"...Been through hard times, even worked part time, in a Key Food store sweeping floors sometimes...”


JULY

Another month. Another period of reflection.

Very frustrating month from all angles. From work-life balance to results there was always something left to be desired. July is traditionally a slow month for me as my father comes to visit this time every year for my daughter's (his granddaughter's) birthday and that is about a week where my schedule is revolved around other things. Add in my slow start to the month and breaking even for about 70k hands and the mental struggles that created and I'm just ready to put July 2022 in the rear view mirror.

This has been maybe the toughest month I've had to deal with as a pro. I’ve had to come to a realization of who I am as a player and more importantly as a person and to learn which traits are conducive to the goals I am trying to achieve and which are not. The reality is that my career as a poker pro is still in its infancy and the lessons learned by the seasoned and grizzled vets is still new to me.

My last few posts have shown what my approach to poker is all about. I’m a ‘boom and bust’ type of player. I’m usually on one side of the spectrum or the other. I’m a prisoner to the variance. I will never reach my full potential playing this way. It relies too heavily on emotion. Emotions are good. But when it comes to playing poker for a living it is nothing but cancer for the mind. So I am rededicating my time to tackle this problem once and for all. Society has programmed me with faulty code. The type of code that is not suitable for the life I have chosen. I always have one foot on the gas and the other on the brake. The game isn’t stopping me. The other regs in the pool aren’t stopping me. Life’s challenges aren't stopping me. The only thing stopping me from success is myself. The sooner I realize that the game has no favorites. The game picks no sides. The game just is. The sooner I’ll be able to reach my full potential.

With all that said, this month has lead to a lot of positive self-discovery and has once again forced me to go back to the drawing board to strengthen my areas of weakness. Technically, I think my game is perfectly suited to win at the stakes that I'm currently playing. Mentally is another story and this will be my biggest area of focus going forward. I've had some great talks with some really great people. Yall' know who you are. Consistency is the key. The reality of life is that you are not going to feel "good" all of the time. And if I only choose to work when I feel good well then a month like this happens. A true professional gets it done no matter how they feel.

This is the next evolution.

Time to get out of my own way.

RESULTS (JUNE+JULY since I missed last month)





Looks like a stock market graph to me. Support at the 1500bb level and resistance at the 2500 level for what feels like forever. Once I break resistance boyyyyy watch out!

GOALS

Not much of a goal setter but hey it can't hurt.

[ ] 100 hours for the month
[ ] Meditate everyday this month
[ ] Complete 4 weeks of fitness program I paid for

That'll do.

Adiós.

Good stuff man. Hope you crush this month.

i'm sure goals can motivate but they can hurt too if like after missing a day of meditation u neglect it for the rest of the month cause in ur mind u already failed and it doesn't matter anymore or like forcing volume by mindlessly autopiloting at the end of the month just to hit a target

Hey BobbyPeru, what does Poker mean to you? Maybe the way you view this game, consciously or unconsciously, is the cause of your mental game issues?

I´m trying to dissociate poker from any form of competitive sport, as I realize this approach, when combined with my a bit unhealthier competitive nature, is harming my mindset. I found that the old work/grind mentality, and visualize what we´re doing as investing, with all the short/medium term vagaries we see in the stock market for example, fits me better, improves my mental game and makes me want to put volume to get my long term expected returns

Do you have a therapist/mental game coach available at your CFP? Maybe talking with him would help you I guess?

Cheers

They can definitely cause more stress. Honestly, I fail at goals so often that when I do it doesn't affect me all too much. These goals are quite simple and within reach for me plus they are things I should be doing anyways. For example the 100 hours is just something I should hit every month quite easily but have struggled with because I always find an excuse not to play because I'm constantly in some kind of state of fear and I'm trying to conquer this.

Hey Faz, yeah I have definitely been trying to come to terms with how I view the game. There are so many factors at work that if I spelled it all out I would end up typing for hours. I love the investing metaphor and am trying to shift my mindset towards this approach. I've been reading this book Trading in the Zone which is a psychology book about the stock market but translates well to the life of a professional poker player. The main theme is to think in probabilities and not to think emotionally.

And yeah I get that being too competitive can backfire. For instance I played the last 2 months playing anyone and everyone. Fish or no fish. Starting tables. Battling regs HU for hours. All for the competition and I guess to prove to myself and to the regs that I'm the fkg boss here now. Funny part is there is maybe 1 or 2 500 regs that will actually battle me while everyone else has given up trying to play me. The funny part is that I have earned the respect yet I'm as unconfident as I have ever been so it was all for nothing. Maybe not for nothing in the long run but for the present it has been more curse than gift.

I still think having competitive fire is needed if you are trying to be the best and reach the top but it in a game with such crazy uncertainty it has be to controlled in some way. Even with a supercar you can't just put your foot to the floor or you will most certainly crash and burn.

No we do not have mental coach. It would be nice to have one.

Your Aug 1st post has me SUPER fired up LET'S GO!

LOL I better set a price alert. Bobby2themoon. I wish HM had an option to graph in candlesticks, would be neat and says a bit more about the sample.

That would unironically be kinda useful. Show the spread. Could maybe do candlesticks with hand samples as time wouldn't make much sense.

Hey bobby, looks like you're crushing!

If you're into meditation + fitness (I am as well atm) you should definitely try out some forms of yoga. Yoga is amazing for flexibility and doing it after a workout really helps me wind down and shift gears even if it's for 15 minutes. It's similar to meditation in the sense that you really have to pay attention to your body/breathing to get good results.

Hey man long time! Good to hear from you.

+1 on the yoga. The fitness course I'm doing has yoga routines to bookend the week and it's awesome.

UPDATE

"...I was sort of a porter taking the next man's orders, breaking my back for a shack from headquarters,
All my manpower for four bucks an hour, took my time and wrote rhymes in the shower..."

GRAPH



STAKES



“I know it hurts…But it’s the kind of pain that helps you grow.”

Above quote was from the fitness course I started doing this month and it made me smile because it reminds me of trying to find a silver lining during the difficult times that poker brings. This month was another long and stressful breakeven stretch that tested my patience on a daily and sometimes hourly basis. My last session of the month was so bad from a mental game perspective that I had to force myself to take 2-3 days off minimum. Maybe more. But I’m already getting the itch to play so I’ll probably get back on the grind sooner than later.

During these days off I’ve been reading bbissick blog from start to end and it’s pretty crazy to see just how many similarities we have in the early phases of our poker journey. It’s been quite inspiring to read how he got through the various struggles and it reminds me that I’m not special, I’m not cursed, I’m not the only one. Getting through this **** is a rite of passage for the poker pro and it’s probably the game’s way of weeding out the contenders from the pretenders. If you can’t swim then you bound to drown.

One of the big differences between us that stands out is that he was in his mid 20s while I just turned 40 a few weeks ago this month. He was at the time essentially single while I’m already deep in a long term relationship and raising a family to boot. And as far as life experiences go, if any of you remember Oladipo and his life story, let’s just say my life experiences are much closer in comparison to his and are light years away from bb. I’ve never been a best man. I’ve never been a groomsmen. I never went to prom. I never went to college. ****, I never graduated HS. And the list goes on.

I don’t highlight these things for anyone’s pity. In fact, I find it shameful and embarrassing for a person my age. But it is a huge catalyst for why I feel such a sense of urgency times a thousand. I’m in such a rush to erase the failures of my past and to write a new chapter in my life that I and the people close to me can be proud of. And I know some will scoff at the idea of being proud at winning at a card game and I get it, I truly do. But it’s all I got. I’m married to the game at this point. And if I don’t make this work then it’s curtains for me. And having that looming over my head, whether it’s real or imagined, makes a losing or breakeven month feel that much more painful and like a giant 2 steps backwards.

But then I think back to last year this time. I was struggling a bit at 50nl just hoping for some heat so I can take a shot at 100nl and dreaming about being able to play 200nl one day. Back to the present and I’ve played nearly 200k hands at 200nl and 50k hands at 500nl and I’m firmly entrenched as a regular in the 200nl games and could be regging the 500 games if I wanted to but after breaking even for about 75 days I’m just too pussy mentally to make it my main game and deal with the swings atm. But when I stop to look at things from this perspective it reminds me how far I’ve come from where I started and that I should be more grateful for the position I’m in instead of being sad that I still have to play 200nl. It’s quite hilarious now that I type it out.


And there is still so much more I can achieve if I put forth my best effort and put my mind to it. If I’m being honest, my effort can and should be much better than what it has been. If I want to give myself the best shot of becoming a 24/7 500nl reg then I have to become a lot more professional with my approach from here on out. This will be a good commitment for me to make for September and beyond.

“Don’t cry, dry your eye…”

It wasn’t all doom and gloom this month. I started and have been following the fitness course this month and that means I did more exercise this month than I have the entire year put together. It’s pretty cool because I’m starting to see some physical changes and I’ve lost about 4lbs while still eating like **** which gives me some hope that I can actually achieve some great results if I can stay disciplined.

I managed to play my highest volume for the year in terms of hours so I’m really happy about that and look to keep that momentum going from now until the end of the year. I really think I should be playing more so I can get out of 200 as my main stake so I will try for 120 hours this month. The games have been really good lately and with NFL starting next week I expect this trend to continue so game selection will not be an issue and there is no excuse for me to not hit this.

I finally got over the fear and procrastination of buying a solver and got GTO+. (Not baller enough for PIO, yet.) The main thing stopping me from buying one was the thought that there would be a steep learning curve and I didn’t want to deal with that **** when I can just use GTOWizard for everything. Surprisingly, the learning curve was not so bad and I’m really excited about figuring out the best way to play a strategy I feel comfortable with and building my own trees and solutions. During one of these days off I solved a hundred flops for BB vs BTN SRP and I’m looking forward to grinding the trainer and not having to deal with wizard’s 8 flop sizings. (I still love wizard and it will always be a mainstay in the tool box.)

We had a 19 outbreak go through the house this week. Everyone in the house got sick except for me. Funny how that works.

That is all for now.

Thanks for reading.

Good stuff BP. Great vol

I consider poker the hardest thing I've ever had to learn (and I was a smug **** with a degree). and i'll be proud as a mf when I reach even minimum wage levels. Nowhere to hide and a true test of one's thinking capabilities like nothing else. 50-500nl in a year is wild

Second this.

I graduated high school at the top of my class… got into a university with an acceptance rate ~10%. Started studying NLHE 5 years ago, and I still struggle at 25nl.

Poker is humbling. The fact that you’ve worked your way up to low/mid stakes online in the 2020’s is worth celebrating in itself.

ty for the kind words

Arrogantly spoke too soon there! A day or two after posting that I tested positive and my god was it brutal to deal with. I was literally bedridden for days while dealing with various related ailments like fever, chills, terrible body aches, pounding headache for about 36 hours straight, dehydration, nausea, lack of appetite and sleep deprivation just to name a few.

It's been about 5 days since I felt the first symptoms and I'm finally starting to feel close to normal again. While I was sick I could not even stomach the thought of thinking about poker much less playing it so this month I have played 0 hands so far. But now that the symptoms have died down, my passion for poker is slowly growing again. I have to make sure to be patient with myself though because for me it takes time to get back into that mindset and that time can be frustrating for a person like me because I want nothing more than to sink back into it and be in a place where the ideas and the passion start flowing naturally and I want to just live in there for as long as I can. Because it always ends eventually for one reason or another until it happens again. I truly cherish these moments when looking back.

So my focus for now will be to ease back into things and take a different approach to what I have been doing for the past 4 to 5 months which is to play less tables and possibly increase the average stake level as I see fit and not be too worried about playing 50-60k hands this month. I need to just focus, turn the music off and play solid.

I've done a lot of thinking about money. Money is always a constant source of stress when dealing with a large family. It seems like every month it's always something. Birthdays, holidays, and now with class back in session you got the school shaking you down every other week for some bullshit. I guess the main thought that popped into my head was that I don't have to pigeonhole myself to having only one source of income. A savvy businessman will have multiple streams of income revenue coming in from all angles. So how could I create this for myself?

Well, the most natural way would be to start creating content in the form of twitch streams and youtube videos and using those platforms as a launch pad for various click for pay type revenue like affiliate links, merch, coaching and what not. Sounds good in theory but the more I think about it the more I realize that I just don't have the patience or the desire to put any type of effort into any of that. So it seems that my only path to having a shot at financial freedom is going to be playing and winning in mid-stakes poker games 5/10+ and beyond and take it from there.

Anyways, I'm just rambling now. Looking forward to NFL kickoff today. My favorite team the NY Jets are always a dumpster fire of a franchise and have somehow managed to destroy our chances of having a good season before the first snap of the year. Only the Jets man I tell ya.

I somewhat disagree on needing multiple income streams. There's nothing wrong with it if you can do it, but you risk spreading yourself too thin. I suspect people who focus on one area and really make that their focus do better on average than ones who try to branch out. You just hear more about the success stories of those people/companies that expanded and it worked, than all the times it was a setback. I like having passive income through index funds, but more side hustles outside of that? no thanks. I'm busy enough.

Heck yeah feels so good to be on a fitness routine that is working for you. Keep it up!

Just caught up on the last few pages. Great read, and it is refreshing to see how honest you are about your struggles. Keep grinding and don't get caught up in the short term variance.

Sorry for the late reply. This month has been a rollercoaster. A rollercoaster stuck at the bottom. I spent most of the month despising poker and myself. Then I woke up Monday and said ok enough is enough. I love poker again. And myself again. For now. Time will tell. I'll explain more in September wrap up.

Yeah I feel you on that. I was thinking more along the lines of finding ways to branch out and expand from doing the things you already do and creating extra revenue. Example, I worked for a recycling dump many years ago and they would take the glass bottles and crush them into a fine powder and I assume sell the powder as sand. Obviously the best comparison for poker would be coaching. I like the index funds and passive idea way more tbh. The general point though was that relying on solely poker income is ****ing nuts and I was naive to think it wouldn't be as hard as it has been.

Goddamn right! Thanks.

Ty bro. Sometimes I feel I'm a bit too honest and oversharing. I guess the hope in being a little vulnerable is that someone will relate and maybe it will help them in some way. I'm glad you enjoy it.

“It’s been a long time, I shouldn’t have left you…”

2022



“I’m still livin’ like a $4 vic, a lot of trouble for a little bit of win…”
https://genius.com/El-p-4-vic-nothin...-me-ftl-lyrics


It didn’t sit right with me just letting this thread die out but I just couldn’t muster the inspiration to write anything. But, I’m in the writing mood tonight so I wrote a blog about it like to hear it, here it go.

The last quarter of the year were some of the toughest times I had to go through in recent memory. Something about December and Christmas and the end of the year has led to some sort of seasonal depression for the last few years. What should be a happy time for me and my family is more so a reminder that I’m nowhere near where I want to be as a person, a father, a provider, a man. That I wasted another year not living to my full potential.

When I look back at 2022 as a whole I feel mostly regret. The good thing about a new year though is that you get to hit a mental reset and put all that in the past and forge ahead with renewed optimism. Even if deep down inside you know that the calendar switching over to a new number is nothing but trivial mental gymnastics. For people like me, it sure as hell helps.

The main thing I feel regret about from last year is not making enough money. And the main reason for that is because I was lazy and mentally weak. I won $30k in 900 hours which averages to about 75 hours per month. Those are part time hours. I could’ve added another $15-20k in EV if I could’ve averaged another measly 25 hours a month more. This year there are no excuses. My winrate is not the highest but it’s still good enough to make a decent living. And the reason it’s not higher is because I didn’t work hard enough to improve both technically and mentally. But the fact remains, if I want to make money then I need to PUT MY ASS IN THE CHAIR. The rest will take care of itself.

Despite the lackluster results, the process of adding up my hours, profits, rakeback and what not was a real eye opener for me. It helped me to realize that the amount of mental anguish and suffering I put myself through because of short term run bad is utterly pointless. PUSSY SH.IT! The negative variance is just the price we pay in the short term to win big in the long term. Lose 20 buy ins today. Win 400 buy ins at the end of the year. I’ll take that deal. But from now on, I won’t cry about it.

“Wise is the one who flavors the future with salt from the past…”

I learned a lot from last year and I have big plans for this year. I’m quietly trudging away this month at the tables and am on pace for my biggest volume month ever and the plan is to keep that momentum going all year. JUST PUT YOUR ASS IN THE CHAIR. In order to almost double my volume this year that means a lot of fat has to get cut off the steak. I visit 2p2 only once in a while now and I’m done with the cesspools that are instagram and twitter. Nothing but a Pandora’s box of wasted time and pretentious opinions. Same with discord. Funny thing is, you can say the same thing about this blog.

After I finally calculated all my results and profits for last year and calculated my EV for this year, I had a moment of clarity. It was only a few years ago that I was living in a halfway house, working as a dishwasher at a Texas Roadhouse, getting blisters on my fingertips from handling hot ass dinner plates. All for $9 bucks an hour while wondering if I’d ever get to see my kids again. This year I made $33/hr playing online poker and I got to see my kids wake up every morning and go to sleep every night. And my hands stayed smoother than Palmolive.

I guess this year wasn’t so bad after all.

2023 Q1 GOAL: 400 hours

PEACE

Appreciate the thread.. its helpful to know what others in a similar situation are going thru.

Also in my 40's, no HS diploma, poker is also my best shot at a decent hourly rate at this point in life.

Also supporting a child.

Also made less than I wanted last year from poker, but more than I could have made working a regular job.

A mix of success and failure!

Neither of us have the free time or energy of the youth!

But we have life experience, some wisdom, and hopefully more grit than the young whippersnappers.

We may not have the fire that some kids do, but we have the patience and the discipline.

Battles are won with fire, but wars are won patience.

Just keep doubling down on the things you can control and letting go of the things you cannot!

Being truly successful at the pokers means being truly successful at life!

There is no better motivator than a child in this world.

Being able to be there for our kids the last few years, makes us more successful than most!

Even if we make less than other poker pros, we probably get a lot more out of life.

I think you are winning way more than you think

Good stuff, I'm glad to see the thread bumped. And it highlights one of the biggest differences between recreation players and pros, and that's volume. I feel like a lot of new players typically ask about how to find motivation to play more, etc. and my advice is usually the same. Unless you're a pro whose financial stability is centered around playing, then don't worry about. Study when you can, play when you want, and focus on getting better, not playing more. However your thread gets into the other side of it. As a pro you have to grind. Mental game is more important because "just take a break" is no longer a viable option.

Good results on the year. I'm sure you'd like that winrate higher, we all would, but anything in the green is good. Hopefully your shots at 500NL go better this year. I'm not sure if you play like I do and only jump in when you like the lineup, but I find that helps a lot. Who knows, maybe you'll have a shot at my bankroll this year. MI and NJ just merged player pools, and I think PA may happen at some point as well.

Great stuff bobby, I too was away for a bit and was just thinking about finding your thread and checking in on you. Seems we were both gone about the same amount of time good to see you posting again.

Yes, there's something extra demoralizing about losing in December, in nearly a decade of professional gambling, I lost 28k in December 2021, worst month prior to that lifetime is in a 4 digit number so this was several multiples worse than the worst month I've ever experienced. Just soul crushing, turned my best year ever into a pretty average one

Being at the end of the year, you've already kind of thought "yeah this was a good year" before that downswing happens. Then throw in holidays and family and all the extra living expenses in December and it's just a brutal beatdown. Worst thing about it is you can't shake the feeling of "I suck so much that if I just didn't play at all this month I would have been much better off" And I don't even have kids to support so I can't imagine what extra pressure that creates.

December downswings suck, love seeing your journey, like you said yourself, don't get discouraged from small blips and look at the big picture and overall progress. If we never felt like imposters, we'd never push ourselves to improve and get to where we've gotten so take that negative energy and run with it as inspiration to continue the journey.

glgl and looking forward to following along your journey

are there any places to play live where you live? have you considered mixing that in?

I am also endlessly grateful for the life that poker lets me live.

I make more money than most employees in jobs that require higher education (after being completely broke some years ago after my business failed), which is plenty for me, cause at my age I dont desire to buy "stuff" anymore , dont even like to own a car ........ and my boy is out of the house and does pretty well for himself, which is the most important for me ....... and I can spoil him a little from time to time

..... so poker lets this ol dog live the live of a careless puppy - nice dinner out daily, fun at the weekends and in the summer, daily in the nature / at the beach, and actually lots of nice interactions with you young poker nerds

glglgl and a blessed life to you & your family in 2023

Lucker

Hey man,

I have noticed over the years that most poker players do not hit their hourly goals for the year. They say they want to do "x hours" and thats it. As the year progresses they fall more and more behind. I have made my living both live and on line and have found that scheduling everything out in advance makes it very easy for me to hit my goals.

Live poker there are times when I have to play - wsop, big wknds, rodeo, march madness, etc. There are also great times to take a vaca - post wsop, between thksgiving and xmas etc. So I could plan my whole year out and know exactly where my hours were coming from.

On line is not like that and its really easy to get into that mode of "ima get at it tomorrow" and suddenly april rolls around and your volume is 30% behind.
My goal was to play x hands per year so 1/12x per month. I know I need to play a certain number of sessions to hit that goal and I would make my schedule so that I would play that number.

Accountability and planning are critical to success imo.

Best of luck

Nice to see some engagement and well wishes. Thank you folks.

Hey bro I appreciate you. Thanks for the post. There truly is a comfort in solidarity. It really does help to know that somebody out there can relate and is going through similar. And the last thing you said hit the nail on the head. I will remind myself from now on when I'm running below EV at the tables I'm making back and then some in life EV. GL to you my man.

Thanks koss. Good to see you. Very good points. I think if I never spent another minute studying, as long as my mental game was superior to the rest it would still be good enough to win in the pool. Mental game is one of if not THE most important skill to build and grow. I probably took 35-60 days off last year due to poor mindset. I do feel that I'm slowly improving in this area.

Merged pool sounds awesome! Can't wait for it to happen. Looks fun when I watch the DavidKaye streams. Do you ever play with him? I always wonder if there is any 2p2ers playing on his streams.

Rick! Good to see you back my man. I was binge reading an older thread and noticed one of your post and realized you disappeared with no trace and was legit worried and hoping you were okay. Good to see that you are.

Yeah December run bad sucks. 2nd year in a row I had it happen but I have to take some of the blame as the last Q of the year was not my best volume wise so I put myself behind the 8 ball which led to more stress than normal. Hopefully next December I'll be in a position to actually take most of the month off and enjoy it!

I'm about a half hour away from both Wind Creek and Mt. Airy. I love and miss playing live so I'll for sure add some live into the mix in the future. Right now my roll is not big enough for me to take a chunk out and dedicate it for a live roll. I mean, it probably is but the older I get the more risk averse I become and I'd rather have a roll than bring 2 or 3 buy ins and take a shot. I play much better when I don't have to stress over winning and losing.

Lock! Great to hear from you. Thanks for the wise words of wisdom. Glad to hear you have a great relationship with your son. I have two sons. The oldest is 12 and the youngest will turn 3 in 2 weeks. It's very important to me to and fulfilling to be able to guide and mentor my boys into men and to be good human beings. I think I've done well with my oldest. He's light years ahead of where I was mentally and emotionally at his age. He's a big help around the house, does well in school, has many friends, and is a great big brother to the little one. I'm really proud of him.

Thank your for the gl and the same to you and yours.

Hey squid.

I think my best month volume wise was the month where I was on a dedicated schedule and I loved it so much. It truly does help to have these things in order. But then Mrs. Peru got a new job and a new schedule and mentally this was too much for me to overcome and instead of re-planning and figuring out a new schedule I reverted back to old habits. Now that the sting of all of that has worn off I think I will take some time today to plan out a solid schedule going forward.

Thanks for the advice.

Oh yeah, there are several 2+2ers that frequent the 200/500NL pool on Stars MI that make regular appearances on the stream. And those are just the ones I know of, I'm sure there's a few more who post here but keep their anonymity on the site.

I've played with him a little bit, but don't look too hard for me (my stars screen name is Yachem25). I used to never play with him back when he was primarily 500NL and was done streaming by 5pm (earliest I can usually get on was around 8). But now that he's playing more 200NL as a Stars pro and seems to be streaming later I clip the end occasionally.

We're 3 weeks post MI/NJ merge so far and I'd say it's mixed to negative unfortunately. There are definitely more games now but they are more reggy, but on average the 200NL NJ regs I think are a tick worse than the MI regs, or maybe I just don't have the samples yet. But I have to do a lot more table hopping and wait listing to get on to fishy tables. It's driven me to play more on our un-merged sites we have here (BetMGM and WSOP).

I'd rather PA stay separate so we get to keep all of the whale regs to ourselves who torch multiple buyins every day.