I know exactly how you feel man, seriously the exact same. Maybe it has something to do with where we are at in life (20 years old)? At this point, everyone I've known in my life is in either in school or working, but I question what it's all really adding up to. We are all socially conditioned from a young age to want, especially in the US. Someone born without the knowledge of money, wealth, toys, mansions, etc., would not have any desire to possess such objects, they merely survive and truly live life. The saddest part of all of it is that the simpler people live, the happier they are, yet you are looked down upon if your goal in life isn't to become wealthy, to some extent.

You obviously think on a level above most people, which is why I think you've done so well in poker in a relatively short period of time. Don't give up on it. The million may be a lot of money (and maybe even the reason you feel bad about that being your goal), but reaching that number is not what you set out to do. You have other reasons for wanting to reach a million, just realize what those are. Don't let the money cloud your judgement.

I could go on and on about this. I've spent the last year of my life in a semi-depressed state pondering questions that are too big to be asked. Once I gave up on needing a reason why, life became much simpler and I'm way happier than I've ever been. I am back to my old self, but on a whole other level, basically a beast of a human relative to my self even a year or two ago. I think on such different levels than most people, I'd imagine you are the same. We are at a tough time in our lives and it's impossible not to feel alone sometimes. The answers will come when you stop thinking about the questions, I promise. GL with all this.

P.S. Get a hobby outside of poker. Fitness doesn't count because we should all be doing that anyways and it doesn't stimulate your brain. For me it was music. Guitar, songwriting, even just listening to music and lyrics and understanding it on a deeper level. You need something that fuels your fire that has absolutely nothing to do with money, something that drives you to be the best for no one other than yourself. Find that thing and you will see the world differently.

Hey thanks for this, really needed it to know that someone else is feeling exactly how I feel. I enjoy asking these questions, sure I don't get the answer immediately but I feel like the thoughts will soon start piecing together. I'm in no rush, just a bit confused at the moment. I am not quitting poker; thoughts of it definitely went through my head of doing so.

I don't necessarily know if I want to reach the million or not, either way I just know I will be doing poker for the year, as I begin to find myself only time will tell how long I will proceed with this game.

I found my hobby actually I listen to music a lot as well; and I enjoy reading so I have been doing that a lot too .

FLOW:

Listened to a video about flow at the moment and it says the activities that cause it are

1) They require skills, that are of a similar level as the challenges
Poker does that, anytime you're not ready for a certain stage you must drop down in order to be ready for that specific stake once again. Being able to add extra tables, or being able to stick it through time in order to improve the mind.

2) They require awareness and deep involvement
Every board texture, every number from the hud, the perfect amount of times to check raise, check call and mix your range well enough so you don't get exploited.

3) They have clear goals and provide immediate feedback
See the growth for yourself, make money and take it all back home from the selective memories you've accomplished during this time span.

4) They demand high concentration
The ability to stay comfortable for hours to give it your all and to make sure your at your best at all moments. High Concentration playing the best possible poker you can if proven to be a winner can be drastic.

5) They demand a control of psychic energy
This means to control by force? I hope this isn't a misinterpretation, but to be able to take hold of a situation and be in control and hold yourself accountable in order to succeed in what needs to get done.

6) They cause a loss of self conscious; yet paradoxically the sense of self grows stronger afterwards
Some days I would tilt and not know why, continually clicking buttons not being able to stop. The next hour though it seems to always cause a big growth, that doesn't necessarily make me want to tilt every single time just for the sake of self growth as everything else will start to decline. But it will make me much more aware and prepared for next time and find a solution to prevent it, the saying of banging your head on the same wall every single time expecting a different result, that's something that I DON'T want to do.

7) They alter the sense of duration of time
I see time in a much different perspective now after meeting poker and growing with it.

Really interesting timing, your post about these thoughts and flow. I've been subscribed to your thread for a couple months now as I found the mind state you were projecting to be that of a player trying to really improve in a healthy way, both in and outside poker.

The timing is interesting because I've just began reading Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. I'm a little over quarter of the way through and whatever video you watched definitely touched on a lot of the material he's written about in this book, which revolves around his findings from broad studies on the existence of flow in individual's life experiences as well as references to classic psychology ideas. It's an interesting read, you might find value in giving it a look.

Good luck on your continued improvement! I'm free to talk poker and life if you're ever interested, feel free to PM me any time.

Yes, have gotten a referral from someone else to read that book. Definitely going to have to check it out.

Thank you so much; For sure should definitely have some talks about poker and life itself/ give me your skype so we can chat!?

--
As, the starting over began.. It felt weird at first, playing much lower stakes then I use to play. That entitlement of "I am a 1KNL player so I must play higher!!" type of thing was crossing my mind. But this is why the challenge begun really, to be able to stay disciplined and understand that during the last few days I was confused, and I found my self by realizing there is no answers to the questions that I seek after. To drop down to 50NL and play the Maximum stakes of 200NL, Definitely was tempted to touch 400NL as well but then realized that its ok, no pride needed, just figure yourself out and improve as a person.

The challenge was to rebuild, to make 5K euros and then go shot-take accordingly; Its just to get out of the feeling of being attached to the money, to always check HEM because of being so scared of hitting the stop loss. No need for that anymore; just going to have the goal of moving down whenever necessary; no ego involved rather stay rolled and continue improving as a player where $$ is not a factor that will scare me, drop down once and I will be able to drop down again, I need to let go of that ego. At the end of the day its ok to look at the results, but at any time before that its not good.



Total since starting: 1619.57/5000 euros.

nice posts. it's refreshing to hear from people who put their selves out there and open up. i think money vs happiness is a huge struggle for us all and one of life's biggest challenges. i'm still trying to figure it out haha.

re: psychic energy
this is when you soul read someone.

Thanks Jim. It is definitely a challenge but that's the great thing about life.

Is it really? Need to work on having some psychic energy lol.
--

"Usually they also end up creating enemies within their own organization,
because wherever they go, they find reasons for feeling bad and so their
pain body continues to find exactly what it is looking for. "

Read this passage today, and slowly but surely things are starting to connect. In past times there were always highs and lows, the low always seemed to over radiate the highs. Its no surprise that now that poker is better then it could have ever been, the mind (which is just all filled with thoughts), creates stories in order to find a reason to still feel this way. It makes a lot of sense the idea of a painbody, because experiencing it myself is certainly the case right now. To try and find reasons of why its bad and good seeing life as the highs and lows and channeling all the highs and letting go of all the lows case and point here is thoughts that ran through my MIND, instead of being aware and not reading between the lines:

1) "its not what I want to do the rest of my life."
This may very well be true, but at this very moment its right. There is no need to instill these thoughts into myself every single day rather be aware of it and say at this moment its right.

2) "taking money from others"
The idea of taking money from someone, its just money really as realizations hit me there is equally good and bad in every single situation whenever a transaction is made. May that be paying for rent, buying a house, renting a taxi etc. Money is what circulates the world or the "game" of the world, its not entirely needed but in this specific case of what is happening right now its something that needs to be done. Its not right, nor is it wrong it just is.

3) "Its not socially accepted"
The ego that hit in my head is that "people are looking down at me, they look at me as a gambler"

It was only one interaction with one person who said that, that's just the way life goes there is many perspectives to every single person, and they can think about you in a certain way. Either accept it and take it in a neutral or positive way, or take it in a negative way. In this case I do not see it in a positive way, actually first saw it in a negative way, now have been seeing it in a positive way, it enlightened a better understanding of being a human being.

Everyday reflecting on whats going on will only improve the outlook on life, will continue to do so every single time.

As this challenge began, it was the most hands I've ever put within 3 days 11223 hands
It has been great... although it could be better. Lacking some of the things that is needed for the set up. One still lacking a better mouse, monitor and desk. Was asking around for desks and someone was trying to charge 1100 euros for a custom built one.. too much really, so will keep looking around till a good deal arises.

Mission #1 complete.

Can't believe it happened within 4 days really; didn't have any losing days and ran really hot. Either way, I will know my roots I understand that there are highs and lows. So will not let this sink and just accept the results for what they are. Tomorrow and Tuesday will not be playing any poker and will resume again Wednesday playing 400NL; These next few days will be used very wisely though and will still be studying a lot about life and hopefully finishing the awakening book as well as other books that were referred to.

Mission #2: Going to play 50NL-400NL now until 25K Euros of profit.

sexy graph.
gl for the 25k.

GL! nice graph

Sick thread OP, looks like you made it in poker. How's the gym?

Thank you guys. In terms of making in poker don't necessarily think I made it, but definitely towards the right direction am feeling good about the current situation I am in.

The gym; I have gained some weight, but no where near to where I would want to be not even close, this is something that will be taken care of as well, have a roommate who is keeping me accountable, also am looking for boxing places over here at Malta, and hope that will be able to find a good one.

not playing any poker. Have been doing a lot and was told By Elliot that even though I am not burnt out anymore I shouldn't get into the habit again of doing poker 7 days a week even though feeling at the top of the world at the moment in terms of understanding and recognition. Tomorrow, will also not be playing any poker because I have to go to school it was either that or work a 9-5 (dining, think it would have been pretty cool as there is a lot of skill sets to learn there, and will remember the idea of extremely hard work again for little pay), was the only way to be able to stay in Malta past 90 days lol.

Although I like the idea of school, college girls from Malta, they will also think I am just a college student, think it will be nice because social communication skills is something that needs to be worked on for sure.
Seems weird but I am a bit excited, and poker/life/school/box schedule will need to be entirely re-arranged afterwards (my idea was to join boxing after this is settled b/c I need to know the exact schedules and match it to boxing classes, if not possible then will just stick to the gym and do home training and learn off the internet.)

The idea is that school will actually keep me from being burnt out as well.
Because its less learning about school itself and a lot of social interaction as well as learning more history about Malta from the people I plan on communicating with. Maybe even pick a pointer or two in school that can be applied in life (maybe not). Either way its something that must be done so always look at the positive sides /neutral sides if not don't look at all.

Lately been feeling a certain way that has been extremely positive, before (no offense to anyone reading the forums), just understand the situation and what flawed thinking I had in the past time. For some reason in the past time I enjoyed writing (sometimes, not always) you can probably tell from the lack of effort towards the middle/ the responses. In general I hated communicating with people as well, everyone in the community treated artificially and like was getting the idea of you guys were just "internet" people.

Just tell it how it is, now I genuinely enjoy talking to everyone (in fact yesterday did something never done in a long time, just went through skype list and just started chatting with everyone asking how they were and hoping for the best for them and understanding there situation.

Anyone that wants to communicate can send me a PM through skype (Maybe won't respond all the time as have a busy schedule, but definitely will be more respondent that I usually am).

As well as ask any questions on the blog and will answer as descriptively and real as possible.

Friday it will begin again.

lol back to school!

that's awesome man, being social and getting out of the house is great for the mind and spirit!

what classes are you taking?

Ya, thought it was cool. Honestly really don't know just trying to find any courses at the moment just to be able to stay longer past 90 dayas. The goal really is to maybe only go 1-2 hours a day max.

Really just want to be in Malta before they kick me out

Tried to apply to different schools, rejected rejected and maybe; they say until october is when I can start applying but will get kicked out by then, going to go look for some private schools, if not will do dining.

Met an amazing girl yesterday, wasn't physically attracted to her, but mentally she was on another level. It was great, had a two hour conversation with her; was about to ask her out on a date till she says she had a boyfriend. Oh well; That's Life.

Finally got a great maid over here and its been going much more smooth now with her around. As well as now looking for some desk tried ordering off amazon they don't ship here unless the actual person who ships it is amazon (not anyone else who retails through the site). Everything has been going just great, volume ended up not being bad by the end of the month about 28K hands (considering only played about 8-9 days) am definitely satisfied. Will step up the volume next month for sure.

Still know that I got a long way to go in poker, been looking for coaches so I could improve my game, seems hard to find any now a days really. Till then will just keep grinding it out.



Mission #2 Before Shottaking 600NL : 1639.36/25000 Euros

Played below average today..

It was one of those days where it was like "should I play" "I don't really feel like it", but I still did it anyways... really its a debate b/c didn't feel up for it but devils advocate, haven't been playing as much as I should have noticed I did a lot of subpar plays, did not like a lot of my play. Was C-Gaming and spacing out a bit. for sure. Towards the end ended up realizing it and playing better; was reg battling was a tough match for sure.



Mission #2 Before ShotTaking 600NL : -812.86 / 25000 Euros.

IF I lose 2K more Euros, Will drop down again and start all over. NP stay disciplined.

Was suppose to do coaching today, but noone really showed up/ everyone felt lazy today.

Happens; instead I decided to go play the stars table and played a very good Reg at 2/4. Respected his game for sure and it was a fun match, I ran really hot though in terms of everything card distribution and flips.

Was a great match and he left after losing 7 buy ins.

Have been learning a lot about the game, hehe how my thought process use to be so flawed in some spots. For example: In an AQ 10XX board I use to bet and call it a "semi-bluff", rather if I am betting it is for value. Seems obvious but didn't really know that heh, well thats what happens when you grow as a player things are now considered different. Definitely shout out to one of my Buddies Jabooo he opened my eye a bit although he refrained from telling me lots of things as he wants to keep the info for himself (respectable).

Did it IN US Currency B/c Stars is in Us Currency



Before Shot Taking 600NL : 1553.31/25000 Euros.

When good regs start give up with hero then looks like hero make awesome work...

yeah still got a long way to go though

I just put in a second session was playing very good at first even though I won I Definitely got outclassed in the end; done for the day, not playing tomorrow as well. Will need to think things over in terms of how to improve my strategy. Prob, will go back to not playing regs that are too tough for me for a bit as I devise a plan in order to beat them.

http://weaktight.com/6457418

oops spew. should have check checked on the turn; thoguht he had AX though and wanted to bluff him off by the river by two big streets. Played him for a while and he was playing very straight forward, didn't think he would check the nuts to me .

Instantly quit after that one.

Was up 15 buy ins at one point oh well, easy come easy go. Thats poker Was just fun really battling all regs, but like I say no Ego Involved, so the fact that I feel no edge was there will make me stay away for a little I ended up seeing some errors in my play, as well as theres; but need to find a way to combat it.



Still looking for a HU coach!

Sorry if I missed it but I checked the last couple pages and didn't see it. What happened with your arrangement with Gordon? I ask because I've seen you say you are looking for coaching a couple times now.

Thanks and GL. This is a great thread and what you have accomplished from nothing is very impressive.

Hi, actually we ended it on great terms; He taught me a lot in poker and he did take me from starting from nothing to where I am now. But there wasn't anymore or much more for him to teach me. I need some new insights to my game in order to reach to the top, there is never a time just for one coach (sometimes its just best from the beginning which in this case very well proved to be true), and sometimes you will need to meet other coaches along the way to skyrocket your game to the next level. Which is why I have been trying really hard to look for a new coach as I know there's still a long way to go.

Thanks for the reply and again best of luck. Will be following.

Your welcome; feel free to keep asking questions. Thank you!

Great to have people following

ok so.. its been somewhat of a swingy month; No surprise really considering majority of my action is from regs.

Gotta stop doing that for now and go back to going where the hourly is best. Also going to mainly play 100NL-400NL again (no more 50NL) was fun playing it again lol; but prob not the best to keep long term.. definitely good to know that I Could just drop down and start playing on there anytime though if necessary.