’s looked into performance mindset might have some guesses as to what’s going on here. One solid theory is that it’s self sabotage, driven by fear and past trauma. And this does resonate for me, that I may be scared of putting in really long grind days because of what happened the last time I dedicated myself to poker in that way. It might even be as simple as “fear of self-identifying as a professional poker player.” We’ll call that the trauma theory for what’s wrong with my motivation.
But yesterday I watched an Andrew Huberman podcast on YouTube that opened my eyes to a second possibility. It was about dopamine and our internal/subjective reward mechanisms. Here are two bullet points from the pod that have me reconsidering the trauma theory:
- When we expect something to happen we are highly motivated to pursue it.
- Over time with self-programming, you get to decide your own internal rewards system. The key is to make the effort itself the reward.
The reason these two points speak to me relates back to when I was playing on P0krparty, where I had no issue waking up and getting right to the tables and in fact, I couldn’t get to them fast enough. There was nothing else in the world I’d rather do and I had no self doubts. “But what if I lose today?” I didn’t care because it didn’t matter in the long run and I knew that at my core. In other words, I was highly motivated to pursue it because I expected to reach high stakes. With that expectation and supreme self confidence, effort itself was intrinsically rewarding. The internal logic was probably something like this:
- I have 100% certainty I will reach high stakes.
- Therefore every hand I play brings me closer to this inevitability/every moment at the tables brings me closer to my goal.
Some corollaries:
- Daily variance is inconsequential.
- Time invested in playing is banked as units of confidence, which of course accrue compound interest.
- (Eventually) all my confidence comes directly from the time I invest and not from results.
I would give anything for that sense of certainty again. Huberman describes how to get to that place, and it’s unglamorous but effective – you have to force yourself to show up when you don’t want to, then do it again, and again, David Goggins style. No wonder I’ve struggled with this for so long. Discipline and the skill of “grit” have eluded me all my life. I’ve never allowed my dopamine baseline to reset itself, always chasing more and more of it. Even though the risky drug stuff is behind me, I still struggle with socially accepted addictions such as caffeine, overeating, binge watching, etc, all things I experienced last night. I deeply admire a guy like Goggins, but when it comes down to actually make the changes myself I always find a logical “out,” some excuse as to why my structured plan isn’t good anymore and should be modified in some way before I continue. In other words, I’ve made a habit of breaking promises to myself ☹
So how will I use these new insights to finally break the cycle? For the first time in my life I’m going to set and stick to a daily schedule. Now that I’m aware of the science behind the dopamine-reward mechanism, I feel empowered to take on those uncomfortable moments of mental dullness. If I feel incapable of thinking clearly but am scheduled to play poker, I can now embrace that situation with an attitude of grit and persistence instead of looking for a way out. “I’m just going to sit here and suck at this for the scheduled time” will be my new mantra, because I know that’s where the real growth is. Building personal integrity is now priority #1
See you guys tomorrow 👋
Total Days: 16
Total Hands: 17,091
Total Results: +667