Leaving the PA market but will follow along. Gl

TY for chiming in. I rarely go full rager like that either. It was something about that session that turned it from playing poker to just straight up gambling to get lucky and that side of the game tends to tap into my dark side unfortunately. The flip side is that I'm at peace when I can play the game for what it is. A never ending sequence of decisions. And the object of the game is to just make the right one every time.

Ty bro. That really means a lot to me to hear you say that and I truly appreciate the support. It's easy to feel like I'm opening up too much after the fact but hearing you say that you appreciate it makes it easier to keep doing it so thanks. I had to laugh at your story haha. Cheers my man.

FACTS.

Overall I feel like I handle this part really well for the most part. Not sure if I'll ever get to the point where I am completely zen playing poker but I will try my best to reach there.


Hey man it was a pleasure playing with you! Where you off to next? Thx for stopping in.

Small Update

Games are pretty dead right now so I'll take this time to make a quick post.

This week has been another slow one for me. I've been having issues with procrastination and fatigue this month. Not sure what is up with the fatigue. Probably a variety of things related to my sleep and diet. Can't really fix the sleep as it's just due to my lifestyle that I don't get uninterrupted sleep anymore and probably won't for another few years until little Bobby is older. And I have a crazy cat that sleeps all day and parties all night and she wakes me up kicking the can down the hallway or whatever. I'm not complaining though. I've slept in jail cells for months at a time praying that I'll be able to see my kids again. I'll gladly sacrifice more sleep to be there for my family.

The procrastination is more of a mental block that I struggle with quite often. I'm the type of guy that struggles to get the ball rolling but once I do that is when I become dialed in and I'm at my peak performance. The downside is that eventually I flame out and have to start from square one trying to get that momentum rolling again. Good news is I feel like I'm back at that point where the momentum is high and I'm ready to do work. This might just be who I am. A part of me wishes I could be the consistent guy that puts in a couple 2 hour sessions every day at the same time and does yoga and meditates after every session but I'm just not wired like that. I'm either trying to play 100k hands a month and getting close or struggling to hit 20k haha. It is what it is.

On the poker front I've been focusing heavily on trying to break through into the 500 games. So far from my limited sample I've come to learn that the pool is a lot smaller than 200 and reg heavy with guys that play mostly 1k-5k and it's much harder to get a bunch of tables running and to keep them running. Could be bad timing because even the lower stakes are pretty dry lately unless its primetime hours. It's fun to face a new challenge but also a bit nerve wracking as I have to learn how to deal with bigger swings all over again. That will come with time though so just have to grin and bear it. Only 8k hands for the month Would like to finish the month with 30k hands so that's my goal for the rest of the month.

Not much else to say.

Thanks for reading!

Everyone u see posting their daily perfect routines on socials is just either ****ing delusional anyone really cares in the end or financially motivated, maybe both.

The guys u most often play against aren't anywhere close to their A game all the time, DUCY?

Yeah I really like this idea of poker (maybe life in general? ) as constructing a reasonable decision chain. It feels like that view is very psychologically useful when it comes to evaluating one's own play and dealing with variance.

Of course, hard to maintain such an attitude when things seem like they're going from bad to worse every time you put in a session.

Sick to see you reg battling 500 HU these days. GL

Yeah for sure. Just a sign of the times we live in. Seems like all SM posting has some form of ulterior motives attached to it whether it's financial or just some dude or girl trying to impress the opposite sex. Can never be so sure these days.

Very hard. I find when I'm in a rough stretch it's harder to pull the trigger on the aggressive actions that can potentially lead to more variance but are +EV in general and should be hit everytime regardless of if you are in your feelings or not. Getting better at it though.

Thx bro it was nice to see you doing well there too. Fun playing with you but you seriously have my number whenever we play lol.

Weekly Update

Break on through, to the other side...

So this week was a bit of a breakthrough for me mentally and philosophically wise in regards to poker. So one night when I couldn't fall asleep and I was just laying in bed staring at the ceiling I kind of had an epiphany about poker and about the way the game should be played, online at least. I realized that I play a lot of my sessions from a place of fear, even during those times where I'm excited and supremely confident to play, there is still that underlying fear that things may not go well. This fear can lead to missing or passing on +EV situations purely because of the fear of losing. I realize that in my best moments as a player, which has been mostly in spurts, I play fearless. And by fearless I don't mean I'm going apesht bananas and being hyper aggro but more so that I'm just playing without fear of losing money and just enjoying the game with pure joy and wonderment and instead of being fearful about say cold 4B KTs after CO open and BTN 3b because it we get called we are now in a high variance spot I just pull the trigger because it is the +EV thing to do. And instead of being in fear of what may happen I now find joy in what may possibly happen and just act accordingly.

I also realized that I still auto pilot certain spots way too much. Mostly in wide formations where ranges will have a higher proportion of unpaired combos and I've been finding better bluffcatches lately by being hyper aware of the situation instead of snap mucking King high because they OB river now I'll stop and think and say, "Wait a minute here...Hmmm, interesting."



Some less pretentious updates:

Have been playing the majority of my volume at nl500 this month. It was nerve wracking at first but I've settled in quite nicely after the initial terror of playing for 2.5x more than my previous stake has worn off. I'm pretty confident in my game atm and have been starting tables and battling any and everybody in an effort to get tables going. This weekend was a pretty rough one though so I still have to be careful to not let confidence cross over into arrogance because I'm still one bad stretch away from having to tuck my tail and go back to 200. (I still mix in 200 btw)

Now that 500 is my main game I've switched my schedule to playing evening hours since it's basically impossible to get more than 1 or 2 tables going during a weekday afternoon. This has helped a lot at home since now I don't have to stress so much about getting my free time and can take care of the household responsibilities and have fun with my family during the day and afternoon and then I can grind after dinner with no guilt about being selfish or whatever because daddy needs to get his volume in!

Moving up has also helped with the rakeback chests. Now it takes around 10 hours to clear instead of 20 so that's 330 cheeseburgers off the dollar menu every couple days. Sweet.

Last update I said goal was to hit 30k hands for the month. Well I'm happy to say that goal has been reached early haha. It's funny because I was re-reading OtB blog and he called 60k month a sht volume month Guess I'll be going for a sht month

Complete 180 from last week to this week. I hope to keep the momentum going and keep playing my game. It does need some refinement as I notice this weekend I was going a bit overboard with bluffcatching and trying to soul read so I should probably dial it back some. I still auto pilot more than I'd like since it's a behavior that's been fully entrenched in my mind for a long time but I'll try to be more aware of it from now on. I've cut out nl100 pretty much as it doesn't make sense to play that stake anymore from an hourly perspective. So I'll end this update with my lifetime stats there.

As always, thanks for reading

Grats on making the move to 500, having an online skillset is going to be very valuable in the USA over the coming years. After a few up/downswings you'll just be seeing it as big blinds again dw

So in, just blasted thru all posts. AWESOME thread very inspiring already and sure to be even more so as you continue to crush 500nl and beyond. I feel like I’m currently floating in that "struggling to put it all together phase" for my CFP, so it’s great to see that a) early struggles are probably just normal and b) there is hope. There’s a lot I want to comment on but like you, I’m finding it surprisingly time consuming to write up anything, even comments. It took me almost 5hrs the other day to write up a freaking journal post. But some highlights I enjoyed:

Meltdown post #72. Love the transparency and realness. I also take refuge in shows or YouTube browsing when I short circuit but have been thinking lately that if I can make myself sit with that feeling instead of reaching for sources of dopamine (excess food, consuming content, socializing as distraction) then I might be able to train myself to avoid that breaking point in the future. Like a dog. What a ridiculous situation.

Bring on the new age speak whenever, I have an insatiable appetite for woo. I also don’t consider it woo in the derogatory sense and only use that word bc it’s how most people reference those topics. “Mysticism” is more respectful and imo accurate but seems to turn more brains off to the subject. It’s like the Voldemort of the intellectual world.

Post #81 regarding fearlessness. This is everything. About a week ago I was playing a session where I was 99% sure one player was using RTA, and this same idea came to mind. They had many different flop sizings which all seemed perfect and their overall toughness was off the charts. Not just raw aggression, I was indifferent in every single hand vs them and it felt like I was playing 10kNL instead of 100nl. I could sense the fearlessness in their play, which held up a mirror for me to see just how damn fearful I was playing in comparison. How can we do this before we have the 200k hand sample to “justify” confidence? And it’s not like that 200k sample will permanently lock in our confidence anyway! I find that when I’m slightly tipsy, this state comes much more naturally where I feel like I won when I made the sharp play, and barely notice which way the pot is shipped. There HAS to be a way to reorient our brains to this “higher” win function instead of the default, results-based one that comes with the standard model. I'm certain that's where the poker gods are hiding ultimate happiness. Now we just need to find the map...

Keep up the great work, I look forward to future posts 😊

I thought I subbed to you before?? idk. This is a different one. Now you're playing ****ing 500nl.

Good work man. Nice to see the profit is there for the hardworking and committed.

Man how did I miss you having a PGC Bobby, ****ing in. I had been meaning to see how you've been lately on discord, but you're usually playing when I see you on there. Obviously you're doing quite well

Looking forward to more 500 hands, those two hero calls are great

congrats on making NL500 man well deserved

subbed GLGL

Hey guys thx for the love means a lot to me.

I'm just going to reply here to not clog with quotes.

Definitely have some optimism about the US market. Would like to see things progress faster but hopefully nationwide regulation will become a reality soon. Loving the updates Kag hoping you crush in Vegas.

partyp0kr! glad to see a living legend itt. You put thoughts into words so beautifully I'm not even on the same level so I'm humbled that you are enjoying the blog. It does seem like reaching that kind of mental state is a poker nirvana of sorts. Although I feel like I'm closing the gap I try to remain humble because poker has a funny way of reminding me when I least expect it that I'm not ready just yet

I'm always around on discord. If I don't answer right away I'll always answer eventually. Feel free to hmu whenever about whatever.

Steadily building up a sample at nl500. Feeling more comfortable by the day. Games are tough. Regs are tough. Rake is lower and getting rakeback makes it easier to turn a blind eye to that stuff though. I've realized I have a lot to learn about HU. I'm pretty clueless preflop when it comes to 3b/4b so I think I'll just stick to starting tables and stop battling regs for hours on end. At least for the time being. Definitely want to study HU more going forward because it is super fun to battle this way. I've been consistent with the volume since coming out the gate slow. Should get close to or above last months number. I've been watching a lot of OtB stuff on YT. I'm fangirling him hard lately He was truly something special.

Well deserved result for an astonishing human being you are

June Update

"...to be a billionaire, takes hard work for years,
some nights I shed a tear while I said my prayers..."

Procrastinating hard with this update so I'll try to make it quick. The cold hard truth is that I'm going through some mental issues atm. Mental residue from decades of faulty programming. The main problem is motivation. I'm very unmotivated lately and the few times I did play my mental toughness was non existent. If I was a fighter then I would've thrown in the towel the first time I got punched in the mouth. So I'm just trying to get that fire and passion back so I can get back to form and do what the F I gotta do. I do fee like I'm turning the corner but still not 100%. This whole situation is a bit heartbreaking for me but I do find that these situations force me into a deep introspection about myself or the self in general and I end up with a much better understanding of myself and that usually leads to some positive improvements. Sooner than later I hope.

Cbb to upload a graph and all that but here are the final numbers for June:

$~8k
50k hands
4bb/100
~2bb/100 in RB
Majority of hands played at nl500

Solid month. Best month profits wise which beats the record from last month. This was actually a formative month for me poker wise. So it is a bit disheartening to be dealing with this sudden lack of motivation. Again, I'm confident I'll figure this sht out and get back in the ring. Hopefully my next update will be way more positive.

That is all for now.

GL to all and have a great July.

I mean I don't know **** about **** all but

don't be too hard on yourself it's not like anyone else has figured out the big picture either regardless of how they seem, the secret would've been out ages ago

gl

Take mushrooms

The inner work is the hardest and potentially the most rewarding. Good luck with it.

This. In my experience mushrooms are very good in giving our brains a nice reset. Either microdosoing for some weeks or a full blown trip if you´re fancy on it

Thank you guys for the comments above. Truly appreciate the support.

Sadly, I let a 1/4oz of mushrooms go to waste by not sealing them properly and they spoiled and grew moldy in the basement. If I had them I would definitely drop a dose. I'm very keen to try DMT next time out. 15 minutes and you're done. This would be great for me as I like to trip alone and getting multiple hours by myself is damn near impossible these days.

Still no hours logged this month BUT I was watching the main coverage and that is always something that gets my juices flowing. Also had a long chat with a fellow PGC'er (s/o to booby) and he broke down why I'm feeling the way I do in a way I never thought about and it made so much sense and instead of feeling guilt and shame I started to feel hope and inspired again. The short end of it is that I've dealt with mental health issues in the not so distant past for most of my adult life. Mainly in the form of substance abuse. I've cultivated this energy of self sabotage around me for decades and now that I'm not using drugs as a coping mechanism this energy is just floating around in my head waiting to dissipate and not seeing it through this lens had me all sorts of fkd up in the head feeling like a failure and sht.

Now that I see that this is just my old demons coming back to haunt me and that I'm actually dealing with it as a healthy adult and not in the self-destructive ways that I used to gives me a sense of relief and allows me to be more compassionate with myself instead of telling myself that I'm a pvssy or a failure or whatever self hate I was doing to myself. This too shall pass.

Plan going forward is to just play 1 hour today and play my absolute best and just take it from there. I'm sure after the first hour or two it will feel like I never left.

The game is the game my friends. You either play the game or the game will play you.

Yeah , can feel it you got tired .

Happens to everyone at times .

Mostly some barriers , unwilling to face something , unwilling to think of something .

Nice thread , enjoyed reading .

No opinion on mushrooms , haven't tried .

Good luck , sure we will get on !

Thank you bro. Your posts are a joy to read. I have been following your threads and agree with many of your thoughts.

You were absolutely right. I was just burnt out. I've realized that my cycle of peak performance consists of burning the candle at both ends. This leads to a much longer recovery period. Not realizing this led me to think there was something wrong with me for needing to rest for so long. I'm going through the cycle again. Since my last post I have played around 12 hours and was awake from Friday 0900 until Saturday 0900 and only got 2.5 hours of sleep. Now I'm awake and trying to get a nap in so I can put in a solid grind tonight.

I may have some bi-polar issues idk. Maybe that is just made up bullsht by big pharma and the medical conglomerate to pump their prescriptions aka $$$ because I love working this way and I don't feel like I'm "sick". When my feet hit the ground after waking up I am excited and filled with joy that I have another day to do what I love to do. The downside is during the recovery phase it is complete opposite and I hate myself for not feeling that joy anymore. But it always comes back eventually

So yeah, I'm back on my sht again

Well, I will say that bipolar is definitely not just some bullshit made up by big pharma lol, it's a very serious mental health condition that generally needs at least some level of monitoring and treatment if you don't want to **** up your life during a manic phase

If you find yourself only sleeping 3-4 hours a night and waking up feeling completely rested over the next couple of days, then I would strongly suggest that you seek out a mental health professional

Maybe so maybe no. Who am I to say really? First off I want to apologize for calling bi-polar bullshit and did not mean to offend anyone that may have been diagnosed with that. Not my intention. Just an opinion.

I've been operating like this for so long now. I can't for the life of me sleep longer than 6 hours and I usually wake up between the lower end of the 4-6 hour mark. Think I slept 5 hours last night and woke up feeling fine just sore af from this new workout program I've been doing. Thanks for your concern white I appreciate it.

Little update while I'm here. Decent grind last night. Even better today as far as volume goes. Mostly frustration the last 10k hands but nothing crazy. Just breakevenish. Also ran deep in the 2 mtts I played this weekend. FT'd one today but may have made a bit of an ICM punt but it was only for a $100 pay jump so probably not as bad as I was thinking. SS was on dust (2bbs) and SB who covers shoved on my BB and I called with ATo. He had A3s and ofc flopped a FD and ofc turned a 3. All good though. I feel like I'm getting better at mtt nuance. Big s/o to @Paul12907. Got some coaching from him and really helped fix some fundamental strategy flaws that I was clinging to. YDKWYDK.

Think I'll take a break tomorrow and grind out my tagged hands. The backlog is growing. Probably 50 and counting. After that it's back to the grind to keep the momentum going. And to try and get more sleep

Oh okay, that doesn't really sound like bipolar to me if you consistently have trouble sleeping. Not necessarily bad though if you only sleep 5-6 hours at night but usually catch a nap during the day. Staying up for 24 hours then only sleeping 2 hours is definitely bad for you though lol

But sure thing Bobby. I've known a couple people with full-blown bipolar disorder, and it can be pretty scary to see