Mom got sick again, I had to cancel my LV trip. One of these days I'm going to jump off of a roof and you can read my obit in OOT.

Yeah, I feel bad about it but I sort of knew it was a bad idea in the first place bec this was bound to happen. I was even going to go off of Metformin for a week so that I could get drunk every night. And, tbh, what I could use right now is some kind of support group. At least I have some of you ppl here to vent to, thanks everyone.

In case it needs to be said, your mom should be super proud of having a son like you. I know exactly how valuable those little bits of time off are, and exactly how much you are sacrificing.

Thanks for that. She IS grateful that I can help her and she doesn't mean to be difficult but, tbh, I'm tired of taking her to doctors all of the time plus all of the usual daily things. If it weren't for the care giver we hired she'd have had to go into a home.

I remember when I made my mom’s death look like an accident. Good times.

Think of it as payback for all the diapers she changed.

Have you had an honest discussion with your siblings about this? This is something that is better said than bottled up.

His siblings have no responsibility to do anything for their mother. If they don't want to help, he shouldn't hold it against them.

Nah, he should. But it won't do any good.

This is a very individualistic American perspective.

In many cultures, families have a responsibility (something like a "moral obligation") to take care each other, which includes children taking care of parents/grandparents, and sometimes even welcoming in cousins and other more distant relatives into their home for extended periods. And although it is a burden, it's often a burden viewed favorably in the sense that failing to meet the burden brings shame and other negatives that are far weightier than just helping out in the first place.

I wouldn't piss on my parents if they were on fire. And it has nothing to do with American culture.

People have a legal responsibility to take care of their children, and IMO a moral one as well, as they have chosen to bring their children into existence. If someone chooses to take care of anyone else, they're doing so because they are getting something out of it. It either makes them feel good to do it or it would make them feel bad not to do it. Others shouldn't judge someone because they don't make the same choices.

What's your evidence for the second sentence? How do you know how you would view this question were you not raised in American culture (or whichever cultural context you were raised in)?

It's impossible to know for sure, but my overall values do not generally line up with the culture in which I was raised.

Perhaps I shouldn't have brought it up but thought maybe some ppl here would expect a TR plus I was a bit depressed. I'm doing what I have to be doing and I'm going to keep it up. One of my sisters is a great help even though she lives in Boston and we have a caregiver to assist. My mother will not have to go into a home as long as I can function.

Pretty dark IMO.

It's pretty dark to suggest one shouldn't judge others for their decision not to take on the burden of providing care for someone else?

You're not providing care for me! Should others think poorly of you for that?

If you ever need someone to quote this back to you and tell you you're doing the right thing, just post here.

But do consider other forms of care if it's best for your mom. **** gets real fast. One of my friends arranged for his grandparents to live on the ground floor, his grandfather was the mobile one taking care of his grandmother and everything was fine for 2 years or so. One day his grandpa fell, couldn't get up, and army crawled across the room, only to find he couldn't reach the phone and was too exhausted to do anything else. His grandma tried to get up to help him, she also fell down, and the only reason they were on the floor for 3 hours instead of 30 hours is that my friend happened to take the back staircase to take out the trash and heard them talking, and wondered what they were doing up so late.

Your position doesn't sound like you're saying "one shouldn't judge" but rather "one doesn't have an obligation to help others (and specifically family)." The darkness is not in the judging or not judging, but the taking of action or failure to take action.

Among other reasons that this is a poor analogy, you don't seem to be asking for help and actively refusing help when it's available for reasons that sound like being "too proud" (though that may not have been the phrase you actually meant). There's also a gap between helping people actively present in your life and people not actively present in your life.

I also don't think it's dark to say one has no obligation to help others. Personally I enjoy helping others whom I personally like and care about, but I feel no obligation to do so.

Clearly.

Calli: Mom wears a Life Alert pendant and she's had to use it when she fell a couple of times. Life Alert calls my cell when that happens. And since I've started this I'll mention that I'm not what I used to be and have had to call the medics to come and pick her up. On the bright side the docs have figured out why she was retaining fluids (heart function, now improved) and now she weighs 135 instead of the 170 the last time I tried to get her off of the floor so maybe next time I can do it myself.

I'm not sure that there is a principled reason why "bringing someone into existence" is a sufficient condition, much less the only condition, upon which one has a duty to care for another.

In any event, if more people believed as you do the world would be much worse for it, and that alone is enough for me to choose to believe otherwise.

Did you give birth to me? If so, I would definitely agree I have not done as much as I should have.

But let's move beyond that. Given the amount of time we've spent together, do you think I've offered what I've had to offer, or do you think I've held back? Have I honestly answered questions, given what I considered was good advice? Or have I taken the attitude that I have no obligation to you?

No, I will not build wheelchair ramps in my house for Internet randos to live with me. But I'd skip a session of poker and buy lunch if Internet randos wanted to ask about SFBA poker.

Part of it is just recognizing what I've received as charity. As I see it, I owe SSLHE about 3/4 of a 529 College Fund from the free advice I was given, and if I do end up starting my own company and getting angel funding, I will owe at least a fraction of my success to a 6/12 reg who was nice enough to treat me to lunch and answer all my questions about angel investing.

I'm certainly not saying HB is doing anything wrong here. I'm also not saying anyone should be providing care for me. I'm just saying that HB's siblings or anyone else should not be pressed to feel guilty if they aren't providing care for their parents. Several people are partially quoting me out of context. I'm the one being positive here, after it was suggested that HB should be holding a grudge against his siblings if they weren't doing as much as he was. Everyone has different capabilities and different relationships with others, and no one can really know what has gone on between two people who you might expect to have a good relationship, even if they were brought up in the same household.