Now moving to 2009, I am still with Meaghan but things are rocky. I have this strange inclination to get hammered on the weekends, call her up and basically scream at her. Every morning after I’d walk to her house and patch things up. Eventually I cross the line by emotionally cheating on her with a girl I wasnt even truly interested in. I guess I just craved that validation.

Im actually able to land yet another shot with her a few months later and it’s right around Halloween time. We make plans to go to a giant corn maze around half an hour away from where we’re from. The night goes well, all that’s stopping me from repairing this puppy love relationship is not having a Super Bowl 50 esque meltdown.

We get Taco Bell on the way back home (it’s kind of weird seeing what a part Taco Bell has and still is playing in my life) I overeat after realizing my victory. No big deal right? On the drive back, I feel a weird energy. Trying to put myself in her shoes she must have wondered if she was making the right move. We finally end up outside of my house (she drove me, I know embarrassing) and my stomach is feeling not only the amount of food I pushed into it, but the obvious tension. We talk shortly about how we should move forward and I can’t hold it anymore. I’m upchucking and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.

Luckily it’s garbage day and the black can is out and waiting just for me it seems. I’m barely able to lift the lid up and over before my guts blow out of my throat. By the second heave I could hear her peeling out. I guess I could say I was the 2016 Atlanta Falcons before they were themselves. There never was any more meaningful involvement between Meaghan and I.

Chris, Nick, and I write and practice together as a 3 piece for a while. By the time we meet our “true” frontman, we’ve graduated high school. Keep in mind that we’ve been through audition after audition for singers at this point. The ad Chris would post always stressed how we write pop punk and weren’t really interested in any other genre. Despite this almost everyone who showed up wanted to write post-hardcore and one guy even wanted us to turn reggae. I still don’t understand why these people responded and I probably never will.

We load up and head to the next town over to check out this guys chops, not expecting much. He did not disappoint. He was supremely talented and we all meshed together personality wise. This felt like IT. I would think often during this time about how we were we right at the beginning of something life changing. The name of our missing puzzle piece is Tommy.

Playing again in Venetian 2/5, 2 ep limps I raise K10cc in MP. Button, SB and one limper calls. Flop J 9 9r. We all check and turn offsuit 3. Again checked through, you can definitely make a case for us betting here and a good bit of rivers, that’s more likely optimal than my line. River beautiful K and SB leads 75. He big target, he called a triple barrel river shove from me with 2nd pair 3 kicker. We definitely fist pump calling here. UTG calls quickly though. He’s 15/0 over 25 hands. Has he really limped UTG with K8 or worse? We probably should call here at least some of the time but I don’t even roll. I muck after mini tanking and SB shows bluff while UTG has K6ss. Really surprised by this hand.

I crush Venetian 2/5 last Saturday for +$2200 over 11 hours and I can’t remember if I mentioned how out of place I feel at Venetian. I do not like this room in the slightest, the only reason I found myself there last weekend and again today is Bellagio has been popping. Even a call in an hour ahead has you sitting at 25th on the list at any stake up to 5/10. I test my luck last Sunday and sit down at Bellagio 5/10. Maybe I’m not as weak of a player as I thought or maybe I just had a good lineup. I can definitely hang with these specific 5/10 guys. Not to say I will be winners against the regs, but I will crush the fish and lose small to small medium against regs at worst. They’re not all that, at least from the extremely small sample I’ve seen. You might be asking yourself “well then why are you sitting at 2/5 today?!” and I must confess it’s because I crave the booze and I refuse to booze at 5/10. I don’t even like getting sloppy at 2/5 to be honest.

Am a little more twisted than I’d like to be, down $800 in very soft 2/5. They make the Long Islands really frickin strong at Venetian. There are times I order these at Bellagio and wonder if they’re non alcoholic. Will definitely post hands and maybe more of backstory if I sober up. Approximately 6 drinks deep in 2.5 hours, this might be disaster for light-ish weight like me

Also not to be rude to anyone but the “regs” I’ve run into at 2/5 Venetian are not the guys. I joked with my 5/10 reg friend that “the guy” does not exist at 2/5. People say poker is dead but even in what are supposed to be the most reg infested games in the US (Las Vegas) the games are VERY beatable with some dedication and experience

Am I the only one here learning the lesson that validation from others means nothing? Reflected to me over and over again, as with anyone who wants to be involved in “show business”. I mean hell my latest endeavor that I vaguely brought up weeks ago in this thread is me and my YouTube channel.

Last weekend I see a reg from the 5/5 Commerce game which I’ve been a fixture for 30 hours a week over the last 18 months before the shut down. He has no idea who I am. Granted the masks make things more difficult but him and I have battled. We’ve played several large pots against each other and uncountable small ones. And now 6 days later I make a hand signal to a guy across the table from me who just sat down. We played almost all of my 30 hours 2 weekends ago. We were pleasant to each other exchanging smiles and goodbyes over each of the 3 days. Even a little small talk in between. He asks me what’s up when I signal him. I walk over to the other side of the table and say hey you don’t remember? We played 2 weeks ago at Bellagio? Friday, Saturday, Sunday? His blank look says it all. He has no clue what I’m talking about. “Bellagio?” he asks, as if I’m talking of a far off land that exists only in daydreams and scripture. His vpip numbers after 2 orbits are eerily similar to the player I think he is.

“Maybe it’s not the same guy”, my rational brain reasons. After all, that’s ITS job to do day in day out, it’s very purpose is to rationalize. Or maybe, just maybe, one of my lessons that I’m finally starting to see is that I don’t really require validation in any form from any thing, and it’s time for me to KNOW this and not just continually EXPERIENCE this. Even this thread is its own distorted form of my craving validation. “Look at my past, look at my present.” That’s what these writings truly boil down to.

I just searched “Donkey Tracker” on the iPhone App Store and it’s discontinued?! So strange and disappointing. It might still be available on the Android Play Store. If you play a lot of poker, it is extremely worth the $1 and the diligence of typing in every preflop action. Takes 1 second once you’re used to it and as I’ve said to my wife a few times before I’d literally pay $1k a year for this app and that’s just at the low levels.

All is not lost if you’re unsure of someone new in your game (I’d suggest even doing this against regs that you “think” you know). Track their vpip manually. I did this for a few weeks before stumbling on the Donkey Tracker app. You might be surprised at what you find even against “regulars”. Some people might play much looser than you think. That’s the most common occurance at least. Very helpful for the beginning, moderately helpful for the intermediate, still useful and novel for the expert.

I’m not a coach by any means but these dudes at Venetian are really making me want to post some basic strategy. Do not open limp, I don’t care if it’s UTG, open 3x. I wouldn’t be writing this if I didn’t repeatedly see “regs” (and I say this because I occasionally see them grouping together talking hands no matter what time of day I’m here) Not that I’m trashing that at all, that is so very helpful and honestly very fulfilling in the journey of becoming a solid player. I think it’s great when I see 2 or more players talking strat together.

At the same time I want to jump in at times and help. Things I’ve seen myself do in the past or things I know is not the meta. So to make the list short and sweet do not open limp and do not over fold. Muck around with Flopzilla and find what your opening combos are for each position. This basic work will help you immensely if you are a beginning to intermediate player. MDF is not the end all be all but it IS a large piece of the battle when it comes to battling the more aggro players at the lower limits.

The other thing I see regs doing a lot is not opening enough. I find many players that most likely do this for a living playing too tight. It’s common for me to look at Donkey Tracker and see numbers like 18/9, 16/10, 12/8. In these soft live games you should be opening much more, your numbers should be closer to 22/18 even 30/25 depending on the specific 3 or 4 players to your left. Look at some basic hand charts online and become a much tougher opponent.

For a bit of comic relief I have the old man in the 8 seat to the left of me knocking on the glass trying to get my attention when the waitress comes around. Yes I see her, no I don’t think your best bet of booking a win tonight is getting me to order a drink half an hour before I normally would have. Sure I’ve made a couple of losing “hero” calls against the table fish but those weren’t even exploitable. They were standard calls for what I was holding in the moment, I just managed to run into villains top.

Image is everything. Not just in poker but life. Poker truly is such a wonderful reflection for life itself. I joked for years about this before I even became what you’d call “spiritually” inclined. That no matter what spot in life you feel you have the “advantage”, no matter what spot in life you feel you are “the button”, sure enough you will have to play against the identical opponents. Only this time you are the metaphorical “blinds”.

Here I find myself again typing in this thread almost a month after my last response. I took 3 weeks off of poker and enjoyed the holidays with my family. My wife and I have been through very trying times recently. Although we still love each other, we’re starting to realize we view the world through 2 very different lenses. We obviously still have things to teach each other or else we wouldn’t find ourselves together in any manner.

I think it takes a lot of inner work to try to understand the external world. I am no expert despite what I’ve typed in this thread. I’m simply a man trying my best every single day to improve spiritually.

With that being said I’ve found much joy in working on my silly videos for YouTube. I’ve found so much satisfaction in having a creative outlet despite not having any true dedicated viewers. I think we’d all be so lucky to find an avenue to express ourselves in.

Tommy wastes no time after becoming our front man. He and his wife (Bre) are already extremely proficient, I’d even throw my hat in the ring to call them professional photographers. We do our first photo shoot ever (I have no experience in front of the camera and it shows) and before I know it we are recording some of our “old standbys”.

Things continue to move very quickly. This is not Tommy’s first band after all, we soon learn. We actually learn much of his interesting path. He’s lived a really dysfunctional life himself, which is not surprising to hear considering literally every influential artist’s path ever. Even us “unsuccessful” ones are littered with issues (read: blessings) that COMPEL us to look outside for adoration, for attention. Do not be surprised to find many if not all of your favorite artists to have been starved for attention at some point early in their life.

Things are jelling, the recording process is so much more rewarding than I ever could have imagined. Seeing an idea come to fruition is the pinnacle of success for me even today (albeit it’s a much different avenue of creation) and that’s all that really matters isn’t it? What is YOUR pinnacle for success? And why do you care if someone doesn’t agree?

I wish I could make 10 concurrent posts about my life after being put into the foster system. Truth be told I have 4 “real” memories of this place and only 2 are what I feel memorable to share. Even though I know to the reader it can’t mean much. Not that I condemn the reader, in opposite, I UNDERSTAND the reader. I embrace and accept the fact that the reader has chosen different (read: not better or worse, merely different) challenges to undertake in this lifetime. We are all the same, we all are treading water in the idea of separation.

It's been a while since you started the thread.

I had to re-read it again from the beginning, enjoyed every bit of it, it's definitely entertaining .

Thanks for sharing <3

I know this is echoed relentlessly but your reply means so much to me just as every other reply has meant to me.

I don’t know much but I know that when I help others, it makes me feel better than anything else. I’m sure you’re the same way. Personally I like trying to find people that have given up on themselves. Most of the time this consists of homeless people. After all who believes in themselves less than someone who doesn’t even have a safe place to lay their head at night? What would the world look like if we all treated the less fortunate a little more kindly? It is cold outside at this time of year no matter where you live. A simple no logo sweatshirt from Walmart costs $6 here in California. I can’t see it costing much more anywhere else in the country. What’s holding you back? $6 will never break anyone reading this thread. Give a gift while at the same time receiving a much bigger one. This person is allowing you to EXPERIENCE yourself as giving and generous. This is what you already ARE but now you get to EXPERIENCE it, instead of just know it conceptually.

What if you not only took the effort, spent a very small amount of the precious golden coins we all covet, and extended love to someone who has forgotten how much they mean to the world? What if you hugged this person? What if you felt for even a split second a connection with this person? What if you withheld judgement for one second? We’ve all been taught by at least one person we’ve looked up to that these people are leeches, they mean nothing and they drag our society down as a whole. Can you stop believing what has been handed down to you? Can you be conscious enough to realize that this person was at one point a little child? Can you extend your limitless imagination to a point that realizes how much had to happen to this person to put them in such a place of powerlessness that literally has them living without a home? I know you can. You are love itself.

Is there connection to intent and what happens in your day to day life? I’m a man, just like you, but I’ve found such a connection in the two. I wrote a quick, almost throwaway type post a while ago about how I despised tipping. The purpose of it was to show the juxtaposition of my old way of thinking and what awaited me. In 2019 I began reading Conversations With God. I only read this book because of my fascination with near death experiences. Remember I have a 2.5 hour commute on Fridays (on a good day). And then another 2.5 hour trek back home on Sunday. I have much down time to fill.

I’ve always been interested in NDE’s, I remember finding a site when I was around 15 that documents these type of happenings. https://www.nderf.org

That is the link

Anyway after a tiny amount of searching on YouTube after exhausting my music playlist (I love singing, blast the volume and find myself as the frontman. I think I have a decent enough voice, especially if it’s right in my range. Then again haven’t we heard the same story again and again from the worst contestants on American Idol? Side Note: I’ve played poker against William Hung and he’s actually solid) I find there’s a plethora of NDE’s given by the ACTUAL person. It’s so much more satisfying hearing their actual voice than reading text. One NDE in particular is a young girl. She said that the thing that stuck out most to her is an angel telling her to read “Conversations With God”. She had never heard of the book before, she was surprised to even find that the book existed. I’m sure seeing this creation that she had no idea about pre NDE, further solidified her belief in that what she experienced was real.

I sit down in a 5/5 game in LA and devour this book. I had passed it in reference before. I remember thinking so cynically towards it. Reading the reviews on Amazon, I chastised the fools who not only parted with their hard earned money to receive this book, but that they took the time to write online about how much it’s changed their life.

For some reason this young woman’s NDE was enough for me to receive this book in a much different way than I had encountered it weeks before. If you pay attention to the stories that are told by people who have have NDE’s, they are for the majority the same core beliefs echoed again and again. Once in a while someone will experience “hell”, but even then, they are allowed to choose a different experience (and will admit this themselves). The crux of my very strong “esoteric” beliefs come from all of the souls who have been to the other side briefly and bring back the same details. What else are we to believe? If I ran into a room and came back out screaming the room was pure fire, would you not believe me? What if 10 people did the same? 100? How many will it take you to embrace the truth that you mean something? That you mean EVERYTHING. That you are CHRIST INCARNATE. Ok maybe that’s getting too far down the rabbit hole that this thread was meant to be.

Pre foster care I was put into what’s called a Group Home. It was an EXTERMELY nice facility, with so many helpful adults guiding us through an incredibly trying time. I almost feel wrong in saying this, but if you are to be placed in a group home as a young boy, I think you’d be very hard pressed to find a better situation than I was placed in. This is a major part of why I look back on this time of my life and am thankful for the experience. There are literal horror stories sprouting from these setups and I feel blessed (and in a small 3D way of thinking, guilty) to have experienced nothing but love and encouragement.