Bad news. (No, I didn't have a gambling relapse. Not that bad.) I had a short chat with support on PS and whoever was on the other side informed me that it is not always that monthly challenge is awarded even if an account has a proper chest level. Oh well. Very sad. Looks like I should go to GG but ... I will still give a chance to PS. I think they support person might be incorrect with his/her answer and I hope next month I will get it again. Lets see.

So I started to grind leaderboards and had an excellent session today.

Lost some ev, I was chasing this on microstakes when I had AA twice in AI preflop and lost to underpairs. I also lost more EV on my currently highest stakes (NL25) where I decided to use cashout option. Maybe soon I will stop using it as roll is growing up.

Sleep, work, grind, repeat

Sleep!

Exactly. Take care of your sleep. I am now super serious. Please read about it!
I am not an expert in this field, but I read and study a lot about topics concerning good sleep and how sleep influences our mental and physical performance. It is not a medical advice, just a friendly suggestion to at least check the topic.

It is really essential to have a good sleep, in order to keep top level of mental and physical performance. It sounds pretty obvious but who, in todays world, doesn't have any sort of troubles with good quality sleep. Especially our type of humans - poker players.

If you are not interested about this topic at all, not good, but at least give it 15 minutes and a brilliant short video to watch is a TED talk given by Matt Walker. If you have more time - watch more podcasts and interviews with this guy, maybe read his book too. Another great content related to sleep - first few podcasts by Andrew Huberman (available for free everywhere, just google). These have a form of longer lectures and everything is science based, well explained and a lot of free techniques and protocols for improvement are given. On youtube you have good timestamps so you can skip "boring" parts.

It is not possible for me to write all of these important knowledge in a post here or even try to summarize it. Everybody is different and have different problems. But you can find there a solution to most if not every problem related to sleep. Even if you think you doing ok, it is worth to check it, learn more about sleep and I am pretty sure there is still room for improvement. Just to mention few - If you had a bad sleep last night (or too short) - your sexual performance drops significantly, you are mentally of course way below your average, you get a car accident more often when driving, you are more prone to tilt and make bad decisions. Basically it affects almost all aspects of your life and performance while awake. Not to mention not enough regeneration after workout, higher risk of health problems and worse memory. More people die than on average of heart attack the day after we move clocks one hour forward. Less people die of heart attack, when we add an hour when time shift happens. Think about it!

It is really one aspect of life, where few advices, tricks and protocols availabre for free, can so dramatically provide enormous improvement. Improvement that not only benefits on poker tables but in life too. Please, check it out girls and guys.

PS. And remember to carefully make the bed and stretch the sheet.

Nice post, thx!

Tough day at... I think I should write at Pokerstars?

Started grind early today, before maintenance break. Lost tons of flips in a row. Hardly you can see it on a graph as I grind almost all stakes for LB from the bottom up to NL50 today and those early hands are small on the graph. BTW It is a good moment to mention - yesterday I got 4 chests from LBs for total $14 which is ok-ish rb for me. However I don't think I run this good today, so probably tomorrow will get way less, if anything at all. Here is today's graph:



Well the session was little bit frustrating as all the time EV was moving away from the real dollars. Then half of the day, when I had a time to grind - there was massive maintenance break/restart servers. Right after it, there were still issues with joining the tables. But I managed to almost break-even, not tilt, and have just another solid day of grind in a way it should look like. Also the EV is really good. So in the end I am happy.

Now I think I have a clear vision and strategy about getting out of my big financial Armageddon with help of poker. I want to grind Zoom obviously. I really count on PS that in following months I will get monthly challenges (if not I might change the room). The main goal right now for me in terms of poker skills/winnings is to aim at average winnings around $50/day. Last 3 days my EV was easily above this number. Of course sample is small etc. but it is not a big deal. Important thing right now is that I feel it is realistic and doable in near future. I study hard everyday: 1-2 videos, good twitch streams, hands from forum, ranges and as much GTOW as I can get as a free account. I will continue study hard and a lot focusing only on 6max Zoom to be sure I am around $50/day. I don't limit myself on this number. If I will be able to crush NL100 - sure. But $50 is good amount because, per month, I can basically withdraw enough money to close subsequent loan package and also enjoy other things without worrying about my budget. So now it is really my main task to generate skills and confidence for this level. It is just 50z with 2bb/100 winrate is what I need. But actually is is also a little bit above that I really need. So there is really no pressure if I make a little bit less, or have a break-even week. It will be still really ok. And with each month, with each paid loan or other good things moneywise that can happen I should be in more and more comfortable financial position.

Now, please, some good EV run

Well I am sort of again in ugly trouble situation...

To be honest I don't know what exactly happened and now I am quite tilted, annoyed with of all this, so here we go.

Honestly, yesterday was quite annoying day for me, but in the end I went break even and somehow I could say it was ok. I didn't have urge to gamble, just slight tilt. Why? All the time running under ev and then there was this maintenance that took about 10h on stars. More than it was announced. I was planning to play during that time (I had a day off my job and I planned it before maintenance info) and they started it when I was down so it is always annoying. Well, that can happen. Ok. Earlier I had one contact with support about a monthly challenge for me. Basically this went bad as I got info that not everybody and not always is getting it. Really? Idk. I though according to info on website, if I have correct chest I get either 10 or 40% challenge. I had a feeling that lady at support doesn't know too much and just answers to get rid of me. Today I also contacted support and got different answer but also not solving/answering my question. I got suggestion to wait and to keep checking challenges and eventually I should get one. Sure.

This perfectly coincided with the fact that today I was able to switch to platinum rakeback on GG. Now I have constant weekly rakeback instead of fish buffet spins. So for the evening I decided to play some GG, it is Friday, what can go wrong. Well, apparently almost everything. Of course I continue run under EV and then what? Some issues, technical problems on GG. Great. Now tilt juices increased levels in my blood. Yesterday stars, today gg. Really?

After another technical break things at the table got even worse and also I am not sure if they really returned all money to the cashier, when the crash occurred while I was playing. Pokercraft completely doesn't agree even if I subtract rake. So bad. I had half of my small roll here and somehow with bad run and b-game play managed to bust it at reg tables. Here things got really dangerous but hey... gravedigger has to dig deeper grave for himself. So I tried to make another deposit, this time from my bank account. Of course it was a bad idea in general, I should not use this money for poker, but generally was not planning to immediately bust it or gambling session. Interestingly, the transaction to my electronic wallet was cancelled. But funds were taken from my bank account. I assume, they will return to my bank, but for now I don't know what is going on and what will happen. So it is really annoying and i'm supertilted by all those issues. First - stars, then - gg, now - fund transfers. It was always working to make transfers with this method and suddenly just short message and don't know what next. Company responsible for payment processing has no live chat. Tried to fill the contact form. Imagine. Not working. So I send email to support, I hope they will process it when I send it not through the form. At least I got auto response that they received it.

So yes... another sequence of great, annoying actions and circumstances. Still don't know why I didn't get the monthly bonus. I should stay on Stars and grind there. Don't know what with my funds and I really need them soon. In case if they lock them for a while, I should still be ok, but it is not a great moment for that kind of maneuvers. Now it is weekend and I am not sure how fast they can resolve it and such difficulties are bad for mental condition.

Until there is some progress I will probably not play at all. Hard to believe that payment processor/company gonna steal my money. Obv not, but it is still annoying and some stupid thoughts come to the cursed mind of gravedigger. I got another painful lesson! Probably will read a book and watch some podcasts all the weekend instead of grinding out of my hole. Really stupid development and I handled all these poorly. But still in 2 days there are like 4 other things and factors that are not working accordingly. Argh...

Are there any good news out there?

Everyone had stars maintenance and the fact you got sad about it when losing means you were gambling mentally.

It is not in your hands if you win or lose .

There is no way for you to improve in poker unless you really check yourself in terms of how you study it and how you approach it.

If you want to gamble and play in a recreational manner then do it .

If you want to win money you need to approach it in a much more humble manner.

I believe I make slow progress in this department, but definitely have still some issues. It was the feeling that initially everything is under perfect control, I grind stakes accordingly to BRM and not even think about "gambling". Then it is probably when some difficult events occur, it slowly gets under my skin. Honestly, those technical issues related to rooms where annoying, but not triggering me in any seriously bad way. I would say for a moment it was even funny as back-to-back it occurred at PS and then GG. Now I am just mostly annoyed because of the unknown status of my bank transfer. If this takes more time to resolve I have to put some money in other way and too many moves like this always causes unnecessary additional fees. And it is weekend now, so probably till Monday nothing will happen in this case.

Two days of cool off and break from the tables definitely good for me, I will enjoy weather, free time and a book. Back on the grind on Monday and I hope I will be able to resolve transfer issues as soon as possible as it is a little bit uncomfortable for me at the moment.

Had today a loooong long run. I used to run regularly, but somehow recently I dropped this habit. Need to get back to run at least once each week. It is of course good workout, but I like how I am only with myself in my mind and can clear my head and rethink all things that are going on. Afterwards, hot/cold/hot/cold shower and now feeling much better for the rest of the day. Had a short chat with my bank assistant. Probably the transaction from yesterday is about to be cancelled (still dont know the reason why) and all my funds should be back accordingly. But no sooner than Monday. My main concern was about paying off last loan - assistant assured me if there is a delay with this last transaction, they will wait for me until I have funds available to pay it off, so no worries. Lets say I feel better now a bit. And I can also transfer other funds and play poker.

So, please let me post some more graphs on a daily basis for the next week or more. I need to stick to the rules and professionally approach the problem. Currently I plan to play from NL2 -> NL25 on stars doing leaderboards (still it is sort of ok rakeback, especially as I dont have a challenge). When I finish LB I just continue at stake that I am winning and is appropriate for my BR. To make things easier for me - first step is to achieve avg winnings of $20/day. If I grow BR a little bit, with such profits I will do small withdraw of about $200 each two weeks. It will help in my monthly finances. Optimal rate is around $50/day. If I have a week with such average I am going to do withdraw on a weekly basis. This is also the optimal and minimal level for long-run plan of going out of my debt. If winnings are higher, rest remains in BR unless some really sunrun happens, but as for now it is not a thing I should consider to much in my plans.

If I have a worse week with respect to winnings (below $20/day) then just no withdraws, we keep grinding one week more. Very simple. In fact, I really believe results will come, I just must play good poker and don't fire any degen activities or let my mind go crazy about other nonsense. After a week or two I will switch my posting mode maybe to 1 graph per week. But right now it is really important to me, that I can posting here and keep (or not) my accountability. In the meantime, of course more posts about poker related stuff, venting my emotions, maybe some strategy and science too.

So stay tuned.

Tired but happy. Result is break even, variance helped a little to bring small profit. There was a good moment at NL10 and 16 I was winning many medium and large pots and then quickly gave away in 3 setups overpair vs set in 3bet/4bet pots. Calmly played assumed hands and no dirty thoughts in my mind appeared at any moment.

Of course I would be more happy with higher winrate. I had few moments of worse focus and probably few ugly bluffs. Tomorrow another session.

Good night.

Possibly in one of my past posts I mentioned I had a time in my life I studied a lot topics of self-development, productivity, motivation and all this bee ess. Nowadays, I have mostly poor-neutral opinion about it in general and rather bad about whole business. Lot of people reading it, joining some training, workshops, pays a lot, feeling great and important when they learn it, then go home and they are still old, weak, lazy humans. However, sometimes you can find something that resonates with you and actually give you a real boost. So maybe it is worth to dedicate some time to this area. Maybe you find something useful, working for you, then use it and improve. Good luck with that.

From time to time I keep an eye on this topics. Today I have just listened to a short interview with Tilman Fertittia - Houston Rockets owner and businessman. He mentioned 95-5 rule (something different to Pareto's 20-80).

I think I am good at many things in poker to be successful. I am motivated, good at technical stuff, mathematics, GTO, using software, grinding long hours. Maybe the remaining 5 percent - bad gambling behavior - determined that I suck instead of excel.

Of course such "brilliant" idea are pretty general and universal - so very often it is sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. Everybody can find that it fits his/her life. So I don't think it is a big deal, but very likely that 5% where I really suck at poker determined that I fail so hard.

What is yours 5%?

Short session today but another solid one. Just micros.

Unfortunately, situation got a little bit complicated and had to stop grind and do withdraw from PS. Got some additional costs and don't want to screw anything while my finances getting little bit tight. So I will probably left again with rather tiny roll - about $100 from RB on GG that I will get tomorrow. It will very likely that it will take few days to transfer it to stars and get back to grind. Again annoying turn of the events, but at least no gambling or tilt is following this.

I don't feel comfortable with such maneuvers and I really hope next month things will be really easy in that matter, but it still more than half of June to go. Maybe it was too optimistic to pay of 3 debts in June after my good start of the month and now as things got more difficult it is not that easy anymore. Well, I have to deal with it and go through this dark trip I prepared for myself last half a year.

Well... nothing will surprise me. It's almost middle of the month and pokerstars awarded me a "monthly" challenge. Sorry - not within my current reach, especially I have only 15 days to grind it out and no bankroll. Very sad they couldn't award it on the beginning of the month. I could plan it all differently. Well... not a big deal. I hope they do it better next month.

Apparently, from time to time I also have some basic arithmetics difficulties. My financial situation in June is stable and I am not this near to critical point as I thought yesterday (in post above). However a small withdraw was necessary and now I continue grinding micros with tiny bankroll. Most likely a good idea for the rest of the month and see if I am solid grinder without gambling issues. I am going to grind a lot. If good run happens, then there is real possibility that I can attack Monthly challenge next month. Of course only if pokerstars award similar one as I got today and give more time. All this is for sure doable for me, I just need focus on good grind, study and not gamble at all. Then, if I can get into a mode in which I successfully finish those challenges on a monthly basis I am in happy, safe place. It still will be a long road to finish my ultimate goal, but at least not that miserable. And I still need to be very careful not to let the devil take control.

Short-term adaptation that as long as I am in micros, I can reduce my study time. I will stick to what is live - namely, during week I watch CeeGee cash game stream. These are excellent. During weekend some poker videos. Recently I watched some older videos from 500z back from 2017 or around that time. Oh... not sure if it is good idea to learn from them. I remember at that time NL500 was treated as toughest regular games in NL and you need to be master to beat them. Watching few coaches playing those in 2016-2017 I see lot of error and blunders. Ok, sorry for offtopic. So I will just stick to 1-2hour per day studying, then grind as much as I can.

As soon as I play around NL25/50 I will increase study time. So current goal is to build roll to play NL50 in July and grind Monthly challenge with break-even winrate at least. I think I can do better now. In 3 weeks I hope I will improve my game even more.

Dead or wild?

Wild!

Really busy few days as this week started. Lot of work at the office and there is really good change I will get involved in one side-project that can possibly help in my financial situation. I did my best and now I have to wait till the end of the year for the conclusion and results. I keep the finger crossed and hope for the best.

Then I had one short day off for a quick trip. During this trip I met a good old poker friend and he offered me a small stake to grind out the Monthly challenge. I was really unsure if at my current state of mindset and financial situation, playing at stake is a good idea. Clearly explained my doubts, we talk through it very deeply and for him it is ok to take this small gamble. It is also interesting how it influence my other mindset problems. At the moment I would say I feel very responsible, when playing for his money, but of course there are people who could gamble for rolls give from stakers, blow it away and then.... I don't know what then and don't want to explore this option.

To sum this part up, now I have a roll to grind my monthly challenge. Deal stops when I finish it and we split all profits with rb, winnings and challenge chest.
So far I finished 12% and have almost 12 days till the end. Current graph below.


It will be a lot of grind during incoming days so I basically reduce all other activities to minimum to comfortably play it out. This weekend will be very important and I hope I do a lot of volume. I prefer to do more than average points/day I need now and to finish it 1-2 days earlier, than to grind it till the very end of deadline.
Break even result and splitting rest of bonuses with my friend will be perfectly satisfying for both of us, anything above it, even 1bb/100 for rest of the month is brilliant as I would be able to drop another loan package in July.

Wild and hot! Too hot. It's really summer now in my city and days are really hot. Not the best conditions for a high volume, intense and focused grind, but hey.... sunny days and high temperatures should not be any type of excuse, so here I grind. So far I follow the optimal pace with challenge current progress at 23%. Plan is to do 40% till the end of weekend, then I can slightly slow down during the next week. I have some small profit which obviously is very nice, gives some comfort and backup in further grind. Yesterday I played a lot of stakes both NL and PLO to hit some LB's and got about 60$ from it + 40$ rakeback from regular chests. I don't like the idea that at the moment my results indicate that I am "rakeback pro" - but hey, I take it at this moment. Of course I really prefer to work out at least small winrate. Especially with positive winrate you are way more protected from variance, than when you "rb pro". I definitely need more study time too. However till the end of this challenge it will be unfortunately reduced to minimum. I have a feeling that my total time of optimal study + grind has some limited value. So if I study more time, then I will follow it with less hours of optimal and focused grind. If I don't study - I can grind a lot. Probably it is just around 8h/day of "watching" cards flying for me, before my mind has enough.

Moving on rest of June should be relatively peaceful and uneventful. Main goal is to grind the challenge and not screw anything with my "gambling issues".

Still too hot and too wild!

Monthly challenge is at 43%. I am a little bit ahead of pace, which is great. If I don't bust roll, grinding it out within given time should be easy. And this is basically all good that I can report. I don't feel 100% good grinding with the stake deal. I don't think I will go for it next month. The situation is ok, but so far had about 3 days of break even game, then solid downswing and today I managed to regrind it about 80%. So basically I am still around break even (actually small profit with chest rb), which is good but.... really I hoped for a little bit better. Yesterday during bad run I had many doubts if I should continue or quit the challenge and stake and cut the loses. Zoom poker sometimes is really tough. Or rather I still have a lot to learn. So definitely after the challenge I will increase study time.

Tomorrow I should cross the half-time mark and then there is no way I back out from this mission. Basically if I repeat the result of first half of the challenge, both sides of the deal, staker and I, we are quite happy and I should be able to pay another loan in July (which is my one of many milestones toward getting out of debt).

So for the moment, and few more days, nothing smart here to post by me except for short reports. Bear with me, after challenge I will post short summary and discuss what next...

50 days of Nightmare.

Yes, it is 50 days as I am here posting about my degening actions and hopeless attempts to fix my situation. I have just read all my previous posts, gave a few minutes of thoughts and I must admit I barely made any progress. I expected way more after 50 days. That has just made me really sad again and feel not good about all the situation and perspectives.

There were few singular moments that I had some gambling relapses. But now I think it is much better and for almost all June I avoid it and feel much safer about it. And this is basically best things poker related I can write now. OK, outside of the poker, I did some good stuff at work and there are some good possibilities but rather in distant future. One side-project can be very lucrative for me and if it succeed I would feel it is finally big step on my way out of debt. Keeping the finger crossed here, but it still far away and nothing granted. Would be great to win this flip thou.

Then, back to poker. So far it is really back and forth for me. Several times I basically followed the same routine. Few days of small profits on micros/small stakes, then I have some more optimistic/euphoric long-term/bigger plans or attempt to grind challenge/rakeback and then it usually doesn't work out for me. Cry, sleep, repeat. I followed yesterday sort of "optimistic" post with another long session and definitely I am heading toward the end of challenge, but it will be very likely around break even. Probably 3 more days to grind and as I am not winning at the moment at this sample, the variance again will decide about final result. Again the outcome decided in a way that I didn't want to.

As a result I still "don't know my numbers". I can't say with enough confidence at which stakes I can have what kind of winrate. I probably beat NL10/25, NL50 rather not yet. To have a proper progress I really need to change something, more than just avoiding gambling on HS PLO.

Clearly there are two valid options for me as far as poker rooms: stars and GG. And as a challenge is closer and closer, I think about GG more and more. I will definitely not repeat the same challenge in July on stars. In past I thought it should be easy and almost my ultimate goal, as grinding it out even with 0 winrate generates enough financial support for me. Well, I screwed last 50 days and didn't prepare myself well enough for this task. Both no skills and no comfortable bankroll. Yet. Frankly speaking PS screwed me up also. If they awarded monthly challenge at beginning of month it would be totally different situation. But they gave me it in the middle of month with less than 13 days to finish it. Usually it was around 25 days and I could grind it out mostly on NL25. Well, it happens.

On GG I have a constant rakeback (Platinum Octopus or something like this) which is way better solution for me. No need to chase any bonuses, timeframes, deadlines etc. And that's it. All rest is not as good about GG for me. High rake, strange and unclear promos, longer withdraws and tons of other shady moves. However for the summer time, this constant rakeback is something very important to me, as doing challenges on stars will be impossible due to my travel plans. I know that being rakeback pro is not great and probably should not be my goal, but on micro/small stakes rb is great part of your profits. Well I still have about 3-4 days to decide my next step. But I really need basic, solid plan, stick to it and generate some effects (and profits). Otherwise my suffering here and in life will last for a very long time, while I am wasting tons of time and effort on unsuccessful re-grind attempts.

This summary is quite painful. As things happens in life, another events and days pass by, the feeling of time can accelerate when you look back. But then you see, how much could be done better and it is important to draw some good conclusions. Now after reviewing those 50 days I feel almost like at the beginning. Right after all my big loses. Hopeless, with hole in my mind and body, soul possessed by tilt devil, while being foolish and naive. 50 days of Nightmare.

Moderate slowdown in my monthly challenge. I was thinking I will be finishing it tomorrow or on Friday. But I think it will take more time - I still have 7 days to go and currently I have 60% done.

I grinded a little bit less, studied few spots and maybe this or complaining in previous post worked out as I have just got a little wind into sail. Currently I have small positive winnings and if I go break-even for the rest of the challenge, I will be able to book happy green profits, split it with my backer and close another loan. To early, to celebrate, but it helps and improve my overall mood. It is still not supercomfortable spot for me thou. I have no problem with splitting profits with my friend, but grinding with my buddy money is "strange" to say the least. Well I am deep in debt, but I think I used to live on bank money. On positive side, I am pretty sure I am very close to break-even/small winrate on NL50, which is current mid-term goal for me. Let's just play some more and see the results.

I think I underestimated one thing. Of course more than "only one", but now I want to write about following specific aspect of Zoom poker. Micros have big pools, running 24/7 and there are plenty of fishes all the time. However I have a strong feeling, starting from 50z and probably it is even more true at higher stakes, that pool can differ significantly depending on time of the day, and day of the week. Sometimes I see lot of break-even, good and bad regs, same group of nits, short stackers and little bit of recreationals. While at other time, people are just randomly throwing money at me. I still don't have a clear understanding and data, when it is optimal time to play. Usually I was thinking it is weekend, Sunday evening especially. More recently I have a feeling early European hours are better, even on Mondays Tuesdays. Any Canadians can confirm? At the moment it is still rather my impression of the situation, but I will definitely try to figure this dependence out.

Next two days I have lot of work at the office, so I will try to grind minimal amount of points at average pace for the challenge. Then I hope to finish it on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Lets gooooo!

Short update due to very busy days - both at work and at the tables.

So I did some more grind yesterday and a little bit today. Challenge progress significant - currently at 78%. And what is more awesome, more profits on the way. If things go like that till the end of the challenge I will be very happy. Unfortunately I am not happy with my current grind style as I try to run through all leaderboards. I got some chests with a rakeback and hit few higher ones $40 and $20, but also lot of small from lowest stakes. I am also not too happy that for the same reason I added PLO zoom up to 50z, but somehow my old PLO skills are enough for these levels and PLO is good for grinding rake faster. I really not plan to grind it in next month and stick only to NL. But now I do it only because Stars awarded me this bonus very late and I prefer this move than grinding NL100. Solid excuse, I know I know.

Good thing is that I am really focused purely on grinding games within a roll/stake agreement and there was no single moment I was thinking about higher stakes or other form of gambling that I often run into in the past. On stars I have already blocked such options so it is still within my responsible gaming.

Some interesting things might be going on soon in my regular job but still to early to write more. Need to thing about it more time and see what will happen and what my boss suggests. Might be there a possibility to work for a while in different country. It is still far away in time and I hope when this possibility is open I gonna already deal at least with half of my debt, but that might be optimistic assumption. The point is such move to work in another country might help - when I get some salary boost, but might also go completely other way. So I might have more difficulties to live in expensive place and pay of my debt on regular basis. Hard to clearly estimate all the financial details atm, so I try not to worry too much about it. I will be really pissed if my debt problem will stop such development of my career and a good opportunity. And I still believe that most likely the salary I will get will help me even more and this option will significantly improve my finances. Time will show.

As for now I just have to stay focused on what is ahead of me. Lets finish the challenge this week, split profit with backer, pay of next small loan and think about poker plans for July. And I promise I will improve my blog posts, as now they are very chaotic as I usually write them late at night after grind sessions. So they are not planned and thought through on some specific topic. But they are really purely fueled by actions and emotions right from my mind and heart.

All best!

Weekend is almost here!

Had a really busy week at the office and I am happy that I did a lot of important things there and all went smooth. I also managed to grind with volume appropriate to current challenge.

Right now I am at 89% so probably 2-3 more peaceful days of grind and challenge is done. Yesterday had a small bump on the way and booked a couple buyins losing session. In recent time, when I was degening and dumping tons of money it was one of my biggest problem and trigger. I really couldn't stand few losing sessions in a row and then I tried to up the stakes to win it back. I know, totally ugly idea. It is even more stupid, than in past I was quite good at handling swings and losing streaks. It is hard to say what changed in my mind. Now I try to fix it and I think I have a progress here. Last losing session isn't that painful and I can accept it. Definitely I was very far from thinking about winning it back at higher stakes or other gambling activities.
I still have some nice profit in last grind and with addition of challenge money I can enjoy significant boost. And of course I have to add that I split profit with my backer. For July I think I will be able to grind similar bonus without sharing the wins/loses.

Unfortunately, I have also one bad news. I realized this week that one bonus part of my paycheck ends in July. I was somehow convinced I will be getting this bonus till the end of the year. So from August the financial situation for me will get tougher. The debt costs gonna eat about half of my paycheck and then 1/4 is my living costs. So if I will be not able to add some support from poker profits, it will be very hard to pay off more than minimum. It is still a lot of time ahead and I think by then I should be on the right track with poker grind to consistently show profits.

Well, no need to worry too much right now, lot of things are on the right track. Let's keep digging the gold!

More bad news...

Long grind session behind me, and unfortunately after few good days in profit, the doomswitch arrived. I grinded quite a lot - maybe too much, as I easily could slow down but I really want to finish off the challenge. Now it is on 97% so probably today it will be over. I played most on PLO tables to accumulate points faster and as we all know - PLO can be cruel. So I dropped I think above 10BIs mainly losing flips. This one bad sesh ate almost all profit so far during the stake. So with the bonus I will get I will be still in green but.... it is really heartbreaking that at the last distance before finish line I had to experience such turbulences.

I must admin I felt red hot tilt inside myself and was very tempted to do some gambling. I successfully stayed away from this idea. I am not sure yet, what saved me - is it because of stake, or maybe from understanding it is not a solution. It also felt different than it was in the past. I basically was disgusted by the fact that at the end of the challenge I have to book a big loss, while it could go much better. Especially now, as I really need this "better". I had absolutely zero of the feeling that its cool to gamble higher and win it back. I really felt some sort of fear about it and maybe this shift of emotions associated with gambling higher kept me away. I really didn't want to do this and I wouldn't enjoy the "thrill" of it. I only wanted to "easily and quickly" recover some of my loses.

Well, maybe that was a test and a lesson for me. Let me assume it is sort of good outcome. Will finish last 3% of the challenge today. Split what we have with baker and then I think about what next.

Yes and this is it. Challenge finished with very disappointing last part. Last session also went rather bad and with adding challenge chest I booked very small profit. That is of course good, but there was a peak profit earlier in the challenge that was looking great and if I could hold it till the end, the result would be amazing for me. Now, after splitting profit with my backer, I don't even have to support paying back another loan or to have a roll for grinding another monthly challenge without a stake. Really painful as I am still left with a feeling I tried my best, did everything as good as I can, avoided my worst enemies and in the end cards still doesn't cooperate. From this short perspective it is a feeling that one more time there was a good shot, but somehow in unfortunate way I miss it.

Quite sad finish of a challenge and second month of my struggle here. Especially it was so very close to book significant progress in term of dollars.

Now I am not sure how to proceed further. Need to rethink all above, take a piece of paper and evaluate all my options.

Ok, probably I need one more post for my sissy crying and complaining....

It still hurts how I sabotaged last few days of the challenge. Had a nice hot run for a moment and then all went downhill. I think I could possibly play it out slower and better. Instead I really wanted to end it as soon as possible while booking nice win. In the end I basically dumped all profits, while playing B (or even worse) quality in a game I maybe barely break-even. Again, I can find few other factors that had here "bad influence" on me in last few days, but...excuses. Hey, with 10 years of experience in online poker I definitely should handle it better. Lesson learned? Now, I would say - yes, but apparently I like to repeat some simple mistakes over and over again.

Now I am making very short break from play. Instead I do a lot of study. Had some cool poker videos to watch carefully, check stuff from my DB, analyze hands and improve ranges. I probably need to improve couple spots and decisions and then results will come. I don't want to play on stake next month and now I should still have enough roll to play comfortably in July. So the plan is to stick to Pokestars if they again offer me a Monthly Challenge on the same level like in June. One important thing here, is that I get it early on first days of the month, not like last month somewhere in the middle. I tried to discuss this issue with support, but each support person said different things and gave other explanations of what happened there.

If Pokerstars fails to give me challenge early, then I will go to GG. I have here 35% platinum rakeback which should be ok. Also there are other promos that add to rb. Still not sure if I prefer reg tables or rush&cash but as GG is my plan B, I don't need to decide it yet.

Finally, one big uncomfortable obstacle ahead of me is that from August I get less money as a monthly paycheck. This really hurts me now. One of side-bonus ends in July and somehow I was convinced I keep getting it till the end of year. Then, it will get really tough from August. Basically, my debt cost and living costs gonna eat around 80% of my income and it will be really hard to pay anything faster. This will be really a moment I need some side income from poker. No more time for joking around, trying crazy ideas to run it up quickly etc. and definitely no gambling. The situation might get better at the beginning of the next year, but it still far away and too early to even think about it. It is gonna be a difficult second part of 2022.

Not that the first part was nice and happy.

I think I haven't write many details about it before, but those last gambling problems for me started exactly in Dec 2021. Why? Not clear. I had a lot of free time - had to take a week off from work and probably was playing too much while enjoying alcohol and general life positive vibes. Earlier in 2021 I had few very good months in a row, but also spending lot of those winnings left and right. You keep winning, enjoying life, everything going smooth, then it is perfect moment to start shooting high stakes and gambling. At the beginning I was prepared for some loses and for a moment I was doing okish - rather break-even, but it was ok. I tried to look for tables with week players, never joined a table with all regs. Then probably two bad days in a row and I cleaned most of my roll in rather impulsive manner. At that moment it was still far from catastrophe, but it started to be really sick and degenerate manner. It was really pissing me off and the Christmas time was approaching. I did some "gansta" moves. Took a first debt to use this money to play and actually right before Christmas I manage to win back something like 80-90% loses. I was saved. The relief was big. I was so happy and was thinking - ok, this was a scary lesson. Let's don't do it again.

I wish I could rewind the time to this moment. Yes, then I had great Christmas and NYE. In the meantime I was back to good regular grind and was soon about to close the debt. Whole January was slowly grinding little profit and I felt I really not gonna blow it away again. I had a one business trip at the end of January. At this time I was such a happy person. Feeling great, confident etc. Talking to a lot of people, enjoying life and work. The issue returned after I was back with a trip and if I remember correctly again I drink a little bit too much. In past I played a lot after alcohol and of course it was never my A game, but I never did a really stupid moves. Here, I somehow felt for it and busted almost everything again. I knew something bad is happening to me. Moving on things got out of control. I had a Winter holidays soon and I almost had no money for a trip. Took few more small debts, some gambled away, some used to pay for my regular expenses. I told myself - ok, after the Winter break, I have to recover from this **** and build everything from bottom. Well, managed to grind some back in next 3-4 weeks. I grinded back close to 40-50% of my loses and things again started to look bright. But here, my mental state was really unstable. I wanted to get back to surface as fast as possible, and it is never good approach in poker. Basically I had one more time similar blow up, then rebuild around 50% again and the final bust off my roll right at the end of April. And then I decided to start this blog.

Now, I think I start to keep my gambling demon under control - but I am still very careful about it. I read some of my earlier posts for many times, I study mindset, watch guys that are calm, grinding machine with iron mindsets. I can really feel the difference: back in past I was finding something "exciting" in such degen moves. Now it is only empty pain for me and I don't want to try it again at all. Unfortunately, I somehow lost my confidence and something that usually made me a winning player at the tables. At this moment I really don't know if games are that much tougher now? Or am I playing now too scared? Not study enough? Not possible to beat some games due to rake? I have all those questions in my head all the time. Somehow in last two months I was unable to keep a solid grind with consistent results that can help me to rebuild my roll and finances. Maybe such a prolonged downswing is going on. Maybe I just play bad or not enough. I really need to find it out soon and fix it.

So for now I simplify everything as much as possible. Do significant amount of study. Play a lot. If Stars gives me challenge, then I stick there. Grinding out $800 challenge is really what makes my financial life easy and even if it will take me a lot of time to bring my head to the surface of my gravehole, it is ok. I don't need much. I still assume I am able to do better and I think about it as rather some minimum that is right now within my reach.

Till the end of June I plan to study a lot so I think I will put few more strategic posts and maybe grinding smaller than for a challenge to see if there is progress in my game and strategy and get few small winning days before July.

It is really hot outside here. Uffff....

Last four days of June I was planning on calm grind of micros. 2 days of NL10 and 2 days of NL25 - probably with average volume. It is really hot outside and hard to keep the PC on all the time and grind comfortably. However, I can see that now Stars are trying hard to "be better" and I have just got a notification I will have a minichallenge last two days of June. Great. Surely will grind it out. Wednesday unfortunately I have a long day at the office, but other than that it is still nice bonus and I can easily grind it out on stakes that I can afford and not lose on average. Fingers crossed that Stars follows this good attitude and quickly award me monthly challenge on 1st of July.

Now few words on health.

Health is very important for me. Probably most people can say that and then still they don't care enough. And I am in this group as well. But I really try to devote more and more resources and effort toward good health. I have few bad habits that are definitely unhealthy and probably it will be extremely difficult for me to completely get rid of these. However, I hope with a progress of knowledge and medicine we should be able soon to minimize bad effects of some of our unhealthy habits.


While studying this topic I realized that during last 6 months it is very likely that stress is the worst thing I experience excessively. Probably, it will stay with me for a longer while anyway and it is not easy to get rid of it, until I really improve my financial situation. Psychically, I think I sort of get used to it. Sometimes I can work, stay focused and operate on optimal levels even with this increased stress levels, sometimes it kicks my ass and I am anxious. There is of course tons of advices how to deal with stress you can find on the internet. Most of them are pretty obvious, we all know these techniques, tricks or protocols. So probably there is no magic pill/solution and if all smart guys in the World are telling me I should do following... hey - they most likely are right.

1. Perspective, long view.
In 2 or maybe 3 years I will probably leave my financial problems behind me. Then I will be able to look back and think about it as a difficult lesson but it will not hurt anymore. Why should I now let myself suffer from this condition that eventually, after some time, will pass away. I also like to think that most problems in life can be simply solved by waiting certain amount of time and just surviving. Progress, technology and other circumstances will solve/take away this problem. However, I think it is often better to take more active approach, such stoic thinking can help to bring some calm in this long timeframe perspective.

2. Breathing.
Yes, this is very important. Lot of people know Wim Hoff method or other breathing techniques. I must admin I don't have any one that I prefer and give me significant effect. So I might explore this topic deeper in near future.

3. Meditation.
It is for me sort of connected to breathing. I tried some meditation apps and I liked it but I also haven't notice any significant improvement. But purely thinking about relaxing and calming down, I think similar or even better effect can have some ASMR videos. Maybe now I offended some meditations guru, but as a computer guy, I don't buy too much of spiritual part of meditations.

Finally I would add some physical activity. Mandatory. Sport, Excercise and seX

Stars calculate these challenges in such a way that you need to play over the volume of your usual limits (which will certainly affect the quality of the game), or the limits are higher, which can also put you in a difficult position.

So the stars are the same devil as before, just in sheep's clothing

But thanks for the return of the Rakeback system anyway

Yes, I see it in similar way and often fall into the trap of challenges/rb that is on the edge of my comfort zone, but still - I think it is great that they returned with such system. I wonder how much is because of competition in form of GGPoker taking over the traffic.

I have grinded short session on NL10. I was planning to play a little bit more hands, but felt a little bit tired at the end of the day and my flips were not going in right direction.

However, I feel better and better about my grinding. I don't have a problem with grinding small stakes and I keep focus even on micros as good as I was playing NL100. Still have some bad emotions and thoughts when session doesn't go my way, but it is definitely far from any attempts to gamble it back in any other inappropriate form. So far I can control it and keep playing solid game even when losing.
I also feel really comfortable on 10z and should have decent winrate there, especially that I now study a lot and am really focused only on this game. This is good for two reasons. It is building back my confidence and in worst case scenario, when I will have a tight budget in incoming months I believe I can grind around +$500 per month on NL10 and this is enough for me to live ok without much worries and stress. Worst case scenario I will be posting here my struggle on 10z till the end of year

But realistically, I am probably small winner on NL25 and not sure how is NL50. Need to build a bigger sample here and I feel now I still improve a lot of my game.

Currently I watch a lot of videos from GooseCore. He is really one of my role-model in this matter. The videos/streams with him are maybe not super deep into strategy and details from some unusual solvers output, they are more general. But this is exactly what I need right now at small stakes. He describes many spots in a way that is easy to understand and remember. Always calm and with iron mindset when flipping or coolered and simply taking spots one by one and performing best analysis and taking best action. This is a state of mind I want also to achieve during my sessions, so sometimes just watching how such person plays and imprinting it in my own mind is a good exercise. Back in time when I was grinding PLO, my main "hero" was "obviously" Phil Galfond. I had access to RIO videos and of course was watching all his content. After so many hours, I almost had a small PG talking to me in my head during my sessions. I was always asking myself: What would Phil do in the spot I am currently in? It is funny technique, maybe not the best, as I should be able to analyze and solve spots by myself and aim to be the best (better than PG or GooseCore), but when a confidence is not at the top level and you need some support that might be the right hack to trick your mind.

Tomorrow I will get a small end of month challenge. Will grind it and of course hope for the best - so I don't lose more at NL25/50 than I win from the bonus.