June 3rd. It is extraordinary how few principles or dogmas I
have been able to become convinced of. One after another I find
my former undoubted beliefs slipping from me into the region
of doubt. For example, I used never for a moment to doubt that
truth was a good thing to get hold of. But now I have the very
greatest doubt and uncertainty. For the search for truth has led
me to these results I have put in this book, whereas had I been
content to accept the teachings of my youth I should have remained
comfortable. The search for truth had shattered most of
my old beliefs and has made me commit what are probably sins
where otherwise I should have kept clear of them. I do not think
it has in any way made me happier. Of course it has given me a
deeper character, a contempt for trifles or mockery, but at the
same time it has taken away cheerfulness and made it much
harder to make bosom friends, and worst of all it has debarred
me from free intercourse with my people, and thus made them
strangers to some of my deepest thoughts, which, if by any mischance
I do let them out, immediately become the subject for
mockery, which is inexpressibly bitter to me though not unkindly
meant. Thus in my individual case I should say the
effects of a search for truth have been more bad than good. But
the truth which I accept as such may be said not to be truth and
I may be told that if I get at real truth I shall be made happier
by it, but this is a very doubtful proposition. Hence I have great
doubt of the unmixed advantage of truth. Certainly truth in biology
lowers one's idea of man which must be painful. Moreover,
truth estranges former friends and prevents the making of
[67]
The Autobiography of Bertrand Russell
new ones, which is also a bad thing. One ought perhaps to look
upon all these things as a martyrdom, since very often truth
attained by one man may lead to the increase in the happiness of
many others though not to his own. On the whole I am inclined
to continue to pursue truth, though truth of the kind in this
book, if that indeed be truth, I have no desire to spread but
rather to prevent from spreading.
I think I'm going to cool something nice and watch a film tonight. Some nice quality alone time. I would order takeout but I did that so many times in the past two weeks