Was rereading what I previously wrote, I just put exactly what came to my mind at that time. Actually seems as if the Mental Game wouldn't be able to apply to every single situation but its the concept is what matters from it all. It is all about figuring out "why" and accepting it to be okay. I don't have the greatest mental game yet, not even close, but it is my own continual process to become better at it.

Poker. I want to be more positive around this game, I seem to still have those negative thoughts that I seem to attract when things aren't heading towards my particular ambitions. Every time I set a massive # ($$$ won/ hands won) in my head, I seem to bombard and tank when things go sour and run away from it. I have to remind myself that setting anything except trying to improve is something I shouldn't be doing. I still believe I have a lot of capabilities that are waiting to be unlocked. Breathe... enjoy the process. Accept the good, and learn from the bad.

Today in this present moment things will change I will choose to enjoy my moments in life as well. I will still feel shameful but acknowledge that it is a growing process and I need to escape this poker internet world sometimes. I need to live, I need to enjoy my life outside of gambling all day.

It isn't a drastic change per say, it is all these little subtle elements that I will be implementing in my life in order to become free. Why am I here, what does this instill for my future if I am not free now. I do it to myself as I should, I don't enjoy the moments. I feel guilty for wanting to travel, I feel shame when I take a day off. My mind wants so bad to put me on lock down in order to make sure this is my primary focus until I reach "X" amount of money, and until I become "Y" person in poker. I choose not to feel this way anymore, I want to reach big goals, but I want to love my life as well. This isn't all me, the primary focus for me for this game is to secure myself financially up to a certain point, to feel successful in this game and to be able to make waves into multiple formats and dominate whatever I touch in the poker world, on the other side deep down I still want to pursue one of my childhood dreams of acting, I've always wanted to do that. This also isn't the end be-all goal of it all I would imagine, I don't imagine wanting to get lost into this game to the point where I don't experience my actual real life, I understand that this poker internet world is a big part of me, but I don't imagine poker should be all of me. Why would it be? I don't see the end vision, can someone please point to me otherwise? Why chase that extra few thousands instead of having a vacation in the Bahamas once in a while? Why do I feel so much shame/lazy for wanting to do that? Is it because I'm scared one day this game will die as due to the current trends and I need to push as far as I can in it before its too late? I don't know. I'm just venting speak to me if this touched you in any way, let me hear your thoughts I need some perspective.

Tip: Stop using the word "will" when talking about the present moment. To make drastic change in your life perspective you are doing the right thing to get present. So removing a lot of self-identification with future (and past for that matter) will help.


Free of what?

There only is this moment. Even when you get to the future there will only be this moment then. If it is your natural state to feel not whole in this moment now it is very likely you will feel that in all moments. Even when you achieve something that brings euphoria you will likely return to your natural state of wanting more when the fleeting form of euphoria diminishes.

This is your conditioned mind and it is the "normal" state of mind (particularly in the westernised world). If I was you I would spend some time questioning why you have those thoughts. If you want help how to do that let me know.

Perfect, well done!

Well I think you are getting close. I will try to point you but you already said it yourself earlier... It is not at "the end"... It is NOW.

Good luck,

Chris.

P.S. That was your best post ever imo.

Thanks for the long response.

"Free of what?"

From societies expectations, that I myself implant. There is no barriers that I should adhere to except my own and people I respect. I keep doing things that are against my normal feeling because I feel a certain sort of expectation such as 1 day off= bad, multiple days off = terrible. Success= play everyday no matter what etc. I don't agree with that perspective anymore, and still I keep pressuring myself on days I don't want to play to play anyway.

---
Well I think you are getting close. I will try to point you but you already said it yourself earlier... It is not at "the end"... It is NOW.

Agreed, I think I am starting to understand much better every single time these things happen. It always makes me sit and reevaluate what is truly going on. I do realize there is no end objective here, it should be a continuous thing and there is no hurry to reach the "end" aka nosebleeds at such a rapid rate for one, it doesn't happen overnight and I should be accepting of that to enjoy the ride of life and poker while controlling things in my pace.

Thanks Chris

-

My neck was in really bad shape this week, bad enough where I couldn't play poker. I didn't study though during that time. Sigh I am disappointed in myself sometimes. Well, here we are now the present moment my chance to take another shot to reach the next level.

Traveling, Trying harder then before, feeling uneasy.

Long time no update. Heh, I had nothing to say for a while so I decided not to. During this week I ended up going to Austria to go find out what to do/ needed some time to get away to improve my peace of mind. During this time I was trying to figure out what to do with my game in order to try to take it to the next level. The thought of confidence slowly sinks in as my heart begins to ache and wonder if this was all worth it in the first place. Am I fighting for something that is to hard beyond my comprehension? Is it because I'm not trying hard enough? Why are they so much smarter then I am at poker? How come I don't get "it"? Alas.. I decided maybe it was time to start stepping up my game and vamping it up some more so I started studying much more and I hope I can get "it". When I read or hear about the naturals who don't work and just suddenly get it and beat the game anyway I feel some sort of way and feel like I could do "that". But I don't / I can't. I'm not that talented, I'm not that smart. I am aware I need to work harder then, if not then back to a 9-5 for me as there will be a certain point where it won't be as viable and "worth" it anymore if I don't hit a specific goal. I have to be honest to myself, and realize there is a time where putting my time and energy onto some other venture will yield much more profits, take less time, and build a better future for myself. At this given moment in my life though I am willingly at any time wanting to put in more time, make less profits (although I hope for a suffice one), and worry about my future when the time comes when/if I lose my passion/ purpose for this game. There is so much doubt in myself and so much times where I want to give up, yet here I stand... trying again.

New Rhythm, New Things, New Goals.

I free'd myself from gym training 5-6 times a week while eating 6 meals a day. It was getting to myself too much. I couldn't focus on poker. I started feeling unmotivated, my energy felt drained. I felt like I couldn't maintain anymore, and it was hurting my love for poker too much. I decided to drop it, and focus on it 2-3x a week light training+ eating slightly less. I ended at 66.6 KG, which means I've picked up 14.5kg within 7 months or so, which is more then I could have imagined myself ever being in my life.

Anyway. I decided since things are changing maybe its time to start changing my pace and start playing in a different perspective. Maybe I need to stop hiding and start putting myself out there a bit more again, at least for a while. Let's experiment. I'll start posting graphs starting today, volume, how much I'm studying etc.

I get punished for playing a bit intoxicated, won't do that again.

played about 1.5k hands today and ended down 1.4k which isn't much, but was pretty dumb of me to play intoxicated, don't think I played close to my best game. heh should have just did off table work like I initially wanted to, thats the problem with alcohol sometimes.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OkWdPBU-WFU

Great posts man. I'm cheering for you!

You said the thing about grinding out an extra few thousand, instead of taking that vacation to the Bahamas? I'm going to share a piece of advice I learned from a youtube training video by our boy Phil Galfond. He talks about considering the real life happiness EV of your actions. See your decisions as what's most likely to bring value into your life, outside of poker! Take that trip man. You've earned it.

Yeah actually I came to the conclusion that, that was okay. I did end up traveling around now, and plan to do it much more frequently from now on.

Thanks man, really appreciate that.

--

I could be doing much better. I ended up drinking two nights in a row which is a bit unorthodox of me. I need to control myself better and put myself in a position where I only take one day off to go specifically out and do whatever I please, the rest of the time should solely be focused on poker. With occasional days of going out and working out, or maybe doing some cardio or something to stay fit.

I've played about 2900 hands so far, which is pretty less imo but okay considering what I was doing these last two days. I am currently down about 1.5k still and had a break even day yesterday. I am the most optimistic I've ever been for the future of myself, and hope to continue to work hard in order to achieve my goals. I really get the feeling that I can do this and do exceptionally well. After all, the other people I am playing are human as well... they are having the same flaws, the same mindset, the same leaks that I have or originally once had. Its just about picking it off one step at a time and perfecting it. I have a good feeling, and a certainty that I will reach the next level very soon.

What stakes do you play now?

Hey. I play 200-2knl.

Ended up winning 13 buy ins AT EV, 8 at regular, I definitely ran good today I also made a few errors in my opinion that I could have made a disciplined fold in.

ended up losing 6k at 2knl today which kind of sucks but okay happens.

Total now since: 5/20 + 2,911 euros Hands: 5219.

total hands: 7.8k - 2k euros.

I do believe I ran like complete dog **** today, think I played really well, have some hands to think about where I realize its probably just a fold actually. I actually get the impression I don't fold enough and click the call button too much in particular spots where its just never any good. Heh, duno, will go do a review and resume later.

lose 3k today. maybe 500 hands.
Didn't play good, didn't do my best.

I know I am playing other humans, we all think, we all try to figure out what is the best line we are all trying to take each other's money while playing this game. Yet there are other people who seemingly do it so much better then the rest of us. Why, why did this player become so much more outstanding, he thinks, he eats, he feels the same way I do. Thinking about this makes me feel great shame that I haven't made it farther then reassurance that given some more time it will change... because deep down I know I will be one of the greatest in this game I have to be... I don't think my life really makes sense if I don't become great at this game. I've devoted way too much time into this not to be.

There are times when I side track, there are times when I fall off and forget about this game and hate it so much. I never made my break through it feels really disheartening sometimes, knowing that other people out there, who worked there way up and made it yet here I am still standing in the middle never to surpass this stage, never to make my break through.

When will my time come? I suppose I have to amplify everything tenfold, maybe study two three times as much, maybe focus on fixing my set up, maybe do things that people just aren't thinking about or applying as much pressure into the importance of it. I'm probably doing everything about average, and that is why I am an average player. I know most people do this game for money, and I do to frankly its a huge measurement of how to succeed in this game. That is not why I also do it, I have so much ****ing pride and ego sometimes, I just have this great feeling and desire to defeat some of the toughest players in the world and make a **** ton of money along the way. The way the landscape is going, this is the only way anyway for HU.

I vow to myself that I will be one of the greatest poker players and I will do whatever it takes. This is one of the most important things in the world to me and I know I will feel great pride succeeding in this toughest possible climate the poker economy has ever been in.

Kind of angry at myself.

You know I'm very critical on myself on things like that. I ended losing 600 euros, but I got so tilted and was just really lucky today. I was a gambler today. Nothing is worse then that feeling of playing absolutely awful and just being unhappy/ unsatisfied with yourself I know why it happened and I promise it won't happen again. May ended up being one of my favorite months in many ways despite having another losing month, I'm extremely blessed. Life is good, and I anticipate great things for myself for the next few months. I hope by September, I pray I get my goals. I'm primarily chasing the money these next few months, so I will begin game selecting I will be one of the greatest players one day I don't know when but it will happen. Tune in...

I originally was going to play today, but today... I will go out walk around the city eat some good food and count my blessings. I'm perhaps becoming a bit spiritual more often lately. I'm always feel super lucky and secure in myself and the future whenever I count all the great things I have. I perhaps may take Sundays off from now on and every other day should generally be focused on playing.

Here is a graph since I haven't shown one in ages...

This week. . +1.5k hands from other graph so did a monstrous 24k hand week a personal record of mine, +5k euros on other one I separate them because different affiliates so this way its better to calculate how much rakeback I'm getting as well. All in all it's been a superb week, don't worry, I don't want to sell any illusions or anything I'm not doing this well all the time, I pretty much just finally recovered all my losses from last week.



#Blessed

do you still play hu?

Yes, I do.

Lost a ton these last few weeks. I'm still very grateful and optimistic, more then ever. You know, I was trying to be solid for a while and grind the easy money, I can't do it... I like the competition and I know I will be able to overcome this and figure it out, it will just take time, how long I'm not sure... I'm probably slightly crazy, and that's okay I'm here to play. Be one of the greats or die trying...

These insecurities start burying deep inside me. I've been trying so hard, but it's probably still so minor compared to everyone else. I'm probably an average player still, thats okay. I know that I recently barely started studying this game, so I deserved not to "get it" maybe I am figuring it out, just that I was so far behind that it will take much longer then anticipated. Here we go again... back to the grind I will try again, even harder. More time to figure **** out and get my act together. After I rebuild a bit, and work till I feel confident enough I will go back and start battling everyone again... I will be one of the greatest players.... believe it. Will never give up until I accomplish my mission cause one thing I know is that I ain't a quitter.

Happy Friday.

It's been a good week, I am happy. Work hard, study hard, play a lot and continually become better... It's my mission statement. I am disciplining myself, and am still optimistic about great things coming my way. I read a book called "Brain Rules" and it made me realize the importance of being proactive, so I am adding more frequent walks into my routine.

how come you dont post results thats what draws people to these things!

Boss mentality.

I'm not trying to draw attention based off results anyway, I'm doing this to kind of see what state I'm in and am using this as a utility to push myself forward as a poker player. I occasionally posts graphs and occasionally talk about losing/winning days, but not much. Due to the nature of what I'm doing, I think the results are somewhat insignificant in the short term anyway.

Thank you Viktor.

And the long term bro! Good stuff lately...

thx. I think long term results do come into effect, something like atleast 50-60k hands is each milestone for a good enough indicator, of what is going on, preferably 100k hands is a close to "true" assessment.

Well.. I did 52k hands this month, which is probably decent. I took some time off maybe 5 or 6 days, I also studied for 1.5 weeks straight almost everyday trying to figure things out, and lots of things "clicked" so it was actually a huuuge progression month for my game. I had close to 0 game selection for about 9/10th of the month, then I went out, battled and got slaughtered for 25k. For results, I ended up 19k(incl rakeback), my bb winrate sucks 3.5 bb or something... I'm here to play, come find me in the streets I'll be here waiting. I find it hard to believe that I won't be one of the best players... That certainly is not in my realm of understanding, I don't have much of a life outside of poker. How can you beat someone that doesn't have a life?!

Good:
-Had a lot of fun with some of my friends that I have met, whom I will meet again in Paris!

-Did a review and ended up battling someone who I originally had some trouble with, whom I presume (when it's closer in skill level you can never say for sure!) I'm better then at this current moment only when we do a proper battle is when we will figure out.

-Studied a few hours to improve on a couple of important key spots that I feel I was missing in my game.

Bad:
-Eh volume, had 10k hands most of it being from the last two days.

-Had alcohol almost everyday which ****s up my next day normally as I either don't play, or play much less hours because of the recovery effect.


This coming week should be better, I have less obligations and less people I'm meeting with so it should be an interesting week, also I have a feeling my game is much stronger then it was two weeks ago, which is great for my future EVBB winrate. Next week my game will reach new heights again, there are a couple of new things that I have been thinking about that I will find the solution to this week. Anyway, I'm here to play, buckle down boys, let some blood shed in the streets.