I put 30 scratch-off tickets in an envelope
Left them in the box for the mailman
He scratched them and left the losers in the box
I gave the garbage man a bottle of Jim Beam
He drank it, puked in the street by the mailbox, and rammed into the mailman
I gave the gardener a plate of homemade treats and a $50 gift card
He wrote FU in the grass with round-up
The carolers are gonna have a bad night if they show up here demanding figgy pudding...just saying.