just really fed up with sh*t outside of poker gambling (tired of the repetitive nonsense getting nowhere with certain things or certain things getting worse despite tryna better the outcome and also knock on effect had on my value system nature selfcontrol in general all areas of life and expression of self feel torn more volatile in nature whereas i used to be very controlled strict with what parts me i let run free and what parts i didnt now its more just a mess ha, illusion of self control and agency in who what i am is slipping alot) but also yh on the side gambling poker too im fed up with (really the less important part but still a part im fed up with ha).

basically being honest im paisting but a more pure gambler on top, whereas paisting just seems an oddly controlled gambler in terms stake how much risk etc and doesnt seem to play casino games, but just bad poker player mix with monkey tilt (i can relate i tilt spew like mad too also just mess around gamble for the lols).

i just dumped £100 at a mix of 20euro omaha games and little bit of roulette and blackjack on the side last night 50/50.

decided today/tonight more specifically, enoughs enough i need to sort myself out in poker in gambling and life so parts i can control in my life or feel i could (illusion of) im gonna try too, so creating this thread to do so or influence chance succeed at seeding the change and it growing.
ive deposited $90/£75.96 on 888 ill drop down to 5nl if drops to $45 and 2nl at i dunno about $24 but beyond that im never ever ever gonna gamble anymore im never using aggro bankroll management never playing a blackjack or roulette session again in my life im done with it and so over that now, beyond that i dont even have a job at the moment looking but got some obstacles in my way with actually getting work i dont want to go into detail with honestly.

my username gives away how long the threads lasting, basically 3months or the summer, and then im gone, cause by that point be my birthday so will wanna purge my database etc start fresh anyways new beginnings and all that nonsense rebirth, also likely not play birthday be burnt out as planning to really play alot, im wierdly ritualistic in that way sort OCD like really but till then i wanna keep accountable of my gambling habits and play in poker main reason for thread is hoping it will stop my 1) being super aggro with risk and the roll money i have and 2) keep me out away from the casino games and 3) maybe just maybe ill tilt spew a little less??? maybe ha 4) hoping i can build a omaha poker roll before my birthday rolls comes around so can play focus on that with an actual proper roll not YOLO it with 5-8buyins per stake.

gonna lay goals out really clear and precise aswell so i cant deviate from them i set said them so thats it now.

step 1) as said play holdem at 888 for now and snap, holdem
why snap? - mainly more hands per hour and the player pool is small so hopefully touch wood plays little more like regular poker tables (cause ive never ever beaten zoom poker at pokerstars for any meaningful stretch of time at good stake ive donated loads in those pools) and so dont get bored try force action too much or hopefully i dunno.
why holdem? - mainly the hands per hour part hoping hourly and variance is less if beat the games, two negatives im not a very good speed/zoom/snap/fastfold holdem player and im a meh regular table player good when im so called in zone not monkey tilting but the fast fold formats im bad whether so called in zone or not, second negative holdem is i try force action too much particularly regular tables i also bore quicker space zone out quicker playing holdem and auto pilot spew more not think as much, and yes three points i tilt way more easily at holdem than omaha dont ask me why but its true (normally relates to me making a really stupid mistakes normally in terms of bluffing or something or just something i know is losing yet doing it anyways i dont know but holdem grates me and is more stressful than holdem particularly when lot hands tables on go or yh its just the more complicated game holdem postflop than omaha so mistakes can be lot bigger and if everyones around similar ish skill level then were all losing money wasting time paying lot of rake or beating game for smidge losing for smidge and guess at low stakes micro stakes where playing for well not alot it can tilt you or least me, but just being honest).

so might not be wisest idea to a) play holdem b) play fast format of it but least till 50nl if get there i think im gonna do it.

first goal
grind out either $960 or $2150 at 10nl (why the ridiculously conservative size amount going from 5-8 buyins to play a stake to this, simple im fed up redepositing i never in my life moved down in time when have moved up i always either crashed and burnt or ended up in casino side things some point so im going the long route) other reason is im really really sh*t at zoom holdem so not confident in my edge or having keeping one anyways as when i tilt i really tilt or when i play c-d game its really *****ng bad bad, add to that the random i cant be bothered play properly lets gamble mess around or force action sessions play more volatile its just yh im over it and i wanna make chance me having to redeposit low as f*ck, ill make up for the silly conservative bankroll requirements by just putting in lot of hours least till my birthday.

anyways first goals this so focus on making this reality first, main reason not playing pokerstars is also cause apparently under maintenance when tried download client also hotkeys werent working last was there made me time out lose pots and again ive never beat zoom holdem there for long enough so probably not worth it, and not in mood to play regular holdem, and regular omaha or zoom id like bigger bankroll from now on before i redabble there but really i prefer like playing omaha more than holdem just think the climb as long as can actually maintain a winrate will be quicker holdem than omaha cause the more hands per hour thing as what 200hands per hour omaha reg 260reg pokerstarstars about and maybe 320-340 zoom omaha 2 tabling zoom or 4tabling regular, compared to 375-450ish hands reg table holdem depending site 4-5tabling or 800-1100 if table zoom, think just the smaller bankroll requirements even if going over conservative route and reaching a so called longrun working out if got edge quicker makes holdem the best route least upto 50ish past then not sure as think pure fish vanish past 50nl in holdem past then depending site as table numbers i know forsure drop and as im a fishier holdem player than omaha (least i believe i am, maybe just as shi*te at both) buy eh yh gonna stay with holdem for now.

i may have to withdraw from roll too for some life expensives etc too annoyingly but plus point err gives me more motivation to focus on tryna play well and win.

Sorry for the wall of text and rambling, but wanted to really lay out goals clearly was feeling like **** last night and today and tonight (actually still am, other night was more cause some mental stuff on top of health stuff today tonight more the same ha but tryna be positive it will change the health issue, and also the mental stuff personality nature i can change my expression too get back to a state frame more like how i once was than this bulls*it nonsense, and self sabotage crap in bunch areas of my life.

good luck to anyone whos trying to be best version of themselves by the way, life just sucks balls really ha all luck end of day no matter what way slice and dice it we choose nothing when comes down to it we are what we are and were not driving.

covered my username avatar in the pic, but to be fair the player pools small and im gonna be playing lot so probably bit pointless thing to do ha.



wish everyone luck in life, not at the poker tables vs me lol, but outside that really do hope if not happy least content or can say i tried my best be best version of me i can be and actually like respect myself somewhat.

alright night i probably should try wind down got appointment early tomorrow morning.

peace out.

played terribly tonight waste of night session truthfully good volume all bad volume ha,

tilted alot!!!

spewed alot!!!!

lost deep deep pot 500-700bb pot i think not sure vs maniac i was tryna milk him but eh ran into it

but on the whole complete waste of night monkey tilt, lots of spew mistakes yolo and whatever just yh not good night, i did some truly dumb bluffs vs certain people that just kinda good but im not the folds i need there station too much of stuff tryna fold out to just shoot myself in foot, got lucky in some donations to me myself tonight much needed as i was also majorly donating, just silly with the rake aswell so the deepest i been and i donated kinda to maniac not good

also silly thing is i actually less reason to play awful tonight than last night 1) my migraine tad little less intense tonight 2) games were obviously good presuming better than yesterday as weekend so more maniacs in pool which normally great yh just bit of shame, plus point im not broke and i still got in the volume need work on mental game clearly, but cant be doing this as i also need to withdraw from this so called roll possibly £50-£80 per week or $60-$100 dollars so make climbing up really really long if i dont sort out my pure monkey tilt spew sessions somewhat.

err weird session night, first session of night evening i was hyper aggro super super spewy far looser pre all areas and did loads wild volatile bluffs lots of on knowing losing ones just looked right felt right but not if cant get folds from things i know there station, second part or session of night after i went get some food was far better i tamed chilled out my bluffs was more selective less auto pilot but was in terms of stationing hero calling i was super whatever stationy too any breakeven calls just cause where werent needed, then last 20-40 mins of night say third session sort of after break got drink well played well initially first 20mins but then i lost focus majorly forgot what was doing what was happening what action in hands were each street etc and i cocked basically royally at the end i turned a good second half of night session into a really shitty meh whatever one shot myself in foot sabotaged work all cause played too long more than anything only decided keep playing as know need the volume but i basically donated one stack and a bit pure donation spew (actually semi tilt) then consecutively next hands again was losing track what was going on same stuff sill bluff off or hero call etc for stacks so dropped 3-4-5-6 buyins or something felt like that just lost stack after right at the end in what felt like what 10mins, i actually decided nah **** this im out i cant focus at all!!! ha werent even tilted but would been if i destroyed all profits of that second session tonight as was playing well even if spewy loose hero call ee that second half session of the night but that little hiccup at the end almost ****ed it all up.

anyways plus point not broke, also tilted less tonight than night before negative point the first breakeven play super spew aggtard session and the hiccup donation of 3-5 stacks at the end cause played way too long werent thinking straight at all that werent even sloppy auto-pilot that was just here have my money ****** calls and bluff at the end and for stacks goofy.
also plus point got lot volume in negated by the poor quality volume though, lucky playing deep at times otherwise yh might just be breakeven if took guess or winning **** all them deep pots help well least if dont mess them up royally, rake sucks balls too.

anyway night im clearly err burnt out as that was pure mega ****** mode at end and so quickly dumped the stacks.

might need to take that $90 put in account out soon to live.

glad being disciplined least with getting the volume in need sort my sh*t out with mental game though and focus tilt mega spew and station **** where not needed

very mixed bag sessions was like 3 different mes playing tonight.

woo monkey tilt, spew

dumped $110 in 1hr 10-20mins or something no thought just atm for 1hr and half for the pool.




withdrew majority of bankroll left $60 in there may play later on may not i just get so whatever stop caring longer i play or consecutive days with holdem, so sabotaged well days of play there

plus point i still recouped the £100 i spunked down toilet at the roulette blackjack omaha games before started this thread, negative i just spunked a $110 not even thinking donating to fish too no thought no thinking just take my money mode

reeeetardddd

need to cool off may play later may not really not decided but i feel tilty not even playing so might not yh less volume but if its gonna pure losing volume mega fish volume by me who cares, go lick my wounds try cool off, dont wanna play holdem no more want wish play some omaha getting bored holdem

quick update i tried to get back in swing of things 888 but head just werent in right headspace tilt atm donating straight away fast track to paisting sesh or graph, so i was either gonna quit the holdem play some omaha on 888 reg 888 tables as omaha can tame me when i get wild ****** mode but werent enough tables so i decided instead poss continuing and donating everything back to the pool to withdraw and, gone stuck £100 on pokerstars i am still in funny head tilty headspace, i am going to try beat zoom : ( not great idea honestly ha, but yh the hotkeys work at moment touch wood.... but still random lag timeouts pre but no insta fold weird spots.

goals changed slightly i have a rakeback challenge thing of $400 or so if grind out $1000 so that is my goal and main reason for zoom (that and my lack patience lack focus at moment) going to grind like a nutter try just not lose, also changed setup on tracker i dont wanna know at any point my winrate or anything, think it will **** with my mental game and actual play and mood, so just hidden it, wish me luck.

thought change scenery might be good get me out this headspace to play somewhat properly profitably hopefully

peace

888 full graph in end sucks dick grateful didnt busto completely



also in line with helping mental game might not update look at graph for few days not decided, but thinking look twice week if can be best as im gonna be using conservative bankroll management as cant have these tilt session wreck me also as said im not good at zoom games at all.
ill work it out but i am 100% getting that rakeback just need play alot, hopefully software dont **** up (pokerstars gone from having good software to kinda ****)