Hi guys.

Home sweet home. I am back from trip. All went pretty good, had a lot of great time away from poker. Talking, discussing, eating, drinking, enjoying time etc. There was this uncomfortable feeling back in my head about my tough financial situation. But I think after a month I am a little bit used to it and it is manageable in most moments. So basically, all went as good as I could ask for in last few days. I have a ****ed up diet, physical form and sleep schedule due to drinking too much coffee and alcohol, eating too much basically everything was super good, not having sport and sex last, and sleeping for 4h per day.

So what now?

I still have to figure out exact strategy. Now it is simple for next few days. I did found some more funds and did a small reload so I am able to finish monthly challenge one more time playing it out on NL25. I should finish it today. This will be my first step in this month as far as bankroll related stuff. The rest of the month I regenerate from trip physically and grind micros to get back on the right track of the grind. Then when June kicks in, I get salary and i will start feeling more confident there is no back scenario of running out of the money.

One bad thing related to running monthly challenge twice - probably stars will increase my challenge. This is important decision here. I am not sure how much they will increase. I hope I will be able to finishing it once in June on small stakes. This is my optimal plan. Even if I break even at the tables, the monthly challenge satisfy me in my rebuilding plan. I would prefer not to grind a ton and chase the points till the end of the next month. Usually when I was going for such challenges/bonuses that are right at the edge of my skills/time - it ended up bad. So if they give me challenge way out of my possibilities - I think I will switch to GG. Lets wait for June and see what happens.

Other than that June has the possibility to be a nice month besides poker. I have two music events planned that I'm going to attend to. Tickets were bought right before my Armageddon, but it still has to be accounted toward my exclusive expenses. Other than that I predict rather "accumulate savings" mode. if I don't have any blowups in June (rather tough as I restricted all higher stakes in a software) and I have a moderately positive results at the table - then in July I might add more budget toward "enjoying life" column. But right now... let me not lose the focus, stay sharp and grind.

in

Hey man I have read most of your journey. I have a suggestion, set your play limits to only the limit you play. So if you have $30 it's only set to nl2. Etc. And not move up while playing a session already. And I suggest having a bigger brm. So you can afford losing 3x BI without losing all your profits. I myself plan on playing 50k-100k hands on each limit before I move up. I had mental problems with brm too and gambling back 10 years ago but I figured out that I needed a huge br to feel I always play my A game. Atm I'm starting my nl journey (I used to play holdem fixed limit and spin n go with lots of success) I have $140 but I still play nl2 because I want a sample proving I can beat each limit I'm at. I hope some of my ideas could help you control your mental game. You clearly can be a good player. I wish you well

And also don't reload. Play with the money you have right now and only that. You shouldn't be using anymore of your income for poker. Use that for your debt and living expenses and bills. That helps since that will force you to take care of your only bankroll. Reaching 0 means the end of your poker journey end of story goodbye. I think this you SHOULD adopt. Remember this also Quality over Quantity. Means A game is more important than volume of hands played.

Thank you Avataren for excellent comment and advices.

I applied some "hard" stakes limit. Possibly I should consider doing exactly as you write - limit myself to current stake. Then if bankroll is ok, I can change them - it doesn't take much time. But this is always enough time that can safe bankroll in case of degen mode. I will decide how exactly apply this when June starts, I want to be able to grind monthly challenge if it is reasonable.

Now I really have to develop good bankroll strategy and stick to it no matter what. I have just finished last monthly challenge. So currently I have comfortable roll for NL50 but I think I will do some withdraws to take off one of the smaller loans in June with help of regular paycheck - this is pretty good goal and I am really happy if I can efficiently execute this step. Then, depending on the June promotions/challenges/rakebacks I will decide what and how to play. Last few May days - I think probably NL5/NL10 sessions and see how well it goes. Honestly, now it is really not a problem to me to do good solid grind on micro/small stakes, despite playing 10x - 20x higher back in time. It is very good sign to me, I really enjoy poker, playing cards no matter what kind of money is on the table.

May was a real mental rollercoaster for me. I know I am still very far from my goal but there is some good improvement and optimism for the future and feel now really OKish and not nervous all the time. Good sleep is also essential.

I have one more post planned in May concerning financial topics and then I will do my best to shift in June more toward writing about good poker at the tables. From all sides: strategy, mental approach, general ideas. I don't want this place to be only about my degen issues, however from time to time of course I have to write about it too.

So stay tuned, more good is here to come. All support and posts are really appreciated. Have a good weekend.

Hi maragedon,

Thank you for sharing your story with us, it's been an interesting read and I like how you keep picking youself back up and trying to make things right. It sounds like you have lots of issues like me but you are also aware of them and hope to fix them.

It's really difficult dealing with financial issues like you have but you can't ever give up and have to believe in yourself.

Please keep posting and trying your best because I believe you can do it!

Good luck man and take things slow and easy.

Do you have a poker or life goal for the end of the year?

Good question. I really like to have some goals or challenges, but usually deadlines and the time constraints are bad for me. Risk of failure and difficulty to accept create bad circumstance for me to go degen. Of course I would love to pay all my debts till the end of year. Is it possible? Very unlikely. I would probably need to crush 200z or similar stakes for 2-3 months. Well, maybe it is possible but I think now I am in situation I prefer to do it at slower pace. So I definitely not setting that ambitious goal.

I now rather think my goal for the rest of 2022 is not to tilt and avoid full degen mode. I don't want to dig deeper, no more new loans, debts. Actually if I somehow in a happy, good manner live my life and slowly pay my bills it is pretty good vision. But I really want to fix my poker game and support my progress with some money won on a tables. It doesnt have to be big (as I often mentioned). If I can get $1000 monthly challenge and break even on tables for the rest of the year - perfect for me. That can be my goal. it is actually now my current most possible strategy for next months as long as PS give me those challenges. Also winning something between $500-1k at the tables each month? Ok - gonna be super happy if I make it. If I could get smaller challenges - then I think I play reg tables instead of zoom. Unfortunately, now it is very likely I get bigger challenge. But anyway, those are pretty simple goals. I was winning more in my past. I know I can get there. But important is how I get there, and to do it without any issues.
So my goal is to consistently win at small stakes. If I can achieve 2-4bb/100 at NL100 by the end of the year - supergood. I can think now about it as my EOY goal. And I should pay something between 1/3 and 1/2 of my debts in the meantime.

Lets do it!

Today I have a small grind planned for the evening. I had a great day with family, eating, drinking wine etc. So the grind will be rather easy, no pressure now and I start with some micros. We need some good graphs also, its been a while.

I wasn't in my top shape yesterday, so I grinded roughly 1000 hands on NL5 making 2 BIs. Nothing special, just won two flips and not much other than that happened. But I am happy that I decided to take a correct a good decision to finish session early when not in an A game zone. Today I slept well, easy Sunday ahead and I will be well prepared for the evening grind.

Recently I did some browsing through articles related to the topic of being in debt. Help, tips, advices etc. Most texts you can find online are very general and cover similar points. Of course I didn't expect to find some magic pill. No other way, than to make more money and pay all that you have to. But I still wrote down four simple points that somehow resonated with me.

1. Snowballing. This is probably the most important one for me. I have many small debts. I can pay them off earlier and it is good idea, as the total cost is then lowered. Even thinking about it give me some sense of small steps/goals toward the right direction and with each one I will find myself with less costs in the next month after my paycheck. So it should all go slightly easier and easier. Maybe I won't feel it after 2-3 months, but if I close for instance 4 such debts in next 6 month, that's going be great and give me significant boost. So this is sort of my main idea to keep in mind and clearly focus on it to stay on a good track and measure and feel the progress.

2. Cheap pleasures. This is a tough cookie. I don't have many really expensive needs but indeed I enjoy some of stuff that many people don't do that often. Good food and wine, music events, parties... also I have some fascination with health, good diet, supplementation. When you have a good financial situation it seems to be reasonable to spend some more money on health care. Now I feel bad about it that I screwed myself financially that much and for instance doing some broader blood tests is a thing that I need to consider for a moment if I have to do it that often. Well, the blood tests or other medical examination is rather not a pleasure but you got the point. I can count it as a sort of my deviation/obsession? and I used to spend some money there.

So there is a lot of other cool things available for people almost for free. I live in relatively big city and online I can find a lot of cultural, social, music events for free or very cheap. I might do more of these and explore this possibility, especially through summer time. However, for me there is always such thought in my mind, that I don't enjoy such replacement fully and generally I prefer to pay more and get better quality and more of what I really love.

But I still have many shows, movies and books that is on my list to read. Sometimes also computer games, but then I rather play poker than other games. And again as summer time starts, sitting in front of screen beyond work and grind is not exciting so I think I will mostly switch to books.

3. Health and sport.
As I mentioned in previous point I have to reduce some costs of my healthcare, at least for the very next 3-4 months (if this first period goes well then I can put some budget back into this business). But then I can and will try to compensate it but things that are available for free. Exercise is obvious choice. I do sports all my life. I am in good shape, fit and more or less happy with it. But to keep my mind busy and have some other progress in life beyond work and paying of debt, exercising and health is pretty good choice. I really like doing IFs (intermittent fasting) and I believe this have great effect on my body. So regular exercise and IFs are my current base plan. Also doing IFs decreases some food costs, especially if I can do IFs to replace eating at restaurants.

4. Sell stuff.
...or find other side hustle. Yes and no. So I have mixed feeling there. There is a lot of influencers, shows, articles discussing selling stuff online, or buying on garage sells and reselling (flipping). It is quite nice hobby I think. In past I did a little bit of this and I can say I enjoyed it. But to make this really have some positive impact on my financial situation, I would have to dedicate a lot of time to this. As long as I assume I can make money on poker this feels like wasting time on a wrong task. So I write about is as an interesting option on a side but even grinding poker on micros is better option imo. And no, I am not going to sell my car.

To sum it up. Patience is the key. Base financial strategy/approach is this snowballing - it should work in principle and also trick mind and emotions that I am moving in right direction. Then focus on health through sport and fasting. Cheap pleasures? Only to some extend. I really don't want to go into some ascetic monk mode when I decline to myself all pleasures. I really want to enjoy some summer time with friends and family. The cost is not that big, maybe it is a month-like slowdown looking at a timeframe of the problem. Now I of course would love to be another month closer to end this bad trip into debt, but hey.... still not end of the world.

There are few small things on a horizon that give me some more light and will write more in incoming posts.

All the best and lets have a good Sunday grind.

Very OKish session. First graph after the travel break.



Played good 4k hands volume although did too many unnecessary breaks. Definitely could squeeze 1k more hands in the same time. As it is Sunday and often the results and pools are best at this time decided to play bit higher so it was NL25 and NL50 for a while. Ended up with minimal profit after pretty swingy moments. I was 1-outed today three times but luckily most time when I lost stack I had soon a good pot moving toward me. As it was 25z and 50z I also added some small chests rakeback and all together I take a result as satisfying. 1000 more sessions like this and I'm fine ... hehehe. JK. But currently if I have a guaranteed something about avg $30 profit per day I think I can take it for at least few months. Grinding 1 BI at NL25 + some rb should not be super difficult for me I assume. But I rather aim to get twice as much and be there relatively soon. And then optimal would be to crush 1BI/day on average on 100z. Still very far. But beside good grind today I did all good things I had in my schedule: finished another book, exercised, solid poker study session. One step at a time and some good results eventually will arrive.

Essential thing is to keep patience and avoid any punts that can hurt big BR part.

But I must also admit, today had somehow more "sad" moment. Probably it is normal. After few better days, away from poker, with people, drinking, eating... now it was quite predictable low. Maybe thinking too much about how infinitely far I am from the finish line or that May didn't work out that well as I hoped early when writing first posts here. Definitely, one of the worst moment was one blow out with solid punt. Ok ok, enough. I'm fine and happy after good session.

And incoming week brings lot of goods. There is likely I have a new project on horizon with a possible money bonus if it works out. I would say that chance is around 50%-50% and then bonus is very helpful - long term in could cover about 30% of my hole so... I just have to keep the finger crossed and hope we have a shot here. Next, there is June starting - great. Feeling of new restart with next month, paycheck that will increase my confidence and financial security especially now and on Friday I go for a small party. If nothing bad unexpected happens, then I cancel latest loan. Also, new monthly challenge and if it is bonus at reasonable level that I can comfortably grind out (probably on NL50) - then lets go. This will be then my main goal for June, while trying to at least break even. If this succeed, I will be able to easily pay off another loan at the beginning of July. So the plan is pretty clear, doable and the time is covered by a sequence of good events and possibilities. Things of course can work out even better. For instance, if I have like minimal profit from the grind, and this is also perfectly possible - summer will be even hotter. But its life and its poker. Can go the other way, but even 50% of the balanced, optimal plan will be ok for me. I think I can say, absolute minimum is just do my work at job. Even if I miss my all poker goals, in such case I pay minimum that I have to cover debt and move on to next month. Essential thing is just not to blow up into degen mode - no more stupid roll busting and no more new loans to fund degeneration.

"It's gonna be a great summer."

From May I have a rather small sample of 40k hands played on micros. It is still very small sample but I decided to take a look and maybe find a leak or two to improve results/winrate. Still I didnt want to do some extended analysis, rather for something basic that I do wrong.

It looks that small to mid pocket pairs, specifically 55-77 are my biggest losers. Very interesting. I remember that when I was starting to play NL holdem some +10 years, you could open all pairs from any position (not sure about FR, but SH yes). Also there was some kind of 10x rule, that you can call to set mine if stacks are big enough. Most common scenario was when you open small pair and someone is 3betting from 3bb to 9-10bb, usually you could call according to this rule if effective stack is 100bb. People were calling both IP and OOP. Frankly, I was never winning or break even in such scenario and I pretty quickly figured it out. I knew I am losing there so the simple solution was to fold these more, especially against toughest opponents. But in the end I didn't know - maybe I play it bad and should improve postflop instead of folding?



Now I have similar feeling about it. I know now ranges are tighter, I don't open 22-55 from UTG, don't flat call with such pairs vs UTG open. However, still lose with 55-77. Might be problem of small sample. Also you earn a lot if you hit set and stackoff somebody. But now it is not that easy compared to past, to hit a set vs top pair and win 100bb. Even on NL10-25. I think now, when money goes in it is almost as often your set vs TP overplayed by fish as often I see my set looking for one out to quads vs overset by a villain. This is bad place to be.

It is still possible I play those bad. Sometimes I overfold vs barreling, sometimes I am sticky trying to calldown aggressive guy who 3 barrels AK without hitting a pair. Apparently without good reads I don't make a profit in all these scenarios.

So for now I will go for simple solution, I write it down on a paper and think about it before each session. I will just open those pairs less often especially on more reggy tables, and in general play them more conservative. Most likely it is not an optimal solution. But there are many other factors that come into play, like big rake on small stakes and I don't want to spend too much time on such details that can change when I move up to NL50-NL100. Here on micro and small stakes, you can really play solid tight poker and wait for fish and spewy bluffer to give you the money when you have nuts.

Yes, set hunting is no longer as relevant as it was 10 years ago.

We will rarely take our opponent's entire stack when we hit a set, especially against regs. In addition, we will give our stack to sets stronger.

Some modern preflop models recommend folding 22 even on the button.

I would go with small pockets if the fish entered the pot or there is a high probability that the fish will enter the pot after us.

But in general, opening them less is a good adjustment, especially at the micros I think.

Dark clouds and it looks like another round of gravedigging.

What a bad session. I felt well, really focus and overall that improved some aspects of game ready for small stakes. Really sick that after 2k hands I was about to quit session. Happy with small but ok win and thinking about incoming grind in June and probably for a monthly challenge.

Here is the graph:

Not a complete catastrophe, but I think I stay away from challenge next month. This will be for sure out of my BR right now and the pressure with points and finishing it out is way too big. Just now had many bad thoughts about it. Basically I would have to grind NL50 whole month. So I jumped in for some hands there and... again - lost each flip and had several bad rivers in just less than 2k hands. I know thats poker, thats variance. Sad I cannot even find a really bad play. Only bad and aggro brm. But I grinded out NL50 pretty ok previously, hoped for good now but not happened. Sad to have such a misstep right at the "beginning". Good it is only relatively small loss. Bad that I have to change my June plan. And with that all of light for incoming time seems like gone.

Cannot even formulate a reasonable, smart and realistic plan. Most likely I will go for more conservative roll and grinding reg tables. As I can forget about monthly challenge, there is no need to rush and grind huge rake on zoom. Up to NL50 the games are quite easy so... maybe it is the best option for now. Still very sad that it's third/forth attack on NL50 after good grind on lower games and the run is really bad while taking this shot. Kinda story of my life, but when it happens for 10th time or even more - it is not a good sign.

With current roll I will restart around NL5/10 at least few days. Would be nice to re-start winning on slightly more regular basis, as my aggro brm approach definitely doesn't work out well for me.

Ok, I think I get it.

Tough. Not the end of Month I was expecting.

The good thing is all other things worked out in this case. I haven't busted my whole roll, haven't took another load, haven't spent money from non-poker balance.
So I think I can say that my safety mechanisms are working. And my funds for closing one loan in June are still secured, will do it tomorrow 100%.

But it was really tilting in the end. It was the closest feeling to "good, old" degen moments for quite some time. Somehow I managed to stop, write a post and go to sleep.

Unfortunately, this is only half of the ingredients I need for a longterm success. I thought I got the other half too. But it again slipped out of my hand. Fixing it seems so easy, and like I am all the time almost there. But it is known bad pattern when poker player cries that he just need this one more time, or just one good run. No, it's not like this. It is also why I prefer cash - more complex and fun strategically game, but also pays for patience and regular grind in more stable way compared to MTTs.

I see two options now for next month. Reg tables at PS or micros at GG. Need to check rake and rakeback at GG (I know those are controversial to say the least). PS reg tables seems easy for slow and long marathon grind. And I prefer PS with its software. On the other hand, more players on GG, more promos, lots of people/streamers doing BR challenge on GG and it seems doable to perform well there. Finally if you look at the ultimate goal, most HS action is there right now.

Why do I think now about HS?

More gambling?...



Well I grinded today quite a lot and got back around half of yesterday loses. Felt better and overall yesterday burn is slowly healing.

Not sure if I mentioned it here in blog, but somewhere in the middle of May when I was watching on the side Triton poker I regged for a freeroll and guess what:

Hah, quite lucky in shootout. Even gravedigger can sometimes hit a piece of gold.
So I was thinking about going to grind GG. I don't like the rake, rakeback system, tons of strange promos. But maybe I am wrong. More and more traffic goes there. Maybe they do something good.

But after good PS session I decided to log in to GG and... then there was this Freeroll cash so I decided to bust it on Allin or Fold and stick to Stars anyway. Apparently, when you want to bust, it is not that easy either. I did hit the....


Bingo! not a piece of gold, but whole chest.

So ugly but hey, perfect timing. Probably going to cashout and pay of another loan. If I can do two of them in June - and apparently now I can, it's great.

So today I think I chill down and think about next steps. Still thinking between GG and stars and reg vs fast tables.

If I still struggle to decide, then I will write a post with pros and cons of each option from my subjective perspective.

PS. I feel strange/kind of bad about it that, again small gamble happened, but this time it bring good result. I am happy and my brain is so stupid to go for it. Shame on me.

Time for short May summary and June outlook. I will try to keep it really short.

May summary:
1. Started a blog here after busting another time my roll while being already in deep debt. Situation is really on the edge of what my finances can handle.
2. Posting regularly about thoughts, feelings, problems with degen tendencies, poker and life related stuff while being in debt.
3. So far my attempts to return to regular grind without degening doesn't work as I really want and need it.
4. Had a nice successful business trip, which is the best highlight of my May.
5. Last day I win a bingo jackpot which gives me some breathe in my finances.

June outlook:
1. Pay off two small loans from the quite a long list.
2. Really need to focus, study and grind stakes within BR and where I win.
3. Going to attend two music events, which probably are my only guilty pleasures in June.
4. Target is to grind small profit that will allow to pay of another loan when July starts.
5. Keep posting on regular basis.

LFG!

...and as a follow up. Another "bad" idea. And this time bad move, but good result. One more time gravedigger got lucky. So I checked rb on GG and also I have now quite a BR there. In past I had some sort of weekly rakeback, then switched of to this other type when you have some time to collect rb in form of spin and you get some random amount. So I have up to $1200 spin but not much time left. Quick calculations and I can make it. Of course I decided to give another shot into rb/challenge temptation. Well, my return to GG looks pretty good.



If I can keep that game at the tables then the future is bright. I think I can even go to lower stakes and still should make the rb fish buffet challenge. I will recalculate all tomorrow to see exactly how fast I accumulate points and how many days left. But games looks good and even I have much lower results on average - together with rb and some random promos it might be thread saver. But hey... to early, calm down, patience.

I closed first loan out of.... many. Another one soon, as I withdraw some poker money. Time for sleep and tomorrow we will see if I can perform similar on the tables or I crush again when first downswing hits.

Only short update today. Grinded yesterday GG again, was definitely tougher session that the day before, but managed to break even, while making enough fish points.


I need 50k fish points more to get a next fish buffet bonus, which supposed to be spin up to $1200. For top money result it is about 10% change and if I hit it I can use it to close another small loan. Worth trying to catch it and I made some money so far grinding it. Just to remind the general plan at realistic moderate pace is to pay one small loan once a month. If I manage to do it three times in June it will be really optimistic result. Even if the spin gives me some average value, if I book little more winnings in next few sessions it is still doable. This is my current goal for the next week.

If I finish this run for a spin I need to evaluate possible options on GG and stars. I still don't get all the details how rb and promos work on GG. I think if possible then I prefer to switch back to weekly rakeback on GG, but I really don't now right now, what level is possible for me to achieve.

If I can keep running at the tables as good as in last two sessions (or even 1/3 of this) then I will allow myself to spend some money on my other guilty pleasures in a very limited way. In the it is summer and after a month my mind is getting some moments with positive vibes. Probably mix of being tired of worrying and contemplating how ugly I run into such a deep pit and a vision of some positive things on a horizon and possibility to eventually grind it out. Doing something that makes me truly happy is important, and maybe it can slow me down in this long process of getting out of difficult situation, it might help to alleviate pain and discomfort and motivate to stay focused in the right direction.

Since the bingo win on last day of May, things got really hot and I feel a little bit too fast and optimistic. So far in June, all three days im in green. But somehow drop of the mood hit me again. Nothing bad happened really, but I think such mood fluctuations and sometimes rise of bad emotions can happen anyway - even if things are going in right direction. In such moments, I definitely want to write here something, go with my thoughts and reconsider current situation.

Financial situation is still very bad but stable, so there is no real treat right now incoming from this side. I have already paid of one loan in June (according to plan), another one is in progress and I hope next week will pay off third small package. I think that is going to be all in June and rest of the month I try to slowly build roll on reasonable stakes. Maybe if I hit another sunrun or bingo/BBJ promo I can possibly think about withdrawing more money, but really I don't want to push it to hard. 300% of assumed progress is still excellent result for a month.

I spent last few days a lot of times with friends, enjoying time and sports together. Summer vibes definitely kick in but I must be careful with it, keep focus and study/grind discipline. It is so easy to lose it and now I really don't want it to happen. Also last week I had not enough sleep. So for the incoming week I really want to take everything very slowly and relaxed. Sleep a lot, workout and just do everything at moderate pace. Work, study, poker, life...

Downswings attack at different times. Obvious thing, but I need to keep repeating it to myself and be prepared for the next one. Probably it is going to be critical moment for me. How I react to it? How I am prepared to handle it? I should not let myself gamble because of that, chase loses or break mindset by looking at money I lost. Now it is very good moment to study such difficult mindset topics and I plan to dedicate some time to this area.

Talking about tables - I continue to play on GG. Somewhere between 4-6 days till my fish buffet. Then I should be able to slow down and relax. If next spin have similar points necessary to collect, I will have way more time than now, so it should be easy. Now I am not sure when can I switch to weekly rakeback, but where there is such possibility at my current level of grinded rake, then I probably change to this rakeback mode as it it more stable for me and don't push me to grind more/higher. It is also important because in July/August I will have two trips for more than a week each, and I will not be able to grind at that time.

Let's see how good are the cash games at Saturday and Sunday GG. GL good people.

Unfortunately, my last post became bad self-fulfilling prophecy. I have got a pretty big hit to my BR yesterday. Basically really running bad in all big pots against people who calls 4bet OOP with 64o flopping bottom two vs overpair. Then lost several flips in a row and I could literally feel things are going out of control. The bad moment and idea arised in my mind, which ended in playing for a while in games I should stay away. I lost another flip there. All looked and felt really bad, but being frustrated and tilted I managed to stop here and didn't look for $1k games or anything similar. So this is probably the most positive part of this story. In past I usually ended up with cleaning the bankroll.

So it it the worst day in June so far and today I physically and mentally feel really poorly. Still not slept well enough. There are some signs of progress as I managed to save my bankroll. But I really hoped such actions won't occur anymore. The truth is I should stop one last action earlier without flipping for too much on higher stakes. Then the loss would be pretty normal for my BR - normal thing I should fully accept and then chill down, take a break, sleep and tomorrow there is another session. But no, I took wrong action and doubled the loses. Yuk.

It is not a fatal blow to my BR, but all combined it makes me feel bad. It was very close to full degen mode (or maybe not, if I managed to stop further actions). The most important thing is that I can still perform my planned financial actions with closing 3 loans in June. But as a consequence I have less emergency money and not gonna be able to spend some on other guilty pleasures I slowly had on my mind and desired. Well, I probably deserve this punishment.

I withdrawn quite some BR to have this money prepared for paying of loans and now I will leave myself with smaller BR again, so there is no possibility to bust all my money. After previous good run it is still ok BR so I can play small stakes comfortably. Final open question is how to manage rakeback on GG. I tried to understand it better. So in few days I can switch back to Platinum and then have 35%. But if I understand correctly, I can keep grinding this fish buffet with getting better and better spins and then eventually grab platinum at 50%. The points requirements are really doable for me, but then it is again the problem I don't like with being forced to play a given volume. Need to figure my actions and best decision as soon as possible. Basically, if I wouldn't have two more summer trips in incoming time - then I go for it. I must calculate points and how fast I can earn them and if skipping a week of grind during a month is not too much, to let me achieve next levels.

Hi,

I think it seems like nearly everything you post is either about the bankroll struggle / taking shots to games your not supposed to be playing.

It is not logical thinking to say that you reached some goal by 300% by taking shot somewhere, it is gambling.

Same logic as if I say I lost 5k to 2/5 but managed to get it back from roulette , this is always gambling and thinking like a fish and it always leads to misery , problems and at the end going broke,..

I think what you posted of your personal career sounded impressive and interesting and it sounds like you should stop all kinds of gambling and take pen and paper and calculate how to pay the debts and get clear and sustainable by doing your job and maybe putting a bit extra with it if you can .

I don't want to discourage but I think your skillset is elsewhere than in poker due to not getting the tendency to gamble into control .

If you would stick at playing nl5 or nl10 you could make 200-300 dollars / month. If you wish to keep with poker why not play those games on pokerstars and get yourself banned from stakes above + casino games just to be sure?

Hi,

Yes, you are about 100% correct about how it is in my case. If I have no gambling issues I would not start this blog. I write honestly all my bad actions, emotions and also focus on it as posting and later analyzing it helps a little bit. I know people always struggle to give up bad habits or admit they have problem. I always try to find justification for my last gamble and think that there was something special, or it was last time or... "One last flip". I will write a biographic book in future and it will has title something like this.

After each time I take degen actions, I question myself - maybe I should stop at all. Not play anymore. I really don't "need" to. Somehow mix of few factors keeps me going: I still love and enjoy the game, I invested a lot of time and my skillset is pretty good here (not mindset, but strategic and mathematic skills), and I am also still convinced I can do it in a proper way.

I read all comments and advices here really carefully, think through and consider them. Thank you from all the posters who write in my thread. As much as I would love to, I cannot guarantee I apply them 100% faithfully even if I agree with them. But I will do my best.

The last one advice from your post Kiljusieppo, is a very good one. I just have to stick now to low stakes and grind it out. Probably not the first time I write it here, not sure if the last one. I will do whatever I can to follow it rigorously and I will keep blogging about it and how things progress. Hope some people enjoy reading my struggle, maybe it can help others with similar issues and maybe in 2 years I would be able to read it with a little smile and relief I no longer gravedigging myself. So for now, I still have a lot of heart and sane mind to play online poker.

Quite ok session on micros, sticking to the plan and grind NL25 ATM. I finished break even, unfortunately PokerCraft today doesn't show these hands, so I can't put a graph. Played quite a few hours so at least I gathered a lot of fish buffet points.

Calculated some rakeback possibilities for incoming summer time. If things go ok-ish I should manage to do fish buffet twice before my next business trip in July at the end of the month. Then I definitely switch to platinum option, so I will get worse rakeback for the next month. Why? In August I will be away from the tables for two weeks at least. Another business trip and also holidays with friends. So summer will be definitely active and full of adventures and during that time I should go a little bit easier on Poker. Optimally if I grind just some small profits to help repay my debt during this period and have some money for holidays.

New week is starting and it should be rather easy one, with few good spots to happen. The most important task for me is to avoid such performances like I did yesterday. Really unnecessary. Small profit during the week would be ok, but if I just break even while grinding points according to designated rate, also OK. It is strange that the games on GG are so easy, but so hard to beat due to insane rake. Still haven't figured out if it is better to play regular tables (really great action and soft games) or rather rush and cash, where rake is lower. I also prefer this format due to comfort of quick start of tables and no problems with table braking, selecting etc.

The plan regarding blogging next week is to put two posts about very important aspects of related to work, life, activities in general, but also very relevant for poker. So I will write about sleep and focus. I am no expert here, but I think I have some knowledge, experience and own trick that are working at least for me. Other than that I will stick to posting some graphs, maybe hands and positive reports from the tables. However in case I have another degen action, or even I approach it dangerously close this thin line - I am going to write about it in details. But... right now let's keep it positive and chill and I plan a rather solid and easy grind on small stakes.

Ok, looks like PokerCraft sometimes does have some problems, but the hands from last session are eventually here. Today I also see that I hit promo, probably this is some bad beat bonus in a flipout tournament. I don't show the exact cash amount here but it was quite ok. Interesting is how often can I get a bonus out of this promo. It was the first time in last 5? sessions. I also managed to get some small amount of C$ from leaderboard earlier but this ThanksGG was significantly bigger bankroll boost.


I also haven't used to playing regular tables. I usually play up to 6 now and it is way less hands compared to what I was able to play on Zoom in same amount of time. I had a feeling like I played yesterday about 3k and was far off this number. Maybe I will try now little bit of rush & cash and then decide which format is better for me. I think that it is more difficult to get something from LB, but there are also some cash drop pots and you play more hands, more rake and higher chance for BBJ.

Ok, boys and girls. It's time to take a smart decision... ...or that is what I hope I am about to do now.

It is a week since I tried out GG as an alternative to PS. GG spoiled me with some random promo bonuses (even a big one) and a very nice welcome session. Then it mostly went around break-even or slightly in red. It is really hard to estimate results due to big rake, unclear rakeback and not tracking hands with HM. Actually it is probably possible to import hands to HM, but it sounds like additional annoying task to do and I didn't tried it out so far.

I didn't enjoy reg tables. 6 tables is top I can play with solid thought process and it still generates small amount of hands. Multitabling is maybe ok but I don't want to play that kind of poker. Also reg tables has higher rake. On the other side, rush and cash is strongly regged with guys running for LB, I am not able to grind enough hours to get anything from LB and in general it is not as friendly as Zoom.

I think I am just very much used to PS software and specifically to zoom. Also, a lot of poker videos and some cash games streamers also prefer a zoom and it is easier to learn from them while playing on similar type of tables. Stars is also has my trust and had never any serious problems or suspicions vs them.

With all of the above +probably few more smaller arguments, I decided to go back/stick to the stars. I am happy I tested GG and got eventually small profit out of it. But it is even hard to estimate if it was due to my good game at tables or just hitting random promos. Without them I would finish in red, wondering what happened wrong. On stars I have better control on my results, hands, studying everything, rake, table limits etc. All very important for me.

So I did a withdraw. It worked out exactly that I can close 3rd loan in June and have a very small BR to grind it out on Stars. Good. This is how it supposed to be, and I need to grind it all from the bottom. I was wondering, maybe I should keep bigger bankroll and don't withdraw to close 3rd loan but I hope I take smart decision. My grind now will be slower and in consequence I might not have any significant profit to help my financial situation soon. But if I grind from higher limits and fail, busting or losing a lot in the beginning, then I would be really miserable for me. Now I will have some more breathing room and monthly cost of my debt is about 15% lower. It is fine and I should not be at the edge of the knife again anytime soon.

Probably by starting from the bottom again, I won't have such progress in closing next parts of debt. Summer will be rather difficult time. But who knows? If I grind out of micros in June, then small additional profit in July possibly makes it happen.

To summarize: I tried GG for a week. It was quite chaotic, had one small degen action, but eventually won a little big. Hard to say if because of ok grind, being stupid/lucky. Pokerstars has better visibility and I prefer zoom games. So I go back to Stars to grind again from the bottom, while all other winnings/roll I use to pay small part of debt now.

Little bit of zoom today as a warmup after getting back to PS. Played NL5 and NL10. Good results, yes please, everyday like this and I will be fine. Of course good and short sunrun today, as such result is not sustainable for a long sample.

I still thinking about reg tables. Soft games, good wr's and it's ok as now I don't have monthly challenge to grind. But probably zoom is more suitable for me. I can play short sessions during the day by just quickly jumping into pool. Also it is easier to do breaks during session.

When I have ok-ish session, short or longer, when everything works, most pots goes my way and I don't suffer from losing too many flips and 2-outers; then despite winning I am really sad that I allowed myself to spew my finances so stupidly. Now it will be (is) really long way to get back to even. As some of you can get it from my chaotic posts I am all the time back and forward with some ideas how should it be. On one side I want it easy, grinding small stakes for next year, NL50 should be more than enough with even small wr + rb, and then pay it off. But hey, maybe I will beat NL100 and all goes twice as fast? Such thinking is in my head every now and then, but painful and honest truth is I am basically still at square one. So why even I am thinking about such distant idea?

It shouldn't be that difficult right? I have a new idea what to do, pretty simple one, but it will need solid dedication. Except for few trips during summer I am going to have a lot of days off my work. I want to limit now to maximum other activities like books, games, movies, parties etc. Just leave the essential: work, study, exercise, maybe one podcast or movie every other day and one or two party/concert per month. Other than that - super hardcore study to beat NL50 zoom and just lot of grind. Most likely I am very close to this. Need bigger bankroll (currently above $300 is ok to grind up to NL10) and good sample. Maybe I should plug few leaks, improve preflop and then rest should be relatively easy. NL50 regs are pretty tight and straightforward, recs are just recs and few best players can outplay me. I don't need to be the best here. Just 2bb/100 is the goal. So I stay right now around NL5/10 building roll and studying a lot. Has some more videos to watch + solver, cash twitch streamers.

And finally, a standard thing which is problematic for me. Lets assume I build roll to +$1k, which is absolute minimum for NL50. This amount can help me significantly in closing another loan. Question is when to keep money for grind in poker br and when to close the next loan. But in June I closing 3 of then so for a while I can stay in current hole digging around and... lets hope I dig another gold chest and not a deeper grave.

Short update for today. My 2nd loan package got closed today and I have just filled papers for 3rd one. Unfortunately, probably it will be the last one closed for the next 3 months. I prefer to accumulate some money on my account for the summer time and not have to worry too much about running short before next paycheck. Comfort here, at this very moment, is more important than optimizing personal finances to maximally reduce costs.

There are good outs for me in next-to-near future. Small outs are that there might be small bonuses at my company and there is a real chance I can get qualified and catch more cash. One is probably more than fifty-fifty for me it should be an amount that helps to kill another loan package. Two other are less probable, but still possible. However realistic timeframe for these gold chests are after the summer.

More serious two outs are additional projects that also have small monthly cash bonuses on regular basis. These two projects are important milestones both for my finances and also for career. So I estimate in one case I have more that flip to hit it, in other case it is less than flip. Each one can guarantee around 1/3 of my total debt but it will be slowly released, so no instant payback. It is possible both events happen and then I am in really good position, but even only one is a great result and relief. Of course scenario that I go blank in both competitions is also very really. So I am looking for it but not to excited as it can go either way. Don't want to feel too big of a disappointment.

Starting another session at stars today in few hours. Mood and focus are ok. I am happy to see that the cash leaderboards return. At low stakes it is relatively easy to get them so I will probably play all stakes from the bottom.

Unfortunately I didn't get the monthly challenge from stars so far. I emailed support and still no answer. I wouldn't be able to finish it anyway, but I would like to know what happened and if in the next month I can get it or not. If I get challenges that can be finished by playing NL50 zoom these are really super-good, optimal for me, and breaking even at tables make my financial life quite easy. I hope stars support help me to sort it out, otherwise... I am not sure if I want to go back to GG.