I used to blog on RIO, if you are interested you can look up for "Open the pot and open myself" there

I'm a long-time micro-stakes player that never moved up and have amassed 4M hands fighting for peanuts and suffering a ton in the process.

(graph not updated for the last year and current year)

6 years ago I got ill, an undiagnosed disease that I'm still fighting today, unfortunately, as I was looking for a cure, I haven't noticed the time was passing by, and probably, I've realized it only one year ago when I decided to take action.
Fast forward to now, I haven't progressed much in poker and most importantly in life.


2021 was another disaster, for some strange reason I thought it to be my year while in reality, it was a copy of the years before with the same result: being stuck at the same point. Flipping burgers at Mcdonald's would yield more money with less stress, to be fair, even cleaning toilets part-time would let me accrue more.
This new year hasn't started better, I continue to behave as I always used to and I should expect the same results.

I take 101% responsibility for this, I cannot blame anyone but myself, at the same time, I don't want to judge myself too harshly since I'm fighting an uphill battle. Every day I am in pain, sometimes it is so strong that I cannot even focus properly. I still wake up every morning with the willingness to move forward, to get unstuck, and to live a fulfilling life (pain-free).

After more than one year I can see why my previous journal was a total failure for me. At that time it wasn't clear, I thought I wanted to document my climb through the ranks, but it wasn't the case. I was waiting for people to save me, to do the work for me, to understand my pain and to sympathize with me. This was doomed from the beginning, I'm the only one who is responsible to carry the burden of his own life and I'm the only one who has to move his ass off in order to get better. I can get a hand for sure, but I have to do the 99% of the rest and rightfully so.

Well, I wasn't fair, I've got one thing from the previous blog, and it was the sense of being visible to others, to exist in the world. When I kept my blog private, no one didn't know I even existed, but once I published I've got a sense as the invisibility curse got lifted. It hasn't changed my life and surely people don't care about me, but it was better, that's the reason why I resume blogging.

Although I get up every day with a knife between my teeth, I've realized my current condition has to change for good, because if it doesn't, one day I will lose the desire to fight. After so many years of struggling, I'm proud of myself since I haven't given up, but I haven't received any positive feedback for my battles, I've just paid a huge toll.

In the first posts, I will elaborate on what went really wrong in the last year and in my life in general, looking to avoid the same errors in the future, a thing that I haven't done once in my life.

When I wrote in the previous journal, I was eager to see someone posting in it. It was something like: "Here's my problem, solve it for me" this is nothing but madness. I'm the only one responsible for saving myself from the pit I'm into, although any comment from other players would be a total gift.

I will change the tone of the content too. Even though I've opened myself to showing my weakness, many times I've just refrained from posting because I feared someone could attack me. But let's be honest, I'm a fish both at poker at life, the point I'm in right now reflects exactly who I am and where I stand on the social ladder. A lot of my thoughts are just dead wrong and I don't have to hide them, if I was right I wouldn't be in this spot.

When I was in high school, I was a very good skateboarder, who started pretty much with no talent but with hard work achieved great things. At the peak of my career, I got 2 sponsors and my technical level was outstanding, it’s very unfortunate that at the time, good smartphones weren’t available so I don’t have any footage of that, but I recall exactly how good I felt.
I was a completely different guy, the best version of me is now very distant. When I look in the mirror I cannot even recognize that person I’m staring at. I’m not sure what has changed, I still have the same problems as before, but now everything looks so ugly, severe, and permanent. I spent much of my day worrying about everything, it doesn’t matter what it is, I just worry about everything that could happen. Let’s take a look how what was occupy my mind and how it is right now.



I was so obsessed with skateboarding, pretty much breathing it every single moment of the day unless I was studying. I woke up thinking about it, I went to the school and imagine myself flipping every stair. Then, I come home, have a very quick lunch, and 40 minutes later, I was already out for my 6-hour non-stop practice.
It was me and my skate, nothing else mattered.
I had solid habits that I haven’t questioned once. The idea of skipping a skate day wasn’t an available option. Results follow through obviously.

Then everything changed, I quit skating due to university, which I failed pretty hard because I wasn’t interested in. I was pretty poor throughout my life while existence and when poker entered my life it let me savor many things I haven’t in the past. I don’t blame poker for my failings, I blame myself to not fully exploiting its potential. I think getting adult exposed all my unaddressed weaknesses which I had In the past, but I was too focused on skateboarding to see them. This is a topic not for a poker forum but my therapist

All I know is that, right now, my mind is full of **** and what matters (poker) is just a small slice of the cake.
I don’t think a quick-fix is available, since my behavior is rooted deep down inside of me, I guess therapy will do wonders. What I can do to put a patch on it is to devise my environment to minimize worries and distractions, waiting for the lifetime-fix.

*Minimize cellphone time*
I’m pretty lucky that I can power off my phone without consequences. I don’t work with it, friends and GF knows how to find me, so there’s really no reason to have it by hand. In the past, I’ve powered it off for 3 weeks straight and it was liberating. The sense of freedom was so empowering, but most importantly, I regained focus on myself, no more BS from telegram groups, friends, or junk stuff.
Ideally, I’d like to obliterate my phone, it was so good when all we had were SMS, but practically it won’t last. I’ll have to use it and be available sometimes, so I have to minimize its influence. Right now I have a working routine that will be tweaked in the near future:
- When I return home I leave the phone in the car
- I use Whatsapp web with my GF for 30ish minutes and then the phone power off itself by 9.40 PM (so if I want to communicate I have to take my phone back, a thing that I don't do)
- I will touch again my phone when I leave home again, the next day, to go to the library in the early afternoon

Now, this routine is far from perfect, and sometimes I don’t stick to it, but when I do, my day is completely different. If I don’t have the phone by hand, I cannot check messages, socials, or see the last news. I've encountered two problems that won’t let the routine stick. The first one is when I have to break my routine because I have to speak with someone and the other one is when I regain control of my phone I binge on it. As I’m writing this I think I’ve found a way to avoid the former, if I have to communicate I can deactivate the auto shutdown in the evening, it will allow me to still use the WhatsApp web interface.
I don’t have a quick solution for the latter, I’ve tried to install FocusMe on it (more on this later) but it is too cumbersome and it is definitely not viable. I think I have to try different things and see what works. From tomorrow I won’t power the phone off till 5,30 PM. This should prevent me to waste time on it in the early afternoon when all I have to do is study poker. I don’t text anyone in the afternoon, so there’s no reason to use it.

*Focus me*


This is a software that basically blocks what I want, and I've blocked Chrome and browsers in general, the only thing I can do is to play/study poker. If I want to disable it, I have to digit a 200 random character string, which is pretty time-consuming, so this is doing his work, acting as a deterrent.
I have to install it on my second pc and my laptop, but for now, on my main pc is great, so great that I've snap purchased it

That's some crazy volume at the micros. Why aren't you moving up? It looks like you are crushing your level.

Good luck for everything, I'll be following this.

Ty for your time first of all.

I've entered the loop when I have cashed out too often in the beginning to cover the expenses. This didn't let my bankroll grow.
Obv it's 100% of my fault.
Yeah other things influence that, like being sick for 6 years now, family issues and other things certainly didn't helped

Well, not much you can do if the cash was needed for urgent expenses. I hope you'll be able to let it grow at some point, because with that kind of work ethics I'm sure you would be a winner at higher stakes.

How does that blocking software works? You set a timer and you need to type a crazy long string if you want to unlock stuff before the timer ends?

I had and I still have a difficult life, but I did so many errors and I cannot blame anyone but myself. Ty for your kind words though

Regarding the blocking software, you can set it up in any way you want. Personally, I just want to use my computer to play, so I banned every browser. I simply cannot open them ever, so what I got left is poker and Elden Ring, well I guess I should ban myself from it too

17

c2ce529

chronic disease?

Yep everyday will be a bad day, no matter what. Sometimes the pain is more severe than the others but I got 0 pain-free days since 7 years now

which illness is it?

I still go no diagnosis even if I've seen the best doctors around.
They believe it was some kind of reflux that made me burp 300 times a day and this would lead to a constant back pain. I even went under surgery but this didn't fixed much. My situation improved, but the outlook on the future is very dark. I cannot hide that I think I will live with this for the rest of my life

There are no better words to describe my skillset at poker. While it’s hurting me at the same time, I realize that I have a huge room for improvement and I should be grateful for that. Instead of feeling hopeless and blaming bad luck for my abysmal results, I should point the finger toward myself.



Right now I’m running close to 80 Bis under expected and yet, I don’t feel unlucky at all, quite the contrary, I’ve luckboxed for years and I don’t know how I can still be in the game with basically 0 skills. I’ve entered a CFP one year ago, I paid for the content that I didn’t use, or at least, I don’t deploy the strategy I should have learned.
Only a lazy ass could squander this opportunity
Well, I’m 1 year late now, but I fully commit to change as a player. No more BS, I have to focus on the things that matter.

We have addressed 2 main problems in my games, ie not calling enough on the river and folding too much on the flop. I fear monsters under my bed, constantly, so I just fold and fold because this is the safest option. In my flawed mind, it’s better to lose the pot 100% of the time, instead of risking calling a bet and losing much more. Yes, for some reason I think calling will just burn money, every single time. This isn’t how poker is played and I am ashamed to admit this serious lack of fundamentals.
What I will do? Well, actually I’ve already developed a cheatsheet in order to call more OTR. There will be no judgment, no second-guessing, no BS, even though fear will be always present, I think my method will lift some of the burdens from my shoulders. If I follow the protocols, at the end of the session, I won’t be upset with myself because I folded/called and lost, instead, I should be proud of myself because I’ve followed my rules. Instead of relying on my experience, I should rely on data models.

Regarding folding too much OTF, there’s nothing I can do besides put in the working and practice, practice and practice. Once I’m sure I bluffcatch correctly I will study flops with GTOw, but let’s not do too many things at one time.
I’m very good at organizing but I’m the worst when I have to perform. So I will just focus on one thing, one thing only, and go from there

Hey there. Quickly browsed through your thread and kind of felt your pain in the way you described your illness and the daily toll it takes on you. This is kind of a low-effort, quick and assumptive response from me, so apologies for that, but with a small chance it might help you out, felt to do it.

No clue what your diet is. But there is much science to support that a plant based diet is best for preventing and curing disease. What do I know, perhaps it could help you out unless you are already eating that way? Supposed to be anti-inflammatory and give your body the best means to function properly. Worth taking a look for sure, here is a good resource: nutritionfacts.org

As for the suffering of life and personal identity, well, I don't know how willing you are to investigate and question the whole of it, but it can certainly offer the solution and way to find inner peace, regardless of bodily/mental pain. Very big statement there and perhaps a long shot that you would find it appealing to consider, but if so:
- "I Am That" by Nisagdatta Maharaj is an excellent read. Google it + pdf and first result you have it.
I would also recommend Mooji which you can find on mooji.org or Youtube.

Again, kind of a long shot and I understand it may very well come across as strange or arrogant or something to show 2 points and suggest it may help solve your problems. But I certainly think there's something to both of them which my own experience can attest to. And so that is my quick attempt at suggesting some means to help alleviate it all. No idea how you will take it or if at all, but worth a shot

Best of luck in life sir.

Better late than never! I'm glad you are taking the steps and the advantage of the CFP to improve your skills as a player. You are not alone when it comes to fear in poker. I struggle with it also. It can manifest in a myriad of ways for me. Trying to transcend it is a constant battle. But a battle that I welcome.

How can you even remotely think your post could be arrogant? It's quite the contrary tbh. What I've seen is a guy who took some of his time and post some (welcomed) advice.
So yeah, ty a lot first of all

My diet is pretty random, after a doc ordered some tests and we found I'm negative for both gluten and lactose I just gave up looking into food for the source of my problems. To be fair, my fair belly is like the image below.

So it's clear that I have some clear problems but never dig into that too much. Probably because I perceive urgency in other parts of my life? Dunno.
The only thing I know is that you are the umpteenth person who told me about diet. I guess it won't hurt if I spent some of my time in some research

Regarding the suffering and the other things you mentioned, I've just order the book on Amazon

Again ty for your precious time, I really appreciate that

Ty my friend but you belong to a totally different league. I will do my best though

All my entries had a negative aura, the feeling of hopelessness was very clear along with many other unpleasant emotions. Today, I can say my outlook on life improved, I don’t want to say “a lot” in order to not jinx myself, let’s just say I’m still in a dark night but far away I can see a glimpse of light, it isn’t dimmed, but bright.

I continue to work with my therapist and plan to do it till my issues got resolved. He changed the lives of many people and I’m convinced he will save me. He gently made me aware that I was depressed for years, while I thought I was just in a bad period. I was hit by a brick on my head and my mind went blank for 2 days, then I woke up and decided to fight, once again, with every weapon I have, tackling this issue from any angle.

From my childhood I, was accustomed to counting only on myself, but this isn’t good since I’ve turned down every help from outside. My ego was a big one and I was sure I was the only one who knew better. It turned out I was dead wrong, rightfully so, and I began to listen to other people willing to help.

It is astonishing to acknowledge how many people want to help out, both strangers on the internet and friends. I’ve always thought the world was against me, but the reality could be very different from my fantasy.


***Poker***


I’m not happy with my results so far this year, let alone my volume, but instead of being the worst judge of myself, I want to see my last month’s improvements which are many. My game literally changed overnight, my routines began to stick, and my work ethic skyrocketed.

I’ve found a player (and a friend) in a poker world who spent hours every day with me, for free. I’m not sure why he took care of me, maybe he wanted to save a poor soul, or he is simply just a decent guy. Working with him very closely helped in a way that I haven’t realized since a few days ago. I found someone willing to fight my battle beside me, something I haven’t experienced that often throughout my life. I’m sure all the changes I’m doing right now are because of him, he even pushed me to resume therapy, which was the best decision of the year.

I’m moving forward, I can feel it and I think I’m on the brink of a game-changing transformation

Hey man have you considered trying a raw vegan diet? There's this Dr Brooke Goldner that espouses the virtues of it and has a few books and sells some one on one appointments and recovery programs. There's quite a bit of anecdotal evidence that it's putting a lot of autoimmune diseases and chronic things like long COVID into remission. It may be worth a shot. It's sort of specific with 1lb of cruciferous vegetables a day and no oils except flax and limited fruit. You can certainly follow the diet without buying anything from her and she has a lot of free info on youtube and the FB page. While the recovery program is quite expensive I am considering it if I can't do it on my own.

It all sounds very radical but it's easier than it sounds.

I suffer from an undiagnosed chronic illness too. I've only been on the diet two weeks but it seems to be helping. I have no interest in that doctor or anything I just know how hard it is dealing with this stuff and figured I'd toss it out there. EDIT: I did have to troubleshoot the diet. I had to cut out spinach, bananas, and anything else high histamine. So there may be some troubleshooting required.

Also, the Wim Hof method has helped, especially with poker.

subbed glgl

Loving the positive mindset. Just keep watering that garden. Once you stop the good crops die and all that's left is the dirt.

I would try a strict elimination diet. Doesn't have to be vegan. You might target some foods that are causing or exacerbating your issues.

Wim Hof breathing is incredible. It has been life changing for me personally. Pretty much a stone cold lock method for changing your physical state and lowering stress levels. The effects are temporary, but you can pretty much just lay/sit down and breathe whenever you choose and it will get you back into a decent physical state. During my darkest days, it made all the difference for me. I can't recommend it enough.

Just thought I'd throw out a few ideas. Will definitely be following this thread. Good luck.

I've tried elimination diet, not vegan, and unfortunately I didn't gained nothing from that... I've just terminated a month based on rice and chicken and it didn't helped. I've tried starvation, but it didn't helped much either since it doesn't seems to be related to foods, at least for me


It seems it was only temporary, I've burned a month of profit in 2 days and I'm destroyed


Ty for your time

Bummer. Elimination diets are always worth a shot, but yea of course it's not always food related. Wish it was that simple. Good luck on your journey man. I'm rooting for you.

What happened?

I think in general it's best to replace references of time with sample size when describing poker results. I notice that when I'm in a more negative state of mind, I tend to create unhelpful narratives like this using arbitrary amounts of time. It is a hard habit to break. Just sharing something that has worked for me (work in progress).

Nothing groundbreaking, I've just lost all the profits of one month due to bad run. The problem is a recurring theme. It seems something is going the the right way (both in poker and life) and then, bum... something happens and I go back to square one.

I have a lot of problems in life that I take with me to the table. I'm working with a very skilled therapist but I'm very far from resolution.
You can take a look here for example
https://www.runitonce.com/chatter/no...ve-any-advice/

Anyway, do you know I've played for a living HUSNG and I was enrolled in your school? It is a pleasure to have a comment in my thread by you

FWIW it could be Lyme disease. It might be worth testing for, even though the tests are not super accurate and might give a false negative.

Also, please don't listen to the vegan pushers and their guru dr Greger and his website. You will only hurt yourself by eating a vegan diet.

I suggest you look into the carnivore diet. It's not only the most optimal diet there is for humans, it is also the best solution for resolving any autoimmune issues. Look up dr Anthony Chaffee and dr Shawn Baker on youtube (btw both Chaffee and Baker look like total alpha chads and would wipe the floor with the simp Greger).

And yes, by carnivore I mean meat only and mostly red meat if not fully. If I were you, I would give it a try for a month and see how I feel. I would do just red fatty meat and bone broth for a month, only with salt as seasoning. I would drop dairy for a moment even though you say you are not lactose intolerant - it is actually the dairy proteins like casein that may trigger autoimmune issues.