Emotional read that brother.

Hope 2019 you can avoid any further episodes as I know first hand mental health issues are crippling and debilitating at times.

Thanks for your bravery writing that and all the best moving forward.

Best of luck and huge respect for writing what must have been a very difficult post.

way too much love in here so i'm gonna berate you for being an overly stationy poker player, octopus-dancing beers lord and no-left-foot footballer.

Coming from the guy that has two? Really?

I feel a left-footed penalty bet brewing.

He got a point though. Once too many british people poasting in a row a thread often gets too polite and friendly, esp when alot of those brits gay as well

Thank you for sharing that D7 and glgl going forward.

just wauw.

Hope 2k19 is gonna be your best year ever.

gl !

Thanks man

Ty, definitely good advice - read through my olds journals from the recovery last time around - my level of social contact is the single best predictor of my mood when i'm having a rough stretch, definitely keeping that in mind incase things go south at some point this year.

Thanks Roberto - it's actually kinda interesting I was on my biggest meditation streak ever when I was admitted - think I had 14 days on headspace. My nurse took me through a 'staying well plan' where I had to write out warning signs, it's kinda tricky because for me it was things like 'feeling really good', 'hitting all my goals', 'seeing everything as an opportunity' etc.. basically how I am when I'm manic is pretty close to how I'd choose to be, so idk. I kinda feel like while I'm doped up the chance of a relapse is way lower, I'd guess that if/when I get off the meds is when I'll need to be most alert, and for sure it will be easy to pretend everything's fine. But as I wrote out last night - I'm happy to take a small step back if I need to, I'm hoping I won't be so reluctant to take medication if the need ever arises again.

Thanks for sharing - I actually drink pretty occasionally - not unusual for me to go 2-3 weeks with no booze, the problem is when I do it tends to be a be a big night out/stag do or whatever, so yeah I guess I'm an occasional binge drinker I never drink just in the house myself. Actually a pretty significant side effect of these meds - I've noticed the 2/3 times I've taken them after big nights out I've felt suuuuuuper nauseous for like an hour or two after, kinda sucks but no harm in another nudge towards drinking less.

Cheers Jackeeeee - I don't see a therapist, no - I've tried 2 and didn't get much out of either, always felt like talking to family members is way better/easier. I think I'll actually get prescribed one at some point, IIRC they don't think I need CBT but there was some other form.. I'll ask again at some point and see what they're saying.

Thanks brother!

Haha, actually there was something kinda similar with an old Big Lad housemate - he smoked a bunch before bed, then woke up convinced his grinder was lodged in his throat

Yeah I've learned that diazepam is prescribed in a bunch of situations - my mum was saying doctors even give it to people grieving who need to just get through a few days/funeral or whatever. The lorazepam (quicker/stronger acting but shorter duration) was actually pretty intense, hits you like a toooooooooon of bricks and it's just GG next couple hours, they glide by. Diazepam way less intense, I was actually being given it twice a day, morning and night, so for a few days they were actually waking me up to give me diazepam, pretty stupid state of affairs lol. They gave me 6 to take away and take as required, needed one the first day I was home but no more since then. It's absolutely incredible how quickly they take a hold of you - you build decent tolerance in 2/3 days and coming off them is kinda grim.

Re: poker and mental health problems - I'm kinda skeptical on the whole leatherass, poker leading to mental health problems thing. There's obv a bunch of guys who have difficulties (Klaric for the old school FR guys ), but I feel like any cross-section of mainly young dudes is going to throw up a bunch of positives - I'd be surprised if poker players as a population had a significantly higher rate/proven causation or w/e, though obv good chance I'm wrong.

Reading the HorVeech thing actually hit me super hard. Though I never met him, we kinda locked horns back in the day (for a brief while we were negotiating a HU grudge match at 10/20). Basically his path felt terrifyingly similar to mine - IIRC he'd had two or three hospital admissions before he ended his life. For a short while one doctor was using the term 'schizo-affective disorder' (which is like schizophrenia lite) while I was in hospital, but they backed off that term pretty quickly (something about the shortness of the time I was psychotic.. or the order of my symptoms.. can't really remember). The strange thing about all this is that there's some amount of it/variables that seems to be outwith my (or anyone's) control. So while reading about Veech and finland and stuff (with greatest respect to both of them) reads somewhat like a warning to me, I have to accept that there's some things I can't just avoid via force of will. No idea if that makes any sense

Appreciate that man, GL to you too.

Thanks fella!



Thanks, best to you too.

Appreciate the 1st post! I'm back in the habit of starting each day with a 30-40m workout (10m skipping, pullups, pushups, stretching and rolling), definitely shakes the cobwebs off and gives some early momentum in the day

f0ck off NASA

Thanks brother - gotta get myself out to Vienna at some point this year

Yeah, I'm very lucky to have a family that basically went to war for me as soon as all this popped off. My dad spent as much time in the hospital as I did the first few days, even though I was mostly wrestling him and a few nurses trying to get out and kinda bringing him into my delusions.. must've been horrendous for him. My mum was in Japan and cut her trip short to come see me aswel

I miss you too man. Hope we see each other again one day soon

High praise! Thanks man, that's my 1 and only goal for this year tbh.

Cheers Jason, appreciate it

Thanks dude

Cheers Ted

Yeah, 100% this. Before anything happened I was completely in the 'could happen to anyone... but obv not me' camp. I do still find it hard to accept that in some ways it's outwith my control.. I'm a big believer in personal responsibility, so I guess all I can do is take the advice I get and give myself the best chance possible to stay healthy.

Much appreciated man

Thanks man, the more you look the more you find circumstances like this. Shoutout my boy Valen aswel, hope he's doing well.

Cheers kidder, let's sort this trip!

Thanks Patrick, here's hoping

Ty dude

Thanks man - was a pleasure meeting you also! It wasn't an ideal thing to happen, but god knows it could've been much worse. So glad no one got hurt. Best of luck to you too!

Cheers Doug, all the best for 2019

Cheers Gazzy! Hyped for your bet with the kid

Cheers dude!

Thanks man - obv I'm hoping that's what happens, but I'm also not going to fall to pieces if it were to happen again. Honestly the suffering for me is whatever, I don't really gaf that much, I just really don't want to put my friends/family through it again.

Thanks man

Guilty on all 3 charges My toe-punting skill more than make up though



Thanks guys

================================================== =

Thanks very much again to everyone who posted - I'm basically always surprised at how positive people are and I do appreciate the support. I don't wanna dwell on it too much but obv I'll keep y'all posted with how I'm doing here and there.

Anyway - this is a poker forum right?

2018 Summary





Graph says about it all really - things were going unreal smooth basically until Cyprus in mid-May, I then proceeded to have around a 40evBI downer from there till September. Took around 3 months off, won a little cash in December, that's about it. I failed my volume goal, played a little higher on average than I expected to. I didn't hit 4bb, though if I filter out 3 and 4 handed play (47k hands, where I lost at 1evbb, 90%+ reg battling) then I just scrapped it. Going to continue starting all my games this year, though I understand there's a pretty high chance there's drastic changes to the lobby this year (all zoom or a blind lobby) so we'll just have to see how it goes. Pretty sure all previous years I've won at some rate while starting tables, but even if -1bb is accurate, it cost me 4 or 5 stacks to have the lobby basically whenever I sit it - that's cheaper than a script, plus it forces me to play more hands vs the better regs which is useful for study.

One things I haven't mentioned so far is the army - BitB Cash. I really enjoy working with the guys and sharing in their journey, they keep me sharp and I love to see the hardest working guys eventually rise to the top (as they always do). We've improved a lot of our marketing stuff a ton recently so we're starting to see many more applicants, which is translating into better student numbers. I'm also pretty delighted with the new website (which I rebuilt from scratch in August/September), I'm confident it's the most secure poker video platform on the internet and I'll continue to make additions/ improvements this year - starting with a comprehensive overview of the fundamentals of the most commonly occurring spots, which I've started, with the aim of it functioning as the intro for our new players.

That's it for now, been typing way too long - may bump the thread with some goals for the month/year but I need to think about how best to approach this.

GL out there!

glad youre feeling better.

Would recommend getting into meditation, the book The mind illuminated is the best way to get started.

Good luck man!

Weed is a massive thing that can change mental stability.

Gl this year don


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I only just got round to reading your post about your mental health problems and it hit me hard because I've been through similar things (including the Kafkaesque experience of being sectioned and locked up while supposedly being a "voluntary" patient). Thanks for sharing your story.

I'll probably send you a PM. Take care, bro, and best of luck in 2019!

Read your post regarding the episode gl bro tough times behind. I've had 3 episodes and while weed didn't help, at times it reduced my anxiety/paranoia and calmed my psychotic thought patterns. But weed also did the opposite at other times (which is recurring in all drugs, + and - effects.)

What made me dive deep into my disconnection from reality was mainly insomnia. And violent tendencies while psychotic. I've sadly assaulted someone each of the 3 episodes...

Remember 24-hour long sessions at 100nl, popping amps like it was (literally) candy lol

Long live anti-anxiety medz.

Thanks for sharing all of this, I wish you the best in managing the situation.

absolute full ring specialist

Thanks for sharing your experience, best of luck in 2019 to a strong health and lifestyle

+1 to this. Read it slowly, not all at once and build a daily meditation habit.
I've heard very experienced meditators say that it's the best book ever written on the subject.

Thanks for sharing Donald, best of luck in the future!

we often times forget, but health (mental and physical) is the single most important thing in life

Gl recovering, cya at the tables

Thanks man, best of luck to you too

Yah, all the nurses in the hospital was saying they have more people in tripping out on weed than anything else, which is pretty surprising. I kinda considered myself an advocate for it's benefits before it went sour (pun intended). I used to really enjoy it, but I'm retired for life now, ggwp.

Cheers bro

Thanks man - and yeah hospital was a super weird/intense experience, glad it's not just me who felt like that - kept thinking about one flew over the cuckoo's nest actually

Ahh interesting - yeah first time around I felt like I'd been awake a huge amount of time - when I was admitted to the hospital I was claiming more than a week, but actually tracing the timeline back it'd only been a few days, even that was with a nap or two here and there. My perception of time was definitely super screwy.

I've actually never taken an upper of any description besides caffeine, couldn't really ever see me doing it now either. Trip or two gotta me in shook life mode I guess

Appreciated man, thank you.



Thanks brother!

Cool, I'll look out for that book.

Cheers dude!

+ ****ing 1 man, so easy to take for granted.

==========================================

So!

The poker gods have turned a kind ear to all of your kind best wishes - year is off to a flying start



Games have been absolutely popping off, been playing 1 longer session basically every day so video making has had to go on hold for a bit. Been throwing in some midstakes timbeys on the side to keep the sessions rolling, managed to ladder to 4th in a pigeon $55 on party last night for a bonus bag

Besides that, I saw my psychiatrist on the 10th, was just a short appointment and they took my dose down to 500mg from 600 - a small step in the right direction! Probably just placebo but haven't slept more than 11 hours since then, so seems like a positive change.

Taking a day off tomorrow to play golf with some pals, followed by dinner at mum's. Will throw out a low-pressure goal of 40k hands for the month and probably update at the end of it.

GL out there!

GL. Wish you the best with 2019 both on the tables and off.

Can't agree more with what Elsa said. Health is the most important thing (both mental and physical) and something which many poker players don't take as seriously as they should.

GL this year. Excellent post. Thanks for sharing something so personal and senselessly stigmatised. Glad things seem to be on the up and up again

Been so busy in the rift didnt even know u had a new thread so only just read this.

Sick update man, if that had happened to me idk if i would have been able to share it so respect bro, keep up the piano and see you at EU worlds 2019

also the wolves ask about u sometimes, can i share this post with them or no? it gives a much better insight than i could

Glad to see you back and doing well at the tables, good job man